Sadia’s Legs Can Affect Your Brain, Apparently

Simran Kular (Sadia)

So, who’s Sadia? She’s one of the Brummies having a bonding week at Spiritual Home and it is driving her out of her mind. Despite the fact that she thinks village lads are ’lame’, we find her in the woods with Ben, Ruairi and an air rifle. The alternative, she says, is spending time with her mentor and she “would rather chew my foot off.”From this, one deduces that she has not bought into the philosophy and ethos behind Spiritual Home.

One can also assume that Ben and Ruairi have other things on their mind when they take her into the woods for some shooting. The boys set up some cans as targets and show her how good they are. Sadia demands a go and they hand over the air rifle which, we learn later, she is waving around like a lollipop. We learn this from Chris, who comes upon the trio and, to put it mildly, he is unimpressed. Firstly, they are too close to the road, although they protest that they were aiming away from it, so what if someone had emerged from the woods? Chris asks. It is later on, when he has the boys on their own, that we hear about the lollipop.

Sadia is impressed - she’d like to see Chris at work sometime, as she loves horses but can’t stand the smell. Chris says it isn’t going to happen and tells her to go back to Spiritual Home, as Ben and Ruairi are going to help him move a dung-hill. The boys are grateful that Chris never showed them up in front of Sadia, but this is tempered when they are dragooned into helping roll the cricket pitch for the next round of nets. They apologise to Chris and say “how could we be so stupid?”“You took one look at her legs and your brains went on holiday”Chris says, which would seem to indicate that a) Chris clocked her legs and b) they were certainly worth clocking.

I really wanted to start this episode with Freddie, but I couldn’t stand Neil posting Freddie’s photograph two weeks running. Last time, we said that he could moan for the Galaxy. Well, we were wrong - make that the universe, or cosmos, whichever is the larger.

On Sunday, Johnny is late for a games fest and Freddie goes all petulant when Johnny says that he can’t stay all day, as he is going to see Bella, to whom, incidentally, he is growing closer. Freddie is aghast, saying “she’s got you on a string mate. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.”And this is from a boy whose - as far as we have been told - romantic and sexual experience is confined to one night in a tent on the Isle of Wight. Having said that, we don’t know what went on in the showers when Freddie was (and I don’t mean this as a double entendre) banged up.

Moaning Freddie excelled himself last week - on Tuesday he comes across Johnny and Russ unloading bales of hay at Lower Loxley and goes spare, telling Russ that he has no authority to take deliveries or unload goods. Johnny explains that there was nobody else around (what was Johnny doing at Lower Loxley, anyway?) and Russ says that he just pitched in to lend a hand. Freddie tells him that he (Freddie) knows what Russ is up to - he’s trying to worm his way into Elizabeth’s confidence and get his feet under the Lower Loxley table. Russ sounds as though he is going to kick off, but then shows commendable self-restraint by stopping in mid sentence and announcing that he is going for a coffee.

However, what goes around comes around, to employ a well-worn cliché, and it comes round pretty damn quickly in this case as, on the same day, Freddie is facing a crisis. Elizabeth is stuck in traffic, following a major accident (she wasn’t involved, but traffic is going nowhere). Freddie needs to go and see his offender manager as part of his licence conditions, but Lily is using the car that she and Freddie share - I cannot believe that Elizabeth still hasn’t bought them one each - and, as we learned earlier, there’s no-one else around.

Actually there is and Freddie approaches Russ with a total lack of humility “I’ve absolutely got to get there” Freddie tells him. Not, you will notice, ‘I’m in trouble and I wonder if you could do me a big favour?’ but rather an arrogant assumption that Russ will drop everything (not that he’s got much to do) and take him. Of course, Russ does and, in the car, Freddie starts up an incessant whining - why is Russ going the long way round? (To avoid the traffic jams) Can’t he go a bit faster? (No) Why couldn’t Russ just lend him the car? (Driving with no insurance wouldn’t impress the offender manager and Freddie would be back in chokey in no time). 

Russ tells him that he is over-reacting and Freddie then stops moaning and says “I get it - this is revenge” and he accuses Russ of deliberately trying to make him miss the appointment. Russ stops the car, much to Freddie’s alarm, and says that, “if you don’t like my driving, you can get out now.” He then goes on to tell Freddie a few home truths, saying “you might get on better in life if you weren’t so bloody rude all the time” and that they should be civil to each other, if only for Lizzie’s and Lily’s sakes. “Ever since you came back you’ve been begging everyone for a second chance, but you won’t give me even one, will you?” Russ says he is not a chancer and he really loves Lily, which is why he is giving Freddie a lift. This appears to have the desired effect, as Freddie says “thanks Russ” in a small voice and he promises to think about what Russ has said.

As things turn out, this was a good move from Russ, as Elizabeth, Lily and Freddie are all grateful. Russ is talking to Lizzie and he suggests that it might be for the best if he were to move out and stay with a mate in Borchester - it might make for a better atmosphere at Lower Loxley. This decision has nothing to do with the relationship between Russ and Lily, he stresses; they still love each other. Throughout the entire conversation, the name ‘Freddie’ isn’t mentioned once.

Next day, Elizabeth has a solution - Lewis is finding the job of running the Lower Loxley Art Gallery increasingly onerous (we have said before that it must be hard, unlocking - and locking up - the doors each day) and so Lizzie is offering the job to Russ. He says he’d love to, but it wouldn’t be a popular decision. Liz says that she thinks it’s an excellent idea and so does Lewis. Again, the F-word is not mentioned.

Elizabeth says the salary is not brilliant, but the job does come with board and lodging, so how about it? Russ does take the job and, in talking to Lily, he mentions that Freddie wasn’t too pleased but Lily says that at least he has been making an effort recently. Presumably Lewis is on his way to the Workhouse with his possessions in a bundle on a stick over his shoulder.

We had one more example of Freddie’s moaning, as he confronts his sister - he heard that she recommended Tyler for a job at the Call Centre; why not Freddie, who is desperate for a job? Just missed out on the Art Gallery manager’s gig as well, Freddie. Lily explains that, when she is at work, she leaves all the cares of Lower Loxley behind; if Freddie were there, he would bring Lower Loxley with him. He accepts this and Lily adds that, while she doesn’t want him at the Call Centre, she will help him find a job. “But how?” asks her brother, despondently. “You’re forgetting how brilliant I am” she replies and, when he asks why is she doing this, the answer is “Because I’m your sister Freddie, and that’s what sisters do.” 

I must say that my sister never got me a job, unless you count dangling my teddy bear out of the bedroom window and threatening to drop him unless I laid the table for tea, which was supposed to be a joint task. But back to the Archers… Bearing in mind Lily’s track record and ease of getting jobs, it is worth remembering that Mark Carney’s tenure as Governor of the Bank of England is due to expire in January 2020, so maybe Lily has her eye set on a nice little desk job for her twin?

We have spoken about Jakob’s reticence to engage in social activities, but last week it transpired that he and Chris Carter are acquainted (Jakob gave a talk to the local farriers’ society). Jakob helps Chris out with a tricky problem and Chris takes him for a beer. Jakob insists that it mustn’t be in Ambridge, as everywhere he goes people ask him questions about his private life. The worst person, he tells Chris, is the woman in the shop, who is just so nosey. “I think that’s my mother you’re talking about” Chris says quietly. That’s right Chris - the nosey rent-a-gob. I may have got this wrong, but I think that Jakob sent Susan some flowers by way of apology (he told her to back off - she’s not his mother) - since when do you have to apologise for speaking the truth?

And so to Tom and Natasha, for who the course of true love is strewn with pitfalls. The pair run into Fallon and try to arrange a date for Fallon’s makeover, but her reaction soon turns hostile. The reason? Jazzer is telling everyone that it was Natasha’s idea to get rid of the pigs (it was Tom’s - she just backed him up). Furthermore, apparently Susan is telling people that it was Natasha who got rid of the kefir, thus curtailing Susan’s career as kefir manager, or supremo, or whatever. Tom is all for having it out with Susan, but Tony advises him to let it go - it will soon pass.

Natasha learns of this and takes her husband to task for not sticking up for her and telling people that these were not her decisions. She reels off a list of times that Tom failed to support her and she is getting fed up with being regarded as the wicked witch. “For future reference Tom, “ she tells him, “I won’t be offended if you ever do stick up for me.” For his part, Tom is concerned because it comes to light that Natasha has been receiving calls from Trev, her ex. And not only receiving, as she has been pouring out her heart to him, because she has no-one else she can talk to when she is feeling miserable and lonely. Why didn’t she tell Tom? “Because I knew you would blow it out of all proportion” she replies, which Tom immediately does, asking if it was going to be kept a secret “like the credit cards.” He had no idea she was unhappy. “It sounds like you wish we’d never got married?” “No [pause] of course not” she says.

Finally, Ed approaches Tim and says that he is now interested in the driving job. This change of attitude comes after talking to wife Emma, who says that not paying VAT and filling in paperwork correctly isn’t so bad and that everybody does it, which, coming from a Parish Councillor, is a bit worrying. I’d take great care Ed, or you could end up doing a Brian Aldridge and appearing in court.