Now That’s Not Something You Hear Tony Say Very Often

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

The atmosphere at Bridge Farm continues to be a bit frosty between Tom and - well, between Tom and everybody else really. The trouble is the damn post-nup agreement, which Tom is adamant that he won’t ever sign. Pat and Tony are for it, as are Helen and Johnny, and even Natasha thinks it’s an eminently sensible idea, based on good business practice, but Tom is having none of it.

Natasha tries to get a reason from Tom, but he says that he is afraid that, if the family keeps pressurising her, she will get fed up and walk out. Tom, what part of ‘I think it’s a good idea and I don’t feel in the slightest bit insulted’ are you unable to get on top of? Carry on like this and I wouldn’t blame Natasha for walking out, but it would be your fault, not the rest of the family.

On Thursday, Tom is at Bridge Farm, as monosyllabic as ever and Tony says they are one short for the quiz night at The Bull later that evening and how about it, Tom? Tom replies that he and Natasha have other plans and he leaves. He didn’t seem to notice that Natasha wasn’t included in the team in the first place. When his son has left, Tony says “I told you so” to Pat, but she says that the matter is too important and they cannot let it go.

Natasha calls Tom and tells her husband that she has a surprise for him. Over a glass of wine, Tom continues to worry about the post-nup, saying that he has been trying to rationalise why he feels the way he does. Natasha presents him with her surprise - her grandfather’s signet ring. It’s not valuable, but it has great sentimental value and she wants him to have it as a token of how she feels. “I’m in this for keeps” she says (the cynic might say ’no doubt weeping bitterly inside as the words leave her lips’ but I wouldn’t say that). Anyway, it does the trick and Tom is overwhelmed and grateful.

The result is that the pair turn up at The Bull later and join their family. Tom says that he has changed his mind and is willing to accept the post-nup agreement. “That’s great,“ Tony says and then adds the phrase referred to in the title of this week’s blog when he adds “The drinks are on me then!” Left alone, Tom says “That went well, didn’t it?” Natasha agrees, and asks Tom if he’s going to let the family know that he and Natasha are going to enter a pitch for Peggy’s £500,000 conservation prize? Tom reveals that he’s not a complete muppet when he says “There’s no big rush, is there? One step at a time.” Make the most of Tony’s rare and unexpected generosity Tom, as I suspect there will be tears and strong words when you do eventually get round to telling your dad.

While on the subject of the quiz at The Bull, this became a bone of contention between Justin and Lilian; he maintains that he hardly ever sees her nowadays as she is always there, while she is suffering from the delusion that, with Jolene away on tour and Oliver missing shifts every now and then, she is now an indispensable member of the team. This is despite the fact that she cannot work the till or give the correct change and spends ages chatting to customers. Far from being indispensable, Kenton would cheerfully pay her to stay away from the pub.

But back to the quiz. Justin turns up unexpectedly and joins the Bridge Farm team, which should have won a prize for the most appropriate name - ‘The Village Idiots’. Quizmaster Lilian won’t let him join, but Justin whips up the crowd to demand that she backs down. Thereafter, Justin heckles Lilian constantly, querying the accuracy of the questions and answers until she snaps and deducts five points from the Idiots, with threats of further sanctions if he doesn’t shut up. When Justin and Lilian meet up after the quiz, they both agree that it had been a very enjoyable night and they will try to see more of each other in the future. Justin has been trying to get Lilian to go away for her birthday but she says she is too busy. However, she suggests a party in the Flood Bar upstairs at The Bull, with no family (which will go down well). Still, even if it’s only Lilian and Justin, you’d better stock up on gin, Kenton.

I think I am very soon going to get fed up with the story about Jim and his past sufferings. Susan bangs on his door - has he forgotten that he is down to put in a shift at the Community shop? ‘Yes’ is the short answer, but Susan drags him down to said shop and sticks him behind the counter. Alan tries to buy a magazine, but Jim makes a complete cods of scanning it and becomes angry and agitated. Kindly, Alan suggests that Jim goes home and has a cup of tea and he (Alan) will cover the rest of the shift. Jim agrees.

Later on in the week, Alistair has an awkward moment with Shula, who wants to know how Jim is faring. Alistair is in a difficult position, as he cannot tell his ex-wife the secret that Jim revealed and he tells her that he knows what’s best for his father and how to handle him. Somewhat hurt, Shula sharply replies that she won’t bother Alistair or Jim again, and leaves. Poor Alistair - he has had his sister Fiona on the phone asking questions about Jim, but Alistair promised Jim that he’d tell nobody what Jim told him and Jazzer, so all he can do is utter generalisations and mouth platitudes while people think that he’s a great woos. In fact, Alistair has been researching organisations that might be able to offer Jim help and counselling, and on Friday, Alistair and Jazzer try to get Jim to at least listen to what they (or, more accurately, Alistair) have to say. Jim is very anti the whole idea of counselling - how can it help when what’s done is done and cannot be undone? Jazzer suggests a more direct approach - why doesn’t Jim go to the police and grass HJ up; the revenge might make him feel better? 

Jim is appalled at both suggestions and gets angry, forbidding Alistair or Jazzer ever to mention the subject again and he’s going to his room and doesn’t want to be disturbed. “Thanks Jazzer, that was a great help” Alistair says as his dad leaves. Jazzer apologises, saying that he should have kept his mouth shut and that he has made things worse, but they can’t give up on Jim now. Alistair agrees “But the question is where do we go from here?” To be honest, I neither know nor care much, but I hope something happens soon before I lose the will to live.

Phoebe is back, having finished her final year at Oxford, and hasn’t the slightest idea what she is going to do. She goes to tea at The Lodge, where Peggy tells her not to worry, as she will recognise the right opportunity when it arises and, when it does present itself, Phoebe should grasp it with both hands. Tell you what, Phoebe, have you got a good idea for an innovation in sustainable farming? There’s £500k up for grabs, which will give you a good leg up in life.

Phoebe has had a talk with Adam, who tells her his idea for a Soil Academy at Home Farm, where farmers and academics from all over the world will come to stare at a patch of soil/grass/herbal ley. Phoebe’s reaction is that it doesn’t sound very sexy and it needs rebranding. Adam agrees to re-think the name.

When Phoebe was at The Lodge, she remarked on how sparkling and clean everywhere looks and expressed surprise, because she knows that Kate has been given responsibility for housekeeping “and she was never very good at it.” Peggy says “Kate has her own way of doing things“ (or not, as the case might be), and she has no problems with Kate’s work. This last comment is a bit of a porky (actually, it’s more like a complete side of bacon) as Peggy got Emma in in order to give the whole house a complete deep clean. Emma, who was narked when Peggy dispensed with her services when Kate allegedly took over cleaning duties, charged Peggy twice her normal rate. Emma also had a go at Peggy because her Ambridge Conservation Trust competition is only open to members of Peggy’s family - what about everybody else who might have a brilliant idea? Why can’t they be considered for the prize? Get on with your cleaning, woman and don‘t start getting ideas above your station.

Tuesday was the day of Ben’s driving test and, with him spouting phrases like “I’ve been driving on the farm for years” and “I don’t know why they don’t just give me a licence now” you just knew that the cocky little sod was going to stuff it up. And, much to our collective delight, that’s exactly what he did, although he told Natasha that the test was postponed because the instructor was taken ill.

Ruairi, however, was not fooled for a moment and got Ben to admit that he failed - apparently the reversing round a corner wasn’t good and the hill start (“it was like a ski slope”) was a disaster. Never mind Ben; you can always drive the tractor on the farm, you smug git. If that sounds like schadenfreude, you are spot on. 

Ed is moving ever closer to the brink of something unpleasant, I fear. Early in the week, he was making a delivery and the ‘clients’ never turned up. Ed waited all night and now he has had to stash the stuff in his barn. He complained to Tim, who suggested that Ed got the location or the date wrong, but Ed is adamant. Tim helps him hide the stuff and says there will be more work later.

On Friday, Emma is driving - in fact she is stationary at a junction - when a pick-up runs into the back of the car. She didn’t recognise the person, nor did she get his number, but he became abusive and drove off without giving any details. When Ed learns of the incident from Emma, he is angry and goes to see Tim, accusing him of setting up the whole thing to get at Ed through his family. Tim denies everything and, when Ed says he wants out, Tim says that these people own them both but, if Ed can stick it out for a couple of weeks, ‘these people’ will move on to another area and the two of them will be free once again. Tim also says that he’s found out the abortive delivery was down to the clients and not Ed. Reluctantly, Ed agrees to two more weeks, but he’s not happy.

Personally, I am all in agreement with last week’s comment from our reader Caroline about the probability of Peppa Pig’s severed head being discovered under the duvet and I find I am unable to stop humming the theme tune from The Godfather. For the sake of the Grundys (and Peppa Pig too, of course) I hope we are both wrong.

Jim Reveals All At Last

John Rowe (Jim Lloyd)

Just when you thought Jim Lloyd couldn’t get any more curmudgeonly or more rude, he does exactly that. On Sunday, he returns from his trip away, looking at Roman roads, having been missing for ten days. Alistair and Jazzer wonder whether or not he will be prepared to talk about why he behaved so badly at his party and Jazzer, slipping quickly into Baldrick mode, tells Alistair to leave it to him - he has a plan to get to the truth.

This plan involves coffee and walnut cake and a bottle of sherry, both of which are favourites of Jim’s, and Jazzer plies him with both before moving the subject round to the party. This is executed with all the finesse and subtlety of a hula-dancing elephant and a furious Jim sees straight through Jazzer’s plan and angrily asks if this is an interrogation? He makes it plain that he doesn’t want to talk about it and rounds on Alistair, telling him that, if he is going to move out, then to get on with it.

Jazzer tries to stick up for Alistair and Jim then picks on him, telling the Scotsman to keep his nose out of what doesn’t concern him. An increasingly-agitated and angry Jim then goes further, saying why doesn’t Jazzer go too, and take the wretched spider with him? “Find somewhere else to live - I’ve had enough of you both. Get out of here and leave me alone!”Jim rants.

It doesn’t take long for the news to get round Ambridge (we learn incidentally that Jazz is dossing down on Fallon and PCB’s sofa, which must be a bundle of fun for them). At a meeting of the Fete committee, Lynda fills Jill and Shula in on what has happened. Jill makes some uncomplimentary remarks about Jim, but Shula is worried - the party was to some extent her idea after all, and she feels responsible. Jill advises her daughter to keep out of it, but Shula says she cannot just sit back and do nothing. A word of advice, Shula - cake and sherry doesn’t appear to work.

She knocks on Jim’s door and he tells her to sling her hook and shuts the door in her face. She tries again and he is surprised (and none too pleased) to see her standing in the garden. This time, she does get over the doorstep and tells her ex-father-in-law that they need to talk - has he any idea of the number of people that he has hurt and upset? How does he think Alistair feels? If he wants to blame somebody, he should blame Shula, as the party was largely her idea and she sent out most of the invitations. Jim has a dig at Shula about her Christian faith and what he regards as her hypocrisy. He also says how evil the world is today and how can she possibly worship a God who allows such wickedness to continue?

Obviously some of what Shula says is registering with Jim, as he latches on to the bit about the invitations, asking her if she invited a man called Harold Jayson; an elderly man in a wheelchair who was at the party. Shula remembers him, but she thinks that he invited himself. He spoke very highly of Jim and is a talented pianist, as he demonstrated on Jim’s keyboard after Jim had fled the scene. At this news, Jim goes ballistic, saying that the keyboard is spoiled and tainted. He then proceeds to do a Keith Emerson impression (don’t worry; you’re probably too young to remember The Nice) and smashes the keyboard repeatedly into the ground, ranting and sobbing. Slightly alarmed, Shula asks what’s the matter? But Jim has calmed down now and tells her that he is all right now and would she just go and leave him alone? He also tells her to forget about the incident and, please, tell no-one what happened.

Oddly enough, Shula finds it difficult to get the image of a ranting, berserk, weeping pensioner wilfully destroying an expensive musical instrument out of her mind and she goes to see Alistair to try and convince him that Jim needs help and Alistair should continue to try and talk to him. Alistair is rather busy at the moment, plus he spent a night in Jakob’s spare room and the evening was purgatory; so much so that they ended up talking about the best places to park in Felpersham and Alistair took refuge in a second bottle of Rioja. On the plus side, he has found a nice riverside flat in Borchester and is looking forward to moving out.

However, he does go to see his father, but there is no meaningful conversation, as Jim is keen to get the remains of the keyboard (hidden in a sack) to the tip. So, once again, Shula goes to see Jim - why doesn’t she just move in; after all, there will be two rooms going spare before long - and she tells him that she cannot forget what happened and begs him to talk to Alistair, as the atmosphere between them is poisonous. Jim doubts that Alistair will want to listen, but Shula warns that, if Alistair moves out, he’s not likely to want to come back. Both Jim and Alistair are stubborn and proud, Shula tells Jim - please talk to your son. “You don’t know what you are asking of me”Jim says sadly, but once again Shula begs him to talk to Alistair.

On Friday, Alistair and Jazzer are hanging round Greenacres, packing up stuff, and Jim appears and asks them if they could spare him a moment, as he owes them both an apology and an explanation for his behaviour at the party. Alistair (who is on the verge of signing up for the Borchester flat) and Jazzer accede to Jim’s request to sit down, as they can sense that he is in sombre mood and that this is an important moment.

Jim begins by saying “What I am going to tell you now I’ve never told anyone in my whole life - it’s about me as a child when I was eight years old.” Jim’s parents had nice neighbours, with a son (Harold Jayson) who was a good laugh and who used to take Jim to the cinema. One night, when HJ was babysitting Jim, he took him to his bedroom and assaulted him for the first time. “I begged him to stop, but I was only eight years old” Jim continues, tearfully. HJ also told Jim that, if he said anything about what has happened, then God would punish him, which could go a long way to explaining Jim’s rabid atheism.

At this point, Jim breaks down and goes to his room, leaving a stunned Jazzer and Alistair behind. Jazzer has a solution: “I’m going to find HJ and kill the bastard!” Alistair asks Jazz if he could give him and Jim a moment, so Jazzer goes to The Bull. Alistair enters his dad’s room, to find Jim sobbing, and he tells his father that he’s glad that Jim told them what happened. “You won’t have to face this alone any longer - I’m here for you dad - I promise.” 

I’m glad that we finally learned the truth about Jim, and it was a fine piece of acting from all those involved. Presumably Alistair will now stay at Greenacres (?) but I cannot help wondering how he will explain it all to Shula.

Another story hanging over from last week was how could Pat and Tony tactfully suggest that daughter-in-law Natasha signs a post-nup agreement, relinquishing any future claim she might have on the farm, should she go off and leave Tom (again). Pat suggested that she should handle the negotiations, as they require delicacy and tact. Ha! Tony still thinks it’s a bad idea and that Natasha will go orang-utan pooh. 

Pat invites Tom and Natasha for lunch and, as far as we can judge from the mood round the table, her idea of a diplomatic approach was along the lines of ‘sign this pre-nup, bitch, or I’ll break your fingers’ - certainly as far as Tom is concerned, as he calls it “a slap in the face” and accuses his parents of not trusting Natasha and undermining the fabric of their marriage. Natasha, however, says that she understands and doesn’t have a problem with signing an agreement - she understands that Helen and Johnny might be concerned about their stake in the farm and she believes that trust isn’t enough and that any arrangement should be based on a sound business footing. Tom, who says that he’s amazed that Natasha hasn’t walked out, does exactly that. Natasha says she can talk him round and leaves. “Well, Pat, that went well, didn’t it?” Tony asks.

Elsewhere, Ed is pleased because the man who offered £4k for Peppa Pig, the Texel ram, has now offered £5k. Should they sell, or wait till autumn, when he might be worth more? Clarrie is all for grabbing the money (which will go towards the house deposit), but then points out that Poppy looks on Peppa as one of her teddies and how can they break it to her if Peppa goes? My solution is simplicity itself: ‘Poppy, do you want a bedroom of your own and a new garden to play in?’ Assuming she says ‘yes’ then the response is ‘OK, the ram is toast - say goodbye.’ I’m just worried that, the way Ed’s luck runs, Peppa will either develop the ovine equivalent of leprosy, or similar, or will be rustled by thieves.

We are coming up to Fete time and the committee are disinterring themselves and trying to come up with novel ideas - or at least, old ideas. Fallon thinks that they should try and attract younger people (by which she means teenagers, not just those in their 50s) on to the committee. It turns out that this particular meeting is being held at Brookfield and Ben comes in to deliver a phone message. Jill asks him if he’d like to be on the committee. When he has ascertained that she is serious, his reaction (without being as specific) is that he would rather circumcise himself with a rusty spoon - his mates would never let him live it down. Lynda suggests that he could become their “Youth Adviser”, to which Ben’s reaction is to reach for the rusty spoon again.

However, Ben has the hots for a girl (Tiggy by name) at college, who is in a female - and, according to Ben’s brother Josh pretty awful - band. Ben turns up at the next Fete committee meeting, announcing that he is prepared to be their Youth Adviser and he has had an idea to attract the younger demographic. First of all, the Hollerton Silver Band will have to be axed - kids don’t want ‘oompah, oompah’ music. Bert is scandalised - what about tradition? He and Lynda will fight tooth and nail to keep the Silver Band. Never mind Ben’s idea for alternative music (guess who?) “If we lose the Silver Band, it will be over my dead body!” says an outraged Bert. Strange how a solution can suddenly present itself, isn’t it?

Pat And Tony’s Glasses Are Always Half Empty

Let's start with the Master of Misery, the Premier Purveyor of Pessimism, aka Tony Archer. On Sunday morning he is trying to persuade sisters Lilian and Jennifer to back him up in his efforts to get Peggy to give up her crazy scheme, or failing that, to give their mother a good kicking until she sees sense. "She's not thinking straight"Tony tells his siblings, but if he expects the girls to break out the pitchforks and flaming torches and march behind him, he is in for a disappointment. Jennifer's mind is firmly on her Father's Day lunch (lamb shanks, in case you were wondering) and she is lamenting the loss of her super-duper, high-tech, multi-oven kitchen at Home Farm.

Jennifer points out that Peggy can do what she likes with her own money and, when Adam turns up singing his Gran's praises (he calls her "a true visionary"), Tony's despondency plumbs new depths and he decides it's time to go. Lilian, who hasn't been invited to lunch, asks him if he fancies a pint in The Bull and he agrees. Personally, I can't think of a worse drinking companion, but I suppose Lilian could drink herself into insensibility, although that would certainly take some doing.

Tony continues to bang on, bringing up the story about Peggy's Will again (the one that never was) and he tells Lilian that he isn't going to let this go: "I'm going to do whatever it takes to change Mum's mind." If it comes to a battle of wills between Peggy and Tony, I know who my money's on and, at the end of the day, Jennifer's point about it being Peggy's money and Peggy's choice is a valid one.

On Monday, Tony is still at it; this time it is Tom's ear that is being bent. Tom and Natasha have had a great idea for a pitch for the money – plant fruit trees on every bit of spare land in Ambridge and turn it into an orchard village. Tony thinks this is a wonderful idea and pledges his support for the project – and if you believe that, then you haven't been giving this blog your attention. What actually happens is that Tony dismisses it as pie-in-the-sky and accuses his son of being starry-eyed like his Gran. One might observe that, if she's got £500,000 to put up as a prize, then Peggy hasn't done too badly for herself. Tony, however, accuses Tom of disloyalty and being selfish, while Tom suggests that Tony lacks ambition and the conversation becomes heated. When Tom reports back to Natasha, she says that they really need to get Tony onside, as a family rift won't impress Peggy (but I'm sure she will know who to blame) so Tom needs to talk to Tony again. Good luck with that, Tom. She points out that they both know that the idea has legs "and we can't just let that go, can we?"

Lilian calls round at Bridge Farm – she has been invited to The Lodge for tea and assumes that so has Tony. Except that he hasn't, which shows that Peggy still has all her senses intact. Tony reveals that he has left numerous messages for his mother, but she hasn't replied to any of them (see above about senses). Lilian wonders why she has been invited – surely Peggy doesn't expect her to put in a bid? Of course, she'd love to save the planet – "I always take a spare bag to Underwoods when I remember", she says, but she doesn't really think that this merits a £500,000 handout.

Tony says that he's sure Peggy will be in touch when she's ready "but she probably won't like what I've got to say." No matter, Tony; Peggy probably won't listen anyway. On her way out, Lilian runs into Tom and tells him that his dad is very unhappy (default mode, I reckon) and Tom should look after him and not let him get too frazzled.

This obviously has affected Tom and he asks Tony for a chat, saying that if he (Tom) doesn't enter a bid, then the money could go to Home Farm, or Brookfield. Once again Tony calls the scheme 'divisive' and says that the family doesn't need any more strife. Moreover, it could entail a lot of work that eventually comes to nothing and ends in disappointment. Tom says that he is convinced the Orchard Village is a good scheme, but he won't enter a bid for the money and he and Natasha will have to raise the capital some other way. I can just imagine how thrilled Natasha is going to be when he tells her they are turning their backs on a possible £500k.

Lilian meanwhile is having tea and cakes with Peggy, who tells her that she realises that she (Peggy) should have invited Lilian to the initial meeting (Peggy didn't think she'd be interested – I think if my mother revealed plans to give away half a million quid, I'd rather hear it from her than later from one of my siblings). Lilian admits she was hurt, but the two patch things up and Lilian begs her mother to talk to Tony as well. "I will dear," Peggy replies. "When he's ready to listen." That won't be any time soon, then.

Actually, it happened on Thursday when the pair meet at The Lodge. Tony begins by saying what an awful idea it is and that Bridge Farm won't be entering a bid. Why ever not? Because they all agree that it will only cause trouble in the family – she's pitting people against each other. He also tells his mother that she hasn't considered all the consequences. "I beg to differ" Peggy replies, sharply. He asks her to reconsider, but Peggy accuses him of being negative – nobody else has objected. He's being short-sighted, maybe selfish and, when Tony says that the £500,000 is family money anyway, Peggy says that, if he's that bothered, one way to make sure that it stays in the family is to put his thinking cap on and come up with the best bid. Meanwhile all Tony can do is bleat about how he and Pat have been pioneering sustainable farming for 30 years. Certainly Brookfield and Home Farm are entering into the spirit of Peggy's competition, as we learn when Pip and Alice are getting rat-arsed at Tom and Natasha's Cuban-themed housewarming party on Friday, but neither girl is giving away any secrets. 

 

Actually, the party was one of the only times that Tony's glass was more than half empty - he didn't want to go (yes, you could have knocked me down with a feather too) plus he had toothpaste on his shirt (how did he manage to miss his gob?) but, as the evening progressed, he was heard lauding the daiquiris made by the bartender Pepe. I suppose the fact that the drinks were free helped.

 

I know that readers paying attention will be screaming 'but the title of the blog mentions Pat's half-empty glass and we've heard nothing from her.' Patience dear readers, we will get there eventually, but first let's look at other stories.

 

Jazzer was interviewed by Adam for the job of looking after the aquaponics operation and it was obvious that Adam was desperate to employ somebody - anybody - as Jazzer's interview technique is (to put it charitably) extremely basic. There is a back story here - the latest episode in the increasingly-baffling and tedious story about the bucket list challenge is for Ian and Adam to overcome a fear. It turns out that Ian is an arachnopobe and, during the interview, Jazzer learns this and says that he can bring Webster, his tarantula, for Ian to look at. Jazz misunderstands Adam's response and turns up with said spider later.

 

Ian is in the shower and is petrified when Jazzer shows him Webster, in her travel case. Ian's arachnophobia is so intense that he cannot even bear to look at a photograph of a money spider and he knocks the case to the ground, whereupon Webster disappears, throwing Ian into a major panic, screaming to Jazzer to get Adam home - now! Eventually Webster is tracked down by Jazzer, and the arachnid is no doubt traumatised by the sight of an Irish chef standing on a chair and screaming. There is an upside to this, as Ian thinks he can now bear to risk looking at a photo of a money spider. It is at this moment that Adam informs a despondent Jazzer (who thinks he has blown his aquaponics chances) that he has actually got the job - see earlier comments about Adam being desperate. At least this will give Adam the opportunity to prepare a bid for Peggy's legacy - the aversion to risk-taking was the phobia that Adam has to master, although Jennifer says he is morbidly afraid of clowns.

 

At the party, Alice and Pip are snooping through Natasha's make-up cabinet and they appear to come across derma fillers - perhaps Natasha's stunning appearance is not just due to natural products and make-up. Nosey little minxes!

 

Bad news for Shula, as she gets a phone call from son Dan - his girlfriend Dorothy has dumped him and he's in bits. Shula tells Alistair and asks him to give Dan a call. He does so, and even calls Dorothy, who tells him that the spark has gone from the relationship as far as she is concerned. Alistair remarks to Shula that this took him back to when Shula told him that she didn't love him any longer. Jazzer's advice for Dan? "Get back in the saddle as quickly as possible." Don't you wish you had a daughter so that you could forbid her to marry Jazzer?

 

And so to Pat's half-empty glass. This happens after Tom and Natasha's party, when Tony says that he's pleased that Tom has found someone who makes him happy, but then notices that Pat looks concerned (the daiquiris must have addled his brain). What's up? Pat replies that Peggy's announcement has got her thinking - what happens if things don't work out between Tom and Natasha, after all, she left him once soon after the marriage? Tom has a stake in the business (as do they all) and it's up to them to protect that. Pat thinks Tom and Natasha should draw up a post-nuptial agreement so that the farm cannot be split up and sold in the event of a divorce. 

 

Tony says (and it's not often that I agree with him) that they will be stirring up a hornets' nest, but Pat replies "I'm convinced a post-nup agreement is the best way forward for all of us."I wonder what Natasha - and indeed Tom - might have to say about the subject? And Tony doesn't want strife in the family - I predict trouble ahead, plus strife in the more immediate family. How do you tell your daughter-in-law that, while you love her to bits, would she please mind signing this get-out agreement and promise not to sue?

 

Happy Hundredth June!

June Rosalind Spencer CBE (Peggy Woolley)

Before we recap on the week in Ambridge, we should pay tribute to actress June Spencer, who on Friday 14^thJune, celebrated her 100^thbirthday. June has been present from the first pilot episode in 1950, playing Peggy Archer, wife of Jack. Peggy was a townie from London and she and Jack ran The Bull - unfortunately, Jack was an alcoholic and Peggy struggled to bring up children Jennifer, Lilian and Tony in trying circumstances. Jack passed away and Peggy spent some years alone, before finally accepting the proposal of Jack Woolley, whom she wed in 1991. At last Peggy seemed to have found true and lasting happiness, but this ended when Jack developed dementia and later passed away. There was controversy a few years ago when Peggy announced that, in her Will, she had bypassed her three children (Tony, especially, was annoyed) and left everything to Helen and Tom. So, congratulations to June on her landmark birthday and long may she reign as the matriarch of the Archer clan!

Perhaps not surprisingly, Peggy (who is a few years younger than June - Peggy will be 95 in November) featured prominently in one of last week’s main storylines. She had arranged a meeting with selected members of the family (Jen, Brian, Pat and Tony, Adam, Alice, David and Rooooth) at the Lodge on Friday, but refused to tell them the purpose of the get together. One prominent absentee from the list of invitees was Lilian, who didn’t even know about the meeting until informed by her siblings.

Lilian feels snubbed and does her best to wangle an invite, but all her efforts are thwarted or neatly sidestepped by her mother. There is another complication too, as Peggy has been seen in the company of a tall, distinguished man who drives a 4x4 and who has visited Peggy’s home. Is this some new squeeze, Peggy’s three children wonder? Eventually Lilian can stand it no longer and, on Friday morning, she confronts her mother and says that she is coming to the meeting “if it is the last thing I do.” The wind is somewhat taken out of Lilian’s sails when Peggy replies “That’s fine dear; you’d better come in.”

When everyone is assembled (Rooooth couldn’t make it - someone had to run the farm) Peggy reveals the purpose. She was recently at Bridge Farm, helping Henry with his project, entitled ’Save our planet’ which seems a bit of a tall order for a primary school pupil, but what do I know about education nowadays? This set Peggy thinking and she realised that those gathered there today are at the heart of the nation, providing food, and she realised that they could make a real difference to the way farming is done in the future.

This is why she has called together all the heads of the family farms, as she will be offering a sum of money to whoever comes up with the best sustainable farming idea. A charitable trust (the ‘Ambridge Conservation Trust’) has been set up and Peggy will get a panel of experts to judge the various ideas. Of course, there is one question that everyone wants the answer to and it is Brian who asks “how much?” When Peggy tells them that it is £500,000, there is consternation. The 4x4 man, by the way, was a financial adviser.

Peggy says that, when she came to Ambridge from the city (she was an East End girl) it was such a joy. “And now that joy could be destroyed - like Henry, I want to save the planet.” As she tells Adam, when the meeting breaks up, it is a great privilege to be able to hand on the means to make things better and “I want to make a difference in my corner of the world - a small corner that means the world to me; here, in Ambridge.”

Adam tells his gran how proud he is of her and it is interesting to examine the reactions of some of the other attendees. Brian tells Jenny that it will be a wonderful opportunity for someone and he will bring Alice up to speed asap. “What about Kate?” Jenny asks. “What about Kate?” Brian replies. Lilian is still miffed at having been initially frozen out and she asks Adam why can’t she enter an idea, even though she’s not a farmer? Let’s be honest, any idea from Lilian would be directly related to a G&T, such as cloning lemons for mass production.

Then we come to Tony, who has been silent on the drive home. Pat asks him what he thinks and, once again, we are reminded that, as far as Tony is concerned, every silver lining has its cloud, as he tells his wife “When Mum named the family farms at the meeting, Home Farm came first - it always does.” Instead of trying to think of a scheme that could be a winner, he calls Peggy’s announcement “a grand gesture - as far as I can see, it’s the Will all over again.”

Having raced ahead in the ‘most miserable sod in Ambridge’ stakes, surely Tony can afford to be a little more optimistic? After all, it’s not as if it is just up to him and Pat (if it were, I reckon his pessimism would be more than justified). As it is, they can call on Tom and Helen for ideas - let’s face it, Tom has always been full of ideas and not all of them have been total rubbish - but now Bridge Farm has an extra trump card to play. I speak of course of the amazing Natasha; organiser of Open Farm Sunday, fruit juice queen and, as far as I can see, all-round superwoman. Ignoring the odd aberration (like marrying Tom) I wouldn’t be surprised if she is already working on a scheme to scoop the £500,000.

If Tony is a miserable sod, then he is currently being given a run for his money by Jim Lloyd, who is not only miserable, but spiteful with it. You may recall that the Prof fled his own non-party without explanation, leaving a goodly number of guests, friends, family and erstwhile colleagues and neighbours dumbfounded. This week we were no nearer to learning the reason for Jim’s sudden flight. Lynda, who has developed a recent and unlikely rapport with Jim, goes to see him and is soundly rebuffed and given the bum’s rush when she knocks on the door. Lynda has brought along copies of the speeches and tributes that the guests had prepared and is reduced to tears when Jim shoves them in the bin.

Susan quizzes Alistair about how Jim is. All to no avail, as Alistair himself doesn’t know. Also, he doesn’t want Susan poking her nose in (as if!) although, to be fair (and in this blog we do try to be fair to everyone, even nosey, interfering, rumour-mongering, gossip-spreading, snobbish, jumped-up shopkeepers with delusions of adequacy) she was concerned because Jim never turned up for his stint at the shop and there was no apology, nor explanation.

Alistair eventually gets Jim on his own and berates his father for treating Lynda badly, not to mention not fulfilling his duties as Parish Clerk and not telling anybody, plus Alistair has had Kiki on the phone, in tears because Jim cancelled a piano lesson without giving a reason. Jim says that it was because she can teach him nothing more.

As Alistair keeps pressing Jim, the Prof says “I don’t know what you want me to say” and Alistair replies “How about ‘sorry’ to Lynda, Kiki, Susan, me and Jazzer?” A testy Jim says that he doesn’t have to explain anything to anybody “For how many more times - I didn’t want the damn party!” Once again, Alistair tries, pointing out that it wasn’t a party, but a gathering of people who cared about Jim. Alistair adds that he’d never felt so humiliated, to which Jim says “not even when your gambling addiction was revealed to the whole pub, or when your wife left you because she didn’t love you any longer?” (See earlier comment about Jim being spiteful). Alistair says he’s going “before I say something I might regret.” My observation is that that was left behind quite some time ago. When Alistair returns, he tells his Dad that he’s fed up making excuses for him and that Jim is arrogant (true) and uncaring (who could argue?). Jim says that, if that’s what Alistair feels, perhaps he should find “alternative living arrangements”. “Perhaps I should” his son answers and we still don’t know why Jim abandoned his (non) party. All suggestions are welcomed (I wonder if Jim saw someone who could blackmail him for indiscretions during his uni career?)

Earlier, we referred briefly to Open Farm Sunday. Natasha had done a wonderful job organising activities for Bridge Farm, while Brookfield had resigned themselves to getting maybe half a dozen visitors, whose sat navs had led them astray. As it turned out, Brookfield was beating them off with sticks (which probably demonstrates the paucity of things to do in Ambridge on the average Sunday), while Bridge Farm attendance was disappointing. Over at Home Farm, Adam was bemoaning the lack of interest shown in his Aquaponics. Adam, it’s only fruit (or tomatoes - I lost the will to live) in water with fish swimming round. And a word of advice - if you are thinking of entering this for the £500k contest, then you’d better upgrade to Killer Whales, or Great Whites.

Have you noticed that the - shall we call them ’more senior’ - female characters are getting bigger parts recently? We have discussed Peggy’s initiatives at length (and for £500k, my proposal is being worked on - early indications indicate that it involves Kate, Susan, Jim and [insert character of your choice] plus a threshing machine - but Jill has been, if not kicking over the traces, then at least been scuffing them up a little.

We learned last week that, instead of serving teas at OFS, she was off for lunch with Leonard. As it turned out, because Brookfield got many more visitors than anticipated, David and Ben (or was it Josh?) had to go out and buy extra cake. Jill was being shown round Leonard’s home and remarked about how neat it was. The guided tour moved up to the first floor and Leonard pointed out the spare room (just opposite his). Leonard suggests that, should they ever be out late, Jill is welcome to stay over - in the spare room, of course “if you wanted.”

He tells her that he likes her a lot and she says that she likes him too. She returns to Brookfield (at 12.35 am!) to find Ben awake to let her in. He teases her, asking if she didn’t want to stay over? “Not tonight - no” Jill replies, giggling, as she goes to her room. “Go Gran!” is Ben’s reply.

Finally, we must mention the latest in the tasks set for Adam and Ian. It was set by Ruairi, but executed by Ben, who took Adam’s and Ian’s phones and sent a message to all their contacts, informing them that the new baby would be named after them. Susan fell for it hook, line and sinker and I must admit that it was a jolly jape. After the Friday meeting, Peggy asked an embarrassed Adam about the message she had received. Play along with it Adam - it could get you £500,000 and I‘m sure a boy would, in time, get used to being called Peggy.