Smarm Personified

Anthony Head (Robin Fairbrother)

Last week we were introduced to Robin Fairbrother and it didn’t take long to realise that he is smarm on two legs and smoother than a saucer-full of mercury. ‘Oleaginous’ was the first word that sprang to mind and I am sure that Jill would agree, as she never liked him in the past when, as a married man, he dallied with Elizabeth.

Robin got off to a bad start when he arrived late for lunch, driving up in his TVR and sounding his horn, which woke Rosie up. That’s two black marks on Jill’s scorecard and he’s not even in the house yet. She is not impressed when Robin says that he will be staying all week - I think she was hoping that he’d leave after the dessert - and he tells her that he’s looking forward to strolling down memory lane in Ambridge.

Another thing that he hasn’t got going for him is his voice, which is smooth and - no other word for it - smarmy. He makes Leslie Phillips sound like Arthur Mullard (younger readers look it up) and his manner (especially when talking to ladies) is like a parody of John Le Mesurier in Dad’s Army, with charm laid on with a shovel.

Toby suggests that his father should take a look at Rex’s pig operation, but wine dealer Robin would rather get stuck into the champagne that he has brought along to wet the baby’s head. Jill says that a cup of tea would have done as well.

The following day, Robin goes to see Elizabeth, who tells him that she is surprised he came, seeing that they parted after she flung wine in his face. That just shows how spirited She was - and is - Robin answers smoothly and talk turns to Lower Loxley wine, with Robin handing her his card.

Eventually, Robin does spend some time with his sons and is impressed with Scruff gin, especially when Toby says it is on the verge of getting big and he’s going to explore some national outlets. I don’t know how many bottles Toby makes at a session, but I doubt that there’s enough space at Hollowtree to supply Tesco’s.

Rex’s enterprise is dismissed with contempt, and Robin is particularly scathing about the fact that he is, in effect, working for Neil and is not the owner. Rex says that he has made a real connection with the people of Ambridge, but Robin says that, as far as he can see, the only thing that Rex has done right is his relationship with Anisha, who sounds a really go-ahead, capable and go-getting girl. Unfortunately for Rex, Toby inadvertently lets slip that Anisha is history and Robin’s contempt for his eldest son goes up another notch or two.

Toby, meanwhile, is the apple of his father’s eye but there is one thing that Robin is concerned about – Rosie’s name. “Rosie Archer. Sounds like a washerwoman” he tells Toby, adding that it should be ‘Rosie Fairbrother’. Toby explains that he has had a hard enough time getting the Archers to accept him and that he doesn’t want to rock the boat. Jill, he says, may look like a sweet old lady “but I’ve met less scary prop forwards.” “Maybe there’s something I can do about that” Robin muses.

He tries to engage Jill in conversation, but she rebuffs all his attempts. Robin then tries his charm on David, turning up with a very fine bottle of port. While he plies David with drink, Robin keeps stressing Toby’s better qualities, trying to convince David that Toby isn’t that bad a person. A drunken David says he’s going to bed and Robin says he’ll see himself out.

He has just ordered a taxi when Jill comes in after a night out and Robin goes into smoothness overdrive, offering Jill some port and suggesting they have a cozy chat. It’s time for Jill to tell it like it is, and she lets him have it. “Everyone else might be fooled by your charm,” she says, “but you showed me a long time ago exactly what you’re made of.” In full flow now, Jill continues: “For Pip and Rosie’s sake, I have to accept that Toby is part of my life, but I don’t have to take any of your nonsense. I can see it for what it is, and we have plenty of that on the farm already!” Taxi for Mr. Fairbrother!

Before we get on to the other main story of the week, let’s tie up a few loose ends. Lexi is missing her children and wants to go back to Bulgaria until the new school term begins. This would be September and it would mean that Adam will be even more short of pickers. Not only that, but it would mean postponing the third and final pregnancy transfer. Adam is not overjoyed, and neither is Roy, who fears that Lexi might go and never return. Have faith, Roy.

There was a death in Ambridge last week, when Nigel’s old hunter Topper popped his clogs. His passing was painful, and Shula phones Alistair, who was on call, but he didn’t respond. When he does turn up, Shula has a go at him, accusing him of being with Lavinia (he wasn’t). She calls him pathetic and says that he should get his priorities sorted, then she storms out. Alistair rings Maurice, his Gambling Anonymous mentor, and leaves a message, saying: “I really need to talk – I’ve had a relapse. It’s such a mess.”

Freddie Pargetter was upset by Topper’s death and wants him buried at Lower Loxley. Lilian and Elizabeth convince him that cremation would be better and his ashes could be scattered there. Lilian (who else?) suggests that they all go to The Bull and raise a glass in Topper’s memory. Neil and Hannah are there and Lilian gets a round in. Neil, mindful of Susan’s instructions to have a word with Justin about the affordable housing and Emma and Ed, decides to work via Lilian and he brings the subject round to the development. He doesn’t actually mention Emma, but Lilian does, saying that she’s sure Emma ticks all the boxes (local, poor, got a gobby mum). Unfortunately for Neil, Hannah returns just in time to hear this and she tells Lilian that she’ll buy her own drink, thanks very much.

Later, Hannah confronts Neil and accuses him of trying to use his influence to get his daughter a house. She describes it as ‘corruption’ (he’s Chairman of the Parish Council) and threatens an official complaint if she hears any more in the same vein. Neil protests his innocence and that he didn’t mention Emma, but Hannah is having none of it.

A day or so later, Hannah has a go at Emma for getting Neil to do her dirty work and accusing her of getting elected as a Councillor just so she could feather her own nest. Emma is mystified, but Hannah tells her “You’re not a princess and nobody owes you a castle.” “You cow!” Emma retorts, and she realises that Hannah wants one of the houses for herself. That’s none of Emma’s business, Hannah replies and walks off, muttering about ‘dirty dealings behind the scenes.’

Emma decides to have it out with Susan, but she’s wasting her time, as Susan cannot see that they have done anything wrong and this is the way that business is carried out nowadays. Just kill her Emma and then you’re halfway to inheriting Ambridge View.

And so to the big story of the week – the stag night of Harrison Burns on Friday. Early in the week, Chris chats to PCB about his past, as he is short of personal material for his Best Man’s speech. PCB is curiously reluctant to go there and he forbids Chris to ask his brother Marcus for details of his past life. Eventually, PCB explains to Chris that, when at uni, he did a variety of jobs, one of which was as a strippergram, dressed as a policeman. The Agency then decided to form a group of men, miming to Spice Girls’ songs, while dressed as the Spice Girls. PCB was Ginger Spice, complete with union jack T-shirt and sparkly shorts. By this time Chris is rolling around on the floor laughing, but Harrison tells him that he has to keep it to himself and makes him swear not to tell anybody. Chris is upset that such a rich vein of speech material is lost to him, but he – very reluctantly – agrees “to keep it zipped; even if you didn’t.”

On the night, some of the Ambridge lads are a bit wary, as a fair proportion of the revellers are policemen. Their fears are groundless, however, as the boys in blue prove to be real party animals; especially the ringleader, Kelvin. The party moves on to Lower Loxley, which is holding a beer festival, where Kelvin suddenly produces PCB’s Ginger Spice get-up and, before you can say ‘you’re nicked’ PCB is stripped, put into the dress and handcuffed to an iron gate, while the lads return to the drinking. Harrison is convinced that Chris has stitched him up, but Chris denies it.

Inside the house at Lower Loxley, Lily bursts into Freddie’s room and finds him sorting out his stash (or, “my stock” as Freddie calls it). There is an ill-tempered exchange, with Freddie having a few digs at how Lily doesn’t seem to be seeing much of Russ recently. Lily has had enough and leaves, telling her twin that she’s off to the beer festival “and I’ll probably get slaughtered”.

This appeals to Freddie and, when we next hear from him, he is getting stuck into some really strong (7% abv) ale and the speech is definitely slurred. Freddie is trying to persuade Toby to stay on and have some drinks, but Toby says that, not so long ago he could party all night, but since the baby arrived, he is knackered and he wants to go home, even though it’s barely 10pm. Freddie keeps on at him and tells him he’s got something in his bag that can help Toby keep awake. Alarmed, Toby tells him that he doesn’t want anything and for God’s sake keep the bag shut.

Chris, conscious of his Best Man role, feels that Harrison’s humiliation has lasted long enough and begs Kelvin to give him the keys to the handcuffs. He releases PCB, telling him that it wasn’t he who told Kelvin and he doesn’t know how he found out. “He’s got a great future ahead of him in the CID” PCB remarks wryly and tells Chris (who he now believes was innocent of any betrayal) that he needs a drink – fast. 

It is then that PCB notices Freddie and Toby and asks Freddie what has he got in the bag? A drunken Freddie tries to laugh it off and tells PCB it’s just a joke right? But Harrison is deadly serious and, with Kelvin as a witness, he searches the bag, turning up around 30 tablets. “Freddie Pargetter, I’m arresting you for possession of drugs, with intent to supply” PCB tells him. I don’t know if PCB then took Freddie to the Police Station, but if he did, I sincerely hope he changed out of the Ginger Spice dress first.