Forgot About The Family, Did We David?

Tim Bentinck (David Archer)

OK, David and Rooooth have been going through a hard time, what with the potential Route B, falling milk prices and the Heather situation, but you’d think he might have thought that it would have been politic to let his siblings know that they were considering possibly selling up and therefore getting Brookfield Farm valued - especially as said siblings have a financial interest in the farm.

In the end it was Jill who suggested a family conference (one which she elected to be absent from) and their reaction varied from surprise (Liz and Shula) to the mercenary (“When would I see my share?” - Kenton). David and Rooooth go ahead and get Rodways to value the farm and Graham Ryder turns up. Jill cannot bear to be there and she has arranged to take Carol Tregorran to see Peggy.

Graham walks the farm with David and Rooth and he suggests that, in case Route B is adopted, they split the land into two - one parcel either side of the proposed road and sell the farmhouse as a separate lot, along with a few acres. There is much maudlin talk from Dave about how Phil bought these acres from Meadow Farm (later we find out it cost him £1,750 per acre). When pressed, Graham reckons the package could be worth £4.5 million, which depresses Dave, who was hoping for nearer £5 mill. Later on, David depresses Rooooth when she finds him investigating the cost of moving the dairy herd up north. He tells her that it might not be worthwhile staying in dairy and this goes down like a lead balloon with Rooooth, who, as we have explored before in this blog, seems to value her cows above her children (none of who, incidentally seem to have been told about the possible move north). We also have the reaction of Jill, whose reaction to the move varies from ‘yes, I’ll go’ to ‘no, I couldn’t leave Ambridge’ to ‘Shula and Liz have both said I can live with them’ to ‘But what would David say if I didn’t go?’ to ‘If Brookfield were to be sold I don’t know if I could stay.’ That’s that cleared up then.

Let’s move on to the Roy/Hayley/Elizabeth situation. As predicted last week, Phoebe is not best chuffed when she returns home to find that Hayley has left, taking Abbie with her. Calling her father Roy “A lying, cheating, pathetic loser” (come on Phoebe, Don’t mince your words!) she goes off to stay with Grandma Jennifer, who, on being told the whole story, says that she can stay as long as she likes. The following day, Jen and Brian talk about Phoebe’s situation and Jen says that she has experience of just such a betrayal - Brian makes a timely exit.

After the family conference, Elizabeth confides in Shula about her and Roy. Shula is sympathetic and remembers that, when she walked into the shop that morning, Susan was talking to a customer and clammed up when Shula walked in. “If Susan knows, it will be all round the village” Liz says. Liz, love, if Susan knows, it will be on News at 10 before you can blink.

Moving on to the end of the week, Roy turns up at Home Farm to see his daughter and Phoebe says “If Dad wants to talk, it’s fine by me.” A touching reconciliation scene? Not quite as, when Roy turns up and says that he’s done a terrible thing and let everybody down, Phoebe says “Why are you here?” Roy asks her to come home and she replies “You should have thought of that before you started screwing around with your boss - that middle-aged tart.” She also tells him (three times) that she hates him and that she’s not coming home, not now, not ever. Remove the ‘Welcome Home’ sign Roy.

Now we have to explain why Phoebe deserves to be torn apart by wild horses. Last week we had the ecstasy of there being no Christmas extravaganza in Ambridge this year, while this week we had Jennifer and Phoebe in the shop, with Lynda rather unsubtly quizzing Phoebe about why she wasn’t at college. Jen quickly changed the subject - she had noticed that Lynda had put her name down for auditions for the FLOS Ayckbourn production and how had she got on? A disgusted Lynda said that they had offered her the job of prompter and she has decided to direct and star in her own production for Ambridge’s Christmas show.

Phoebe thought this was a great idea, mentioning (among others) Woody Allen as examples. If this goes ahead, I warned the writers last week that my revenge would be terrible - I may have to beat them to death with Phoebe’s corpse. Of course, if this is to be a one-woman show, then presumably Robert Snell would be the only person in the audience. It could also persuade Jill that perhaps she could leave Ambridge after all.

Going back to the David/Rooooth moving north saga, I had a response from a reader who suggested that the Prudhoe Tourist Board might have paid good money for this story line and could this be another Duchy Originals scandal? He, or she goes on: “Incidentally, are Archers allowed to live in a place that can actually be found on any atlas? Ambridge is well known to exist in a parallel universe (where they alone get torrential rain in the driest-ever September, for instance). In fact - can you even get to Northumberland from AmbridgeSpace?” An interesting point - should Mike and Vicky move to Birmingham, will we never hear from them again? And perhaps they could take Will, Fred, Wayne, James, Leonie, Lynda - add your own non-favourites - with them.

I Thought I Must Be Dreaming…

Patricia Greene (Jill Archer)

Surely my ears deceived me - had I really heard what I thought? If so, here was proof that prayers can be answered. What caused this mood of elation? It was the conversation between Jill and Lynda, where Lynda bemoaned the fact that only two people (Derek Fletcher and Molly Button) had turned up for her auditions for Rumpelstiltskin.

Jill was elevated to the level of ‘my favourite Archers character’ when she said “Would it be such a terrible thing to have a year off?” and made comparison with leaving a field fallow for a year to rejuvenate it. Lynda seems to be convinced, saying: “That’s it - no Christmas show in Ambridge this year - perhaps never again.” My euphoria soared even higher at these words and I warn the writers now that, should they get some deluded villager to talk Lynda out of her decision and resurrect the Christmas extravaganza, then my revenge will be both swift and terrible.

It was a week of potentially momentous decisions, with David accepting that moving north might be the solution to the problem of what to do with Heather and he and Rooooth look at a couple of farms; one of which was extremely attractive. David told Jill what they were doing and she tentatively agreed that she might have to move with them. However, on Friday at the Harvest Supper, she told Carol that being with friends and family made her realise that she was too old to start again.

It would be unthinkable to have the Archers without David (Rooooth can go, as far as I’m concerned) so what answer will the writers come up with? My money’s on the Paul (Lilian’s erstwhile lover)/Ivy Horrobin solution, whereby potential problems were solved by killing off the character in question, so might Heather be living on borrowed time?

Momentous happenings too in the Hayley/Roy/Elizabeth saga. The week began badly for Roy when he showed a bit too much interest in what Liz was doing in the preparations for the Hunt Ball at Lower Loxley and he wondered why Hayley got a bit arsey when he said things like “I told Elizabeth she’d have to etc, etc…” On Tuesday, Hayley took the momentous - and probably unwise - step of confiding details of Roy’s affair to Vicky. Of all the people in Ambridge, only Susan would be a worse choice of confidante and it can only be a matter of time before the whole affair is public knowledge.

Mind you, the chances are that Vicky won’t get the chance to tell anyone, as Hayley went to see Lizzie (at Vicky’s suggestion) to find out exactly how long the affair had been going on. Roy had told her that he and Liz had only done the dastardly deed at the weekend away at the music festival, but Liz told Hayley that it also happened once at Lower Loxley. Hayley is hurt that Roy had lied to her and he returns home from Grey Gables on Friday to find her packing. Roy asks ‘why?’ (go on Roy, hazard a guess) and she says that it is because he didn’t tell her everything. People will start putting two and two together if Hayley suddenly leaves Ambridge.

Roy begs her not to go and says that he loves her and the children, to which she replies that she needs time to think “now that our marriage is over.” “We can’t be over, we can’t” Roy wails, to which Hayley says “You lost me when you fell in love with Elizabeth.” However, she demonstrates a fine sense of fairness by saying that she’s taking Abbie, but leaving Phoebe with Roy. Phoebe’s going to love that!

Another big decision is made when Helen tells Rob and the family that she’s going to give up work in order to spend quality time with Henry and pay more attention to Rob. Pat is not impressed and reverts to her default mode of blaming it all on Rob. Tony protests that Rob kept asking Helen if she was making the right decision, but Pat says that just shows how cunning and devious he is and “She genuinely thinks that this is her own idea.” The possibility that it actually might be is not entertained for a second and Rob is getting the blame for everything. Ebola spreading in Liberia? Rob’s fault. A rogue asteroid about to strike the Earth? It’s down to that Titchener fellow again.

Moving on to less Earth-shattering events, how can I get Bert to come and do my garden? Only a few days after Carol Tregorran asking him to do stuff in her garden, he’s dug in about three tons of well-rotted manure (having fetched it from the Stables) and created a load of raised beds that, judging from Carol’s reaction, rival the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Bert was born in 1936 so how come he’s working at the speed of a motorised excavator? He says he’s pleased to have a project to keep him busy - come and do my garden Bert; you’ll be bloody ecstatic. He also told Carol that he wrote poetry, but fortunately Jill managed to drag her away before we could be subjected to it.

Fallon goes for a drink with Alice and PC Burns is there with Justine, who Fallon says is the girl who dumped him on Valentine’s Day. Fallon grumbles about PCB being there, but methinks the lady doth protest too much and I still have hopes for the two of them getting together - I just wish they‘d get on with it.

And finally, what has happened to Darrell? Since he got his refurbished van-cum-bijou residence, he seems to have completely vanished from the face of the Earth.

All About Timing

Felix Scott (Charlie Thomas)

Charlie Thomas is becoming ever more enigmatic - he turns up to learn from Adam that they are a man down because Jeff can’t make it and there’s no one to do the hauling. “What’s your solution?” demands Charlie and we thought ‘here we go again, getting on Adam’s case’. But no, as Charlie suggests that Ed can continue cleaning mud off the roads and he (Charlie) will do the hauling.

It all goes well; so well in fact that Charlie invites Adam to have a beer, a stock of which he happens to have in the cab. Soon the two are laughing and Charlie is regaling Adam with anecdotes and another beer is opened. Talk turns to the Hunt Ball and Adam asks Charlie if he’s going. Charlie says he probably will and Adam asks if he’s taking anyone. “You mean do I have a ‘Plus One’?” Charlie asks and the two begin some verbal fencing, with Adam saying “The other day you said the best things are worth waiting for - what did you mean?” Charlie replies that “You already know the answer to that Adam” and “It’s all about timing with me.” Play your cards right and you could ensure that you get the Estate contract renewal next year, Adam, although I don’t know what Ian would think.

Perhaps Charlie could give Rooooth some lessons in timing - she drove up to Prudhoe to see her mother Heather, who is recovering from a fall. A few days later, Rooooth returns, full of despondency and sighing so much that I thought she had morphed into the Jamie of a couple of years ago. The reason for the gloom is that Rooooth thinks that Heather will never be her old self and, when it was suggested that Heather move down to Borsetshire, she rejected the idea out of hand, telling her daughter that it would be like pulling herself up by the roots. Rooooth says she is too tired to think about it and David says she needs a good night’s sleep.

It obviously worked, as the following day she tells David that she’s had an idea and, although she says that she knows that this might not be the right time, she goes ahead and tells him anyway. Why is it not the right time? Because the family has gathered at Brookfield to celebrate Jill’s 84th birthday and they are seconds away from the cake cutting ceremony. And what is Rooooth’s plan? Well, she says that they could be fighting a losing battle over Route B and BL’s plans to cover Borsetshire with solar panels, so why not sell Brookfield (for which they’d get a good price, bearing in mind the interest in the proposed new road) and move a bit further north - somewhere near Prudhoe, say - so Rooooth could be nearer Heather (of whose age I am unaware).

David is aghast: “Leave Brookfield? Leave Ambridge?” in the same tone that one might say ‘Murder and eat my children?’ And what about the children? Stuff them, they’ll adapt. Rooooth is more concerned that the dairy herd could be moved north. I kept imagining ‘Rawhide’ (showing my age again) with Clint Eastwood playing Rowdy Yates with a Geordie accent.

David also says “What about Mum? It would break her heart.” This last comment is interesting, as Jill told Rooooth that she quite understands Heather’s reluctance to leave Prudhoe. Presumably Jill wouldn’t be included - and wouldn’t want to be - in any move north. Before Kenton comes out to drag them in for the blowing out of the candles. David says to his wife “Do you still want to do this to her?” Rooooth answers “I can’t think of another way, David.”

Now, I can help you here Rooooth; the obvious solution is for her to move north (Tromso or Vladivostok would be good) and leave the rest of the family in Borsetshire. If necessary, the cows could keep in touch via Skype. Alternatively, all the landline and mobile numbers at Brookfield could be changed and we need never hear from Rooooth again. In my dreams.

Elizabeth goes to see Carol Tregorran to welcome her to Glebe Cottage and breaks down in tears. Carol asks if she wants to talk about it and suggests that she knows it’s something to do with Roy - she had her suspicions at her husband John’s funeral when she saw them together, Carol says that she has had lots of experience at recognising the signs as John was something of a philanderer. Liz begs her not to tell anyone and Carol says “Your secret is safe with me.” A word of advice, Lizzie - never break down in front of Susan or Vicky and beg for their silence, or you’ll have to quit Borsetshire.

Finally, we have an unexpected consequence of the unseasonably warm weather - one forgets how close it is to Christmas, which means Lynda Snell’s annual torture - sorry, I meant ‘festive production’. This year, the Felpersham Light Operatic Society has raised the bar by scheduling Alan Ayckbourn’s ‘Seasons Greetings’. How can Lynda top this? Husband Robert says “It’s not a competition”, making me think that he doesn’t really know his wife very well. He suggests ’Sinbad’ but she pours scorn on this, before later coming up with her ‘inspired’ idea - Rumpelstiltskin. Be still, my beating heart and give me two tickets for the Ayckbourn.

The next day, posters appear round the village, ordering people to turn up for auditions and, as Roy begins his minimum wage job at Grey Gables, Lynda says that, as he and Hayley have left Lower Loxley, they will have time to participate in her extravaganza.  Little does Lynda, or Roy, know that Phoebe has told Hayley that she knows that Roy has been having an affair with Elizabeth, so when he gets home he might have more on his mind than treading the boards.

The Genie Is Almost Out Of The Bottle

Lorraine Coady (Hayley Tucker)

Roy, Hayley and Lizzie’s attempts to keep a lid on the reasons that Roy (and now Hayley) are no longer working at Lower Loxley seem doomed to failure. Mike and Vicky cannot understand why they have given up their jobs and Mike is a real pain on Friday, saying at least three times that Roy shouldn’t have left when he did. Hayley seems to have turned from wronged wife to avenging angel as she says: “Elizabeth is going to pay for this - one way or the other.”

 

Roy and Hayley go to see Usha for some legal advice and they realise that she will have to be told the whole, sordid story. Usha makes it plain that she cannot act for them but does say that Elizabeth should have followed the correct procedure for getting rid of somebody and it’s up to her to make Roy an offer or he could take her to an employment tribunal. Usha also suggests that Roy gets independent legal advice but he says “No - I’ll go and see her; I want to do this face to face.” One might say that doing it face to face was what caused all this trouble in the first place.

 

Meanwhile, Caroline and Oliver (who I thought had emigrated as we haven’t heard from them for ages) discuss the fact that Roy rang her up for a job. Caroline says that she’d have him back like a shot, but there are no vacancies. However, later in the week, Caroline rings Roy with the offer of the post of temporary receptionist, with the chance of promotion to dogsbody if he’s lucky. “When do you want me to start?” is Roy’s response - no false pride with this boy.

 

Caroline goes to see Elizabeth, ostensibly to talk about the Hunt Ball, which was Roy’s baby and she’s surprised he’s left. The question of ‘why’ is left hanging in the air but Elizabeth says it was an amicable decision and she is sorry to lose him. It’s Elizabeth’s day for visitors as Roy turns up to tell her that he wants a substantial settlement, or he’ll take her to the Tribunal. Lizzie says that Caroline might have a job for him but a bitter Roy reveals its lowly status.

 

It gets worse; Freddie calls Phoebe and wants to meet. When they do so, Freddie tells her that his Mum and her Dad have been having an affair. A horrified Phoebe doesn’t believe it, but Freddie says that it must be still going on, as he saw Roy’s car turning into Lower Loxley earlier on. Nice one Freddie - a great case of 2+2=5. Can’t he be sent away to boarding school, or be bound head to foot in duct tape? Anything to get him to keep his gob shut.

 

You will be delighted to know - or alternatively, like me you might not give a toss - that Mungo’s naming ceremony went off OK. It was held in the Dower House and Fallon performed wonders in decorating the place at short notice. Robert gave a speech (which, mercifully, we didn’t hear), Lynda read a poem and Lilian also gave a speech, which could be summarised as: “I was a rubbish mother, but I’ll be a fun Gran, now where’s the gin?” Lilian later described the naming ceremony as “bizarre”, so she must have still been sober.

 

Leonie said that Fallon really had “a talent for this sort of thing” and then turned it into a back-handed compliment by saying that she (Leonie) had thought of running her own business but found that “there was more joy and fulfilment in nurturing a new life”, the pompous cow. Later on, Jill and Carol Tregorran are talking at Glebe Cottage and Carol nearly has hysterics when Jill tells her the baby’s name is Mungo. Carol rose enormously in my estimation when she described James as “Never my favourite Godchild - the pretentious little brat.” Well said, that woman!

 

At Bridge Farm, Johnny’s parents give in and allow him to stay with his Grandparents and pursue the agricultural apprenticeship. Tony lets him ride a quad bike and insists that he wears a helmet. “Remember what happened to your Dad” he adds, somewhat tactlessly. It looks like we are going to hear a lot more from Johnny, unless he realises that he cannot possibly live with Tony for three years or however long the apprenticeship lasts. What would they do if (heaven forfend) Tom came back?

 

Over at Brookfield, there is a dilemma, as Rooooth’s Mum Heather is recovering from her fall and Rooooth goes to see her in the frozen north. What to do with Heather next? Sheltered housing? A care home seems out of the question and Jill suggests that Heather could live at Brookfield and she (Jill) could move into Rickyard cottage.

 

PC Burns goes to see Fallon and says “Did you really have to dump me by text - aren’t I worth a farewell drink?” Fallon replies that she didn’t want to pick over the entrails and“We don’t have a future.” PCB is hurt by this and says “I thought better of you, Fallon, I really did” before leaving. If I were him, I’d see if I could arrest Wayne - I bet that would get Fallon talking to him again.

 

Rob and Helen go hunting, leaving a chickenpox-stricken Henry with Pat, and Helen is smitten with the exhilaration and excitement of it all. In fact, she tells Rob that“I haven’t enjoyed anything quite so much”which I bet did wonders for Rob’s ego.

It Never Rains But…

Carole Boyd (Lynda Snell)

According to Radio 4, the first half of September was the driest since records began in 1960. Obviously they didn’t include Ambridge in this, as on Wednesday we had Lynda on the phone to Leonie (who was being a pain, as usual), telling her how lovely the marquee looks for Marmalade’s (or whatever the latest name is) naming ceremony. Fallon has done a wonderful job with the bunting and, with the chairs and tablecloths all set out, it looks a treat; white and pristine.

What could go wrong? Funny you should ask that, as there’s a terrific clap of thunder and a torrential downpour. Tony, Ed and Johnny, who were lifting spuds at Bridge Farm, abandoned their efforts and rush to help Lynda. The rain, however, is of biblical ferocity and Lynda wails that her garden is ruined, with flowers and plants either flattened or washed away. The marquee isn’t looking too hot either, as waves of muddy water flow through it, giving a brown tinge to everything.

Lynda is distraught, which is nothing to what she feels later when she discovers that, in her haste, she ran out from Ambridge Hall and left the front door open, which means that Marmaduke’s naming ceremony cannot be held indoors either. For once Lynda has no plan B and is in tears, saying that “I’ve let Leonie, Robert and Mungo down - Leonie will never forgive me.” Now, while it’s true that Leonie is a first-class whinger with a grip on reality that could charitably be described as ‘tenuous’, surely even she can’t hold her stepmother responsible for a sudden and unprecedented downpour? Anyway, I have a possible solution - given that everywhere is discoloured (Lynda describes the marquee as “looking like a camouflage tent”) why not take advantage of things and change the baby’s name yet again; this time to ‘Mud’?

Two birthday boys on Thursday, with David reaching 55; still a long way behind Joe, who keeps telling people that he’s 93 and expecting them to buy him a drink - he practically has his hand out when he talks to David and David gives him the price of a drink or two. If I were David, I’d say “It’s my birthday too, so let’s call it evens, shall we?” David, however, is more generous and doesn’t complain.

Uncharacteristically, Joe gives Ed some money, telling him to spend it on himself and not the kids. What’s the reason for this out of character generosity? All we know is that Joe tells Tony later “You can right some wrongs with a grandson - or at least you can try.” Ed is reluctant to take the money at first, but Joe persuades him. Ed is never what you could call well off and he was shocked earlier in the week when Tony tells him that, should Johnny take up the agricultural apprenticeship offer, he would take home £100 a week. Mind you, Sharon has yet to give permission for Johnny to stay at Brookfield, so let’s not count chickens just yet, although if she refuses, he’ll probably make her life hell.

There was an opportunity missed when, instead of sending Wayne down for life, the namby-pamby, bleeding heart liberal magistrate gave him 120 hours community service. A photographer takes his picture outside the court and he wants to know who it is. Fallon says it was probably the Echo, adding: “It’s hardly likely to be Rolling Stone, is it?” PC Burns also turns up and Fallon accuses him of coming to gloat. He explains that he is there to give evidence in another case and asks Fallon if she’s free for a drink sometime. Her reply - “Leave us alone” - would suggest not.

A few days later, Fallon is talking to Jolene and it transpires that a photograph of Wayne did appear in the paper, Wayne went on a bender, lost his job at the bakers and his girlfriend threw him out. Wayne blames it all on “your flatfoot boyfriend” and Fallon says that she’s going to text PCB and tell him there’s no future for them. Jolene is upset, saying that PCB is a nice man. Looks like it’s still off, lads and lasses. May I suggest that the doors to every unused room in The Bull are nailed up now - I for one will be very upset if they put Wayne up; if the magistrate had jailed him, he’d have somewhere to stay, wouldn’t he?

Roy confronts Elizabeth about his severance package and is miffed when she tells him that she has already given Geraldine (the recently-hired Deputy General Manager) greater responsibility but he can have an ex-gratia payment. “What am I, a gigolo? Why should I make this easy for you?” asks an incensed Roy. In what sounds like a veiled threat, Liz says that she doesn’t have a marriage to protect, nor her children’s respect to lose (she lost that ages ago). “Do you want to risk that?” She adds, somewhat sinisterly. I’d take the money and run if I were you, Roy.

Jennifer decides to give her children £5 k each from her inheritance from John Tregorran and she tells Adam. Adam is grateful, and informs his mother that Carol Tregorran enjoyed her time in Ambridge so much that she has decided to come back and live there, renting Glebe Cottage. Jennifer says that Carol “goes back a long way” and a lot of people might regret her coming back. “Will we be deafened by the rattling of skeletons in closets? Adam asks. One such skeleton might be if Carol asks Jennifer “can you explain why my husband should leave you £50k?”

Going back to Jennifer’s plan to give her children money, she generously - and some might say inexplicably - includes Ruairi in this. I’d be careful, Jen; if you give £5 k to all Brian’s love children, £50 k won’t be anything like enough.

Mike’s Had Better Weeks

Terry Molloy (Mike Tucker)

Poor Mike - he had the pasteuriser go wrong last week and Vicky is putting the bite on him to move to Birmingham. Just when things can’t get any worse, they do, as Jazzer leaves the milk van unattended for a few moments and it is nicked. Good news: it turns up. Bad news: it’s been burnt out. It seems that Mike thinks that someone is trying to tell him something and he informs Jazzer (who tells Ed) that he is trying to sell the business.

Ed isn’t best pleased that he wasn’t told first hand and even less pleased that he won’t have a market for his milk. He and Jazzer get together in the cider club shed to do some brainstorming about how to make money. Could they buy Mike’s business? What with, lads? Also, Jazz is reluctant to give up his pig work. It looks bleak.

‘Bleak’ is a good word to describe the fortunes of Roy and Hayley; at the beginning of the week, Lizzie has a heart to heart with roy along the lines of “we can’t go on like this.” Roy agrees and says he’ll bite the bullet and leave Hayley for Elizabeth. This, however wasn’t what Liz meant and she tells Roy that he ought to look for a job somewhere else. “You’re sacking me?” he cries, but Liz says that she’d like his leaving to be “by mutual consent.” That sounds better than ‘being tossed aside like a spent match’ but Roy is definitely getting the Big E.

He goes home and is spotted by Hayley looking for jobs on the Internet. In answer to her questioning, he says “It’s time I moved on from Lower Loxley.” Hayley isn’t stupid and later on in the week she confronts Elizabeth about her relationship with Roy and shows her the heart-shaped locket that Liz returned to him. Liz doesn’t deny it and a bitter Hayley says “I thought the world of you - I trusted you.” She also accuses Liz of smashing up their world, adding: “It was a lovely world, Elizabeth.” Liz could have said “Your comments have been noted, now get back to work” but she didn’t.

Hayley returned home and Roy came in to find the children have been farmed out and it’s serious discussion time. On Roy’s part, this consists of phrases such as “I never meant to hurt you” and “I still love you.” Hayley says that she knows she’s nothing compared to Lizzie (well, you are 10 years younger Hayley) and that she’s only with Roy because Kate dumped him and she’s always been second best. She’s really good at laying a guilt trip on her errant husband and I for one say ‘good for you, girl’. She finishes by saying: “The simple matter is that I’m not good enough for you, am I?” and, when an increasingly-distraught Roy asks “Where do we go from here?” her answer is “You tell me Roy, because I’ve got no idea.” I think it will take more than a few flowers to smooth this over, although he does have a heart-shaped locket she can have.

From the dramatic to the farcical - according to Lynda, the latest favourite name for her grandson is ‘Mungo’, which I submit is an improvement on Mowgli or Montezuma. Perhaps you’d like to pick your own stupid name beginning with ‘M’.

Lynda also eeveals to David and Josh that apparently the cost of adopting Route B would be considerably less than for Routes A or C, which doesn’t bode well for any compensation money for Brookfield. “So have we lost already?” asks Josh, who might be thinking that as he’s learning to drive, he’ll have a nice, new dual carriageway to practice on. “We still have the Brown Hairstreak” says Lynda - this is going to be the best looked after butterfly in the world, I reckon.

At Bridge Farm, Johnny (the grandson formerly known as Rich) has been spending a few days getting involved with all aspects of day-to-day farming and enjoying it hugely. He even averted disaster when a speeding Jazzer caused the cattle to stampede (or at least move off quickly) and Johnny persuaded the bull Otto to follow him into a field. Eddie, who was watching, tells Tony “That lad’s a born stockman, isn’t he?”

But all is not well. Pat and Tony hold a family tea at Bridge Farm, with Johnny, Peggy, Rob, Helen and Henry. Pat confides to Peggy how much she has enjoyed having Johnny there but Peggy says that he is supposed to be going home next week to start sixth form college and why doesn’t Pat ring Sharon (his Mum) now to arrange a pick up? Pat does so and, when she tells Johnny that his Mum will pick him up on Sunday, he goes off on one, saying that he doesn’t want to go to college and “I want to stay here and work on the farm, just like my dad.” Could be a long trip back to Yorkshire.

Helen is paranoid that everyone is talking about Jess and her and Rob. She’s probably correct, as Susan tells Clarrie that Jess was pregnant and suggests that Rob could be “Another Brian Aldridge, with babies everywhere.” let’s face it; if Susan knows, then so will everyone within minutes. Actually, Rob exhibits his manipulative side, as he wants Helen and Henry to ride with the hunt and he says what better way to demonstrate that they are a family? Helen is definitely weakening.

Finally, I was going to make up a limerick about the relationship between Roy and Elizabeth, but I had to give it up, as I couldn’t  for the life of me think of a rhyme for ‘Tucker’…

Who’s The Daddy?

Rina Mahoney (Jess Titchener)

Little doubt about the big drama last week, when a pregnant Jess turned up at Blossom Hill Cottage, much to Helen’s surprise and, when Jess says that Rob is the father, consternation (to put it mildly). Conception apparently happened when Rob went to see Jess in February. Jess slags Rob off and Helen says that, if Rob is so despicable, why did she sleep with him? “Because he’s bloody irresistible” Jess replied, adding that no other man has even come close. I want to know what aftershave that man uses and can you buy it in bulk?

Jess assures Helen that she doesn’t want Rob back, but she wants him to face up to his responsibilities and realise that he has taken her hopes and her future away. She gets the chance when Rob returns home and tells him “I’m carrying your child - our baby. You can’t pretend that I don’t exist.” Rob’s answer is short and succinct: “Get out before I throw you out” and Jess leaves, saying “I’ll be in touch.”

Rob tells Helen that Jess is delusional, adding: “That woman is poison - the worst mistake I ever made.” Helen is, understandably, shocked and confused and rushes outside for air, making retching noises. Rob joins her and she tells him “it’s as if Jess has planted a time bomb in my life.” Rob tries to comfort Helen, saying that Jess “is trying to obliterate everything that we know is good and real” and he offers to take a pre-natal paternity test if that’s what Helen wants. “Nothing has changed between us” he adds; a statement which I submit is patently untrue.

He asks Helen if she trusts him and she replies “I do”. I must admit I’m not sure if I would, even though he says “I’m the person you know, not the character Jess has invented.” Sod trust Helen - get him to take the paternity test; that way you’ll know for sure and you can always apologise afterwards, if necessary.

Trust is also in short supply at chez Tucker. Roy, obviously feeling guilty, says that he has booked a restaurant for him and Hayley and here’s some money, so why not go out and buy a new outfit? Hayley does so, but things don’t go according to plan as, at Lower Loxley, Freddie goes AWOL. Roy says he cannot leave Elizabeth on her own so stays on. When Freddie does come back, he goes berserk when Lizzie asks him where he’s been and why did he run off? “Because my mother’s a lying cow,” he replies and lets it be known that he knows that Liz and Roy have been having sex. When Roy admonishes him, Freddie says “Who are you to tell me what to do? We employ you.” That’s you told then Roy. Roy returns home and tries to explain to Haley what happened (omitting the sex bit). Hayley asks (not unreasonably) why didn’t he call her? Roy says he’ll book the same place for next week, so presumably there’ll be another Freddie-centred disaster to cock it up again.

Over at the bottling plant, Mike isn’t happy because the pasteuriser has packed up and a new one would cost £15 K. He manages to get it repaired but confides to Ed that he wonders if it’s worth bothering to carry on. This is not what Ed wants to hear, as if Mike packs it in, where will Ed sell his milk? Vicky urges Mike to give it up. “What about Ed and Jazzer?” Mike asks, to which Vicky replies “We’re not a charity, besides, we won’t be in Ambridge much longer” which does nothing to cheer Mike up.

Ed isn’t happy because the work from Adam has dried up. In fact, Adam tells Charlie Thomas that he could do with another tractor driver and how about Ed Grundy? “No way” Charlie replies. This is strange, as, two days later, Ed is in The Bull with Jazzer and Ed is bemoaning his lot. Jazzer - trying to stir up a bit of mischief - suggests that Ed sorts things out with Charlie, who is also in the pub. Ed approaches Charlie, who tells him that he was just about to come over to see Ed to apologise for the things he called him. Even better - would Ed like some tractor work on the Estate? I find this sudden conversion unsettling - beware Charlies bearing gifts, Ed.

I think that James will kill Leonie before long, as she has him running around after her and doing all the night feeds. She won’t even let him out to wet the baby’s head, as it’s vital that the baby has constant contact with the father for the first six weeks. There is some good news, or so doting grandmothers Lilian and Lynda think, when Leonie says that, numerologically, ‘Mowgli’ is an inauspicious name. Their delight is tempered, however, when Leonie says “We quite like Montezuma, don’t we?” Will someone please give that woman a slap and stop her reading weird books and pamphlets?

Jolene and Fallon were talking about Loxfest and Jo says that Harrison really came alive on the stage and it was due to Fallon. Jo also asks if PCB arresting Wayne has affected their relationship and Fallon replies “We’re so different - maybe we’re just not meant to be.” Looks like it’s off again, lads. The talk turns to what a silly boy Wayne has been (he’s up before the Magistrate next week - get that black cap washed and ironed) and Jolene says he’s not a bad man, “but you’re better off seeing him in small doses.” Let’s think, I believe that scientists have detected radiation from about 0.00000001 seconds after the Big Bang - I reckon that’s more than long enough to spend in Wayne’s company.