Alistair Finished Just Ahead Of Phil On The Day

Michael Lumsden (Alistair Lloyd)

Sunday was the day of the Felpersham half marathon and Jim is hanging around the finish line, waiting to cheer on Alistair. The trouble is that his son doesn’t appear to be around anywhere, as he tells Brian. Jazzer comes over, trying to squeeze a few last drops of sponsorship money and he tells them that Alistair has finished the race - he was the front half of the pantomime horse that cantered past some time ago and Phil was the rear half. We learn a day or so later that Alistair raised over £700 for the children’s hospice and the total is still rising. Not only that, but he got his photograph on the front page of the Echo. Jim is proud of him, but I reckon Phil got the bum deal (in more ways than one).

Brian is only at the event because he cannot bear to be stuck in Willow Cottage; neither can Jennifer, who has nothing to clean and no more telephone lines to sever. The only thing that makes her day is when Adam tells her (in strictest confidence) about Lexi’s pregnancy. Even then, Jen is disappointed when Adam shares that Lexi wants to spend her pregnancy in Bulgaria.

The main reason for Jen’s bad mood is that Brian intends to plead ‘not guilty’ at his court hearing and force the EA to take him to trial, where he will be judged by a jury of his peers, always assuming that they can find twelve men who are adept in womanising, fathering children outside their own marriage and skilled in poisoning local watercourses - not that I am prejudging any outcome.

Jenny is definitely not happy and says that she will call an extraordinary meeting of the Farm Partnership, which gets arranged for Friday. Rooooth especially is thrilled, as she had planned to spend Burns’ Night at The Bull. Friday duly arrives and everybody turns up for the meeting, although they have no idea what it’s about. Jen reads out the charges Brian is facing and says that, should he plead not guilty and is convicted, there could be an unlimited fine and a possible custodial sentence. Should he plead guilty, the fine could be cut by one third (or one half - I tuned out).

Earlier on, in conversation with his wife, Brian says he’s not guilty “because lots of farmers buried dubious chemicals “ but Jen insists it was a criminal act. Let’s examine Brian’s argument here and extrapolate it to ‘I know I stabbed him your Honour, but I’m not guilty because there’s an awful lot of knife crime about.’ Hmm - I think it would take a jury of Brian Aldridge clones not to convict on the basis of that logic. Anyway, at the meeting Brian informs the other partners that he will be pleading not guilty.

There is a stunned silence among the meeting, broken by Adam saying “You’ve got to be kidding!” and asking what will it cost to go to court? Brian maintains that it’s not about the money, but his reputation, and the EA will have to produce hard evidence if they are to prove their case. This is greeted with scepticism by Adam, who says “so it‘s all about getting away with it?” However, there’s always one, isn’t there, as Alice says “Bravo!” We haven’t been told that she has been drinking, but that’s what the odds favour, given her past record.

Jennifer is even more appalled, saying that he would be lying under oath, to which Brian rather pompously replies “my conscience is my compass”, which is so pretentious that I thought Lynda had entered the room and was doing Brian impressions. Rooooth, who hasn’t said much, but has gasped every now and then, says “You do need to think hard about this Brian”, to which he replies that he’s thought of little else, as it’s his neck on the block.

One of the meeting (I think it was Jen) brought up the point that, should Brian go to trial and any of those at this meeting should be called as witnesses, does he expect them to commit perjury to save him? Brian’s answer would probably be ‘yes, of course’, but we’ll never know (or at least not until next week) as the week ends with Jennifer declaring “If you take our children down this road, well, I’m sorry - it would be the end, Brian - our marriage would be over.”

Well, have a good weekend Brian. Mind you, the Aldridges weren’t the only family to be sailing troubled waters, as Lizzie is causing concern among her siblings. The alarm is raised when Kenton turns up unexpectedly at Lower Loxley and finds Elizabeth in her dressing gown and the place, frankly - and even by Kenton’s standards - in a bit of a mess. She lets him in, reluctantly, and he starts questioning her - can he help with the postponed appeal to get the drinks licence restored?

Elizabeth is evasive, but eventually admits that she just couldn’t be bothered to go through with the appeal and didn’t turn up, so the whole thing has lapsed and she has to start again. She bursts into tears and says that she has made a complete mess of everything and that the licence is vital if Lower Loxley is to survive. While on the subject of Lower Loxley, whatever happened to the guy who ran the art gallery? It’s been so long since he appeared that I can’t remember his name and at this time of night, I’m not going back through previous blogs, so help me here, people, but why isn’t he noticing Elizabeth slowly falling apart?

Kenton is worried and decides to get the Archer siblings together. Now, it would take a total cynic to point out that he chose to invite Shula to the meeting that was supposed to be between him and David to discuss the money that Kenton owes his brother, so I won’t go there. Suffice it to say that David was less than impressed. Elizabeth was the only subject under discussion and Kenton says that he is worried. As the trio talk, David wonders if Elizabeth is clinically depressed and perhaps they should seek professional help. Shula confides that she went with Liz to the doctor’s and she was prescribed sleeping pills, but this is all totally confidential. It is agreed that they need to talk to Liz, but they cannot go mob-handed, so Kenton agrees to go tomorrow on behalf of them all. By the way, for the cynics amongst you, the David/Kenton loan was never mentioned at the meeting and David faces a £3.5 k bill for fixing the cooler and bulk tank.

Now let’s have a quick poll - out of David, Shula and Kenton, who would you pick to offer words of comfort, taking into account that Shula is the only one who officially knows about the sleeping tablets? Yes, me too, but they sent Kenton instead. He was doing ok until he mentioned the sleeping tablets, whereupon Elizabeth went ever so slightly ballistic and screamed at him to get out, saying that her sister had betrayed her trust. Another Archer family rift.

There was disturbing evidence that Emma might have inherited the worst aspects (and they are indeed manifold) of her mother’s character. Susan tells her daughter that she couldn’t sleep, worrying about Roy - he came in the shop, buying one-serving meals - that will be because he lives on his own, Susan - Susan was, in her usual unsubtle way, no doubt, probing Roy about Lexi’s pregnancy “and he practically told me to mind my own business.“ Wise words, Susan, but wasted, as she says “then it hit me like a thunderbolt [oh God, if only!] - it might not be Roy’s”

But what has this got to do with Emma? She has sussed out that Helen is keen on Lee. In fact they went for a country walk and she had wellies and weather-proof clothes, while he had white trainers and something like a T-shirt. Despite this obvious cultural disparity (sounds like Lynda, doesn’t it?) they end up holding hands - probably the only thing that saved the poor sod from frostbite - and Emma is pleased for Helen. The only genetic disparity between Emma and Susan is that Emma didn’t rush out and tell the village. Please God, don’t let her tell Susan, although that could get Susan sacked from the dairy. Not that I could be accused of being vindictive - not if you want to keep a full set of teeth, that is.

Not only was it an encouraging day for Helen, romance-wise, but the Montbeliarde cows arrive and, if you will forgive the metaphor, seem to be taking to Bridge Farm like ducks to water. Tom wants to call a meeting of the family, but he keeps rescheduling it because Natasha can’t make it, which begs the question when did she become a member of the family? 

In the end, she can’t make it any time, so Tom unveils their great plan for the veg boxes on his own. People nowadays, he says, want to order specific products online or on their phones, so he and Natasha are suggesting an online offering, encompassing all of Bridge Farm’s products. Oh, and by the way, it would be under the ownership of him and Natasha and not Bridge Farm.

Pat, Tony and Helen are taken aback by this, but Tony has a plan - fully costed - of his own; why not sell the Angus beef as another organic product, rather than sell off the beasts? Tom goes off to make a call (guess to whom) and Helen and the parents think that perhaps Natasha and Tom have a point, although there are reservations about the sole ownership. Helen says that the Angus beef idea could work, as they could also include the Montbeliarde bullock calves, as the breed is good for milk and beef. Tom returns and says that he was, initially, against the Angus beef idea, but he phoned Natasha and “she said Tony’s idea is compelling” so now he’s all for it. Apparently she also said that she thinks “the solution lies in the problem”, which some (me) might think she’s suspiciously like Lynda Snell.

We move on to Ben Archer who, along with Ruairi, is planning a sort of ‘anti-Valentines’ art movement, with exhibits including suspended hearts torn in half and love letters, especially written and shredded. This apparently has the approval of his college tutor (has Russ returned?) and the working title is ‘Love Sucks’ and they’d like to stage the event at Brookfield - what does Rooooth think? She says she’ll ask David, which immediately depresses Ben. However, all is not lost! Rooooth says that it’s a goer, but David wanted a 10pm curfew, which Rooooth got extended to 11pm. Considering the title of the event, it is surprising that most of the invitees are female. Or is it? I mentioned this story to a friend of mine - and I must state here that the friend is not Neil - and asked him what he thought about the concept ‘Love Sucks’? ‘Well - if you’re lucky’ was his reply.

A Cut Above

Charles Collingwood (Brian Aldridge)

Jennifer and Brian are not adapting well to semi-detached living, especially with Kirsty as a neighbour. Brian comes across Kirsty outside and says “we can’t go on like this” - he apologises for anything he might have said in the past and says can’t they have a truce and a fresh start? Kirsty doesn’t make things easy for him and is a tad sarcastic, but eventually accepts his apology and says “Ok, if you’re willing to try, then so am I.”

This spirit of compromise and cooperation is taken up by Jennifer. Willow Cottage is so small that she can clean it all in about six nano-seconds and so she decides to tackle the garden. The clematis has got out of control and needs a good hacking, but Jenny is handicapped by having blunt shears. Shula, who has been riding past, says that she’ll drop hers in for Jennifer and indeed she does so later (this is Monday). In keeping with the new ‘good neighbour’ policy, Jennifer asks Roy if he’d mind if she tidied up the clematis on his side? He’s all for it, and, armed with Shula’s super-sharp shears, Jennifer sets to with enthusiasm.

Too much enthusiasm, as it turns out, as she cuts neatly through Roy and Kirsty’s telephone wire, thus depriving them (and her and Brian) of both telephone and Internet connections. Jen is distraught and tells Brian “Things were getting better - now look what I’ve done.” While Roy and Kirsty accept that it was an accident, they are far from happy; especially when they learn that an engineer cannot come out until Thursday.

Thursday comes, but the phone man doesn’t, and Brian, who has been waiting in for him, gives up and goes down the pub. In fact, when the week ends, the phone man still hasn’t put in an appearance as far as we know, so the new entente cordiale at Willow Cottage is being sorely tested.

While Brian is at The Bull, he talks to David, telling him that his trial date has been set and he is convinced that the whole village is talking about “my heinous crimes”. David tells him that he’s being paranoid then makes an excuse and nabs Kenton as he is passing, saying that they need to talk.

For David isn’t at the pub to enjoy himself, but is trying to pin his brother down on when Kenton can repay the money that David lent him, as things are getting very tight at Brookfield. Oh and by the way, there was no standing order paid last month. Kenton denies that he has stopped the SO - he has just put it on pause, which is a very fine distinction. Times have been difficult at The Bull too and they have been operating on knife-edge margins, Kenton tells David. Not so tight that Kenton cannot afford to buy expensive vinyl records and new decks, David says, sourly, and says that they need to sort this out, quickly. Kenton suggests that they meet up next week (no day or time is specified) and goes off to serve a customer, leaving David frustrated and still hard up.

If times are hard for the brothers, spare a thought for the youngest of the siblings; Elizabeth. She tells Shula that she hasn’t slept properly since Christmas and she cannot find anything in the kitchen since Lily went back to Manchester - at Elizabeth’s insistence, incidentally. Shula insists that Lizzie rings her GP and she manages to get an appointment with a Locum. Lizzie doesn’t want her sister to go in with her and, when she emerges from the appointment, Elizabeth seems reluctant to talk about it, except to say that the doctor prescribed a short course of sleeping pills. Shula invites Elizabeth to join her at life drawing classes, which she has taken up to replace karate. Elizabeth says ‘thank you, but no thank you’, as it’s not really her scene. I suspect this story (Lizzie’s health, not the life drawing) still has plenty of legs (although I suppose the same could be said about life drawing, thinking about it).

Do you realise that 2019 marks the 50^thanniversary of the release of Led Zeppelin’s first album? ‘So what?’ I hear you say. Well (and I am the first to admit that this is a highly contrived and tenuous link) the opening track is entitled ‘Communication Breakdown’ and that is exactly what we had a Home Farm his week (ok, I didsay that it was contrived).

Alice is incredibly excited; her company, Pryce Bauman, is introducing a new, robotic fruit picker and she has arranged that it is trialled on the Home Farm strawberries. Not only that, but the icing on the cake is that Radio Borsetshire wants to interview her (must be an exceptionally slow news week). This could be her big break and she could be in for a bonus, or a promotion, or at least a pound of strawberries.

The interview is recorded and Alice joins Brian to listen to it. She says that there was one awkward moment, when the interviewer mentioned the contamination, but she managed to smooth this over. Brian agrees that she acquitted herself well and, immediately the broadcast is over, Alice receives a text from Adam, saying “we need to talk about the strawberries.” 

The meeting takes place on Friday at Chris and Alice’s house and, as well as the two of them, Brian and Adam are in attendance. Alice is full of enthusiasm and cannot stop talking, not noticing that Adam seems to have something to say. Eventually she shuts up and Adam drops his bombshell - the trial of the robotic fruit picker cannot take place at Home Farm, as he has decided that he is not going to grow strawberries any longer. Alice interrupts by saying that the machine will solve any labour problems, but Adam says that his reasons are based purely on economics - competition has brought the prices down and the irrigation system in the polytunnels would need considerable investment, if not replacing.

Alice’s response is “You can’t do this!” and “You must be out of your mind!” and she appeals to Brian. His view is that she should have spoken to Adam, as it is his decision what happens on the farm. Adam says that the first he knew about the machine was when he heard about the radio broadcast. The discussion gets heated, with Adam telling Chris that it has nothing to do with him and Chris telling Adam to be careful how he talks to his wife in his (Chris’s) house. The meeting breaks up and Alice is inconsolable, saying that she has made a complete fool of herself in front of her boss and she is a total and utter failure. Chris consoles her and assures her that she is brilliant, talented and other compliments. 

For those of you who were wondering where Toby had got to, he’s back - not only that, but we appear to have the old, inconsiderate Toby on our hands. Pip is annoyed, as she asked him to look after Rosie while she chaired a meeting of her farming innovation club. He got the date wrong and cannot do it, as he has some bottling to do. Pip is less than impressed and goes off to see Rex at Hollowtree. She tells him about his brother’s fecklessness and Rex is sympathetic. He tells her to go to her meeting and he will look after Rosie. Pip is delighted and scoots off.

At Rickyard, he comes across Toby and berates his brother for letting Pip down and for scrounging off her - yes, Toby does put in the occasional night shift, but he eats Pip’s food and does nothing to help clear up. Toby moans about the amount of looking after that Rosie needs and Rex scathingly tells him that it’s time he faced up to his responsibilities. Toby reminds Rex that he (Toby) doesn’t have to be there, as, if Rex remembers, Pip originally wanted to do the baby thing on her own. Pip comes in at this point and Toby says that Rex has been having a go at him. Rex tells Pip that Rosie has a clean nappy and he leaves, with her thanking him profusely.

Toby has definitely reverted to type - he complains about Ben blowing his shepherd’s whistle at all hours and the whistle mysteriously vanishes. Pip spots that Toby has it and asks if he is ever going to grow up - talk about a rhetorical question!

Elsewhere, Kirsty is worried about Philip - he seems to be doing so much, with work and the half marathon - and he looks tired all the time. The two meet and talk and it turns out that he was worried because he is so much older that her. For her part, Kirsty is also insecure; thinking that he might think of her as a loner, obsessed with ideals. The pair reassure each other and declare their love for one another, which is nice.

Brian startles Jen by telling her that he has a plan to stop people talking about him (Jen is upset because she overheard Emma and Lynda gleefully talking about how Brian was going to get his come-uppance at the forthcoming trial). Brian has a plan that will stop such gossip - he’s going to plead not guilty and opt for a trial. The Environment Agency will have to produce their evidence in front of a jury and, who knows, Brian may even be acquitted. Personally, I reckon the EA have got him bang to rights and the Judge is dusting off his black cap, but we‘ll see.

Susan serves Lexi in the shop and cannot help noticing - mostly because she’s a nosey cow - that Lexi has bought decaff coffee, rather than her usual, super-duper, rich, dark roast brand. Later, when she is in The Bull, celebrating with Neil, Ed and Emma the fact that the children have got approval for their mortgage for the affordable house, Susan cannot resist mentioning this to the family, saying: “plus she had that look about her”. In case nobody had grasped what she was talking about, she added “Maybe Roy’s going to be a dad again.”

Miss Marple has nothing to fear from Susan, as the interfering shopkeeper has, yet again, got the wrong end of the stick. At the end of the week, Lexi is at home with Adam and Ian and she reveals that, indeed, she is pregnant - she’s taken two tests and both were positive. This news was welcomed by the two men, who went ever so slightly delirious with much shouting and dancing around and hugs all round. Congratulations to all three of them and we will keep our fingers crossed. However, you cannot help wondering what sort of embarrassing situation Susan will create when she learns of the pregnancy, given that she is congenitally incapable of keeping such news to herself. If she puts one of her big feet in it by congratulating Roy on being the father, I think he should drown her in a vat of kefir, thus doing us - and the whole village, come to that - a tremendous favour.

Better Get Used To It, Lee

Ryan Early (Lee)

I fear that Lee, the karate instructor and physiotherapist is in for a confusing and disturbing time. Last time, we had Helen kissing him and he responded, saying that he’s wanted to do that for some time. ‘Good’, we thought, ‘Helen deserves some luck in love’. However, far from burning brightly, by Monday love’s flame was flickering and stuttering as Helen sought out Kirsty for a heart-to-heart, and tells her about the kiss.

Kirsty says that Lee seems nice, but Helen reveals that she is having second thoughts. The girls’ discussion is punctuated by Kirsty banging on the wall that separates her and Roy’s house from the newly-moved-in Aldridges, as the latter throw a party to jointly celebrate house warming and Jennifer’s birthday (her 64^thif my arithmetic is correct) and the noise makes Kirsty increasingly annoyed. Between thumping the wall, Kirsty says that Lee should be let down gently and Helen agrees that he deserves an explanation, although she has no idea what she will tell him.

It is Wednesday before Helen confronts Lee when karate has finished and tells him that she doesn’t want to hurt him, but she got carried away last week and doesn’t feel ready for a relationship. That’s ok, says Lee - they can be friends, but Helen says no; he’s a lovely guy, but she doesn’t think it would work out between them. She tries to tell him about her previous love life, but fails, saying only: “it’s complicated, but I think it’s best if we don’t see each other again” and rushes out.

Lee must be feeling confused - he’s lovely, but she doesn’t want to see him any more - plus he could be forgiven for wondering if his deodorant is doing its job as, just before he spoke with Helen, Shula told him that she doesn’t feel that karate is her thing and she won’t be coming any more. Going back to Helen, she can be forgiven as, to be fair, her experiences with men take some explaining away. Consider; her first fiancé shot himself, then the father of her first child was a sperm donor, then she had an affair with a married man who married her and then became a controlling monster who tried to crush her spirit and alienate her from family and friends, in which he was highly successful. He then raped her and she became pregnant and things came to a head when she attacked him with a knife, leaving him close to death. Subsequently, she had her baby in custody and was put on trial for attempted murder. In a dramatic outcome, she was acquitted and her husband tried to abduct their new-born child, but Helen faced him down and he fled the country for the USA, out of her life forever, hopefully.

Can’t you just imagine Helen relating all this and then asking Lee if he has any questions? My first question would be ‘where’s the exit?’ but if this relationship has any future, he is going to have to know all about Helen’s past. But hey - on Wednesday, the relationship is a non-starter, according to Helen. But that was Wednesday, and on Thursday, Helen is helping Johnny clear out a shed ahead of the arrival of the new dairy herd from France. She told him that she has to pop out for a while and goes to the Laurels, where Lee is seeing a physio patient.

Helen’s pretext is to return a book that she borrowed from him (a surprising statement, as Lee is the first to admit that the worlds of literature and drama are strangers to him - one assumes the book was about karate). The pair talk and Lee asks if she has to rush back. No is the answer and they have a coffee. Helen tells him that she wishes she was more spontaneous and Lee is confused - what is she saying? Helen says that she hasn’t dated for a long time and she was just overwhelmed when she kissed him last week. “So you’re not saying that you don’t like me?” Lee asks. “No, not at all - quite the opposite in fact.” Helen answers him.

Lee is confused, but the lad is a trier, as he rings Helen later and says that he is away on a course next week, but how about a date after he’s back? He suggests laser combat, or bullfighting, or something equally physical, while Helen says that that’s not really her scene and how about the theatre? “What, a play, you mean?” Lee asks and you know that any future relationship will definitely not be a meeting of minds. In the end, they compromise on a walk in the country, but wait! The day they decide on is when the Froggie cows are arriving and she’ll be needed on the farm. “Let’s do it” says the new, spontaneous Helen, throwing caution to the winds.

So, Lee, if you pursue this relationship, you’d better get used to Monday - it’s on; Tuesday - it’s off; Wednesday - it’s back on; Thursday - but you catch my drift. No doubt there will be times when you’ll want to bang your head against a brick wall, but hang on in there.

Changing the subject, we have often said in the past that, in Ambridge, no bad deed goes unpunished for long. I suppose that you could argue that Nic was never brought to account for running over Matt Crawford, but that was largely because she quickly died of sepsis, so you could say that she was punished - and very severely at that. However, last week we had an example of retribution arriving extremely swiftly and it was visited upon Brian Aldridge, which might please many readers.

Earlier we spoke of the simmering ill-feeling between Kirsty and Brian Aldridge, who are not-very-friendly neighbours. Kirsty complained because Brian parked his car where she normally parks hers. Not, you will notice, in her designated space (there is apparently more than ample space for a number of cars) but just where she normally leaves it. Keen to keep the peace, Jennifer goes out and moves Brian’s car.

Brian is ecstatic - it seems that BL Board member Andrew Eagleton was throwing a birthday party at the golf club and Brian and Jenny were omitted from the guest list. However, a day or so later, Brian gleefully tells Jenny that on the evening of the party there was a power cut at the golf club “and the food was cold and the band couldn’t play!” Brian tells her exultantly. Be warned Brian;Schadenfreude is not a becoming trait in a person.

He further blots his copybook when he has an argument with Kirsty over the noise of the Aldridge’s party earlier in the week - she complains and says that he’s not at Home Farm now and have some consideration. He replies that the fact that he and Jenny have had to downsize is none of Kirsty’s business and “you need to get a life, young lady - all this tree hugging and cycling around with your nose in the air.” Kirsty is indignant and says that she is just trying to make a difference, unlike Brian. But Brian has built up a head of steam and says: “these causes and campaigns - you’re just trying to fill a void; you should deal with the emptiness in your own life before you start interfering with other people’s lives.” “That’s a horrible thing to say” Kirsty replies and goes off, tearfully.

Jennifer has arrived and admonishes her husband, saying “what were you thinking of? Have you forgotten she’s just had a miscarriage?” “I didn’t mean…” Brian blusters, but Jenny tells him scathingly “Now look what you’ve done.” But now we come to the retribution, as a chastened Brian opens his mail and he learns that the court date for the prosecution by the Environment Agency has been set for February 5^th. “This is it Jenny - it’s really happening” he says, in a quiet voice. ‘And serves you right’ might be the reaction of many listeners.

Just think; if Brian is found guilty, he could be the latest member of the Ambridge ‘Mailbag Club’, joining such famous names as Matt Crawford and Susan Carter, plus Susan’s numerous brothers, who have all done time for various offences. Susan would be delighted to have something in common with the Aldridges, plus there is the fact that, if Brian can get put away quickly, he might get to share a cell with Freddie before the latter is released.

While Brian hasn’t been very nice to Kirsty, she has been a bit of a miserable cow recently, suffering from New Year blues. She is fed up working at the Health Club, which only well-off people can afford to patronise, and would like to do something to make the world a better place. Take some advice, Kirsty; these well-heeled people pay your wages.

We’ve spent a lot of time on a couple of storylines, so let’s whiz through what’s been happening elsewhere. At Grange Farm, Eddie and Clarrie have their free dinner at Grey Gables, but it’s not all good news - while they are delighted that Ed and Emma will have an affordable house before long, this means that their contribution to the rent will cease. Clarrie is troubled, because they told Joe a fib that they have come to an arrangement with Oliver over the amount. Eddie is all for living for the moment and orders another bottle of wine, regardless of the fact that it is not included in the free offer.

Over at Brookfield, there is concern over rising feed costs. Josh tells his mum and dad to come and look at the silage clamp - you can see the back wall, which means that it’s nearly empty. Silage is too expensive to buy in and David says that straw is very dear as well. They desperately need some money, as their feed costs are outstripping the price they are getting for their milk. David has another idea and goes to see brother Kenton to try and get Kenton to pay back the money that David lent him and Jolene a bit earlier than agreed.

Kenton isn’t listening to his brother, as he only has eyes for his two new record decks that he has purchased to give The Bull a USP - themed vinyl nights. David tries to prise Kenton’s attention away from what he calls Kenton’s ‘record players’ (“decks, David, decks” Kenton corrects him) and David might just as well have stayed at home for all the attention that his brother pays him.

It Might Be New Year, But Some Things Never Change

Susie Riddell (Tracy Horrobin)

When I say ‘some things’, I really meant ‘some people’, as on Thursday we had Tracy in the shop, buying cigarettes. As sister Susan reminded her, on New Year’s Eve, Tracy resolved to give up smoking. Tracy said that, when she made the Resolution, she meant it, but Bradley and Chelsea (her brats) are doing her head in and it’s either ciggies, or she’ll kill them. Oh yes, and give her a half bottle of vodka as well. Be fair - the Resolution lasted nearly 50 hours, which is probably the longest she has ever denied herself any of her numerous pleasures and, to be honest, we‘re not really surprised.

Jim Lloyd comes into the shop and he has Cecil Jackson’s vote for the best teller of the Canterbury Tales (the winner of the vote gets a dinner for two at Grey Gables). When Jim leaves, Tracy opens the vote and - surprise - it’s for Jim. Tracy suspects foul play and follows Jim. She spots him coming out of Mrs Chadwick’s house, saying that if she needs anything, be sure to get in touch. 

Tracy intercepts the Prof and spots that he has another Canterbury Tales vote, and promptly accuses him of buttering up people to get them to vote for him. Jim denies the allegation and says that he is merely visiting those who have been laid low by the flu to see if they need anything, and, should they want to give him their vote to post…Indignantly, Jim says “If you are accusing me of an act of malfeasance, you are acting under a misapprehension.”  You have to hand it to Tracy (and you wouldn’t be the first) as she knows her limitations, saying: “I haven’t got a clue what that means, but I know a cheat when I see one.”She offers to take Mrs Chadwick’s vote to the shop “to save you the walk”, but Jim points out that, as his house is adjacent to the shop, he thinks he can manage to deliver it himself.

We then have an interesting insight into the meaning of cheating, as, later on, Tracy finds out that Susan has a stash of unsold tickets (nominations have to be made on the back of a ticket from those who attended the performance) and Tracy says they can easily make sure that Susan tops the poll. Susan is scandalised at the thought and says that they cannot thwart the will of the people (“even if they are wrong”), which is strange, as she had just spent five minutes trying (unsuccessfully) to get Lily to vote for her as best tale teller.

Call me a tease, but I won’t reveal who won the coveted prize, but I will say that neither Jim nor Susan will be dining gratis at Grey Gables. Apparently Lilian, who could probably buy Grey Gables, is also desperate to win. All will be revealed later, if I remember.

At Bridge Farm, Tom has returned after spending the Festive Season with Natasha’s family. As Jenny drives Peggy to the Laurels to see Chris, Peggy says that she thinks Tom was hiding something when he returned. “I hope she’s not pregnant” Peg remarks. Well, they have been practising. Sticking with Peggy/Chris, Peggy tries again to get Chris to come back to the Lodge, but Chris says that she feels secure at the Laurels and she has an ideal solution - why don’t she and Peggy buy an assisted flat together at the Laurels. Peggy is not keen - actually she’s appalled - and turns her friend down.

True to form, back at Bridge Farm, Pat tries unsubtly to find out from Tom what’s going on. Tom counters by saying how much Natasha enjoyed her Christmas present bracelet, and how much it reminded Tom of the bracelet that Helen bought Pat a year or so back. Perhaps they could compare them to see? Pat prevaricates and Tom says, meaningfully, that “maybe there are things we’d both like to keep to ourselves. But don’t worry; it’s all good.”

I know you are all agog, but I can’t keep you in too much suspense - Tom and Natasha have both had identical tattoos, so Peggy will either be relieved or disappointed. We learn this when Tom tells Hannah, who is worried that things between Tom and Natasha are going ahead at breakneck speed. Let him get on with it, Hannah, says I.

Actually, Tom was a bit of an arse this week - he visited Lexi to return Adam’s phone, which he left in the Bridge Farm shop, and we know Lexi is staying with Adam and Ian (please keep up; there may be questions later) and she asks how is Roy? Tom replies that he’s in bits and is it surprising? (Roy told him about the surrogacy). Lexi isn’t best pleased that Roy has blown the gaff, and tells Tom that it’s none of his business. Tom says that Roy is his best friend and it is his business, to which Lexi says that she’d like him to leave. The parting shot from Tom is that he’s beginning to think that Roy has had a lucky escape. When Adam calls in later, Lexi tells him what happened; she’s worried that Tom will spread the news of the surrogacy, but Adam says that he will have a word with Tom and, besides, if the third (and final) embryo transfer isn’t successful, then it will all be academic.

At Home Farm (but not the farmhouse) Brian and Jenny are coming to terms with downsizing. In fact, Jenny gets a message from the agents - she has to go and drop off keys. This is when she is driving Peggy back from the Laurels and the pair of them enter the empty house (this is the day before NYE). Jenny says that she would like one last look at the kitchen (no doubt reflecting that the cost of the kitchen would have paid for the clean-up at Low Mead). She takes a last look and reflects on her life. It was here that Brian told her about him and Siobhan but, as she tells her mother in a voice breaking with emotion, she wouldn’t have changed anything in the past.

Brian moves into Adam’s new eco-office and immediately takes possession of the prime spot near the window and about 42,000 sq. ft. of filing space. Looking out of the window, he spots a van arriving at the farmhouse; it doesn’t look like a removal van, and in fact they begin unloading crates of champagne. A second van proves to be from a catering company and it looks like there is a party in the offing. The following day, Adam and Ruairi creep around outside the house and clear up empty bottles, broken glass, spilled food, etc. It looks like the new neighbours might be a bit on the lively side.

Lots of loose ends to clear up; at Lower Loxley, Russ is getting a tad fed up with being in Ambridge and encourages Lily to get packing so that they can get back to Manchester. He tells her that Ambridge is draining her and that she needs the stimulation of a big city. He calls her ‘a saint’ for looking after her mother, but she needs to escape the bubble of Ambridge. With pretentious claptrap like that, you fear that he could be the Christmas dramatic successor to Lynda Snell (God forbid).

Anyway, Lily says goodbye to her mother, who bursts into tears, and Lily and Russ set off. They get about 100 yards down the road and Lily yells “Stop!” and rushes back to her mum, saying that she just cannot leave her, as Lizzie isn’t well enough to be left on her own. Very touching, but one cannot help wondering what Russ’s reaction was when he got Lily on her own. Mind you, he should worry - he’s getting free board and lodging, not to mention the fact that Lizzie bought him a tank full of petrol.

From the touching to the definitely not sublime - at Grange Farm, Eddie is doing something with sheep, while Joe stands by, grumbling as usual. Suddenly, there is the sound of a lorry approaching; Eddie isn’t expecting a delivery, and he isn’t getting one, as we hear Clarrie giving the driver directions and instructions. What’s going on? What’s going, more like, and the answer is the portable toilet. Clarrie explains that she said it would go in the New Year and the lorry is here to take it away to a building site. Eddie and Joe ask why? “Because it’s an eyesore and stinks to high heaven” Clarrie explains, in a reasonable voice.

Joe is genuinely heartbroken and says he feels “quite emotional” and has become quite attached to the toilet. And this is the man who, when the Grundys were due to move to a housing estate some years ago, killed his pet ferrets with a hammer, as there was no room for them in the new home.

Apparently, his affection for the toilet is that it is the only place in the house where he can get any privacy, especially when he wants to go to the toilet. An odd family, the Grundys. Clarrie relents and tells him that he can have the downstairs toilet for his own, exclusive use. Furthermore, should he need to go during Cider Club meetings, she’s sure that there will be enough people to escort him to the house (can’t you imagine the people fighting for the privilege?) and he can have his own, personal golf umbrella. Joe is overcome with emotion - perhaps they should have got him a load of toilet rolls as a Christmas present. However, there is good news, as Eddie takes a phone call from Lynda - he has won the best tale teller in the Canterbury Tales poll; a free meal for two. Joe is pleased for them and tells them to enjoy themselves as “I’m spending the evening in my new, private convenience.” 

Let’s end on a note of optimism, although the early build up wasn’t promising; Helen got glammed up for New Year’s Eve and went down to The Bull, hoping to see Lee, the karate instructor. He wasn’t there and Helen returned home about 11.30, disappointed. However, we listeners heard Lee turn up shortly after, but it was too late; Helen had left.

On Friday, the pair meet up at the Laurels - Helen is visiting Chris and Lee has a physiotherapy patient. She buys him a coffee as a reward for his efforts at Henry’s birthday party and the two of them are getting on ok. Lee then asks, tentatively, whether Henry’s dad was there on NYE and a flustered Helen says that he and Jack don’t get to see their fathers. She then gets up and leaves.

‘God, not another missed opportunity’ we all scream, but fortunately Lee runs after her and says that he’s sorry; it was none of his business and he was just making sure that there was no-one else in her life. Helen calls him a very nice man and kisses him. She is embarrassed and says that, since her ex, she couldn’t believe that… Lee is delighted, saying that he has wanted to do that since the first time he set eyes on Helen and the couple kiss again as the week ends. I wish them both well - Helen deserves some grown up love and affection, so let’s hope it develops positively.

An Offer That Can Only Too Easily Be Refused

Carole Boyd (Lynda Snell)

The mystery of the missing bum continues to haunt the production of the Canterbury Tales and Lynda calls on PC Burns, demanding to know why he hasn’t widened the scope of the search and where are the police car patrols, not to mention the helicopters? Actually, you do wonder if Harrison is putting his heart and soul into the search, as later in the week, Fallon finds the fake bum in Brookfield’s yard, which isn‘t that far from the barn/theatre. Sadly, it is mutilated beyond repair, so what do they do now?

Lynda wants PCB to bare his bum on stage, but he isn’t having any of it. Perhaps someone could knock up a substitute before the weekend, but who has the time? Lynda hands the cast an ultimatum - if they cannot come up with a solution, then she will have to accept Nathan Booth’s offer; he has offered to be a body double and to expose his rear end on stage. This is greeted with gasps of revulsion from all the cast, but Lynda is adamant. 

Cometh the hour, cometh the man and David tries to persuade son Ben to save the day and come up with a papier mache bottom, moulded round two balloons. Ben makes his father beg and then demands £50 as his fee to save the production. David offers £30 tops, which still isn’t a bad sum for doing, frankly, not very much - I’d remember this incident when you next update your Will, David.

Actually, Ben gets his comeuppance a few days later, as he and Ruairi are helping David move some heifers. David shouts a warning about an open gate - presumably left open by ramblers - but it is too late, and a number of the cows make a break for freedom. Ben and Ruairi corner them in a field but one, for reasons best known to itself, jumps into a waterlogged ditch and cannot get out. Ben jumps in to help the struggling bovine and, in addition to the freezing water, he gashes his arm. David, who could perhaps be forgiven for thinking ‘Yes, there isa God’ arrives to help Ben and the heifer out.

He tells Ben to go back to Brookfield and get a hot bath. On his arrival, Rooooth has an attack of the vapours and is all for dragging him to A&E, but all Ben wants is a slug (or two) of brandy. Rooooth hurries him inside and Ben asks “What about your rehearsal?” “Sod the rehearsal” his mother replies, thus articulating what many of us have been thinking for weeks. She eventually goes off 30 minutes late and, presumably, is given lines, or made to sit on the naughty step for a while. Back at Brookfield, Ruairi congratulates Ben on a superb performance and Ben tells him to get the brandy bottle out from where Rooooth has hidden it.

We learn later that Ben did go to hospital and had a tetanus jab, which surprised me, as you’d think that, being a farmer, he’d be well up to date with injections. Not only that, but I thought that, if you’ve had three of these jabs, then you were protected for life? At least, that’s what my doctor told me, although come to think of it, I don’t think he’s ever really liked me that much.

Towards the end of the week, we learn from Eddie that Joe is “heartbroken”. Why so? Has Bartleby been called to that great paddock in the sky? Has Adele the ferret been mugged by vicious, feral rabbits? The actual answer is rather more prosaic than that - after the portable toilet-emptying debacle, Clarrie has decreed that she wants to see the toilet got rid of early in the New Year. Honestly, some women are so fussy - just because her daughter-in-law was sprayed with excrement and more was spread over the garden, Clarrie has put her foot down and denied Joe one of the few pleasures that he has in his life, which tells you a lot about the quality of his day-to-day existence.

Of course, last week was Christmas week, which is usually a time for Jennifer to shine and show off her culinary prowess. Not this year, however, as everything is being packed up, ready for the moving out of the farmhouse. Jennifer says that it won’t be much fun, just her Brian and Ruairi, to which Brian says make that just you and I, as he has told Ruairi that he can go to Brookfield for Christmas dinner. Jennifer is delighted that Ruairi will be having a festive celebration, and she is even more pleased when Brian reveals that he has booked them in for Christmas lunch at a smart restaurant.

The meal is delicious and Brian and Jennifer talk about such happy things as whether Lexi will get pregnant this time and Brian’s forthcoming prosecution by the Environment Agency. They propose a toast “here’s to living in a shoebox” and it’s lucky that they are on the dessert course, so that there are no sharp pieces of cutlery around with which to slit their wrists. Brian is still very anti, as far as the buyers of the farmhouse are concerned and you feel that he’d prise up the floorboards and remove the nails, if he only had more time.

For her part, as she tells Lilian later, Jenny was going to have the place professionally cleaned, but has decided that the buyers can do it themselves. Thinking about it, I suppose the buyers are lucky that she didn’t get Eddie to come and spread some of the contents of the portable toilet around the house and garden - that would have been a truly novel ’welcome to your new home’ gift. 

Christmas dinner at Brookfield was a standing room only job, with David telling Emma that there will be 13 for lunch - something that does not bode well. The main point of interest is the first official outing of Russ as Lily’s boyfriend (or ‘life partner’ as he later tells Jill he prefers to be known). Josh is helping his grandmother by preparing sprouts in the kitchen - he has taken Ben’s place (this was another reward for Ben making the fake bum) and Josh is moaning and grumbling about it incessantly.

Into this scene of festive cheer and goodwill to all march Elizabeth, Lily and Russ. Russ is introduced to Jill and Josh says “hello Mr. Jones.” “Please, call me Russ - we’re not at college now” says Russ, to which Josh replies that he prefers ‘Mr. Jones’, as it’s a bit weird, calling teachers by their Christian names. We have been told that Russ and Josh have a bit of history, as Russ once had to discipline the stroppy young so-and-so and the atmosphere between the two soon becomes a bit more fraught when Josh starts needling Mr. Jones about his art, and what does he think about sculpture, particularly young nude ladies? It’s a pity that Russ didn’t remember that they weren’t at college, as he could have smacked Josh in the mouth. Instead, as Russ, Lily and Elizabeth are leaving, David apologises for Josh’s behaviour. “It’s OK, I’ve got a thick skin” Russ answers. Lucky for him - he’ll need it if he sticks around Ambridge for any length of time.

While all this is going on, Jill is ever so slightly flummoxed - first of all, she thought Lily was romantically involved with a girl called Meredith and secondly, nobody told her that Russ was so old, nor that he was a tutor at Lily’s college. “He didn’t teach me” Lily tells her Gran. So that’s all right then.

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but all through the pre-, during- and post-dinner conversations, the voice of Rooooth was nowhere to be heard. Considering that she was, nominally at least, the hostess of the event, she didn’t utter a dicky bird throughout the entire meal, nor was Russ introduced to her, as far as we heard. Perhaps she had got fed up with Josh’s whining and retired to bed with a bottle or two of brandy.

One person who did notice the atmosphere was Lily, as she told Pip the following day when Pip visited Lower Loxley and began apologising for Josh’s behaviour. Pip also told Lily that she understands how her cousin feels, as she (Pip) once had an older boyfriend - Jude - and everyone was against him. Quite right, and those of us who remember Jude can understand this attitude perfectly, as he was a waste of space. And how long ago that was!

Lily protests that her relationship with Russ is not just a teenage crush, but the real thing, and there is the beginning of a tense atmosphere between the two girls. The situation is saved when Lily apologises, saying that things have been very difficult over the past few weeks, plus she is very worried about Freddie, who rang Elizabeth and said that he had had a pretty awful Christmas. “Never mind; you’ll soon be back at Uni in Manchester” Pip replies. Personally, I wouldn’t be so sure about that, as Elizabeth is still a long, long way of taking over responsibility for the smooth running of Lower Loxley, as Lily keeps telling Russ.

Having had Christmas off, the day after Boxing Day was eventful for Rooooth; not only was this the day that Ben rescued the heifer from the ditch, but Rooooth is facing a crisis of confidence and competence. It was the day of the Dress Rehearsal for Canterbury Tales and, if the old adage that ‘a bad dress rehearsal means a great first night’ carries any truth, then Canterbury Tales will be taking Broadway by storm before long. Words like ‘dire’, ‘appalling’ and ‘fiasco’ sum it up nicely. Rooooth cannot remember her lines and tearfully reminds David that she (along with the vast majority of the cast) never wanted to be in the production in the first place. Never mind, Rooooth has the solution - she will only appear on stage with a script in her hand “and if Lynda doesn’t like it, then I won’t do it at all.”

Brave words, but I fear Rooooth is wildly optimistic and is risking the wrath of Lynda and at least a flaying alive, if she’s lucky. David appears to realise this too and, probably worried that an annoyed Lynda could torch his barn in a fit of pique, tries to persuade his wife to abandon the script idea. He tells her that, when she spoke her lines to him, she was word perfect. Rooooth retorts that it was easy speaking at the kitchen table, but standing in front of a crowd is a different matter altogether. David says that he will be standing offstage, where Rooooth can see him and she should speak her lines to him alone and ignore the audience.

Friday is the opening night and Rooooth (who is playing the part of - among others - Chaucer) is the first to speak. She walks out on to the stage to be greeted by a huge roar of applause (which must have been difficult to ignore) and begins to speak. Of course, it all goes perfectly, as you always knew it would, and the barn remains unscathed. Another Snell triumph (and hopefully the last).

So, we say ‘goodbye’ to 2018 and welcome in the New Year. Neil and Peter wish you all a happy, peaceful and prosperous 2019 and thank you for your good wishes and comments over the past year.