A Narrow Escape For The French

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

The arrival of the Montbeliardes cows at Bridge Farm is imminent, but they need to be inspected in situ in France - I suppose it’s expensive to send them back if they are not up to scratch - and Helen is the one who will give them the yea or nay. For some reason, she can’t do this on her own and Johnny is unable to go for reasons I did not catch, which means that Tony is a late substitute. We have conclusive proof that the French must listen to The Archers as, when this news was broadcast, we saw the yellow, hi-viz-wearing protestors rioting in the streets. Tony’s reputation obviously precedes him.

However, our Gallic cousins can put away the petrol bombs and stop ripping up the cobbles, as it turns out that the trees ordered by Tom as part of his agro-forestry scheme are not being delivered in January, as was thought, but are instead coming this Saturday and it will be all hands to the pump. Another triumph for Tom Archer’s organisational genius. Tony tells Helen that he won’t be able to make the journey and the joyful strains of La Marseillaise were apparently audible even in Ambridge as the French celebrated.

Helen is also having second thoughts, as this will be the longest time that she will have been away from Henry and Jack and how will they cope? As the entire trip will last two days, I reckon the chances are that they won’t even notice that she’s missing. However, she voices her misgivings to karate coach Lee, but he tells her to enjoy herself and, instead of shutting herself away and ordering room service, she should go out to a café and people watch; make time for herself.

The quality of this advice should be judged by the fact that Lee says that his entire knowledge of France comes from having read the Da Vinci Code. Napoleon, Rodin, Voltaire - never heard of them. Lee does pass on some more advice, telling Helen that she should practice breathing when she is anxious, or stressed. This seems to involve breathing in and then breathing out, which doesn’t seem that difficult to take on board.

Life at the Tom/Johnny/Hannah household seems to be getting a mite crowded, as Natasha is spending nights there more frequently. Breakfast is an interesting occasion and Natasha fears she has ruined the toaster by using it for Pop Tarts. While Natasha is out of the room, Hannah takes a look at what she has in her cupboard and is horrified to find instant noodles, super-quick porridge and the like, not to mention the Pop Tarts. She tells Tom, who says that Natasha probably doesn’t have a lot of time. Hannah says that neither does she “but I’m careful about what I put into my body.” Judging on past performance, we assume that she is only talking about food here, but let’s not go there, although if we did, we wouldn’t be the first by a long chalk. Tom says that it could soon all be academic, as he is thinking of getting his own place in the near future.

By the way, in case you are wondering about the toaster, Natasha bought a new one (four slices) and left it at Bridge Farm. Tom rang Johnny, but he had trouble finding it - I suppose we should be grateful that Johnny didn’t say ‘but what does it look like?’ It didn’t really matter, as Hannah managed to repair, or de-sludge, the old toaster. Maybe Natasha could take the new one when she is invited to share Tom’s new pad.

Lily is still at Lower Loxley, picking up the slack from a still-not-well Elizabeth. Glen, the replacement for Geraldine, starts work as the new administrator, but he must think that he is working for Miss Havisham, as he never actually sees Elizabeth and is given the guided tour by Lily. Just as well really, as Lily has to wake her mother up when she falls asleep at her desk. “You didn’t bring him in here while I was asleep?” asks an alarmed Elizabeth. Lily assures her that she didn’t, although it would have been a good opportunity to say ‘and this is what we‘re up against‘.

Glen proves competent when there is a mini-crisis over the ice sculpturing - apparently, it is taking place too close to the other stalls and disgruntled stallholders are being pelted with chunks of flying ice. Glen comes up with the solution - a sheet of plastic to shield the stallholders. With thinking like that, this boy could go far - if he carries on in this vein he might even get to meet the boss one day,

While Lily is running the show, what of Russ, pining away in Manchester? He is already fed up of being alone and he says that being on his own is the reason that he is “behaving like a petulant toddler” whenever Lily rings up to say that she will be at home a few days longer. She’s already reneged on a couple of return dates and has now decided that she will not return until the start of the new term. Meanwhile, Russ is presumably slowly starving to death - on one occasion he tells Lily that he has to go, as he is doing a pasta bake and he doesn’t want it to be overcooked. This is, apparently a first in his adult life and, from the pride in his voice, you could be forgiven for thinking that he is expecting his Michelin star to be arriving any day now. I just hope that he remembered to boil the pasta before he put it in the oven.

Speaking of university, Phoebe is back from Oxford and is concerned about Lily’s absence from Manchester. She is even more concerned that dad Roy appears to have lost the will to live and is either working, rehearsing or sitting in front of the TV, watching box sets. She can tell that he is missing Lexi and she (aided and abetted by Kirsty) bullies him into going to watch the Christmas lights switch-on. He eventually goes - with, it has to be said, bad grace - and Phoebe reveals her master plan to get Lexi back. It’s simple; all Roy has to do is ask Lexi to marry him, as she will then be convinced of his commitment. Roy is taken aback and, true to form, decides not to do anything. Phoebe is good at handing out advice, as she tells Lily that she must tell Russ that she is staying on a bit longer and Phoebe does have a point, as Russ is expecting Lily to put in an appearance in an hour or so.

The Canterbury Tales saga drags on - and I mean drags. Lynda is beside herself as members of the cast keep missing rehearsals and she seems incapable of accepting that, some of them at least, might just have a life. Rex confided in Lily that it was not in the slightest enjoyable (incredibly, he thought it might be fun when he signed up - this boy has obviously never experienced a Lynda Snell Christmas extravaganza) and he is disillusioned.

It is not only absentee actors that are adding to Lynda’s stress, as David lays down about 500 things that Lynda cannot do. Among these are minor things like adding extra seating and thus blocking the fire exits and, oh yes, talking about fire, she cannot have a smoking area outside the barn - David points out, reasonably enough, that the barn is made of wood and, far from having a smoking area, the entire location is to be a non-smoking area. In fact, David gets a bit shirty, which adds to Lynda’s woes.

There is much speculation about the ‘stunt bottom’ being prepared by Fallon for The Miller’s Tale (I suggest you read the original, but I can tell you that it involves a bare bottom and a red-hot poker - and I don’t mean the plant). Apparently it is very impressive and gets a round of applause from the assembled cast. But where is the director while all this is going on? The answer is ‘having a quiet weep outside.’ Will has turned up with a few props and Lynda reveals that she overheard Jazzer saying that the whole thing was a disaster and that it is doomed to crash and burn. Will comforts Lynda and tells her that he has heard that a character will be wearing one of Nic’s old scarves and that his children are thrilled and cannot wait to see something that reminds them of their late mother. Poppy especially, who Will told Clarrie “is doing my head in over Christmas”. Apparently she doesn’t want to be in the Nativity and keeps changing her mind about what she wants.

Cheered by Will’s words, Lynda goes back into the barn, where she is surprised to see the entire cast, in costume. Not only that, but they have been rehearsing while Lynda was outside having a mope. The lights go down and she tells them that they look magnificent.

Even better, David tells Lynda that he has sorted the exits and they are now clear, plus he has also managed to add some extra seats. Lynda is overcome, while the rest of us, who have become used to the ‘it will be a disaster, why do I bother?’ storyline, only to have the thing turn into a critically-acclaimed triumph, nod our heads wisely and mutter ‘here we go again - Lynda’s chestnuts have been pulled out of the fire yet again.’

But wait! The week ends with yet another twist, as we hear David make ‘I don’t believe it’ noises and we learn that the roof has started leaking, putting the production in jeopardy one more time.