Double Trouble

Andonis James Anthony (Russ Jones)

When her twins were born (12/12/99 - a little early and by C-section) Elizabeth must have felt doubly blessed; not least because she was suffering from a congenital heart condition and there were concerns for her life. What a difference 18+ years make! Good job Lizzie got that heart condition sorted out, as the events of the past few weeks would probably have speeded her towards an early grave and both her children would have been responsible.

Freddie started it all by getting busted for dealing drugs and his hopes of a slap on the wrist were dashed when his case was referred to the Crown Court in September and the threat of a prison sentence now hangs over him like the sword of Damocles. Lizzie then alienated her daughter, Lily, by forgetting to enquire about her A-level results and concentrating solely on Freddie’s future. Lily promptly went awol and refused to answer her mother’s calls.

Lizzie asked Usha what was the likely result when Freddie goes to court, but she couldn’t say, although she did say that his chances aren’t being helped by his refusal to tell the police about Ellis and his part in the drug dealing. Is there anything else that might help him? A miracle would be handy but, failing that, a character reference may convince the judge that Freddie is contrite and has learned his lesson. After all, the reference that Neil wrote for Helen helped get her off attempted murder, says Usha.

A whizzo wheeze, Elizabeth thinks and, after being told that David, or any family member come to that, wouldn’t be eligible, she resolves to approach Neil. This she does and he says that, while he understands what it’s like to have someone you love under the cloud of a prison sentence (he means Susan the llama-napper, who did time a few years ago - well, she is a Horrobin and the police presumably thought she must therefore obviously be guilty of something) he doesn’t feel that he could, in all conscience, write a reference. The reasons are twofold; firstly he hardly knows Freddie and, secondly, he holds strong feelings on the subject of drug dealing and the scum that carry it out.

With Plan A having gone tits up, Elizabeth needs to find someone else. She meets with Oliver, who says that he admires the way that she is coping with the disaster that is befalling Lower Loxley and he will be only too pleased to take over bookings at Grey Gables while Elizabeth is having troubles with her drinks licence. As it is, Lizzie is having to jump through hoops for the Licensing Committee, such as installing CCTV to cover the gloomier corners of Lower Loxley’s, presumably extensive, corridors.

Oliver is keen to impress on Elizabeth how much he wants to help, saying that he will speak up for Lizzie at the upcoming Licensing meeting and: “if there’s anything that Grey Gables can do - anything at all - we’re ready and willing.” Funny you should say that, Ollie, me old mate, as Elizabeth asks him if he would write Freddie’s character reference. We swiftly learn that ‘anything at all’ means ‘anything except writing references’ as he thinks that he’s not really the right person, as he hardly ever met Freddie and doesn’t really know him. Thinking about it, that could be a distinct advantage, as if someone who knew Freddie well penned a truthful reference, then phrases like ‘wet as a Welsh weekend’, ‘away with the fairies’ and ‘tenuous grip on reality’ wouldn’t help much.

Oliver suggests that perhaps one of Freddie’s tutors at college might be more suitable. Unfortunately, it’s the summer vacation, but Elizabeth thinks that surelysomebody will be on the premises. Indeed, somebody is and Elizabeth’s request to talk to the Principal isn’t possible, as he’s away on holiday. Nevertheless, Lizzie tells the tutor about the character reference and he says that perhaps he could help “as Freddie’s and my paths have crossed on occasions.” The tutor introduces himself as Russ Jones, the Deputy Principal, but you had already guessed that, hadn’t you, gentle reader? Fortunately Russ doesn’t add that he knows Freddie because he’s bonking his twin sister, and Elizabeth eagerly accepts his offer.

Freddie, says Elizabeth, isn’t particularly academic but Russ says that he has a good imagination, is perceptive and that he will learn from this experience and become a law-abiding adult. Lizzie mentions Lily, whom Russ describes as “exceptionally gifted” (“and dynamite between the sheets” - sorry, I made that up). He would be honoured to write the reference, if Lizzie trusts him to do it. I should say so! “That’s what I like about this college - we’re like one big, happy family” says Russ, which surely makes his relationship with Lily incestuous.

Elizabeth returns to Lower Loxley in a happier frame of mind and, when Lily returns later, fresh from lunch with Phoebe, who tried to make her see sense and to go to uni on her own, leaving Russ at home, Elizabeth tells her about Russ and the reference (which he has already e-mailed and it’s a glowing endorsement). “He’s such a lovely man” Lizzie tells her daughter. “And dynamite between the sheets” replies Lily. No she doesn’t - I’m sorry. However, Lily does say that “I’m really glad you liked him mum - he’s such an amazing man. I love him and he loves me. We’re together - we’re an item. We’re in love and we’re in a relationship.” Fortunately for Elizabeth’s heart, Lily doesn’t mention that Russ is married, but you can tell from Lizzie’s tone that she’s somewhat surprised by Lily’s news.

There were mixed experiences for Tom and Helen at Bridge Farm. Firstly Helen, who is having trouble with seven-year old Henry. He’s bored with everything she suggests they do and is behaving more like a stroppy teenager. Oh yes - he wants a phone too; everyone in his class has got one. So, when Ian phones and invites Helen for lunch, she agrees, saying that an hour of grown-up conversation is exactly what she needs.

Then again, maybe not, as, after lunch, Ian announces that Borsetshire Blue has become bland recently and he is taking it off the Grey Gables menu. If Helen can get it back to its former taste and quality, he’ll reinstate it, but he has the reputation of Grey Gables to think of. Helen is devastated and she and Pat sample recent batches of the cheese - they agree that Ian was correct and Helen begins an exhaustive and forensic examination of her records to see if she can account for the deterioration in quality.

Meanwhile, Tom has received a text from Natasha, a girl who he met on his Nuffield course and who has gone on to make a great success of her Summer Orchard brand of fruit drinks. Tom invited her to Bridge Farm and the text was to say that she’ll come on Thursday. We learn that, as well as being a business whizz, Natasha is quite a looker and, when Tom introduces her to Johnny and Helen and then leads her off for a tour of the farm, Johnny tells Helen “he totally fancies her, doesn’t he?” “Totally” Helen agrees. Natasha is impressed by the shop and some aspects of Bridge Farm’s operations and she didn’t throw up when given natural flavour Kefir to taste. She promises to e-mail Tom with her thoughts in a day or two. I suspect we haven’t seen the last of Natasha and perhaps Johnny should be looking to find somewhere else to live.

I wouldn’t be surprised if PC Burns decided to kill Lynda Snell and, to be honest, no jury in the world would convict him. The woman is round Woodbine cottage every other day, asking him how things are progressing in the llama-napping investigation. The answer is “not very well” and he is hoping that she will just go away and forget about it. No chance - I reckon she has the Chief Constable on speed dial - and she keeps making threats about going over PCB’s head. Lynda even questioned Fallon and later told PCB that she felt that Fallon’s demeanour was “shifty”. Both Fallon and PCB know that Susan was the abductor, but he said that he wouldn’t grass her up.

Meanwhile, Fallon is upset, as there is already an undercurrent of bad feeling against her new husband because he arrested Freddie Pargetter and, if Freddie goes down, this will get a million times worse. Plus, PCB is taking his Sergeant’s exam next year and he could do without Lynda sticking her oar in. Fallon tells Hannah that she thinks that the person responsible should confess to Lynda - after all, no crime was committed, despite what Lynda might think. Fallon goes to see Susan and tells her that she knows that Susan kidnapped the llama and Lynda is giving PCB grief. Susan begs her not to tell anyone else and that she only did it because she was drunk. Fallon says that her husband is being harassed by Lynda and it’s time for Susan to confess to Lynda.

Susan refuses point blank - if people knew it was her, she’d never be able to live it down. She couldn’t bear the humiliation and, besides, she and Neil have ‘a certain standing in the community.’ No you don’t Susan - you work in a shop and a dairy and Neil is a man in charge of a large number of pigs. Fallon obviously feels pretty much the same and she tells Susan that, if she won’t tell Lynda, then she (Fallon) will. I look forward to that.

Jim is having a go at Alistair because he thinks that Shula is taking advantage of him - after all, it was she who ended the marriage, yet Alistair who moved out of the marital home and who seems to be taking all the blame. Alistair goes to see his soon-to-be-ex-wife and returns to Jim’s house, having got nowhere. Jim has had a talk with Jazzer and says that he’s worried about his son. Then he has an idea - what Alistair needs is a hobby, so Jim arranges for Kiki, his piano teacher, to come and give Alistair a lesson. She does so and, afterwards, Jim asks Alistair how it went. “Absolute purgatory” Alistair replies, adding that it reminded him of lessons he had in his youth, when Jim would withhold his pocket money if he didn’t practice. Jazzer suggests a drink and Alistair agrees - several big ones, he says.

Emma is still moaning about the Beechwood development and lack of affordable houses. Never mind - she’ll be able to have her say at the Parish Council meeting. No she won’t, says Neil, as an interested party, she’ll have to leave the room. Even worse, when the District Council debates the matter, Neil will have to withdraw as he too is classed as an interested party. Emma is not impressed, but maybe there is hope on the horizon, as we are reminded that Peppa Pig, the Texel ram, was awarded third prize at a show and Ed was offered £4,000 for him and he’s not fully grown yet (that’s Peppa, not Ed). If he can get a couple more like Peppa, then he and Emma will be able to afford a deposit on a Beechwood house and then perhaps Emma will stop going on about how unfair it all is. She may even be able to give up one of her myriad jobs and achieve ‘a certain standing in the community’, like her deluded mother.