Pip Is Told To Get Off The Fence

Daisy Badger (Pip Archer)

Excitement in Ambridge reached fever pitch last week, with ‘pitch’ being the operative word, as the finalists who have fought their way through to the presentation stage of the ACT are paraded in front of the judges. The presentations are being honed and finely-tuned and, if the excitement isn’t exactly intense, then there is at least a feeling of expectation in the air.

It means a lot of hard work for those submitting their plans, especially for Pip Archer, who is deeply involved with Rex and Phoebe and their ‘Rewilding of Ambridge’ project. We are not given full details, but I think we can assume that we are not talking re-introducing beavers to the Am or packs of wolves to the Millennium Wood here. Phoebe, Rex and Pip meet to put the finishing touches to their presentation and it swiftly becomes apparent that Pip’s mind is elsewhere and she is continually receiving  e-mails from her mother.

Phoebe eventually asks what’s going on and Pip reveals that, as well as the rewilding project, she is also working on the ‘Low Carbon Brookfield’ offering from David and Rooooth. Pip surprises her project partners when she says that her parents don’t know about the rewilding project and Phoebe says that they have a right to know, surely? She goes further and says that, if Pip hasn’t told them by Friday - the day of the pitches - then she (Phoebe) - will.

Phoebe is trying - unsuccessfully - to pump Peggy for information and Peggy expresses surprise that some people (Pip) are involved in more than one bid. Pip does bite the bullet on Thursday and tells her parents about the rewilding project and her part in it. Rooooth and David go ever so slightly bananas and ask their daughter what the hell is she playing at? We learn later that they told Pip to make her choice - rewilding or low carbon Brookfield - and she plumped for rewilding, which should lead to some interesting conversations on the farm over the next week or two, especially if Pip progresses at the expense of Brookfield.

There is a good turnout for the presentations, where we learn that Tom and Natasha’s ‘Orchard Village’ plan also made it through. Adam’s proposition was well received and Rooooth’s effort was recognised as ‘passionate’, although Tom wonders if it is innovative enough. Both Tom and Adam are surprised to see Pip, Phoebe and Rex on the stage and, after their presentation, Peggy has a number of questions, one of which is how much land do they have for this project? The short answer is ‘none’, but I would submit that, if they were to win, £500,000 will buy a fair-sized plot.

Nothing was decided on the night, but Peggy says that the judges will consider their decision over the next 10 days. The meeting breaks up and Adam asks Tom which pitch he thought was the best? Tom replies that Rooooth was really fired up and it looks like Brookfield is the one to beat.

Over at Ambridge View, Emma is getting ready to sell the stuff she had accumulated, preparing for the move into her and Ed’s new house - a move that never happened. Ed approaches Will and bungs him £100, asking his brother to use the money to buy up anything that might be left over at the end of the day, and not to tell Emma. He does so, including the up-cycled coffee table that Emma loved so much.

Earlier in the day, Shula and Jazzer are talking at the shop. “Poor Emma” says Shula and she is taken to task by Susan, who, as usual, grasps the wrong end of the stick, saying that Emma doesn’t need their pity. Shula says that she and Jazzer were talking out of concern for Emma, but Susan says that the last thing Emma needs “is tittle tattle spreading round the village.” This is all too much for Shula, who exclaims “This is ridiculous. How can I put this? Being told off for gossiping by you is like being hit by a stone that’s been thrown from a very large glass house.” Not a very Christian sentiment from a would-be vicar, to be sure, but 100% accurate, nevertheless.

At the yard sale later, Susan apologises for being a bit off earlier, but she is pleased because Shula has bought four brandy glasses. The sale is a complete success (although Emma didn’t seem to be charging much) and there is nothing left. Emma sees this as a metaphor for her empty life, saying “maybe it’s what I deserve, because right now I feel that I am nothing.”

Ed and Jazzer meet up for a pint and Ed reveals that it was he who finished things with Emma because he realised that he couldn’t make her happy. “Emma’s not the problem - I am.” Ed tells Jazzer, adding that he isn’t eating or sleeping properly. Jazzer responds by telling Ed not to give up - “you two are meant to be together” he tells his friend.

Someone for whom life appears to be looking up is Tracy Horrobin, the newly-taken-on assistant receptionist at Grey Gables. On her first day, she is told off by Lynda (who else?) for chewing gum and is exhorted by Lynda to give guests (never ’customers’) a bright smile.

Actually, Lynda is being given continual grief by an extremely disgruntled guest, who is having troubles with the air conditioning. Roy has had a look at it, plus an engineer has been called out to look at it, but the guest is not satisfied and, as Tracy tells Lynda later, he has written an e-mail of complaint to Oliver. Tracy says that she persuaded the man not to send it and she went to his room to check on the aircon. It turned out that he was turning the knob the wrong way and Tracy shows how much she has progressed in the area of customer service when she refrains from calling the guest a ’muppet’. It also suggests that the engineer (or Roy, come to that) isn’t up to much.

Lynda is currently preoccupied because Lilian has recruited her for her ersatz-Eggheads ’Brainboxes’ quiz team, which will take on all-comers at The Bull. Lynda mentions this to Jim and there is immediate rivalry as to who should be captain. Jim’s knowledge of things classical is unrivalled, while Lynda is strong on literature, so they agree to set each other five questions on their specialist subjects. It finishes five-all and they agree that perhaps the team doesn’t need a captain after all.

Lilian has identified a problem with her quiz team, in that it is obvious that there are wide gaps in her Brainboxes’ knowledge. She gives Jim some box sets of reality TV shows to watch and he is appalled by what he sees - he cannot bear to pollute his mind with such garbage! Eventually he negotiates a deal whereby, if he does pollute his mind with reality rubbish, he wants some reward - say free coffee in The Bull for a month? Lilian agrees readily, saying that it could be cheap at half the price.

Will continues to be obsessed with the health of daughter Poppy, who is suffering from chickenpox and who will shortly be given a season ticket to A&E and a solo ward with a revolving door, given the number of times that he has dragged his daughter to hospital. In vain do the doctors tell him that it’s chickenpox, and the same is true when Clarrie bangs his head against the wall and says ‘It’s-chickenpox-so-go-home.’ Will’s response is that it could be sepsis and what do the doctors know - have they ever seen sepsis? 

Clarrie points out that the doctors have been trained to detect things like this and you can tell that they are doctors, as they have things like stethoscopes, x-rays and medicines. However, this does nothing to set Will’s mind at rest and he bundles Poppy into the car for the by-now-familiar trip to hospital when he thinks that she is looking a trifle poorly, or when she yawns or scratches or complains about feeling tired. Will isn’t helping himself by refusing to go to work until he is positive that Poppy is fully recovered.

We had a rather surreal story at the end of the week, when Susan and Neil have been invited to the Aldridges for dinner. Susan admits to son Chris that she and Neil haven’t been getting on too well recently, after he accused her of gossiping - something which was backed up by Shula. Susan, exhibiting a remarkable capacity for self-delusion, says she cannot believe that people think she cannot be trusted with their personal information. Personally, I wouldn’t trust Susan with my postcode. “But what if I’m simply the village gossip?” Susan asks her son. What does she mean ‘if’?

The dinner goes surprisingly well and, talking of surprises, Brian is very open with Neil, telling him that he has seen a letter on the printer, from a woman, saying that she would like more ‘marital relations’. Brian believes the letter is from Jennifer and - and I find this totally out of character - Brian asks Neil what should he do? Neil suggests that Brian initiates ‘something a little different’ (bedroom scuba diving, perhaps?).

So it is that Jen comes into the bedroom and she must feel that there’s been a power cut, as the place is awash with candles - what’s going on? Brian tells her about the letter and Jen bursts out laughing, saying that, far from writing the letter, she is the new Agony Aunt for the Westbury Courier. This causes Brian to get a bit frisky, but fortunately a veil is swiftly drawn over the scene.

Over at Ambridge View, Susan says it was a nice evening, to which Neil replies that he’s noticed that she hasn’t been herself over the past few days (that’ll be a marked improvement then). Susan says that there was some truth in what Neil said about her the other day - what? Only some truth? - but she cannot help being interested in what’s going on around her, so, as the main shopkeeper, she will have to have a front row seat at the Ambridge Conservation Trust tomorrow night, so that she will be able to tell people who are interested exactly what is going on.

By the way, that banging noise you can hear is Neil Carter hitting his head against the bedroom wall.

Is Oliver Inspired, Or Has He Lost The Plot?

Michael Cochrane (Oliver Sterling)

Monday is the day of interviews at Grey Gables for the post of assistant receptionist and Lynda is at her sniffiest best when she talks to Tracy before the latter’s interview - is that what she’s wearing? There are also pointed references to Tracy’s lack of experience. And not just Tracy, as Freddie Pargetter was also selected for an interview and his experience is even less than Tracy’s, if indeed that were possible.

Lynda wasn’t included in the interview process, leaving that to Oliver and Roy, but she made it clear that she expected Roy to do the decent thing. All to no avail, as Roy tells her that Tracy has been offered the job and, what’s worse from Lynda’s point of view, Oliver wants Lynda to be Tracy’s mentor. Lynda calls Roy weak - “How could you?” she says, in a voice full of anguish. For her part, Tracy describes herself as ‘gobsmacked’ and, I must admit, I was somewhat surprised myself and the title of this week’s blog reflects my feelings. It could either be a really inspired move by Oliver, or alternatively, the beginning of the end for Grey Gables. Freddie wasn’t hired, by the way.

With Ed having been sacked, Home Farm is one man down on getting the harvest in - before long, they are also one tractor down as Brian, standing in for Ed, is thrashing his machine and it eventually grinds to a halt. The solution is to see if Josh has a machine available - he has, but he insists on driving it himself, having heard what Brian did to the spare tractor. Brian has a moan because Josh got commission on selling Home Farm’s other tractor and now they are having to hire a machine from Josh, as well as paying him to drive it. Perhaps you should have been a bit more careful, Brian.

Over at the cricket, Alice and Chris discuss the situation between Kate and Jakob. Alice is convinced that Kate is interested in Jakob, despite her denials and she and Chris hatch a plan to set up a meeting between the pair. The story is that Kate should go on a blind date with a mythical friend of Chris’s and she agrees that perhaps the best way to get Jakob out of her head is to meet someone else.

The meeting is arranged for Thursday and Kate and Jakob soon realise that they have been set up. Kate is all for going to give Alice a piece of her mind, but Jakob suggests that they could stay “to spoil their joke.” He also offers to pay for the meal, by way of apology for the misunderstanding last week and Kate, who is no slouch when it comes to taking advantage, agrees readily.

The couple seem to be getting on well, despite the fact that they spend most of the time teasing each other, and they open another bottle of wine. Kate calls Jakob “self-absorbed”, while he suggests that she has “more baggage than Terminal 5”. Nevertheless, they are enjoying themselves and we’ve never heard Jakob speak so much.

Things were starting to look a little brighter for Jim - Lilian tells him of her plans to shake up the pub quiz, by having a team of quiz experts (the ‘Brainboxes’) take on all comers for a cash prize, similar to the Eggheads. Lilian invites Jim to be one of the contestants, but he declines until Lilian says ok, she’s sure Robert Snell will take Jim’s place, at which Jim says give him a few days to think about it.

Jim tells Alistair that he’s thinking of joining the team and his son is delighted at Jim’s progress and his willingness to face a crowd again. This mood of optimism is spoiled when Jazzer reveals that he has talked to SgtB about Harold Jayston, without revealing Jim’s identity. Jim is very upset - he was slowly getting back to normality and now Jazzer has brought the whole thing crashing down again. Jim feels betrayed by Jazzer and he escapes to the bird hide, saying that he wants to be left completely alone. As Jim leaves, Alistair tells Jazzer that they are pretty much back to square one.

Jazzer’s not one to give up easily, though, and he goes to see Shula. Has she got the addresses of those who attended Jim’s party, as he would like to write to them and thank them for coming. Shula quickly sees through this ploy (Jazzer’s mistake was in saying that he could write, if you ask me) and questions Jazzer’s motives, telling him that she knows about Harold Jayston. If Jazzer got HJ’s address, what would he do? Jazzer doesn’t know, but says that he wants some kind of justice. 

Emma eventually leaves the sanctuary of her room at Ambridge View and goes for a walk outside the village, hoping not to run into anybody. No such luck, as the first person she sees is Will, followed shortly after by Clarrie. It turns out that Poppy has developed chickenpox and Emma offers to bring round some of the lotion that they used for Keira. She leaves it on Will’s doorstep, but he spots her and invites her in for a cuppa. Emma gives him some tips to stop Poppy scratching and the atmosphere is amicable. Will suggests that, despite what’s going on, he and Emma can still be friends, can’t they? “I hope so - right now I need a friend” Emma replies.

Will has a scare when Poppy seems to be getting worse and he takes her to A&E, where he is convinced that his daughter is in danger of contracting sepsis. Clarrie tries to persuade him that the doctors have the situation in hand, but he is not convinced, despite the fact that Clarrie insists that Poppy will be better off in her own bed. Will says he will call Martyn Gibson and tell him that he won’t be going back to work; “I won’t be leaving Poppy’s side until I know she’s better; nothing’s more important that that.”

The atmosphere between Clarrie and Susan is extremely toxic with the two women barely speaking to each other. Their inability to get on leads to a batch of curds being dropped, because Susan wouldn’t get out of the way. Helen gives them a right bollocking and accuses them of being unprofessional. Clarrie says that she doesn’t care if she and Susan never exchange another word, but they’ll have to work together, or they will both lose their jobs. Susan agrees, but adds that there’ll be no friendship - after what Clarrie said to Susan last week, friendship is dead in the water. Come on Susan, say what you mean.

Thursday was the day when the shortlist for Peggy’s Ambridge Conservation Trust was announced, with Lilian sending out e-mails on the dot of 10 am. Kate tries to find out before-hand (admittedly only a minute early) about the proposal submitted by her vegan friends. Peggy refuses to divulge any information, then, at 10 am, she tells Kate that their proposal didn’t make the cut. Kate is convinced that this is because they are vegans, but Peggy says no; it was because their proposal was shoddy.

Other people are also being kept in suspense and we eventually learn that Josh’s scheme was rejected, while Adam is through to the next round, as is the Brookfield proposal, much to David and Rooooth’s delight. 

Speaking of David, September 18^this his 60^thbirthday and his wife asks if he wants a big party, or a quiet celebration? He doesn’t care and will go with the flow, but, when it comes to a birthday present, what he would really like is tickets to a Dr. Feelgood gig. This comes as a surprise to Rooooth, who has never heard him express any interest in musical gigs in all the years she has known him. Perhaps he is embarking on a belated second childhood.

The situation between Emma and the Carters and Ed and the Grundys continues to deteriorate. Susan continues to complain that Emma is not confiding in her and this is neatly illustrated when Tracy turns up at Ambridge View, saying that she has brought along all the stuff for tonight. A bewildered Susan asks what stuff for tonight? Emma apologises, saying that she forgot to tell her mother that Tracy has organised a ‘girls’ night in’ with games to celebrate a ‘Shed Ed’ party. One of the games involves mixing your own cocktails with what’s available in the cupboard. The evening doesn’t end well, as they play another game (‘List your man’s shortcomings’), which results in Emma being reduced to floods of tears.

The next day, Susan is moaning that the house is a tip and that Tracy didn’t help to clear up. Meanwhile, Emma still isn’t confiding in her mother and Susan is becoming increasingly frustrated. “Why is everyone doing their best to ruin my relationship with my daughter?” Susan moans.

Neil comes in from work and is immediately assailed by his wife moaning (yes, I too could hardly credit it). He goes to get changed and leaves her chuntering on about how Ed has got a job as a drover for two days a week - Clarrie is feathering her nest, claims Susan and people are queuing up to give Ed work. Neil notices that she has her coat on, ready to go out.

Where is she going, Neil asks? Her answer is that people wouldn’t be so keen to give Ed work if they knew about his criminal activities and she is going to tell people about them. Neil goes slightly berserk and shouts at her to come back - doesn’t she realise that Ed could be arrested? “For God’s sake woman, what’s the matter with you?” he yells at Susan, adding “Think about George and Keira and what this could do to them.” Susan replies that they will need to learn the truth sometime, but Neil says this is not truth - it’s gossip. He then tears into his wife (about 25 years too late, I’d say), saying: “You are being spiteful.” And, talking about why Emma is talking to Tracy, rather than to her mother, Neil adds: “Why do you think you are always the last to know? You need to take a good, long look at yourself, Susan.” Amen to that, I say.

Should Make For A Cosy Working Atmosphere In The Dairy

Charlotte Martin (Susan Carter)

Like Brian Aldridge’s long-buried pesticides, the news about the split between Ed and Emma is gradually spilling out. Susan is being driven to distraction because Emma has taken to her room at Ambridge View and not telling anyone (by which I mean Susan) what’s going on. That’s not strictly true, as Emma seems to be confiding in Auntie Tracy, which annoys Susan even more.

Never mind – Susan hatches what she probably thinks is a cunning plan and books a table for two at The Bull for Emma’s birthday on Wednesday, the idea being that Emma and Ed both turn up and start chatting, finally realising that it’s all a big fuss over nothing and they kiss and make up, walking off hand-in-hand, into the sunset. How could it fail? The answer to that is ‘pretty easily’, as Lilian tells Susan later that neither of them actually turned up for the meal.

Meanwhile, Tracy is getting snide remarks from Susan because she (Tracy) refuses to pass on any information about what Emma is telling her (“I’m not a snitch”). Eventually, Tracy is goaded by her sister calling her a stranger to the truth and says “You want the truth?” and the whole story about Ed and the hookey pesticides comes out. Just before this, Clarrie meets Susan hanging out washing, when she is bringing back one of Keira’s books. Susan admits that she is a bit down and Clarrie says “if you ever want to talk…” Susan is touched and says “What would I do without you, Clarrie?”

Good question Susan, and one which looks like it could be quickly answered as, soon after being told about Ed’s illegal activities, Susan shoots off to Grange Farm. “I’m gonna tell him exactly what I think of him!” she yells back to Neil. At the farm, Susan goes into rant mode and implies that Eddie and Clarrie must have known what was going on and why didn’t they stop Ed? Clarrie tells her that they had only just found out, but there’s no stopping Susan, as she raves that she’s glad Emma and Ed didn’t go to The Bull, as she doesn’t want them to get back together and Ed should clear off a long way from Ambridge.

Clarrie is starting to get annoyed and asks where does Susan think he should go? She also says that Emma and Ed’s business is between them and everyone else should leave it to them to sort out. Susan then turns to the grandchildren, saying “they might be Grundys by name but don’t you worry – we’ll make sure they know right from wrong.” Presumably this will be done with flash cards, saying things like ‘Clive Horrobin – evil’.

Clarrie gasps at this, but Susan hasn’t finished and asks “What will they [the children] think if Ed goes to prison?” Clarrie then delivers the killing line when she replies “I don’t know – what did Emma and Chris think when you were inside?” Susan says that she thought Clarrie was her friend, but Clarrie points out that she didn’t go round Susan’s shouting and screaming at her front door, did she? “Your son is a waste of space and you should be ashamed” Susan tells her, but Clarrie says she will never be ashamed of her boy and tells Susan to get off her property, which is a bit rich, as they are renting it from Oliver. Susan goes, but not before saying “I don’t want anything to do with you – ever again!”

Ladies and gentlemen, that roaring noise you can hear is that of bridges being burnt and, as this week’s blog title says, it could be a bit frosty in the dairy on Monday. 

This all kicked off on Friday, which was not one of Ed’s better days, to be fair. He and dad Eddie were just about to take the van to remove the pesticide from the pole barn when they discover that the van has – well, has vanished. Ed immediately suspects Tim, who originally sold Eddie the van cheaply as a favour to Ed. They notice tyre tracks. “I hope the barn’s OK” says Ed, as they rush over to it, only to find that all the stuff is gone. Eddie says that this could be a good thing, as it puts Ed in the clear. Actually, if you think about it, the person who’s come out ahead of the game is Tim – not only does he have the van and the pesticides, but Eddie bought the van off him in the first place – win, win, win!

Saturday was fete day. Susan wasn’t going to go and run the tombola stall, as there would be a lot of people there, asking her questions about Emma, Ed and their new house. Never mind Susan – do what you normally do and just keep talking over them until they give up, exhausted. As it turned out, Susan did run the tombola stall.

Not everything went according to plan – the live feeds from Grey Gables and Lower Loxley did not work very well, so few people actually saw Hugh (Lower Loxley) beat Ian in the soufflé competition. Oh yes, the band fronted by Tiggy (for whom Ben has the hots) never turned up either, but Lynda had prepared for just such an eventuality by having the Hollerton Silver Band waiting in the wings. There was a nice moment too when Lynda, who had stood in for Alan on the ‘Dunk the Vicar’ stall, began to read some pretentious garbage to the crowd waiting to see her get soaked. People are throwing balls, but the mechanism appears to be stuck and Lynda remained unmoistened until someone (I think it was Susan) asked ‘what does this lever do?’ and Lynda sank, sadly not without trace.

Congratulations to PC Burns on making sergeant in his exams. PCB, or, as I suppose we will have to refer to him now as SgtB, was in The Bull, trying to get a celebratory drink – as usual, nobody appeared to be serving – when he was approached by Jakob, the vet. Jakob was worried, as Kate had sent him a text, offering him ‘special extra services’ and ‘group sessions’. Jakob thinks that she should be more careful how she phrases her e-mails and texts. SgtB runs into Kate and mentions what Jacob had told him. Incensed, Kate bursts in on Jakob at his surgery and asks him what is he playing at and she has a good mind to sue him for defamation. Jakob goes on the defensive (he is with a client) and tries to make Kate think that it was all a mistake. I worry about where this storyline is going – as we said last week, a more unlikely couple would be hard to imagine and Jakob has never done me any harm, so I hope he can avoid Kate’s evil clutches. He did tell Alistair that his shoulder felt a bit better after Kate gave him a free massage (pointedly indicating the ‘gratuities’ box – Jakob never took the hint) which is a bit of a worry.

While SgtB was in The Bull, he was approached by Jazzer, who asked if there had been any progress in the matter of Harold Jayston. The news is not good – not only was it a long time ago, but without witnesses, or indeed the person who was abused, giving evidence, the chances of success are slim Harrison tells Jazzer. Jazzer wants to see the paedophile punished and he leaves the pub, telling Harrison that, if he wants more evidence, then he (Jazzer) will get it. “Don’t do anything silly” SgtB shouts after the retreating Scotsman’s back. As if!

Oliver has returned from Italy with the news that he is going to adopt a more hands-on attitude towards Grey Gables. In that case, says Lynda, would he like to join her and Roy in interviewing for the new assistant receptionist next week? Not only would he like to, but he asks her to add a couple more people to the short list – their CVs will be with her later that day. Lynda is taken aback – the closing date is long gone and she protests mildly until Oliver gently reminds her that she is the receptionist, while he owns the place, so please do it. And by the way, the two new candidates are Freddie Pargetter and Tracy Horrobin.

If Lynda was taken aback before, she is positively gobsmacked by this news and questions what relevant experience – if any – either of them has. Oliver says that he saw Tracy defuse a potentially difficult situation in The Bull, when she intervened in a hen party that was getting out of hand. Rumours that she picked a partygoer up with one hand and said ‘OK bitch; pick a window’ before ejecting her were apparently unfounded. Like Lynda, I’m finding it hard to imagine Tracy fitting in at Grey Gables.

One or two loose ends – the winner of the Art Project was chosen at random by Alan and announced by Shula. It turned out to be her nephew Freddie, which immediately led to accusations of nepotism and Philistinism. As Shula said to Alistair at the Stables the following day, the Project was supposed to unite people, to which he replies that she has certainly achieved that, as everybody is blaming her.

Kirsty and Philip are looking round their new home - she has just started her new job with the wildlife trust and is loving it and the only thing spoiling her happiness is realising that Ed and Emma have lost their house. Never mind, says Philip; enjoy the moment and he sweeps Kirsty off her feet and tries to carry her over the threshold. Unfortunately, in doing so he does his neck in and is forced to take time off work, which drives him mad.

Never mind – perhaps he could take advantage of one of Kate’s special massages. By the way, I’d like to thank my friend Karen for informing me that, among the Twitterati, following Kate’s offering of special services, apparently ‘Spiritual Home’ is now known as ‘Dirty Yurts’.

Let us end with Eddie and Ed and a ‘pot and kettle’ moment. Ed has confessed everything about Tim and the pesticides and Eddie bursts out “How could you be such a bloody idiot?” Wouldn’t you have paid good money to hear Ed say ‘I don’t know dad; I think it must be something genetic’?

Emma Manages To Upset Nearly Everybody

Emerald O'Hanrahan (Emma Grundy)

One week to go until Ed and Emma exchange contracts on their new house and Emma is becoming increasingly desperate as the clock ticks down. For new readers, the problem is that Ed has been sacked from his job at Home farm and has five days to get another job. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t actually told any of the family - including his wife - that he has been sacked; in fact he gives her some garbage about restructuring at Home Farm and being let go.

Incensed, Emma marches straight off to see Adam and lets him have both barrels - how could Adam let Ed go at harvest time and when they need his wages so badly? When Emma pauses to draw breath, Adam tells her that he didn’t ‘let Ed go’ - he was in fact sacked for gross misconduct. Furthermore, by rights Adam should have told the police “so please don’t ask me to reconsider.” As a steaming Emma leaves, Brian says to Adam “Ed’s in real trouble now; did you see the look on her face?”

Brian is spot on, as Emma informs Ed that she will never, ever forgive him for humiliating her and making her look stupid. Ed tries to shift the blame on to Will for letting slip the dodgy pesticide business, but Emma says “don’t you dare blame Will” and “why are you so thick and so unbelievably stupid?” I think the clue is the Grundy surname, Emma.

Ed says that they will have to tell the mortgage company before they exchange, or it could be treated as fraud, but Emma says that they still have until Friday. In fact, she suggests that they don’t have to tell the company, as long as they keep up the payments - no one need know. Exactly how she plans to do this wasn’t explained and Ed has misgivings. I can see how this sudden onrush of honesty and probity on Ed’s part would grate on Emma - he lost his job through getting involved in the dodgy pesticide business (in fact, as far as I can remember, he still has a stash of the stuff in the pole barn) and is preaching about how wrong it would be to mislead the mortgage company.

Stuff that, is Emma’s reaction, and she embarks on a one-woman, money-raising blitz. First of all she tells Neil what Ed has done. Neil calls Ed an idiot, but agrees to talk to the bank about raising money. He can’t get an appointment until Wednesday and, when Emma moans about this being a bit late, Neil says that she cannot expect something to happen instantaneously. In the end, Neil manages to get £15,000 from the bank and rings Emma with ‘the good news’. She asks him why does he think it’s good news - it’s nowhere near enough. She doesn’t even thank him for trying.

By the time Thursday arrives, Emma has managed to raise £3,000 from Will (Ed goes spare when he finds out, but realises that he cannot turn the money down), £1,900 from her brother Chris and £320 from sister Tracy, who seemingly raided the kids’ piggy banks. Tracy tells Emma not to give up - “you’re a fighter; you’re one of us; you’re a Horrobin” she tells her sister. Emma reveals that she still has some sense of perspective when she replies “you’re making it worse.”

You cannot fault Emma for effort - she tried to get Fallon to offer Ed a ‘pretend’ contract so that he appears to be earning and they would pay her back. Fallon says that she cannot lie to HMRC and has Emma forgotten that her husband is a policeman? Emma then approaches Jim and asks him outright for money. He is shocked and calls it “an inappropriate request” and will forget that they ever had this conversation.

Next to be offended is Rooooth - Emma has learned that Kenton recently paid off his debt to Brookfield (or, rather, Peggy paid it off) so would Rooooth like to advance Emma and Ed a loan? No she wouldn’t and, furthermore, Brookfield’s finances are none of Emma’s business, so shove off.

You can imagine Emma going round the village, despondently ticking people off a list at each disappointment. Next up is Peggy Woolley, who politely but firmly turns Emma down. As the pair talk, Kate turns up, having taken Hilda Ogden to the vet’s. “Are you asking my grandmother for money?” Kate asks haughtily. “Bare-faced cheek” she adds, as Emma leaves in tears. Peggy says sharply that she doesn’t want to discuss the matter, but Kate bangs on about Emma trying to take advantage of Peggy’s good nature. “A lot of people try that” Peggy replies, leaving the phrase ’like you, for example, you freeloading waster’ unspoken. 

Emma is running out of options, not to mention people to tap up for money. She submits a job application for the post of assistant receptionist at Grey Gables to Lynda, who is a bit put out when she points out that the form is incomplete and hasn’t been signed. Wordlessly, Emma fills in the missing sections and signs it on Ed’s behalf. Lynda is taken aback, saying it’s all a bit irregular, but Emma isn’t listening, as she has just received a message from Neil - Keira has come down with chickenpox and neither he nor Clarrie can look after their grandchild that afternoon. Just time for Em to upset one last person, as Fallon offers her some of her shifts at the tearoom, but cannot look after Keira. Emma accuses her of not really wanting to help and they part, acrimoniously.

On Thursday, Ed cannot believe it when Emma tells him exactly how many people she has asked for money, including Oliver, who has not responded to her calls (he’s abroad, I believe). Emma finally loses it and calls her husband “gutless”. Ed reveals that he has got an interview next week at a care home. “We’ve just got to keep trying” says Emma.

Friday arrives and Ed says that they have got to tell the mortgage company. Emma begs him not to, but he says it would be fraud not to. Emma is unpacking, in tears, as Ed comes back. “We’ve lost the house” he says simply. “You lost it” Emma corrects him. Ed says that they should have realised that it was all too good to be true, but Emma is bitter and broken hearted, saying that they “grafted for every brick in that house” and “now we go back to being a charity case.” She is inconsolable and says “I should have accepted that we’re at the bottom and that’s where we’ll stay, whatever we do.”

Ed goes off to be alone and he texts Emma to meet up later. He says that he’s already got everything he wants in Emma and the kids but he wonders if they can get past their present ordeal without hating each other. “It’s over - I’m not enough for you” and he bursts into tears and the week ends with Ed saying “we’re done Em - I’m sorry, but I don’t know how we can go on.”

Well, it was certainly an eventful and emotional week for Ed and Emma, but it looks as though the house is now history. Will Emma give up one or more of her jobs? Will she be able to face all those people she was tapping up for loans? Only time will tell.

We’ve devoted a large chunk of this week’s blog to Em and Emma, but it was the main story of the week. But what else happened? Jazzer goes to see PCB and tells him about this friend of his who suffered abuse in his youth and PCB warns him that any conversation on the subject cannot be off the record and would be fully investigated. Jazzer reveals the name of Harold Jayston and he is now committed. PCB assures him that he has done the right thing, but I cannot help thinking that Jim might have a different opinion when the law starts knocking on his front door. Not only that, but Jazzer might find himself thrown out of Jim’s house for the second time in a few weeks.

If you cast your mind back a few paragraphs, you will recall that we mentioned that Kate took Hilda Ogden to see the vet. This was no small undertaking, as Hilda fought valiantly against going and Peggy had to help Kate get Hilda into her travelling basket.

What’s the matter with Hilda, I hear you scream? The short answer is ‘nothing’ - Kate noticed a mark, which Peggy says was an old scar, but Kate thinks better safe than sorry. Peggy isn’t fooled for a moment and asks Kate why can’t she just ask Jakob out, instead of all this play acting? It turns out that Kate has arranged for Jakob to have a massage next week. “So you’re not courting then?” Peggy asks. Give her a chance, woman!

Actually, I have fears for Jakob, as I can’t see him and Kate forming any sort of meaningful relationship. I mean, he has all the warmth of a glacier, while she is - well, she’s a flake, to put it mildly. On one of her better days, that is. An unlikelier partnership would be difficult to imagine.

I should warn you that next week sees the day of the Village Fete and Ben and Ruairi are still coming up with different ideas. It seems that the normal ‘Dunk the Vicar’ attraction is in jeopardy, as Alan appears to have gone awol. Never fear, the boys have come up with a substitute - ‘Dunk the You-Tuber’. Lynda is perplexed - why would they want to immerse a musical instrument?

Ben and Ruairi are amused and explain that they are talking about a person who will do anything for laughs on You Tube. They will have to pay him, but he’s daft enough to don fancy dress. Lynda is horrified. Pay somebody? She’d rather be the dunkee herself, as “it’s about the preservation of our beloved fete and the values we hold!” she says, vehemently. Ben and Ruairi are delirious - does this mean that Lynda will do it? She realises that she has painted herself into a bit of a corner and the only thing she can do is agree, with good grace.

I’ll tell you what - this bit of news makes the fete the most attractive proposition that we have had for some years, indeed, if not ever. Let’s assume that ‘Dunk Lynda’ costs £1 a go, I reckon it will be the most profitable Ambridge fete in history - I’ve already withdrawn £250 from my bank in anticipation.