Shula To The Rescue

Patricia Hodge (Camilla Burnham)

We ended last week by speculating that Russ might drive Freddie over to Camilla’s. No need as she turns up at Lower Loxley and comes into the kitchen just as Elizabeth’s homemade broccoli and stilton soup is ready. Elizabeth is startled and most of the soup ends up over Camilla – it was good of Elizabeth to get her retaliation in first – she seems to be a nasty piece of work.

Elizabeth gives Camilla a tour of the house which, as Nigel’s sister, she grew up in, and she doesn’t sound bitter about it at all. Sorry, I’ll leave the sarcasm to Camilla who goes on to say that Elizabeth’s turned Lower Loxley into a ‘theme park for the hoi polloi’ and blames her for the way Freddie’s turns out, which she thinks isn’t surprising for someone of Elizabeth’s background – ‘one can’t help how one’s been brought up’! The tension has clearly escalated and when Lily appears she’s ordered in unison to go and fetch her brother.

Freddie’s not there because he’s gone off to say goodbye to his friends, which includes going to the cricket where he’s hoping to see Johnny. Johnny’s bowling so Freddie decides to wait but by the time Lily turns up he’s gone again – allegedly to the stables to see Shula.

While Lily’s gone we learn that Camilla is one of those ‘pull yourself together’ types when Elizabeth tells her about her depression. If I were Lizzie I’d decapitate her with a longsword from one of the suits of armour that litter the place and then tell her to ‘pull yourself together – it’s just a flesh wound’ (apologies to Monty Python for the mis-quote). Lily speaks for the nation when she calls Camilla an ‘ignorant spiteful old witch’ but doesn’t go as far as calling for her to be burned at the stake (shame) because she’s interrupted by Freddie turning up – with Shula.

It turns out that it’s actually Shula to the rescue as she’s persuaded Freddie to stay with her instead. Shula sums it up nicely when she tells Camilla “Elizabeth may have struggled with her emotions, but at least she has some. If anyone needs help then it’s you”.

This story aired at the end of Mental Health Awareness Week, which was surely no coincidence, and I’m glad Camilla was dealt with robustly. But please, can we hear no more of her in the future? Don’t even write her out – just let her fade away into obscurity. (If you must, then have her fall into a combine harvester or something - I know she lives near London so that’s probably unlikely but I can dream can’t I)?

Ok, I feel better now.

Ed’s getting it in the ear from Emma about working with Jazzer now that they’re besties again, when Will turns up unexpectedly. What’s the emergency? He can’t find Poppy’s PE kit, something I expect Mia used to sort out before she went to live with Andrew. He persuades Emma to look after Poppy that evening “all you’d have to do is give her tea and stick her in front of the telly”. How he’s never won Father of the Year is beyond me.

Will even gets Joe to look after Poppy, although all he seems to do is let her put lipstick on him and then fall asleep in the chair. Luckily Poppy’s also asleep when Clarrie gets home and she’s not happy, getting straight on the phone to Will to ask him to collect Poppy straight away. She tells him that Joe’s not getting any younger and what if he’d had an accident or something (very prescient of Clarrie there)? Will promises not to ask Joe again but the trouble is, he’s rapidly running out of people to ask and that evening decides to take Poppy with him to work (we’ll have to wait until next week to see how that turns out). 

Back to Ed, and Jazzer wants in on his work with Tim, but Ed wisely puts him off saying there’s not enough work for both of them – too right as it seems that Emma’s spending all the money on her dream living room. Jazzer spies Ed’s wad of notes and it’s obvious to him that something dodgy’s going on. I’m sure he’ll try again when he’s blown the £4k he’s getting from Tom, that is if Tim and Ed haven’t been nicked by then.

Something which has been bubbling under for a while is Jim’s reluctance to let Alistair organize a birthday party for him. Well, Alistair, Jazzer and Shula have been working behind the scenes to organize a not-a-birthday-party, or ‘tribute night’, and things are starting to come together; old photographs, old friends and tributes are to pouring in and it’s all starting to sound a bit This Is Your Life. Alistair thinks he’ll love it but I think Jim will be absolutely furious with his son. They’re almost caught out when Jim catches Alistair and Jazzer plotting, just after Alistair caught Jazzer necking a bottle of milk on the doorstep (a sound effect I never want to hear again). Alistair’s nearly caught out again when Jim overhears him telling someone on the phone that he’s really looking forward to seeing them again. Jim’s suspicious and Jazzer says it sounds like he’s got a girlfriend – a convenient cover story as it happens as Jim thinks it makes sense that Alistair must have ‘the urge’ again.

Natasha’s still nowhere to be seen and apparently only in email contact with Tom, and then only about their business. Roy’s commiserating with him and Tom states the bleedin’ obvious when he says “I feel as if I don’t really know her and she doesn’t really know me!” but he still loves her and he’s not giving up – yet. There will be further developments on the Tom and Natasha front later, “but what about the art project” I hear you ask? 

Well, Alan popped over to the stables to see Shula and mentions that the list of proposals has been published. Shula’s not interested and is off to Darrington on her horse Mulberry. Coincidentally Alan’s just been visiting an elderly lady there who apparently likes to complain about her neighbours – I wonder whether we’ll find out who they are and what storyline they’re about to crash into? There’s a meeting of the art project that night and Shula’s dreading it as they’re supposed to be narrowing down the entries to the best six. Freddie sums it up nicely by describing it as a perfect storm of difficult people and perhaps the winning project should just be Lynda and Russ fighting. Now that’s something I would pay to see.

Jill thinks she’s found a way to resolve the impasse between David and Kenton by giving Kenton a cheque for the money he owes. Jill wants Kenton to swallow his pride and accept the money for her sake but he’s adamant that he won’t accept it. He’ll give David his money back himself – “but only when I’m ready”. Leonard pops along to the Bull later to talk to Kenton as he’s worried about how unhappy Jill is over the brothers falling out. Kenton’s convinced that his mother sent him but Leonard denies this and says he was unaware of her offer to pay the debt. Kenton listens to Leonard as he tells him that having a big family nearby is special and all Jill is trying to do is keep it together.

Kenton seeks advice from Jolene who says that sometimes you just have to grasp the nettle (or money in this case) and the next we hear is Kenton turning up at Brookfield to see David. Jill and Leonard are both there and Kenton says that the money is being transferred into his account. David’s not prepared to forgive straight away as Kenton’s made him wait four years but Jill thinks that everything should now be sunshine and light in the Archer family. The boys start arguing but Jill steps in to make Kenton apologise for taking so long, which he does, and then makes David accept the apology, which he does. She’s on a roll now and gets them to shake hands and then hold out their little pinkies and say together “make friends, make friends, never ever break friends”. Ok, I made that last bit up, but it did drag on a bit.

Tracey’s throwing her weight around at the cricket. Even though they won their last match she thinks they can do better by being more aggressive and playing mind games with the other side and calls Harrison and Roy “wetter than an otter’s pocket” for wanting to play honourably. As team motivation goes “you don’t get to be a winner by sitting on your bum with your gob shut” might not be the most eloquent, but it persuades Chris to enter into a bet with Tracey to see who can go furthest at their next match. Harrison ramps up the pressure when he tells Chris it will be a good opportunity to show everyone why he should continue to be captain. Away from the pitch Harrison’s still hunting the bunting (no, not a countryside euphemism, it really is as tedious as it sounds) and thinks the perpetrator is taunting him by leaving a trail, a placeholder no doubt for this story to be ‘strung out’ further (sorry).

Back to Tom and Natasha, and Tom’s outside his website designer Leo’s office and Leo’s on the phone apologising for being late. Tom’s just getting round to saying that Natasha won’t be joining them when a call comes in from her, as breezy as you like, saying she’s on her way. She turns up in a car that Leo’s impressed with but Tom’s clearly never seen before. The car’s not the only thing he’s impressed with as he tells the couple what a pleasure it’s been working with them and how they work well as a team. To the informed listener the conversation in Leo’s office between Tom and Natasha is somewhat false, but when they get outside Natasha says she’s going to return to Ambridge.

They go for coffee on the way to talk, and Tom needs to know why she went away for so long and will she do it again. She admits that she was cruel and apologises, saying she needed to get away from all the expectations that she felt being Mrs. Archer brought with it, but now she wants to make the marriage work. They both agree that the last month has been to worst of their lives and Natasha tells Tom the reason she’s back on the scene is that Tony called her. We’re not told what he said but it was probably something like ‘do you still need that self-catering cottage for your honeymoon because Pat and I fancy a break?’

Talking about honeymoons, one of the things Natasha’s been doing whilst away is looking at alternative holiday destinations and she’s decided that Cuba is the place to go. Now call me cynical if you like (it’s ok – I’ve been called much, much worse) but I can’t help feeling that this has all been about getting her own way again. After all, it was the discovery that Tom had booked somewhere up the road that made her run away to her parents, and maybe getting a big exotic honeymoon called for a big dramatic action to pull Tom back in line. In that context, her final words of the week sounded a teeny bit threatening; “You’d better believe it – Tom Archer – because I’m here to stay!”

Bev Breaks Some Bad News

Alison Belbin (Bev Hanson)

Nic’s mother, Bev, had a leading part last week. On Tuesday she phoned Will to say that she’d drop round at lunchtime to have a word with him. “Is it about Mia?”Will asks, which is a pretty dumb question. Bev tells him that she’ll fill him in when they meet. You may recall that the last blog ended with Mia begging Andrew, her dad, to come and fetch her, as she hated Will. 

On Sunday (Clarrie’s 65^th) she is having a wonderful time but keeps asking Will where Mia is. He replies that they had a difference of opinion and agreed that she should stay at Andrew’s for the weekend. “She’ll be back tonight”he tells his mother, before adding “Or tomorrow.”But by Tuesday there’s no sign of Mia, neither has Will been able to raise her on the phone, and Bev turns up, bearing cheese sandwiches for lunch.

How’s Mia? Bev says that she won’t lie - Mia is very unhappy with Will and Bev has come to collect her stuff. “She’ll be staying at Andrew’s a bit longer then?”asks Will. Spot on. He then asks why didn’t Mia come to collect her stuff, to which Bev says that she doesn’t want to see Will. So why didn’t Andrew come? Because he’s so angry with Will that he might not be responsible for his actions and could Will pass Bev the clothes from the wardrobe. “Why does she want her winter clothes?”asks Will, before answering his own question with “I suppose there could be a cold snap.”

By this time, Bev is getting a bit frustrated and asks Will why on earth did he say those cruel things to Mia? “I let my emotions run away with me”says Will, sadly. Substitute ‘big gob’for ‘emotions’and you’re nearer the mark, Will. Bev then says that Mia wants the photos off the walls, to which Will comments “It will look so bare when she comes back.”Eventually, Bev decides that subtle hints are not working and she tells Will that Mia isn’t coming back. The penny finally drops and we all cheer, as I for one was expecting Bev to say ‘give me a hand to get the carpet up and the curtains down’and Will to reply ‘yes, I expect Mia would welcome extra comfort underfoot and a blackout at night.’Instead, Will comes over all formal and tells Bev not to worry about him (like she would) and to save her sympathy for someone who needs it. Bev says that the children are her priority and, if she thinks Poppy needs help, she’ll be back. Arnold Schwarzenegger-like, she departs, leaving the threat hanging in the air. Look on the bright side Will; that’s one less meal to cook and one less person to tidy up after and, now the walls are clear, you can do some redecorating.

It’s not all bad news for Will, as Elizabeth turns up later in the week, full of apologies for not having visited sooner (itis15 months since Nic died). Will says he would invite her in, but the place is a mess, to which Lizzie says that she’s quite capable of washing up her own teacup. And the rest Elizabeth! They get stuck in, to the extent that, when Clarrie pops round a day or so later, her jaw drops - she had no idea that Will was coping so brilliantly. Give it a week or so and pop in again Clarrie - you may be surprised yet again.

Enough of Will, what about brother Ed? He has bad news for Jazzer, as Tim has lined up another job on the day that Ed and Jazz are supposed to be shearing a local flock. Ed postponed the shearing and Jazz is not a happy haggis - he could have done the job on his own. Ed suggests that he rings the lady in question, which Jazz does, only to learn that she has given the gig to another team of shearers. He heaps insults and blame on Ed’s head: “With friends like you pal, I don’t need enemies.”

Jazzer’s job in the Tea Room isn’t a success either; PCB mentions to Fallon that he appears to be asleep at one of the tables. “Shall I wake him?” Ambridge’s finest asks and his wife replies “No; he’s more use asleep than awake.” Fallon knows that she should give Jazzer his cards “but he’s one of my best friends.” For God’s sake, woman, get out more!

Fallon girds her loins and bites the bullet (not an easy thing to do) and resolves to give Jazzer his marching orders. However, it turns out that she doesn’t have to, as Jazz and Jim go to see Tom about Jazzer’s severance package. Jim is icily formal and Tom, who has other things on his mind, not least of which is whether his bride of a few weeks has left him for good, starts offering money in settlement. Jim has given Jazzer strict instructions to keep quiet, but as the offer on the table goes from £1k, to £2k, the Scotsman is finding it hard to keep shtum and, when Tom says £4k, Jazzer breaks in with “Done!” 

Fallon rings Jazzer and says that she wants a word, and he says he wants a word too. When the two meet, they toss to see who goes first and Jazzer tells her that he’s in the money and, sadly, his career in catering is now over. Fallon almost blows it by overdoing the grief at losing her willing helpmate, but she pulls it off and, when asked what it was that she wanted to talk about, she says that it’s gone right out of her head. Shall we have a sweepstake on just how long Jazzer’s windfall will last? I reckon about a month - even less if Jim claims for a percentage of the spoils (and I for one wouldn’t blame him if he did).

Fallon’s long-lost, stolen bunting continues to turn up around the village, in dribs and drabs. I think that someone should claim that this is the much-argued-over new art project for the church - a sort of cloth Banksie if you like - and put an end to the unseemly in-fighting. Susan is discussing the carnage of the committee meetings with sister Tracy and Russ’s name is mentioned. “You mean him with the brown eyes?” Tracy says, adding; “Once she [Lily] gets bored with him, I wouldn’t mind having a go.” And who said romance was dead?

Tracy is on a high, claiming that her sledging tactics were responsible for the defeat of arch-rivals Darrington at the cricket match. Harrison tries to persuade her that there’s more to the game than winning - team spirit, morale and sportsmanship - but Tracy’s attitude is ‘sod all that; it’s about getting more runs than the other team’ and it’s fair to say that the two agree to differ.

Differ is precisely what David and Kenton do on Thursday (this blog isn’t just thrown together, you know - these seamless links take a lot of work). David, along with Jill, Lizzie and Shula (don’t these people have jobs?) are in the Bull at lunchtime, when David notices that the day’s special is Bridge Farm Angus beef burgers. He goes into complete meltdown, accusing his brother of supporting a competitor when Kenton owes him money. What about family loyalty? Good job David didn’t hear Kenton describe the Bridge Farm beef burgers as “beyond good.”

Kenton points out that Tony is family too and he cannot see what the problem is - Brookfield beef is on the menu on Sundays and their steaks are on the menu every day. David, who is very close to losing it, says “But they’re not on the Specials menu, are they!!!” I should point out that I believe that multiple exclamation marks are the sign of a troubled mind, but here I think they are justified. Kenton says that he is running a business here, to which David answers so is he, and it would help if his brother paid his long-overdue debt. “You’ll get your money” Kenton says “When!!!!” screams David (see above). 

Kenton then, rather unwisely, says that David doesn’t really need the money, as he inherited Brookfield. While all this is going on, Jill is flapping around, trying to calm people down. When David speaks, he is much calmer and says: “That’s it - I have no brother.” You can’t mean it!” Jill wails, to David’s retreating back as he leaves the pub. Ah! More internecine strife in the Archer family - we haven’t had one of those for - ooh, let’s think - it must be weeks.

While all this is going on, Elizabeth takes a phone call, which leaves her perplexed and worried - Camilla (Nigel’s sister) rang to say that Freddie called her and he wants to move out of Lower Loxley and go and live with her.

The back story to this is, at the recent Lower Loxley open day, Freddie was going to do some ‘behind the scenes’ tours of the usually-unvisited parts of the house, viewing hitherto-undisplayed artworks and furniture. A snip at £15. “If I only raise £200, it will help Lower Loxley’s petty cash” Freddie says, optimistically. For ‘optimistically’, read ‘wildly optimistically’, as Freddie’s tour should have been entitled ‘Britain’s Eurovision entry’, as it brought in precisely nothing.

Speaking to Kenton afterwards, he wondered what went wrong? Kenton said it was amateurish, overpriced and had numerous other failings. Kenton then spells out to his nephew exactly how precarious is Lower Loxley’s position as a business; without an alcohol licence it cannot continue and the reason it hasn’t got a licence is because Freddie is living there. Elizabeth won’t hear of him moving out, so we have an impasse. Kenton makes it clear - first the business will fold, and then the home will be lost.

Freddie says that it’s all his fault and it is now that he decides to go and live with Camilla. What his aunt feels about having a convicted drug dealer in her home is not known, but we assume that, from the speed with which she rang Elizabeth, she’s had better offers. Lily tries to persuade Freddie to stay, saying that, last night, she slept in Elizabeth’s room, as her mum is so fragile. Also, Camilla is a cow and doesn’t Freddie remember that they used to call her ‘donkey’? Freddie says he cannot keep messing up people’s lives: Billy (a fellow inmate whose friendship Freddie spurned and who tried to hang himself), Noluthando, and especially Elizabeth. “The only chance of mum getting better and making a success of Lower Loxley is for me to get the hell out of here. I’ve made up my mind - I’m leaving.” If he’s very good, perhaps Russ will drive him to Camilla’s.

The Man Who Put The ‘F’ In Philistine

Richard Attlee (Kenton Archer)

This week’s title could apply to so many people in Ambridge, but to save you guessing, I’ll tell you now that we are talking about Kenton here. He attended Russ’s first art exhibition at Lower Loxley and moaned because the gaffer tape hadn’t been removed from the floor, until Russ pointed out that it was, in fact, an integral part of one of the artworks on show.

The title of the exhibition was ‘Brex-Art’ and Russ gave Shula a guided tour, asking what does Brexit mean to so many people? My response to this was along the lines of ‘spectacular waste of time and money’, ‘feeding time at the chimps’ tea party’, and ‘couldn’t run a whelk stall’, but it seems that in this I too was guilty of Philistinism and that it’s really all about borders and this was reflected in the exhibits. When Kenton got his twin on her own, he had a moan about “a load of pretentious twaddle” and was amazed when Shula replied that Russ had given her a new insight into the artworks on show.

Kenton then had a dig at Russ, asking how many of the very good crowd (and it wasa very good crowd) had bought anything? Russ says that he’s well aware that the gallery should make money “but it’s not like pulling pints” and you have to build up a reputation so people will want their art shown at lower Loxley. Kenton is still sceptical and, when Elizabeth turns up, he is about to belittle Russ’s efforts when she says brightly that Russ has done an amazing job and she’s delighted. It is around this time that it is revealed that Lizzie paid off the £5k rent arrears that Lily and Russ had accumulated in Manchester (what were they renting – Old Trafford? The Etihad Stadium?). Kenton is incensed, telling his sister that she cannot be expected to keep bailing out Russ. Lizzie explains that she was the guarantor, and besides (and this must have been like dragging fingernails down the blackboard of Kenton’s soul), “because of him I feel so much better – I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Let’s pause here and think about Kenton’s attitude towards money – he upbraids Lizzie for helping Russ (conveniently forgetting that Lily was living there as well), while he (Kenton) put the bite on brother David to help him out of financial difficulty and now, because times are still hard, he’s reneged on the repayments.

Jolene says she needs some professionally shot promotion photographs to advance her career and Kenton throws a wobbler, saying they cannot afford it and he can do an equally good job with his phone. Jolene has her doubts, but allows herself to be persuaded, whereupon Kenton tells her to get glammed up and they will roam Ambridge, looking for suitable locations. These include the river bank, a hedgerow and the telephone box on the Green. When he shows her the results, it is evident that her misgivings were well-founded, as she hates them all. Of the photograph showing her leaving the phone box, she says “I look like I’ve just left my card inside.” Nevertheless, Kenton insists that they can’t afford a professional photoshoot. No need, says Jolene, as Richard Thwaite has got a super duper camera and has suggested that Jolene sits for him. As luck would have it, wife Sabrina is away all next week, so Jolene could pop over anytime. Suddenly, Kenton has a change of heart – the photos will be an investment and he now thinks that they should go for a professional job “What the hell, eh?” he tells her “It’s only money.” True enough Kenton, but it’s David’s money.

Over at Bridge Farm, nobody seems to think it odd that Natasha has been awol for 11 days. Nobody that is except super sleuth Susan Carter, who mentions it to Pat. To be fair, Helen has noticed Natasha’s absence and Tom’s excuse that she’s tearing around, trying to build up her juice business, is wearing thin. Tom eventually reveals all to Helen and now all they have to do is put Pat off the scent. Not easy, as she says that she and Tony haven’t had a chance to see how Tom and Natasha are settling into the flat and why don’t they drop round with a bottle one evening? “Too busy” Tom replies, moving off to do something with the pigs.

But this is Pat we are talking about and she won’t let it lie. Eventually, Tom realises that he will be worn down eventually and confesses that Natasha is back with her parents and he doesn’t know what will happen next. Fortunately for us, we are spared Pat’s thoughts on this as, unlikely as it seems, Jazzer comes to the rescue, but I’m afraid you’ll have to wait to read about this.

Jazzer returns home to Jim’s cottage. He’s supposed to be working at the Tea Room but has come back for some food, as Fallon has banned him from finishing off the customers’ leftovers – I bet she blesses the day that she took Jazzer on, as he has brought a whole new level of sophistication to the dining experience and ambience, but sadly not in a good direction. As gourmet Jazzer gets out some instant noodles, he tells Jim that the lawyer lassie he met in the Tea Room has told him that he could potentially be owed thousands by Bridge Farm for Constructive Dismissal.

Jazzer was well impressed with her office – apparently it had a desk, as well as curtains and – and here you’d better sit down – lots of books! Jazzer admits that he didn’t have a clue about most of what she was talking about, but he did latch on to the ‘thousands of pounds’ bit. “I’m not going to be walked over any longer” he tells Jim.

Jim advises caution and asks who will pay Jazzer’s legal costs? “Tom” is the answer and Jim gently suggests that, should Jazzer not win, then he could be in a considerably worse financial situation. “I’m not gonna lose” Jazzer says confidently and Jim has one last go, saying that what Jazzer needs is a lawyer who will take the case pro bono. Jazzer has a lightbulb moment – why can’t Jim take on the case, as he knows all the fancy words and he has been researching Constructive Dismissal on the Internet? Personally, I hold no brief for lawyers (pun intended) but even I think there’s a bit more involved than that.

Jim protests that he’s not qualified, but it appears to be in vain, as he and Jazzer confront Tom, Pat and Helen at Bridge Farm. Jazzer goads Tom about how hard he must be finding it, looking after the pigs single-handedly, but Jim shuts him up and says that they want a meeting “to discuss Jazzer’s severance”. Tom says Jazzer resigned, but Jim replies that a swift settlement would be good. “If not we will be forced to sue Bridge Farm.” And this was the rescue act referred to earlier – I accept that it’s not particularly good news, but at least it shut Pat up about going on about Natasha.

Let’s go back to Sunday and the cricket match. Chris is still acting captain, despite the fact that PCB - or as we will have to call him before long, SGTB; congrats on passing your sergeant’s exam Harrison – is back in the team. We soon come across a fundamental dichotomy in how the game is approached; Chris wants his team to play with respect and, if they lose, so be it, while Tracy is sledging every member of the opposition and, in her viewpoint, a good team is the one that wins, so knock them down and go for the jugular. She says that Chris hasn’t got enough Horrobin in him (something for which I suspect he is eternally grateful) and she and Chris are debating this argument, when PCB comes up with a solution – the vice captaincy is vacant, so why doesn’t Tracy do the job? She’s all for it, while Chris’s thanks are rather muted. Ambridge got thrashed, by the way.

Clarrie has been trying to get Will to apologise to Tracy over the debacle about the Valentine’s card that he thought had been sent by her, but which had, in fact, been sent by Mia and Poppy. Strong words were said on both sides and, three months later, no apology has been offered. Will does apologise to Tracy and she accepts, telling him that it is Mia that she is worried about “You’ve got yourself a treasure there and you’d do well to remember that” she tells Will.

Poor Will never seems to get things right, does he? When he learned that Mia was being snowed under with looking after the home, seeing to Poppy and doing the washing and cooking, he did an about turn, so now Mia isn’t allowed to do anything and she feels that Will is punishing her. Clarrie tries to reassure her that Will loves her, but Mia is in a strange mood and takes a day off school, hiding under the duvet.

Will tells her that he has a surprise for her – during the summer he is booking time off for them to have a holiday, as a family, camping in the Lake District. There will be windsurfing, kayaking, abseiling and who knows what else? Mia is underwhelmed and says that actually, she had planned to spend the holidays with Andrew, her father, as she “needs a break”. At this, Will loses it completely, telling her that he needs a break too and he goes way too far when he tells Mia that she would be turning her back on Poppy and Will, and furthermore, Nic would be so disappointed at her attitude. Voices are raised and Will goes off to get the fish and chips for supper.

We next hear Mia on the phone, leaving a tearful message for Andrew, begging him to come and get her “I hate him,” she says about Will, “and I want to come and live with you and Jake.” Will returns later, calling for Mia, but there is no answer and her room is empty. And so close to father’s Day, Will.

Let’s end by going back to Lower Loxley. Freddie has had an idea to show selected visitors the hidden parts of the stately pile, such as the attic and, while he, Elizabeth and Lily are up there, they discover Topper’s ashes. Freddie thinks this would be a good time to bury them and all three stand round the hole, throwing some ashes in and saying nice things about the deceased horse. Better late than never, I suppose. 

Kenton tries to get Freddie to take the H&S responsibilities seriously, but Freddie waves him away. Why is he organising these tours? He says it’s because he wants to do something so that his father would be proud of him, but I reckon the truth is, as he tells Kenton, that if Russ can put on a show, then so can he. I can’t help thinking that, getting an exhibition together and getting influential people to attend is somewhat harder than getting a few people up in the attic, apologising for the dust and warning them to watch out where they are stepping ‘as my dad fell off the roof to his death around here somewhere.’

Mia Culpa

Heather Bell (Clarrie Grundy)

There’s a big cricket match coming up in Ambridge but there’s a key member of the team missing – someone to make the tea. Chris tries to get Shula to do it (she used to when married to Alistair) but she’s too busy. Clarrie and Mia come to the rescue and are quite the partnership and apparently pull off one of the best cricket teas ever. However Mia’s got something on her mind and repeated attempts to talk to Clarrie keep getting interrupted. More of this later.

One of the reasons why Shula’s so busy is the church art project. She’s trying to drum up membership for the committee but so far no one has signed up. Jolene (who’s back from her tour) and Kenton can see how unhappy she is about it and try to persuade people to go along. Jolene fails to get Natasha on board (well, she has gone awol) but Kenton bags Russ and a second mystery person. Whoever it is, Jolene’s surprised – “are you sure Shula will want ‘er there?”. Well readers, who else could it be but Lynda Snell.

Sure enough, when we hear Shula greeting Jim at the start of the meeting we can already hear Lynda in the background, boasting about her organisational ability and criticising the poor turnout (Shula, Jim, Linda, Leonard and Russ). Shula sets out the vision for an artwork for St Stephen’s and of course Lynda’s already had some ideas, but so has Russ. Lynda’s big idea? A sculpture of a pair of feet being washed by many hands, to symbolise the community caring for each other. Russ is instantly dismissive (and immediately goes up in my estimation) and a sniff of epic proportions emanates from Lynda’s nostrils when he suggests something avant-garde instead.

Russ has already mocked up a piece based on the 14 Stations of the Cross but Lynda insists there’s 12 and an argument ensues (I’m starting to enjoy this). Bert’s idea of 4 poems and Jim’s of a hologram of Jesus (yes, really) don’t help and Shula, clearly having had enough, calls the meeting to an end. Leonard helps with the clearing up and remains optimistic that something good will come of it.

After that meeting Shula needs a drink and catches up with Alistair in the Bull. 

It turns out his and Shula’s Decrees Absolute have come through (I thought Alistair was sounding quite chipper this week) but she’s feeling guilty about what she’s put him through. Alistair’s very forgiving, surprisingly, and Shula’s relieved that he doesn’t hate her. She must be feeling very sorry for herself indeed.

Someone else feeling sorry for themselves is Freddie. Leonard’s enjoying a stroll around the grounds of Lower Loxley whilst admiring the architecture and comes across him sunbathing. He complains to Leonard that no one wants to employ an ex-con with no work experience but, as Leonard likes architecture, would he like to see the attic? Talk turns to Nigel and Freddie opens up a bit about how he feels about the loss of his father, about ending up in prison, and his newfound love of the house. He’s says he’s glad that Nigel can’t see him now but Leonard corrects him, saying that he didn’t end up in prison but went there – he has a lot to offer and has his whole life ahead of him to achieve anything he wants.

Spurred on by this conversation and Leonard’s obvious fascination with the attic, Freddie dreams up the idea of offering a Hidden Lower Loxley tour. He thinks it would be popular and has a flyer and press release ready. The problem is it’s in only 10 days, an unrealistic time scale that even his whining won’t square. He wants to do this to help contribute money to the business, and not a moment too soon as they’re interrupted by someone at the door. It’s a bailiff (sorry, ‘enforcement agent’) demanding £5,300 in cash or the equivalent goods from Elizabeth.

Who on earth could they owe this money to? Did Elizabeth refuse to pay the actors who performed the disastrous ‘Attack of the Mummy’ at Spookalicious? Is Freddie’s Barrister demanding payment of their expenses? No, Lily and Russ didn’t pay all the rent they owed on their flat before leaving Manchester. Lily’s beside herself with apologies and Freddie’s angry to the point of being in danger of jeopardising his bail, but Elizabeth finds the strength and is calm personified as she settles the bill.

Time to catch up with Ed who, after finally agreeing to the diving job, is back working with dodgy Tim. Another job has come through for that evening and it’s going to take the two of them to handle it. Ed knows that what he’s got involved with is not legit and starts panicking about being seen when they get to the rendezvous. Their contact arrives and, voices hushed, start transferring boxes from one van to another. 

Ed doesn’t feel any better when, on the drive back, Tim shows him the baseball bat he keeps for protection in case things turn nasty. “What am I supposed to do with that” exclaims Ed. Well, my guess is not play rounders to pass the time, or find the other two bats in the van and practice your circus skills – I would suggest it’s to beat the brains out of anyone trying to nick ‘the chemicals’. My prediction is that this storyline is not going to end well and Ed won’t be the only one affected.

In one of the more bizarre situations of recent times (and there are a few to choose from) Fallon gives Jazzer a job in the tearoom. We know it’s not going to go well, especially when she has to suggest he takes a shower first. So what does Fallon get Jazzer (the novice ‘I don’t know the first thing about tea’ tearoom assistant) working on? Clearing tables? Washing up? Taking out the rubbish? No, learning to froth milk while she clears the plates herself! Later in the Bull Fallon complains to Jim that Jazzer spent the whole time chatting and didn’t do a stroke of work. WHAT DID SHE EXPECT!

Things don’t get any better and Fallon has to reprimand Jazzer for gossiping about the Archers. He thinks the customers love his banter but Fallon tells him to tone it down and concentrate on the things he should be doing, like clearing tables. It doesn’t take long for her to catch him slacking and tells him he might as well not be there. However one of the customers he was talking to is a solicitor who tells Jazzer that he might have a case against Tom for unfair dismissal. Now that will be fun.

On his way to the art committee meeting Jim dropped in some money to Clarrie for Nic’s Lent appeal. She’s sure she put it in a bowl but now it’s not there despite looking everywhere and she comes to the conclusion that it’s been stolen. (It’s not the first time money’s gone missing around the Grundy’s; remember Eddie’s brother Alf?)

Are you keeping up with the strange bit-by-bit reappearance of Fallon’s stolen bunting? Tracy tells Susan that she’s found another piece and I can only hope this is leading to a much bigger storyline as I’m losing the will to live. Tracy’s other discovery this morning is that someone’s nicked Cecil Jackson’s washing. Surely not a coincidence suggests Susan, and goes on to link the two crimes with Clarrie’s missing money. Tracy goes off to investigate further, but not before she buys herself 2 scratch cards and a Flake; “I’m going to treat myself to an afternoon bath”. Hopefully the sight of Tracy Horrobin going down on a Flake in an overflowing bath is not the new Cadbury’s commercial.

Tracy doesn’t get her ‘me time’ as one of her scratch cards turns out to be a winner and she rushes down to the garage to cash it in. Instead of enjoying a mouthful of Flake she gets a right mouthful from George when she catches him and his mates throwing stink bombs on the green when he’s supposed to be looking after Keira, who is helplessly looking on (personally I found letting them off in an enclosed space to be more effective). She escorts George and Keira home and George starts playing his new computer game. “New game, what new game?” asks Clarrie, with the inference that George is responsible for this mini crime wave.

Clarrie confides this theory to Susan who is shocked and surprised that George could be the master criminal behind all this. She asks that Susan keep quiet about this while she thinks about what to do. Can Susan keep her mouth shut for once? It seems she can as we next catch up with Clarrie taking a flask of tea and some banana bread to Will. He’s not daft (annoying but not daft) and realises she’s softening the blow of something she’s about to tell him. Will can’t believe George would steal from Nic’s fund either but they agree to confront him later. This doesn’t go well apparently with George protesting his innocence and taking the accusation badly, and explaining that his friend lent him the game.

While this was going on Tracy had persuaded Mia to accompany her to the tearoom for hot chocolate and a sticky bun, from her scratch card winnings. It must have been a considerable win as she also hands Mia money to replace the donation that was stolen. This is news to Mia and she rushes off home and confesses to the crime. 

She didn’t know the money was for Nic’s fund and only took it to pay for Poppy’s school trip to the zoo - a trip that Will had forgotten about – and this is what Mia was trying to talk to Clarrie about at the cricket. The nub of the matter is that Will’s not been coping with being a single parent and Mia’s been picking up the pieces and taking on too much responsibility for a child. The storyline finishes with an acting tour de force by the young actor playing Mia that really pulled at the heartstrings.

“We’re going to make this all better”, says Clarrie. “I promise you Mia, everything’s gonna be ok”.