Freddie’s Fungi Forage

Toby Laurence (Freddie Pargetter)

Last week we had Freddie and Noluthando sharing a spliff in the woods, with her moaning (surely not?) that the weed is better in South Africa and that the rain keeps extinguishing the joint. What hard lives these teenagers have! Never mind, Freddie has the answer - the woods are full of mushrooms and some of them must be of the magic variety, surely? The pair try a few and they are indeed getting high, until Noluthando is feeling sick.

I don’t want to be critical, but how far would you trust Freddie’s judgement when it comes to picking a fungus that is both hallucinogenic and edible? Me neither. I’m surprised he didn’t say something like “this red one with white spots looks cool - I wonder what it tastes like?” Let’s be frank here; going fungi foraging with Freddie is probably the worst idea that anyone has had at Lower Loxley since Nigel agreed to help David get the ‘Happy New Year’ banner off the roof.

I have done a bit of research here and here are three types that he can find in the UK; Amanita virosa, Amanita phalloides and Galerina marginata. I cannot attest to whether or not they are tasty, but their more common names of Destroying Angel, Death Cap and Funeral Bell are evidence of their potency. Freddie and Noluthando squirrel away their stash of fungi to dry in Lower Loxley’s attic. We can expect a few stoned rats to make an appearance soon, I reckon. Freddie keeps telling Noluthando that “the first rule of breaking the rules is ‘don’t get caught’ “ Ha! This is Ambridge, where naughty people usually get what they deserve, so we wait to see what happens to our mushroom-munching duo.

A naughty person who hasn’t yet got what he deserves is Matt Crawford who, if he upsets many more people, will have to change his name to Rob Titchener. On Sunday, Lilian tells Adam that Matt asked her to run away with him and she considered it briefly, as she loves both Justin and Matt. Adam cannot believe it and tells her to stay away from Matt. “Get him out of your head and don’t let him pollute your relationship with Justin” Adam tells his aunt. “I need to keep away from him.” Lilian agrees.

This she does by taking to her bed, pleading sickness and refusing to go out. Adam goes to see her at the Dower House and urges her to stand up to Matt - what she feels for him is not love; he’s messed with her head because he’s jealous of Justin. “Live your life and leave Matt Crawford to me” Adam says, ominously. If Lilian is determined to avoid Matt, why not take off to a hotel, or go and live with James and Leonie for a few days, leaving her phone behind?

There may well be a queue forming to sort Matt out, as Shula has been thinking about the troubles that have beset the Stables recently and wondering if she detects Matt’s fine Italian hand behind it all - the depth of knowledge of events seems too detailed to be laid at the door of the sacked stable girl Roberta. Shula shares her suspicions with Kenton - she has just seen Matt with Latif at Grey Gables and Matt made a point of waving to Shula, in triumph, she believes. Kenton isn’t convinced that Matt would do such a thing and, besides, he’s leaving at the end of the week, isn’t he? Shula says that Matt probably “couldn’t resist one last thrust of the dagger”. Kenton gives her a double brandy on the house and asks whether she will share her suspicions with Alistair. “He doesn’t need to know,” Shula tells her twin, adding: “if it is all down to Matt, I’ll handle him myself.” Take a number and stand in line, Shula.

Kenton’s naivety is touching when it comes to Matt’s behaviour. Has he forgotten that Matt ran out on Lilian, emptying her and AmSide’s bank accounts in the process? Shula will have to take her turn, as Adam confronts Matt in a car park and tells him to leave Lilian alone, as she is marrying Justin. Matt sneers that, if Lilian loves Justin, why has she been meeting him (Matt) for days out? He then gets more personal and insulting, talking about Adam and Ian’s plans to have a baby, calling it “unnatural.” He keeps goading Adam, who finally loses it and hits him. Wrong move Adam! A gloating Matt says that no-one will let Adam have a child after he has hit a man in a car park. “All it takes is one phone call” crows Matt.

Well, Adam, that could have gone better, couldn’t it? Adam returns home and tells Ian how Matt provoked him, but stops short of the fisticuffs incident. Ian says that Lilian’s life is nothing to do with them and, if she wants a knight in shining armour, she’s always got Justin. However, Ian is proud of the fact that Adam stopped short of violence, saying that he remembers how satisfying it was when he hit Rob. “If you’d have socked him, that would mean an assault charge and an end to anything to do with Carina”, Carina being the likely surrogate mother they have been talking with. Adam is now in thrall to Matt - will Matt put the squeeze on Adam and keep him on tenterhooks? What do you reckon? Kenton might think Matt isn’t an all-round bad guy, but I would suggest that he is in a minority of one. With Adam out of the way, it seems that handling Matt is all down to Shula, so how will she get on? The answer, as we will see, is ‘not very well, actually’ and it all begins on Thursday, when she comes across Matt, who has ostensibly run out of petrol and asks her if she can give him a lift to Brookfield, where David will have petrol.

Here’s Shula’s chance to handcuff Matt to the rear bumper and drag him across a few rough and stony fields, or alternatively to douse him in petrol (well he does want some) and offering him a cigar, but instead she gives him a lift, albeit with bad grace, and the atmosphere is very frosty, with Shula telling him that he doesn’t need to talk. Matt refers to the fact that Anisha “keeps popping off to Glasgow” and the temperature drops a few degrees when Shula says that Anisha’s mother has just died. When they get to Brookfield, Shula cannot wait to dump Matt on David and she goes into the kitchen to seethe.

Matt tells Shula that he might see her before he goes and “I might surprise you.” “Please don’t” is her curt reply, but an unfazed Matt says “You never know, it might be something good.” We don’t have long to wait before we find out what Matt is up to, as Shula takes a call - someone has donated a fantastic prize for the Hunt Ball raffle - a Rhine cruise for two. Shula goes after Matt and says that the Hunt cannot accept such a prize. “I can’t accept it” she tells him. Matt asks why and Shula pours out her suspicions that it is Matt who is trashing the name and reputation of the Stables and Alistair’s business. Incidentally, there is some good news on this front, as the Vet college did not uphold the complaint about the dead horse.

Matt describes her as having a vivid imagination and says that the cruise isn’t from him, but from his employer, Hugo Melling. Shula asks Matt to thank Hugo, upon which he asks where is his ticket to the Ball? Hugo can’t make it, so it is incumbent upon Matt to present the star prize on the night. Shula is taken aback but says that she’ll see what she can do. Matt thanks her, adding: “From what I’ve heard, it should be one hell of a night.” You have to - if not admire, then at least acknowledge - the manipulation shown by Matt. Rob Titchener would be proud. Things get worse on Friday, when Shula, who is having trouble finding somewhere to put Matt (“There’s no-one I hate enough to put next to him“), gets a text message - now Matt wants a ticket for a ‘plus one’ for the Ball. “He’s poisonous; toxic and the sooner the village is rid of him, the better.”

In order to escape Matt, Lilian goes shopping with Jennifer for dresses. Jen is trying on shoes and Lilian is in the changing room with her dress when Matt turns up. Lilian is staggered - how did he get in and what does he want? Matt replies that he told the attendant that his wife was inside, choosing clothes for their second honeymoon and he hands her an air ticket, saying he’ll wait for her to turn up. “Be there or be Mrs Elliott” he tells her before he leaves. Jennifer returns and a despondent Lilian says she wants to go home.

By the way, for those of you who are stressing, Alistair confesses to Shula that he did not have time to buy a new dinner jacket but he has done the next best thing and hired one. Shula doesn’t actually explode, but it is a close-run thing. Her temper is not improved when Alistair tries the DJ on, remarking that it’s a bit tight. He bends to move something and the jacket splits up the back. The couple dissolve into hysterical laughter, but the smiles are wiped from their faces when Matt’s text about his plus one comes through.

Let’s leave Matt and his machinations and talk about the forthcoming election for the Parish Council. It’s fair to say that election fever has not actually gripped Ambridge, but Lynda accosts everyone who comes into the shop, asking who they are going to vote for? Practically nobody has made up their mind and Lynda canvasses on behalf of her husband. Jim Lloyd turns up at the shop and Lynda turns on him, saying that, as Parish Clerk, he should be neutral. Jim protests that, if he has been making positive comments in favour of Emma, he is only repeating what villagers have been telling him. Lynda accuses him of being, if not pro-Emma, than at least anti-Snell. “I’ll be watching you on election day” she warns Jim.

Let’s have some good news for a change. Kathy is off sick (no, that’s not the good news) and so Roy has been co-opted on to the panel interviewing applicants for the interim (three months) job of front of house manager at Grey Gables. Roy is slightly stunned when one of the applicants turns out to be Lexi - he didn’t even know that she had applied. Lexi acquits herself with credit, answering all Roy and Ian’s questions. I believe there was someone else on the panel, but whoever they were, they didn’t have much to say for themselves.

Speaking to Roy afterwards, Lexi explains that she didn’t tell Roy as she didn’t want an unfair advantage. A delighted Roy tells her that the panel has decided that she can have the job if she wants it and they are both overjoyed. I’m glad that things seem to be going well for Roy on the romantic front - all we want now is for Lexi’s three-month contract to be made permanent.

Repeat After Me, Tony: “I’ve Got A Mind Of My Own”

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

Tony is surprised when Justin asks him to be the witness at his and Lilian’s wedding. He stammers, prevaricates and asks for time to think it over. The same day, Tony takes Peggy shopping and she remarks that he’s very quiet. Tony tells her about Justin and she replies that it was very sweet of him, although Tony wonders whether or not Lilian put him up to it. Peggy says he’s not that sort of man – he has a mind of his own. “You did say ‘yes’?” she asks her son, sharply and, when Tony admits that he wanted to think about it, she is slightly dismayed.

Tony tries to justify himself, saying “we’re different kinds of people – we don’t see the world the same way” but Peggy cuts him short, saying that it’s his sister’s wedding and his job is to make her as happy as he can. She adds: “no more of this nonsense – you must go straight to Justin and tell him you’ll be delighted.” Later on Tony seeks Justin out in The Bull, where he is dining with Lilian. Is Tony about to make a stand and demonstrate that he too has a mind of his own? Will he rebel? Will he fishcakes – he tells Justin and Lilian that he would love to be a witness. As for making his sister happy, it is evident from her bemused comments that this is the first she has heard of the whole thing. Meanwhile, Tony takes his leave, presumably to ask Pat whether or not he’s hungry and if she thinks it’s time that he ate something.

Lilian is feeling a tad guilty, as, when she met Adam on Sunday, he asked her whether or not she had enjoyed the meal that Justin lovingly prepared for her last Thursday? Again, this is something that she didn’t know about (she was having dinner with Matt) and she hastily tells Adam that, yes, it was a wonderful surprise. Back at the Dower House, Lilian is all over Justin, saying that, had she known, she would have made an excuse to Marcia (with whom she had told Justin she was dining) and come home. Justin dismisses it as water under the bridge, but Lilian still feels bad.

There is a difference of opinion brewing at Home Farm, where Brian and Jennifer lay down the law to Kate about Noluthando’s education – if she is going to stay in the UK until Christmas, then she has to be in full-time education. Kate says that Nolly has come over to spend time with her – Kate, love, people wouldn’t cross the room to spend time with you – and she won’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to. Noluthando overhears some of this conversation and immediately says that she’s not going to college, before flouncing off to Lower Loxley to bend Freddie’s ear about how unfair it all is. Yes, Noluthando, it is unfair but, as the saying goes, that’s life, so get used to it.

Having said that, life’s not too shabby for Freddie, with a stately pile to roll around in. He tells Noluthando that nothing happens in Ambridge, whereas college life – or at least the social aspect of it – is ‘awesome’. “Much more fun than hanging round a yurt with your mum” he tells her. This obviously strikes home and, when Noluthando goes back to Home Farm, she says, OK; she’ll go to college, under protest, but she doesn’t want to and, by the way, she’ll need some new outfits.

A new outfit is also the topic of conversation at the Stables, viz: Alistair’s new dinner jacket, which he still hasn’t ordered or been measured for and the Hunt Ball is coming ever closer. Anisha is away in Glasgow, where her mother is recovering from a heart attack and Alistair has a few things on his mind, such as the complaint about the practice when a horse died on the operating table and a tide of rumours sweeping the equine establishment. Latif drops in unexpectedly and mentions the rumours in passing. Alistair assures him that they are false rumours and that the complaint won’t be upheld and he seems reassured by Latif’s somewhat lukewarm acceptance.

Shula still bangs on about the DJ and is horrified when Alistair tells her that the Hunt Ball clashes with Graham’s (covering for Anisha) sister’s 60^th birthday and Graham has a long-standing invitation to a celebration. Manically, Shula tells Alistair to tell Graham to cancel it – like Cinderella, Alistair will go to the Ball and there’s no way he can be on call that night. And has he done anything about that DJ yet? Now, I appreciate that, among the horsey fraternity, a Hunt Ball is an important event, but so too is a close relative’s 60^th birthday, and that only happens once in a lifetime, whereas a Hunt Ball happens every year, so I personally think that Shula is being a mite unfair on Graham.

But never mind; Graham returns early from visiting Latif and Alistair informs Shula that Graham has agreed to forgo the party. Oh, by the way, there’s bad news too – Latif, who is the jewel in the Stables’ list of clients, has decided to go back to his previous vet because of Anisha’s continuing absence, which is why Graham is back early. It never rains but it pours; Justin told Shula about a message board where someone is trashing the Stables’ reputation and rubbishing the vet practice. It turns out that the author is a stable girl that Shula had to sack last week and Roberta, for that is her name, is vindictively getting her own back. It’s all very well for Alistair to tell his wife to stop looking at the messages, turn the other cheek and get on with doing her job, but I think it’s fair to say that the Stables has had better weeks.

And now the ‘I bloody told you this would happen’ moment. I speak about the relationship between Pip and Toby. Hardly had we downed our Scruff’s and tonic in celebration of the pair splitting up, when Pip was all over Toby like a cheap suit, much to his discomfort and her embarrassment, leaving a strained atmosphere whenever they ran into each other. After a stilted conversation at Hollowtree, Pip seeks him out and says “I can’t do this any longer” and confesses that she still has feelings for him. She becomes flustered and confused and Toby kisses her to see if that can help settle her mind. It obviously did, as we then have a few seconds of what sounds like two sink plungers mating.

Rooooth has to take some of the blame, as she interrogated her daughter about her future plans – does she intend to stay at Brookfield or look for a job elsewhere? At the moment, dairy prices are high and Rooooth says that they are considering expanding the herd. However, she and David aren’t getting any younger and Josh and Ben aren’t interested in the farm, so any expansion will depend on whether Pip is still at Brookfield. A neat example of moral blackmail, if ever I’ve seen one. And it worked, as Pip tells Rooooth that she will stay at Brookfield and bring on the extra cows. However, there is one caveat – Pip insists that her mum and dad have a proper holiday, away somewhere, and Pip will pay for the tickets.

To balance the bad news, the writers occasionally throw in the odd morsel to make us happy and last week’s was the announcement by Lynda that she will not be directing this year’s Christmas Show. ‘Oh yes, we’ve heard that before’ I mused, but it seems that Lynda wants to take charge of Robert’s campaign to stand for the Parish Council, against Emma. Robert isn’t really cut out for a life in politics – he doorstepped Sabrina Thwaite and was bemused when she quoted Aristotle at him, talking about moral values. Robert also solicited Brian’s vote but Brian asked him awkward questions and told him “to get some fire in his belly”.

Later, Brian said that his vote is going to Emma; largely because of some very positive things that Jim Lloyd said about her. Robert is incensed by this – as Parish Clerk, Jim is supposed to be neutral and Robert suspects that he wants Emma on the PC as his own puppet. Robert had been thinking of pulling out of the contest, but this casts a different light on the whole thing. “I’m not going to let him win,” Robert tells Lynda angrily, adding: “this means war!”

For her part, Emma wrestles with the problem – should she accept the help proffered by Jim – it seems a little underhand. Peggy says that, if Jim wants to jeopardise his position as Clerk, then that’s up to him. Furthermore, Peggy admires Emma’s moral principles and she can count on her vote. Emma decides that moral principles aren’t going to help her win and she decides to take advantage of Jim’s offer, thereby ruling herself out as the only honest politician on the planet. Just a suggestion – is the number of Parish Councillors set in stone and, if not, why can’t Robert and Emma both join the PC?

There is little doubt about the main story last week and that was the eternal triangle-ish relationship developing between Justin, Lilian and Matt. Lilian and Matt keep meeting up and, while nothing serious has happened, she is racked with guilt and fear that Justin will find out, although, as Matt points out, there’s nothing for him to find out about.

Lilian learns of the near-altercation between the two men when Ruby ran away and was found by Matt. Philip the plumber told her that he had to step in to prevent them coming to blows. Over one of their many lunches or dinners (Lilian must have put on a couple of stone, I reckon) Matt asks her if she will help him buy a horse from her friend Philomena. All he wants Lilian to do is to schmooze Philomena, as he is in a hurry and will be returning to Costa Rica next week. “Can’t you do this one little favour for me?” He asks, adding: “You owe me that much, don’t you?” The nerve of the man! Lil, you owe him nothing, unless you are going halves on the meals, of course. Matt says that he’ll never ask her to do anything ever again and, besides, he’ll soon be out of her life forever. She agrees.

Lilian duly talks Philomena round and admits afterwards at lunch (where else?) that she quite enjoyed the intrigue. There is a (for her) heart-stopping moment when Roy Tucker walks into the gastropub, but he leaves without seeing them. And now Matt makes his move – he says that he never stopped loving Lilian and he knows that she still has feelings for him. “I can’t go away and let you marry Justin Elliott” he says “If you do, you’ll never be truly happy.” Does she want to be like Jennifer, wasting her days away? He can offer her spark, passion, excitement – oh yes, he’s wealthy to boot. Lilian says that she is going to marry Justin; the man (slight pause) that I love.” Matt appeals to her: “Lilian, don’t throw yourself away. Grab this last chance while you’ve got it. Come away with me and we can spend the rest of our lives together.” The week ends with Lilian saying “You’re mad – of course I can’t – I’m not going anywhere with you!” We don’t know if she left, or stayed to finish the Chablis

Oh dear, will she or won’t she? Imagine the repercussions if she goes. Apart from the terrible upheaval among the Archer clan, there are other consequences, not least of which will be the collapse of Toby’s gin business, unless he can open up an overseas branch in Costa Rica pretty damn quickly…

The Third and Final Winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ Competition

The final winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition is Jessica Twentyman, who asks:

“Hello, Timothy. I'm interested to know how you think David has managed to reconcile his role in Nigel's death with his conscience. I'm thinking particularly of David's line on that night, ‘Come on, Nigel. Are you a man or a mouse?’”

Ouch. Straight to the point there Jessica. Let’s see what Tim has to say about that:

“David misses Nigel, and I miss Graham. In both fiction and reality we had a lot of great times. I don't think David feels guilty, it was Nigel's roof after all. Still, David's not a good bet to be around if there's danger, or badgers, around.”

Congratulations Jessica. Contact me at neilturnbull@me.com and let me know where to send your prize!

And thanks to everyone who entered. For those missing out on a signed copy of Tim’s book, there’ll be news later in the week on how you can still get a copy!

The Second Winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ Competition

The second of three winners of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition is Quentin, who asks:

“Do you think that there would be a market for a 'Calendar Boys' calendar? I hear Jazza is keen.”

I think Jazza’s sporran would come in very useful here, but let’s see what Tim thinks:

“Possibly, but you can be quite sure that neither I nor David

would be on it!”

Are you sure you don’t want to reconsider? Not appearing on the calendar would increase the chances of Bert Fry or Joe Grundy getting back to nature with only prize-winning onions and courgettes to save us.

Congratulations Quentin. Contact me at neilturnbull@me.com and let me know where to send your prize!

The First Winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ Competition

The first winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition is Neale Monks, who asks:

“Timothy, if you could give voice to any one of the myriad 'silent characters' that infest the Abridge undergrowth, who would it be and why?”

Tim surprised me by picking someone close to home who isn’t normally considered to be a silent character:

“Well at the moment, Ben. I'm getting very worried about his refusal to speak!”

Congratulations Neale. Contact me at neilturnbull@me.com and let me know where to send your prize!

I’ll be revealing our second winner tomorrow!

The Winners Have Been Chosen

I can announce that we have chosen the winners of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition to win one of three SIGNED copies of Timothy Bentinck’s new book ‘Being David Archer: And Other Unusual Ways of Earning a Living’.

The winners’ questions have been sent to Tim and we have his answers! But we’re not going to reveal all straight away. We’re going to keep the excitement going as we reveal the winners over the next few days.

To start things off though, we asked Tim a question of our own:

“Being based in East Anglia we can’t get Shires. If you were to come to our local, would you choose Greene King IPA, Adnams Southwold or Woodforde’s Wherry?”

We were delighted that Tim’s answer displayed an impressive knowledge of our favourite ales:

“As a part time East Anglian from childhood, the answer is that it depends what you're doing the next day. GK is 5%, Southwold is 4.1% and Wherry 3.8%. Ergo Friday and Saturday night IPA, Wednesday lunchtime the Wherry. All other evenings, Southwold!”

When you’re back in the kingdom of the Angles Tim – the beers will be on us!

Nice Dinner with Matt Lilian, But What’s for Afters?

Sunny Ormonde (Lilian Bellamy)

We have speculated a lot recently about Justin and Lilian’s relationship, and things are obviously getting desperate as we kick off the week with Justin triumphantly announcing that he’s made Lilian a sandwich! But Lilian’s not hungry. Not hungry, not interested in discussing colour schemes, not interested in going for a walk and certainly not interested in wedding plans. The truth about Justin’s Scotland trip has hit her hard and she takes herself off to another room to be left alone with her thoughts. Justin interrupts her to get his cardigan, and the atmosphere is icy as she tells him she’s off to visit a friend’s stables, and he’s not invited.

When she gets to the stables, guess whom she sees? Yes, that’s right – Matt Crawford. He’s there to look at a couple of horses with a view to shipping them to Costa Rica. Afterwards they go for tea and cake, which gives Matt the chance to probe Lilian about Justin. He knows that something’s up, and he persuades her to spill the beans about the Edinburgh trip. To be fair, he’s a good listener and tries to get her to see Justin’s point of view, saying that if it was him he would have told her ‘where to get off’ if questioned.

Later she accepts a last-minute invitation from Matt to the Cheltenham Literature Festival, and then immediately lies to Justin about who she’ll be going with. She says she’ll be back for supper, so Justin plans to surprise her with a meal on her return, and goes to see Ian for tips. The problem is that Lilian and Matt have such a great time that they decide to stay in Cheltenham for dinner. Lilian phones Justin to say she’ll be having a bite to eat with ‘Marcia’ and he hides his disappointment very well, even though he was blitzing the herbs for a salsa verde at the time. When she eventually returns home Justin’s still up, but she heads straight off to bed.

Things are looking bleak, and on Friday 13^th look bleaker still. The window-cleaner left the back gate open and Ruby’s gone missing. Lilian fears that she’s been dog-knapped, and her and Justin start ringing round and organising search parties. Guess who finds her, yes that’s right, Matt. Or rather she finds him. Matt pops in to the Bull to borrow some string to use as a lead, but who should be in there but Justin, who immediately accuses him of abducting her. Justin phones Lilian to tell her that he’s found her, but omits to mention Matt. Matt offers Justin advice on dog-handling, which could be easily construed as advice on keeping hold of Lilian. This is all too much for Justin and is about to punch Matt’s lights out when Harrison appears and breaks them up. Justin shouts “I’ve had enough!” and storms off.

On returning Ruby to Lilian’s grateful embrace, Justin tries to clear the air by apologising about his Edinburgh trip, but is defiantly unapologetic for trying to protect her from his business and divorce arrangements. He also professes his fidelity and says he has never had the need or desire to stray from her, and if she doesn’t trust him then that’s her problem. Oh, and tonight he will be sleeping in the master bedroom. And they say romance is dead!

Joe and Eddie are busy making cider out of their precious find of Tumble Tussocks, scratting (pulping) the apples and squeezing out the juice. They’re making great claims for the cider that will be produced, with Joe claiming it will be Premier Cru. Nic’s there taking this all in and asks about the turkey business (they’ve been gobbling away in the backround). Joe thinks its days are numbered, but Nic has a brainwave – label the cider as a local limited edition Christmas Cider and give away a bottle with each turkey. Joe initially bemoans the fact that there’ll be less for him to drink, but comes round to the idea when Eddie mentions they’ll be able to afford whisky at Christmas from the profits.

It looks like the appointment to the position on the Parish Council vacated by Oliver is going to be between Emma Grundy and Robert Snell. Jim, who is Parish Clerk, drops in on Emma because he’s concerned that Robert will get the position by default and doesn’t want a ‘stitch-up’. He lets Emma know that if more than 10 villagers call for an election, one has to be called, which would result in a fairer process. He also happens, by sheer coincidence, to have the relevant paperwork on him. We later hear that Emma easily got the required number of signatures and an election has been duly called.

Bad news for Alistair; a complaint has been made about him to the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons after Titan died under anaesthetic. He now has to write a response to explain how the horse died during a routine castration, and to make matters worse rumours seem to be circulating amongst the clientele.

Shula, meanwhile, is having work done on her manège (it’s ok I looked it up for you – it’s what horses run around on in the stables). Phillip, who’s doing the work, notices that Alistair looks troubled and invites him to the pub for lunch while he’s waiting for the concrete to set (he must have used quick-drying). They talk about difficult customers in their respective professions and it turns into a badly needed therapy session for Alistair.

Things are fractious between Kate and Noluthando, and Kate thinks some time with her cousins, Lily and Freddie, will do her good. When they meet, Freddie calls her Nolly and Lily points out that they’re actually only second cousins, and once removed at that. But they seem to get on well and start talking about the Hunt Ball that Shula’s organising. Lily thinks Noluthando looks a bit ‘urban’ and offers to take her shopping, but Noluthando quickly slaps her down by saying “if that means ending up looking like you Lily then thanks, but no thanks”! Freddie’s impressed, and they start talking about Kwaito music and who Noluthando would recommend. I don’t know what she said, but I’d be very disappointed if she didn’t recommend Kyle Naidoo and Arthur Mafokate as good starting points.

Over in the dairy Susan and Clarrie are talking about the amount of work they’re doing, what with making ice-cream, yogurt, Kefir, and helping out in the poly tunnels and seem to be fermenting a plan to get a pay rise. When Helen comes in she’s shocked to see how behind they are with packing the yogurt and she takes Tom to task that Susan and Clarrie are too busy making his Kefir and letting everything else fall behind. Tom offers to increase their hourly rate, which does the trick, but this all seems too simple to me. If I were Tom I’d play them at their own game and make it conditional on achieving aggressive production targets.

Finally, Pip calls in on Toby as he’s bottling gin. She’s brought him lunch and is being really nice to him – which is disturbing. Toby reassures her about the bruising on her face, and Pip says it reminds her of when they were together (spending time with each other, not the bruising). She suddenly makes a move on him and Toby’s not happy, telling her not to mess around with him like that, and to go on Tinder if she’s feeling horny. Well done Tobes!