Potential conflict at The Bull? Jolene gets a message from Elizabeth; the peacocks and peahens have had chicks and Lizzie is looking for somewhere to rehome them - would Jolene and Kenton like one? The answer to this is ’yes please’ (Jolene) and ’thanks, but no thanks, sis’ (Kenton). Jolene admits that she misses Eccles - the pub peacock that Kenton fatally ran over - and a replacement would be a good idea. Kenton, too, misses Eccles, but in his case, it’s more the early morning screaming and, quite frankly, he can get along without that din. “The Bull is a peacock-free zone” he texts his sister.
Jolene has already said ‘yes’ and Elizabeth is confused; especially when Jolene tells her to ignore Kenton’s opinion. Kenton suspects collusion between his wife and his sister, but is confident that he can thwart their plans. “Let the peacock wars begin,” he says, confidently.
I’m surprised that he and Jolene have the time for this sort of thing, as they are not exactly beating customers off with sticks. True, they are operating a delivery service, but a couple of ciders for Sabrina Thwaite is not going to keep the wolf from the door for long. Also, the furniture in and outside the pub has been rearranged with screens on most tables and strict attention being paid to social distancing.
Let’s leave the peacock situation for the moment (I know there’s only so much excitement you can stand) and look for a moment at Sgt Harrison Burns. He is on the horns of a dilemma, as he has been invited by Susan Carter to appear on her Radio Borsetshire programme to talk about rural policing. He accepted (with the blessing of his superior) and only then realised that the date of the show was the day that he and Fallon had set aside as their ‘date night’. He is working all the hours God sends and has hardly seen his wife much in recent weeks, so he suspects that she will not be doing handsprings when she learns of the clash.
Sgt Burns has other problems; notably that sod-all (well, sod-all of any interest) happens in Ambridge, so what will he talk about? Take today - he is on his way to sort out a dispute between neighbours over a hedge. Mrs Lynch accidentally removed some of her neighbour’s hedge and he retaliated by cutting into her topiary. SgtB thinks that he has mediated the dispute, and is getting ready to leave when he sees Mrs Lynch pick up the hedge trimmer for, presumably, another round of garden-related antagonism. He tells her (again) to put the trimmer away. How can he make this sort of incident sound gripping, or even slightly interesting, on radio?
We can help here - let’s imagine a sexed-up version of the story, as it could be related by Sgt Burns: “My tyres squealed in protest as I swung into Windy Ridge. I took in the situation with a single glance - Lynch was threatening her neighbour with the hedge trimmer; I noted that it was plugged in and I could see that the circuit breaker was switched on. I motioned to the other squad cars to stay back; this was something I had to handle myself. ‘Put the hedge trimmer down and move away from the Leylandii’ I said in a calm voice, spreading my arms wide so that she could see that I was unarmed. It was now a battle of wills and I never let my gaze waver, as I slowly approached her. She faltered and I moved forward and unplugged the extension lead - another crisis had been averted. My colleagues, the spectators - and, yes, I myself - breathed again.”
But back to reality (or such as it is in Ambridge). Kenton cannot understand why SgtB was picked to go on the radio when there were more obvious candidates - such as the landlord of a local hostelry and whose first name begins with K - available. As it is, Kenton gives Harrison the benefit of his experience in handling the media, which, to be blunt, amounts to very little.
However, I know you are desperate for the latest news on the Peacock War (I think it merit’s the initial capital letters). Jolene has stolen a march on Kenton by letting it be known on social media that The Bull will be getting a replacement peacock and, furthermore, there is a competition to choose a name for the new bird, with a prize for the winner. If Kenton had his way, the prize would be a roast peacock dinner.
But Kenton isn’t beaten yet and he formulates a strategy to thwart his wife - he will appear to agree with getting a new bird - even better, he will volunteer to construct an aviary for it, thus ensuring that it doesn’t wander off. The cunning part of this plan is that he will specify materials that are on extremely long deliveries - I remember avocado wood (16 weeks), but for all I know, he could also have ordered panda fur and unicorn tails as well. It doesn’t take long for Jolene to see through this and she mutters to herself “very clever - shame that I’m one step ahead of you; I just need to make a few calls.”
The upshot is that she has had 175 suggestions for names (‘John’ was a particularly unimaginative one - presumably sent in by someone called John, do you reckon?) and Kenton is startled when brother Dave turns up with a shedload of wood, ordered by Jolene and dumped outside the pub, so that Kenton can get on with constructing the aviary.
As we have just mentioned David, let’s examine his part in last week’s stories. It wasn’t the best of weeks for him, as he was waiting around for Josh’s latest hen house to be delivered and he got a message that it wouldn’t be first thing, as had been promised, but sometime on a day whose name ended in a Y at some unspecified time in the future. David was at a loss to understand what was so important about delivering eggs that his eldest son couldn’t be at Brookfield to oversee his own delivery. Perhaps you should have asked him that before you let him go, David.
Things took a turn for the worse when Brian phoned up - he was on the combine, harvesting the barley, when he ploughed into a pile of fly-tipped rubbish. This included some glass and it turned out that particles of glass were found in the harvested grain and the whole batch will have to be dumped. To rub salt into the wound, as the landowner, David is responsible for clearing up the mess, which he does, amid much grumbling.
If he can find out who dumped the rubbish, he vows, he will empty his slurry pit through their kitchen window. But then he has a stroke of luck - there is a junk mail envelope with a name on it and Hercule Archer is on the scent and goes round to confront the miscreant.
It was not a very satisfactory confrontation, as the name was that of Joy Horville and, as David went through his well-rehearsed speech about fly tipping, it became obvious that she didn’t have a clue what he was talking about - she had been approached (“by a very nice man”) who had agreed to take her domestic rubbish away and then disposed of it illegally. Joy was distraught at all the trouble that had been caused and, for his part, David felt a bit of a heel for upsetting her. Later on, he did think it was hysterically funny that they were shouting to make themselves heard at a socially respectable distance. Joy even offered David a cupcake.
Another Archer who featured last week was Elizabeth, who is toying with the idea of getting into online dating and fills out a dating profile, which she sends to Jolene to check over. Jolene is pleased that Elizabeth has made this move, but she is not impressed with some of the answers, especially one that says ‘describe yourself in three words’.
Jolene says that it’s good to see Elizabeth is “getting her sparkle back” but J thinks that the profile could do with some pepping up. However, she describes Lizzie as “definitely my favourite Archer - and that includes Kenton” (bet he’d be pleased to hear that) and she sets to to add a little pizzazz to what appears to be an otherwise somewhat tedious document.
We learn later that Jolene’s three-word suggestion for a description of Lizzie is ‘Sophisticated - quietly wild’ and Elizabeth sends off the form, with just one amendment, when she deletes the bit about looking for excitement in the bedroom. We await reactions from possible suitors with interest - and no, Iftikar, don’t bother replying.
We return to SgtB’s radio debut. Kenton is listening in The Bull and, when SGtB comes on the air, Kenton says “Come on Harrison; knock ‘em dead, son.” However, it does not go well to start with, as Harrison, much to Kenton’s disgust, plays down rural policing. He than talks about why he got into policing - it appears that he was badly bullied at secondary school and it was only when he went to 6th form college that he blossomed and got some confidence back, branching out into acting and singing.
He vowed that he would never ignore anyone in trouble, as he knows what it’s like to be powerless. This is why he joined the police - he “could give a voice to the voiceless and power to the powerless.” Back at The Bull, Kenton is impressed, saying: “Honest, vulnerable and brave - good on yer, mate; what was I thinking? You didn’t need me.”
Kenton wasn’t the only one to be impressed, as callers to the radio station ask if they can do some front door applause for Harrison after the show? “Of course we can” mutters Kenton and urges everyone to gather on the village green and applaud their local copper. This they do, and Kenton leads the clapping. He then says that he’ll move the wood into the beer garden and start on constructing the aviary. Then he’ll “help Jolene pick the winning name for our precious peacock - who knows; I might even learn to love the thing.”
Back in the studio, Harrison, who has been wracked by worries all week about his relationship with Fallon - they have not been talking since he double booked their date night with the radio broadcast - finishes his broadcast by paying tribute “to my beautiful wife” who has had to put up with his long hours and extended absences. He calls her “amazing” and that he loves her more than ever. As he leaves the studio, he is aware of the sound of clapping and realises that it is in his honour. Even better for Harrison, he sees that Fallon is enthusiastically joining in the applause and she is grinning widely, with just the hint of a tear in her eye.
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