Welcome Home (Not)

Hollie Chapman (Alice Carter)

Brian and Adam seem to be getting along a bit better nowadays, which is strange, as Adam still seems to be doing most of the work round the farm. To be fair, Brian did offer to ring up to order the oil, or gas, or something similar. Adam is particularly upbeat, as he will be having an interview of sorts with an environmentalist and it’s looking hopeful. Nevertheless, he and Brian agree not to tell Ian or Jennifer just yet.

Suddenly, all thoughts of work are banished from their minds as Alice walks in, demanding the keys to the house, as she wants to get her stuff. Brian is thunderstruck – he’s paying an arm and a leg for Alice’s rehab, so what the hell is she doing back home? Alice announces that she has walked out of rehab, as it wasn’t doing her any good and she couldn’t stand it any longer, so just give her the keys please.

She has decided that she has to leave Ambridge, as she cannot bear the thought of people talking about her in whispers and everybody just waiting for her to let them all down again. Where will she go? Alice replies that she is thinking about Bath, but Brian immediately scotches this idea – she has no money, no job and nowhere to live and she has picked one of the most expensive towns in the land; she’s living in fantasy land. Brian is being particularly nasty to his daughter (no doubt thinking of the waste of money) and his mood is made even worse when the rehab place say that they cannot discuss Alice’s case with him, as she has not given her consent. Alice says that she needs some space and leaves, while Jennifer tells Brian off and says that his remarks are not helping. 

Alice takes refuge in the churchyard, where she is shortly joined by the Reverend Alan Franks. She opens up fractionally more to him, saying that rehab was so tough that she couldn’t stand it any longer. The vicar says that he is always there for her if needed, and he has an idea that may help.

So it is that, later on, Alan calls in on Brian and Jennifer to sound them out about his idea. In a nutshell, the idea is that Alice should move in with Alan’s daughter Amy, who is a midwife in Nottingham, and whose long-term housemate has just moved out. Nottingham is far enough away from Ambridge and Amy (to whom Alan has explained the whole story) says she would be delighted to see her old friend again. As for Brian and Jennifer, they would have the security of knowing that Alice is living somewhere safe. Jenny thinks it’s an ideal solution and Brian says that it’s wonderful of Amy to offer to help. Too damn right it is – I wonder whether Amy realises just what she has taken on?

Meanwhile, over at Beechwood, all is not going well between Helen and one of her neighbours. His name is Kyle and he is using the local WhatsApp group to post nasty comments and messages about Helen’s past. This week he went into the shop and immediately began making sarcastic comments about the high prices and virtually accusing Helen of profiteering. When Helen makes some comment, he tells her that it’s a free country and he likes to speak his mind, so she had better get used to hearing what he’s got to say.

Helen is upset with herself for not standing up more for herself, and it gets worse when she and Lee go to the pub and Kyle is there, drinking a pint. Helen feels that she should stand up to Kyle and asks him why he keeps making the comments. In reply, Kyle is even more sarcastic, to the extent that Lee tells him to shut his mouth. Helen tries to calm Lee down and Kyle says that Lee should listen to Helen, as “she’s not a woman you’d want to disagree with, if you know what I mean.” Add to this that Kyle has called Helen; to her face’ “a nutjob” and “a criminal” and you get the impression that he really doesn’t like her.

In fact, Kyle says that he and his wife Sarah moved into the Beechwood development because they wanted a nice place to live and to have their children and now Helen is spoiling it for everyone. Speaking personally, not since Martyn Gibson began getting longer speaking parts, have I taken such an instant dislike to a character, and I would willingly give him a good kicking until my legs ached.

As such, I was delighted when Lee announced that he has something to tell her about Kyle which could be the answer to all their troubles. We aren’t told what it is right away, but Helen meets Kyle, who is as obnoxious as ever. It is here that he accuses Helen of spoiling his and Sarah’s enjoyment by living on the estate.

Funny that Kyle should mention enjoyment, says Helen, as his house overlooks Helen and Lee’s garden and they can see into Kyle’s spare bedroom and Lee noticed a woman visiting Kyle earlier on; a woman who certainly wasn’t Sarah. Lucky that Lee had his camera with him, and the photos have come out clear and sharp. Kyle asks is she threatening him? Not at all, Helen replies, but if Kyle doesn’t stop the nasty comments and doesn’t leaves the family in peace, she might just publish the pictures on the Group chat website “and don’t think that I haven’t got the nerve to do it” she adds, with a note of menace in her voice. Kyle goes to pieces quicker than an exploding hand grenade and says “Let’s just drop it, shall we?” The great thing is that Lee never took any photos in the first place! 

Roy’s love life – such as it is – continues to fascinate Phoebe and Kirsty. Roy still hasn’t met Leyla face to face, but Kirsty has a cunning plan; she has dug out a press cutting about some charity event, held by the school where Leyla teaches. There is a photograph of the schoolkids and three female teachers and, while the teachers are named, it doesn’t say which is which, so the great Leyla hunt continues, albeit slowly. Watch this space.

Let’s return to Alice for a moment. She goes to see Fallon to tell her that she is going to Nottingham and to say ‘goodbye’. When Fallon asks how long for, Alice is vague and noncommittal - all she will say is that Brian is driving her there and they will be leaving about four o’clock. She asks Fallon for a favour – will she keep an eye on Chris and Martha for her? Oh yes, and don’t tell Chris that she is leaving – she just wants to slip quietly away,

This puts Fallon in an awkward spot – she believes that it would be good if Alice and Chris met up, but she promised not to spill the beans about Alice’s impending exit from Ambridge. Fallon tries to drop subtle hints to Chris – far too subtle, as she eventually has to spell out in plain English that Alice is leaving and, to Fallon’s ears anyway, it sounded like she might not be coming back. Chris arrives at Brian and Jennifer’s before the 4pm deadline, but it is too late – apparently Brian couldn’t bear the sight of Jenny’s tear-stained face at the window and so he and Alice set off early and they were gone before Chris could meet and talk to his wife. Actually, I reckon that Alice was taking a chance travelling with Brian, as I wouldn’t put it past him to drive her back to rehab and dump her there (again) in order to get some value for the shedload of money that he’s paying out.

What else has been happening? You will be delighted to know that Ben Archer has been accepted for his nursing degree course and he starts in September. This will mean a parting of the ways for the dynamic duo of Ben and Ruairi, as Ruairi is banking on getting good enough results to go to university in London and, from the things he is saying, I somehow don’t think it’s the quality of the academic teaching that is the main attraction of life in the capital.

If you cast your mind back to the opening paragraph of this week’s blog, you may recall that Brian and Adam agreed not to say anything about Adam’s possible job prospects – all for the very best of motives of not upsetting Ian and Jennifer; can you imagine how Jenny would take on if both Alice and Adam were to leave Ambridge permanently?

Anyway, here we have a case of adding two and two and making five, as, although Brian and Adam are working from the best of motives, these can be misunderstood and misinterpreted. Ian has noticed that Adam is increasingly away with the fairies and often in a world of his own. On Thursday, Adam takes a call from the man to discuss the potential job. Ian remarks that Adam seemed a bit jumpy, and who was it that rang? Adam replies that it was Lee, who wants some help with the tree house.

That evening, Ian is meeting up with Helen and he asks her if Lee needs his help with the tree house? Helen is mystified – the tree house is practically finished and Lee can easily cope with the final details. Not only that, but Helen has been at home with Lee all afternoon and she never saw him make any phone call.

Ian is upset and he tells Helen that Adam is lying to him and he’s very much afraid that Adam is having an affair – after all he has form in this area, having been unfaithful before. Helen urges him to talk to Adam, which, if you think about it, is good advice, as if the two men were to talk, then the whole misunderstanding could be put right in no time at all. But Ian doesn’t know what to do – the last time this happened, he swore that, if it ever happened again, he’d walk out, but things are different now – now they have Xander to consider. What can Ian do?

♪♪ “Get me to the church on time…” ♪♪

Adrian (Greg Hobbs)

Last week we were introduced to Mr. York, or ‘Yam Yam’ as he was known to his pupils, one of whom was Ed Grundy. We learn this through a series of misadventures and cock-ups, involving – who else? – the Grundys. At first it seems like Eddie has, at last, hit upon a sure-fire, money-making scheme – as he tells Clarrie as he phones her from the limo one evening, all he has to do is to drive a band of stag party men around a pre-planned pub crawl route.

They are having a whale of a time, says Eddie and, at the moment, are playing leapfrog in the grounds of the White Eagle. His chauffeuring duties complete, Eddie returns home, to tell a well-impressed Clarrie that, although his service was offered free to his passengers, they generously tipped him £200. But that’s not the end to it, as Eddie, when checking that nothing has been left in the limo (personally, I reckon he was hoping to find the odd misplaced wallet) finds a man asleep on the back seat. And not just any man, as it is Adrian, the bridegroom, who is deep in alcohol-induced unconsciousness and cannot be woken up. Even worse, he is getting married at 9.30 am, or some similar, God-forsaken hour.

What to do? Eddie is all for turning him out on the grass and leaving him there, but Clarrie points out that, besides being an un-Christian act, it would do bugger-all for the reputation of the fledgling limo transport service. They set off for the house of Terry Two-Phones, where they last stopped and everyone (as they thought) got out of the limo. Maybe so, or maybe not, but they cannot raise any answer from inside the house, despite (presumably) trying both of Terry Two-Phones’ two phones. The only answer is to return to Grange Farm, taking the still-comatose form of Adrian York with them.

Fast forward to breakfast, and Ed arrives to help his dad out at the market, or similar. Ed is a tad taken aback to see a middle-aged man at the breakfast table, dressed in his (Ed’s) best suit. Not only that, but his face looks familiar… Eddie comes in and tells son Ed that there has been a change of plan – there is not time for Adrian to get home and change, so Eddie has lent him Ed’s best suit. Not only that, but Adrian cannot remember the way to the hotel where the ceremony is to take place, so Eddie will drive, while Ed navigates. On the way, Ed suddenly realises who their guest is – he’s Mr York; known to the kids as ‘Yam Yam’, who taught PE at Borsetshire High. Mr York (who seems to have fully recovered) reveals that he remembers the Grundy brothers, who were known to the staff as ‘Gormless 1 and Gormless 2’

This leads to much bickering, until Eddie tells Gormless 2 to shut up and which exit does he need at the roundabout? Eventually they reach the hotel in time, and Mr. York lets it be known that he’s glad that George has finished school, as he’d hate the story to get about. Eddie replies that Mia Grundy was staying with them, and she might well have noticed Mr Y asleep in the limo (by which we infer that Eddie let him spend the night there to sleep it off) but if Mr. Y could see his way to offering a bit of an incentive, Eddie might be able to see if he could persuade Mia to keep shtum…

Mr. York eventually stumps up another £150, which must make it a very expensive Stag Night, and goes off to get hitched, no doubt trying to think up a convincing story as to why his trousers appear to have had an argument with his shoes (Yam Yam is 6’ 4” – a good three or four inches taller than Ed.) Eddie, meanwhile, is jubilant and, in a fit of generosity, offers his son £40 for his help. Not so fast, says not-so-G2; he’d hate to have to tell Mr. Y that Mia is not actually staying with them this week and it will cost Eddie £100 to buy Ed’s silence. Eddie grumbles, but hands over the money, remarking “You drive a hard bargain.” “I learned from the best” his son replies, gleefully trousering the century.

Looking back, last week was a week in which silent characters came to the fore, so to speak; we have already been introduced to Terry Two Phones and there is Kyle at Beechwood (of whom more later), plus Roy seems to have found himself a young lady online. Her name is Leyla, and Roy is a bundle of nerves as he gets ready for their first, real life date. His agitation is not lost on daughter Phoebe, who questions her father. She becomes suspicious when Roy reveals that he has never actually seen a photo of Leyla, as she is shy of appearing on social media, as is Roy.

What does she do for a living? She’s a teacher. So how come she gets time off to catch a train to Ambridge during the week? She works part time, Roy replies. Why is there zero trace of her on social media? Roy repeats the story of her shyness, but Phoebe is unconvinced and wonders if Leyla could be a ‘Catfish’ (and before you ask, no, I do not have an idea what that means, but I don’t think it’s a compliment). Roy replies that he’s a big boy now and he is very savvy about the dangers of online dating, thank you very much.

Despite his confidence, he returns home early, and alone. Not only that, but he never actually got to meet Leyla face to face. So what happened? Well, you’re not going to believe this, but, despite booking her ticket in advance, Leyla’s train was cancelled. Absolutely spot-on Roy – you are absolutely correct; I don’t believe it for one minute.

Before we move on, there appears to have been a case of alien abduction at Brookfield; Rooooth and Pip are off to market to buy some cows to expand the herd. Rooooth was looking for 25 or so beasts, but only 15 met her stringent standards. Nevertheless, David was in happy mood all morning and was even heard whistling – and no, it wasn’t the Dead March from Saul – Ben is bemused by the change in his father, describing it as “weird; but I could get used to it.”

Bearing in mind that we had a period of many months a few years ago when Ben Archer never uttered a single syllable, this – admittedly rather contrived and somewhat tenuous – link brings us to silent character number three – Kyle, a resident of Beechwood. Lee has signed up to the residents’ WhatsApp group and is distressed at some of the comments that are being posted; notably those referring to Helen and repeating the lurid press headlines concerning her trial for attempted murder of her husband, Rob. Comments along the lines of ‘is it safe for your children to play alongside Helen’s kids’? do nothing to improve Lee’s mood.

Joy tells him that she removed Kyle from the site, but another member reinstated him. By this time, Lee is just the other side of incandescent and storms out, threatening to give Kyle a piece of his mind. Helen begs him not to – she appreciates that she cannot stop people saying or thinking whatever they want, but the only way she can stay in control is by staying calm. But by this time, Lee is gone.

Joy tells Helen that she is loved and respected by friends and family, and she asks her not to be too hard on Lee – he’s only doing it because he loves Helen. Just then, Lee returns, all apologetic, because he realised that his behaviour was not what Helen wanted – in fact, he never got to Kyle’s, although all he really wanted was to punch his head in.

Helen says ‘thank you’, but she only really wants Lee to be there for her when she needs him. Joy says that she ought to be going, but isn’t it a pity that there’s no way of getting back at Kyle? Let’s pause here for reflection – Kyle sounds like a middle-aged saddo who gets his kicks by trolling people on social media, while Lee is a personal trainer, who holds a black belt in karate. Wouldn’t it be interesting if they were to meet up late one dark and moonless night for a chinwag?

They Tried To Make Me Go To Rehab

 Hannah Young (Sandra)

Alice is getting ready for rehab and the last person she probably needs to pop round is Kate, which is exactly what happens. Alice has found out that Peggy has been speaking to Chris about Alice’s alcoholism since New Year’s and she’s not happy. Kate can hardly believe it and asks what right Peggy has interfering in Alice’s life - that’s rich coming from her! She’s all for going round and sorting her out but Alice says that she’ll go and see her on her own.

Peggy is sorry for interfering but she’s proud of her granddaughter now that she’s accepting help, and Alice accepts that Peggy may have been right after all in putting Martha’s interests first. Kate is still there when Alice gets back and after a few cross words she persuades Kate not to go round and tell her Gran what’s what and, to paraphrase Amy Winehouse, tells her sister “They tried to make me go to Rehab, but I said yes, yes, yes”

Meanwhile Lynda, Shula and Joy are meeting to plan the fete, or rather Lynda and Shula are as Lynda has suggested that’s Joy’s role should be as an observer for the first few meetings. Lynda’s big idea for a theme is the Pandemic, specifically lockdown, but Shula suggests that people would have had enough by then. ‘Observer’ Joy suggests making scarecrows but Lynda pooh-poohs the idea as it’s been done before - 10 years ago! Shula loves the idea though and suggests putting it to the full committee, and Lynda reluctantly agrees. It looks like the committee loves it too as later at the tearoom Fallon praises Lynda for the scarecrow idea and she’s forced to admit that it was Joy’s idea and not hers, and confesses that her pride is somewhat hurt. Fallon tells her not to worry - she’s still ‘the boss” as far as Ambridge events are concerned.

Fallon confides in Lynda that Alice is going to rehab for a month and that she’s worried about her. Lynda sees similarities with the position she was in after the fire at Grey Gables, and it was only through the kindness of her friends that she was able to rebuild her life. Alice will need her friends too - friends like Fallon.

Back to Kate who’s avoiding Peggy but in true Kate style seems to be taking it to extremes. She turns up at Jakob’s surgery to suggest she moves out of Peggy’s house and moves in with him. Jakob’s fresh from operating on a horse and is covered in blood. Desperate as he is for a shower he wants to know what Kate’s doing there. His reaction when she tells him is characteristically direct in pointing out that they tried it before and it didn’t work (I remember him describing how she left his flat looking like a disaster zone), but he can detect an ulterior motive and his persistence wrenches the real reason from her. Jakob’s horrified that Kate would just move out and leave Peggy on her own. It seems that something that moved out a long time ago is Kate’s compassion as she says she won’t be made to feel guilty for leaving her ‘horrible old gran’ on her own.

We catch up with Alice when she’s being driven to her rehab clinic by Brian. I must say, she sounds very calm considering the struggles that have taken place to get her there. So calm in fact that I wonder whether her frequent stops at service stations are less about needing a pee than needing to get pissed. Brian calls the clinic to explain that they’re running late and they seem suspicious too. Brian goes looking for Alice and shouts into the Ladies where he thinks she is but there’s no reply - probably because she’s found a pub and is calmly having a drink in the garden. It takes Brian an hour to find her and when he does she says she’s not going to rehab - no, no, no.

Brian has a plan though. He gets Alice to think she’s convinced him that she doesn’t need to go after all, then gets himself a gin and tonic and his daughter a vodka and orange. It doesn’t take long for Alice to realise that she’ll be easier to take to rehab if she’s drunk. They argue, he manhandles her into the car (worryingly no-one seems to question this) and they eventually get there. After checking her in and leaving her in the care of the clinic’s manager Sandra, he leaves with Alice’s words ringing in his ears - “I hate you Dad”. That’s not what Brian’s telling everyone in Ambridge though, apparently she went in “quiet as a lamb”.

He can’t keep it bottled up though and he confesses to Eddie that the trip to rehab was a nightmare and puts him in the picture about what really happened. He can’t understand how things got so bad without him realising, but Eddie sympathises telling Brian he felt exactly the same way when Will was in a bad way. Brian is the only person outside the family who knows how bad things really were with Will, and Eddie is eternally grateful for his confidence.

Finally, we get back to an agricultural storyline. Well, when I say agricultural I mean Shula’s garden, which is as close as we’re going to get this week. Neil’s anxious to pay off his debt to Shula by finishing her garden and I can’t tell you how relieved I am that they’re not having the affair Alistair thought they were having. He is spending an awful long time there though, and who can blame him. At Shula’s he can take his time in the garden being fed a constant supply of tea and chocolate digestives, while back at Ambridge View he and Susan are at each others throats as the strain of holding down two jobs while looking after Martha is starting to take it’s toll on the couple.

It doesn’t get any better when Shula turns up to return Neil’s secateurs that he left behind, and Susan learns of the extent of the work he’s been doing for her. Miffed, to say the least, Susan leaves telling Neil to stay and chat with “your friend Shula!”

Still, it could have been worse - she could have been returning the clothes he changed out of two weeks ago.

The Story of Solomon

Lule Nunn (Sol)

Welcome to a brand new week and welcome to Sol, a new character who has arrived in Ambridge with a bit of a bang - as it were, and dominates this week’s summary. Solomon is a work colleague of Lily’s and she’s just woken up in his bed after what Sol described as a rampant sexathon. 

Their reminiscences of the night before are cut rudely short when Lily remembers she should be at Lower Loxley running things while Elizabeth and Vince are on holiday. As it happens there was something groaning all night at Lower Loxley too. No, not Elizabeth and Vince, but the plumbing, which Freddie is tasked with getting fixed.

Over breakfast Elizabeth is talking to Vince about the film Love Actually which she describes as having ‘something for everyone’. Perhaps my most hated phrase so often used to describe something which has no outstanding features or is a phrase lazily clutched at by presenters on programmes such as repeat offenders Countryfile - “ooh, the (substitute the geographic area of your choice) has something for everyone”. I won’t single out any particular presenter but let’s just say it really grates on me when spoken in a Cumbrian accent. Also “you literally couldn’t make it up”. Yes you could. That’s what making it up LITERALLY means. Argh! But I digress.

Freddie’s horrified to learn that Elizabeth and Vince’s plans have changed as there was a mix-up with their booking, so now they’re having a staycation - at Lower Loxley. Freddie was hoping to have his mates over and when Lily comes home her immediate priorities are strong coffee and a shower, not listening to her mother.

Timing, as they say, is everything. On the morning after Lily’s extracurricular activities, Russ learns that his decree absolute has come through and he is therefore no longer married, and can’t wait to tell Lily! When they see each again Lily senses something different about his demeanour and assumes he must know about what she’s been up to. She confides in Rex that she was having a really good time with Sol but is now feeling awful about cheating on Russ. Rex doesn’t see much of a problem as she clearly seems to like him and maybe there’s something lacking in her relationship with Russ.

In a different sense Russ also feels like a new man. He’s begun painting again and is creating himself a new studio, leaving Freddie in charge of lighting an exhibition of oversized paintings by a new promising artist. The first painting to emerge from Russ’ new studio will be a portrait of Lily, and she will be the first person to see it. That might not be the unveiling Russ is expecting as Lily thinks she should confess all. But before she gets the chance, she runs into Sol who’s turned up to Lower Loxley on a works do for the first night of the drive-in movies, not realising she lives there. Things are a bit awkward between them as they stand in the field and he now knows about Russ, but says he’s cool with that and he’d like them to stay friends.

When she finally sees Russ he shows her the decree absolute and tells her how he feels and says its a new start for them. He then unveils the portrait which she calls exquisite - no, he say, it’s her that’s exquisite. “I love you” she tells him, which probably means she won’t be confessing her night of passion with another man after all.

While looking around the estate Vince happens upon Freddie with his Shire horse, Cranford Crystal. Vince is impressed with the size of the beast but does himself a mischief trying to climb onto the horse to have his photo taken. It might be the pain of his strained groin which makes him rather short tempered with Elizabeth later on when she tries to advise him on an issue he’s having with his Operations manager. Things lighten up over dinner when Freddie recounts the incident with ‘Crannie’ and Vince even suggests they watch the video Freddie took of the inelegant dismount.

The plumbing is still being fixed so Elizabeth and Vince decamp to the bridal suite where it will be quieter, but they don’t bargain on Vince’s mother, Iris, turning up the next morning looking for her ‘Vincie’ or ‘Babs’ as she calls him. Her visit is unexpected and Vince is very keen to persuade his mother to leave but she insists on ‘doing her rounds’. This appears to consist of seeking out anyone she can to ask about Elizabeth to make sure she’s right for her boy and not after his money. Her forensic questioning leads her to conclude that they are indeed right for each other, but Elizabeth should take care with her soft-hearted son.

Elizabeth accompanies Vince to the drive-in movie night in Vince’s Rolls Royce and they reflect on the week. Vince thinks he’s messed things up but Elizabeth reassures him. In fact she does more than that by telling him she loves him. She loves him but she can’t live with him, which is an arrangement they both seem more than happy with.

This week, as one relationship settles down, another threatened to implode. But how refreshing to have an affair started and finished, with all loose ends tidied up, all in the same week. 

How unlike The Archers.