Rather A Personal Question, Peggy

Edward Kelsey (Joe Grundy)

You have to feel a bit sorry for Natasha, as she is paraded round Ambridge, being introduced to Tom’s extended family. Natasha reports back after her lunch with her ex, Trev and Tom tells her that they have been invited to lunch at Bridge Farm tomorrow (Wednesday), plus Peggy has invited them for afternoon tea on Thursday. Tom accepted both invitations. Natasha isn’t very happy, as she has a lot of work to catch up on, but she says, presumably through gritted teeth, that she will fit in with his plans.

Natasha had a one-on-one chat with Emma, who says it must be weird, as Natasha realises that she is related by marriage to half the people she meets. As it turns out, the Bridge Farm lunch is a bit of a wash-out as Natasha finds herself alone with Tony, as everybody else is busy on the farm. Frustrated, Natashe says that, had she known, she could have got more work done. Never mind that, Tony says, he’s got something to show her. It’s an Angus calf and Natasha is distinctly under whelmed as Tony burbles with joy. 

He also says that Natasha has been good for Tom - he’s more determined and decisive, “which is why he was so quick to book the honey -” Too late, Tony realises that he has let the cat out of the bag and begs her not to say anything to Tom. Tony also says that he and Pat used to wonder if Tom would ever find his path in life “but now you’re married, we can stop worrying, can’t we?”

Never mind, there’s always high tea at The Lodge, but even this doesn’t go according to plan, as Tom is held up, due to a problem with the pigs. Great - a chance to reschedule and get some work done, Natasha thinks, but Peggy has other ideas - it gives her and Natasha the chance to get to know each other better. The first thing Natasha learns is to keep away from Hilda. “You startled her when you got up suddenly” Peggy tells Natasha reprovingly, as she puts a plaster on where Hilda clawed her. “She’ll be your best friend when you next meet” Peggy assures her, but agrees that perhaps Hilda should be locked in the kitchen for now.

‘Getting to know each other’ is a euphemism for ‘having the third degree’, as Peggy interrogates her on a number of personal matters. All that’s missing is the bright light and thumbscrews. Peggy understands that Natasha’s last relationship was a lengthy one, so why didn’t they get married? Instead of saying ‘mind your own business, you nosey cow‘, Natasha says that the subject never arose. Undeterred, Peggy carries on, saying that she isn’t getting any younger (and neither are Tom and Natasha) “so what are your plans for starting a family?”

Talk about breathtakingly intrusive! We were not told Natasha’s reaction to this, but we can assume it was not favourable. On Friday, Tom is in the shop, trying to buy scented candles - he gets candles, but they are not scented and he is desperate to create a striking ambience when Natasha returns to the flat. The scentless candles are not the only evidence that every expense has been spared on this venture, as Susan says how lucky Tom was to pick up the last bunch of flowers (lilies) as Susan had offered them to Mia for £1, but she passed.

When Natasha comes in, she spots the candles and asks if the electric has been cut off? The lilies, she adds, make the kitchen look like a funeral parlour and reminds her of her great aunt’s funeral. Tom immediately bins the flowers, which is the first sensible thing he has done all evening. He tells her that he has booked a honeymoon and she is anxious, as her passport might need updating. No need, says Tom smugly, as it’s not abroad. OK, Natasha muses - there are lots of parts of Scotland that she has never visited.

Triumphantly, Tom shows her a photo on his tablet of the lodge that he has booked - it has its own sauna and spectacular countryside views. Natasha is a tad disappointed that it will be a self-catering break and disappointment turns into incandescent anger when Tom reveals that, not only is the destination not abroad, but it isn’t even outside Borsetshire, as it’s only 20 miles down the road. 

As Natasha throws a wobbly, Tom doesn’t help when he tells her that they couldn’t really go far, in case there’s a problem with the pigs. Natasha yells at him that he can take the pigs with him “because I’m not going!” She tells him that she is suffocating in Ambridge, where she is expected to be the perfect wife and, after the visit to Peggy, apparently the perfect mother as well. 

“Trev was right,” she tells Tom, “he said Ambridge would crush the life out of me and it’s happening already.” She starts packing a bag and tells Tom to get out of her way. Tom tells her she is overreacting and where is she going? Is it something to do with Trev? Natasha says no and she doesn’t know where she is going; “anywhere I can get my head together - I need some space.” I suppose we should be grateful that Tom didn’t say ‘shall I see if mum and dad or Peggy can put you up for a few days?’ As it is, the week ends with Tom saying that he loves her and we hear the sound of the door slamming and Tom sobbing. Well, that was a waste of £1 on the flowers, plus I hope Tom has a good appetite, as he ordered a couple of gourmet takeaways.

Earlier on in the week, a four-year-old mystery raised its head, as Natasha, who was buying flowers to take to Bridge Farm (presumably not lilies) showed Susan something she had found tied to the door handle. It was a piece of the bunting that Fallon made about four years ago and which disappeared from the Green one night. No trace was ever found and the incident marks one of PC Burns’ less successful cases. For reasons that I didn’t catch, Susan wonders if Barry (who he?) might be the person responsible. To be honest, you couldn’t pay me enough to care and I suspect I am not alone.

Of course, last week was Easter weekend and Lower Loxley was, if not exactly humming, then at least ticking over. Russ acquitted himself well as the Easter Bunny, until he was stung in an embarrassing place by a bee or a wasp that got inside his costume. Never fear - Kenton bullied Tom into taking over for the last fifteen minutes or so, which he did with rather bad grace.

Elizabeth seems to be making progress and, on Tuesday she is walking with her mother Jill round the grounds of Lower Loxley and they come across Chris Carter, who is shoeing Cranford Crystal. Elizabeth, much to Jill’s alarm, is very frank about her mental illness and depression. Jill drags her away and asks her if it was wise to open up quite so much to Chris? It wasn’t explicitly stated, but you know Jill was thinking ‘if he tells Susan, then the whole of Borsetshire will know within the hour.’ Elizabeth, however, seems unfazed and says “there’s no shame in talking about mental health.”

Jill’s friendship with Leonard appears to be jogging along nicely, with the pair visiting the graveyard. Jill has brought flowers from her garden to lay on Phil’s grave and Leonard tells her to take her time - he’ll wait for her on the bench. We learn in passing that Leonard has made up his mind - he will join Shula’s church art project committee.

Jill does take her time and, when she returns, she tells Leonard that she had been telling Phil about what has been happening on the farm and in the village; in fact she often chats to her late husband before going to sleep. Leonard reveals that he does exactly the same with his late wife and the pair leave the graveyard hand in hand. I suppose that there’s nothing the matter with talking to late partners, although it would be different if the deceased spouses started answering back. 

While on matters relating to the church, Shula confides in Freddie that she has regained her faith after Alan talked some sense into her and showed her that her self-centredness was the real problem.

Will Grundy tries to get back into step-daughter Mia’s good books when he tells her that he was wrong with how he handled the whole situation with Mia and Ruairi and, if she likes, she can ring him and explain. She replies that it doesn’t matter. In fact, she ran into Ruairi earlier in the week and he made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want her to message him when he’s back at school - his fellow classmates would make his life a misery. Mia is upset by his attitude, but keeps it to herself.

Will says that he would also like to apologise for something else - the Lent Appeal in Nic’s name is going great guns and it is all down to Mia. Will admits that he was against the whole idea at the start, but Mia thought it would be a fitting tribute to her mother and she was spot on. There’s something else too; Will has arranged for Mia to have extra maths lessons at weekend - he has engaged a tutor, a Miss Jenkins. Mia is alarmed - she has heard that Miss Jenkins is very strict and tells her step dad. “Excellent” replies Will, but Mia has reservations.

Ed Grundy carried out his first ‘driving job’ for Tim and he is pleased that the money was very substantial. He shows a wodge of cash to Emma and says that they can now get George the computer game that he wants. Emma, however, is more practical and says that they should put it towards the new house. Spoilsport.

Farewell Edward Kelsey

Edward Kelsey, the actor who played Joe Grundy for 34 years, died on 24^thApril, at the age of 88. He joined the cast in 1985 as patriarch of the Grundy family and featured in a number of storylines, most of which involved complicated ideas and schemes for making money and the vast majority of which went spectacularly wrong. The character of Joe would have been 98 in September and, when he (presumably) is written out in the near future, he will be sadly missed by sons Eddie and Alf, daughter-in-law Clarrie, grandsons Will and Ed, numerous great-grandchildren, horses Bartleby and Gem and, of course, the ferrets. Joe often expressed the wish to die at Grange Farm and it looks as though his last wish has finally been granted.

Sadia’s Legs Can Affect Your Brain, Apparently

Simran Kular (Sadia)

So, who’s Sadia? She’s one of the Brummies having a bonding week at Spiritual Home and it is driving her out of her mind. Despite the fact that she thinks village lads are ’lame’, we find her in the woods with Ben, Ruairi and an air rifle. The alternative, she says, is spending time with her mentor and she “would rather chew my foot off.”From this, one deduces that she has not bought into the philosophy and ethos behind Spiritual Home.

One can also assume that Ben and Ruairi have other things on their mind when they take her into the woods for some shooting. The boys set up some cans as targets and show her how good they are. Sadia demands a go and they hand over the air rifle which, we learn later, she is waving around like a lollipop. We learn this from Chris, who comes upon the trio and, to put it mildly, he is unimpressed. Firstly, they are too close to the road, although they protest that they were aiming away from it, so what if someone had emerged from the woods? Chris asks. It is later on, when he has the boys on their own, that we hear about the lollipop.

Sadia is impressed - she’d like to see Chris at work sometime, as she loves horses but can’t stand the smell. Chris says it isn’t going to happen and tells her to go back to Spiritual Home, as Ben and Ruairi are going to help him move a dung-hill. The boys are grateful that Chris never showed them up in front of Sadia, but this is tempered when they are dragooned into helping roll the cricket pitch for the next round of nets. They apologise to Chris and say “how could we be so stupid?”“You took one look at her legs and your brains went on holiday”Chris says, which would seem to indicate that a) Chris clocked her legs and b) they were certainly worth clocking.

I really wanted to start this episode with Freddie, but I couldn’t stand Neil posting Freddie’s photograph two weeks running. Last time, we said that he could moan for the Galaxy. Well, we were wrong - make that the universe, or cosmos, whichever is the larger.

On Sunday, Johnny is late for a games fest and Freddie goes all petulant when Johnny says that he can’t stay all day, as he is going to see Bella, to whom, incidentally, he is growing closer. Freddie is aghast, saying “she’s got you on a string mate. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.”And this is from a boy whose - as far as we have been told - romantic and sexual experience is confined to one night in a tent on the Isle of Wight. Having said that, we don’t know what went on in the showers when Freddie was (and I don’t mean this as a double entendre) banged up.

Moaning Freddie excelled himself last week - on Tuesday he comes across Johnny and Russ unloading bales of hay at Lower Loxley and goes spare, telling Russ that he has no authority to take deliveries or unload goods. Johnny explains that there was nobody else around (what was Johnny doing at Lower Loxley, anyway?) and Russ says that he just pitched in to lend a hand. Freddie tells him that he (Freddie) knows what Russ is up to - he’s trying to worm his way into Elizabeth’s confidence and get his feet under the Lower Loxley table. Russ sounds as though he is going to kick off, but then shows commendable self-restraint by stopping in mid sentence and announcing that he is going for a coffee.

However, what goes around comes around, to employ a well-worn cliché, and it comes round pretty damn quickly in this case as, on the same day, Freddie is facing a crisis. Elizabeth is stuck in traffic, following a major accident (she wasn’t involved, but traffic is going nowhere). Freddie needs to go and see his offender manager as part of his licence conditions, but Lily is using the car that she and Freddie share - I cannot believe that Elizabeth still hasn’t bought them one each - and, as we learned earlier, there’s no-one else around.

Actually there is and Freddie approaches Russ with a total lack of humility “I’ve absolutely got to get there” Freddie tells him. Not, you will notice, ‘I’m in trouble and I wonder if you could do me a big favour?’ but rather an arrogant assumption that Russ will drop everything (not that he’s got much to do) and take him. Of course, Russ does and, in the car, Freddie starts up an incessant whining - why is Russ going the long way round? (To avoid the traffic jams) Can’t he go a bit faster? (No) Why couldn’t Russ just lend him the car? (Driving with no insurance wouldn’t impress the offender manager and Freddie would be back in chokey in no time). 

Russ tells him that he is over-reacting and Freddie then stops moaning and says “I get it - this is revenge” and he accuses Russ of deliberately trying to make him miss the appointment. Russ stops the car, much to Freddie’s alarm, and says that, “if you don’t like my driving, you can get out now.” He then goes on to tell Freddie a few home truths, saying “you might get on better in life if you weren’t so bloody rude all the time” and that they should be civil to each other, if only for Lizzie’s and Lily’s sakes. “Ever since you came back you’ve been begging everyone for a second chance, but you won’t give me even one, will you?” Russ says he is not a chancer and he really loves Lily, which is why he is giving Freddie a lift. This appears to have the desired effect, as Freddie says “thanks Russ” in a small voice and he promises to think about what Russ has said.

As things turn out, this was a good move from Russ, as Elizabeth, Lily and Freddie are all grateful. Russ is talking to Lizzie and he suggests that it might be for the best if he were to move out and stay with a mate in Borchester - it might make for a better atmosphere at Lower Loxley. This decision has nothing to do with the relationship between Russ and Lily, he stresses; they still love each other. Throughout the entire conversation, the name ‘Freddie’ isn’t mentioned once.

Next day, Elizabeth has a solution - Lewis is finding the job of running the Lower Loxley Art Gallery increasingly onerous (we have said before that it must be hard, unlocking - and locking up - the doors each day) and so Lizzie is offering the job to Russ. He says he’d love to, but it wouldn’t be a popular decision. Liz says that she thinks it’s an excellent idea and so does Lewis. Again, the F-word is not mentioned.

Elizabeth says the salary is not brilliant, but the job does come with board and lodging, so how about it? Russ does take the job and, in talking to Lily, he mentions that Freddie wasn’t too pleased but Lily says that at least he has been making an effort recently. Presumably Lewis is on his way to the Workhouse with his possessions in a bundle on a stick over his shoulder.

We had one more example of Freddie’s moaning, as he confronts his sister - he heard that she recommended Tyler for a job at the Call Centre; why not Freddie, who is desperate for a job? Just missed out on the Art Gallery manager’s gig as well, Freddie. Lily explains that, when she is at work, she leaves all the cares of Lower Loxley behind; if Freddie were there, he would bring Lower Loxley with him. He accepts this and Lily adds that, while she doesn’t want him at the Call Centre, she will help him find a job. “But how?” asks her brother, despondently. “You’re forgetting how brilliant I am” she replies and, when he asks why is she doing this, the answer is “Because I’m your sister Freddie, and that’s what sisters do.” 

I must say that my sister never got me a job, unless you count dangling my teddy bear out of the bedroom window and threatening to drop him unless I laid the table for tea, which was supposed to be a joint task. But back to the Archers… Bearing in mind Lily’s track record and ease of getting jobs, it is worth remembering that Mark Carney’s tenure as Governor of the Bank of England is due to expire in January 2020, so maybe Lily has her eye set on a nice little desk job for her twin?

We have spoken about Jakob’s reticence to engage in social activities, but last week it transpired that he and Chris Carter are acquainted (Jakob gave a talk to the local farriers’ society). Jakob helps Chris out with a tricky problem and Chris takes him for a beer. Jakob insists that it mustn’t be in Ambridge, as everywhere he goes people ask him questions about his private life. The worst person, he tells Chris, is the woman in the shop, who is just so nosey. “I think that’s my mother you’re talking about” Chris says quietly. That’s right Chris - the nosey rent-a-gob. I may have got this wrong, but I think that Jakob sent Susan some flowers by way of apology (he told her to back off - she’s not his mother) - since when do you have to apologise for speaking the truth?

And so to Tom and Natasha, for who the course of true love is strewn with pitfalls. The pair run into Fallon and try to arrange a date for Fallon’s makeover, but her reaction soon turns hostile. The reason? Jazzer is telling everyone that it was Natasha’s idea to get rid of the pigs (it was Tom’s - she just backed him up). Furthermore, apparently Susan is telling people that it was Natasha who got rid of the kefir, thus curtailing Susan’s career as kefir manager, or supremo, or whatever. Tom is all for having it out with Susan, but Tony advises him to let it go - it will soon pass.

Natasha learns of this and takes her husband to task for not sticking up for her and telling people that these were not her decisions. She reels off a list of times that Tom failed to support her and she is getting fed up with being regarded as the wicked witch. “For future reference Tom, “ she tells him, “I won’t be offended if you ever do stick up for me.” For his part, Tom is concerned because it comes to light that Natasha has been receiving calls from Trev, her ex. And not only receiving, as she has been pouring out her heart to him, because she has no-one else she can talk to when she is feeling miserable and lonely. Why didn’t she tell Tom? “Because I knew you would blow it out of all proportion” she replies, which Tom immediately does, asking if it was going to be kept a secret “like the credit cards.” He had no idea she was unhappy. “It sounds like you wish we’d never got married?” “No [pause] of course not” she says.

Finally, Ed approaches Tim and says that he is now interested in the driving job. This change of attitude comes after talking to wife Emma, who says that not paying VAT and filling in paperwork correctly isn’t so bad and that everybody does it, which, coming from a Parish Councillor, is a bit worrying. I’d take great care Ed, or you could end up doing a Brian Aldridge and appearing in court.

Moaning Freddie

Toby Laurence (Freddie Pargetter)

There’s no doubt that Freddie could moan for Great Britain, if not the Galaxy. Ok, he’s had a hard time, but it was largely self-inflicted and if he is expecting people to let bygones be bygones, he is delusional. He gets an inkling of how the land lies at Rosie’s christening, where we learn later that Kate “more or less told me I’m not wanted around here”. It seems that Kate is not alone, as Freddie says that the Aldridges have closed ranks on him.  

Shula is all right with Freddie which, given the amount of time that he is spending hanging around The Stables, is a good thing. Shula suggests that he should get out and talk to people, so Freddie asks Johnny if he fancies a drink or three that evening. Johnny was going to go out with Bella, but he tells Freddie that he’ll cancel that, the fool. The evening is disappointing, with no live music at the pub and a good time is not being had by all. I think the boys are lucky – in my neck of the woods it’s hard to find a pub that opens on a Monday evening, let alone has live music.

Freddie’s mood is not helped when he gets texts from Russ, asking where is Freddie? Russ is doing this on behalf of Elizabeth, who is stressing over how her son is feeling and coping. When it comes to coping, the answer is ‘not very well’; when Johnny suggests that Freddie tells his family of his whereabouts, Freddie yells “It’s not necessary!” He then screams “Will you all just leave me alone!” and rushes off into the night, leaving Johnny behind, no doubt reflecting on what he and Bella could be up to at this moment.

The next day, Freddie is having a hissy fit at breakfast, as he can’t find the jam (it’s all ‘me, me, me’ with this lad). Lily wants to talk to him and he takes the opportunity for more snide remarks about Russ. Lily says she’ll make him breakfast (hemlock on toast would be favourite), then they’ll talk. Freddie thinks it’s going to be about Russ, but Lily is trying to make her brother see how bad a state Elizabeth is in – she can’t make decisions and some days she’s living in a fog and cannot function properly. Lily does mention how much Russ has been helping Elizabeth to get through the days, but this cuts no ice with Freddie. He does seem to realise that his mother is suffering a serious illness and not just feeling a bit under the weather and he says he will try to help a bit more, but he will not work with Russ – on this or anything else. “I want nothing to do with that creep.” Freddie says.

One person that Freddie has been dreading running into is PC Burns, but on Friday he goes to see the local copper and apologises for messing up his stag night and all the trouble afterwards. PCB demonstrates that he is a nice bloke by saying that Freddie has done the time and, as far as PCB is concerned, that’s an end to the matter and they can shake on it. Freddie is both pleased and surprised and enquires about going to cricket practice. PCB says he’d be welcome, but he (PCB) won’t be running tonight’s practice – Chris Carter will be taking it. Bearing in mind what Freddie said about the Aldridges earlier, he decides to take a rain check.

Freddie also had a heart-to-heart with Kenton, who told him that he defended Freddie when he got arrested, but when the true story (dealing drugs, getting Noluthando into hospital) emerged, Kenton wasn’t happy “Me standing up for you nearly split this family apart” he tells Freddie, but adds that Freddie is his nephew and he cares for him, but Freddie should remember that he’s not the only one who has had a hard time.

Perhaps emboldened by these relatively positive reactions, Freddie goes to see Fallon at the Tea Room and apologises to her. She says she’s willing to start again, but when Freddie asks if he can have Tyler’s job (who has recently quit), Fallon tells him bluntly that she doesn’t want him working there. Freddie gets angry and says that she owes him, as it was her father Wayne who originally sold him drugs. As a bargaining ploy, this is a spectacularly bad strategy and Fallon tells him to get out and bans him sine die from the Tea Room. Nice work, Freddie.

In paragraph one, we referred to Rosie’s christening and Toby’s cunning plan, which was, just as Alan came to the name ‘Grace’ to fake a sudden and violent fit of coughing. This would have worked if Alan hadn’t decided to recite the names again and, when another coughing fit ensued, a third time. In the end, Jill learned her great-granddaughter’s full name. The ceremony was a bit of a downer for Jill, as Rosie was wearing the Fairbrother christening gown and Robin was acting like the Lord of the Manor, organising the photography and generally strutting around. However, Leonard to the rescue, saying what a wonderful family occasion it was and that Josh had tears in his eyes. I have a theory about this – before the ceremony started, Josh was asking how long was it going to take, as he had a tractor auction to attend. I reckon the tears were because he’d missed the start of the auction. Whatever, Jill had a few precious moments alone with Rosie and her day didn’t turn out too badly.

We turn now to Leonard, who some of our more cynical readers have been eyeing with suspicion – nobody can be so unfailingly nice and he must be harbouring a terrible past or a dark secret. And so it seems – he gave Jill a painting of snowdrops which was really quite well done, so much so that Shula commissioned him to paint a picture of a horse. Leonard turns up at The Stables and sets to work. After about an hour, Jill drops by to see how he is getting on. The answer is ‘not very well,’ as he has just painted a patch of grass and hasn’t started on the horse. Bit by bit, the sorry story emerges – he never painted the snowdrops, but bought the picture. When Jill assumed it was his work, he didn’t disabuse her. He did try to paint snowdrops, “but they looked like miniature lampposts” he tells her sorrowfully. Can she ever forgive such a deception? Jill breaks into a foul-mouthed tirade and tells him to never darken her door again. No, of course she doesn’t – not only does she forgive him, laughing about the whole thing, but she asks him if he has one of the pictures he painted, as she’d like to display it. Presumably this is as a conversation piece; the conversation going along the lines of ‘what the bloody hell is that monstrosity doing on the wall?’

Leonard is worried what he is going to tell Shula, but she has enough troubles of her own. She is scheduled to preach the sermon at Rosie’s christening, but, as she stands in the pulpit, she catches sight of Jim and his comments about hypocrisy come back to her. Unable to continue, she abandons her sermon and leaves the pulpit. Later on, she leaves a message on Alan’s phone, telling the vicar that she doesn’t feel able to preach again, sorry.

A day or two later, she runs into Jim at Grey Gables, and he invites her for a coffee. Shula thinks that he is going to gloat, but on the contrary, he says that what she did was an act of great courage and honesty. Shula admitted that she felt like a hypocrite and now she isn’t sure of anything any more and she feels like the ground is no longer solid beneath her feet. “I need to think this all through on my own” she continues, begging Jim not to tell anyone.

What else has been happening? Ruairi learns from Mia that she is having trouble understanding fractions, so he offers to come round and help her out. The pair are having a break and there is much laughing (Ruairi tries to make it fun). They are having a break for a game of tea bag golf (don’t ask) and Will bursts in on them. Ruairi is holding Mia’s hand to demonstrate how to best throw the tea bag and Will loses it totally, saying “She’s only thirteen!” and throws Ruairi out of the house, stopping just short of accusing him of being a paedophile. Will is furious with Mia as well, for not telling him that Ruairi was coming round. Ruairi is shaken by the whole episode and, as he tells Ben later, all he can do is avoid Will like the plague and make sure never goes near Mia again. Will, who has been exhibiting signs of niceness and consideration over recent weeks, is slowly reverting to his former, unlovable self and, if he isn’t very careful, he is risking alienating his own family, including his step-children.

Someone else who is heading for family trouble is Tom Archer, who has behaved over the past few weeks with a breath-taking lack of subtlety and consideration. He was at it again last week, telling his parents that he had something to tell them. Pat immediately assumed that Natasha was pregnant, but no – Tom’s big idea is to sell the pig herd. He only needs pork for the sausages, so it makes sense to buy from a big organic producer and not bother about raising his own herd. 

Tony and Pat are stunned – what about Jazzer? Tom says airily that he can find Jazzer work on the vegetable side, but Tony protests that Jazzer is a pigman (in every sense of the word). For her part, Pat is worried because the pigs were originally John’s business and getting rid of them seems as though they are expunging the memory of John. In fact, Pat thinks that this is all Natasha’s idea and the two women exchange some frosty (on Pat’s part at least) words. When they are alone, a tearful Pat tells Tony that Natasha is changing Tom (good job too, I say) and she is “taking over one of my sons and riding roughshod over the memory of the other.” Tony tells her that Natasha was just backing up Tom and that Tom would never forget his late brother.

Natasha takes Tom to task – he knew that talking about the pigs would inevitably lead to a discussion about John and he never told her, leading to the bad feeling from Pat. “You let me down Tom, and it wasn’t the first time, was it?” she tells her husband, referring to the fact that he never told her about Helen’s bad experiences at the hands of Rob, leaving Natasha to blunder into an embarrassing conversation about it. Sensitive as ever, Tom tells Natasha that Pat will get over it.

Certainly, when it comes to tact, Tom was at the end of the line when it was handed out, and he now has the job of breaking the news to Jazzer that the Scotsman’s ‘wee lassies’ are living on borrowed time. Tom’s strategy is to approach the subject at a tangent and, so successful is he with this, that it takes Jazzer an age to realise what he is on about. “You mean you’re getting rid?” he cries incredulously when the penny eventually does drop. It’s fair to say that Jazzer is not best pleased and his mood is not made any better when Tom tells him about the vegetable working, adding rather patronisingly that Jazzer could expect to be paid as a pigman for a whole three months after the pigs have gone. An irate Jazzer tells Tom that he’s out of there and marches off the farm and it speaks volumes for Tom’s man-management skills and all-round empathy with his fellow human beings that he genuinely cannot see what Jazzer is upset about.

Jakob - Man Of Mystery

Paul Venables (Jakob Hakansson)

Alistair met his new co-worker and equine expert last week. Jakob Hakansson is - to put it mildly - a tad reserved and taciturn; in fact having a conversation with him is like pulling teeth, with questions answered monosyllabically, if at all, and Alistair’s attempts to get to know more about his new colleague are doomed to failure. Alistair has heard about a Swedish custom, where workers bond over coffee and cake, so he buys some cake. Jakob reveals that he left Sweden years ago and, anyway, he doesn’t eat cake, thank you very much.

On Thursday, Alistair begs Jim to join him at the surgery for lunch - he’s desperate to get more than two words out of Jakob. At the surgery, Johnny phones Alistair because he is worried that the Montys have not yet calved. Jakob is mystified - what did Johnny hope to achieve by ringing the vet? What did he expect Alistair to do? Under his breath, Alistair mutters “Come on Dad, where are you?”

Alistair isn’t the only one to be frustrated by Jakob’s reticence, as Jakob asks Alistair “What’s wrong with the woman in your village shop?” The woman in question is Susan, so Alistair could be forgiven for saying ’would you like a list?’ Jakob continues to wonder why she needs to know his entire CV before she will sell him a pint of milk. “You have to make allowances” is Alistair’s advice. Smack her I say.

The reason for Jim’s absence is that he has been detained by an incident at The Stables - a horse has thrown its rider and is out of control. Shula is talking to Jim and Freddie runs over to give her the bad news, whereupon Shula tells him to go and get the vet, while she (and Jim) will look after the horse. Alistair and Jakob turn up and the horse has suffered an injury, the like of which neither Shula nor Alistair have seen before. Jakob has, however, and he handles the situation brilliantly - the horse should make a full recovery. The thrown rider was OK too, in case you were wondering.

As they stand around talking, Shula mentions Rosie’s christening. There is a bit of a crisis on the organ-playing front, with the danger that Valda (who she?) might have to come out of retirement, or be disinterred, I forget which. However, it looks as if Patrick might be able to juggle his commitments and play. Unexpectedly, Jakob shares that he used to play the organ in church and would welcome the chance to play again, so that’s one thing we know about Jakob that Susan doesn’t. Shula says that she will put Jakob’s offer to Alan for consideration. Alistair thinks he should buy Jakob a congratulatory drink later. “I have other plans for this evening” Jakob replies, reverting swiftly to type.

Shula resumes her conversation with Jim and it’s far from cordial. She wants to talk about her art project for the church, but, being an atheist, he is scathing and sceptical, dismissing it as “some sort of vanity project, or is it some kind of penance?” Shula protests that he should at least respect her beliefs, but he says “why should I, when you don’t?” and he reminds her that she broke her wedding vows, calling her “the worst kind of hypocrite” as she tells Alistair later. Perhaps unwisely, she asks Alistair if that’s what he thinks and he prevaricates and is non-committal.

Freddie is spending a lot of time at The Stables - he went out riding three times last week - and he tells Shula that it’s the exact opposite of being inside. Shula wants to introduce him to Francesca, a new stable girl, but he says best not, as she wouldn’t be interested in a jailbird. I don’t know, Freddie; some girls are attracted to a bit of rough. Having said that, I think that Freddie is as far away from being ’a bit of rough’ as it’s possible to get.

He is so pleased to be out of prison and vows that he’ll do whatever it takes never to go back. Spending the day with his mother, Freddie suggests that they go tenpin bowling, as they did just before he was banged up. They have a good time, but we learn that Elizabeth cancelled a session with her therapist, without telling Freddie. When Lily learns of this, she takes her brother to task. As caring and considerate as ever, Freddie tells her to lighten up.

Freddie continues to be scathing about Russ (or “your ancient boyfriend” as he tells his sister) but Russ is giving Elizabeth great support and encouragement. To digress here, wouldn’t it be great if Russ and Elizabeth got together? Imagine Freddie’s reaction if Russ became his stepfather. But back to reality - Elizabeth confides to Russ that she doesn’t feel as good as she thought she would when Freddie came home. Russ tells her that she is suffering from depression and she cannot expect to just snap out of it - there will be lots of ups and downs but he thinks she is making steady progress. 

There was a sticky moment for Russ in the shop, where Will was questioning him about being a teacher. Russ immediately goes on the defensive but it turns out that Will is just looking for someone to give stepdaughter Mia some additional maths tuition. Russ explains that his subject was art. Ruairi overheard this conversation and he offers to teach Mia. Will accepts and Ruairi turns out to be a good teacher. Mia enjoys the session and Ruairi offers to make it a weekly event, refusing Will’s offer to pay him for his time. Will says that he will donate the money to the ‘pay for a favour’ project.

In last week’s blog, we mentioned our reservations about Tim Oatey. He and Ed are installing a new, electric gate and Tim says that he has a proposition for Ed; a driving job that could pay good money. The money is apparently very good and Ed wonders why. Tim says that it involves delivering chemicals, such as fertiliser and the like and the wage reflects the fact that some of the jobs are at very short notice and it entails a lot of night work. Ed says that it seems a funny time to deliver chemicals and Tim reassures him that it’s not hookey - it’s just that some of the paperwork has been bypassed. Ed isn’t convinced and tells Tim that he doesn’t think it’s a job for him. Tim is disappointed and says that they had better get on with the gate.

Ed returns to Grange Farm, where he is greeted by an unhappy Emma - she went to The Lodge to clean for Peggy, who told her not to bother with the inside of the house, but gave her cleaning tasks outside. When Emma had finished, Peggy paid Emma and stunned her by saying that her cleaning services were no longer required, as Kate would be cleaning the house from now on and please close the gate behind you. Really? Kate? Cleaning? Good luck with that. Emma is very disgruntled at the way she was dismissed and it does seem a bit un-Peggy like.

Just then, Tim turns up and tells Ed that he has dropped off Ed’s toolbox with his dad. Ed says that surely he will need it when they finish off the gate job tomorrow, but Tim says that Ed won’t be needed; Tim will finish it by himself. He goes and Emma says never mind, Ed is sure to get more work from Tim later on. I hate to tell you this Emma and Ed, but I fear that this is the last you’ve seen of Tim. That’s two sources of income down the drain in one afternoon - how will this affect buying the affordable home?

At Bridge Farm, we have already mentioned how Johnny is getting twitchy about the pregnant Montys. Towards the end of the week, Tony makes the discovery that one of them has managed to calve without any outside help. Not only that, but there’s another beast where calving looks imminent. This one is having trouble and Johnny is on the verge of panicking. Tony tells him to calm down and that he can handle this. Johnny discovers that she is carrying twins and one is a breech birth - he manages to deliver the calf, following Tony’s instructions, but it’s not breathing. Tony tells him to clear the calf’s nostrils and it begins to breathe normally, making Johnny the happy father of two heifer calves. Johnny thanks Tony, but Tony says that Johnny did all the hard work “and I couldn’t be more proud” his grandfather adds.

Sunday will be the day of Rosie’s christening and there are still one or two small matters to sort out, not least of which is who will be the godparents? Pip asks Ben, but he says that he cannot do it - he doesn’t believe in God and doesn’t go to church (“and neither do you” he reminds his sister). And don’t get him started on religion. He accuses Pip of being a hypocrite and abandoning her principles. So that’s a ‘no’ then, Ben?

Towards the end of the week, Toby has some bad news, which he imparts to Pip and Josh - Ricardo (a prospective godfather) has to fly to Frankfurt right away. Josh is intrigued; who is Ricardo? When Toby says that he was someone he knew in the City and admits that Ricardo has never even seen Rosie, Josh takes umbrage - how could they choose a stranger over him?

Pip says that Josh has never shown any interest in Rosie and he leaves the room every time she cries. Josh retorts that he doesn’t like babies, but Rosie won’t be a baby forever, will she? And he stalks off. Later on, Toby (who, incidentally, is planning to make gin using Helen’s whey as a source for the base spirit - would you feel comfortable asking for a ‘milk gin’ in the pub?) seeks out Josh and apologises - neither he nor Pip realised how he felt. Toby asks him if he will be a godfather and Josh plays him along for a while, only agreeing when Toby says “Come on dude - don’t make me beg.”

“He’s agreed!” Toby shouts and there is a delighted yelp from Pip, who has been hiding nearby. She tells her brother how delighted and grateful she is. Pip then asks Toby if Jill was ok about Rosie’s name when he went to see her. Josh is mystified - what problem could there be with Rosie’s name? Pip starts to explain about the addition of Grace as a forename, but Toby, who hasn’t actually told Jill about it, cuts across her and Josh. “Jill’s fine” he reassures her hastily, adding “Everything’s fine - don’t worry.” Pip, who really ought to know better and who obviously hasn’t learned much about Toby from previous experience, smiles happily and says “You’re right - it looks like we’re all set for a perfect day.” Oh yeah, Pip; want to bet?

Now I Have My Suspicions About Tim

Tim Oatey (Carl Prekopp)

I think I’m becoming paranoid; last week’s blog was entitled I think Russ is up to somethingand this week the finger of suspicion is pointing at Tim Oatey. You know Tim - he’s the one who keeps giving Ed some much-needed work (and money) doing odd jobs. He also managed to procure a van for Eddie at short notice for £200 when Eddie’s current vehicle gave up the ghost.

This first aroused my suspicions - from where did he manage to procure the vehicle and how come it was so cheap? Did it come with a key, or was it hot-wired? Anyway, on Thursday, Ed took the afternoon off from working at Home Farm to help Tim repair a fence. Ed has been having a whinge about Adam, who is continually checking on Ed’s work and really getting on his nerves, when Tim gets a message on his phone. He isn’t pleased and tells Ed that he’s got to go, muttering something about cows getting out and he‘ll be away about an hour.

As it turns out, he’s away for three hours and Ed asks if the cows are ok? “Cows?” says Tim, nonplussed, then he recalls what he said and adds that one injured itself and needed the vet. He quickly changes the subject and heaps praise on Ed for the amount, and quality, of the work he has done during Tim’s absence. As I said earlier, it could just be my paranoia, but then again, maybe Tim has a secret. If so, I hope it’s not something that is going to adversely affect Ed, nor his chances of getting one of the Beechwood houses, as he is due a bit of good fortune. We’ll keep an eye on Tim.

Let’s turn to love’s young dream - Natasha and Tom. It seems the honeymoon may be over, as the pair have their first serious disagreement. She rings Tom up and asks him to look through her post, as she is up against a deadline with HMRC. Tom finds what she wants but he also notices a credit card bill - she owes £8k. Tom is appalled, but Natasha says that everybody does it and it is all about projecting the right image in business and he shouldn’t worry.

Tom, however, takes after his dad when it comes to money (i.e., you’d need a spanner to get money out of him, which is why the new £1 coin has so many sides) and he is horrified to discover two more credit card and store card bills. Altogether, Natasha’s debts amount to the thick end of £15k. You may wonder what Tom is doing looking through his wife’s mail, but he explains to her that he was looking for the charger that he lent her a few days earlier. Natasha might be forgiven for saying that he’s not likely to find it in an envelope, but once again she tells him to chill and not to worry.

Tom is suddenly affected by ‘I’m the man of the house’ syndrome and lectures his wife on being more frugal. “No more fripperies - you are mired in debt” he tells Natasha in his best Victorian manner. Voices are raised and Tom says that, carrying this amount of debt means that renting the house in Penny Hassett would be unsustainable and as such he has contacted the agent and cancelled the deal. As an economy measure, this is not a brilliant move, as it means they lose the deposit of several hundred Pounds.

Next day Tom takes Natasha a coffee and asks if he’s forgiven. “I can’t stay mad at you for more than ten minutes - I love you.” she tells him. Come on woman - at least you can try. Go and see an anger management expert, or give me a call - either of us will show you how to stay angry at Tom; it’s easy once you know how.

Tom is certainly pushing his luck, as he tells Natasha that they should consider taking the flat over the shop - at least they would be on their own. Natasha isn’t keen, citing the landlady from hell (Hazel Woolley), delivery lorries turning up early in the morning and “Radio Carter broadcasting our every move.” Tom replies “Susan’s not that bad”, which would seem to indicate that he is either very stupid or has not been taking any notice of village affairs for the past decade or so, “We can make this work” Tom says, earnestly.

Earlier in the week, Tom and Natasha pitch their idea whereby people can order veg boxes and Bridge Farm products online. ‘The farmers’ market on your phone’ as they describe it. They have commissioned a studio to come up with the design for the app and the website. They plan to roll out the app to other organic farmers and hope to make it a national brand, with farmers paying them a commission on every item sold. “As long as you don’t charge Bridge Farm” Tony jokes.

Tom and Natasha look at each other and explain that the idea is a stand-alone enterprise, which he and Natasha are funding themselves. As such, it seems only fitting that they get something in return. Tony and Pat are stunned initially and can’t get their heads round this. What about Helen - after all, the Bridge Farm shop is her baby? We learn later that Helen, who is still moping over breaking up with Lee, has no problem with the idea. Even Tony is moving onside, reminding Pat that Tom and Natasha would only be taking commission on extra sales generated via the website and, after all, Natasha is Tom’s wife now. Pat remains unconvinced and seems worried that suddenly no-one will physically go to the shop and everybody will be ordering goods online. Come on Pat, this is Ambridge we’re talking about here, so how likely is it that this will happen any time soon. Or any time ever, come to that.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Pip killed Toby before long - he tells Tom and Natasha that he is living at Rickyard now and other people are noticing that he seems to be around there a lot. Shula and Jill discuss it and Jill admits that she has no idea what’s going on. However, her day is made on Sunday when she has the whole family, including Pip, Toby and Rosie, over for lunch. To pause here, I wonder if Jill has ever cooked a Sunday lunch just for those who actually live at Brookfield - usually it’s like a soup kitchen for the not-so-badly-off. She’s at it again last week, saying that she’d like all the children and grandchildren for lunch on Mothers’ Day. Shula points out that Jolene and Kenton are unlikely to have the time and, when they tried a similar thing at Christmas, it was not a success, with Russ being teased unmercifully by Josh.

So, on Sunday, the Archer family members are forming an orderly queue at Brookfield’s door and, while chatting, Toby lets slip the fact that they have been discussing a christening for Rosie. Pip tries to put a brake on things by saying that nothing has been decided yet, but Jill has fixated on the word ‘christening’. “It’s a family tradition” she tells her granddaughter. Actually, baptism is slightly wider than an Archer family tradition, Jill, but we’ll let that pass. Pip says that she doesn’t even go to church and she and Toby aren’t married, but Jill (and Shula, which I found surprising) say that that’s not important. Pip still doesn’t feel comfortable about it.

Back at Rickyard later, Pip takes Toby to task and tells him that Jill won’t be happy to learn that Rosie’s third forename is Grace, to which he says that surely she won’t mind. “OK, you tell her” Pip replies. Toby seems really keen on the christening and keeps bringing up the subject of Godparents. When he and Pip (and Rosie) go to see Alan to discuss things, Alan is also relaxed about the lack of a marriage licence and not going to church. The only important thing, he says, is that the Godparents have been baptised. Rex and Lily are in the frame at the moment and both qualify.

A day or so later, Toby calls in at Brookfield to have a word with Jill, but she answers a phone call from Carol. Leonard tells Toby that she will probably be hours on the phone and he reveals that Jill has invited him to the christening, as she regards him as past of the family. Toby is intrigued and asks Leonard how has he charmed his way into the Archer clan. Says Toby: “I’m the father and I’m lucky to be invited.” Toby leaves without talking to Jill - better get your finger out Toby, as I suspect that, if the first that Jill knows about the Grace name is when Alan christens Rosie, then St Stephens might well experience a scream and perhaps a word or two that you don’t often hear inside a church. Whatever, the baptism will happen.

Alistair has a meeting with Doug, one of the partners of Lovell James, and he soon realises that things are not going to be as easy as he thought. Doug says that, as well as being good vets, L-J employees are expected to work towards the financial well-being of the company. Or, to put it another way, Alistair should push the company’s pre-payment plans to customers. Alistair isn’t happy, but he’s sold out now. Oh yes, Doug also tells him that he will undergo an annual appraisal and he (Doug) will be keeping an eye on him.

Friday was a big day at Lower Loxley, as it was the day that Freddie is being released from prison. Lily is driving Elizabeth to meet him and Lizzie is excited, saying “My boy’s coming home!” Lily is worried because her mother seems to think that they will just be able to pick up where they left off before Freddie was banged up, but Lily is convinced that prison will have changed Freddie and it won’t be as easy as Lizzie thinks. Incidentally, when Jill is discussing Freddie’s imminent release with Leonard, she - inevitably - suggests a large family lunch at Brookfield. Leonard says that perhaps Freddie wouldn’t want a large gathering. “Just an afternoon tea, then?” Jill answers.

While Liz and Lily are away, Russ roams the village, sketching. He tells Jolene “It’s Frexit day today” (I bet the writers jumped with glee when they realised that Freddie’s release coincided with the day when the UK was supposed to leave the EU). Jolene says that, as far as she’s concerned, Freddie has done his time and that’s an end to it “But some in the village will brand him as a wrong ‘un.” I would just advise Elizabeth to count her anti-depressants very carefully, just in case Fred returns to his old, drug-dealing ways.

Meanwhile, Freddie emerges from the prison and hugs his mother and twin, saying how good it is to breathe fresh air again. He notices that Lily has brought the car that he and she share and he asks to be allowed to drive. Lily throws him the keys and he says gleefully “Buckle up ladies - prepare for the ride of your life!”

Now, I don’t wish Freddie any ill-will, but wouldn’t it be ironic if he got stopped for speeding, or if the police officer said “I’m sorry, Mr Pargetter, but according to our records, you do not appear to have renewed your car insurance…”