Should Make For A Cosy Working Atmosphere In The Dairy

Charlotte Martin (Susan Carter)

Like Brian Aldridge’s long-buried pesticides, the news about the split between Ed and Emma is gradually spilling out. Susan is being driven to distraction because Emma has taken to her room at Ambridge View and not telling anyone (by which I mean Susan) what’s going on. That’s not strictly true, as Emma seems to be confiding in Auntie Tracy, which annoys Susan even more.

Never mind – Susan hatches what she probably thinks is a cunning plan and books a table for two at The Bull for Emma’s birthday on Wednesday, the idea being that Emma and Ed both turn up and start chatting, finally realising that it’s all a big fuss over nothing and they kiss and make up, walking off hand-in-hand, into the sunset. How could it fail? The answer to that is ‘pretty easily’, as Lilian tells Susan later that neither of them actually turned up for the meal.

Meanwhile, Tracy is getting snide remarks from Susan because she (Tracy) refuses to pass on any information about what Emma is telling her (“I’m not a snitch”). Eventually, Tracy is goaded by her sister calling her a stranger to the truth and says “You want the truth?” and the whole story about Ed and the hookey pesticides comes out. Just before this, Clarrie meets Susan hanging out washing, when she is bringing back one of Keira’s books. Susan admits that she is a bit down and Clarrie says “if you ever want to talk…” Susan is touched and says “What would I do without you, Clarrie?”

Good question Susan, and one which looks like it could be quickly answered as, soon after being told about Ed’s illegal activities, Susan shoots off to Grange Farm. “I’m gonna tell him exactly what I think of him!” she yells back to Neil. At the farm, Susan goes into rant mode and implies that Eddie and Clarrie must have known what was going on and why didn’t they stop Ed? Clarrie tells her that they had only just found out, but there’s no stopping Susan, as she raves that she’s glad Emma and Ed didn’t go to The Bull, as she doesn’t want them to get back together and Ed should clear off a long way from Ambridge.

Clarrie is starting to get annoyed and asks where does Susan think he should go? She also says that Emma and Ed’s business is between them and everyone else should leave it to them to sort out. Susan then turns to the grandchildren, saying “they might be Grundys by name but don’t you worry – we’ll make sure they know right from wrong.” Presumably this will be done with flash cards, saying things like ‘Clive Horrobin – evil’.

Clarrie gasps at this, but Susan hasn’t finished and asks “What will they [the children] think if Ed goes to prison?” Clarrie then delivers the killing line when she replies “I don’t know – what did Emma and Chris think when you were inside?” Susan says that she thought Clarrie was her friend, but Clarrie points out that she didn’t go round Susan’s shouting and screaming at her front door, did she? “Your son is a waste of space and you should be ashamed” Susan tells her, but Clarrie says she will never be ashamed of her boy and tells Susan to get off her property, which is a bit rich, as they are renting it from Oliver. Susan goes, but not before saying “I don’t want anything to do with you – ever again!”

Ladies and gentlemen, that roaring noise you can hear is that of bridges being burnt and, as this week’s blog title says, it could be a bit frosty in the dairy on Monday. 

This all kicked off on Friday, which was not one of Ed’s better days, to be fair. He and dad Eddie were just about to take the van to remove the pesticide from the pole barn when they discover that the van has – well, has vanished. Ed immediately suspects Tim, who originally sold Eddie the van cheaply as a favour to Ed. They notice tyre tracks. “I hope the barn’s OK” says Ed, as they rush over to it, only to find that all the stuff is gone. Eddie says that this could be a good thing, as it puts Ed in the clear. Actually, if you think about it, the person who’s come out ahead of the game is Tim – not only does he have the van and the pesticides, but Eddie bought the van off him in the first place – win, win, win!

Saturday was fete day. Susan wasn’t going to go and run the tombola stall, as there would be a lot of people there, asking her questions about Emma, Ed and their new house. Never mind Susan – do what you normally do and just keep talking over them until they give up, exhausted. As it turned out, Susan did run the tombola stall.

Not everything went according to plan – the live feeds from Grey Gables and Lower Loxley did not work very well, so few people actually saw Hugh (Lower Loxley) beat Ian in the soufflé competition. Oh yes, the band fronted by Tiggy (for whom Ben has the hots) never turned up either, but Lynda had prepared for just such an eventuality by having the Hollerton Silver Band waiting in the wings. There was a nice moment too when Lynda, who had stood in for Alan on the ‘Dunk the Vicar’ stall, began to read some pretentious garbage to the crowd waiting to see her get soaked. People are throwing balls, but the mechanism appears to be stuck and Lynda remained unmoistened until someone (I think it was Susan) asked ‘what does this lever do?’ and Lynda sank, sadly not without trace.

Congratulations to PC Burns on making sergeant in his exams. PCB, or, as I suppose we will have to refer to him now as SgtB, was in The Bull, trying to get a celebratory drink – as usual, nobody appeared to be serving – when he was approached by Jakob, the vet. Jakob was worried, as Kate had sent him a text, offering him ‘special extra services’ and ‘group sessions’. Jakob thinks that she should be more careful how she phrases her e-mails and texts. SgtB runs into Kate and mentions what Jacob had told him. Incensed, Kate bursts in on Jakob at his surgery and asks him what is he playing at and she has a good mind to sue him for defamation. Jakob goes on the defensive (he is with a client) and tries to make Kate think that it was all a mistake. I worry about where this storyline is going – as we said last week, a more unlikely couple would be hard to imagine and Jakob has never done me any harm, so I hope he can avoid Kate’s evil clutches. He did tell Alistair that his shoulder felt a bit better after Kate gave him a free massage (pointedly indicating the ‘gratuities’ box – Jakob never took the hint) which is a bit of a worry.

While SgtB was in The Bull, he was approached by Jazzer, who asked if there had been any progress in the matter of Harold Jayston. The news is not good – not only was it a long time ago, but without witnesses, or indeed the person who was abused, giving evidence, the chances of success are slim Harrison tells Jazzer. Jazzer wants to see the paedophile punished and he leaves the pub, telling Harrison that, if he wants more evidence, then he (Jazzer) will get it. “Don’t do anything silly” SgtB shouts after the retreating Scotsman’s back. As if!

Oliver has returned from Italy with the news that he is going to adopt a more hands-on attitude towards Grey Gables. In that case, says Lynda, would he like to join her and Roy in interviewing for the new assistant receptionist next week? Not only would he like to, but he asks her to add a couple more people to the short list – their CVs will be with her later that day. Lynda is taken aback – the closing date is long gone and she protests mildly until Oliver gently reminds her that she is the receptionist, while he owns the place, so please do it. And by the way, the two new candidates are Freddie Pargetter and Tracy Horrobin.

If Lynda was taken aback before, she is positively gobsmacked by this news and questions what relevant experience – if any – either of them has. Oliver says that he saw Tracy defuse a potentially difficult situation in The Bull, when she intervened in a hen party that was getting out of hand. Rumours that she picked a partygoer up with one hand and said ‘OK bitch; pick a window’ before ejecting her were apparently unfounded. Like Lynda, I’m finding it hard to imagine Tracy fitting in at Grey Gables.

One or two loose ends – the winner of the Art Project was chosen at random by Alan and announced by Shula. It turned out to be her nephew Freddie, which immediately led to accusations of nepotism and Philistinism. As Shula said to Alistair at the Stables the following day, the Project was supposed to unite people, to which he replies that she has certainly achieved that, as everybody is blaming her.

Kirsty and Philip are looking round their new home - she has just started her new job with the wildlife trust and is loving it and the only thing spoiling her happiness is realising that Ed and Emma have lost their house. Never mind, says Philip; enjoy the moment and he sweeps Kirsty off her feet and tries to carry her over the threshold. Unfortunately, in doing so he does his neck in and is forced to take time off work, which drives him mad.

Never mind – perhaps he could take advantage of one of Kate’s special massages. By the way, I’d like to thank my friend Karen for informing me that, among the Twitterati, following Kate’s offering of special services, apparently ‘Spiritual Home’ is now known as ‘Dirty Yurts’.

Let us end with Eddie and Ed and a ‘pot and kettle’ moment. Ed has confessed everything about Tim and the pesticides and Eddie bursts out “How could you be such a bloody idiot?” Wouldn’t you have paid good money to hear Ed say ‘I don’t know dad; I think it must be something genetic’?