Justin Refuses To Take The P***

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

You have to hand it to Eddie Grundy - give him an inch and he’ll ask for a mile. On Tuesday he bumps into Justin in the shop and asks him if he’s received Eddie’s messages, and when can he (Justin) let them have the number for the servicing of the Cider Club’s portable toilet? Eddie adds that it hasn’t been emptied since Justin donated it, to which Justin replies that it’s nothing to do with him and leaves.

Later on, Eddie drops in at the Dower House, delivering logs, and he brings up the subject again, suggesting that Justin could swap the toilet with one on a building site and get it emptied. Once again, Justin points out that he only donated the toilet and it’s up to Eddie to look after it. “But how are we supposed to empty it?”Eddie asks. “You’ll think of something”Justin tells him, helpfully.

And indeed he does; Thursday sees Eddie and son Ed at Grange Farm, with a borrowed slurry spreader. Ed is worried; surely it takes specialist expertise to operate one of these? Eddie is confident, saying that two talented farmers can cope with this problem. Oh, if only they had two talented farmers! The idea is to empty the toilet and pump the contents into the septic tank, so Eddie manoeuvres the tractor towards the latter and tells his son to get a strong grasp on the pipe, as he is going to start pumping. Ed yells out that the pipe needs to be nearer the tank, but Eddie presses on regardless. Emma is running towards them, excitedly, and Ed says that he needs more slack on the pipe and he cannot hold it.

The upshot is that Emma is covered with - well, is covered - “from your belly button to your toes”as Eddie describes it, with more than a note of amusement. Had I been Emma I would have been tempted to stuff the pipe down his throat, but she has some great news - she and Ed have got one of the affordable houses at the Beechwood development. Cue wild laughter and whoops of delight and Ed gives his wife a big hug, which must have been a lot of fun. We never did find out what happened to the toilet contents.

There was a moment that I felt a twinge of sympathy for Eddie as (pre-Emma’s dousing) he remarked that he asked a few others to come and help, but they cried off. This is despite there being a massive work party the day before to try and get the barn fixed before the play. Indeed, Eddie and Ed spent a lot of time fixing the roof and he laments that, when Lynda Snell wants something, people turn up in their droves, but when the Grundys ask for help, suddenly everybody is elsewhere. And I’m not surprised, if he’s going to spray them with human waste - no doubt they all realised that, this being a Grundy plan, something bad was sure to happen. 

In answer to your questions, yes the roof was fixed and, yes, the million and one Health and Safety concerns were addressed and dealt with successfully and David announced that the barn was suitable to stage the Canterbury Tales. Lynda is super happy, except for the fact that she has realised that Nathan Booth is unsuitable for the role of narrator (well, he’s never said anything) and who can she get to replace him? David wants to give his opinion and begins “Well, I - “and is interrupted by Lynda saying “Well done David!”and telling all present that David has volunteered to step up to the plate. There is wild cheering and a bemused David asks himself “How the hell did that happen?”It’s because you opened your mouth David - won’t you ever learn?

However, there is one major fly in the ointment of Lynda’s delight; when she is congratulating Roy and Kirsty on their sorting out of the props cupboard, she notices one glaring omission - the fake bottom has disappeared. Yes folks, someone has pinched the bum! (And my thanks to the Radio 4 continuity announcer who originally coined that phrase after the Sunday Omnibus).

Christmas is a time of peace and goodwill to all men, unless you are Brian Aldridge, that is. Mind you, he could be forgiven for harbouring murderous thoughts as, a couple of days before contracts are due to be exchanged on the farmhouse, he learns from the Estate Agent that the buyers have read the survey and want £50k knocked off the asking price. A fuming Brian (he says there is nothing in the report to justify such a reduction) is all for telling them to stuff it, but Jenny is more pragmatic, saying that they could be waiting months to get another offer and their best bet is to ask the agent if the buyers could reduce their demand. It turns out that they are willing to drop by £10k and it is agreed to exchange at the end of the week. Brian vows to remove everything he legally can from the house, including the door handles, if he can get them off.

But look on the bright side, Brian - he learns that Roy’s neighbours, the Kemps, are looking for short-term tenants for Willow Cottage and he asks Roy if he can put in a good word for him and Jenny. However, Tom also learns of the upcoming vacancy and he wants to make a bid for it. Roy mentions this to Kirsty and she is less than thrilled at the prospect. Roy says that he thought all was OK between Kirsty and Tom, to which she replies “Yes, but I wouldn’t want him as a neighbour.”Both Brian and Tom have meetings with the Kemps, who promise to decide on who will be their new tenants on Friday.

Friday arrives (this is the day of Lynda visiting the barn) and Roy, Tom and Kirsty are among those helping out. Roy’s phone rings and, because his hands are covered in oil, he asks Tom to answer it for him. It’s Brian - he’s just heard from the Kemps that he and Jenny will be the new tenants and would Tom thank Roy for the tips he gave Brian - they worked a treat and he owes him a drink.

Tom is less than pleased and Roy defends himself, saying that Brian kept asking him questions and he couldn’t refuse to answer. Kirsty also isn’t happy and, when Roy says that she said that she didn’t want Tom as a next-door neighbour, she replies “Yes, but now I’ve got Mrs Snooty Jennifer Aldridge instead.”I’d just hibernate if I were you, Roy - like so much else in your life, you just can’t win.

Brian tells Jenny that they have somewhere to live and it’s a pity that it’s only two bedrooms; one for them and one for Ruairi. “But what about Kate?”asks Jenny, alarmed. Brian’s reply to this could be summed up as ‘stuff Kate’as he points out that she has gone off to South Africa, just when they could have done with her help. Furthermore, she’s forty years old and is big enough to sort out her own living accommodation. “Failing that, she can stay in one of her precious yurts”her unsympathetic step-father concludes.

Over at Bridge Farm, Pat is getting into a state when Tom tells her that Natasha has brought over her presents for the family. Pat is taken aback by the use of the plural and it turns out that there are individual presents for everybody, including Johnny, Henry and Jack, as well as the adults. Tom asks his mother if she has Natasha’s present yet and, on receiving an affirmative reply, he says good; you can give it to her later today.

Helen returns home to find her mother standing in a sea of wrapping paper - Pat has undone all Natasha’s presents and is appalled at what she has spent - it must be at least £100. “What can we say to her?”Pat asks, wildly. “Er - thank you?”Helen suggests and asks what has Pat got for Natasha? The answer is an organic bath bomb, which cost £7.99 and is from all the family. Pat begins searching through her jewellery and comes across a bracelet, which she thinks will be suitable. Helen is mildly outraged - she bought the bracelet for her mother and it took a long time to find the charm attached to it; surely Pat can’t give it away? Just watch her Helen - Pat is delighted to have found something and begins re-wrapping the presents (let‘s hope she gets the right presents with the correct labels). “Natasha will love it”says Pat.“She’d better”, Helen mutters. I just hope to God that it hasn’t got ‘to the best Mum in the world’inscribed upon it somewhere.

Helen is slowly moving closer to Lee, who tells her that he missed his daughter’s Nativity play because his ex gave him the wrong date. “I love my kids, but I so had kids with the wrong person.” No doubt Helen is thinking ‘join the club’. He asks her what she is doing New Year’s Eve and she says she’s going to the party in The Bull. Lee says nothing, but what’s the betting he’ll be there?

Christmas is a stressful time at Lower Loxley and Lily is running herself ragged, juggling Deck the Halls and a full-blown conference. She is also chasing Glen, who isn’t a patch on Geraldine when it comes to administration and management. However, he is better than Elizabeth who, frankly, is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike. Russ also is a waste of space - he seeks out Lily to show her some sketches he has made of the falcons. Her response is to ask if there’s anything useful he can do - for example, helping in the Orangery kitchen. He is appalled - doesn’t she realise he’s an artist?

However, he does take Lizzie Christmas shopping, not to Borchester, but to much bigger and busier Felpersham. He wants to put petrol in the car and Lizzie’s offer to pay is accepted at a speed close to that of light. Lily rings her mother, who says that she is in a store and there are so many people that she cannot breathe. Lily realises that she is having a panic attack and rings Russ to get him to help.

He finds Lizzie and talks her down calmly, saying that he has faced this situation a number of times before, with students before (and during) exams. He’s very good at it. Later, back at Lower Loxley, Lily tries to thank Russ, but he’s sarcastic, saying that he’s glad he’s finally found something that he’s ‘useful’ at. He had already moaned at Lily because “I tore my life apart so that we can be together.” Bless! Is this the beginning of the end for Russ and Lily, or will they come together when Deck the Halls is all over? Will Lily ever go back to Uni? Who will buy petrol for Russ in the future? These are just a few of the questions that should be answered next year.

In the meantime, Neil and Peter wish all our loyal readers a peaceful, happy and healthy Christmas and all the best for 2019.

We hope you are still enjoying the blog and that you will continue to do so throughout the coming year. Tell your friends!

Merry Christmas!

Guess Who’s Coming To (Christmas) Dinner?

Andonis James Anthony (Russ Jones)

I won’t keep you in suspense - the answer to the question posed in the title is Russ, who turned up unexpectedly at Lower Loxley on Lily’s birthday, having once again been disappointed when Lily said that she’d definitely be in Manchester on Wednesday, only to decide that she couldn’t possibly leave Elizabeth to look after the stately pile just yet.

Russ turned up at the door (or one of them) of Lower Loxley, bearing a bottle of wine, only to be confronted by Elizabeth, who tells him that Lily is away visiting Freddie (it’s the day of the twins’ birthday) and he’d better come in. When Lily does return, she is happy to see Russ, but bursts into tears, telling him that the visit was awful - Freddie was totally blank.

You may wonder why Elizabeth didn’t go to see her son on his birthday - Russ did. Lily tells him (and, later Jill) that there was an unexpected crisis in the office, but this was a porkie, as the truth was that Lizzie just couldn’t face seeing Freddie - she would find it too upsetting and fears that she would not be able to hold it all together. Johnny accompanied Lily on the visit.

Lily gives Russ the guided tour and he is impressed by the scale and variety of Deck the Halls. Lily takes him ice skating, and afterwards they discuss what they are doing for the Festive Season. Russ wants to return to Manchester, but Lily feels that Elizabeth still cannot be left alone and asks Russ how he feels about spending Christmas at Ambridge? “The whole family will be there” she tells him, brightly. “Will they want me?” Russ asks, to which Lily replies “Of course.” She didn’t add that most of them will probably think that Russ is Elizabeth’s boyfriend rather than Lily‘s, due to the age difference.

Later on, Lily runs into Jill at Deck the Halls and asks her if she can bring her boyfriend to the Christmas meal (it is being held at Brookfield). Jill is surprised at the mention of a boyfriend - she thinks that Lily is a lesbian, due to the rumour put around by Freddie a few months ago, but says “That would be wonderful.” Lily thanks her, but I can’t help thinking that Russ will be the star player in a game of ‘Elephant in the Room’ come Christmas Day.

Actually, perhaps they should ask themselves if they really want to eat Jill’s cooking, as she was involved in an incident involving Ben’s sheepdog Bess and a tray of Jill’s cooking. What happened was that Jill was aware of Bess hanging around the back door and, in spite of Ben’s strict instructions to the contrary, she lets the dog into the kitchen. 

Shula turns up to go to a concert with her mother and the pair go off. When they return later, they encounter an obviously-distressed Bess and a missing plate of mince pies. Jill is distraught - she forgot all about Bess - and Shula says that they need to get the stricken pooch to the vet quickly.

The vet in question is Alistair and he gives Bess something to make her sick, then activated charcoal, and suggests that she is kept at the surgery overnight. To save you suffering from anxiety, Bess makes a full recovery and Jill is full of gratitude to Alistair - so much so that she drops in on him with a gift and, wait for it, the gift is a plate of home-cooked mince pies. I hoped she’d say ‘I think Bess only licked a couple’ but she didn’t. Alistair tastes one, which, bearing in mind the effect they had on Bess, is something of a leap of faith, and declares them excellent. Jill gives him a generous sponsorship amount for his forthcoming half marathon.

The pair discuss Christmas arrangements and Alistair says that he will be spending Christmas Day with dad Jim, plus Daniel and Jazzer. For her part, Jill rhapsodises about how the whole family is coming to Brookfield and how wonderful it will be to have them all together for Rosie’s first Christmas. Belatedly, she realises that this is a tad tactless, as Alistair and Shula are separated, but Alistair says that it doesn’t matter. At least Alistair didn’t throw up.

Going back to the title of this week’s episode, it could equally be asked of Natasha’s parents. At Bridge Farm, everybody is working hard, trying to plant what appears to be a prodigious number of trees. I know you are not going to believe this, but Tony is having a moan because Natasha is there and he fears that he will be lectured about trees and agro-farming. As it happens, Natasha gets stuck in and works as hard as, and quicker than, anyone else. Not only that, but she has got Johnny and Jazzer working flat out by promising them that if they get the job finished, she’ll buy the drinks. 

Not only that, but Natasha presents Pat and Tony with an expensive hamper as a ‘thank you’ (for what, for heaven’s sake?) and a celebration of the beginning of the new agro-forestry venture. Pat praises Natasha to Tony and he says “what’s that look for?” Pat’s reply is that it looks like Natasha is going to be around for a while.

When the planting is over, Tom thanks Natasha for her efforts, only to be told “Stop talking and kiss me”, which he does, thus prompting Pat’s remark about her being around. Natasha then asks Tom if he fancies joining her at her parents’ place in Wales over the Christmas period? Tom is undecided - can he spare the time away from the farm? The following day, Tom runs into Kirsty in The Bull and he tells her about Natasha’s invitation. Kirsty asks if it‘s serious (refraining to say ‘serious enough to leave her waiting at the altar‘) and, when Tom admits that he likes Natasha, she says “Dragging your feet won’t do any good” and urges him to accept the offer. Of course, this could be a cunning ploy to rid Ambridge of Tom for a week or two. Whatever, Tom asks Natasha if the offer is still open and, if so, he’d be delighted to accept. I wonder what Natasha’s parents will make of their unexpected guest?

The reason Kirsty was in the pub was that she was waiting for Roy to join her. This goes to show what a nice person Kirsty must be, as Roy is the red-hot favourite to walk off with this year’s ‘Tony Archer trophy for Ambridge’s most miserable git’. Still, as it’s Christmas, let’s be charitable and concede that at least he has something to be miserable about, given the situation with Lexi. Tom has obviously caught the charitable bug, as, on his way out of the pub to tell Natasha the good news, he invites Roy for a drink at the pub during the week. Roy will also join Kirsty for Christmas lunch at the pub. 

Keeping to our theme about Christmas dinners, we should mention Chris, who has turned down invitations from Jill and from Pat for a meal on Christmas Day. Peggy goes to see Chris at the Laurels and demands to know what’s going on. Chris says that she wants to stay at the Laurels and doesn’t want to return to the Lodge, not ever (and who can blame her, with Hilda Ogden still roaming free?). In fact, Chris is on the edge of signing up for an assisted living flat at The Laurels.

You could excuse Peggy for being a tad annoyed at this, having made extensive alterations to the Lodge in anticipation of Chris’s return, but instead, she is concerned that Chris is losing her independence and suggests that Chris signs nothing until the new year.

Over at Home Farm, Jennifer is going slowly demented, trying to get everything packed up, ready for a move-out before the new year. She is also trying to find somewhere for the family to live. Meanwhile, Brian is helping by wandering around, asking Jennifer if she has seen his reading glasses? When she blows up at him, saying how much work she has got on, he says that don’t worry - he will take over the job of finding accommodation. He tells her not to fret; he is on it now, and furthermore, he will enlist help in his search. You will be delighted to know that Jen found his glasses. “Where were they?” he asks. “On the bedside table, where you left them” his wife replies. “Well, they weren’t there earlier.” Brian says.

At the end of the week, Jenny is still at it and Brian tells her to stop and take a break - he has made some tea. Not only that, but he will order a takeaway so she doesn’t have to cook - he’s got a heart as big as the great outdoors. How’s the house-hunting going? Apparently there are no three-bedroom properties to rent in the area and this is confirmed by Lilian, when she turns up - yes, she was the person who Brian roped in to help in his quest. It seems to me that this frantic search is unnecessary - both Peggy and Lilian have offered to put the family up, and been turned down. I accept that this is not an ideal scenario, but surely it couldn’t hurt for a few weeks, could it?

At the end of last week’s blog, we learned that the Brookfield barn’s roof is leaking, putting the staging of the Canterbury Tales in jeopardy. David tells Lynda that the leak is the last straw, as there are about a dozen Health and Safety issues that have been flagged up by the Council. Lynda protests that the barn is the perfect setting for the production and is he sure that it isn’t possible to use the barn? David replies that ambience isn’t a good enough reason to take the risk. Lynda accepts this, adding that, nevertheless, it is a crushing disappointment.

Lynda passes on this viewpoint to Ben and Lilian, despite having asked David to keep the news to himself, and they both begin bending David’s ear. He points out that the Council are not responding to his e-mails or calls and, should they go ahead and use the barn and something goes wrong, then it would be his goolies in the mangle, as the owner.

Lilian sweeps his objections aside and says that he should concentrate on getting the Council onside, then, once they know what needs to be done, they can organise a task force to carry out the work - she throws out at least half a dozen names, without having consulted anyone; doesn’t she realise that these people either have jobs to go to, or if not, they might be a little busy, getting ready for Christmas?

David gets through to the Council (the previous lack of response was due to a communications cock-up) and they give him a list of things that would have to be done to make the barn fit for purpose. He has it in his hands to say ‘sorry; it can’t be done’ but instead of which, the Muppet says that, if they set aside one day next week, it could be done. That’s right Dave, never mind the work on the farm - the show must go on. Lilian is ecstatic and says “If you can pull this off, you’ll just about make Lynda’s year.” Yes, and ruin it for the other five million of us, David…

A Narrow Escape For The French

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

The arrival of the Montbeliardes cows at Bridge Farm is imminent, but they need to be inspected in situ in France - I suppose it’s expensive to send them back if they are not up to scratch - and Helen is the one who will give them the yea or nay. For some reason, she can’t do this on her own and Johnny is unable to go for reasons I did not catch, which means that Tony is a late substitute. We have conclusive proof that the French must listen to The Archers as, when this news was broadcast, we saw the yellow, hi-viz-wearing protestors rioting in the streets. Tony’s reputation obviously precedes him.

However, our Gallic cousins can put away the petrol bombs and stop ripping up the cobbles, as it turns out that the trees ordered by Tom as part of his agro-forestry scheme are not being delivered in January, as was thought, but are instead coming this Saturday and it will be all hands to the pump. Another triumph for Tom Archer’s organisational genius. Tony tells Helen that he won’t be able to make the journey and the joyful strains of La Marseillaise were apparently audible even in Ambridge as the French celebrated.

Helen is also having second thoughts, as this will be the longest time that she will have been away from Henry and Jack and how will they cope? As the entire trip will last two days, I reckon the chances are that they won’t even notice that she’s missing. However, she voices her misgivings to karate coach Lee, but he tells her to enjoy herself and, instead of shutting herself away and ordering room service, she should go out to a café and people watch; make time for herself.

The quality of this advice should be judged by the fact that Lee says that his entire knowledge of France comes from having read the Da Vinci Code. Napoleon, Rodin, Voltaire - never heard of them. Lee does pass on some more advice, telling Helen that she should practice breathing when she is anxious, or stressed. This seems to involve breathing in and then breathing out, which doesn’t seem that difficult to take on board.

Life at the Tom/Johnny/Hannah household seems to be getting a mite crowded, as Natasha is spending nights there more frequently. Breakfast is an interesting occasion and Natasha fears she has ruined the toaster by using it for Pop Tarts. While Natasha is out of the room, Hannah takes a look at what she has in her cupboard and is horrified to find instant noodles, super-quick porridge and the like, not to mention the Pop Tarts. She tells Tom, who says that Natasha probably doesn’t have a lot of time. Hannah says that neither does she “but I’m careful about what I put into my body.” Judging on past performance, we assume that she is only talking about food here, but let’s not go there, although if we did, we wouldn’t be the first by a long chalk. Tom says that it could soon all be academic, as he is thinking of getting his own place in the near future.

By the way, in case you are wondering about the toaster, Natasha bought a new one (four slices) and left it at Bridge Farm. Tom rang Johnny, but he had trouble finding it - I suppose we should be grateful that Johnny didn’t say ‘but what does it look like?’ It didn’t really matter, as Hannah managed to repair, or de-sludge, the old toaster. Maybe Natasha could take the new one when she is invited to share Tom’s new pad.

Lily is still at Lower Loxley, picking up the slack from a still-not-well Elizabeth. Glen, the replacement for Geraldine, starts work as the new administrator, but he must think that he is working for Miss Havisham, as he never actually sees Elizabeth and is given the guided tour by Lily. Just as well really, as Lily has to wake her mother up when she falls asleep at her desk. “You didn’t bring him in here while I was asleep?” asks an alarmed Elizabeth. Lily assures her that she didn’t, although it would have been a good opportunity to say ‘and this is what we‘re up against‘.

Glen proves competent when there is a mini-crisis over the ice sculpturing - apparently, it is taking place too close to the other stalls and disgruntled stallholders are being pelted with chunks of flying ice. Glen comes up with the solution - a sheet of plastic to shield the stallholders. With thinking like that, this boy could go far - if he carries on in this vein he might even get to meet the boss one day,

While Lily is running the show, what of Russ, pining away in Manchester? He is already fed up of being alone and he says that being on his own is the reason that he is “behaving like a petulant toddler” whenever Lily rings up to say that she will be at home a few days longer. She’s already reneged on a couple of return dates and has now decided that she will not return until the start of the new term. Meanwhile, Russ is presumably slowly starving to death - on one occasion he tells Lily that he has to go, as he is doing a pasta bake and he doesn’t want it to be overcooked. This is, apparently a first in his adult life and, from the pride in his voice, you could be forgiven for thinking that he is expecting his Michelin star to be arriving any day now. I just hope that he remembered to boil the pasta before he put it in the oven.

Speaking of university, Phoebe is back from Oxford and is concerned about Lily’s absence from Manchester. She is even more concerned that dad Roy appears to have lost the will to live and is either working, rehearsing or sitting in front of the TV, watching box sets. She can tell that he is missing Lexi and she (aided and abetted by Kirsty) bullies him into going to watch the Christmas lights switch-on. He eventually goes - with, it has to be said, bad grace - and Phoebe reveals her master plan to get Lexi back. It’s simple; all Roy has to do is ask Lexi to marry him, as she will then be convinced of his commitment. Roy is taken aback and, true to form, decides not to do anything. Phoebe is good at handing out advice, as she tells Lily that she must tell Russ that she is staying on a bit longer and Phoebe does have a point, as Russ is expecting Lily to put in an appearance in an hour or so.

The Canterbury Tales saga drags on - and I mean drags. Lynda is beside herself as members of the cast keep missing rehearsals and she seems incapable of accepting that, some of them at least, might just have a life. Rex confided in Lily that it was not in the slightest enjoyable (incredibly, he thought it might be fun when he signed up - this boy has obviously never experienced a Lynda Snell Christmas extravaganza) and he is disillusioned.

It is not only absentee actors that are adding to Lynda’s stress, as David lays down about 500 things that Lynda cannot do. Among these are minor things like adding extra seating and thus blocking the fire exits and, oh yes, talking about fire, she cannot have a smoking area outside the barn - David points out, reasonably enough, that the barn is made of wood and, far from having a smoking area, the entire location is to be a non-smoking area. In fact, David gets a bit shirty, which adds to Lynda’s woes.

There is much speculation about the ‘stunt bottom’ being prepared by Fallon for The Miller’s Tale (I suggest you read the original, but I can tell you that it involves a bare bottom and a red-hot poker - and I don’t mean the plant). Apparently it is very impressive and gets a round of applause from the assembled cast. But where is the director while all this is going on? The answer is ‘having a quiet weep outside.’ Will has turned up with a few props and Lynda reveals that she overheard Jazzer saying that the whole thing was a disaster and that it is doomed to crash and burn. Will comforts Lynda and tells her that he has heard that a character will be wearing one of Nic’s old scarves and that his children are thrilled and cannot wait to see something that reminds them of their late mother. Poppy especially, who Will told Clarrie “is doing my head in over Christmas”. Apparently she doesn’t want to be in the Nativity and keeps changing her mind about what she wants.

Cheered by Will’s words, Lynda goes back into the barn, where she is surprised to see the entire cast, in costume. Not only that, but they have been rehearsing while Lynda was outside having a mope. The lights go down and she tells them that they look magnificent.

Even better, David tells Lynda that he has sorted the exits and they are now clear, plus he has also managed to add some extra seats. Lynda is overcome, while the rest of us, who have become used to the ‘it will be a disaster, why do I bother?’ storyline, only to have the thing turn into a critically-acclaimed triumph, nod our heads wisely and mutter ‘here we go again - Lynda’s chestnuts have been pulled out of the fire yet again.’

But wait! The week ends with yet another twist, as we hear David make ‘I don’t believe it’ noises and we learn that the roof has started leaking, putting the production in jeopardy one more time.

Not Heartbroken For Very Long

Mali Harries (Natasha)

For someone whose ten-year relationship ended recently, it didn’t take Natasha long to get back into the saddle - the saddle in question being Tom Archer. Tom and dad Tony are talking and Tony remarks that Tom and Natasha seemed to be getting on well at the Nuffield Conference. “Very well, actually” Tom says smugly, prompting an “oh yes!” from Tony.

The conversation turns to the topic of the respective merits of compost versus woodchip (I can hardly stand the excitement). Tony is in favour of the former, while Tom reveals that Natasha is pro-woodchip. Furthermore, Tony can debate the subject with Natasha tomorrow, as Pat has invited her to dinner.

Now, if you had to choose a fellow diner from among the inhabitants of Ambridge for an evening of conviviality and sparkling repartee, I submit that the name of Tony Archer would not spring to mind. In fact, he’d be beaten into last place by Joe Grundy. In short, Tony should change his surname to ‘misanthrope’, or possibly, ‘miserable old sod.’ Pat tries to persuade him to have a bath and change his clothes, but Tony cannot see why, as Christmas is still three weeks away. “I hate having dinner guests” Tony whines.

Dinner is - and I know you will be gobsmacked to learn this - not a great success, with Tony ready to pick a fight with Natasha over the compost/woodchip situation. As he told Tom earlier, what does Natasha know about farming? Tom replies that her business involves trees, which is what we are talking about. 

At the dinner table, Tom drops the not-really-a-bombshell that he is going to stop bothering with Kefir. Tony suspects the hand of Natasha in this and becomes even more morose, if such a thing were possible. Pat wonders what about Susan - being promoted to the post of Kefir supremo meant a lot to her, not to mention the pay rise. The fact that the stuff isn’t selling and that nobody likes it doesn’t seem to matter much to Pat. Nevertheless, she is determined that the dinner should go smoothly and she drags the increasingly-disgruntled Tony into the kitchen. He immediately begins moaning because Natasha didn’t eat much food (she doesn’t like cinnamon). Pat says, through clenched teeth, that all she wanted was a nice dinner. Natasha gives Pat a present before she and Tom leave for some do or other - it’s a box of cosmetics and Natasha puts the make-up on Pat. Tony comes back and says “Your eyes look amazing. She may not know much about farming, but she knows about cosmetics.” Too little, too late, Tony you old crawler.

The Tom/Natasha relationship is galloping ahead and he gives her a guided tour of the house. Natasha wonders whether Hannah does most of the cleaning, cooking etc. but Tom says on the contrary, she’s the most untidy of all three of them. Hannah overhears this and comes into the kitchen to meet Natasha. Later on, while Natasha is getting something from her car, Hannah suggests to Tom that he should tell Natasha about how he and Hannah were “friends with benefits” (i.e. indulging in occasional, casual sex). Tom is appalled - how can he break news like that? Hannah says just think how much worse it would be if Natasha were to find out the true facts later on.

After thinking about it, Tom is convinced that Hannah is right and tells Natasha right away. She takes it very calmly and commends Tom for his honesty, before asking if Tom and Hannah are all over? Tom assures her this is the case and the pair kiss. The next day, Tom tells Hannah that he took her advice and that he and Natasha have broken up over it. Hannah seems hopeful, but Tom bursts out laughing and says that he was only joking and thanks for the advice. And oh yes, Natasha might be stopping over tonight.

Things go better for Hannah at work - Neil returns and takes her to task for sending under-weight loads of pigs to the abattoir. She explains that she did it because it made financial sense to minimise the amount of expensive food needed and Neil, albeit reluctantly, concedes that she has a point. His mood is not improved when Justin drops in to Berrow and begins singing Hannah’s praises and doesn’t Neil agree that she deserves a bonus this month?

Back at Ambridge View, Neil is moaning to Susan that he could have handled the situation better, to which she replies that he just isn’t a natural manager, unlike her. Just then, she picks up a message from Clarrie, telling her that she has heard about Tom’s plans to ditch the Kefir. Susan is distraught “My career is in jeopardy!” she wails at Neil, vowing that she is not going to give up what she calls “my management role” without a fight.

Another person who seems determined not to give up without a fight is Roy and it is Lexi that he is determined not to give up. Lynda catches him reading ‘Teach Yourself Bulgarian’ or similar and researching hotel jobs in Bulgaria. He confides that he has a cunning plan and goes off to see Lexi. His plan is that they can live and work together in Bulgaria, but Lexi torpedoes this idea - what about Phoebe and Abbie? He can’t just be a father when his daughters are on holiday. Whatever they decide, someone is going to suffer. Roy says she is giving up too easily and an offended Lexi suggests that he had better leave.

Roy seeks solace in The Bull and quickly gets slaughtered. He is joined by Hannah, who starts off by looking after him, but soon ends up equally pissed. Roy wants to go and see Lexi, but Jazzer, who has joined them in the pub and who is comparatively sober, suggests that this is not a good idea and persuades Roy to go home. Hannah can barely put one foot in front of the other and Jazzer helps her. However, she remembers that Natasha might be staying the night and decides that she doesn’t want to go home. So where can she go? “You can share my broom cupboard” says Jazzer and a drunken Hannah replies “I thought you’d never ask!”

Talking to Fallon the next day, Jazzer can’t take his eyes off his phone and an exasperated Fallon asks him what’s wrong? It turns out that, last night, Hannah went spark out the minute her head hit the pillow and Jazzer took her shoes off and he slept on the sofa. Hannah left first thing in the morning and is not taking Jazzer’s calls or texts.

Fallon advises that he cannot keep running after someone who doesn’t want him and that he should be himself. She runs into him outside the pub and he reveals that he has taken Fallon’s advice “I’m back, Fallon - the real Jazzer is back.” Lucky for Hannah that the real Jazzer didn’t return a day earlier, or else he would have removed a lot more clothing than just her shoes and the sofa would undoubtedly have remained unslept upon.

Early in the week, it looked like we were heading for another Archer family rift when Kenton and Lily met to discuss how Kenton could help to find a manager to replace Geraldine at Lower Loxley. Lily almost lets slip about Russ, but Kenton says that Elizabeth told him all about Russ. Lily talks about what a hard time Russ is having and how he cannot work, but a distinctly-unsympathetic Kenton says that Russ is a grown man and surely he can look after himself for a few days?

Lily is very surprised at Kenton’s attitude and becomes positively gobsmacked when Kenton says that Russ got exactly what he deserved for abusing his position of trust. Imagine, then, how Lily felt when her uncle let slip that he was the one who grassed Russ up to the college Principal. She tells Kenton to go, but he says they have to sort out the manager situation. Lily replies that, if he won’t go, then she will. “Now you’re being childish” says Kenton, upon which Lily exits, slamming the door behind her. Well, Kenton, I think it’s fair to say that you could possibly have handled that a bit better and I wouldn’t expect much in the way of Christmas presents from your niece.

Towards the end of the week, Kenton drives Elizabeth to see Freddie in prison, while Lily holds the fort at Lower Loxley. Rex turns up at the stately pile, expecting to pick up a taxi fare, but Lily tells him that the man went off with a colleague (and have you noticed how often that happens to Rex?). The pair start talking and Lily gets increasingly wound up, talking about the troubles she is having with the Deck the Halls stallholders and how they keep asking to deal with Elizabeth or Geraldine. Eventually Lily bursts into tears and Rex says “come here” and gives her a hug. 

Lily gets pricked by a pine needle caught in Rex’s jumper and he says that a customer had a Christmas tree in his cab and there are needles everywhere. “You’re a genius!” Lily exclaims and asks Rex if he would do her a massive favour?

This turns out to be helping her to decorate the family Christmas tree, using traditional, home-made decorations. Lily reminisces about past Christmases and they both agree that the preceding two hours were the best that either of them have enjoyed for some time. Lily says tearfully that it’s nearly eight years since Nigel died and Rex comforts her again.

Elizabeth and Kenton return and Lily is apprehensive when her mother views the tree - has she done the right thing? “It’s beautiful” Lizzie answers and calls Lily a star for all her efforts. “Well done, Lily” adds Kenton. Lily goes to the door (she has ordered a takeaway) and a tired Elizabeth tells Kenton that she is going to bed and would Kenton mind staying a while with Lily? When uncle and niece are alone, Lily receives a text. “I forgot to ring him” she mutters. “Russ?” Kenton asks and, when she replies “yes”, he apologises for the pain he caused her by shopping Russ and he suggests that she calls him now. Phew! Another Archer internecine rift avoided! What’s more, Kenton says he has lined up a replacement for Geraldine, so Lily will be back at Uni in no time.

Finally, we learn that Brian and Jennifer have received a ’reasonable’ offer on the farmhouse and are minded to accept. The buyer is representing a third party, so the question is ‘who?’ If the buyer didn’t view the property, it must presumably be someone who knows it already, so who’s your money on? Could it be Peggy, who‘ll buy it and rent it back to Brian and Jennifer, or should we be looking further afield?