The Kids Aren't All Right

George Bingham (Josh Archer)

What is happening in Ambridge among the younger generation? I know that I advised Pip to get out more and have something approaching what normal people regard as a life, but the girl has gone mad. Not only is there the Jude situation, but Pip flies off the handle at the slightest provocation, stays out late and has been caught with a bottle of vodka in her bag.

Did you notice that David immediately assumed that Jude had bought the voddie? Innocent until proved guilty? I don't think so. And why pour it down the sink? Has he any idea of the cost of a bottle of spirits? If I were David, I would have kept it to drink when waiting for Pip to come back from her latest party/nightclub/Bulgarian film with Chinese subtitles. Then again, he could have given it to Lillian as a packed lunch. Failing that, he could clout Pip round the head with it when she next smart mouths him. Honestly, if I had talked to my Dad like that…

As if Pip's behaviour wasn't bad enough, we had Jamie and Josh behaving badly, being caught red-handed spraying graffiti around the village. Yet more backchat to Ed, who apprehended them. What is it with these kids? I expect Josh and Jamie to turn into the Borsetshire equivalent of the Kray twins – don't you think that "Josh and Jamie" has a sort of "Ronnie and Reggie" ring to it? Whatever next? It wouldn't surprise me if Ben was caught dealing drugs – he has just had his eighth birthday, after all. Keep a close eye on the younger generation, is my advice. I blame the parents.

While not strictly anything to do with kids, I have a horrible feeling that Kate is going to hang around and not go back to South Africa. She hasn't spoken to Lucas since she turned up in Ambridge and I fear the worst. "But she's left Nolly back in Jo'burg and she wouldn't desert her daughter" I hear you wail, to which I will just say the word "Phoebe". 'Nuff said, I believe.

Continuing on worrying story lines, where is this relationship between Paul and Lillian going? I know Lillian is lonely, but could she be unfaithful to her Tiger?

Finally on the subject of storylines, was I the only one who screamed "No! No!" when Jolene suggested Wayne as the third judge for Ambridge Has Got Talent? Dear God, will we never be rid of the man?

Hey Jude, (don't) Be Afraid

Tim Bentick (David Archer)

So at last it has happened – David and Ruth have met the elusive Jude; not only met, but taken tea and biscuits with him. Poor Jude's ears must have been aflame when he and Pip didn't turn up for tea on the arranged day – and Ruth had spent over £6 on cakes and biscuits at the shop to boot.

Cue rant from David about irresponsibility and leading his little girl astray. Except that it wasn't Jude's fault, as it turned out that young Pip hadn't actually told him that he had been invited. "We'll just have to be more clever" said Ruth. On the subject of Ruth, can't we please have a storyline where she goes to elocution classes and then we wouldn't have to listen to that irritating faux Geordie accent?

But back to Jude. The cunning plan was – wait for it – not to go to work on the farm, but to hang around when Jude delivered Pip back from college, then leap out and surprise him and drag him indoors for tea and inquisition. Fair play to Jude – he was delighted to be asked in. Not so Pip, who kept whining "You can't stay Jude; you've got to get back and do - you know - that thing." Talk about spur of the moment improvisation!

David, meanwhile, was being icily formal and speaking through gritted teeth. The atmosphere dropped to sub-zero when Jude referred to Pip as "Fizz" and became positively glacial when he called David "Dave". Why so? Kenton calls him Dave all the time without getting verbally smacked in the teeth, but then Kenton hasn't got designs on Pip.

Jude must have a hide like a rhinoceros, or the sensitivity of a cast-iron sheath, as he happily prattled away, amid the sounds of cascading icicles and grinding glaciers that were David's comments. This insensitivity rose to a breathtaking climax when he said that he looked forward to coming round for tea etc much more often. I swear you could hear David gnashing his teeth.

Poor Jude – David has really got it in for him. One minute he's too old, the next he's immature. Later David goes spare when he calculates that Jude has been lying about his age. Jude was born on the day that John Lennon was shot, which was in 1980. Brainbox David does the arithmetic, forgetting that said shooting was in December, so Jude has yet to have his 2010 birthday. I really hope that David doesn't do the farm's accounts...

Just When You Thought It Was All Over…

Colin Skipp (Tony Archer)

I have to admit that I never saw the storyline about Helen wanting to be a single mother coming – when Annette walked out, I thought that was the end (please God). Tragically, my hopes were cruelly dashed when Helen made her announcement at Tony's party.

However, my reaction was as nothing compared to that of Dad Tony; no-one could accuse Tony of epitomising the New Man and he reacted true to type, saying things like "a child needs a father" and how much hard work it will be. Helen countered by saying that she has gone into the subject thoroughly. I bet she has – it wouldn't be a surprise if she had already chosen the child's names and put its name down for public school.

Pat of course is delighted at the prospect of Grannydom and told Tony in no uncertain terms that the family will support Helen. Why all this concern for Helen? It's the baby I feel sorry for – you just know that it will have bibs with different days of the week written on them and its Thomas the Tank Engine books will be kept in pristine condition and filed in alphabetical order. The mobile over the cot will probably be a model of the solar system and, when the time comes to be weaned, the food will undoubtedly be relentlessly organic. "I have so much love to give" wailed Helen. Get a dog, woman, get a dog.

Another thing that seems to be exercising Tony is that no-one will know who the father is, but there is a solution to this. To be fair, the chances of it happening are slim to zero, but if you recall, Ian went through a period where he was going to father Mag's child, so why not enlist his aid and make him the father? How would Tony react to that? Not too well, I suspect.

There is another, more practical, reason for selecting Ian – the man works as a chef, so when the time comes, he could supply the turkey baster.

A Lucky Escape?

Piers Wehner (Jude)

So, Annette has finally come to her senses and legged it for Sheffield. The only question is "is that far enough?" Given Helen's limpet-like tendency to cling on to her, I reckon Annette will be lucky if Helen doesn't visit her every weekend.

In what must surely be the most stupid question of the week, Helen asked Brenda "Do you think I'm crowding her?" As this was shortly after Helen had suggested that Annette eat something (giving her the choice of about 14 things) or go for a walk, or go and listen to an acoustic music set, finally deciding that what they both need is a break, somewhere sunny and isn't Spain nice? the honest answer would probably involve bears and woods.

However, Annette probably doesn't realise that she has had a narrow and very lucky escape, as Helen also told Brenda: "…she's turning in on herself, that's why I'm worried – that's exactly how Greg started to behave." I put it to you, m'lud that now we know the real reason why Greg topped himself – he probably couldn't cope any longer with a constant stream of suggestions about what to do that afternoon and queries about how he likes his eggs boiled. Had he turned the gun on Helen instead of himself, I doubt there's a jury in the land that would have found him guilty.

So, farewell Annette, but as one tart disappears, it seems that another, fledgling tartlet has appeared on the scene. Of course, I am referring to the uber-annoying Pip, who was seen by David and Ruth kissing her new beau Jude. When David found out that Jude was 28, he reacted in his usual, considered, calm fashion; almost threatening to rip Jude's arms off and beat him to death with the soggy ends.

"You're only 16!" he yelled at Pip. "I'm nearly 17!" she shouted back. Oh well, that makes all the difference. Ironic, isn't it, that it was David and Ruth who were so keen to convince Pip to hang on in there and give college life another try? As they watch their daughter leap into Jude's convertible BMW, dressed in little more than a belt and a couple of handkerchiefs, they must be reflecting on the truth of the old adage: "be careful what you wish for…"  

The Things They Say…

The Cast

Here's a good game; listen to The Archers and pick out the odd phrase that you feel may have significance in the future, or a phrase which perfectly sums up a person's character. For instance, take these from last week….

The most in-character phrase:

"Oh Annette, do you think that's sensible?" (Helen to Annette)

One of these words is a lie:

"I'm quietly confident" (Lynda Snell)

As if you have that much choice...:

"Do I wanna be a cashier in a Bingo place?" (Susan Carter)

Delusions of adequacy award:

"They're all gonna need proper management" (Susan Carter)

The most truthful, but tactless, comment:

Susan (speaking of working in a call centre): "You have to be so bossy"

Neil (obviously without thinking): "You'd be good at that"

And the classic exchange between Annette and Helen, with Annette telling the truth and Helen inviting the 'want to bet?' response from the audience:

Annette: "Helen – don't be nice to me – you should hate me for what I've done."

Helen: "There's nothing you could do to make me hate you…"

Honesty award:

"I've made such a mess of everything" (Annette)

We hope you're right, but we have a sneaking suspicion not:

"It's over now" (Helen)

Not thinking down to the appropriate level:

Jim (talking to Eddie about Jim's plans for his bookcases):

"I'd like my collection displayed in some style…neo-classical…with cornices…"

Best indication that a new character will probably turn out to be a mass murderer/paedophile/arsonist or whatever:

Lillian (talking to Jenny about Paul; Matt's newly-discovered half brother):

"He seemed a really nice guy. Poor chap – he certainly wasn't after money. Paul's not a con man – he couldn't con you if he tried."

Don't Listen Annette!

Louiza Patikas (Helen Archer)

We stand on the brink of a crisis – will Helen manage to talk Annette out of going through with an abortion? Whatever your moral views on the subject, for the sake of our mental wellbeing, pray that she doesn't succeed.

Consider the options; Annette is 19, likes a good time (as amply demonstrated by the pregnancy), has no meaningful job, is living in a foreign country and sharing a tiny flat with possibly the world's most boring woman. What does she need to make her life complete? A baby, of course! Or so Helen thinks.

As Helen told Brenda (in strictest confidence, of course, so it's probably only a matter of time till she tells Tom, who'll let it slip to Jazzer, who'll tell Fallon in a drunken moment, who'll… but you catch my drift) "pregnancy could be just what she needs – a positive thing". Yeah, right, I'm surprised she didn't rush out and get pregnant on her 16th birthday.

Should Annette be having any doubts, there was another pronouncement from Helen to Brenda which chilled the soul – "she wouldn't be on her own – she'd still have me." Had Annette heard that, she would probably have rushed straight out and pitched a tent outside the clinic.

The truth is that it is Helen who wants this baby. Can you imagine the three of them living together in a flat roughly the size of a shoebox? Helen already moans about Annette's lack of tidiness – what chance would a baby stand? The poor little sod would probably have to be able to feed and dress itself by its first birthday.

There's no doubt that Helen is putting heavy pressure on Annette, but phrases like "I'll be there to support you" should ring warning bells on the scale of Big Ben. Helen also said "stop me if I'm mothering you…" Stop! Unbelievably, Helen is only 29, going on 60, and seems to have skipped mothering and gone straight to grandmothering. Stand her next to Peggy Woolley and you'd be hard pushed to tell the difference.

So don't do it Annette! Or rather, do do it. Apart from the fact that the child would carry Leon's genes, the prospect of Helen and child featuring in storylines for the next few decades fills one with despair.

Of course, there is another solution which would be ideal – Annette decides to keep the baby but goes back to France, taking Helen with her - Ambridge Organics' loss would be our gain.

Saint Ian

Stephen Kennedy (Ian Craig)

It occurs to me that this blog is in danger of becoming a list of whinges and I'd hate to give the impression that Ambridge is populated exclusively by annoying people who you would dearly love to slap. Yes it has more than its fair share of such people and they are more fun to write about, but there are also, kind, warm-hearted and generous souls in the village.

So let's pay tribute to Ian Craig, star chef at Grey Gables and an all-round nice guy. Not only does he hold down a stressful job with long hours, but in the recent past he found time to visit Jack and Peggy, taking them food and clearing up the latest mess made by Jack.

He was also the only person in Ambridge who didn't think that Leon was God's gift and saw him for what he was – a two- (or more likely, four- or five-) timing love-rat. Being a good friend, he told Helen of his suspicions and was rewarded with abuse and the cold shoulder.

True to form, Ian did not complain and, when it all went pear-shaped, who was there to take Helen out and cheer her up? You guessed it. This was done without even a hint of schadenfreude or a trace of "I told you so". I bet Ian even paid for the lunch.

Even when assaulted at work by a homophobic footballer, Ian didn't want a fuss made. Adam was all for getting the police in, but you could almost see Ian turning the other, metaphorical, cheek. Talking of Adam, he is almost permanently ensconced in the lambing shed nowadays and so Ian sees little of him. Nevertheless, Ian makes him soups and casseroles to keep him going. I'm surprised he hasn't opened a soup kitchen for waifs, strays and down-and-outs (and yes, Wayne, I do mean you) but it's probably only a matter of time.

Kind, loyal, a good friend – Ian has it all. And he can cook too. The man's a saint – and surely it cannot just be coincidence that the word "saint" is an anagram of "St. Ian"?.