How Do You Solve A Problem Like Mia? Not That Way, Will

Molly Pipe (Mia Grundy)

Have you noticed how some characters have emerged from the shadows and are coming more and more to the fore? One such is Mia, Nic’s oldest, who never used to have a speaking part but last week took centre stage. On Sunday she was at church and asked Alan if she could help out at Children’s Church, which was Nic’s pet project. Alan tells her to ask the person who organises it and she runs off to enquire.

Alan is in a quandary - what scheme can he come up with for the Lent Appeal? “We seem to have run out of things to give up” he tells Clarrie. They talk for a while - mostly about how Mia should be spending time with children of her own age - and Alan says that Clarrie has given him an idea, but he needs to fine tune it and run it past Will. Nice to know that the Rev Franks’ fertile mind is still working when it comes to Lent.

Mia is, if not sixteen, going on seventeen, then thirteen, going on thirty (don‘t worry; these musical references will, hopefully, become clearer, as the following day she runs into Ruairi, who offers her a lift on his bike (isn’t that illegal - where’s Harrison when you need him?). Clarrie finds the pair together and immediately leaps to the wrong conclusion, banging on (when Ruairi has gone) about teenage crushes and how she had some when she was younger, which is a tribute to her memory, if nothing else. Mia insists that she doesn’t have a crush on Ruairi, but Clarrie won’t let it go. Mia eventually loses it, saying angrily “You just don’t get it, Clarrie - I ain’t got time for boys, all right?”

So what is Alan’s great idea? He goes to see Will and says that he suggests a ‘Pay for a Favour’ scheme, where people get someone to do them a service and then donate an appropriate sum to the Appeal fund (no doubt Tracy could raise three figures). The total will be donated to Borsetshire hospital’s Intensive Care Appeal in Nic’s name - what does Will think? ‘Not much’ is the answer, as a disgruntled Will observes that they didn’t manage to save Nic. “But they might save someone else” Mia points out but Will is in mega-truculent mood (takes you back a year or two, doesn’t it?).

This gets worse because Mia has suggested that they could celebrate Nic’s life by going to a sing-along performance of the Sound of Music on the anniversary of Nic’s death. Alan is in favour, but Will is appalled - as he tells Mia later, he cannot begin to tell her on how many levels this is inappropriate - the anniversary of Nic’s passing is not a time for celebration and singing - presumably he has the sackcloth and ashes waiting for the family.

So now you will, hopefully, have sussed out the musical references, but, going back to the Alan/Will/Mia situation, Mia lets her feelings known, as she tells Will “I hate you” and locks herself in her room. He knocks on her door and she lets him in (“for a minute”). Mia tells him that she thinks Alan’s Lent idea is a good one and she is also going to tell Clarrie about TSoM - she bets Clarrie thinks it’s a good idea. Will begins “No, I think…” but is interrupted by Mia saying “It’s all about what you think - what about us? We miss Mum too, or have you forgotten?”

The following day, Clarrie finds Will on the estate and tells him that Mia has been in touch - Clarrie cannot understand why he reacted as he did and says Alan’s idea is a good one. For once, Will accepts that he is in the wrong and says that he should apologise to Alan - Nic would be ashamed of him. To cut a long story short, Will does apologise to Alan and agrees to his Lent Appeal idea. Not only that, but, as he later tells Mia, the TSoM idea is a good way of remembering Nic. Had you realised this four days earlier, Will, we could have saved ourselves a lot of grief.

Going back to paragraph one, we have another comparatively new voice - that of Ruairi. When he has spoken in the past, he had a strong Irish accent, but that has vanished now. Earlier, we had him and Mia meeting with Clarrie (Ruairi even called Clarrie “Mrs Grundy”, which presumably made her look round to see who he was talking to). Later on, he was talking to Ben at The Bull and, to the two boys’ glee, Lily came in with Russ and they both went over to needle him, calling him ‘Mr Jones’ and asking if he is going to apply for the vacancy at the college, ‘which has suddenly arisen.’ Russ approaches Lily and says that he wants to go home - a former colleague at the college said she was amazed that he had the nerve to show his face and, as Russ tells Lily, that this “and the comments of your smartarse cousin” means that he wants to go home.

Ruairi confides to Ben that he has agreed to give up his boarding school and go to the Cathedral school for his A-Levels - Brian and Jennifer believe that this is because he wants to ease their financial burden, but he tells Ben that it is because he wants the opportunity to meet the girls at the school. Nice to think that Ruairi is giving his academic future such profound and considered thought. It seems that we have yet another truculent teenager - or two, if you count Mia - to look out for in the future. It’s enough to make you sigh deeply. I suppose it’s because we are all getting older - people probably moaned when Grace Archer died in the 1950s and said that things would never be the same.

But let’s backtrack - what are Lily and Russ doing in Ambridge? Isn’t it kind of them to return and support Elizabeth? Well, yes and no, as we soon find out that they have been evicted for rent arrears, but this fact is glossed over when they tell Lizzie that they are there to look after her. It soon becomes apparent that Russ has other ideas, as he says that Elizabeth seems to be getting on all right with her family and he therapist and so on. All he and Lily really need is some money - Lily is appalled; how dare he think of touching up Lizzie for a loan (gift, more like) when she gave them some money before Christmas? Russ says that she misunderstands - there’s always Lily’s Gran, or other family members, to sponge off, although he doesn‘t put it like that.

Russ suggests that their “hovering” presence isn’t doing Elizabeth much good; especially as she reveals that she has told Freddie about her depression and Lily feels down, because a few words from Freddie appear to have bucked Elizabeth up no end, while Lily’s presence does not meet with such praise, or even seems to be having such a positive effect. Russ thinks that leaving would be a good idea, but Lily says “We can’t go back to Manchester - we don’t have a flat; I don’t have a course and you don’t have a job.” Russ replies that he won’t ever be able to get a job in Borsetshire and is Lily using her mother’s illness as an excuse to get rid of him? Lily is upset and says she needs him more than ever and “whatever we do next, we’ll do together; I promise.”

From young love (at least in Lily’s case) to more mature affection, as Jill goes to see Peggy. Peggy has made Jill’s favourite shortbread and soon lets it be known that she wants the lowdown on Leonard, Jill’s new friend. Jill describes him and Peggy suggests that he might be more than just a friend - they have Scrabble days and apparently there is the sound of much laughter. Come on - Scrabble is nothing to laugh about. Jill asks what Peggy would think if they were more than friends, to which Peg replies that it’s nice to see Jill happy. We might ask the question, what’s it got to do with Peggy? Jill is old enough to make up her own mind about friends - and men.

Peggy tells Jill not to worry about what people - and family - think and Jill resolves to contact Elizabeth the next day, as it is she that Jill is concerned about. As it turns out, Elizabeth gives her mother food for thought, by telling her about her depression and the fact that she is on medication and seeing a therapist. Jill is shocked and, as we learn later when she talks to Kenton, Jill is concerned that Lizzie’s problems might be rooted in her childhood and it could all be Jill’s fault. Jill’s anxiety is because Elizabeth was treated with kid gloves due to her heart problem and was she spoiled? Kenton assures her that no-one could have had a better mother and not to worry.

Midweek, Kenton had to eat a large helping of humble pie - he had booked his mate Des in to sing at The Bull and Kenton and Jolene were having some musical differences. She was dismissive of Kenton’s stack of vinyl as ‘pretentious’, while he describes it as ‘classic’. The one example we were given was ‘Tubular Bells’ by Mike Oldfield and, while I would agree with Kenton that it was ground-breaking, I would be the first to admit that it isn’t the kind of music to get the party started.

Kenton went further and described Jolene’s Country & Western music as - actually, I cannot remember exactly what he said, but the words ‘sentimental’ and ‘American rubbish’ seem to spring to mind - I just recall that I agreed with a lot of what he said. In the event, Des never turned up - he called Jolene, citing car trouble as the reason - and she reminded Kenton that she had always thought Des was unreliable. Kenton was confronted with a packed Bull, awaiting the appearance of an artiste who wasn’t coming - what was a man to do? The answer? Grovel, Kenton, and boy, did Jolene exact her pound of flesh - Kenton had to beg on his knees “Whatever happened to stand by your man?” he asked, plaintively Jolene eventually gave in and performed, singing and playing her banjo.

There was a tense moment when the floor collapsed as everyone dived for the door - no, that is a total lie, as even Ben and Ruairi admitted that it was a good show “if you like that sort of thing” and “she was OK for her age.”

Jennifer was paid a visit by Susan, who came bearing a gift of chocolate brownies. Susan was keen to see what Jen had done to Willow Cottage and Jen was keen to get rid of her as soon as possible, but, with protestations of being neighbourly, Susan inveigled her way into the kitchen. Su admired what Jen had done with the kitchen, but hints about what they had done upstairs were batted away by Jenny. Susan even asked to “use the facilities” and, when she started to go upstairs, Jenny reminded her that there was a downstairs cloakroom, just across the hall. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that” Susan replied, in a mournful voice. However, the day belonged to Susan, as there was a blockage in the U-bend and she returned home to get the requisite tools to fix it. Jenny did so, under Susan’s supervision, and was delighted. Susan then played her trump card - would Jenny and Brian join her and Neil for a dinner party? “How can I say no?” asks a bemused Jennifer. Pity Brian wasn’t there - I bet he would have shown his wife how to refuse; and not gracefully, either.

Don’t Mention The Roof, Leonard

Paul Copley (Leonard Berry)

Leonard is getting his feet well and truly under the tables of a number of the Archers - on Sunday, he and Jill rock up at Lower Loxley and it is almost as if Jill is parading him round her family. If this is the case, she was doubly lucky on Sunday as, not only was Elizabeth there, but also Kenton and Jolene, which came as a surprise to Jill. She apologises to Leonard, saying that Lizzie must have forgotten that she and Leonard were coming. 

Leonard, Jill explains, used to be a Chartered Surveyor and he waxes enthusiastic about the architecture. Kenton assists his sister in showing Leonard around the stately home and she is keeping it together quite well, until Leonard turns his attention to the roof, asking lots of questions about it. Elizabeth is getting a bit fractious - fortunately Leonard doesn’t ask ‘How long do you think it would take someone falling from the roof to hit the ground?’ - and Jill thinks it is time that they left. She, of course, is unaware of her daughter’s depression and, when she has left, Kenton congratulates Lizzie on her performance, adding that she should only tell Jill of her depression “when you are absolutely ready.”

That might be some time, as Wednesday’s episode was a two-hander between Elizabeth and her therapist, Jamila. This was an excellent piece of acting, with Elizabeth breaking down in tears when Jamila asked her about Nigel’s death. Lizzie banged on about how it affected the twins, but Jamila says that she wants to know how it affected Lizzie, not her children. As Elizabeth recalls some of the events of her life - how Nigel escorted her to her boarding school, dressed in a gorilla suit, for instance - she becomes more and more emotional.

Elizabeth tells Jamila that she was quite spoiled (she had a heart problem and was treated with kid gloves by her father, especially) and she responded by being wild and rebellious, getting expelled from school for drinking under age and becoming pregnant by Cameron Fraser and having an abortion. As the memories continue, Elizabeth breaks down completely and is in floods of tears, especially when she recalls Nigel playing with the twins - she says that she had all she ever wanted and now she is trying to keep Lower Loxley going, but it’s all gone wrong and she can’t fix it - she misses Nigel now more than ever and she is completely in pieces. Jamila tells her that there are no easy fixes when it comes to overcoming depression; “it’s frightening, painful and it will take time.” At least Elizabeth has taken the first steps and I suspect that we will be hearing much more from Jamila in future.

I’m surprised that we didn’t hear from depressed readers, as this week, Kate returned from South Africa. Jenny and Brian met her at the airport, much to Kate’s delight, but Brian explained that if they hadn’t met her, she would have got a taxi “And we know who would have had to pay for that, don’t we?” he added sourly. Jenny wants to have a family dinner and welcome Kate back as part of the family. “Families don’t force each other to sell their house” is Brian’s comment. This attitude of intolerance continues when they get back to Willow Cottage and Kate enquires where are the family pictures and the easy chairs? She’s cold - where are her clothes? Brian explains that the clothes, furniture etc are in storage because there’s no room for them. And, talking of rooms, she can only stay until Friday, as Ruairi will be back then and will want his room back.

Kate is not best pleased by this turn of events and asks them how are they getting on with looking for a bigger place to live - one with three bedrooms, say? Brian spells it out - “If you think you’re going to live here with us, you’ve got another think coming.” Kate appeals to her mother, but Jenny (who will normally excuse Kate anything) sides with Brian and says, in an annoyed voice, that she and Brian had to sell their home “You are just going to have to stand on your own two feet from now on.” When Kate asks where do they expect her to live, Brian helpfully suggests one of the Spiritual Home yurts.

On Friday, Ruairi comes back from Brookfield, where he spent the night after the ‘Love Sucks’ party and demands his room back. Kate accuses him of being drunk (actually, he’s hungover - Love Sucks wasn’t the babe-magnet event that he had hoped; in fact he tells Brian later that, with the dearth of girls, it was like being back at school). In a breathtaking ‘pot/kettle’ moment, Kate appeals to Brian “Listen to him - are you going to let him treat you this way?”

The answer to this is ‘yes’ and, the following day, Kate is pouring out her troubles to Roy, saying “the little princeling has returned“. He says that surely there must be someone who’d give her a room? (Alice and Adam have turned her down). Kate hints that Roy has a spare room, but he heads this off at the pass by saying that Phoebe may be at Oxford, but when she comes home, she’ll want her room. Also, while it’s true that Kirsty will be moving out - she has finally agreed to move in with Philip, as she told Helen and Tom earlier in the week - that won’t be until the summer, at the earliest, as the house isn’t built yet. Roy is obviously scared enough to find Kate somewhere (else) to live, as he intrudes on Lilian, who is relaxing after a massage at Grey Gables. He tells her about Kate’s troubles, adding that he knows how close Lilian and Kate are. Lilian cannot believe that Kate’s family are treating her this way (I can - only too easily) and she says she’ll see what she can do.

Actually, Lilian was surprised at Roy’s interruption and, by way of apology, he asks if he could get her another drink. “Was it an iced hibiscus tea?” he asks. Not if it hasn’t got at least three fingers of gin in it, it wasn‘t, I would suggest, Roy. Anyway, the next day, Lilian seeks out Kate (which probably makes Lilian unique) and she offers Kate accommodation at the Dower House. Kate worries (though not for long) what Justin will think, but Lil assures her he won’t mind (ha!). Kate is overjoyed and says “we can have pyjama parties and everything” and Lilian replies “Trust me darling, we are going to have so much fun!” I can’t help feeling sorry for Justin.

Let us now examine the widely differing experiences suffered by various inhabitants of Ambridge on Valentine’s Day. We begin with Ben and Ruairi’s ‘Love Sucks’ party, which is being held in a caravan at Brookfield. Rooooth is keen to have a quiet night, with wine and a romantic meal, but she is thwarted by David, who spends most of the evening looking out of the window, wondering what is going on in the caravan. Rooooth says that the attendees at the party consist of Ben’s male friends, but David is worried because he saw Molly and Tilly Button making their way down to the caravan and now he’s lost sight of them.

Rooooth pours him some wine and brings him his steak, but David tells her to stick it back under the grill, as he is going to check up on what is happening. She joins him outside a bit later and tries to get him to come back and finish his dinner, but no chance - David hears laughter coming from the hay shed and sternly orders whoever it is to come out - now! It turns out to be Tilly Button and one of Ben’s (male) friends. On the subject of the Button girls, wouldn’t it be great if there were three of them - we could have Molly, Tilly and Belly. Just a thought.

But we digress. Rooooth eventually gets David back home but he is still going on about the party, asking “What would have happened if I hadn’t caught Tilly and the lad?” Well, David, they could have been rehearsing for the Nativity play, or on the other hand, they could have been doing what Rooooth clearly wants to do, as she knocks him on the head (he’s looking out of the window again) and drags him back to bed, to have her evil way with him. At last the penny drops and David leaves the window unattended.

Will’s Valentine’s Day was not so romantic. He visited the tea room, where he was going to buy ice creams for Mia and Poppy. He is talking to Emma, behind the counter, and Tracy is there. She tells Will that he has been so brave - and by the way, she loves his new haircut - and she is sure that he will soon have women queuing round the block, as “who could say ‘no’ to Borsetshire’s sexiest gamekeeper?” An obviously-alarmed Will leaves the shop without buying anything and Emma is exasperated with her aunt, who cannot understand what she has done wrong. Later that evening, Emma goes to see Will to apologise for Tracy, but he says it doesn’t matter - he has had a quiet night in, thinking of Nic. As Emma goes, Will notices a card on the doormat and it is an anonymous Valentine. “What sort of sick person would send me something like that?” Will asks his ex-wife.

Next day, Will and Mia run into Tracy and he accuses her of sending the Valentine, adding that she could never take Nic’s place. He calls her (and I quote) “A nasty, over-the-hill skank” - Ah! These terms of endearment! (Make up your own Valentine’s rhymes). Tracy is outraged, but Mia, who has been listening, says “It weren’t her, it were me” (The Grundy abuse of the ‘to be’ verb is evident here). Will describes this by saying “that would be sick.” Tracy agrees, saying “yeah, sick of being brought up by a pathetic little loser like you.”

Later on, Will talks to Mia, who says that the card idea was really Poppy’s, who didn’t want Will to think that nobody loved him. Will assures her that he got upset because he loved Nic more than anything, and still does. He cuddles Mia and says “You kids are all I need - I promise you, no-one’s ever going to replace your mum.” How long before Will finds someone else, do you reckon? Probably not Tracy, though.

Over to Helen and Lee, who are spending the evening at a Mexican restaurant. They are getting on well and Lee buys her a rose. He then gets serious, saying that there are some things he wants to say. Firstly, he hasn’t felt like this about anyone for a long time, to which Helen says that neither has she, but she wanted to be sure, as she’s made some bad mistakes in the past. Lee then confesses that, in his previous relationship, he didn’t treat Alesha very well - he was obsessed  with things like work and the gym and neglected his family. 

I wanted Helen to snort and say ‘You think that’s bad, you pussy? I left my husband an inch from death and he had to have a stoma after numerous knife wounds - don’t talk to me about treating your partner badly.’ Unfortunately, she just kept her own counsel and he is still unaware that Helen was tried for attempted murder. He asks her if, by telling her this, he has blown his chances? “You haven’t blown it - everything’s perfect” she tells him and they kiss.

The kissing continues and Lee has a suggestion - what if, next time they meet “how about I cook for you at my flat - how does that sound?” “That sounds great” Helen replies and we have more kissing sounds. Tell you what Lee; better not to take too many chances - why not rustle up a stir fry and eat with chopsticks, leaving the knives in the drawer?

Kenton Makes Brian’s Day (Worse)

Richard Attlee (Kenton Archer)

A publican needs a lot of skills and social niceties, none of which include kicking a man when he is down. Pity nobody mentioned this to Kenton, as last week we had a classic example of how to put the boot in. At the start of the week, we learned that Brian intended to plead guilty to the charges brought by the Environment Agency. He did so and the consequence was that he was fined £120,000, including costs.

After a shock like that, a man needs a stiff drink (in Brian’s case, this meant two large scotches down The Bull - especially as Adam was buying). Kenton came over, ostensibly to offer sympathy and to commiserate, but he added to Brian’s woes by reminding him that he (Brian) had previously promised to pay for a community event to make up for polluting the environment and poisoning the Am. While we have to accept that Kenton’s memory is spot on, you cannot help thinking that it would have been more tactful and empathetic to at least wait until Brian had finished his first whisky before reminding him of his promise.

As we approach Valentine’s Day, romance figures strongly among storylines affecting a number of characters. Not Ben Archer, however, who is having difficulty attracting people - and, by ‘people’, we mean girls - to his and Ruairi’s ‘Love Sucks’ anti-Valentine’s party (sorry - ‘art event’, not party). While Ben is suffering for his Art, David is pleased, telling Rooooth that he doesn’t really want “a load of randy, frustrated, lovelorn adolescents running amok on the farm.” The pair think themselves lucky that they are too old to be slaves to their hormones.

Age appears to be a factor in Kirsty’s deliberations about whether or not to commit to moving in with Philip. She asks Roy’s opinion and he says that he never really thought of her and Philip as being that serious and he always thought that they seemed to prefer leaving separate lives. Later on in the week, Roy is visited by Lexi, who is on her way to the airport and who tells him that she still loves him. For his part, Roy says that he realises what a fantastic, unselfish thing that she is doing for Adam and Ian and they kiss before Lexi leaves.

This encounter seems to have altered Roy’s viewpoint when he next speaks to Kirsty. She is worried because, until she had her miscarriage, she didn’t know whether or not she wanted children, but now it seems she does. The potential problem is that Phil has been there, done that and has a family. Roy points out that age has nothing to do with it - his dad had Bethany when he was 61.

Roy asks Kirsty “Do you love Phil? Do you feel better when she’s with him?” The answers to both questions are ‘yes’ and Roy asks whether or not she knows whether Phil wants children and the only thing that matters is that she and Phil love each other. He continues: “Nothing else matters - you and Phil have a chance to be together, so promise me you won’t let it go.”

Well said Roy, but let’s tie up the Lexi loose end - Adam and Ian drive her to the airport and there is an emotional farewell at check-in. So emotional, in fact that Adam has to practically drag Ian back from joining Lexi airside. Ian says “That’s our future she’s taking with her”, to which Adam replies “Think how amazing it will be when she’s back for the birth.” I really hope so guys.

If age is a worrying factor for Kirsty, romance-wise, there are no such problems for Jill, it seems, when she stuns her family with the news that she has been ‘seeing’ a man. His name is Leonard and he is a widower; his wife died in Grey Gables and, ever since, he has continued to be a visitor, interacting with the residents. Jill met him when she was visiting Chris and she tells the family that she has invited him to dinner on Thursday.

The day arrives and Jill is clearly on tenterhooks - she has put on her glad rags and admonishes David when he returns home wearing his overalls. To be fair to David, he has been rescuing a ram from a bramble thicket and only just got in. Jill has an attack of the vapours when she sees the headlights of an approaching car - is it Leonard?

Indeed it is and he is smartly attired in jacket and tie (“extremely dapper” is Rooooth’s verdict later) and it turns out that he is - how can I put this charitably? - about as interesting as a black and white TV test card. No, let’s not call a spade a manually-operated earth inverting horticultural implement - he’s bloody boring. So boring, in fact, that people probably prefer to watch programmes about Brexit, rather than talk to him. David cannot stand being alone with him and brings out a coffee cup, joining Jill and Rooooth in the kitchen. He is immediately told off by Jill, who goes back and joins Leonard. David and Rooooth talk and cannot see what Jill sees in Leonard, but they are surprised when they hear the pair laughing in the next room - what can they be up to?

There was an embarrassing moment earlier, when Leonard asks David a question about the house. David waxes lyrical about the farm and the changes that have been made and he hopes that Phil (his father, not Kirsty’s paramour) is looking down with approval.

Belatedly, David realises that this is less than tactful and he is covered in confusion. Jill says, pointedly, that Leonard was asking about the age of the house and, significantly, adds that she too hopes that Phil would be happy about what he sees from up above.

One person we haven’t mentioned as being present at the dinner was Pip. Earlier in the week, she told Toby that he had agreed to look after Rosie while she went to a meeting. He protests that he is due to do a shift at The Bull and Pip tells him tough - deal with it. Toby does so as only he can - ie badly - and Pip returns from the meeting to find Rickyard empty. With unerring accuracy, she goes to The Bull and has a go at Toby - where is their daughter? Toby replies that Rosie is being looked after in the snug by Jim and Robert and seems to be enjoying the attention. 

Toby seems unable to understand why Pip suddenly goes ballistic and she has a right go at Toby, accusing him of being unable to behave like a responsible adult. “Even when you’re around, you’re no help” she says, scathingly before taking Rosie back to Rickyard.

Next day, we learn that Pip has banned Toby from sleeping over at Rickyard, and Rex tells his brother off for letting Pip down. But Toby has a plan - he is supposed to be babysitting Rosie while Pip is at Brookfield, being bored to death by Leonard. Rex calls in at Rickyard and nearly gives Toby a heart attack, as he thought It was Pip, returning early. Rex hears the sound of a vacuum upstairs and asks who is it? Toby replies that he originally planned to tidy up the cottage, but Rosie wouldn’t sleep - then “genius struck” and he called Emma, who was grateful for the extra cash. The place is spotless, but Rex says sourly that Toby can’t buy his way back into Pip’s favour and is he going to tell Pip what he’s done?

The answer to that last question is ‘no’ and it seems that Rex might be mistaken about Pip’s reaction as, later on, Toby returns to the bungalow and smugly tells his brother that he’s there to pick up some clean PJs, adding “I’m not just back in her good books, I’m back in her bed too.” Pip, says Toby, was very impressed by the state of the cottage. “Pity it was no thanks to you” Rex retorts, but you have to - if not admire, then at least acknowledge - Toby’s self confidence, as he muses out loud whether this might be a good time to consider moving into Rickyard permanently. Rex asks if he has mentioned this to Pip and Toby says “Not yet, but if her reaction tonight is anything to go by, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.”

I sincerely hope that Pip sees through this ruse - after all, she knows surely that Toby cannot even spell ‘duster’. I reckon that she will make Toby’s life hell, unless he keeps the place spotless. I certainly hope so - it could cost him a fortune to keep the front up.

Still on the romance angle, Tom and Natasha are going strong. In fact, as Kirsty tells Roy, they seem besotted and keep finishing each others’ sentences. Natasha meets Kirsty for the first time, and is delighted when Kirsty tells her of incidents in Tom’s past, such as trashing Brian’s GM crops. Natasha suggests a double date with her and Tom, Kirsty and Phil and, while Tom is all for it, Kirsty is less keen.

I wonder about Natasha - she and Tom are planting saplings and she tells him that she knows of a man who is selling off some land, which she believes would be ideal for Bridge Farm - the agro forestry business will soon outstrip the farm. At first Tom is reluctant - after all, Bridge Farm has only recently sold off some land - but then he is won round, saying that she is right and “From now on there’s no stopping us!” I wonder what the other stakeholders in the farm might think?

Before we leave Bridge Farm, congratulations to Johnny on his graduation - Johnny is feeling the responsibility of overseeing the dairy herd, but is cheered when Alistair offers to mentor him.

We move on to Lower Loxley, where the peasants - or rather the volunteer guides - are revolting, and have nominated Bert to voice their grievances to Elizabeth. Not only are they fed up with having to field questions about the loss of the alcohol licence and the exploits of Freddie, but they haven’t had their usual post-Christmas ‘thank you’ dinner. 

Elizabeth is very short with Bert and asks him if he knows just how difficult it is to run Lower Loxley? For Bert and the other guides, it is just a part-time hobby, but for her it is a full-time job. Angrily, she tells him to go, shouting after him “And if you don’t like it, don’t bother coming back!”

Immediately, Liz bursts into tears and is sobbing in her bedroom when Jolene turns up (she invited herself to talk about trying to get the alcohol licence restored and is keeping an eye on Elizabeth on behalf of Lizzie’s siblings). Jolene is disturbed by the sight of Elizabeth crying and asks what’s wrong? Tearfully, Liz says that she can’t take it any longer - she was horrible to Bert and she’s scared; every problem is getting on top of her. “I don’t want to admit it Jolene, but I think I might have depression.” There’s no ‘might’ about it, Elizabeth, my sweet - seek help now.

Roy’s Ears Are Burning

Ian Pepperell (Roy Tucker)

You’ve got to feel sorry for Roy - he hasn’t had a lot of luck recently and last week it all got a whole heap worse. Lynda accosts him at Grey Gables to tell him about something she overheard Hilary Noakes saying in the shop about Lexi - she cannot believe it was true. Roy says that what Lexi does is nothing to do with him and Lynda is taken aback - she always thought that Roy was an exemplary father and she is shocked by his attitude; she was obviously mistaken about him.

It takes a while, but Roy cottons on to the fact that they are talking about Lexi being pregnant. Not only that, but it is assumed by everyone that he is the father and that he has turned his back on Lexi. Roy tells Lynda that, if Lexi is pregnant, it’s nothing to do with him - it’s complicated. He realises that tongues are wagging and he tries - unsuccessfully - to get in touch with Lexi. In the end, he goes round to see her and, as luck would have it, both Ian and Adam are at home. Roy storms in, asking Lexi why did she tell everyone except him about the baby? It’s all over the village.

Lexi assures him she has told no-one except for Adam and Ian and they have only told one member of family (Jennifer) and one close friend (Helen) and they are sure that neither of those would have told anyone. Roy eventually calms down and accepts that the trio are blameless before he leaves. Adam, Ian and Lexi have a council of war and they agree that they cannot have people bad mouthing Roy - the only thing for it is to come clean about the surrogacy. 

Ian and Adam are under no illusions that telling people the truth will not make their lives any easier, with Ian saying that the only thing to do is tell the truth “and brace ourselves for a tidal wave of clacking tongues.”

This they do and almost immediately find that the boot is well and truly on the other foot, as there are many in Ambridge who are not yet ready to come to terms with two men having a baby. Ian tells Helen that people in his kitchen are talking just loudly enough for him to hear and they do not approve. It gets worse for Ian when he talks to Brian, who tells him that the child is bound to be picked on when it becomes known who are the parents - children can be so cruel. Brian cheerfully tells Ian that Ruairi suffered at school and he had a mother and a father - it’s just that they were married to different people. All of this does nothing to ease Ian’s mind and we learn that two of the worst offenders are Hilary Noakes and Sabrina Braithwaite, neither of whom have speaking parts.

However, probably the worst offender is Emma Grundy, who reverts to her former, miserable self when she calls in on Jennifer and she tells Jen what people are saying under the pretext that Jen needs to know what people are saying. Jenny is taken aback and Emma goes on to say that she cannot believe that Lexi could have the baby and then give it up. Jenny points out that the baby isn’t biologically anything to do with Lexi, as the egg was donated. Kirsty, who has joined in the conversation, says that she is sure that Lexi knows what she’s doing.

Chief tongue-clacker Emma steams on regardless, saying that, if she gave birth, she would feel that the baby was hers “and most women would feel the same, wouldn’t they Kirsty?” This is particularly thoughtless, given that Kirsty had a miscarriage not so long ago. But Emma hasn’t finished, telling Jennifer that people are saying that Lexi must be doing it for the money. “How dare you!” shouts a scandalised Jennifer, and Emma is lucky that Jen doesn’t attack her with the blood-covered meat cleaver that she is holding (she is making a game pie and hasn’t been doing a Helen on Brian.) 

Kirsty suggests to Emma that she should keep her opinions to herself (”Hear, hear!” says Jenny). Emma, who sometimes exhibits all the sensitivity of a pile of house bricks, protests that it’s not her opinion; she’s just telling Jennifer what everybody is saying and the poor, misguided cow seems to expect thanks and praise for doing just that. Is it ignorance, vindictiveness, or just because she comes from Horrobin stock, do you reckon? Not before time, Emma departs and Jenny thanks Kirsty for “her timely intervention”, asking how can people be so mean spirited? Years of practice, Jen; years of practice.

Years of practice is what Alistair has got under his belt (look: it’s not easy to try and come up with things that might pass for links, I’ll have you know) and his stock is riding high after his and Phil’s panto horse‘s triumph in the half marathon. First of all, he treats Gem for an infected foot and earns the undying gratitude of Joe Grundy and he tells Joe that, after his sell-out (and I don’t mean that in a derogatory sense) to the Felpersham firm of vets, the next visit will probably be from another vet. Joe tells him that Gem wouldn’t want another vet.

Secondly, Alistair is called out to Brookfield by Johnny, when one of the Montys gets its leg caught after the herd was spooked by the barking of sheepdog Bess (no Bess - sheep are the smaller, white and woolly things; Montys are cattle that could stomp you into the ground). Alistair manages to treat the beast successfully (a broken leg would have meant having the beast put down and, presumably, some awkward questions when the other members of the Bridge Farm family began to count the numbers in the herd - although Tony might have had some arithmetical problems) but Alistair saved the day and a grateful (and relieved) Johnny thanks Alistair and says he is “amazing - Ambridge would be lost without you”.

Alistair goes to see Doug Lovell; one of the partners, and puts his case for staying as a working vet in Ambridge. In case Doug might be worried about his age (Lovell James have got a programme for Alistair that, basically, reduces Alistair’s duties to training and carrying out routine inspections) Alistair shows Doug the front page of that week’s Echo. “I appear to be looking at a photo of a pantomime horse” says a somewhat bemused Doug, to which Alistair counters that it shows how fit he is. Doug says that he sees where Alistair is coming from, but he (Doug) needs to discuss it with Don James, the other partner. Presumably Alistair told him that he doesn’t attend his customers dressed as a pantomime horse.

There is a bit of a theme running through this week’s blog - that of nosey, interfering women. Step forward Pat Archer, who quizzes daughter Helen about the evening meal she had on Monday. Sherlock Pat notices that Helen has received a number of texts from Lee - is something going on? Helen replies that she often gets texts from Kirsty, so what is Pat getting at? Pat takes the plunge and says that, when she has spoken to Lee, his conversation is, to put it mildly, limited, subject-wise. If I had £1 for every time I’ve told Pat to mind her own business in this blog, I could employ someone to take over writing it. Helen makes a caustic comment that perhaps Pat would prefer someone like her last serious relationship?

The meal with Lee was a success, although Helen felt over-dressed. Nevertheless, the evening was enjoyable and, talking to Kirsty later in the week, Helen reveals that she is fond of Lee. Kirsty asks if Helen has said anything about Rob yet and is amazed when Helen says “not yet” - she will when she feels the time is right and when she’s ready. Kirsty is worried that Lee might find out about Rob from someone else, to which Helen replies that Lee is the best thing that’s happened to her in ages and why is Kirsty putting a downer on the relationship?

When it comes to relationships, Kirsty has some soul-searching of her own to do. She is disaffected with her job at Grey Gables and would like some sort of role in the environmental sector. Boyfriend Phil has said he would support her in this and goes further, asking her to move in with him at the house he is buying in the Beechwood development. Kirsty’s dilemma is on a number of levels; first of all, she campaigned against the Beechwood plan, so how would it look if she moved in? Secondly, although she tells Helen that she loves Phil and finds him easy to be with and an all-round, lovely guy, she is worried that the relationship with Phil might go nads up and doesn’t want to jinx it. Let’s be honest, she hasn’t had a lot of luck recently, relationship-wise, has she? I’d make your mind up quickly, Kirsty, as Phil isn’t getting any younger, is he?

Brian isn’t getting younger either, but he is determined that he will have his moment of glory in court when he pleads ‘not guilty’. He tells anyone who will listen (and many who won’t) that Jenny didn’t marry a coward and he is determined to defend his good name and reputation in court (the fact that he is, in fact, culpable over the burying of toxic waste seems to have eluded him). The more the EA want to crush him, the more determined he is to resist them. Everyone to whom he talks tells him that he’s being an idiot, selfish, and putting the other members of the family (and Rooooth) in a difficult position. Brian’s answer to this could be easily summed up as ‘sod everybody else’ and he wants to go down fighting.

This attitude has meant that there aren’t many places where Brian can go without meeting someone who spits at him and crosses themselves. He takes to either annoying Adam by haunting the office at Home Farm or walking the streets and lanes of Ambridge, muttering to himself about “making a stand”. 

On one such expedition, he encounters Joe Grundy, who is taking Gem out for gentle exercise after having her hoof treated, and who gets Brian to hold Gem while he (Joe) fixes his boots - Emma helped him tie them and I wouldn’t be surprised if she had knotted them together. Joe comes over all philosophical and tells Brian that the Aldridges being driven out of their home gives him no pleasure, which is a surprise, as, earlier in the week, he was preaching to Emma about the mighty being laid low and pride coming before a fall.  Instead, Joe remembers that, when Nic died, he was angry and lashed out at everybody. The only thing that saved him was seeing the harm that he was doing to other members of the family and thank heavens he saw it before he made a dark situation worse. Says Joe: “Never mind fighting your own, selfish battles - ask yourself what is the right thing to for those you love the most?” That should be no problem for Brian, as the person he loves the most is - Brian.