Last week we were introduced to Mr. York, or ‘Yam Yam’ as he was known to his pupils, one of whom was Ed Grundy. We learn this through a series of misadventures and cock-ups, involving – who else? – the Grundys. At first it seems like Eddie has, at last, hit upon a sure-fire, money-making scheme – as he tells Clarrie as he phones her from the limo one evening, all he has to do is to drive a band of stag party men around a pre-planned pub crawl route.
They are having a whale of a time, says Eddie and, at the moment, are playing leapfrog in the grounds of the White Eagle. His chauffeuring duties complete, Eddie returns home, to tell a well-impressed Clarrie that, although his service was offered free to his passengers, they generously tipped him £200. But that’s not the end to it, as Eddie, when checking that nothing has been left in the limo (personally, I reckon he was hoping to find the odd misplaced wallet) finds a man asleep on the back seat. And not just any man, as it is Adrian, the bridegroom, who is deep in alcohol-induced unconsciousness and cannot be woken up. Even worse, he is getting married at 9.30 am, or some similar, God-forsaken hour.
What to do? Eddie is all for turning him out on the grass and leaving him there, but Clarrie points out that, besides being an un-Christian act, it would do bugger-all for the reputation of the fledgling limo transport service. They set off for the house of Terry Two-Phones, where they last stopped and everyone (as they thought) got out of the limo. Maybe so, or maybe not, but they cannot raise any answer from inside the house, despite (presumably) trying both of Terry Two-Phones’ two phones. The only answer is to return to Grange Farm, taking the still-comatose form of Adrian York with them.
Fast forward to breakfast, and Ed arrives to help his dad out at the market, or similar. Ed is a tad taken aback to see a middle-aged man at the breakfast table, dressed in his (Ed’s) best suit. Not only that, but his face looks familiar… Eddie comes in and tells son Ed that there has been a change of plan – there is not time for Adrian to get home and change, so Eddie has lent him Ed’s best suit. Not only that, but Adrian cannot remember the way to the hotel where the ceremony is to take place, so Eddie will drive, while Ed navigates. On the way, Ed suddenly realises who their guest is – he’s Mr York; known to the kids as ‘Yam Yam’, who taught PE at Borsetshire High. Mr York (who seems to have fully recovered) reveals that he remembers the Grundy brothers, who were known to the staff as ‘Gormless 1 and Gormless 2’
This leads to much bickering, until Eddie tells Gormless 2 to shut up and which exit does he need at the roundabout? Eventually they reach the hotel in time, and Mr. York lets it be known that he’s glad that George has finished school, as he’d hate the story to get about. Eddie replies that Mia Grundy was staying with them, and she might well have noticed Mr Y asleep in the limo (by which we infer that Eddie let him spend the night there to sleep it off) but if Mr. Y could see his way to offering a bit of an incentive, Eddie might be able to see if he could persuade Mia to keep shtum…
Mr. York eventually stumps up another £150, which must make it a very expensive Stag Night, and goes off to get hitched, no doubt trying to think up a convincing story as to why his trousers appear to have had an argument with his shoes (Yam Yam is 6’ 4” – a good three or four inches taller than Ed.) Eddie, meanwhile, is jubilant and, in a fit of generosity, offers his son £40 for his help. Not so fast, says not-so-G2; he’d hate to have to tell Mr. Y that Mia is not actually staying with them this week and it will cost Eddie £100 to buy Ed’s silence. Eddie grumbles, but hands over the money, remarking “You drive a hard bargain.” “I learned from the best” his son replies, gleefully trousering the century.
Looking back, last week was a week in which silent characters came to the fore, so to speak; we have already been introduced to Terry Two Phones and there is Kyle at Beechwood (of whom more later), plus Roy seems to have found himself a young lady online. Her name is Leyla, and Roy is a bundle of nerves as he gets ready for their first, real life date. His agitation is not lost on daughter Phoebe, who questions her father. She becomes suspicious when Roy reveals that he has never actually seen a photo of Leyla, as she is shy of appearing on social media, as is Roy.
What does she do for a living? She’s a teacher. So how come she gets time off to catch a train to Ambridge during the week? She works part time, Roy replies. Why is there zero trace of her on social media? Roy repeats the story of her shyness, but Phoebe is unconvinced and wonders if Leyla could be a ‘Catfish’ (and before you ask, no, I do not have an idea what that means, but I don’t think it’s a compliment). Roy replies that he’s a big boy now and he is very savvy about the dangers of online dating, thank you very much.
Despite his confidence, he returns home early, and alone. Not only that, but he never actually got to meet Leyla face to face. So what happened? Well, you’re not going to believe this, but, despite booking her ticket in advance, Leyla’s train was cancelled. Absolutely spot-on Roy – you are absolutely correct; I don’t believe it for one minute.
Before we move on, there appears to have been a case of alien abduction at Brookfield; Rooooth and Pip are off to market to buy some cows to expand the herd. Rooooth was looking for 25 or so beasts, but only 15 met her stringent standards. Nevertheless, David was in happy mood all morning and was even heard whistling – and no, it wasn’t the Dead March from Saul – Ben is bemused by the change in his father, describing it as “weird; but I could get used to it.”
Bearing in mind that we had a period of many months a few years ago when Ben Archer never uttered a single syllable, this – admittedly rather contrived and somewhat tenuous – link brings us to silent character number three – Kyle, a resident of Beechwood. Lee has signed up to the residents’ WhatsApp group and is distressed at some of the comments that are being posted; notably those referring to Helen and repeating the lurid press headlines concerning her trial for attempted murder of her husband, Rob. Comments along the lines of ‘is it safe for your children to play alongside Helen’s kids’? do nothing to improve Lee’s mood.
Joy tells him that she removed Kyle from the site, but another member reinstated him. By this time, Lee is just the other side of incandescent and storms out, threatening to give Kyle a piece of his mind. Helen begs him not to – she appreciates that she cannot stop people saying or thinking whatever they want, but the only way she can stay in control is by staying calm. But by this time, Lee is gone.
Joy tells Helen that she is loved and respected by friends and family, and she asks her not to be too hard on Lee – he’s only doing it because he loves Helen. Just then, Lee returns, all apologetic, because he realised that his behaviour was not what Helen wanted – in fact, he never got to Kyle’s, although all he really wanted was to punch his head in.
Helen says ‘thank you’, but she only really wants Lee to be there for her when she needs him. Joy says that she ought to be going, but isn’t it a pity that there’s no way of getting back at Kyle? Let’s pause here for reflection – Kyle sounds like a middle-aged saddo who gets his kicks by trolling people on social media, while Lee is a personal trainer, who holds a black belt in karate. Wouldn’t it be interesting if they were to meet up late one dark and moonless night for a chinwag?
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