Double Trouble

Andonis James Anthony (Russ Jones)

When her twins were born (12/12/99 - a little early and by C-section) Elizabeth must have felt doubly blessed; not least because she was suffering from a congenital heart condition and there were concerns for her life. What a difference 18+ years make! Good job Lizzie got that heart condition sorted out, as the events of the past few weeks would probably have speeded her towards an early grave and both her children would have been responsible.

Freddie started it all by getting busted for dealing drugs and his hopes of a slap on the wrist were dashed when his case was referred to the Crown Court in September and the threat of a prison sentence now hangs over him like the sword of Damocles. Lizzie then alienated her daughter, Lily, by forgetting to enquire about her A-level results and concentrating solely on Freddie’s future. Lily promptly went awol and refused to answer her mother’s calls.

Lizzie asked Usha what was the likely result when Freddie goes to court, but she couldn’t say, although she did say that his chances aren’t being helped by his refusal to tell the police about Ellis and his part in the drug dealing. Is there anything else that might help him? A miracle would be handy but, failing that, a character reference may convince the judge that Freddie is contrite and has learned his lesson. After all, the reference that Neil wrote for Helen helped get her off attempted murder, says Usha.

A whizzo wheeze, Elizabeth thinks and, after being told that David, or any family member come to that, wouldn’t be eligible, she resolves to approach Neil. This she does and he says that, while he understands what it’s like to have someone you love under the cloud of a prison sentence (he means Susan the llama-napper, who did time a few years ago - well, she is a Horrobin and the police presumably thought she must therefore obviously be guilty of something) he doesn’t feel that he could, in all conscience, write a reference. The reasons are twofold; firstly he hardly knows Freddie and, secondly, he holds strong feelings on the subject of drug dealing and the scum that carry it out.

With Plan A having gone tits up, Elizabeth needs to find someone else. She meets with Oliver, who says that he admires the way that she is coping with the disaster that is befalling Lower Loxley and he will be only too pleased to take over bookings at Grey Gables while Elizabeth is having troubles with her drinks licence. As it is, Lizzie is having to jump through hoops for the Licensing Committee, such as installing CCTV to cover the gloomier corners of Lower Loxley’s, presumably extensive, corridors.

Oliver is keen to impress on Elizabeth how much he wants to help, saying that he will speak up for Lizzie at the upcoming Licensing meeting and: “if there’s anything that Grey Gables can do - anything at all - we’re ready and willing.” Funny you should say that, Ollie, me old mate, as Elizabeth asks him if he would write Freddie’s character reference. We swiftly learn that ‘anything at all’ means ‘anything except writing references’ as he thinks that he’s not really the right person, as he hardly ever met Freddie and doesn’t really know him. Thinking about it, that could be a distinct advantage, as if someone who knew Freddie well penned a truthful reference, then phrases like ‘wet as a Welsh weekend’, ‘away with the fairies’ and ‘tenuous grip on reality’ wouldn’t help much.

Oliver suggests that perhaps one of Freddie’s tutors at college might be more suitable. Unfortunately, it’s the summer vacation, but Elizabeth thinks that surelysomebody will be on the premises. Indeed, somebody is and Elizabeth’s request to talk to the Principal isn’t possible, as he’s away on holiday. Nevertheless, Lizzie tells the tutor about the character reference and he says that perhaps he could help “as Freddie’s and my paths have crossed on occasions.” The tutor introduces himself as Russ Jones, the Deputy Principal, but you had already guessed that, hadn’t you, gentle reader? Fortunately Russ doesn’t add that he knows Freddie because he’s bonking his twin sister, and Elizabeth eagerly accepts his offer.

Freddie, says Elizabeth, isn’t particularly academic but Russ says that he has a good imagination, is perceptive and that he will learn from this experience and become a law-abiding adult. Lizzie mentions Lily, whom Russ describes as “exceptionally gifted” (“and dynamite between the sheets” - sorry, I made that up). He would be honoured to write the reference, if Lizzie trusts him to do it. I should say so! “That’s what I like about this college - we’re like one big, happy family” says Russ, which surely makes his relationship with Lily incestuous.

Elizabeth returns to Lower Loxley in a happier frame of mind and, when Lily returns later, fresh from lunch with Phoebe, who tried to make her see sense and to go to uni on her own, leaving Russ at home, Elizabeth tells her about Russ and the reference (which he has already e-mailed and it’s a glowing endorsement). “He’s such a lovely man” Lizzie tells her daughter. “And dynamite between the sheets” replies Lily. No she doesn’t - I’m sorry. However, Lily does say that “I’m really glad you liked him mum - he’s such an amazing man. I love him and he loves me. We’re together - we’re an item. We’re in love and we’re in a relationship.” Fortunately for Elizabeth’s heart, Lily doesn’t mention that Russ is married, but you can tell from Lizzie’s tone that she’s somewhat surprised by Lily’s news.

There were mixed experiences for Tom and Helen at Bridge Farm. Firstly Helen, who is having trouble with seven-year old Henry. He’s bored with everything she suggests they do and is behaving more like a stroppy teenager. Oh yes - he wants a phone too; everyone in his class has got one. So, when Ian phones and invites Helen for lunch, she agrees, saying that an hour of grown-up conversation is exactly what she needs.

Then again, maybe not, as, after lunch, Ian announces that Borsetshire Blue has become bland recently and he is taking it off the Grey Gables menu. If Helen can get it back to its former taste and quality, he’ll reinstate it, but he has the reputation of Grey Gables to think of. Helen is devastated and she and Pat sample recent batches of the cheese - they agree that Ian was correct and Helen begins an exhaustive and forensic examination of her records to see if she can account for the deterioration in quality.

Meanwhile, Tom has received a text from Natasha, a girl who he met on his Nuffield course and who has gone on to make a great success of her Summer Orchard brand of fruit drinks. Tom invited her to Bridge Farm and the text was to say that she’ll come on Thursday. We learn that, as well as being a business whizz, Natasha is quite a looker and, when Tom introduces her to Johnny and Helen and then leads her off for a tour of the farm, Johnny tells Helen “he totally fancies her, doesn’t he?” “Totally” Helen agrees. Natasha is impressed by the shop and some aspects of Bridge Farm’s operations and she didn’t throw up when given natural flavour Kefir to taste. She promises to e-mail Tom with her thoughts in a day or two. I suspect we haven’t seen the last of Natasha and perhaps Johnny should be looking to find somewhere else to live.

I wouldn’t be surprised if PC Burns decided to kill Lynda Snell and, to be honest, no jury in the world would convict him. The woman is round Woodbine cottage every other day, asking him how things are progressing in the llama-napping investigation. The answer is “not very well” and he is hoping that she will just go away and forget about it. No chance - I reckon she has the Chief Constable on speed dial - and she keeps making threats about going over PCB’s head. Lynda even questioned Fallon and later told PCB that she felt that Fallon’s demeanour was “shifty”. Both Fallon and PCB know that Susan was the abductor, but he said that he wouldn’t grass her up.

Meanwhile, Fallon is upset, as there is already an undercurrent of bad feeling against her new husband because he arrested Freddie Pargetter and, if Freddie goes down, this will get a million times worse. Plus, PCB is taking his Sergeant’s exam next year and he could do without Lynda sticking her oar in. Fallon tells Hannah that she thinks that the person responsible should confess to Lynda - after all, no crime was committed, despite what Lynda might think. Fallon goes to see Susan and tells her that she knows that Susan kidnapped the llama and Lynda is giving PCB grief. Susan begs her not to tell anyone else and that she only did it because she was drunk. Fallon says that her husband is being harassed by Lynda and it’s time for Susan to confess to Lynda.

Susan refuses point blank - if people knew it was her, she’d never be able to live it down. She couldn’t bear the humiliation and, besides, she and Neil have ‘a certain standing in the community.’ No you don’t Susan - you work in a shop and a dairy and Neil is a man in charge of a large number of pigs. Fallon obviously feels pretty much the same and she tells Susan that, if she won’t tell Lynda, then she (Fallon) will. I look forward to that.

Jim is having a go at Alistair because he thinks that Shula is taking advantage of him - after all, it was she who ended the marriage, yet Alistair who moved out of the marital home and who seems to be taking all the blame. Alistair goes to see his soon-to-be-ex-wife and returns to Jim’s house, having got nowhere. Jim has had a talk with Jazzer and says that he’s worried about his son. Then he has an idea - what Alistair needs is a hobby, so Jim arranges for Kiki, his piano teacher, to come and give Alistair a lesson. She does so and, afterwards, Jim asks Alistair how it went. “Absolute purgatory” Alistair replies, adding that it reminded him of lessons he had in his youth, when Jim would withhold his pocket money if he didn’t practice. Jazzer suggests a drink and Alistair agrees - several big ones, he says.

Emma is still moaning about the Beechwood development and lack of affordable houses. Never mind - she’ll be able to have her say at the Parish Council meeting. No she won’t, says Neil, as an interested party, she’ll have to leave the room. Even worse, when the District Council debates the matter, Neil will have to withdraw as he too is classed as an interested party. Emma is not impressed, but maybe there is hope on the horizon, as we are reminded that Peppa Pig, the Texel ram, was awarded third prize at a show and Ed was offered £4,000 for him and he’s not fully grown yet (that’s Peppa, not Ed). If he can get a couple more like Peppa, then he and Emma will be able to afford a deposit on a Beechwood house and then perhaps Emma will stop going on about how unfair it all is. She may even be able to give up one of her myriad jobs and achieve ‘a certain standing in the community’, like her deluded mother.

The Curious Incident Of The Llama In The Night

Charlotte Martin (Susan Carter)

On Sunday, Jolene is badly hungover after Fallon’s Hen Night and she tells Shula that she really can’t remember much that happened after 9pm. Suddenly, Jolene’s phone rings - it’s Fallon and she’s in a bit of a state, telling her mother to get over there quickly as “I don’t know what to do.”

The panic is because Constanza, Lynda’s llama, is ensconced in Fallon’s garden and is eating the grass and refusing to move. Harrison turns up and wants to get to cricket, but Jolene and Fallon beg him to help them. Has he any ideas? PCB is reluctant to get involved in what is obviously a drunken prank, but suggests that, if they can get a halter round the beast’s neck, it might persuade it to move. Indeed it does and the girls lead it down to Ambridge Hall. Luckily for them, the Snells are away.

A couple of days later, Jolene is talking to Alice about the llama and Alice denies having anything to do with it. Alice runs into Lynda later and asks if Constanza has recovered from her adventure. A mystified Lynda says that they were away Saturday night and what is Alice talking about? Alice tells her and adds that she has no idea who abducted the llama. Lynda is incensed and says that she will find out - it is a serious offence, she adds, sternly.

True to her word, Lynda seeks out PCB and tells him what happened. Harrison tries to make light of the whole thing, but Lynda sniffs and says that it’s no laughing matter - it was deliberate theft. PCB corrects her, saying that it wasn‘t, as there was no intention to permanently deprive the owner of the object in question. Lynda is not happy and, when PCB describes it as “a daft prank”, she demands that he investigates and, if he doesn’t, she will report the matter to his superiors. PCB is sitting his sergeant’s exam soon, so he doesn’t need the aggro. “Give me a break - I’m getting married on Friday. Tell me you’re joking” he says. Lynda’s response to this is a sniff of stratospheric proportions and PCB realises that he is going to have to get out the deerstalker and magnifying glass and start asking questions.

All is revealed on Harrison and Fallon’s wedding day, when PCB takes Susan to one side and tells her that he knows that it was she who abducted Constanza. At first, Susan denies it, but then asks him how he found out. It was simple, says Harrison, as the entire village was talking about the llama incident; everybody that is except Susan, who kept quiet about it, “even though you have a bit of a reputation as a village gossip.” Indignantly, Susan exclaims “I do not!” and her nose grows another six inches. “Don’t lie to a police officer” PCB says sternly. Susan begs him not to tell Lynda, or she will never hear the end of it. After all, as Susan reminds him, she did come to the rescue over what Jazzer was wearing as Fallon’s bridesman earlier (more details to follow). PCB relents and tells Susan that her secret is safe with him, but heaven only knows what he will tell Lynda.

So, how did Susan save the day? On the morning of the wedding, Jazzer rings up Kirsty, who, along with Jolene, is helping Fallon with her makeup and floral decorations. Can he come up? Kirsty says Fallon isn’t ready yet, but she, Kirsty, will come down and see Jazzer. When she does, she is horrified - Jazzer is wearing his brother’s check suit, which doesn’t quite fit. “It’s the McCreery tartan” Jazzer tells her, proudly, but Kirsty’s response is that he looks like a badly-dressed bookie and he cannot possibly wear that get up, as everyone will be looking at him and not at Fallon, on her special day. “But I haven’t got anything else” says Jazzer and asks if Kirsty is really sure that Fallon wouldn’t like it?

Kirsty is really sure and phones Chris. Susan answers and Kirsty asks if Chris has any clothes that he can lend Jazzer, dragging the walking fashion disaster to her car. Chris has got some clothes, but they don’t quite fit. No problem, says Susan, as she undoes the seam on the back of a waistcoat. “That’s my favourite waistcoat!” cries an anguished Chris, but Susan reassures him that she can stitch it back together later.

This makes the Groom and bridesman a tad late for the wedding and Fallon and Jolene are waiting outside. Harrison tells his bride-to-be that she looks amazing and he’s sorry he’s late. “So, shall we get married then?” he asks. “Yes. Let’s” Fallon replies. Cut to the reception, where Chris’s speech (in which he refers to Harrison dressing up as Ginger Spice) goes down well. Chris then says that the DJ cannot get to them for an hour or so and he hands over to Jazzer, who has been tasked with providing entertainment to fill in the time. There is some trepidation in the bridal party - what has the mad Scotsman got in mind? It turns out that he has got Fallon’s former band back together and she joins them on stage.

Later on, Harrison suggests they go outside for a breather. Fallon tells him that it has been a perfect day and she loved the fact that Jazzer got the band together. Harrison reveals that he has booked a honeymoon (glamping in Cornwall and not at Spiritual Home, he assures her) as he wants to be alone with her. They both profess their love for each other and the week ends with the sound of a passionate kiss.

The fact that the DJ was late was due to the fact that he was a replacement for first choice Freddie Pargetter - it was deemed not a good idea to have Freddie after PCB had arrested him for dealing drugs. Freddie seeks out Johnny - the police have confiscated Freddie’s phone and Elizabeth got him another. He had been messaging Johnny; had he got the messages? Johnny says yes, he got them, but he didn’t reply.

Freddie tells Johnny that he realises that Johnny is angry about what’s happened, but, if Freddie is just given a fine when he appears at the Magistrates’ Court, the boys’ South Africa trip could still be a goer. Johnny is incredulous - it isn’t the trip that’s worrying him. How clueless can Freddie get? Freddie reminds Johnny that he was happy enough to take Ecstasy at the Isle of Wight festival, but Johnny says that was different - buying a few pills for personal use is very different from dealing. Also, Freddie lied to Johnny about Ellis being involved and Johnny was injured when Ellis threw a brick through their window. “Come on mate -” Freddie begins, but Johnny interrupts him with “I’m not your mate - not any more.” Freddie says he had hoped that Johnny would come along to Court on Thursday, but Johnny curtly replies that Freddie is on his own.

Thursday arrives and Elizabeth drives Freddie to Court. Freddie is pleased because he passed two A-levels, with a D and an E. He never expected two passes and is convinced that it is a good omen for the court appearance. He looks for Johnny in vain, but is pleased when Lily turns up. Elizabeth is pleased and relieved, as Lily hasn’t answered her calls and messages. Lily makes it plain that she is not there because she has forgiven her twin, but just because he is her brother and her tone is far from cordial.

Freddie’s prediction of a favourable outcome proved wide of the mark when his case is referred to the Crown Court in September. He is feeling very sorry for himself and bemoans the fact that this means “six more weeks at auntie Shula’s”. “And then very probably a jail sentence” Lily adds. “Don’t say that” an anguished Freddie begs. “Well, that’s what happens when you behave like a prat” says Lily, unsympathetically. Lizzie sends Freddie off to thank Usha for her efforts and he goes, moaning that she could have tried harder. Lizzie talks to Lily, saying that Freddie would never be able to cope with prison and what will he do for the future? Lily points out that he will inherit Lower Loxley and, when Lizzie says that they will have to support him, Lily explodes. “Unbelievable!” she exclaims and starts walking home. Liz says they have got to talk about Freddie’s future. “What about myfuture?” Lily asks. “2 grade ‘A’s and 1 A* in my A-level results - thanks for asking” she says, bitterly, as she continues to walk away from her mother.

Elizabeth has had better weeks - business continues to be hit by the ban on selling alcohol and customers are either cancelling, or demanding compensation. Kenton has an idea - why doesn’t he put his name to the Lower Loxley licence. Could this be the answer to Elizabeth’s prayers? Nope, as the licence is still suspended and now Kenton feels bad, because he gave his sister false hope.

At Brookfield, David has to call in Alistair to treat a cow with a torn udder. Jill makes a point of seeking out Alistair and she gives him a piece of her mind - she has heard about his gambling problem and is angry with him and with herself for blaming Shula for the breakdown of the marriage. But now she realises that it was he who was responsible and she hopes he feels ashamed of himself. Alistair has had enough and says “What I feel or don’t feel is really none of your business any more, Jill.”

But it’s not all bad news for the Vet - he is a bit fed up because he is sharing the box room at Jim’s with his father’s piano and things are cramped, to say the least. Jazzer pays Alistair a visit and says that Jim has told him to apologise to Alistair for leading him back into gambling. Jazzer didn’t realise the severity of Alistair’s addiction and he is genuinely contrite - so much so that, when Alistair gets back from Brookfield, he finds that Jazzer has swapped rooms with him, saying that Alistair’s need for space is greater than his. Alistair is touched and becomes quite tearful - he’s not used to people being kind to him and he invites Jazzer to The Bull later to buy him a pint.

Pip and Toby take Rosie to have her birth registered and Toby is troubled, recalling what his father said about his new granddaughter’s name. Toby raises the point with Pip but she is adamant that Rosie is going to be an Archer, not a Fairbrother. Toby accepts this, saying that that was not what he meant, but Rosie comes from Rose, which is Pip’s middle name and Ruth is Pip’s mother’s name. There is no name from Toby’s side of the family. “What about Grace?” Toby asks, saying that it is a traditional Fairbrother name, going back to the 17^thcentury. Pip says “no way - Gran would have a fit” and fills him in on what Jill thought of Grace, Phil’s first wife and how she (Jill) felt threatened by Grace’s memory even after her death. However, as the couple go into the Registrar’s office, Pip has had a change of heart and tells Toby “OK; Rosie Ruth Grace Archer it is - just don’t tell Gran.” I can’t help feeling that, if Rosie is christened (or otherwise named), unless Alan mumbles, the cat is going to be well and truly out of the bag and Jill will be one very unhappy Great Grandmother indeed.

The Penny Drops For Kate

Ian Pepperell (Roy Tucker)

Jennifer is in a bit of a tizzy - the photographer from the Estate Agent is coming to take pictures of Home Farm farmhouse and she has been frantically dusting and polishing to make the place look its best. She even makes Adam move the tractor out of the way. 

While in the shop, Jennifer is buttonholed by Susan, who says that she ‘happened to overhear’ Pat and Helen talking and saying something about Home Farmhouse being on the market. Susan expects that she has got the wrong end of the stick. On the contrary, says Jennifer, the Agent has taken photographs and they will be posted on the site later today. Furthermore, Susan is welcome to tell whoever she meets that Jennifer and Brian are downsizing and the farmhouse is up for sale. 

Later on, Susan drops some brochures in to Jennifer, giving details of Beechwood, the new development at Bridge Farm. Kate comes across her mother looking at Home Farm pictures on the Estate Agent’s website and she notices the Beechwood brochure. What’s going on? Jennifer shows her the pictures and says that the Beechwood houses have three bedrooms - one master, one for Ruairi and one for Brian’s office. 

Kate is horrified - “Where am I going to sleep?” she asks. Jennifer’s reply is that Kate is a grown woman (only physically, I would submit). “You can’t stay in the nest forever” she tells her daughter, adding that she could always live in a yurt. Kate loses no time in seeking out Roy at home (he has just seen Lexi off on her flight to Bulgaria - more later) and tells him about the sale of the farmhouse and the lack of bedrooms. “I’m going to be homeless” she moans. 

Kate also says that she’s nowhere to go “unless some very kind person comes to my rescue; someone who wouldn’t want to see me homeless.” Roy becomes pensive. “I can’t think of anyone offhand” he eventually tells her, but Kate persists, saying “It would be even better if it was someone I knew.” Roy, you suspect, is enjoying this. “Wasn’t it your idea to sell the house in the first place?” he asks. Kate says that she never believed that they would do it. For his part, Roy cannot believe that it has only just dawned on Kate and he tells her that at least she saved Spiritual Home and this could be just the push she needs to get her own place, as “it can’t be much fun living with parents at your age - this could be the making of you.” He adds that the yurts are relaxing and cosy, but, like Queen Victoria, Kate is not amused and tells Roy that he isn’t funny. I hope that Roy doesn’t weaken, as he’d probably kill Kate after a week or two living in the same house. 

It wasn’t a good week for Roy, as Lexi is suddenly homesick and wants to see her daughters in Bulgaria and she tells Adam that she is talking about staying there till the next school term starts. Not only will this leave Adam another picker short, but the third (and final) pregnancy transfer attempt will have to be put on hold. Ian wonders if Lexi will come back - she hasn’t booked her return ticket date - and he wonders if he and Adam should investigate having a plan ‘B’. Adam thinks Ian should have more faith in Lexi and he is confident that she will return. 

Roy too is worried at the lack of a definite timescale and he and Lexi have an emotional goodbye at the airport, with him telling her that he loves her and, when she returns, he will be there waiting for her. Lexi says that she loves him too, but then she suddenly breaks away and rushes off to her gate. I hope that Adam is right, and that Lexi does return, as both she and Roy deserve a bit of happiness. 

Someone who deserves not so much happiness as a good clout round the ear is Freddie Pargetter, who has spent the weekend being questioned by Detective Constable Zindalis. Elizabeth tells Lily that Usha said that Freddie’s best hope is to tell the whole truth and hope for leniency. Pity Usha didn’t tell Freddie, as he is feeding DCZ a story that has more holes in it than a colander. First of all, Freddie says that the drugs were for his own, personal use. DCZ remarks that there were rather a lot, but where did Freddie get them? It was from a man in the street - or at a club - Freddie replies. Well, which was it? DCZ asks. Freddie decides it was a man in the street and DCZ says can Freddie describe him? Older than Freddie and average looking is the best Freddie can do and DCZ reminds him once again that he is in deep trouble and telling the truth is his best option. 

Freddie does tell the truth, including giving Ecstasy to Noluthando, but only to Elizabeth. Lizzie says he must tell the police, but Freddie is adamant that he cannot - they would send him to prison. A piece of news, Freddie; they might well do that anyway. Elizabeth is loyal to, and protective of, her son and is alarmed when Kate turns up, threatening to report Freddie to the police, as Nollie nearly died. Lizzie begs her not to and points out that Nollie isn’t squeaky clean, as she was selling magic mushrooms round college. Kate doesn’t believe a word of this, but she is persuaded not to grass Freddie up to the police. However, she makes it clear that Freddie is never to contact Noluthando again and the trip to South Africa will not happen. Well, if Freddie is banged up in chokey, he won’t be flying anywhere in any case. Lizzie talks to Lily and she can’t believe that Freddie was dealing under their noses and they didn’t notice. Lily quickly changes the subject. 

Soon, however, Elizabeth’s worries take a turn (or two) for the worse. Firstly, Freddie’s hearing at the Magistrates’ Court is set for Thursday and he is out on bail. However, he cannot return to Lower Loxley, as it is the scene of the (alleged) crime, so Lizzie and Lily try to find a relative willing to put Freddie up. Kenton is a no-no, as Jolene doesn’t think that having a suspected drug dealer in the pub will draw in the crowds - well, not the right sort of crowds, anyway. David says sorry, but not with Pip’s baby (does he think that Freddie will try to eat Rosie?), so it is Shula that draws the short straw. Freddie is not impressed and whines at the choice of his new, temporary home. You could always stay in your cell, Freddie. 

Elizabeth’s second blow falls when she learns that the Local Licensing Authority has been told about Freddie and they are suspending Lower Loxley’s licence to sell alcohol. As Lizzie tells Lily, this is why she (Liz) is clearing wine from the Orangery and, if they cannot get the licence back. It will be a disaster for the business. 

Even more alarming, there is a big wedding coming up at Lower Loxley at the weekend and, if they are told that they will have to supply their own alcohol, they will not be happy revellers. Elizabeth decides to appeal to the LLA, and it goes badly, as the Authority has heard about the Noluthando incident and refused to rescind the suspension. 

We have further proof that Freddie is never going to be a criminal mastermind, when he is talking to Elizabeth and says he wishes he had listened to Lily - he stops talking, but it’s too late, as Lizzie has picked up on the inference. She goes back to Lower Loxley and confronts Lily - Liz cannot believe that Lily never told her she knew about Freddie and that hiding it was almost as bad as what Freddie did. Can’t Lily see that her mother feels let down and betrayed? Lily is unhappy and says she’s off to see Meredith - to see someone who cares about her and who will treat her with respect. Lily storms out. 

Well, that was a good week, with Elizabeth losing her son to the long arm of the Law and her daughter to an imaginary lesbian partner. In fact, we know that Lily consulted her phone before she flounced out and, given that Meredith isn’t a real person, one presumes that she is off to inflict herself on Russ. As Russ hasn’t, as far as we know, told his wife that he is bonking a student at the college and that he is going to forsake his marriage for her, we have to wonder how thrilled he (and his wife) are going to be if Lily turns up on his doorstep, saying that she’s all his and let’s run off together. 

OK, have you got your rubber gloves and Wellingtons on, as we are venturing into the sea of sleaze that is Robin Fairbrother? Robin accuses son Rex of staying in Ambridge because he is “infatuated” with Pip Archer and he should accept that Pip and Toby are an item. Rex protests that they aren‘t even a couple, but we think that slimy Robin has touched a nerve. 

Robin has a hidden agenda - Toby was surprised when he had an afternoon with Rosie and he was joined by David on a walk and David was almost friendly. Robin says that David has developed respect for Toby, after Robin talked with David (personally I reckon David was checking that Toby didn’t leave Rosie in the pub) and that it’s time that Toby repaid that respect. He shows Toby the ‘Fairbrother engagement ring’ that Toby’s grandmother wore (as did his mother) and he should propose to Pip. I’d like to think that, should he do so, she would a) slap him in the face and b) knee him in the goolies. To be fair to Toby, he did point out that he and Pip are a long way away from bring a couple. Just sod off home, Robin. 

We had an example of Robin’s smarminess when Shula was in The Bull to celebrate her (and twin Kenton’s) 60^thbirthday. Robin deserts Rex and moves in on Shula, telling her how attractive she is and he understands what she’s going through, as he had the same with his wife Simone. However, when the final break came, he felt liberated. Shula says that, so far, she just feels lost and Mr Smarm says that, if she feels she needs a guide, he is available, and should they go somewhere else?

Fortunately (for Shula, at least) there is an altercation in the bar, where Jazzer has played Alistair at pool (Alistair refused to play for money) and Jazz invites him to a poker night at Jazzer’s brother’s. Alistair says ‘no’ and Jazzer, who has all the diplomacy of a rampant bull, says why not, as Alistair is on a lucky streak, after his recent win on the horses. Kenton hears this and takes Alistair away, but not before Shula has heard - and not just Shula, as the whole pub has learned of Alistair’s gambling problem. 

Next day, Alistair and Shula have a row and they decide to put their divorce in the hands of their solicitors. They decide too that they cannot go on living as they are and Alistair will move back in with Jim and Jazzer (tough luck, Alistair). However, it’s an ill wind, as they say, and Shula should be mightily relieved that the furore in the pub rescued her from the slimy clutches of Robin Fairbrother.

Smarm Personified

Anthony Head (Robin Fairbrother)

Last week we were introduced to Robin Fairbrother and it didn’t take long to realise that he is smarm on two legs and smoother than a saucer-full of mercury. ‘Oleaginous’ was the first word that sprang to mind and I am sure that Jill would agree, as she never liked him in the past when, as a married man, he dallied with Elizabeth.

Robin got off to a bad start when he arrived late for lunch, driving up in his TVR and sounding his horn, which woke Rosie up. That’s two black marks on Jill’s scorecard and he’s not even in the house yet. She is not impressed when Robin says that he will be staying all week - I think she was hoping that he’d leave after the dessert - and he tells her that he’s looking forward to strolling down memory lane in Ambridge.

Another thing that he hasn’t got going for him is his voice, which is smooth and - no other word for it - smarmy. He makes Leslie Phillips sound like Arthur Mullard (younger readers look it up) and his manner (especially when talking to ladies) is like a parody of John Le Mesurier in Dad’s Army, with charm laid on with a shovel.

Toby suggests that his father should take a look at Rex’s pig operation, but wine dealer Robin would rather get stuck into the champagne that he has brought along to wet the baby’s head. Jill says that a cup of tea would have done as well.

The following day, Robin goes to see Elizabeth, who tells him that she is surprised he came, seeing that they parted after she flung wine in his face. That just shows how spirited She was - and is - Robin answers smoothly and talk turns to Lower Loxley wine, with Robin handing her his card.

Eventually, Robin does spend some time with his sons and is impressed with Scruff gin, especially when Toby says it is on the verge of getting big and he’s going to explore some national outlets. I don’t know how many bottles Toby makes at a session, but I doubt that there’s enough space at Hollowtree to supply Tesco’s.

Rex’s enterprise is dismissed with contempt, and Robin is particularly scathing about the fact that he is, in effect, working for Neil and is not the owner. Rex says that he has made a real connection with the people of Ambridge, but Robin says that, as far as he can see, the only thing that Rex has done right is his relationship with Anisha, who sounds a really go-ahead, capable and go-getting girl. Unfortunately for Rex, Toby inadvertently lets slip that Anisha is history and Robin’s contempt for his eldest son goes up another notch or two.

Toby, meanwhile, is the apple of his father’s eye but there is one thing that Robin is concerned about – Rosie’s name. “Rosie Archer. Sounds like a washerwoman” he tells Toby, adding that it should be ‘Rosie Fairbrother’. Toby explains that he has had a hard enough time getting the Archers to accept him and that he doesn’t want to rock the boat. Jill, he says, may look like a sweet old lady “but I’ve met less scary prop forwards.” “Maybe there’s something I can do about that” Robin muses.

He tries to engage Jill in conversation, but she rebuffs all his attempts. Robin then tries his charm on David, turning up with a very fine bottle of port. While he plies David with drink, Robin keeps stressing Toby’s better qualities, trying to convince David that Toby isn’t that bad a person. A drunken David says he’s going to bed and Robin says he’ll see himself out.

He has just ordered a taxi when Jill comes in after a night out and Robin goes into smoothness overdrive, offering Jill some port and suggesting they have a cozy chat. It’s time for Jill to tell it like it is, and she lets him have it. “Everyone else might be fooled by your charm,” she says, “but you showed me a long time ago exactly what you’re made of.” In full flow now, Jill continues: “For Pip and Rosie’s sake, I have to accept that Toby is part of my life, but I don’t have to take any of your nonsense. I can see it for what it is, and we have plenty of that on the farm already!” Taxi for Mr. Fairbrother!

Before we get on to the other main story of the week, let’s tie up a few loose ends. Lexi is missing her children and wants to go back to Bulgaria until the new school term begins. This would be September and it would mean that Adam will be even more short of pickers. Not only that, but it would mean postponing the third and final pregnancy transfer. Adam is not overjoyed, and neither is Roy, who fears that Lexi might go and never return. Have faith, Roy.

There was a death in Ambridge last week, when Nigel’s old hunter Topper popped his clogs. His passing was painful, and Shula phones Alistair, who was on call, but he didn’t respond. When he does turn up, Shula has a go at him, accusing him of being with Lavinia (he wasn’t). She calls him pathetic and says that he should get his priorities sorted, then she storms out. Alistair rings Maurice, his Gambling Anonymous mentor, and leaves a message, saying: “I really need to talk – I’ve had a relapse. It’s such a mess.”

Freddie Pargetter was upset by Topper’s death and wants him buried at Lower Loxley. Lilian and Elizabeth convince him that cremation would be better and his ashes could be scattered there. Lilian (who else?) suggests that they all go to The Bull and raise a glass in Topper’s memory. Neil and Hannah are there and Lilian gets a round in. Neil, mindful of Susan’s instructions to have a word with Justin about the affordable housing and Emma and Ed, decides to work via Lilian and he brings the subject round to the development. He doesn’t actually mention Emma, but Lilian does, saying that she’s sure Emma ticks all the boxes (local, poor, got a gobby mum). Unfortunately for Neil, Hannah returns just in time to hear this and she tells Lilian that she’ll buy her own drink, thanks very much.

Later, Hannah confronts Neil and accuses him of trying to use his influence to get his daughter a house. She describes it as ‘corruption’ (he’s Chairman of the Parish Council) and threatens an official complaint if she hears any more in the same vein. Neil protests his innocence and that he didn’t mention Emma, but Hannah is having none of it.

A day or so later, Hannah has a go at Emma for getting Neil to do her dirty work and accusing her of getting elected as a Councillor just so she could feather her own nest. Emma is mystified, but Hannah tells her “You’re not a princess and nobody owes you a castle.” “You cow!” Emma retorts, and she realises that Hannah wants one of the houses for herself. That’s none of Emma’s business, Hannah replies and walks off, muttering about ‘dirty dealings behind the scenes.’

Emma decides to have it out with Susan, but she’s wasting her time, as Susan cannot see that they have done anything wrong and this is the way that business is carried out nowadays. Just kill her Emma and then you’re halfway to inheriting Ambridge View.

And so to the big story of the week – the stag night of Harrison Burns on Friday. Early in the week, Chris chats to PCB about his past, as he is short of personal material for his Best Man’s speech. PCB is curiously reluctant to go there and he forbids Chris to ask his brother Marcus for details of his past life. Eventually, PCB explains to Chris that, when at uni, he did a variety of jobs, one of which was as a strippergram, dressed as a policeman. The Agency then decided to form a group of men, miming to Spice Girls’ songs, while dressed as the Spice Girls. PCB was Ginger Spice, complete with union jack T-shirt and sparkly shorts. By this time Chris is rolling around on the floor laughing, but Harrison tells him that he has to keep it to himself and makes him swear not to tell anybody. Chris is upset that such a rich vein of speech material is lost to him, but he – very reluctantly – agrees “to keep it zipped; even if you didn’t.”

On the night, some of the Ambridge lads are a bit wary, as a fair proportion of the revellers are policemen. Their fears are groundless, however, as the boys in blue prove to be real party animals; especially the ringleader, Kelvin. The party moves on to Lower Loxley, which is holding a beer festival, where Kelvin suddenly produces PCB’s Ginger Spice get-up and, before you can say ‘you’re nicked’ PCB is stripped, put into the dress and handcuffed to an iron gate, while the lads return to the drinking. Harrison is convinced that Chris has stitched him up, but Chris denies it.

Inside the house at Lower Loxley, Lily bursts into Freddie’s room and finds him sorting out his stash (or, “my stock” as Freddie calls it). There is an ill-tempered exchange, with Freddie having a few digs at how Lily doesn’t seem to be seeing much of Russ recently. Lily has had enough and leaves, telling her twin that she’s off to the beer festival “and I’ll probably get slaughtered”.

This appeals to Freddie and, when we next hear from him, he is getting stuck into some really strong (7% abv) ale and the speech is definitely slurred. Freddie is trying to persuade Toby to stay on and have some drinks, but Toby says that, not so long ago he could party all night, but since the baby arrived, he is knackered and he wants to go home, even though it’s barely 10pm. Freddie keeps on at him and tells him he’s got something in his bag that can help Toby keep awake. Alarmed, Toby tells him that he doesn’t want anything and for God’s sake keep the bag shut.

Chris, conscious of his Best Man role, feels that Harrison’s humiliation has lasted long enough and begs Kelvin to give him the keys to the handcuffs. He releases PCB, telling him that it wasn’t he who told Kelvin and he doesn’t know how he found out. “He’s got a great future ahead of him in the CID” PCB remarks wryly and tells Chris (who he now believes was innocent of any betrayal) that he needs a drink – fast. 

It is then that PCB notices Freddie and Toby and asks Freddie what has he got in the bag? A drunken Freddie tries to laugh it off and tells PCB it’s just a joke right? But Harrison is deadly serious and, with Kelvin as a witness, he searches the bag, turning up around 30 tablets. “Freddie Pargetter, I’m arresting you for possession of drugs, with intent to supply” PCB tells him. I don’t know if PCB then took Freddie to the Police Station, but if he did, I sincerely hope he changed out of the Ginger Spice dress first.