Pat And Tony’s Glasses Are Always Half Empty

Let's start with the Master of Misery, the Premier Purveyor of Pessimism, aka Tony Archer. On Sunday morning he is trying to persuade sisters Lilian and Jennifer to back him up in his efforts to get Peggy to give up her crazy scheme, or failing that, to give their mother a good kicking until she sees sense. "She's not thinking straight"Tony tells his siblings, but if he expects the girls to break out the pitchforks and flaming torches and march behind him, he is in for a disappointment. Jennifer's mind is firmly on her Father's Day lunch (lamb shanks, in case you were wondering) and she is lamenting the loss of her super-duper, high-tech, multi-oven kitchen at Home Farm.

Jennifer points out that Peggy can do what she likes with her own money and, when Adam turns up singing his Gran's praises (he calls her "a true visionary"), Tony's despondency plumbs new depths and he decides it's time to go. Lilian, who hasn't been invited to lunch, asks him if he fancies a pint in The Bull and he agrees. Personally, I can't think of a worse drinking companion, but I suppose Lilian could drink herself into insensibility, although that would certainly take some doing.

Tony continues to bang on, bringing up the story about Peggy's Will again (the one that never was) and he tells Lilian that he isn't going to let this go: "I'm going to do whatever it takes to change Mum's mind." If it comes to a battle of wills between Peggy and Tony, I know who my money's on and, at the end of the day, Jennifer's point about it being Peggy's money and Peggy's choice is a valid one.

On Monday, Tony is still at it; this time it is Tom's ear that is being bent. Tom and Natasha have had a great idea for a pitch for the money – plant fruit trees on every bit of spare land in Ambridge and turn it into an orchard village. Tony thinks this is a wonderful idea and pledges his support for the project – and if you believe that, then you haven't been giving this blog your attention. What actually happens is that Tony dismisses it as pie-in-the-sky and accuses his son of being starry-eyed like his Gran. One might observe that, if she's got £500,000 to put up as a prize, then Peggy hasn't done too badly for herself. Tony, however, accuses Tom of disloyalty and being selfish, while Tom suggests that Tony lacks ambition and the conversation becomes heated. When Tom reports back to Natasha, she says that they really need to get Tony onside, as a family rift won't impress Peggy (but I'm sure she will know who to blame) so Tom needs to talk to Tony again. Good luck with that, Tom. She points out that they both know that the idea has legs "and we can't just let that go, can we?"

Lilian calls round at Bridge Farm – she has been invited to The Lodge for tea and assumes that so has Tony. Except that he hasn't, which shows that Peggy still has all her senses intact. Tony reveals that he has left numerous messages for his mother, but she hasn't replied to any of them (see above about senses). Lilian wonders why she has been invited – surely Peggy doesn't expect her to put in a bid? Of course, she'd love to save the planet – "I always take a spare bag to Underwoods when I remember", she says, but she doesn't really think that this merits a £500,000 handout.

Tony says that he's sure Peggy will be in touch when she's ready "but she probably won't like what I've got to say." No matter, Tony; Peggy probably won't listen anyway. On her way out, Lilian runs into Tom and tells him that his dad is very unhappy (default mode, I reckon) and Tom should look after him and not let him get too frazzled.

This obviously has affected Tom and he asks Tony for a chat, saying that if he (Tom) doesn't enter a bid, then the money could go to Home Farm, or Brookfield. Once again Tony calls the scheme 'divisive' and says that the family doesn't need any more strife. Moreover, it could entail a lot of work that eventually comes to nothing and ends in disappointment. Tom says that he is convinced the Orchard Village is a good scheme, but he won't enter a bid for the money and he and Natasha will have to raise the capital some other way. I can just imagine how thrilled Natasha is going to be when he tells her they are turning their backs on a possible £500k.

Lilian meanwhile is having tea and cakes with Peggy, who tells her that she realises that she (Peggy) should have invited Lilian to the initial meeting (Peggy didn't think she'd be interested – I think if my mother revealed plans to give away half a million quid, I'd rather hear it from her than later from one of my siblings). Lilian admits she was hurt, but the two patch things up and Lilian begs her mother to talk to Tony as well. "I will dear," Peggy replies. "When he's ready to listen." That won't be any time soon, then.

Actually, it happened on Thursday when the pair meet at The Lodge. Tony begins by saying what an awful idea it is and that Bridge Farm won't be entering a bid. Why ever not? Because they all agree that it will only cause trouble in the family – she's pitting people against each other. He also tells his mother that she hasn't considered all the consequences. "I beg to differ" Peggy replies, sharply. He asks her to reconsider, but Peggy accuses him of being negative – nobody else has objected. He's being short-sighted, maybe selfish and, when Tony says that the £500,000 is family money anyway, Peggy says that, if he's that bothered, one way to make sure that it stays in the family is to put his thinking cap on and come up with the best bid. Meanwhile all Tony can do is bleat about how he and Pat have been pioneering sustainable farming for 30 years. Certainly Brookfield and Home Farm are entering into the spirit of Peggy's competition, as we learn when Pip and Alice are getting rat-arsed at Tom and Natasha's Cuban-themed housewarming party on Friday, but neither girl is giving away any secrets. 

 

Actually, the party was one of the only times that Tony's glass was more than half empty - he didn't want to go (yes, you could have knocked me down with a feather too) plus he had toothpaste on his shirt (how did he manage to miss his gob?) but, as the evening progressed, he was heard lauding the daiquiris made by the bartender Pepe. I suppose the fact that the drinks were free helped.

 

I know that readers paying attention will be screaming 'but the title of the blog mentions Pat's half-empty glass and we've heard nothing from her.' Patience dear readers, we will get there eventually, but first let's look at other stories.

 

Jazzer was interviewed by Adam for the job of looking after the aquaponics operation and it was obvious that Adam was desperate to employ somebody - anybody - as Jazzer's interview technique is (to put it charitably) extremely basic. There is a back story here - the latest episode in the increasingly-baffling and tedious story about the bucket list challenge is for Ian and Adam to overcome a fear. It turns out that Ian is an arachnopobe and, during the interview, Jazzer learns this and says that he can bring Webster, his tarantula, for Ian to look at. Jazz misunderstands Adam's response and turns up with said spider later.

 

Ian is in the shower and is petrified when Jazzer shows him Webster, in her travel case. Ian's arachnophobia is so intense that he cannot even bear to look at a photograph of a money spider and he knocks the case to the ground, whereupon Webster disappears, throwing Ian into a major panic, screaming to Jazzer to get Adam home - now! Eventually Webster is tracked down by Jazzer, and the arachnid is no doubt traumatised by the sight of an Irish chef standing on a chair and screaming. There is an upside to this, as Ian thinks he can now bear to risk looking at a photo of a money spider. It is at this moment that Adam informs a despondent Jazzer (who thinks he has blown his aquaponics chances) that he has actually got the job - see earlier comments about Adam being desperate. At least this will give Adam the opportunity to prepare a bid for Peggy's legacy - the aversion to risk-taking was the phobia that Adam has to master, although Jennifer says he is morbidly afraid of clowns.

 

At the party, Alice and Pip are snooping through Natasha's make-up cabinet and they appear to come across derma fillers - perhaps Natasha's stunning appearance is not just due to natural products and make-up. Nosey little minxes!

 

Bad news for Shula, as she gets a phone call from son Dan - his girlfriend Dorothy has dumped him and he's in bits. Shula tells Alistair and asks him to give Dan a call. He does so, and even calls Dorothy, who tells him that the spark has gone from the relationship as far as she is concerned. Alistair remarks to Shula that this took him back to when Shula told him that she didn't love him any longer. Jazzer's advice for Dan? "Get back in the saddle as quickly as possible." Don't you wish you had a daughter so that you could forbid her to marry Jazzer?

 

And so to Pat's half-empty glass. This happens after Tom and Natasha's party, when Tony says that he's pleased that Tom has found someone who makes him happy, but then notices that Pat looks concerned (the daiquiris must have addled his brain). What's up? Pat replies that Peggy's announcement has got her thinking - what happens if things don't work out between Tom and Natasha, after all, she left him once soon after the marriage? Tom has a stake in the business (as do they all) and it's up to them to protect that. Pat thinks Tom and Natasha should draw up a post-nuptial agreement so that the farm cannot be split up and sold in the event of a divorce. 

 

Tony says (and it's not often that I agree with him) that they will be stirring up a hornets' nest, but Pat replies "I'm convinced a post-nup agreement is the best way forward for all of us."I wonder what Natasha - and indeed Tom - might have to say about the subject? And Tony doesn't want strife in the family - I predict trouble ahead, plus strife in the more immediate family. How do you tell your daughter-in-law that, while you love her to bits, would she please mind signing this get-out agreement and promise not to sue?

 

Happy Hundredth June!

June Rosalind Spencer CBE (Peggy Woolley)

Before we recap on the week in Ambridge, we should pay tribute to actress June Spencer, who on Friday 14^thJune, celebrated her 100^thbirthday. June has been present from the first pilot episode in 1950, playing Peggy Archer, wife of Jack. Peggy was a townie from London and she and Jack ran The Bull - unfortunately, Jack was an alcoholic and Peggy struggled to bring up children Jennifer, Lilian and Tony in trying circumstances. Jack passed away and Peggy spent some years alone, before finally accepting the proposal of Jack Woolley, whom she wed in 1991. At last Peggy seemed to have found true and lasting happiness, but this ended when Jack developed dementia and later passed away. There was controversy a few years ago when Peggy announced that, in her Will, she had bypassed her three children (Tony, especially, was annoyed) and left everything to Helen and Tom. So, congratulations to June on her landmark birthday and long may she reign as the matriarch of the Archer clan!

Perhaps not surprisingly, Peggy (who is a few years younger than June - Peggy will be 95 in November) featured prominently in one of last week’s main storylines. She had arranged a meeting with selected members of the family (Jen, Brian, Pat and Tony, Adam, Alice, David and Rooooth) at the Lodge on Friday, but refused to tell them the purpose of the get together. One prominent absentee from the list of invitees was Lilian, who didn’t even know about the meeting until informed by her siblings.

Lilian feels snubbed and does her best to wangle an invite, but all her efforts are thwarted or neatly sidestepped by her mother. There is another complication too, as Peggy has been seen in the company of a tall, distinguished man who drives a 4x4 and who has visited Peggy’s home. Is this some new squeeze, Peggy’s three children wonder? Eventually Lilian can stand it no longer and, on Friday morning, she confronts her mother and says that she is coming to the meeting “if it is the last thing I do.” The wind is somewhat taken out of Lilian’s sails when Peggy replies “That’s fine dear; you’d better come in.”

When everyone is assembled (Rooooth couldn’t make it - someone had to run the farm) Peggy reveals the purpose. She was recently at Bridge Farm, helping Henry with his project, entitled ’Save our planet’ which seems a bit of a tall order for a primary school pupil, but what do I know about education nowadays? This set Peggy thinking and she realised that those gathered there today are at the heart of the nation, providing food, and she realised that they could make a real difference to the way farming is done in the future.

This is why she has called together all the heads of the family farms, as she will be offering a sum of money to whoever comes up with the best sustainable farming idea. A charitable trust (the ‘Ambridge Conservation Trust’) has been set up and Peggy will get a panel of experts to judge the various ideas. Of course, there is one question that everyone wants the answer to and it is Brian who asks “how much?” When Peggy tells them that it is £500,000, there is consternation. The 4x4 man, by the way, was a financial adviser.

Peggy says that, when she came to Ambridge from the city (she was an East End girl) it was such a joy. “And now that joy could be destroyed - like Henry, I want to save the planet.” As she tells Adam, when the meeting breaks up, it is a great privilege to be able to hand on the means to make things better and “I want to make a difference in my corner of the world - a small corner that means the world to me; here, in Ambridge.”

Adam tells his gran how proud he is of her and it is interesting to examine the reactions of some of the other attendees. Brian tells Jenny that it will be a wonderful opportunity for someone and he will bring Alice up to speed asap. “What about Kate?” Jenny asks. “What about Kate?” Brian replies. Lilian is still miffed at having been initially frozen out and she asks Adam why can’t she enter an idea, even though she’s not a farmer? Let’s be honest, any idea from Lilian would be directly related to a G&T, such as cloning lemons for mass production.

Then we come to Tony, who has been silent on the drive home. Pat asks him what he thinks and, once again, we are reminded that, as far as Tony is concerned, every silver lining has its cloud, as he tells his wife “When Mum named the family farms at the meeting, Home Farm came first - it always does.” Instead of trying to think of a scheme that could be a winner, he calls Peggy’s announcement “a grand gesture - as far as I can see, it’s the Will all over again.”

Having raced ahead in the ‘most miserable sod in Ambridge’ stakes, surely Tony can afford to be a little more optimistic? After all, it’s not as if it is just up to him and Pat (if it were, I reckon his pessimism would be more than justified). As it is, they can call on Tom and Helen for ideas - let’s face it, Tom has always been full of ideas and not all of them have been total rubbish - but now Bridge Farm has an extra trump card to play. I speak of course of the amazing Natasha; organiser of Open Farm Sunday, fruit juice queen and, as far as I can see, all-round superwoman. Ignoring the odd aberration (like marrying Tom) I wouldn’t be surprised if she is already working on a scheme to scoop the £500,000.

If Tony is a miserable sod, then he is currently being given a run for his money by Jim Lloyd, who is not only miserable, but spiteful with it. You may recall that the Prof fled his own non-party without explanation, leaving a goodly number of guests, friends, family and erstwhile colleagues and neighbours dumbfounded. This week we were no nearer to learning the reason for Jim’s sudden flight. Lynda, who has developed a recent and unlikely rapport with Jim, goes to see him and is soundly rebuffed and given the bum’s rush when she knocks on the door. Lynda has brought along copies of the speeches and tributes that the guests had prepared and is reduced to tears when Jim shoves them in the bin.

Susan quizzes Alistair about how Jim is. All to no avail, as Alistair himself doesn’t know. Also, he doesn’t want Susan poking her nose in (as if!) although, to be fair (and in this blog we do try to be fair to everyone, even nosey, interfering, rumour-mongering, gossip-spreading, snobbish, jumped-up shopkeepers with delusions of adequacy) she was concerned because Jim never turned up for his stint at the shop and there was no apology, nor explanation.

Alistair eventually gets Jim on his own and berates his father for treating Lynda badly, not to mention not fulfilling his duties as Parish Clerk and not telling anybody, plus Alistair has had Kiki on the phone, in tears because Jim cancelled a piano lesson without giving a reason. Jim says that it was because she can teach him nothing more.

As Alistair keeps pressing Jim, the Prof says “I don’t know what you want me to say” and Alistair replies “How about ‘sorry’ to Lynda, Kiki, Susan, me and Jazzer?” A testy Jim says that he doesn’t have to explain anything to anybody “For how many more times - I didn’t want the damn party!” Once again, Alistair tries, pointing out that it wasn’t a party, but a gathering of people who cared about Jim. Alistair adds that he’d never felt so humiliated, to which Jim says “not even when your gambling addiction was revealed to the whole pub, or when your wife left you because she didn’t love you any longer?” (See earlier comment about Jim being spiteful). Alistair says he’s going “before I say something I might regret.” My observation is that that was left behind quite some time ago. When Alistair returns, he tells his Dad that he’s fed up making excuses for him and that Jim is arrogant (true) and uncaring (who could argue?). Jim says that, if that’s what Alistair feels, perhaps he should find “alternative living arrangements”. “Perhaps I should” his son answers and we still don’t know why Jim abandoned his (non) party. All suggestions are welcomed (I wonder if Jim saw someone who could blackmail him for indiscretions during his uni career?)

Earlier, we referred briefly to Open Farm Sunday. Natasha had done a wonderful job organising activities for Bridge Farm, while Brookfield had resigned themselves to getting maybe half a dozen visitors, whose sat navs had led them astray. As it turned out, Brookfield was beating them off with sticks (which probably demonstrates the paucity of things to do in Ambridge on the average Sunday), while Bridge Farm attendance was disappointing. Over at Home Farm, Adam was bemoaning the lack of interest shown in his Aquaponics. Adam, it’s only fruit (or tomatoes - I lost the will to live) in water with fish swimming round. And a word of advice - if you are thinking of entering this for the £500k contest, then you’d better upgrade to Killer Whales, or Great Whites.

Have you noticed that the - shall we call them ’more senior’ - female characters are getting bigger parts recently? We have discussed Peggy’s initiatives at length (and for £500k, my proposal is being worked on - early indications indicate that it involves Kate, Susan, Jim and [insert character of your choice] plus a threshing machine - but Jill has been, if not kicking over the traces, then at least been scuffing them up a little.

We learned last week that, instead of serving teas at OFS, she was off for lunch with Leonard. As it turned out, because Brookfield got many more visitors than anticipated, David and Ben (or was it Josh?) had to go out and buy extra cake. Jill was being shown round Leonard’s home and remarked about how neat it was. The guided tour moved up to the first floor and Leonard pointed out the spare room (just opposite his). Leonard suggests that, should they ever be out late, Jill is welcome to stay over - in the spare room, of course “if you wanted.”

He tells her that he likes her a lot and she says that she likes him too. She returns to Brookfield (at 12.35 am!) to find Ben awake to let her in. He teases her, asking if she didn’t want to stay over? “Not tonight - no” Jill replies, giggling, as she goes to her room. “Go Gran!” is Ben’s reply.

Finally, we must mention the latest in the tasks set for Adam and Ian. It was set by Ruairi, but executed by Ben, who took Adam’s and Ian’s phones and sent a message to all their contacts, informing them that the new baby would be named after them. Susan fell for it hook, line and sinker and I must admit that it was a jolly jape. After the Friday meeting, Peggy asked an embarrassed Adam about the message she had received. Play along with it Adam - it could get you £500,000 and I‘m sure a boy would, in time, get used to being called Peggy. 

Let’s Get This (Not A) Party Started

J

John Rowe (Jim Lloyd)

Considering that Jim Lloyd is adamant that he doesn’t want a fuss or a party to celebrate his special birthday (is he 80 - my books don‘t give a birth date), an awful lot of people seem to be going to an awful lot of trouble to get some sort of do up and running. Jim’s attitude, which could charitably be described as ‘curmudgeonly’, is demonstrated on the morning of his birthday when he asks son Alistair “please promise me that it doesn’t involve dancing.”

But we get ahead of ourselves; at the beginning of the week Jazzer approaches Lynda and asks if she would be prepared to make a speech at Jim’s ‘no party’ (hereafter referred to as ‘the party’). Lynda is appalled - she dislikes Jim as much as he dislikes her and she turns Jazzer down. Besides, she knows nothing about the man, except that he is arrogant. Husband Robert Snell says it’s a pity, as she and Jim are probably the two best-read people in Ambridge (and two of the most pretentious, he might have added). As for her not knowing Jim, Robert suggests that she goes and talks to him - her cover story could be a book that she is currently struggling to read; ‘My name is red.’

Eventually Lynda agrees and goes to beard the old grump in his den at Greenacres and, against all expectations, the pair develop a rapport. She compliments him on his ability to put across ideas and he is impressed by her tenacity and the way she manages to get her Christmas extravaganzas up and running. “So we do have something in common” he tells her. “Who’d have thought it?” is Lynda’s somewhat surprised reply.

Alistair has managed to smuggle his sister Fiona into the village, armed with stacks of photographs from their childhood. The trouble is that there are very few of Jim, as he was the one taking the shots. Nevertheless, they manage to dig one or two out. As they reminisce, we learn that Jim packed them off to boarding school as soon as they achieved secondary school age, plus Jim was less-than-impressed with Alistair’s ambition to be a vet. “Who in their right mind would want to stick his arm up a cow’s bottom?” was Jim’s reaction. Alistair admits that he never really knew his father until he and Shula split up, but since then, Jim has been his rock and Alistair wants this party to be a success and show Jim just how much he is appreciated. By whom, exactly? Apart from Alistair, there’s only Christine and Joe Grundy that ever seem to speak to Jim and Joe’s conversations seem to revolve around ‘Prof’ (as he calls Jim) getting another round of drinks in. As for Christine, she has taken refuge in the Laurels and has entered into one of her frequent trappist spells of not speaking.

One person who is interested in Jim is Harrison Burns, who is convinced that Jim is the elusive bunting thief and is laying a trail of bunting around the village in order to taunt PCB. However, the great day arrives (Friday) and Jim is touched when Jazzer gives him a bottle of 12-year-old malt. The guests gather in the tea room and some have come from far and wide; neighbours from Scotland and colleagues from Jim’s university. PCB lets it be known that he will be delivering a speech later and we wonder if he has the handcuffs ready. In fact, if I were having a party, I wouldn’t invite PCB, as he arrested Freddie at PCB’s own stag do and now looks like he’s gunning for Jim on his birthday.

Meanwhile, the star of the show hasn’t turned up yet, then Alistair spots him - he must have sneaked in. Jim is slightly bemused by the number of people and overjoyed to spot Fiona (I suppose she should think herself lucky that he recognised her). Jim’s mood quickly changes as he claps eyes on someone (we don’t know who) and he exclaims “Oh, my God!”, which is rich, coming from a self-professed atheist, and he flees the hall. Outside, he runs into PCB, who says that he will unmask Jim as the bunting thief and tries to restrain him. Jim pushes PCB out of the way and roars off in the Riley, yelling to Alistair “I told you I didn’t want a party!” And so the week ends on a note of mystery.

At Bridge Farm and Brookfield, preparations are under way for Open Farm Sunday. Natasha has taken over arrangements for Bridge Farm, including cookery demonstrations by a famous food blogger (using stuff from the veg boxes, naturally), a wooden cow, complete with working udder to teach kids where milk comes from, and a giant snakes and ladders in a field, again containing tips on what good farming is all about. Incidentally, while on the subject of the cow (admired by Helen and described by Natasha as “a masterpiece”) can I just mention that lengthy descriptions of unloading said cow from Bert’s trailer and of piecing together the snakes and ladders (“I’m looking for a bit of a green snake’s tail”) do not make for particularly interesting radio.

Natasha has pulled out all the stops on OFS and Bert says that the farm “will look really handsome come Sunday.” By contrast, Brookfield has put up a sign saying Open Farm Sunday and David will ferry visitors (not that they are expecting very many) around the farm on a trailer pulled by the tractor. I hope they have the defibrillator on standby, just in case the excitement gets too much for the guests; or, more likely, guest. Never mind - they have Jill to make cakes and prepare and serve the teas, don’t they?

Well, not as such, no. When she was asked earlier, Jill agreed reluctantly, as Leonard had invited her out for lunch on the same day and she felt she had to turn him down. However, now she has had a change of heart and is going out with Leonard after all. She will still make cakes for the occasion, but somebody else will have to do the serving.

And that somebody will, hopefully, be Liberty; Josh’s new girlfriend who seems to have got her feet well and truly under the table at Brookfield and who shows no signs of moving out. When David asks his son if Liberty is going to be around a lot, he replies “why not?”. Apparently Liberty’s family live in a small flat and she loves the open spaces and freedom at Brookfield and, as Josh points out, his gran has practically moved Leonard into the house, so why can’t Liberty stay?

David seems about to say that that’s entirely different, but Jill interrupts, saying that there shouldn’t be one rule for her and one for Josh and, besides, she thinks Liberty is a nice girl. For her part, Liberty thinks a lot of Jill and Josh reveals that, as a ‘thank you’ for imposing on the family, Liberty will cook them all lunch on Tuesday. On the day in question, Jill is banished from the kitchen (Liberty even brings her a pot of coffee) and Liberty takes charge. Brave girl! We learn later that she even plans to do lemon meringue pie - one of Jill’s signature dishes and one which David says is famed throughout Borsetshire. 

As it turns out, the meal is a triumph and Jill even wants the main course recipe. Liberty, we learn, is in her third year at college studying cookery and catering management. It is after the meal that Jill lets it be known that she won’t be doing OFS teas. Now, who can they get to step in? Tricky - someone beginning with L perhaps? Rooooth exhibits a selfish streak when she says “Let’s hope Josh can hang on to her” The words ‘at least until after Open Farm Sunday’ are left unspoken.

One story I don’t understand is that of Kate wandering around with suggestions for Adam and Ian’s bucket list. She persuades Ian to pick one at random and this turns out to be wild (and naked) swimming in the Am. Adam is appalled, but Ian says they can take a picnic and a bottle and, who knows, it might be fun. To cut a long story short, the pair do have quite a good time, ended by the sound of two vehicles colliding nearby. Their first instinct is to go and help, but they are held back by the realisation that they are stark naked and wisely decide to keep well away. I still don’t understand what Kate is trying to do, but being as it’s her, I have no doubt that it’s weird, slightly mystical and totally bloody pointless.

The two cars involved in the accident belonged to Ed and Will. Ed was out delivering a batch of chemicals for Tim and was running late. He and Will had a coming together, which left Ed’s pick-up with a dented wing, a punctured tyre and with chemicals leaking from a ruptured drum. Will notices the latter and accuses his brother of dodgy dealings. Ed is desperate to make the delivery and begs Will to help and to keep it to himself. At first Will refuses, but he lets slip that he has Poppy in the car and he has been taking her to work. Ed makes a bargain - if Will keeps shtum about the chemicals, then Ed won’t say anything about Poppy’s nocturnal car rides. Ed adds that this will be his last delivery job anyway.

Next day Ed tells Emma about the accident, which he says was partly caused because he was so tired, and of his intention to stop driving for Tim. Emma says that they could do with the money and Ed is probably still a little shocked by events. No, he says, his mind is made up “and I’ll tell Tim that I don’t want to do this any more.”

On Friday, Tim alarms Ed by going to see him at work. Ed tells him to go, as he’s supposed to be working, to which Tim says he’ll drop by Ed’s place later on. No, Ed tells him and they agree to meet in The Bull car park at 6.30. “Don’t be late” says Tim, ominously.

They do meet and Tim is not happy that Will saw the canisters (he could hardly miss them, as Ed borrowed his car to complete the delivery. Also, the ‘customers’ are worried in case Ed revealed any secrets to Will. Ed tells Tim that he wants out and Tim shakes his head, saying “That’s not how this works, I’m afraid.” The customers were not happy because the delivery was a) late and b) came up short and so they have refused to pay. “These people we’re supplying are not very nice,“ Tim goes on, adding: “if you keep your nose clean and carry on with deliveries, then maybe they’ll forget about this.” Whatever, Ed can’t just walk away. Tim will do all he can to protect Ed “But your lovely wife - you wouldn’t want her to have an accident, would you? Late at night on her way home from the chicken factory?” 

I’m surprised that Tim didn’t add ‘and we know where your children go to school’. Whatever, it looks like Ed is proudly carrying on the Grundy tradition of cock-ups and misfortune. How is he going to get out of this particular one?

A Question Of Faith

Judy Bennett (Shula Hebden Lloyd)

Shula, not content with being a lay reader (although lately she hasn’t even been up to doing that), has decided that she wants to be ordained. She tells Alan that although she’s been doubting her own worth and morality she never lost her faith. Alistair’s forgiveness of her for ending their marriage has played a big part and now she wants to give something back to the community. Alan tries to make her face the realities of what ordination involves but she tells him she feels more passionate about this than anything else in a long time. Alan says she has to be sure it’s the right decision for her and is concerned it might just be another distracting project, like the art competition. Personally I reckon sainthood is on the cards after she rescued Freddie from Camilla.

More bunting’s been found, this time on the golf course and at Grey Gables, and everyone’s talking about it. Things must be quiet in the Borsetshire force as this case seems to be getting Harrison’s undivided attention and he’s taking it personally, especially when he receives a retro-style ransom note made of cut out letters from newspapers. There are instructions to meet at the bird hide on Arkwright Lake but when Harrison gets there the only person he sees is Jim who has just spotted a water rail. Harrison pretends he’s out birding too so Jim tells him what else he can expect to see and they go off to the hide for what Harrison later calls “one of the most boring evenings I’ve ever spent in my life”. Later all is revealed, to us anyway, when Jim and Jazzer fall about laughing about how well the ransom note worked. Apparently they’ve been behind it all along, but Harrison’s cottoned on and he’s determined to make Jim, at least, pay.

I wonder if the pair of them are responsible for another misdemeanour that’s taken place in the village – all the eggs have been taken from outside the Sneddon’s gate, but the collection box was left untouched. I can’t imagine Jim condoning such an action but Jazzer? Perhaps he’s planning a massive fry-up.

Let’s take a moment to talk about a character we hear far too little of – Peggy’s cat Hilda Ogden (or the cat from hell as we once called her). Since Peggy took Hilda in after her hairdresser Fabrice broke up with his partner, we’ve become to love Hilda’s little habits, such as clawing at visitors (notably Natasha - good girl) and memorably landing Christine in A&E after tripping her up. After some recuperation this caused Christine to move permanently into to The Laurels so you can imagine how delighted she’ll be when Kate takes her there for a bit of cat therapy. In fact the only person Hilda has never attacked is Kate, remarkably taking to her rather warmly. I do hope The Laurels has good supplies of TCP and bandages, and it might be as well to have a paramedic on standby, because they’re about to experience a bloodbath! 

Kate even makes sure Hilda gets in the right mood by going via the single wicket competition where another feisty female is about to sink her claws into Chris Carter – yes its time for the Chris vs. Tracy showdown. Remember there’s a bottle of vodka riding on this so Tracey will be giving it all she’s got and she is the favourite to win, bowling Alistair out in practice and giving him a couple of bruises for good measure.

However Johnny knocks her out early and she’s put in to bowl but her bowling, although aggressive, leaves something to be desired as she hits Chris straight in the, how shall we put this politely, box. It shatters and his ‘do-dads’, as Alice puts it, take a battering. Tracey apologises, asking if she got him in the ‘cobblers’ and agrees to stump up a bottle of whisky as compensation. In the end Tom wins the competition, gets a trophy and a promise from Natasha to inspect his ‘do-dads’ and single wicket for any signs of damage when they get home. 

By the way, while all this was going on Dreadlock Holiday by 10cc was playing in the background, a song that combines the game of cricket and a Caribbean holiday, nicely combining two storylines.

The day after the single wicket Natasha has a chat with Tony and he tells her that winning the single wicket is something of a tradition for the Bridge Farm Archer Boys; John, Johnny’s father won the first two competitions and now Tom and Johnny have gone on to win it too. Natasha gives Tony a present to thank him for the phone call that persuaded her to come back to Ambridge – a day out for two at a classic car race day (that’ll get Pat and Tony out of the way so that she can nip in to measure up for curtains). She’s also got an invitation for her and Tom’s housewarming (Cuban themed) and a little jar of homemade salsa to go with it (don’t eat it Tony). Now she’s got them in a good mood, the condescending little control freak tells them she’d like to run Bridge Farm’s Open Farm Sunday event, and it just happens that her and Tom’s venture Bridge Fresh is launching on the same day!

As it’s that time of year again let’s see what everyone else is planning for Open Farm Sunday. Home Farm are going to showcase aquaponics (I think that’s something about growing crops in a fish tank) and their new crops of linseed and quinoa which will be flowering nicely, Alice’s strawberry picking robots are going to be demonstrated, and over at Brookfield they’re going to concentrate on, well, the basics.

Talking about Brookfield, Jill tells Ruth that she found a mysterious young lady in the kitchen wearing Josh’s dressing gown helping herself to breakfast. We find out that her name is Liberty (appropriately) and she’s stayed in the house while Josh has gone out early to a machinery sale. Who is Natasha and how did she end up spending the night with Josh? We’ll have to wait until next week.

As predicted earlier, cat therapy at the Laurels didn’t live up to Kate’s vision as Chris forewarned the residents about Hilda Ogden and no one went near her. Instead Hilda amused herself by climbing the curtains and bringing down a curtain rail, so at least she provided some entertainment and as a bonus, without incurring any casualties.

Another of Kate’s ideas is that the family should choose what goes on Ian and Adam’s bucket list as it’s fair to say they’re poles apart at the moment as Adam fancies jumping off cliffs into the sea whereas Ian was thinking more along the lines of tea at the Ritz. 

I couldn’t help noticing that Emma needs to sharpen up her Barista skills as it takes her all of 45 seconds to make Natasha a flat white, whereas two years ago she could knock out a cappuccino in only 40 seconds. I timed the Barista who won the UK’s Best Flat White competition and it took him 81 seconds. Now, either the world’s best Barista is still hiding away undiscovered in Ambridge, or Emma makes crap coffee with a spoon of instant and some barely warmed milk. As no one has commented on the quality of her coffee, indeed they keep coming back for more, I have to assume the former and wonder why she hasn’t seen the opportunity to take the coffee shop world by storm and earn enough to finance her and Ed’s dream home.

Natasha has a simpler and quicker solution to that, which is to take out credit, something she tells Emma she does all the time (failing to add that she doesn’t pay it back) and Em seems taken with the idea. So taken that she immediately orders new blinds and curtains, which Ed thinks are bit pricey, but goes along with it for the sake of their “lovely new home”. It’ll be ok though because Ed and Tim are going on another ‘job’ soon.

Finally, remember the £4k Jazzer got from Tom? Well, it’s been burning a hole in Jazzer’s sporran and he’s been frantically looking for ways to spend it. Jim’s sensible suggestion was to put it in a savings account until he decides what to do with it, but to Jazzer that’s boring and certainly less interesting than the cheese on toast he was making. In fact he does buy something with some of the money, a tarantula which he’s called Webster. I expected Jim to say ‘how interesting, a member of the theraphosidae family, but instead he reacts with horror which is hopefully a foretaste of what will happen when the creature inevitably escapes from its tank.