Let’s Get This (Not A) Party Started

J

John Rowe (Jim Lloyd)

Considering that Jim Lloyd is adamant that he doesn’t want a fuss or a party to celebrate his special birthday (is he 80 - my books don‘t give a birth date), an awful lot of people seem to be going to an awful lot of trouble to get some sort of do up and running. Jim’s attitude, which could charitably be described as ‘curmudgeonly’, is demonstrated on the morning of his birthday when he asks son Alistair “please promise me that it doesn’t involve dancing.”

But we get ahead of ourselves; at the beginning of the week Jazzer approaches Lynda and asks if she would be prepared to make a speech at Jim’s ‘no party’ (hereafter referred to as ‘the party’). Lynda is appalled - she dislikes Jim as much as he dislikes her and she turns Jazzer down. Besides, she knows nothing about the man, except that he is arrogant. Husband Robert Snell says it’s a pity, as she and Jim are probably the two best-read people in Ambridge (and two of the most pretentious, he might have added). As for her not knowing Jim, Robert suggests that she goes and talks to him - her cover story could be a book that she is currently struggling to read; ‘My name is red.’

Eventually Lynda agrees and goes to beard the old grump in his den at Greenacres and, against all expectations, the pair develop a rapport. She compliments him on his ability to put across ideas and he is impressed by her tenacity and the way she manages to get her Christmas extravaganzas up and running. “So we do have something in common” he tells her. “Who’d have thought it?” is Lynda’s somewhat surprised reply.

Alistair has managed to smuggle his sister Fiona into the village, armed with stacks of photographs from their childhood. The trouble is that there are very few of Jim, as he was the one taking the shots. Nevertheless, they manage to dig one or two out. As they reminisce, we learn that Jim packed them off to boarding school as soon as they achieved secondary school age, plus Jim was less-than-impressed with Alistair’s ambition to be a vet. “Who in their right mind would want to stick his arm up a cow’s bottom?” was Jim’s reaction. Alistair admits that he never really knew his father until he and Shula split up, but since then, Jim has been his rock and Alistair wants this party to be a success and show Jim just how much he is appreciated. By whom, exactly? Apart from Alistair, there’s only Christine and Joe Grundy that ever seem to speak to Jim and Joe’s conversations seem to revolve around ‘Prof’ (as he calls Jim) getting another round of drinks in. As for Christine, she has taken refuge in the Laurels and has entered into one of her frequent trappist spells of not speaking.

One person who is interested in Jim is Harrison Burns, who is convinced that Jim is the elusive bunting thief and is laying a trail of bunting around the village in order to taunt PCB. However, the great day arrives (Friday) and Jim is touched when Jazzer gives him a bottle of 12-year-old malt. The guests gather in the tea room and some have come from far and wide; neighbours from Scotland and colleagues from Jim’s university. PCB lets it be known that he will be delivering a speech later and we wonder if he has the handcuffs ready. In fact, if I were having a party, I wouldn’t invite PCB, as he arrested Freddie at PCB’s own stag do and now looks like he’s gunning for Jim on his birthday.

Meanwhile, the star of the show hasn’t turned up yet, then Alistair spots him - he must have sneaked in. Jim is slightly bemused by the number of people and overjoyed to spot Fiona (I suppose she should think herself lucky that he recognised her). Jim’s mood quickly changes as he claps eyes on someone (we don’t know who) and he exclaims “Oh, my God!”, which is rich, coming from a self-professed atheist, and he flees the hall. Outside, he runs into PCB, who says that he will unmask Jim as the bunting thief and tries to restrain him. Jim pushes PCB out of the way and roars off in the Riley, yelling to Alistair “I told you I didn’t want a party!” And so the week ends on a note of mystery.

At Bridge Farm and Brookfield, preparations are under way for Open Farm Sunday. Natasha has taken over arrangements for Bridge Farm, including cookery demonstrations by a famous food blogger (using stuff from the veg boxes, naturally), a wooden cow, complete with working udder to teach kids where milk comes from, and a giant snakes and ladders in a field, again containing tips on what good farming is all about. Incidentally, while on the subject of the cow (admired by Helen and described by Natasha as “a masterpiece”) can I just mention that lengthy descriptions of unloading said cow from Bert’s trailer and of piecing together the snakes and ladders (“I’m looking for a bit of a green snake’s tail”) do not make for particularly interesting radio.

Natasha has pulled out all the stops on OFS and Bert says that the farm “will look really handsome come Sunday.” By contrast, Brookfield has put up a sign saying Open Farm Sunday and David will ferry visitors (not that they are expecting very many) around the farm on a trailer pulled by the tractor. I hope they have the defibrillator on standby, just in case the excitement gets too much for the guests; or, more likely, guest. Never mind - they have Jill to make cakes and prepare and serve the teas, don’t they?

Well, not as such, no. When she was asked earlier, Jill agreed reluctantly, as Leonard had invited her out for lunch on the same day and she felt she had to turn him down. However, now she has had a change of heart and is going out with Leonard after all. She will still make cakes for the occasion, but somebody else will have to do the serving.

And that somebody will, hopefully, be Liberty; Josh’s new girlfriend who seems to have got her feet well and truly under the table at Brookfield and who shows no signs of moving out. When David asks his son if Liberty is going to be around a lot, he replies “why not?”. Apparently Liberty’s family live in a small flat and she loves the open spaces and freedom at Brookfield and, as Josh points out, his gran has practically moved Leonard into the house, so why can’t Liberty stay?

David seems about to say that that’s entirely different, but Jill interrupts, saying that there shouldn’t be one rule for her and one for Josh and, besides, she thinks Liberty is a nice girl. For her part, Liberty thinks a lot of Jill and Josh reveals that, as a ‘thank you’ for imposing on the family, Liberty will cook them all lunch on Tuesday. On the day in question, Jill is banished from the kitchen (Liberty even brings her a pot of coffee) and Liberty takes charge. Brave girl! We learn later that she even plans to do lemon meringue pie - one of Jill’s signature dishes and one which David says is famed throughout Borsetshire. 

As it turns out, the meal is a triumph and Jill even wants the main course recipe. Liberty, we learn, is in her third year at college studying cookery and catering management. It is after the meal that Jill lets it be known that she won’t be doing OFS teas. Now, who can they get to step in? Tricky - someone beginning with L perhaps? Rooooth exhibits a selfish streak when she says “Let’s hope Josh can hang on to her” The words ‘at least until after Open Farm Sunday’ are left unspoken.

One story I don’t understand is that of Kate wandering around with suggestions for Adam and Ian’s bucket list. She persuades Ian to pick one at random and this turns out to be wild (and naked) swimming in the Am. Adam is appalled, but Ian says they can take a picnic and a bottle and, who knows, it might be fun. To cut a long story short, the pair do have quite a good time, ended by the sound of two vehicles colliding nearby. Their first instinct is to go and help, but they are held back by the realisation that they are stark naked and wisely decide to keep well away. I still don’t understand what Kate is trying to do, but being as it’s her, I have no doubt that it’s weird, slightly mystical and totally bloody pointless.

The two cars involved in the accident belonged to Ed and Will. Ed was out delivering a batch of chemicals for Tim and was running late. He and Will had a coming together, which left Ed’s pick-up with a dented wing, a punctured tyre and with chemicals leaking from a ruptured drum. Will notices the latter and accuses his brother of dodgy dealings. Ed is desperate to make the delivery and begs Will to help and to keep it to himself. At first Will refuses, but he lets slip that he has Poppy in the car and he has been taking her to work. Ed makes a bargain - if Will keeps shtum about the chemicals, then Ed won’t say anything about Poppy’s nocturnal car rides. Ed adds that this will be his last delivery job anyway.

Next day Ed tells Emma about the accident, which he says was partly caused because he was so tired, and of his intention to stop driving for Tim. Emma says that they could do with the money and Ed is probably still a little shocked by events. No, he says, his mind is made up “and I’ll tell Tim that I don’t want to do this any more.”

On Friday, Tim alarms Ed by going to see him at work. Ed tells him to go, as he’s supposed to be working, to which Tim says he’ll drop by Ed’s place later on. No, Ed tells him and they agree to meet in The Bull car park at 6.30. “Don’t be late” says Tim, ominously.

They do meet and Tim is not happy that Will saw the canisters (he could hardly miss them, as Ed borrowed his car to complete the delivery. Also, the ‘customers’ are worried in case Ed revealed any secrets to Will. Ed tells Tim that he wants out and Tim shakes his head, saying “That’s not how this works, I’m afraid.” The customers were not happy because the delivery was a) late and b) came up short and so they have refused to pay. “These people we’re supplying are not very nice,“ Tim goes on, adding: “if you keep your nose clean and carry on with deliveries, then maybe they’ll forget about this.” Whatever, Ed can’t just walk away. Tim will do all he can to protect Ed “But your lovely wife - you wouldn’t want her to have an accident, would you? Late at night on her way home from the chicken factory?” 

I’m surprised that Tim didn’t add ‘and we know where your children go to school’. Whatever, it looks like Ed is proudly carrying on the Grundy tradition of cock-ups and misfortune. How is he going to get out of this particular one?