I Thought I Must Be Dreaming…

Patricia Greene (Jill Archer)

Surely my ears deceived me - had I really heard what I thought? If so, here was proof that prayers can be answered. What caused this mood of elation? It was the conversation between Jill and Lynda, where Lynda bemoaned the fact that only two people (Derek Fletcher and Molly Button) had turned up for her auditions for Rumpelstiltskin.

Jill was elevated to the level of ‘my favourite Archers character’ when she said “Would it be such a terrible thing to have a year off?” and made comparison with leaving a field fallow for a year to rejuvenate it. Lynda seems to be convinced, saying: “That’s it - no Christmas show in Ambridge this year - perhaps never again.” My euphoria soared even higher at these words and I warn the writers now that, should they get some deluded villager to talk Lynda out of her decision and resurrect the Christmas extravaganza, then my revenge will be both swift and terrible.

It was a week of potentially momentous decisions, with David accepting that moving north might be the solution to the problem of what to do with Heather and he and Rooooth look at a couple of farms; one of which was extremely attractive. David told Jill what they were doing and she tentatively agreed that she might have to move with them. However, on Friday at the Harvest Supper, she told Carol that being with friends and family made her realise that she was too old to start again.

It would be unthinkable to have the Archers without David (Rooooth can go, as far as I’m concerned) so what answer will the writers come up with? My money’s on the Paul (Lilian’s erstwhile lover)/Ivy Horrobin solution, whereby potential problems were solved by killing off the character in question, so might Heather be living on borrowed time?

Momentous happenings too in the Hayley/Roy/Elizabeth saga. The week began badly for Roy when he showed a bit too much interest in what Liz was doing in the preparations for the Hunt Ball at Lower Loxley and he wondered why Hayley got a bit arsey when he said things like “I told Elizabeth she’d have to etc, etc…” On Tuesday, Hayley took the momentous - and probably unwise - step of confiding details of Roy’s affair to Vicky. Of all the people in Ambridge, only Susan would be a worse choice of confidante and it can only be a matter of time before the whole affair is public knowledge.

Mind you, the chances are that Vicky won’t get the chance to tell anyone, as Hayley went to see Lizzie (at Vicky’s suggestion) to find out exactly how long the affair had been going on. Roy had told her that he and Liz had only done the dastardly deed at the weekend away at the music festival, but Liz told Hayley that it also happened once at Lower Loxley. Hayley is hurt that Roy had lied to her and he returns home from Grey Gables on Friday to find her packing. Roy asks ‘why?’ (go on Roy, hazard a guess) and she says that it is because he didn’t tell her everything. People will start putting two and two together if Hayley suddenly leaves Ambridge.

Roy begs her not to go and says that he loves her and the children, to which she replies that she needs time to think “now that our marriage is over.” “We can’t be over, we can’t” Roy wails, to which Hayley says “You lost me when you fell in love with Elizabeth.” However, she demonstrates a fine sense of fairness by saying that she’s taking Abbie, but leaving Phoebe with Roy. Phoebe’s going to love that!

Another big decision is made when Helen tells Rob and the family that she’s going to give up work in order to spend quality time with Henry and pay more attention to Rob. Pat is not impressed and reverts to her default mode of blaming it all on Rob. Tony protests that Rob kept asking Helen if she was making the right decision, but Pat says that just shows how cunning and devious he is and “She genuinely thinks that this is her own idea.” The possibility that it actually might be is not entertained for a second and Rob is getting the blame for everything. Ebola spreading in Liberia? Rob’s fault. A rogue asteroid about to strike the Earth? It’s down to that Titchener fellow again.

Moving on to less Earth-shattering events, how can I get Bert to come and do my garden? Only a few days after Carol Tregorran asking him to do stuff in her garden, he’s dug in about three tons of well-rotted manure (having fetched it from the Stables) and created a load of raised beds that, judging from Carol’s reaction, rival the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Bert was born in 1936 so how come he’s working at the speed of a motorised excavator? He says he’s pleased to have a project to keep him busy - come and do my garden Bert; you’ll be bloody ecstatic. He also told Carol that he wrote poetry, but fortunately Jill managed to drag her away before we could be subjected to it.

Fallon goes for a drink with Alice and PC Burns is there with Justine, who Fallon says is the girl who dumped him on Valentine’s Day. Fallon grumbles about PCB being there, but methinks the lady doth protest too much and I still have hopes for the two of them getting together - I just wish they‘d get on with it.

And finally, what has happened to Darrell? Since he got his refurbished van-cum-bijou residence, he seems to have completely vanished from the face of the Earth.