Alistair Finished Just Ahead Of Phil On The Day

Michael Lumsden (Alistair Lloyd)

Sunday was the day of the Felpersham half marathon and Jim is hanging around the finish line, waiting to cheer on Alistair. The trouble is that his son doesn’t appear to be around anywhere, as he tells Brian. Jazzer comes over, trying to squeeze a few last drops of sponsorship money and he tells them that Alistair has finished the race - he was the front half of the pantomime horse that cantered past some time ago and Phil was the rear half. We learn a day or so later that Alistair raised over £700 for the children’s hospice and the total is still rising. Not only that, but he got his photograph on the front page of the Echo. Jim is proud of him, but I reckon Phil got the bum deal (in more ways than one).

Brian is only at the event because he cannot bear to be stuck in Willow Cottage; neither can Jennifer, who has nothing to clean and no more telephone lines to sever. The only thing that makes her day is when Adam tells her (in strictest confidence) about Lexi’s pregnancy. Even then, Jen is disappointed when Adam shares that Lexi wants to spend her pregnancy in Bulgaria.

The main reason for Jen’s bad mood is that Brian intends to plead ‘not guilty’ at his court hearing and force the EA to take him to trial, where he will be judged by a jury of his peers, always assuming that they can find twelve men who are adept in womanising, fathering children outside their own marriage and skilled in poisoning local watercourses - not that I am prejudging any outcome.

Jenny is definitely not happy and says that she will call an extraordinary meeting of the Farm Partnership, which gets arranged for Friday. Rooooth especially is thrilled, as she had planned to spend Burns’ Night at The Bull. Friday duly arrives and everybody turns up for the meeting, although they have no idea what it’s about. Jen reads out the charges Brian is facing and says that, should he plead not guilty and is convicted, there could be an unlimited fine and a possible custodial sentence. Should he plead guilty, the fine could be cut by one third (or one half - I tuned out).

Earlier on, in conversation with his wife, Brian says he’s not guilty “because lots of farmers buried dubious chemicals “ but Jen insists it was a criminal act. Let’s examine Brian’s argument here and extrapolate it to ‘I know I stabbed him your Honour, but I’m not guilty because there’s an awful lot of knife crime about.’ Hmm - I think it would take a jury of Brian Aldridge clones not to convict on the basis of that logic. Anyway, at the meeting Brian informs the other partners that he will be pleading not guilty.

There is a stunned silence among the meeting, broken by Adam saying “You’ve got to be kidding!” and asking what will it cost to go to court? Brian maintains that it’s not about the money, but his reputation, and the EA will have to produce hard evidence if they are to prove their case. This is greeted with scepticism by Adam, who says “so it‘s all about getting away with it?” However, there’s always one, isn’t there, as Alice says “Bravo!” We haven’t been told that she has been drinking, but that’s what the odds favour, given her past record.

Jennifer is even more appalled, saying that he would be lying under oath, to which Brian rather pompously replies “my conscience is my compass”, which is so pretentious that I thought Lynda had entered the room and was doing Brian impressions. Rooooth, who hasn’t said much, but has gasped every now and then, says “You do need to think hard about this Brian”, to which he replies that he’s thought of little else, as it’s his neck on the block.

One of the meeting (I think it was Jen) brought up the point that, should Brian go to trial and any of those at this meeting should be called as witnesses, does he expect them to commit perjury to save him? Brian’s answer would probably be ‘yes, of course’, but we’ll never know (or at least not until next week) as the week ends with Jennifer declaring “If you take our children down this road, well, I’m sorry - it would be the end, Brian - our marriage would be over.”

Well, have a good weekend Brian. Mind you, the Aldridges weren’t the only family to be sailing troubled waters, as Lizzie is causing concern among her siblings. The alarm is raised when Kenton turns up unexpectedly at Lower Loxley and finds Elizabeth in her dressing gown and the place, frankly - and even by Kenton’s standards - in a bit of a mess. She lets him in, reluctantly, and he starts questioning her - can he help with the postponed appeal to get the drinks licence restored?

Elizabeth is evasive, but eventually admits that she just couldn’t be bothered to go through with the appeal and didn’t turn up, so the whole thing has lapsed and she has to start again. She bursts into tears and says that she has made a complete mess of everything and that the licence is vital if Lower Loxley is to survive. While on the subject of Lower Loxley, whatever happened to the guy who ran the art gallery? It’s been so long since he appeared that I can’t remember his name and at this time of night, I’m not going back through previous blogs, so help me here, people, but why isn’t he noticing Elizabeth slowly falling apart?

Kenton is worried and decides to get the Archer siblings together. Now, it would take a total cynic to point out that he chose to invite Shula to the meeting that was supposed to be between him and David to discuss the money that Kenton owes his brother, so I won’t go there. Suffice it to say that David was less than impressed. Elizabeth was the only subject under discussion and Kenton says that he is worried. As the trio talk, David wonders if Elizabeth is clinically depressed and perhaps they should seek professional help. Shula confides that she went with Liz to the doctor’s and she was prescribed sleeping pills, but this is all totally confidential. It is agreed that they need to talk to Liz, but they cannot go mob-handed, so Kenton agrees to go tomorrow on behalf of them all. By the way, for the cynics amongst you, the David/Kenton loan was never mentioned at the meeting and David faces a £3.5 k bill for fixing the cooler and bulk tank.

Now let’s have a quick poll - out of David, Shula and Kenton, who would you pick to offer words of comfort, taking into account that Shula is the only one who officially knows about the sleeping tablets? Yes, me too, but they sent Kenton instead. He was doing ok until he mentioned the sleeping tablets, whereupon Elizabeth went ever so slightly ballistic and screamed at him to get out, saying that her sister had betrayed her trust. Another Archer family rift.

There was disturbing evidence that Emma might have inherited the worst aspects (and they are indeed manifold) of her mother’s character. Susan tells her daughter that she couldn’t sleep, worrying about Roy - he came in the shop, buying one-serving meals - that will be because he lives on his own, Susan - Susan was, in her usual unsubtle way, no doubt, probing Roy about Lexi’s pregnancy “and he practically told me to mind my own business.“ Wise words, Susan, but wasted, as she says “then it hit me like a thunderbolt [oh God, if only!] - it might not be Roy’s”

But what has this got to do with Emma? She has sussed out that Helen is keen on Lee. In fact they went for a country walk and she had wellies and weather-proof clothes, while he had white trainers and something like a T-shirt. Despite this obvious cultural disparity (sounds like Lynda, doesn’t it?) they end up holding hands - probably the only thing that saved the poor sod from frostbite - and Emma is pleased for Helen. The only genetic disparity between Emma and Susan is that Emma didn’t rush out and tell the village. Please God, don’t let her tell Susan, although that could get Susan sacked from the dairy. Not that I could be accused of being vindictive - not if you want to keep a full set of teeth, that is.

Not only was it an encouraging day for Helen, romance-wise, but the Montbeliarde cows arrive and, if you will forgive the metaphor, seem to be taking to Bridge Farm like ducks to water. Tom wants to call a meeting of the family, but he keeps rescheduling it because Natasha can’t make it, which begs the question when did she become a member of the family? 

In the end, she can’t make it any time, so Tom unveils their great plan for the veg boxes on his own. People nowadays, he says, want to order specific products online or on their phones, so he and Natasha are suggesting an online offering, encompassing all of Bridge Farm’s products. Oh, and by the way, it would be under the ownership of him and Natasha and not Bridge Farm.

Pat, Tony and Helen are taken aback by this, but Tony has a plan - fully costed - of his own; why not sell the Angus beef as another organic product, rather than sell off the beasts? Tom goes off to make a call (guess to whom) and Helen and the parents think that perhaps Natasha and Tom have a point, although there are reservations about the sole ownership. Helen says that the Angus beef idea could work, as they could also include the Montbeliarde bullock calves, as the breed is good for milk and beef. Tom returns and says that he was, initially, against the Angus beef idea, but he phoned Natasha and “she said Tony’s idea is compelling” so now he’s all for it. Apparently she also said that she thinks “the solution lies in the problem”, which some (me) might think she’s suspiciously like Lynda Snell.

We move on to Ben Archer who, along with Ruairi, is planning a sort of ‘anti-Valentines’ art movement, with exhibits including suspended hearts torn in half and love letters, especially written and shredded. This apparently has the approval of his college tutor (has Russ returned?) and the working title is ‘Love Sucks’ and they’d like to stage the event at Brookfield - what does Rooooth think? She says she’ll ask David, which immediately depresses Ben. However, all is not lost! Rooooth says that it’s a goer, but David wanted a 10pm curfew, which Rooooth got extended to 11pm. Considering the title of the event, it is surprising that most of the invitees are female. Or is it? I mentioned this story to a friend of mine - and I must state here that the friend is not Neil - and asked him what he thought about the concept ‘Love Sucks’? ‘Well - if you’re lucky’ was his reply.