Whodunnit? Who Cares?

Hedli Niklaus (Kathy Perks)

First of all the good news – Jude has slung his hook, leaving a heartbroken Pip wailing and generally moping about the place. I'm glad he's gone but I hope Pip gets over it soon. For my sake, not hers. David and Ruth were very angry that he'd exited the way he had – would they have preferred it had Pip and Jude gone off together?

And what an opportunity missed by Aunt Elizabeth! When doing her "shoulder to cry on" bit, she was asked by Pip "What would you do in my shoes?" What a chance! "Emigrate", "Follow Jude to America", "Go into a convent right now", "Stand on this chair while I fix this rope" – these are just four answers that would have got Pip out of the way and Elizabeth blew it.

Elizabeth also told Pip of her own skeleton in the closet, when Cameron Fraser went to the loo in a restaurant and never came back. I suppose we should be grateful that it was Elizabeth who was revealing skeletons, rather than Lillian, or else Pip would probably have retired by the time Lillian had finished. Not so much a skeleton in the cupboard, more a fully-fledged necropolis.

What else happened last week? Joe's pathetic attempt to fiddle the stock rotation were nipped in the bud by Susan. If only you'd left the Almond Slices alone Joe, you could still be munching your ill-gotten gains. Personally, I think his actions are totally against the ethos of a community shop and he should be pilloried on the village green as punishment.

Kathy and Kenton seem to be drifting apart, but they are so wet that you couldn't pay me enough to care about it. The story that is really ringing the "you are going to be so bored by this" alarm bells is that of the Murder Mystery as the number one attraction at the fete. I have the horrible feeling that this is the Christmas Panto five months early and we'll have the angst about casting, getting the lines right and all the other things that have you reaching for the wrist-slitter around mid-November.

Of course, the way to make the storyline more acceptable would be to have Lynda's mutilated body discovered on the green and the would-be detectives have to question the 12-deep line of suspects, with the actual murderer winning a pig, or a meal at Grey Gables, or the freedom of Ambridge. Sadly, this is unlikely to happen and, ladies and gentlemen, I am deeply afraid that all we have to look forward to is a fete worse than death.