“No Need To Panic, But I‘ve Called For An Ambulance”

Lesley Saweard (Christine Barford)

This week’s title is the less-than-reassuring message that Fallon tells Brian when he takes her phone call and she goes on to explain “it’s Christine; she’s had a bad fall.” Actually, it wasn’t so much of a fall as a trip by Hilda Ogden (probably with malice aforethought); Chris was making tea in the kitchen for her and Fallon (they were looking at wedding photos) and Hilda was making a nuisance of herself, wanting to be fed. Chris went base over apex, the ambulance was called and it’s a fair bet that Hilda went hungry.

Fallon spends most of the night at A&E and the next day, when Peggy is visiting, she sings Fallon’s praises to Kenton, saying “that girl’s got a heart of gold; but I don’t have to tell you - she’s your stepdaughter.” Kenton is left feeling uncomfortable - he has condemned PCB for not turning a blind eye to what Kenton describes as a one-off mistake and arresting Freddie, thereby alienating Fallon. Kenton subsequently learned that, far from being a drug dealing virgin, Freddie has been at it for months and was responsible for Noluthando’s ecstasy overdose, as well as supplying the pickers at Home Farm and students at college.

Fallon decides it’s time to leave when she learns that Kenton is at the hospital, but he catches up with her in the car park. He grovels and says he was wrong about Freddie, adding that being caught now has probably saved him from jail - or worse. What does Kenton think a young offenders’ institution is - a holiday camp? He begs Fallon to forgive him and she does. They hug and Kenton says that Peggy was right; “you’ve got a heart of gold.”

Meanwhile, the news of the extent of Freddie’s dealing is leaking out. Josh tells Rooooth that Ellis has been arrested and the story is all over the Internet. Josh tells his mum that Freddie was dealing everywhere and Rooooth can’t take it in. “Would Freddie really be so stupid?” She asks. “Are you serious?” Josh replies, adding: “I’m just surprised he was smart enough to get away with it for so long.”

David is driving Elizabeth to see Freddie (four and a half hours, the sat nav says) and, on the way, she nearly lets slip the fact about Lily and Russ setting up home, just managing to distract David at the last moment as they arrive at the YOI. Honestly, is everybody in the Pargetter family harbouring some dark secret? At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if Nigel turned up suddenly, saying that he’s been living abroad for the past seven and a half years and wasn’t actually dead. David, incidentally, isn’t allowed into the building and, after driving all the way, is told by Lizzie to stay in the car. We weren’t told if she gave him a Tizer and a packet of crisps.

The meeting between mother and son was not a happy one; Elizabeth noticed that Freddie had a black eye, but when she kept going on about it, he told her not to fuss. Elizabeth is badly affected by the visit and, in the car afterwards, she breaks down, sobbing and tells David that Freddie was terrified and how he had been assaulted. She’s going to write to the Governor - Freddie isn’t cut out for this sort of life; he’s sensitive, like his father. No doubt the Governor will offer Freddie the spare room in his house - Elizabeth seems unable to get on top of the fact that Freddie has been sent to the YOI as a punishment and she regards it as checking into a not-very-good hotel and, if you don’t like the room, then complain.

On Friday, she goes to see Usha, leaving David and Kenton in the pub. Kenton fills David in on Freddie’s dealing history and Elizabeth returns, very upset with Usha. Lizzie had gone to see her to discuss appealing Freddie’s sentence, as the judge was biased, but Usha says that, not only was the sentence fair, but Freddie was lucky to get what he did and there are no grounds for appeal. David and Kenton tell their sister that, if there are no grounds for appeal, then the best thing Freddie can do is serve his time “but it doesn’t mean that we’ve turned our backs on him.” Elizabeth is in argumentative mood and she snaps back “that’s exactly what it means - you might have given up on Freddie, but I’m not going to.” Presumably we can expect to see a file-shaped cake being smuggled in, or Elizabeth digging an escape tunnel into the facility.

Moving away from Freddie, I must say that young Hannah is a bit of a goer. On Monday she rings up Tom and tells him that it’s her lunch break “and I’m feeling a bit peckish.” Would Tom like to join her at home for a nibble (and I use the word advisedly)? For someone who is supposedly booked up for months ahead, Tom is able to quickly drop everything, including his clothes. The pair are in bed, when the front door opens and it’s Johnny Gooseberry again, wanting to tell Tom about some cows he is thinking of buying. He wanders around the house, calling Tom’s name, as Tom and Hannah frantically try to find their clothes. They hit on the idea of staging a blazing row, loudly insulting each other’s untidiness. Johnny doesn’t seem to think it odd that a) they are in Hannah’s bedroom and b) that they tell him not to come in. Tom tells Hannah she’d be more at home with her pigs and Johnny says miserably “Come on guys, don’t ruin it - everything was going so well.” Well, it was until you walked in Johnny.

On Thursday, Hannah and Tom are at it again. Jazzer accosts Hannah walking home for another spot of lunch and he feels that she’s a bit off with him, over things he said earlier in the week. “I’ve heard about you and Tom” the Scotsman says. “Heard what?” Hannah asks warily. Jazzer replies that he’s heard about their row and, if she needs any advice on how to deal with Tom, he’s her man. “I’m just going to have it out with him now” she says.

And indeed, she does. Hannah seems strangely keen to get Tom and Natasha together and she asks him how he got on with her after his recent visit. Tom bangs on about her farm and how good it is, but Hannah’s not interested in that. Tom says Natasha is way out of his league and, anyway, he is a romantic disaster area, who left his last girlfriend at the altar. Hannah says why doesn’t he call Natasha and invite her over – what has he got to lose? Tom agrees and reaches for his phone. “Not now,” Hannah tells him indignantly, “When we’ve finished.”

Unfortunately, they have  finished, as the doorbell rings. Hannah peeks out of the bedroom window – it’s Jazzer, standing on the doorstep and carrying a large bunch of flowers. What are they for, she asks and he says that they are an apology for the things he said the other day. He also remarks on the fact that she is clad in a dressing gown. Is she upset with him? Hannah answers “no” but I suspect that she will be if he doesn’t scarper pronto so she can get back to having it out with Tom. Poor Jazzer – he obviously thinks that, if Hannah and Tom are rowing with each other, he is in with a chance with her. As for Hannah and Tom, every time they try to be intimate, someone knocks on the door, or returns home unexpectedly – they’d be better off trying to consummate their relationship on Felpersham station.

There are changes afoot at Borsetshire Land, where two new members have been appointed to the Board. Justin is throwing a party to welcome them aboard and Lynda is keen to get an invite. She asks Brian to ask Jen to ask Lilian to work on Justin. Lilian has a go at Brian for suggesting that Lynda might be invited, as it’s for BL Board members only and selected local dignitaries. We then have the ridiculous situation where all those mentioned above don’t want Lynda to come, but nobody has the guts to tell her to butt out, so she turns up at the party.

She immediately begins flattering Justin and Lilian, saying that their performances in Mother Goose a few years back were the highlight of the show and might they be tempted to step into the limelight once again for her latest production? She won’t tell them what it is, but that she wrote the parts especially for them, adding that this will be her directorial swansong. Lilian seizes eagerly on this and says “Of course we’ll do it, won’t we Justin?” I suppose that, if they were scared to say no to her being at the party, they certainly won’t have the guts to tell her to take a hike and begin her directorial retirement a few months early. Will Lynda retire? Past experience leads me to think that this is highly unlikely. Also at the party, Brian has news for Jenny – one of the new BL directors (Glenda) is a property developer and she is keen for BL to buy the Home Farm farmhouse and turn it into luxury flats. Brian is concerned that Jen will be upset, but she says that it doesn’t matter who buys it or what they have planned – the important thing is to get the best price. “It’s only business” she tells her husband.

I couldn’t let this week’s blog pass without mentioning the Flower & Produce Show (actually I could – only too easily – but I have another 250 words to write). Brian and Peggy’s clandestine information-gathering paid off, as Jenny won the Freda Fry Memorial Cup. Clarrie approached Fallon (one of the judges) and mentioned that Poppy is ever so keen for Nic’s recipe Harvest Pie to win something, even though Clarrie knows this is highly unlikely, as it was just Nic’s way of getting the children to eat up leftover vegetables. Clarrie doesn’t actually bung her a few quid, but it was touch and go.

Afterwards, Clarrie tells Fallon that Poppy was heartbroken that the pie won nothing. Fallon, who has just had an encounter with Kenton, who said nastily “I hope Harrison can sleep at night, because I doubt Freddie can”, snaps at Clarrie. “I can’t make everybody happy” and walks off. However, she soon returns and has made a ‘Special Commendation’ award for the Harvest Pie on an official F&P form for Poppy, who is now over the moon instead of being in floods of tears.

Finally, is there a hint of sexual chemistry between Jim and Lynda? OK, I know it’s unlikely, but bear with me on this. At the F&P show Lynda is admiring Clarrie’s flower arrangement and Clarrie wonders if Lynda is in with a chance with her entries. Lynda modestly plays down her prospects, saying “Having seen Jim’s impressive specimen, I fear I may be up against stiff competition.” Surely a double entendre if ever I’ve heard one!