Justin Refuses To Take The P***

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

You have to hand it to Eddie Grundy - give him an inch and he’ll ask for a mile. On Tuesday he bumps into Justin in the shop and asks him if he’s received Eddie’s messages, and when can he (Justin) let them have the number for the servicing of the Cider Club’s portable toilet? Eddie adds that it hasn’t been emptied since Justin donated it, to which Justin replies that it’s nothing to do with him and leaves.

Later on, Eddie drops in at the Dower House, delivering logs, and he brings up the subject again, suggesting that Justin could swap the toilet with one on a building site and get it emptied. Once again, Justin points out that he only donated the toilet and it’s up to Eddie to look after it. “But how are we supposed to empty it?”Eddie asks. “You’ll think of something”Justin tells him, helpfully.

And indeed he does; Thursday sees Eddie and son Ed at Grange Farm, with a borrowed slurry spreader. Ed is worried; surely it takes specialist expertise to operate one of these? Eddie is confident, saying that two talented farmers can cope with this problem. Oh, if only they had two talented farmers! The idea is to empty the toilet and pump the contents into the septic tank, so Eddie manoeuvres the tractor towards the latter and tells his son to get a strong grasp on the pipe, as he is going to start pumping. Ed yells out that the pipe needs to be nearer the tank, but Eddie presses on regardless. Emma is running towards them, excitedly, and Ed says that he needs more slack on the pipe and he cannot hold it.

The upshot is that Emma is covered with - well, is covered - “from your belly button to your toes”as Eddie describes it, with more than a note of amusement. Had I been Emma I would have been tempted to stuff the pipe down his throat, but she has some great news - she and Ed have got one of the affordable houses at the Beechwood development. Cue wild laughter and whoops of delight and Ed gives his wife a big hug, which must have been a lot of fun. We never did find out what happened to the toilet contents.

There was a moment that I felt a twinge of sympathy for Eddie as (pre-Emma’s dousing) he remarked that he asked a few others to come and help, but they cried off. This is despite there being a massive work party the day before to try and get the barn fixed before the play. Indeed, Eddie and Ed spent a lot of time fixing the roof and he laments that, when Lynda Snell wants something, people turn up in their droves, but when the Grundys ask for help, suddenly everybody is elsewhere. And I’m not surprised, if he’s going to spray them with human waste - no doubt they all realised that, this being a Grundy plan, something bad was sure to happen. 

In answer to your questions, yes the roof was fixed and, yes, the million and one Health and Safety concerns were addressed and dealt with successfully and David announced that the barn was suitable to stage the Canterbury Tales. Lynda is super happy, except for the fact that she has realised that Nathan Booth is unsuitable for the role of narrator (well, he’s never said anything) and who can she get to replace him? David wants to give his opinion and begins “Well, I - “and is interrupted by Lynda saying “Well done David!”and telling all present that David has volunteered to step up to the plate. There is wild cheering and a bemused David asks himself “How the hell did that happen?”It’s because you opened your mouth David - won’t you ever learn?

However, there is one major fly in the ointment of Lynda’s delight; when she is congratulating Roy and Kirsty on their sorting out of the props cupboard, she notices one glaring omission - the fake bottom has disappeared. Yes folks, someone has pinched the bum! (And my thanks to the Radio 4 continuity announcer who originally coined that phrase after the Sunday Omnibus).

Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all men, unless you are Brian Aldridge, that is. Mind you, he could be forgiven for harbouring murderous thoughts as, a couple of days before contracts are due to be exchanged on the farmhouse, he learns from the Estate Agent that the buyers have read the survey and want £50k knocked off the asking price. A fuming Brian (he says there is nothing in the report to justify such a reduction) is all for telling them to stuff it, but Jenny is more pragmatic, saying that they could be waiting months to get another offer and their best bet is to ask the agent if the buyers could reduce their demand. It turns out that they are willing to drop by £10k and it is agreed to exchange at the end of the week. Brian vows to remove everything he legally can from the house, including the door handles, if he can get them off.

But look on the bright side, Brian - he learns that Roy’s neighbours, the Kemps, are looking for short-term tenants for Willow Cottage and he asks Roy if he can put in a good word for him and Jenny. However, Tom also learns of the upcoming vacancy and he wants to make a bid for it. Roy mentions this to Kirsty and she is less than thrilled at the prospect. Roy says that he thought all was OK between Kirsty and Tom, to which she replies “Yes, but I wouldn’t want him as a neighbour.”Both Brian and Tom have meetings with the Kemps, who promise to decide on who will be their new tenants on Friday.

Friday arrives (this is the day of Lynda visiting the barn) and Roy, Tom and Kirsty are among those helping out. Roy’s phone rings and, because his hands are covered in oil, he asks Tom to answer it for him. It’s Brian - he’s just heard from the Kemps that he and Jenny will be the new tenants and would Tom thank Roy for the tips he gave Brian - they worked a treat and he owes him a drink.

Tom is less than pleased and Roy defends himself, saying that Brian kept asking him questions and he couldn’t refuse to answer. Kirsty also isn’t happy and, when Roy says that she said that she didn’t want Tom as a next-door neighbour, she replies “Yes, but now I’ve got Mrs Snooty Jennifer Aldridge instead.”I’d just hibernate if I were you, Roy - like so much else in your life, you just can’t win.

Brian tells Jenny that they have somewhere to live and it’s a pity that it’s only two bedrooms; one for them and one for Ruairi. “But what about Kate?”asks Jenny, alarmed. Brian’s reply to this could be summed up as ‘stuff Kate’as he points out that she has gone off to South Africa, just when they could have done with her help. Furthermore, she’s forty years old and is big enough to sort out her own living accommodation. “Failing that, she can stay in one of her precious yurts”her unsympathetic step-father concludes.

Over at Bridge Farm, Pat is getting into a state when Tom tells her that Natasha has brought over her presents for the family. Pat is taken aback by the use of the plural and it turns out that there are individual presents for everybody, including Johnny, Henry and Jack, as well as the adults. Tom asks his mother if she has Natasha’s present yet and, on receiving an affirmative reply, he says good; you can give it to her later today.

Helen returns home to find her mother standing in a sea of wrapping paper - Pat has undone all Natasha’s presents and is appalled at what she has spent - it must be at least £100. “What can we say to her?”Pat asks, wildly. “Er - thank you?”Helen suggests and asks what has Pat got for Natasha? The answer is an organic bath bomb, which cost £7.99 and is from all the family. Pat begins searching through her jewellery and comes across a bracelet, which she thinks will be suitable. Helen is mildly outraged - she bought the bracelet for her mother and it took a long time to find the charm attached to it; surely Pat can’t give it away? Just watch her Helen - Pat is delighted to have found something and begins re-wrapping the presents (let‘s hope she gets the right presents with the correct labels). “Natasha will love it”says Pat.“She’d better”, Helen mutters. I just hope to God that it hasn’t got ‘to the best Mum in the world’inscribed upon it somewhere.

Helen is slowly moving closer to Lee, who tells her that he missed his daughter’s Nativity play because his ex gave him the wrong date. “I love my kids, but I so had kids with the wrong person.” No doubt Helen is thinking ‘join the club’. He asks her what she is doing New Year’s Eve and she says she’s going to the party in The Bull. Lee says nothing, but what’s the betting he’ll be there?

Christmas is a stressful time at Lower Loxley and Lily is running herself ragged, juggling Deck the Halls and a full-blown conference. She is also chasing Glen, who isn’t a patch on Geraldine when it comes to administration and management. However, he is better than Elizabeth who, frankly, is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike. Russ also is a waste of space - he seeks out Lily to show her some sketches he has made of the falcons. Her response is to ask if there’s anything useful he can do - for example, helping in the Orangery kitchen. He is appalled - doesn’t she realise he’s an artist?

However, he does take Lizzie Christmas shopping, not to Borchester, but to much bigger and busier Felpersham. He wants to put petrol in the car and Lizzie’s offer to pay is accepted at a speed close to that of light. Lily rings her mother, who says that she is in a store and there are so many people that she cannot breathe. Lily realises that she is having a panic attack and rings Russ to get him to help.

He finds Lizzie and talks her down calmly, saying that he has faced this situation a number of times before, with students before (and during) exams. He’s very good at it. Later, back at Lower Loxley, Lily tries to thank Russ, but he’s sarcastic, saying that he’s glad he’s finally found something that he’s ‘useful’ at. He had already moaned at Lily because “I tore my life apart so that we can be together.” Bless! Is this the beginning of the end for Russ and Lily, or will they come together when Deck the Halls is all over? Will Lily ever go back to Uni? Who will buy petrol for Russ in the future? These are just a few of the questions that should be answered next year.

In the meantime, Neil and Peter wish all our loyal readers a peaceful, happy and healthy Christmas and all the best for 2019.

We hope you are still enjoying the blog and that you will continue to do so throughout the coming year. Tell your friends!

Merry Christmas!