They Call Him Harry…

Michael Shelford (Harry)

Am I the only one to be struck by the similarities between the Jazzer/Harry storyline and the Benny Hill song "Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west"?

In the original, the romantic triangle was between Ernie, the widow Sue from 22 Liddley Lane and Two-Ton Ted, the baker. The Ambridge players are Jazzer, Fallon and Harry. It doesn't do to push the analogy too far – Fallon isn't a widow and she lives in a pub and both Jazzer and Harry are milkmen – but Harry is getting his cocoa (or, rather, his mineral water and Diet Coke) at Fallon's regularly. At least until the single wicket competition, that is – it will be interesting to see if she turfs him out afterwards and, if she doesn't, will Jazzer turn teetotal?

The burning question, of course, is which one of the lads is Ernie and which is Ted? Whichever claims to be the good guy (Ernie) should be careful – if you remember the song, Ernie was felled by a rock cake underneath the heart and a stale pork pie in the eye and it was Ted who ended up married to Sue. Personally, I can't imagine Jazzer as a good guy, but I will be listening carefully when Harry speaks to try to glean details of his background – wouldn't it be spooky if he originally came from Teddington, or named his milk float Trigger?

And now we return to a subject first aired a few weeks ago; that of the density of Jennifer Aldridge. When it comes to other peoples' relationships, the woman is as thick as a yard of lard and has the sensitivity of a cast-iron condom. Every time Lillian meets up with Paul (and we are talking pretty often here), who turns up, mouthing such tactless remarks such as "Paul – I never expected to see you here", leaving the unspoken question "are you bonking my sister?" hanging awkwardly in the air.

Even Paul has noticed, saying to Lillian "is your sister checking up on me?" Too right, she is. Being a gooseberry isn't enough for Jennifer, as she asks Lillian if she knows what she's doing and warns her of the possible consequences. In a rare flash of insight, Jennifer said "Of course, it's none of my business…" Hold that thought and give that woman a coconut! Spot on Jennifer, now butt out!

Let's be honest, Jennifer isn't that good at spotting relationships, is she? After all, when hubby Brian was bonking Siobhan, Jennifer suspected nothing and only found out about it when Brian returned home after a "business trip", complete with love-child.

Lillian and Paul are not her only concern, though, as she wailed to Lillian "The relationship between Mum and Ted has moved to a new level!" What's happened? A dirty weekend in Felpersham? Have they been spotted doing some al fresco bonking on Lakey Hill? Is the Summerhouse being used for immoral purposes? Er, not quite, as a breathless and distraught Jennifer told Lillian that "Mum and Ted went out for lunch and Mum insisted on paying her share!"

My God! Such depravity! Whatever next? Before you know it, they'll be sharing the same seat on the bus or Peggy will be inviting Ted in for tea in broad daylight. There's obviously life in the old dogs yet…

Girl Power

Sunny Ormonde (Lilian Bellamy)

It's been a good week for the fairer sex in Ambridge, with many of the girls celebrating one thing or another.

First of all we have Brenda and her new job in PR. Well done Bren, but some people (Tom and Pat, for example) are having reservations. After all, it is in Leicester and this is causing consternation, logistics-wise. A train journey would involve two changes; staying up there during the week would be more than Brenda can afford and driving would take – wait for it – two hours! From the comments flying about, I assumed that going to Leicester would involve crossing at least two time zones, but it's a good job that Bren is living with a farmer – he can get her up early.

Then there's Helen, over the moon that she has got an early sperm donor appointment. "Just think," she told her family, "I could be pregnant in a month or two!" This went down like a lead balloon with Dad Tony, not to mention the majority of listeners, I would imagine, as we thought we had at least six months' stay of execution. I fear it's going to be a long, boring Summer.

The Community shop looks like it's a goer, largely thanks to Pat's efforts, as Brian patronisingly reminded her. And talking of goers (oh, these seamless links) we had Lillian and Paul getting their act together after dancing the night away and then making the beast with two backs. I fear it will end in tears, although the storyline has been nominated as the one least likely to knock you down with a feather.

Kirsty has been offered a job by Kenton and, instead of running a mile, seems to have accepted. This is the Kenton who, going by past experience, couldn't reliably run a bath, let alone a business and whose idea of man-management is to let the plebs do all the work. And the other owner is Jim, who if he had his way would only admit Latin-speaking customers with degrees. The words "recipe" and "disaster" spring to mind.

Someone with not much to celebrate is Peggy, who was mortified to see Jack holding hands with Violet and ignoring her (Peggy). Still, she was being comforted by Ted, so it could be an ill wind, and this could be the start of something big.

And now we have to talk about a disturbing trend, in which the writers have been lulling us into a false sense of security, then suddenly pulling the rug from under our feet and mugging us. I have already referred to Helen's AI date being moved forward, but for sheer, unadulterated sadism and cruelty, we have the storyline about Kate. In a previous blog, I had expressed the fear that she might not return to South Africa, but, sure enough, she got on the plane and I and many others breathed a sigh of relief and cracked open the bubbly.

But we celebrated too soon, as she rang Jennifer to tell her that she was coming back home to study. Apparently Felpersham college is the only place in the world where she can study gannet-strangling, or whatever her subject is. And what about her two children in South Africa? Hubby's family can look after them, replied Kate, thus demonstrating once again why she has never won 'mother of the year'. "It will give me the chance to bond with Phoebe" she also said, glossing over the fact that she has seen her eldest daughter about three times in the past decade. I look forward to hearing Hayley's reaction.

In the meantime, let's all pray for a very large and long-lasting cloud of volcanic ash…

Beyond Belief

Kim Durham (Matt Crawford)

I don't want to criticise (but I'm going to), but don't you think we have had some pretty unbelievable and uninspiring story lines lately? On the unbelievable front, we have Tony's pathetic performance as a would-be matchmaker for daughter Helen when inviting Patrick round.

I know Tony is as subtle as a brick through a window, but his performance was totally over the top - nobody could be as thick and as obvious as that. Why doesn't he hang a sign round Helen's neck saying "Man – any man – Wanted"?

Equally unbelievable was Matt's vision of the future, in which Lillian starred only as a business partner. OK, so Matt is not the most considerate of men and not one to proclaim his love from the rooftops, but surely even he must have been aware of the increasingly-frosty tone adopted by Lillian as he droned on? Come on Archers writers, give us some credit – there's no need to be quite so unsubtle.

This brings us on to recent, underwhelming story lines. I have avoided writing about 'Ambridge has got talent', because it patently hasn't (although Jazzer was OK). The best thing about this story is that it didn't go on as long as the perennial "Oh God, it's the Christmas show again and how will we encourage people to become involved?" Why bother? Let's face it, Linda bullies so many people into taking part that there can't really be enough left over to make up an audience. But we get ahead of ourselves and the Christmas show is (sadly) a probable horror to come later in the year.

Another storyline that made you want to bang your head against something hard was Jim's Roman-themed house warming party. Who cares? And is it even the remotest bit likely that anyone – even someone as boring and self-centred as Jim – would think that a recitation of Cicero is just the thing to get a party started? Again, credibility is stretched way beyond breaking point.

There seems to be a horrible inevitability in the Lillian/Paul storyline, as it moves, supertanker like, to either a probable consummation or heartbreak. Lillian is going to spend the night at a work's do at an hotel. Separate rooms, of course. Yeah right – what's the betting that the reservation has been mixed up and there's only one room? It would be ironic if Matt gets out with his tag and then is swiftly returned to chokey because he practised some GBH on Paul.

Then there's the Pip/Jude quad bike accident saga. I had hoped that after Pip's trip to casualty the consultant would say "She's OK Mr. Archer, but I'm afraid the trauma suffered means she will never speak again". Sadly it didn't happen. Meanwhile, Jude is even more persona non grata at Brookfield.

Now here's a storyline that I'd like to see; Pip and Jude and Alice and Christopher decide to demonstrate their love for each other by holding a double wedding. Can you imagine the delight of David and Brian while walking their daughters down the aisle? It would be a test of acting ability too – father-of-the-bride speeches made entirely through gritted teeth…

Business Studies

Amy Shindler (Brenda Tucker)

Judging from last week's episodes, it seems that Ambridge has been gripped by a bout of Marketing fever – they're all at it.

I blame Brenda and her job application, which went on a bit. I mean, it only took Tolkein 12 years to write The Lord of the Rings. "I'm desperate to find a job where I can use my qualifications" she explained to Tom. I'd suggest she gets used to asking "do you want fries with that?" If Macdonalds won't have her, she can always put in more time on Tom's burger van.

Our next marketeer is Harry, who has great plans for the milk round – a blog, Facebook page, Twitter and a database of customers. "What you're talking about is marketing – that's Mike's department" said Jazzer. That explains it – the marketing gene obviously runs in the Tucker family and Brenda is a chip off the old block.

Speaking of Harry, it's not often that I agree with Jazzer (mostly because I can't understand him) but when he says that nobody should be as cheerful as Harry at 4 am, I think he has a point.

Moving on, it seems that the Tucker marketing gene can be transferred by marriage, as we witness the attempts by Vicky to flog her veal. I can see Mike taking carcasses on the milk round at this rate. Personally I reckon Vicky's most successful marketing strategy would be to say "and if you agree to take my veal, I promise I'll never come and talk to you again." I hope the story ends soon, as frankly it's nothing more than a load of bullocks.

A rather tenuous marketing link now, with the story of Eddie leaving the gate open at the market so that the cows escaped. For someone who is supposed to be such a natural stockman, I submit that not closing a gate is something of a fundamental cock-up. Tony was supportive: "They can't give you the sack for one bit of carelessness" he said. Oh yeah? Ask the guy in charge of safety at Chernobyl.

A story that has nothing to do with marketing is that of Pip and Jude. Poor Pip was distraught, saying to Izzy: "I rang him last night and there were people there. There were girls there!" Having spent her last penny to get down to Newquay, Jude's reaction to seeing her was a tad lukewarm. However, the old romantic did pay for her lunch, generously telling her that she could pay him back next week sometime. I fear the Pip/Jude loveboat is steering dangerously near to the rocks. And a good thing too.

Finally, we move into the realm of the surreal and discover how dangerous it can be to take a phrase out of context. Take the following exchange:

Nic:                  Is everything OK, Brian?

Brian:         Everything's fine, thanks – you just get on with pulling David's

Whatever would Ruth say?

Love Is In The Air…

Angela Piper (Jennifer Aldridge)

Have you noticed how the titles of these pieces have suddenly become the titles of songs? Anyway, ain't love grand? And it appears to be busting out all over Ambridge.

Jennifer appears to be involved in a lot of it – not personally, you understand, but by getting in people's way, asking stupid questions and not picking up on hints. Take for instance the situation between Lillian and Paul. When Lillian waxed lyrical about spending the day in London, Jennifer immediately said that they could both go next time. "Oh what fun!" she squealed. Meanwhile Lillian, who had obviously been planning a bit of quality time alone with Paul showed all the enthusiasm of a Rabbi given pork chop. Next time there's a fancy dress ball, Jennifer could go as a green, hairy fruit.

Jennifer featured too in the story about Chris and Alice, who hadn't seen each other for ages and who were spending their own quality time in Alice's bedroom, popping down for the odd bit of sustenance – presumably raw meat in Chris's case. I suppose we should be thankful that Jennifer never said something like "what can they be doing up there all this time?" but she did suggest that they went and collected the angling fees from the lake. Let's think – to go and collect money from sad anglers, or stay in bed for an all-day nookie-fest? Tough choice.

Anyway, Alice and Chris have now moved into her cottage for a week. "I don't know what your father will say!" wailed Jennifer. Knowing Brian, he'll probably say "Damn good job; I was beginning to wonder whether the ceiling would last out."

Finally on the subject of Jennifer's density, we have the possibility that Matt might be allowed home with an electronic tag. Jen bewailed the fact that he would not be allowed out between 7pm and 7am, saying that it was Summer coming up. Honestly woman, if he was banged up in prison, he wouldn't be allowed out at all, plus, what part of the word "punishment" do you not understand?

Speaking of Matt, if he is released, will that wee on the bonfire that is the developing closeness between Lillian and Paul, or will Lillian have time to cuckold Matt before he gets out? Do we care? Paul says things like "there's so much I don't know about you Lillian". She smokes like a factory chimney, takes on board industrial quantities of gin and has a past more chequered than the design department of a chess-board factory – what else does he need to know?

Finally on the love front, Pip (or Fizz, if you prefer) learned a valuable lesson about men. When it turned out she'd be unable to go with Jude and his mates on a surfing holiday, she pictured the two of them holding hands and being lovey-dovey in Ambridge as Jude gave up the holiday to be with her. No way Pedro! Jude expressed his disappointment, then rapidly moved in the same sentence to "of course, it won't be the same without you…" Pip was stricken, but you got the impression that Jude didn't realise – he was too busy waxing down his surfboard.

The Kids Aren't All Right

George Bingham (Josh Archer)

What is happening in Ambridge among the younger generation? I know that I advised Pip to get out more and have something approaching what normal people regard as a life, but the girl has gone mad. Not only is there the Jude situation, but Pip flies off the handle at the slightest provocation, stays out late and has been caught with a bottle of vodka in her bag.

Did you notice that David immediately assumed that Jude had bought the voddie? Innocent until proved guilty? I don't think so. And why pour it down the sink? Has he any idea of the cost of a bottle of spirits? If I were David, I would have kept it to drink when waiting for Pip to come back from her latest party/nightclub/Bulgarian film with Chinese subtitles. Then again, he could have given it to Lillian as a packed lunch. Failing that, he could clout Pip round the head with it when she next smart mouths him. Honestly, if I had talked to my Dad like that…

As if Pip's behaviour wasn't bad enough, we had Jamie and Josh behaving badly, being caught red-handed spraying graffiti around the village. Yet more backchat to Ed, who apprehended them. What is it with these kids? I expect Josh and Jamie to turn into the Borsetshire equivalent of the Kray twins – don't you think that "Josh and Jamie" has a sort of "Ronnie and Reggie" ring to it? Whatever next? It wouldn't surprise me if Ben was caught dealing drugs – he has just had his eighth birthday, after all. Keep a close eye on the younger generation, is my advice. I blame the parents.

While not strictly anything to do with kids, I have a horrible feeling that Kate is going to hang around and not go back to South Africa. She hasn't spoken to Lucas since she turned up in Ambridge and I fear the worst. "But she's left Nolly back in Jo'burg and she wouldn't desert her daughter" I hear you wail, to which I will just say the word "Phoebe". 'Nuff said, I believe.

Continuing on worrying story lines, where is this relationship between Paul and Lillian going? I know Lillian is lonely, but could she be unfaithful to her Tiger?

Finally on the subject of storylines, was I the only one who screamed "No! No!" when Jolene suggested Wayne as the third judge for Ambridge Has Got Talent? Dear God, will we never be rid of the man?

Hey Jude, (don't) Be Afraid

Tim Bentick (David Archer)

So at last it has happened – David and Ruth have met the elusive Jude; not only met, but taken tea and biscuits with him. Poor Jude's ears must have been aflame when he and Pip didn't turn up for tea on the arranged day – and Ruth had spent over £6 on cakes and biscuits at the shop to boot.

Cue rant from David about irresponsibility and leading his little girl astray. Except that it wasn't Jude's fault, as it turned out that young Pip hadn't actually told him that he had been invited. "We'll just have to be more clever" said Ruth. On the subject of Ruth, can't we please have a storyline where she goes to elocution classes and then we wouldn't have to listen to that irritating faux Geordie accent?

But back to Jude. The cunning plan was – wait for it – not to go to work on the farm, but to hang around when Jude delivered Pip back from college, then leap out and surprise him and drag him indoors for tea and inquisition. Fair play to Jude – he was delighted to be asked in. Not so Pip, who kept whining "You can't stay Jude; you've got to get back and do - you know - that thing." Talk about spur of the moment improvisation!

David, meanwhile, was being icily formal and speaking through gritted teeth. The atmosphere dropped to sub-zero when Jude referred to Pip as "Fizz" and became positively glacial when he called David "Dave". Why so? Kenton calls him Dave all the time without getting verbally smacked in the teeth, but then Kenton hasn't got designs on Pip.

Jude must have a hide like a rhinoceros, or the sensitivity of a cast-iron sheath, as he happily prattled away, amid the sounds of cascading icicles and grinding glaciers that were David's comments. This insensitivity rose to a breathtaking climax when he said that he looked forward to coming round for tea etc much more often. I swear you could hear David gnashing his teeth.

Poor Jude – David has really got it in for him. One minute he's too old, the next he's immature. Later David goes spare when he calculates that Jude has been lying about his age. Jude was born on the day that John Lennon was shot, which was in 1980. Brainbox David does the arithmetic, forgetting that said shooting was in December, so Jude has yet to have his 2010 birthday. I really hope that David doesn't do the farm's accounts...