Blake Saves Gavin’s Bacon

Luke Macgregor (Blake)

I sometimes – no, I often, wonder whether Gavin really is managerial material. Take last week; Gav and the lads are awaiting a delivery of bricks so that they can start on a building job. The bricks arrive and the driver leaves. To his dismay, Gavin inspects the load and finds that they are not the right sort; they are engineering bricks – if only he had inspected them, but he was busy with the customer. Gavin is in despair – his dad Philip already thinks that he is a waste of space and this debacle will do nothing to dispel this view – Gavin fears he is in for a prolonged bout of earache from his father.

Philip turns up on site, where Blake, one of the labourers, tells him about the mistake. Amazingly, Blake says that it was his fault, as he accepted the delivery without checking the goods. Talk about a noble gesture and taking one for the team! Philip is annoyed and tells Blake that he will have to be punished for making a mistake – that punishment is that the Playstation will be confiscated for two weeks. Furthermore, Philip puts the fear of God up Blake by telling him that the cops have worked out that the Grey Gables explosion was his fault and they are scouring the country for him.

When Gavin and Blake are alone, Gavin asks him why did he take the rap? “That’s what mates do, isn’t it?” Blake answers, and thanks Gavin for looking after him – he could never have coped otherwise. What does he mean looking after him – the explosion would never have happened if Blake hadn’t tried to make some toast because he was half-starved. Whatever, Gavin is very touched and thanks Blake, saying “I owe you one.” Gavin goes even further, by digging out a vintage games console (was it an N64? I don’t understand these things) and challenging Blake to a game. Gavin also tells Blake that things will be different soon, as Philip is thinking of retiring (this is in strictest confidence, of course).

It was not a particularly good week for Freddie, as his first rehearsal was a cross between a farce and a failure. Freddie tells Tracy that it was “a disaster” and everybody kept looking at their watches. “Whatever made me think that I could be a director?” he asks, despondently. Fear not! Tracy has had an idea and tells Freddie that she will be in touch soon. Her idea is for her man Roman to get involved on the directing side and she and Roman run the idea past Elizabeth, who immediately says that there is no budget available. No worries; Roman says that he will do it for free – it will look good on his CV. The only worry is how will Freddie react? Again, no worries – Freddie grabs Roman’s hands off and hands over the canvas chair and megaphone at the speed of light.

It transpires that, whereas Freddie didn’t have a clue how to organise a rehearsal, Roman has his own, idiosyncratic method. Instead of a mass meeting, he prefers to meet with a couple of cast members at a time. The first two lucky punters are Oliver and David, who meet for an hour at the Village Hall. Roman’s idea is to play a game – ‘Two truths, one lie’ in which the others tell three stories and the two non-storytellers have to pick out the lie. Oliver is a roaring success; entertaining and hilarious, while David tells three stories about cows – ‘one dimensional’ doesn’t even come close.

Actually, I don’t know what David was doing there, as all he did was bitch and moan and, when he realised that the game was the sum total of the rehearsal, he sank deeper into a slough of despond. Speaking to Eddie next day, David told Eddie that he (Eddie) was well out of the production and that “I never thought I’d find myself missing Lynda.” Oh come on David – it cannot be that bad, but if it is indeed so, then why not step aside in favour of Eddie; he’s desperate to be in the production and you so obviously aren’t, so it would be win-win.

Talking of Eddie, he is really getting into the job of trying to infiltrate the rogue metal detectorists targeting Brookfield and has created a complete new identity online, with a sophisticated backstory. His aim is to become accepted by the group and, as bait, he has posted details of a coin or medal that he and Joe unearthed a few years ago. And it works, as Eddie receives lots of messages, asking for more details. The plan is that the nighthawkers will have to meet him face to face and, to Eddie’s delight, they arrange a date for Thursday evening – they will send Eddie details of exactly where and when later. Eddie tells Will that he’s “not going to let nighthawkers get their hands on our treasure.” Sorry Eddie? Our treasure? Whose farm is it anyway?

Eddie was going to take his sons with him, but they call off. David refuses to let Eddie go solo, and says he will accompany Eddie. As it happens, Will changes his mind and goes with his father, so Eddie tells David he can stand down. The rendezvous is in a service station car park and the Grundys initially wait in their van to suss out the nighthawkers. As we learn later, they are surprised to find that the group seem to be a decent bunch. Eddie is jubilant – he is now a member of the group and, should anyone plan a move on Brookfield, he and David can catch them red-handed. I feel we should point out that we are talking about the Grundys here, and their capacity to cock things up is legendary, so I am fully expecting something untoward to happen before long.

Alice has taken up residence in her detox unit, although she very nearly bottled it and was all for not going – not only would she miss Chris, but, as they are going private, the cost is prohibitive. Why can’t they just get away to somewhere off the beaten track, where she can sort herself out? Chris says that she cannot do it by herself – she needs expert medical help and, when she is better, it will be well worth the money. She reveals that she is wearing a locket with her husband’s photo inside, and if things get too tough, she will draw strength by looking at his picture. Chris says that he has never loved her as much as he does now and he’s proud of her. “I don’t deserve you” Alice says, a bit tearfully. “Of course you do” Chris replies, which could be interpreted as more-than-slightly immodest.

Over at Hollowtree (for the moment, at least) Rex is not having a good time. His pigs are farrowing and one piglet has been crushed by its (first-time) mother. He arranges to talk to Neil, who tells him that these things happen, and he (Neil) has had lots of setbacks in his farming career. Rex asks himself why is he bothering – he’ll probably be winding things up in a few months?

Neil tells him there might be an answer – what does he know about Council Farms? Like me, Rex’s answer is ‘sod all’. Neil says that they were established to give people a step up on the farming ladder, and could be the answer to Rex’s problem. By an almost unbelievable coincidence, there is one such farm coming on the market soon – a 10-year tenancy, 75 acres of land, a farmhouse and buildings, Jacuzzi, indoor swimming pool and skating rink (I lied about the final three.)

Rex says that he hadn’t thought about having a whole farm, but the idea of having his own place appeals, after living with Bert for so long. If you think about it Rex, you could even rent out some of the outbuildings (at an extortionate rate) to Toby for distilling Scruff Gin – always assuming, of course that the idle sod can be bothered to carry on in the gin business.

However, Neil adds a caveat – there will be great competition for the farm, but Neil does have the advantage in that he has an established agricultural business, so why not go for it? Rex is warming to the idea, but I’d be careful – Justin Elliott might buy the whole thing and build a housing estate. I should point out that I have absolutely no evidence that Justin has any such scheme in mind – nor indeed whether he would be allowed to do so – but I don’t think that the man is 100% trustworthy and he has both ambition and deep pockets, so anything is possible. Let’s hope not, as Rex could do with some luck – good luck, that is.

Let’s finish with a visit to Brookfield, where Elizabeth (I thought she was busy with work?) is watching Jill make mince pies. Jill goes wittering on about Leonard and how he thinks there should be a certain amount of candied peel in the mincemeat. Lizzie says how nice it is to hear Jill talking happily about Leonard and Jill immediately thinks that she has been insensitive, going on about Leonard, when Lizzie must be feeling lonely at this time.

Elizabeth says there’s no need to worry on that front, as she has been on a few dates recently. Has she met anyone interesting? Jill asks. Elizabeth replies that there is one person; he’s charming and gentlemanly and he’s called Vince. I don’t know what reaction Lizzie was expecting, but Jill, having ascertained that we are talking about Vince Casey, says “as long as you are happy.”

David turns up towards the end of this conversation and has caught the words “Vince Casey.” David calls him “a complete git” and then – rather belatedly – asks “why are we discussing that rat?” “Because I’m dating him” his sister replies, which, as I am sure you will agree, is a bit of a conversation stopper.

Later on, David tells Elizabeth that he was sorry that she heard what he said about Vince – not, you will note, that he was sorry what he said, but just that he was sorry that she heard it – and Lizzie shares that she thinks that Vince is a little bit intimidated by her. Lizzie tells David not to worry – she can look after herself – and David (trying to trawl back a few Brownie Points) says that he would happily sit down for a talk with Vince “But I don’t think it would change anything.” “Maybe – maybe not” Elizabeth replies, enigmatically, and thus the week’s final episode ends.

Let us delve into the realm of speculation for a moment. Let’s presume that Elizabeth and Vince fall madly in love. Furthermore, that this leads to a marriage proposal, which Elizabeth accepts. Furtherfurthermore, the marriage is held at Lower Loxley. Furtherfurtherfurthermore, Vince asks David if he would be his Best Man. Furtherfurtherfurtherfurthermore, Vince wants to book the Brookfield barn for the wedding reception and, knowing him, would ask for at least family discount, if not a freebie - I don’t know about you, but I think that could well make for an interesting two or three (at least) episodes.

 

The Human Scarecrow

 

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

I think the Brookfield Archers are cursing the day that they found the Anglo Saxon coins on the farm, while of course they should be cursing their youngest son, the loose-lipped Ben, for spreading word of the find. Rooooth has just spent half an hour on the phone with a lady who has booked the Barn for an event a few months hence and who is worried about security – do they have secure parking with regular patrols of the car park? Are there fixed machine guns covering the entrance and exits? Is the minefield in working order?

Just as David explodes with anger – do these people think that there are thieves and criminals all over the farm, the phone rings – it’s Eddie; he’s up at Marneys and there’s a van parked outside – he reckons it’s the nighthawkers returned, looking for treasure. David says he’ll be right there, but it’s too late, as when he gets there the birds have flown. Eddie wishes he could do more to help, but he feels that the nighthawkers will not give up easily.

But wait a minute – perhaps there is something he can do; if he were to pose as one of the rogue detectorists, he might get some information on the nighthawkers, which he could pass on to David. David could then warn them off. Of course, to be convincing, he would need a metal detector – what about the one David found in the ditch the other day; that would be ideal? On top of this, Eddie suggests that, once the nighthawkers have been scared off, why doesn’t David agree to give Eddie the rights to search the land?

Now, I don’t know if David swallows all this guff – I suspect not, as the story is, as they say, ‘as thin as a Co-op blanket’ (not my phrase – apparently it is, or was, in common use among the bowling fraternity to describe a not very good shot) and you’d have to be as thick as a whale sandwich to be taken in by it. Certainly Rooooth finds the idea hilarious and calls it daft. But perhaps David is not as thick as all that, as he tells Rooooth “better the devil you know” and says that Eddie could be a deterrent “like a human scarecrow.” Cue more hysterical laughter from Rooooth. Actually, I do wonder whether there really was a van at Marneys in the first place, or whether the whole episode was a cunning ruse for Eddie to get his metal detector back, or is that too subtle? 

Chris and Alice featured prominently last week, including a two-hander for all of Wednesday’s episode. However, our story begins on Monday, when Alice presents her husband with a baby-gro. On the front is printed ‘I get my awesomeness from my dad’. Apparently there is no truth in the rumour that it also has ‘And I get my prodigious appetite for booze from my mum’ printed on the back. Just as the pair are getting all lovey-dovey, the doorbell rings and it’s Jennifer paying a visit. We have often commented in the past that she has an almost psychic ability to turn up like a gooseberry at the most inopportune moments. Tonight was one such and Chris says he’s going for a bath.

It must have been a long one, as he doesn’t emerge until Jenny is on the verge of leaving and she remarks that she is surprised that he isn’t all shrivelled and wrinkled, so long has he been in the soak. As Jennifer leaves, Chris is confronted by an ashen-faced Alice, who tells him that she is bleeding and she is terrified that she will lose the baby.

Rewinding an hour or so, while Chris was playing mermaids, Jennifer and Alice had a frank discussion, in which Jenny tells her daughter how she and Ruairi listened to the CD that Siobhan had made for her son’s 18^th birthday. It was very moving, with Siobhan talking from the heart and it showed how much she loved Ruairi. Any hate that Jenny had for Siobhan evaporated as she listened – Siobhan talked about her hopes for her son and Jennifer realised that she (Jen) had been lucky enough to see him develop into a fine young man, and just how much Siobhan had missed out on. On hearing this, Alice describes her mother as “amazing.”

But back to the possible miscarriage – the midwife could not arrange a scan right away, so they have to wait a while. Due to Covid restrictions, Chris was not allowed in the scan room and, as he tells Alice later, as they drive home, he has never been so scared in his life. Alice is very quiet and tells Chris not to be so nice to her – she doesn’t deserve it.

Bit by bit, the whole story of her alcoholism emerges and Chris is stunned and more than a little hurt; especially when Alice says that it has been going on for years and she has never really stopped drinking. Chris cannot understand how he could have missed it, plus he now realises that Emma had been telling the truth about Alice’s problem. Alice, too, is in a bit of a state and begs Chris to say something – what if she has hurt the baby, or it develops health problems? “I can’t do this on my own” she sobs, bursting into tears.

Next morning, Chris takes her some breakfast and says that he has scoured the house for alcohol and thrown it all away, as the only thing that matters now is the health of the baby. He spent the night on the sofa. Meanwhile, Alice is suffering with a bad case of the DTs and is shaking and sweating. She despises herself and tells him “You’re married to a disgusting, selfish, pathetic drunk!” He doesn’t contradict her.

Things go from bad to worse, as Alice is losing control. She tells Chris to lock her in the bathroom, as it is the only room in the house from which she cannot escape – I find this strange, as my bathroom is only lockable from inside – but Chris is loath to do this, until Alice’s begging convinces him that this is the only answer, so he does so.

Alice has told him not to let her out, whatever she might say, so he doesn’t, but she’s in agony, and so desperate for alcohol that she drinks some mouthwash – at least the baby will have fresh breath. This proves not to be a good idea, as she starts shouting; she’s hallucinating that the baby is talking to her and trying to escape from her body. She begs Chris to get her a drink – there is a miniature whisky in her handbag; this will be her last drink (they are seeing the doctor later). As Chris gives her the whisky, he breaks down, saying that he has let her down, and they both weep.

Next day they see the doctor and tell him how bad Alice was. He says that you cannot just give up alcohol suddenly and suggests a medical detox programme, reducing the alcohol intake gradually. This will mean that she is away from Chris, as it is a residential course. Alice cannot bear the thought of being away from Chris and says “you can’t make me go.” The doctor says it’s not just about her, as the risks for the baby are significant, so he might have to consider involving Child Services.

Alice says she’s scared, but Chris tells the doctor to sign her up. He replies that it could take some time, so Chris asks if it would help if they went private. The doctor says that “it will be a long and difficult road for both of you.” Alice just wants to get well and Chris calls her ‘brave’ and says he loves her. “I don’t know how you can” she tells him, in tears. He asks her to remember their wedding day in Vegas and how happy he (and indeed, she) was. He vows that they will get through this – she’s worth fighting for, so they will go private.

Moving on, it is with a heavy heart – and a smug ‘I told you this would happen’ expression that we return to the ‘Freddie and the Christmas Special’ story. On his way to Grey Gables (why? He keeps going on about how dead the place is, despite Oliver’s optimistic pronouncements, so do they really need him?) when he runs into Eddie. Eddie talks about the Christmas Show and asks Freddie when is the first rehearsal? Freddie replies that, after Lynda’s radio appeal, he has his cast complete, so there’s no part for Eddie. Eddie is outraged – he’s always taken part in previous years and has never had to audition or for a part before. As for Lynda’s radio appeal, Eddie didn’t hear it and knows nothing about it.

Freddie goes to see Lynda and tells her about Eddie’s attitude. Her view is that Freddie should try to find a place for Eddie – yes, he’s a Prima Donna; yes, he’s always the last to learn his lines “but he’s the glue that holds the cast together.” She says that if Freddie cannot find him a part, he might regret it. Freddie asks what can he do, and Lynda replies that he is the producer, so it’s down to him; “It’s not my place to interfere.” Just cancel the whole damn thing, Freddie – you can always go back to drug dealing.

Let’s end with the Fairbrothers. Rex is stressing because they have only six months to sort out the Hollowtree situation and he needs to find somewhere to house, feed and water his pigs. How can Toby be so relaxed – six months is nothing in farming, nor in gin distilling? Toby’s response is that he was thinking of giving up the gin distillery – apparently, Shires Brewery made him an offer earlier in the year to effectively buy the rights to Scruff’s gin, but he didn’t think the time was right, so he never pursued the offer. 

Now, however, Toby has become bored with the gin business and tells Rex that he’s minded to sell. He e-mailed the CEO of Shires and got an immediate response and an offer. The price has to be sorted out, but Toby drags his brother down to the pub, saying that he is buying the drinks.

Now, is it just me, or am I the only one to think that Toby deserves a right good slapping? He tells Rex not to worry – Toby’s mantra is that something will always turn up, but this Mr Micawber attitude really gets on my nerves, as Toby’s work ethic is, to be charitable, elastic. I would like Rex to win the Lottery, but in the week that specifies that you are not allowed to give any money to other members of your immediate family. In my opinion, Rex deserves some luck and Toby is a waste of space.

Ruairi Doubles His Chances

Arthur Hughes (Ruairi Donovan)

Last week was a landmark for Ruairi, as it was his 18^th birthday. To mark the occasion, Jennifer decided to throw a small dinner party; just her and Brian, Ruairi and Ben Archer. I didn’t quite catch what the main course was, although it had to be cooked for two days, or something equally silly, but the dessert was Knickerbocker Glory. Be still, my beating heart!

Apparently, the event was as exciting as it sounds, as, on the evening of the party, Johnny received a text from Ben, which said “Dinner party doing my head in. Need stronger booze NOW!!!” Never ones to turn down a friend in need, Johnny and Jazzer leave some bottles of Jazzer’s home brew near the garden gate. It seems that this concoction is quite drinkable, as well as having a kick like a mule. Johnny says that craft beer is all the rage nowadays and that Jazzer ought to sell it.

If Jazzer were to go into the brewing business, he’d have at least one customer, as Ben messages Johnny to say that Brian loved the beer and said he’d like to buy some for himself. Ben told Brian that the beer came from a micro brewery in Felpersham, while in actual fact Jazzer has been brewing it in one of Adam’s polytunnels.

Before we leave Johnny and Jazzer, there was an interesting cameo when Johnny was bemoaning the paucity of his lovelife. Jazzer says that the way to be successful with women is to find one who knows what she wants and go for it, as he has done with Jade, who is one of his milk round customers. Jazzer goes further, saying that he will take Johnny under his wing and they will go out on the pull later in the week. Johnny can learn from the master.

He is obviously a very quick learner, as a couple of days later, Johnny is knackered and explains to Jazzer that it is due to lack of sleep, as he went home with Jade and one thing led to another. “What? My Jade?” asks a scandalised Jazzer, to which Johnny replies that he was only following Jazzer’s advice. Will he be seeing her again? Johnny thinks it unlikely, as she never mentioned it. He apologises to Jazzer, but he didn’t think he and Jade were an item. 

Say what you like about Jazzer, but he’s not one to bear a grudge, or nurse a broken heart for any great length of time, as he says that Jade knows what she wants and it obviously isn’t him – it’s probably time he moved on and found someone else. Still, I bet he wishes that he had kept Johnny’s winning scratchcard now.

Earlier in the week, Ruairi and Ben have been despatched to find a specific set of crockery and glasses that Jennifer thinks will be ideal for her dinner party. Now I thought that, when the Aldridges moved out of Home Farm, they were downsizing, but I was obviously mistaken (either that or Jennifer has more dinner services than the average restaurant), as the boys have been looking for 20 minutes and still not found what they are looking for.

How can I be sure of the exact length of time? Easy – Ruairi took a call from his friend Troy and, when he returned to help Ben, the latter moaned that Ruairi had been on the phone for 20 minutes. Ruairi accuses Ben of being jealous of his friendship with Troy, but adds that there’s no need to worry, as Ruairi’s relationship with Troy is very different from his friendship with Ben. If Ben wants to know the truth, Troy is an Ex. No-one could accuse Ben of being lightning-quick on the uptake, as he asks “Ex what?” “My ex, idiot” Ruairi replies, adding that he knew that Ben would be OK with this revelation.

Ben is more than OK, as he describes it as “the best news ever” – when the two lads go out together, Ben will not have any competition when it comes to having his pick of the girls. Not so fast Ben! “I said I was bisexual, not gay” Ruairi tells his friend, adding that he might fancy a girl instead of a guy. “Now you’re just being greedy” Ben complains. That may well be the case, or perhaps Ruairi is working to the philosophy espoused by Woody Allen, who said ‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.’ Has Ruairi told anyone else? No, but he’s sure that Brian and Jennifer will be cool about it – look at Adam, after all.

We will return to Ruairi later, but first let us clear up a couple of other stories. Lynda is extremely disappointed at the village’s reaction to Freddie’s appeals for people to join the cast of the Christmas show. Apparently, even Alan has refused to take part and he has never ever refused Lynda in the past. Something has to be done, Lynda decides, and that something is for her to go on Susan’s radio show and, without putting too fine a point on it, for her to lay a guilt trip on the whole village and shame the inhabitants into taking part.

This is probably one of Lynda’s best-ever performances; her voice is weak and faltering as she relates how it was only the thought of the Christmas show that gave her the determination to get better after the explosion at Grey Gables. However, it seems that her hopes will be dashed, as everybody seems too busy. Surely, at times like this, community spirit assumes even greater importance as we all pull together?

The effect of this virtuoso performance can be seen when Jennifer tells Alice later that she must give Lynda a telephone call, as she wants to volunteer her services for the Yuletide extravaganza. I tell you; listening to Lynda’s speech damn near made me want to sign up, and you know what I think of Lynda’s festive offerings.

Over at Kirsty’s gaff, Helen has dropped in for a catch up. Kirsty reveals that she and Philip are considering upping sticks and moving to Wales. There is much talk along the lines of ‘I’ll miss you’, but Helen says it will be a great opportunity for Kirsty and Phil. Have they made an offer on anywhere yet? Kirsty says no – they will have to sell the Beechwood house first. Helen says that should not prove a problem, as Philip has done a great job inside the house and the garden is fantastic.

Helen says that whoever moves in would also have “the joy of Joy” as a neighbour, to which Kirsty replies that she’s not bad once you get to know her, and she would be a willing babysitter for anyone with a family. Now there’s an idea – why doesn’t Helen buy the house? After all, she’s always saying how nice it is and has said that she’d like to get away from her family at Bridge Farm. Not only that, but she could move Lee in. Whoa! Slow down, Helen says, but she admits that she is very interested in the idea. Of course, she’d have to redecorate totally and concrete over the garden, she teases Kirsty. This conversation was fuelled by a bottle of Prosecco, by the way.

Let’s return to Ruairi. A couple of days before the dinner party, he is opening his birthday cards. One, from his auntie Naimh in Ireland, contains a CD and a note explaining that the CD was recorded by Siobhan (Ruairi’s mother) who died when her son was four years old. Siobhan asked Naimh to send it to him for his 18^th birthday. This news affects Ruairi deeply and he is not sure how to react, as he has few memories of his mother. Is he ready to hear what she has to say, he wonders?

Next morning, after a sleepless night, Ruairi tells Brian about the CD, adding that he hasn’t played it yet. Brian is very unhappy about the whole thing and condemns Naimh for sending it. In fact, he wants to ring her to give her a piece of his mind, but he cannot find his address book. In vain does Ruairi protest that Brian will just make everything worse, but Brian is losing it big time and says that Naimh has never liked him. Let’s see – Brian had an affair with Siobhan and got her pregnant, all of which directly contributed to the breakdown of Siobhan’s marriage and an illegitimate son for Jennifer to rear. What’s not to like about that?

The noise of Brian and Ruairi arguing attracts Jennifer’s attention and she demands to know what’s going on? Ruairi explains and Brian tells his wife that it’s nothing for her to worry about and she doesn’t need to get involved. Jennifer’s answer to this is to tell Brian to go and peel the carrots for tonight’s meal, which he does, without a murmur.

Jenny calms Ruairi down and tells him that the CD is a wonderful gift from his mother, but she advises him not to play it until he feels he is ready. She reassures him that she will always love him and that will never change. It appears to be a bonding time for the Aldridges, as later on Alice tells her mother how, at the time that the story of Brian’s affair was revealed she (Alice) saw Jennifer leaning over the kitchen sink, sobbing and how much she (Alice again) hated both Siobhan and Brian. “So if you want to slag her – or him – off to me, I won’t mind.”

But that’s not in Jennifer’s nature. During the meal, Ruairi tells her that he thinks he is ready to listen to the CD now and he asks his stepmother to stay and listen with him. It is Siobhan’s voice – Ruairi is four years old and Siobhan says that he is so beautiful and he makes her laugh. She wonders what his life is like now – has he got a girlfriend, or even a boyfriend? She just hopes that he is happy. “Be whoever you need to be” she tells him from beyond the grave, adding that she loves him “fiercely”.

The CD ends with Siobhan saying “Happy birthday my darling boy – be happy my love” and Ruairi has to choke back a tear. The CD was exactly what he wanted to hear. “That was pretty amazing” he tells Jennifer, adding “I’m really glad you listened with me.” “I’m really glad too” Jennifer replies, tenderly.

Meanwhile, while this touching scene is being played out in Ruairi’s bedroom, down in the dining room Brian and Ben are rapidly getting blotto on Jazzer’s home-made beer, and the Knickerbocker Glories have melted…

Don’t Give Up The Day Job, David

Timothy Bentinck (David Archer)

This week we had definitive proof that, as a detective, David makes a pretty good farmer. Consider; the secret of the Anglo Saxon coins is out in the public domain (yes Ben, you may well hang your head in shame) and Brookfield is crawling with metal detectorists. One of these is Eddie Grundy, who has dragged son Will to the field where the coins were found to act as an (albeit unwilling) lookout.

Eddie is incensed to find fellow detectorists hunting for treasure and his indignation is not lessened when Will reminds him that the two of them have no right to be there either. Eddie goes to give the man a piece of his mind (careful Eddie – you need to keep as much as you can) and a fed-up Will takes the opportunity to go home. 

It turns out that details of Brookfield’s location are available on the Internet and Ben tries to atone for his earlier indiscretion by producing laminated posters saying ‘Private Land – keep off’. You might as well have said ‘Detectorists – please form an orderly queue’ Ben. In yet another attempt to ingratiate himself with the family, Ben agrees to help out by walking the fields with David, looking for trespassers. 

It was on one such expedition when David spotted a person apparently hiding in a ditch and goes to accost the trespasser. It turns out to be Eddie – what’s he doing? Eddie says he is scouting for holly and mistletoe. Of course he is – there are only 47 days left to Christmas, after all. Eddie also adds that he has noticed some fresh holes in the field. Suddenly, David lets out an exclamation – there’s a metal detector partially concealed in the ditch – he says that he will contact the police and see if they can trace the owner.

And this is the evidence of David’s lack of policing expertise. Let’s look at the facts – 1. Eddie is hiding in a ditch at Brookfield, with a not-very-convincing excuse for being there. 2. A metal detector is also found in the ditch. 3. Eddie is well known as a bit of a scally. What are we to deduce from all this? In David’s case, the answer is ‘nothing’, which is why we urge him not to give up the day job. 

Let’s face it – any normal person would have the cuffs ready and the cell already prepared with Eddie’s name on it; never mind all this ‘innocent till proven guilty’ rubbish – the man is obviously guilty as sin and should be made an example of. Does Ambridge still have stocks on the Village Green, I ask myself?

You have to admire Eddie’s optimism, as he tells Will that he believes that the Grundys’ time has come, (conveniently forgetting that he doesn’t have a detector at the moment) but they need to catch the other detectorists first. In order to do this, Eddie told David that he would help him patrol the fields – oh yes, Eddie also volunteered the services of Will and Ed as well.

Lily is worried that Freddie has made no progress with the Lower Loxley Christmas show and she is acutely aware that the Trustees are keeping a very close eye on her twin and, if truth be told, they are expecting him to fail. However, she has a cunning plan, and approaches Johnny for help. Lily knows that, if she approaches Freddie with her idea, he will reject it out of hand, but if Johnny were to present it as his idea…

Good plan Lily, marred only by the fact that her idea is to have a show presenting Christmas-based readings and poetry and Freddie knows that Johnny probably cannot even spell ‘poetry’. Freddie keeps asking awkward questions, which Johnny cannot answer, and in the end he has to admit that the idea was Lily’s. However, Freddie thinks it is a good idea and he pitched it to Elizabeth and Glen, who liked it as well and gave it the go-ahead. Freddie’s contribution to the whole thing is to make the event Covid-proof, by having readings in different areas for separate groups.

Unfortunately, there will be no funding for the show, so Freddie will have to rely on getting people to perform out of the goodness of their hearts. But hey, says Freddie, Lynda always managed to rustle up performers, “so how hard can it be?” 

A few days later, he realises that the answer to that particular question is ‘pretty damn difficult’ as he has phoned most people in the village and the only volunteer he has had is Bert Fry. Freddie goes to see Lynda, to show her the new Grey Gables brochure and she asks how is the show coming along? He admits that he is not having much luck and asks Lynda how did she manage it? He goes further, saying that, as Lynda always managed to fill her cast, the problem must lie with him.

Not at all, says Lynda – she always suffered the same way. So how did she manage it? ”The gentle art of manipulation” she replies, and tells him that you have to be a bit devious to achieve your aims. For example, Lilian is easy – just have good costumes and a good part, while Neil can be persuaded by appealing to his sense of civic pride. And by the way, she wouldn’t bother at all with Jim Lloyd. “It just takes practice Freddie, and you can do it – I know you can.”

So, it would appear that the euphoria that some of us felt when Lynda announced her retirement was a bit premature and I fear that we are not rid of the annual Christmas extravaganza – it’s just that the creative torch has been passed to the next generation in the shape of Freddie Pargetter.

The Philip/Gavin/Kirsty saga grinds on. Philip and Kirsty go to St. Stephens, where they are met by Shula. Philip has been asked to quote on some repair work and, when he is carrying out a recce in the bell tower, Kirsty and Shula talk. Kirsty mentions the possible move to Wales, but she is worried about leaving Gavin, and tells Shula about his gambling problem.

There’s not much that you can teach Shula about living with a problem gambler, and she tells Kirsty that it will take time. Perhaps, Shula suggests, it would help if Phil and Kirsty gave Gavin greater responsibility? Kirsty accompanies Gavin to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting, but he decides that he cannot face going in and talking about himself. That’s OK, says Kirsty, he doesn’t have to – she’ll take him home, which she does. It’s time, Kirsty adds, that Gavin shows Phil that it’s Gavin’s life, not Phil’s.

Philip isn’t happy about this and he storms out when Kirsty says that she was impressed with Gavin’s maturity and self-awareness and that they are going to have to let him handle this his own way. When Philip returns later, he apologises for being a grump. “I’m just a stubborn, moaning old git” he tells her, and, when she doesn’t contradict him, he adds that Kirsty is right about Gavin and he (Philip) will try to go easy on his son.

Kirsty says that they might now be able to trust Gavin on his own, so what is there to stop them moving to Wales? They can start looking for a place of their own. Philip is delighted – does she really mean it? “Yes, seriously” she replies. If Philip was delighted before, he is over the parrot at this and says “That’s all I dream about these days”. “Me too,” Kirsty answers, adding; “Our own little place; a fresh start for the two of us.”

I cannot help thinking that this is all too good to be true and that it will go decidedly Comice-shaped before long.

 

Ben Tells It Like It Is – Eventually

Ben Norris (Ben Archer)

Imagine you are Ben Archer, driving along and you get a phone call from your mother. Suddenly, you notice that the road is full of Herefords, which should really be in a field. Not surprisingly, you let out an exclamation, which causes Rooooth to ask what has happened? Wouldn’t your immediate reaction be to say something like ‘the cows have escaped’? What does Ben do? He tells Rooooth to get over to Marneys as quickly as possible and to drag along anyone else who happens to be free on the farm.

 

At no time does he tell his mother what is actually happening – I ask you, is that normal behaviour? Normal for Ben, perhaps – the lad has a penchant for coming up with complicated plans; plans that normally involve a female. Bencurrently has the hots for archaeology student Evie, who was one of the team carrying out a survey of Brookfield after some Anglo-Saxon coins were unearthed. The survey has been completed and Ben is racking his brains (if that isn’t too strong a word) to find a way to get in touch with Evie. I find that a phone usually works for me, Ben.

 

But that’s too easy. Now, listen carefully, as I could be asking questions later. Susan texts Rooooth, asking if anyone from Brookfield fancies appearing on her radio show to talk about the recent dig? Rooooth mutters ‘not likely’ but Ben says that he would be willing to do it. His mother expressly forbids it, saying that they don’t want to attract treasure seekers. She does ask if he can mention the barn as a venue.

 

Ben’s plan, as he tells Ruairi later, is for him to suggest to Susan that he could talk about how students are coping with the pandemic and possible lockdown (getting totally rat-arsed would be my guess). In the course of the interview, he could then succumb to Susan’s intelligent and probing questioning, as she forensically extracts the truth about the coins from him. Yeah, right – about the most probing question Susan is capable of asking would be along the lines of ‘what did you have for breakfast?’ Ruairi tells Ben that this is the worst plan since Napoleon’s march on Moscow, but Ben thinks it’s a winner.

 

Rooooth is quite proud that her youngest son will be appearing on the radio, but impresses upon him that there should be no mention of Ambridge (difficult if Susan asks tricky questions like ‘whereabouts is your family’s farm?’), nor the dig, and other words that are definitely taboo include ‘Anglo’, ‘Saxon’ and coins. What could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot, as it happens – from Susan’s questioning it becomes obvious that she has been told about the coins and the survey.

Not only that, but Ben only remembers to mention the barn in the final few seconds of the interview and, while he did not mention Ambridge, he did mention Brookfield. Luckily, he forgot to give the farm’s GPS coordinates, but it was touch and go.

 

But back to the escaping bovines – how did they get out? The answer is that the padlock on the field gate has been smashed and Rooooth is fuming, immediately connecting this with Ben’s indiscreet radio interview. Ben protests – she cannot be sure that it was the work of treasure hunters; it might be fly tippers. So where’s the rubbish then? Fortunately for him, Ben doesn’t say that they might have been considerate fly tippers, who buried the evidence, but Rooooth is very, very unhappy.

 

During the interview, Ben makes three or four mentions of Evie and the survey. Say what you like about Susan (and I usually do) but she can latch on to certain things – she tells listeners that Ben was mentioning Evie and that the barn at Brookfield can be hired for weddings and engagement parties. She then goes on to play Donny Osmond’s ‘Puppy Love’ for the pair, which makes Ben’s toes curl up as he writhes with embarrassment. You’d like to think that Evie would tell Ben to take a hike, but she found the whole thing amusing and asked him to meet for a coffee the following day; coming back from which liaison was when Ben spotted the awol Herefords.

 

It wasn’t all good for Ben – he rang Ruairi to see what he’s doing for his 18th birthday, to hear that one of Ruairi’s schoolfriends has organised (and his father is paying for) a two-day hotel stay with the opportunity to meet and greet some well-known comedian. I don’t know if the comedian was a real person (I suspect not – but if I’m wrong, I apologise) but Ben was all for it. Imagine his disappointment then when Ruairi reveals that they only have three tickets and the three will be Ruairi, Troy (whose father is paying for this) and Munster (another schoolmate). Tough luck Ben.

 

If I were Ruairi, I would try and break the world record for being drunk for the longest time, as apart from the aforementioned event, his 18thwould appear to be a shoo-in for ‘the world’s most boring 18th birthday’ award. Consider: Rooooth asks Ben what is Ruairi’s shirt size, as that is what she is considering buying him? Ben is horrified and tells his mother “Ruairi is going to be 18, not 80.” He also adds that Ruairi will have enough problems, as Jennifer’s idea of a good time is to host a dinner party for Ruairi, consisting of her, Brian, Ruairi and Ben (lucky boy!). Look Ruairi – aged 18 you can drink legally and Brian is renowned for the quality of his cellar, so why not see how much of it you can drink?

 

What else is happening? At Lower Loxley, Lily is frustrated because Freddie won’t tell her his plans for the Christmas extravaganza that he is supposed to be directing. Elizabeth is not interested, as she has a meeting with the Trustees of L-L. After the meeting, Bernard (the Chairman of the Trustees) asks for a word with Elizabeth. He is concerned that Freddie will be organising the Christmas show – his drugs conviction might count against him, as producing the show could leave Lower Loxley with ‘reputational damage’ if it is a commercial failure.

 

The time is approaching, Bernard reminds Elizabeth, when the Trustees will have to decide whether Freddie is the “right person to become custodian of Lower Loxley” and “this will be a very public test of his capabilities.” Now, excuse my ignorance, and I know I am a peasant, but who are these people? How can they decide who should inherit the stately pile? I thought Freddie was a nailed-on certainty as eldest son (but not the eldest child, I believe – I think Lily was first-born by a few minutes) so who are these people?

 

Elizabeth is a tad miffed at the slur on her son and assures Bernard that Freddie has it all in hand. Well, good luck with that Elizabeth – I wouldn’t bet my mortgage (or my stately home) on Freddie’s directorial abilities. Having said that, I have little doubt that, should Freddie either have no ideas, or get into organisational difficulties, he could appeal to Lynda, who will pull his chestnuts out of the fire.

 

We learnt of a (to me, at least) new character, when Susan went to see Alice; taking her a veggie chilli (which Susan described as ‘a failed experiment’ – this perhaps explains Alice’s lack of enthusiasm at the gift). Alice wants to be left alone – she is suffering badly with morning sickness – but Susan is oblivious to the icy atmosphere and wheedles her way in. 

 

The talk turns to Susan’s late mother, Ivy (who died nine years ago) and there are tears from both women when they swap memories. Susan also talks about her brother, Stewart, who was – to be charitable – an alcoholic. She says that he could never realise the hurt and damage that he was causing people. “Not like you or me, eh Alice?” Susan asks. 

 

Alice is having a hard time with Jennifer, who also suffered from morning sickness. Jennifer drives Alice home from the office after the latter threw up over the shoes of a client during an interview. Jennifer says that Alice is doing everything right; eating healthily, looking after herself, etc., but perhaps she should seek advice from her GP or Midwife. Alice replies that this is something she has to sort out on her own. 

 

Over at Brookfield, we have had the discussion about where they can find the extra land needed for expansion of Josh’s egg business and for the expansion of the dairy herd. The family consensus was that, if they turned the Fairbrothers out of Hollowtree, that would give them the extra capacity they need – Josh could move his extra fowls into Hollowtree and Pip would benefit from the land that Josh would otherwise need, to graze her expanded dairy herd.

 

Someone needs to tell the Fairbrothers that they are living on borrowed time, so Pip goes to see Rex. Rex isn’t happy, but he appreciates it when Pip says that she opposed the idea. Now Toby needs to be told, and when Pip goes to see him, it becomes evident that he already knows – Rex has phoned him – and he is quite sanguine about it; saying that it is Brookfield’s land to do with as they wish. One might suggest that this might be because it is easier to find somewhere else to relocate a Gin Still, rather than a herd of pigs (is that the correct collective noun?) but Pip is grateful, and shows this by asking Toby if he could have Rosie for an extra hour, as she has to go and help round up some errant cows.

 

As the week ends, Rex goes to see Pip and he says that he sees things more clearly now – he has learnt (from Toby) that Brookfield needs Hollowtree so that Josh can expand his egg business – a bitter Rex remembers how Josh swanned off to Thailand, leaving Rex to try and explain to police about the irregularities about the former’s farm machinery business, not to mention Josh selling Rex (albeit unwittingly) a stolen trailer.

 

His bitterness was intensified when Toby told him that Pip would also benefit by being able to expand the dairy herd – Rex thinks he has been stitched up and calls Pip a hypocrite; she never really stood up for him over the Hollowtree decision. Pip explains that this was a business decision and Rex should stop wallowing in self pity and get a grip. In an icy tone, Rex says please be sure to give the proper notice when they move Josh in, won’t you? 

 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that this bodes very well for the future of the Ambridge Rewilding consortium, do you?