Witch Hazel

Annette Badland (Hazel Woolley)

From nowhere, Jack Woolley's daughter Hazel has moved effortlessly into first place in the 'person who you'd most like to give a good kicking to' category. What with her crocodile tears at Jack's funeral, her fleeting appearance at the wake before announcing that she has to leave (cue sound of cheering in the background) and her telling Peggy to be at the solicitor's in a couple of days time or else, the woman is a real charmer.

At the solicitor's, Hazel gets annoyed when Peggy and Toby (obviously old friends) are chatting about the family and Jack's funeral. "We all know what we're here for – let's get on with it" says Hazel and, when Toby begins by saying how complicated Jack's affairs are, Hazel cuts in with "Just tell us who gets what." Come on Hazel, don't beat about the bush – say what you mean.

Just when you hoped that Toby was going to say "Peggy gets the lot and you get nothing" we learned that Peggy gets the Lodge and some minority shares in his businesses and Hazel gets the rest. Toby tells her that she's going to be quite a wealthy woman, but 'quite' isn't enough for witch Hazel and she demands to know where the rest of Jack's estate is – where are the offshore accounts, the property abroad? She also accuses Toby of mismanaging Jack's affairs and takes her leave, telling Peggy in passing that, as Executor, Peggy should pull her finger out. But Hazel hasn't gone straight home – she's in the village "doing research". This consists of checking out Jack's property and things don't look good for the village community shop when Hazel says to Susan "Daddy let you rent this shop for practically nothing."  Changes will be on the way, I suspect.

Now I know that parents never stop worrying about their children, but someone should take Pat to one side and wrap copious amounts of gaffer tape round her gob before she alienates Helen totally. Early on in the week, Pat is quizzing Kirsty about Rob and the penny has dropped that Helen never really made the necklace that Pat likes so much and that it was to cover up the affair with Rob. "I'm right, aren't I?" Pat demands. Kirsty suggests that she talks to Helen about it.

Sadly, when Helen and her parents do talk, they are so aggressive towards Rob that it ends in an argument. Helen tells her mother that Rob isn't the scheming adulterer that Pat paints him and to cut him some slack. When Helen has left, Tony and Pat talk together and it seems that common sense might be prevailing when Tony says: "Maybe it's good for her to have a man in her life". Pat's having none of this namby-pamby attitude and spits back "It's not a man, it's Rob."

Pat's seemingly relentless urge to drive her daughter away continues when they talk later in the week – Pat hears Henry say something about there being biscuits "at Daddy's house" and she realises he means Rob's cottage. When Helen and Henry return, Pat wades in with all guns blazing and gob taking precedence over brain as she accuses Helen of not thinking about Henry and "Rob's not his father – suppose Rob disappears again?" Helen finally snaps and says that here she is, taking a big step in her life and it would have been nice to have had some support from her parents, ending with "What kind of mother are you?" My list of adjectives currently runs to three pages, but I'm sure you can formulate your own.

What Pat needs is for someone to sit her down and tell her to back off (this is after the application of gaffer tape) and, on Friday at the Wassail ceremony, the chance falls to Rob as he and Pat meet accidentally at the mulled cider tent. He tells Pat that Helen was very upset after the talk with Pat ("So was I" protests Pat) and "Can't we all pull together for her sake?" Pat says that Helen is very fragile and is surprised when Rob says he knows all about Greg's suicide and Helen's anorexia. Pat ends the conversation by telling Rob "If I find you've done anything to jeopardise Helen's health or happiness, believe me, you'll have me to answer to." Does this mean that a truce has been declared? Will Pat be able to bite her tongue and mind her own business? No, I don't think so either.

Puppy Holly went from zero to hero when she distributed the contents of a bin bag around the house. But wait! Susan spots an old lottery ticket and has won £4,500! Neil counsels not telling Tracy or Idiot Gary, or they'll have the lot. Susan is full of ideas for her dream holiday, but she does give Emma £500 to spend – perhaps they can get George some psychiatric help as he is now convinced that Ed is trying to poison Holly, having seen poisoned bait for rats lying around the farm. A short course of ECT and he'll be normal again – well, as normal as any child of Will can be.

After Jack's funeral, Kenton walks Jill back to Glebe Cottage. They hear a noise and realise that it was someone going out the back door. Sure enough, Jill has been burgled. Next day David arrives with PC Burns, who is very supportive. David says he can stay if Jill wants, but she tells him to go and, when he does, she bolts the door with a sigh worthy of Jamie in his pre-lumberjack days. Emma and Ed were talking about the burglary and she wonders if it could be Darrell, but Ed says he has an alibi, as he was at the stables, working on the conversion of the van into his des res. So who can the felon be? Speaking personally, I reckon that the police are even now beating a path to Clive Horrobin's door, notebook and handcuffs in hand.

I Thought I'd Gone Deaf…

Patricia Gallimore (Pat Archer)

I refer, of course, to the sublime moment when Helen told Pat about her plans to move in with Rob and Pat was – sadly only momentarily – struck speechless. It happened because Pat just couldn't stop herself interfering, asking unsubtle questions and dropping heavy hints about 'your bit of news.' She agreed when Tony told her to give it a rest, but she just couldn't stop herself. Eventually, Helen lost patience (about two days later than me) and spelled out her news in brutally blunt terms. Pat's subsequent silence was most welcome. Pity the shock didn't strike her dumb.

Of course, once the news was out, we had days of hand-wringing and "what is she playing at?" with Pat wandering all over the place like a lost soul. She even berated Tony for thinking about vegetables at such a time. Oh yes, that will be a great help – stop all the work on the farm, why don't you? And board up the dairy while you're at it. It's the bloody Rich scenario all over again.

Friday was Pat's birthday (61, but you didn't hear it from me) and Helen has volunteered to do the cooking. She also managed to get Pat to agree to have Rob at the meal and a strained evening ensues, with Kirsty and Tom making up the numbers. The conversation flows like treacle and, when clearing away the dishes, Rob admits to Helen that things don't seem to be going too well. Really, he should think himself lucky that he hasn't got a carving knife sticking out of his back, or been fed toadstools.

Rob leaves and Helen tells her mother that all her prejudices came out that evening and, before going to bed, she tells her "I've never been happier." Pat tells Tony: "It's hopeless – she's besotted with him." Well spotted Pat, the clue was in the phrase 'I've never been happier' wasn't it? A few words of advice Pat – mind your own bloody business and let Helen live her own life. I really hope that Rob doesn't do the dirty on Helen, as I couldn't bear the weeks of the inevitable 'I told you so' that would surely follow.

The early New Year prize for breathtaking self-delusion goes to Susan Carter. She has really got the blues badly and her depression is deepened by worries about the future of the shop, now Jack Woolley is dead. I mean, God alone knows that the woman could whinge and moan for Great Britain on a normal day, but her recent performance makes you wonder where you put the extra-large tub of aspirins or whether a pyjama cord could support your weight.

"When did you last surprise me?" she demands of husband Neil. If I were him, I'd have taken her down to the Am and thrown her in, yelling "Surprise!" Instead he says "It had better be the Taj Mahal then." And this is where the self-delusion comes in, as Susan immediately thinks he is going to whisk her off to India. How long have they been married? This is Neil we're talking about – I'm not sure that he even has a passport. It turns out that he was talking about the local curry house, which came as a surprise to nobody, except Susan, it seems.

Despite this crushing disappointment, she's at it again later in the week, when Emma finds her looking at Neil's laptop and she sees that he has been viewing sites about Brazil, notably about the Carnival in Rio and she is convinced that he has a surprise planned for Easter. Neil comes back from a Parish Council meeting and tells Susan that the plan for Lent and Easter this year is to perform Passion Plays (please, God, don't let Lynda get involved) and Ambridge has been allocated Good Friday. When he says that he might go for a place in the cast, Susan comes over all girlish and coy and says "You know you've got something better lined up, Neil – Brazil!" A mystified Neil tells her that he was checking details of the World Cup for Chris and Alice and, once again, Susan's illusions are shattered. You could well be in the spare room for a while Neil.

Just to add to Susan's woes, puppy Holly continues her campaign of destruction and disruption. George wants to take her outside to play and Ed agrees. He throws the ball and it lands in the pond, where Holly leaps in to get it. Ed rescues the dog, but George is convinced that he did it on purpose and that he hates Holly. So convinced is he that he tells Emma he wants to take Holly when he goes to Will's at the weekend. Ed is worried that he won't get over it and says that Will has been winding George up, portraying Ed as someone who has a problem with dogs. Let's think; this is a man who had plastered warning signs to dog owners all over the farm, a man who foams at the mouth whenever he sees a dog running loose and, not least, a man who shot his son's puppy – I don't think Will has had to work too hard on Ed's image, do you?

My heart soared when Lynda hinted to Robert that, what with Leonie's baby and work, she might not even do a show next year. Yes! Result! Crack open the bubbly and ring those church bells! Then it all goes pear-shaped when Lynda reads the review of her latest extravaganza in The Echo. The reviewer has committed the cardinal sin of calling it 'a panto' and obviously missed the subtle nuances of the production. He also hints that perhaps Lynda is past her best. An incensed Lynda tells Robert that "if he thinks I'm finished, I'll show him this year!" No!!! That noise you can hear is me weeping softly in the background. Does anyone know how you can get a champagne cork back in the bottle?

Getting Back Together

Anna Piper (Rosa Makepeace)

New Year's Eve was a time of reconciliation all round at The Bull – Rosa starts talking to her Dad again and Rob and Helen saw the New Year in with a bang. Well, with several bangs actually, as Rob was looking tired on the New Year's Day shoot. Jennifer tells him that she's not surprised "because you've been hard at it." Never said a truer word Jen.

But first of all Rosa and Darrell's story. Originally the plan was to get Rosa to come to Keeper's, where she would find Darrell. He (unaware of the cunning plan) wasn't keen and wanted to stay in his shed. Then it all changed and Eddie decided they should go down to the pub, where he knew Rosa would be. Darrell is even less keen, but Eddie gets him in a headlock and marches him to The Bull.

While there, he spots Rosa in another bar and Eddie urges him to make contact. He wishes her 'Happy New Year' and gets set to leave. "Don't go" says Rosa, and they hug. Later on, Rosa tells Tom and Kirsty that she's glad her and her Dad are talking again. So what has all the drama and aggravation of the past few weeks been about, not to mention the waste of petrol?

Just before midnight, Helen slips out and meets Rob. They kiss and he calls himself all kinds of names for being an idiot and treating her so badly. "Come back to mine – come back to me Helen" he pants and she does. Game back on.

Taking the 'Getting back together' theme to new heights of tenuousness, Jill is reunited with her car when she decides to drive the short distance to Peggy's. Bad move! On the way she nearly mows down Eddie, Joe and Bartleby, prompting an incensed Eddie to call at Brookfield and demand that they stop Jill driving before there's a serious accident.

Jill is distraught and being fed tea and comfort from Peggy. Practical as ever, Peggy reminds her that "a simple operation could give you back your vision." "I should be comforting you" wails Jill.

And the reason Jill should be offering solace to Peggy is that Jack Woolley slipped peacefully away during Wednesday night. Peggy had spent much of the day with him (it was the day of their 23rd Wedding Anniversary) giving us a running commentary on their wedding, as they (or, rather, she – Jack's memory has been long gone) reminisced about the day. Not terrific radio, but quite touching. Actually, Peggy's had quite a hard life; her first husband (also Jack) was a complete lush and when they bought the pub, which, in hindsight, perhaps wasn't the best move to make, she ended up running it virtually single-handed. Then Jack died and Jack Woolley (who was a long-time admirer of Peggy) came back on the scene. They married and were happy until Dementia began to take its toll and Jack had to move into The Laurels nursing home.

Peggy tells Jill that she hopes she made Jack happy and she feels so lucky to have been given that second chance. "It's the happy memories that see you through" says Jill. "I lost Jack a long time ago" Peggy replies. Jill asks if she should stay, but Peggy tells her to go (Kenton picks her up). As they leave, Peggy tells her cats that, although people mean well, it makes it difficult to get time on her own, which is what she really wants. The last sound of the week was Peggy playing a scratchy version of 'Love is the sweetest thing' and saying "Goodbye Jack, my love".

Jack's demise threw a spanner in the works of Helen and Rob's plans to come clean to the family. Thursday is Henry's birthday and Pat, Helen and Tom are in the kitchen, making a dinosaur-shaped cake. The plan was for Helen to tell the family that she, Rob and Henry are going to live together and then Rob was due to arrive, offering moral support. It started off OK, with Helen saying "I've got something to tell you. Not now, after the party." Pat proves once again that she cannot understand long words like 'after' when she pipes up "can't you tell us now?" The party ends and Pat wants to know what the news is. Tony's not there and, before he can make an appearance, Lilian and Peggy turn up with news of Jack's death. Helen is anxious to get hold of Rob and put him off, but Pat tells her to go and sit with her Gran. Rob turns up, expecting to be castigated and possibly castrated, when Helen butts in with the sad news. Fortunately, Rob has brought a present for Henry (a toy farm set and not a 500 stall milking parlour in sight) and he tactfully leaves. Later he and Helen agree that their box of matches has been temporarily urinated upon and their news will have to wait till after the funeral.

Finally, we had a glimpse (sadly) of things to come with Leonie's baby when it arrives. Lilian was in depression at the thought of becoming a Grandmother and has to be persuaded by Matt that further plastic surgery isn't necessary. Meanwhile, when Lilian tells Lynda that she's nipping out for a fag, Lynda says that she hopes she won't smoke near the baby, nor near Leonie during pregnancy. Lynda then says that she learned a lot when Flat Leaf Parsley and Oscar were staying with them. "At least Robert and I know our way round a breast pump" Lynda tells Lilian, smugly. I suppose we all need a hobby.

Matt Blows It

Kim Durham (Matt Crawford)

Well, Matt badly let down five million listeners when James, who had just learned that Leonie was pregnant, came looking for advice and guidance and Matt persuaded him to tell Leonie that he wanted her to go ahead with the pregnancy. Matt didn't actually tell James to go ahead in so many words, but he did say that, if he had his time again, he might have done things differently and that James isn't getting any younger. Let's face it, mentally at least that would be impossible. This is no time to get all sentimental – just think, he could have steered James into fleeing the country or similar and we would never have heard from him again, but Matt blew it. Big time.

Another story that brought a lump (of vomit) to the throat was Tom's proposal to Kirsty on Christmas Day. There was one cracker left and Tom asked Kirsty to pull it with him. She does and – blow me down – there's a ring inside! Who'd have thought it? Tom asks Kirsty to marry him and she says 'yes' immediately. I would have thought she'd have wanted to think it over for a decade or two, but there's no accounting for women.

This romance is transferred to the Robin Hood panto, where the leading couple take five curtain calls and Lynda says that they are her best-ever leads. You might have a hard job not appearing next year Tom, although I suppose there is a faint hope that Lynda will be so besotted with Leonie's new baby that she will forget to stage a Festive extravaganza. That's the least the scriptwriters could do for inflicting the James and Leonie story on us.

There is Christmas spirit galore over at Keeper's Cottage, when Darrell emerges from the cider shed to wish the Grundys a Merry Christmas. Before he knows it, Darrell has been invited to lunch and been given a present. He protests that he is in no fit state, but Clarrie runs him a bath, goes over his body with the nit comb and rubs him down with Jeyes Fluid. Later on in the day, Clarrie remarks to Eddie that Darrell seemed a bit quiet over the meal. Darrell seems uncomfortable with accepting hospitality – or perhaps he just couldn't stand the Grundys' company any longer – as during the afternoon, he thanks them and takes his leave.

On Boxing Day, Ed is at work with Rosa and he tells her that her Dad spent the day at Keeper's Cottage. She isn't interested but when Ed tells her that, when Darrell was nicked for shoplifting, it was because he wanted a present to give Rosa, this obviously affected Rosa as, later in the day, Ed sees her scooter outside the gate at Keeper's. However, that's as far as she gets as, just like when he was in hospital following the overdose, she cannot bring herself to go and see him. Honestly, she must have wasted a small fortune in petrol going to see him and chickening out at the last minute.

There is a surprise for George – after the family have seen him in the Nativity play, he is taken to a farm to choose a puppy. It seems that Emma visited the farmer, who had promised first pick of the litter to another family, to try and get him to change his mind. He did so after hearing that George's previous dog Baz had died "in an accident". That was no accident – dead-eye Ed Grundy only hits what he aims at - but it does the trick and the man relents. Presumably he made Emma promise never to come near him again as part of the deal.

Anyway, George picks out a bitch and names her Holly and the family return triumphantly to Ambridge View, where Holly promptly makes a puddle on the floor, leaving Susan distinctly unimpressed. George says it's going to be the best Christmas ever. On Boxing Day, Holly continues to wreak havoc, soiling Susan's brand new Pashmina. "It's ruined!" she wails, prompting George to worry about whether she will want to take Holly back. Susan reassures him that Holly is now part of the family, but you can hear the regret in her voice.

The Helen/Rob story took another twist when he rang her on Christmas Day, saying that he'd like to see her on Friday. Helen has already learned that Jess has returned early to Sussex and she thinks this might be a hopeful sign, telling Kirsty "If I'm right, this could change my whole life."

Friday arrives and the couple meet. Rob's opening remark is that it's all over between him and Jess and "She's out of my life for good." Instead of ripping his clothes off, Helen is cautious, asking "So what happens now?" His reply is that that's up to her, but ever since he first met her, she's been the only one he's wanted – we'll gloss over the few weeks when he dumped Helen and went back to his wife. Rob also says he is going to divorce Jess and Helen is incredulous, saying "Why should I believe you?" The week ends with Rob saying "I know I don't deserve it, but please, give me another chance."

You're on your own here Helen, as I think I could guess what would be the advice from Tom and Kirsty (the only other people who know of Helen's affair). My advice – assuming you still want Rob - would be to tell him to get divorced first and then you'll see how things go from there; that'll teach the cheating swine a lesson.

A Dog Isn't Just For Christmas – In Fact It's Not Even For Christmas

Barry Farrimond (Ed Grundy)

Ed and Emma's plans to buy George a puppy for Christmas went nads up when they drove to the farm where the litter had been born, only to be told that they couldn't choose one before New Year, as the farmer had promised another family first pick of the litter and they were abroad till early 2014. Presumably they are farmers as well, as they seem to be the only people who can afford foreign holidays.

One wonders how closely Ed and Emma have consulted Neil and Susan (with whom they are living) about the puppy plan, as later in the week, Susan talks to Helen and says how down Ed is about the whole thing but, if it wasn't for George she (Susan) wouldn't have a puppy in the house anyway. Yes, I foresee tension when the puppy arrives at house-proud Susan's des res. Perhaps all will be resolved if they get the puppy and Will shoots it – we wait to see.

Ed finds Darrell in the cider shack (amazingly, he hasn't drunk their stock for the year) and Eddie shows his caring side by saying to his son that "Darrell is our responsibility now" and lets him stay in the hut. Not only that, but later in the week, Eddie brings Darrell eggs and bacon for breakfast and some old jumpers of Joe's (he quickly tells Darrell that they have been washed). And good for you Eddie – you've gone up in my estimation.

Even better, Eddie cajoles Darren to accompany him in the van when selling turkeys and Darrell – who was reluctant to even leave the hut until Eddie tells him he won't take 'no' for an answer – scales the heights of making up for the satnav's failures and even giving a turkey to a customer and taking money and giving change. However, Eddie pushes it a bit too far when he persuades Darrell to drop in on Rosa and mend a few fences with his daughter. He agrees, but it ends badly when she calls him 'smelly' and 'tramp' and 'thief'. OK Rosa, but apart from that? Well, plenty, really, as she accuses him of being "disgusting" and "you're shaming all of us." Showing a bit of spirit, Darrell hits back, saying: "You're still my daughter, whether you like it or not." Rosa's seasonal reply to this is "You know what Dad, whether you like it or not, I wish you were dead." Sharper than a serpent's tooth, indeed.

What to think about the relationship between Jess and Rob? The 'if you can get here and live within 100 miles of Ambridge' party arranged by Jennifer for Jess and Rob – well, for Jess; Rob would rather stick pins in his eyes but he's been presented with a fait accompli – is arranged for Thursday. Even worse, Jess has decided to get Ambridge Organics to supply the food. Even worse than worse, when Helen and Kirsty turn up with the food on the night, Jess asks them if they'd mind serving it to her guests? The woman is either totally innocent or a sadist on par with Torquemada if she knows what's been going on.

Suffice it to say that the party does not go with a swing and Helen and Kirsty take the earliest opportunity to make an excuse and leave. Rob and Jess bicker when it's finished (no-one had Jess's salmon, even though she had borrowed Jennifer's fish kettle) and it fell on the floor. Rob tells his wife: "Your party, your salmon, your mess" and he goes upstairs with a large whisky, telling her not to follow him. The frosty atmosphere didn't pass unnoticed, even by Susan, who didn't even go to the party, and she prattles on to Helen about how Jess seems to be "a bit of a cold fish" and how nice Rob is.

The same day, Rob turns up at Ambridge Organics and apologises profusely to Helen about the hard time she must have had at the party. Rob says it was the most ghastly night he's ever spent since coming to Ambridge and he blames Jess for being in a foul mood and blaming him for the "whole sorry mess." He also thanks Helen for being so nice (the conversation is very formal) and says "I don't deserve it." The jury's out as to whether Rob is a nice bloke with a manipulative wife or she is a nice person with a cheating dirtbag of a husband – if Helen believes the former, I can foresee a New Year of adultery, deceit, lies and jewellery making.

Our worst fears were realised when Leonie – who has been moping around at Ambridge Hall and being generally like a wet weekend - let slip to Lynda that she's pregnant and that James doesn't know. Let's be honest – if James did know, he probably wouldn't know how it happened. Lynda was all concern, but there was a glimmer of hope for us listeners, when Leonie replied: "To be honest, Lynda, I'm not even sure that I'm going to have this baby." Anybody know how you get one of those e-petitions up and running? Mind you, the site would probably crash within minutes.

Finally, to all our readers: have a good Christmas and it's probably best to keep away from any meeting involving Will and Ed Grundy!

Just What You Don’t Want For Christmas

Jasmine Hyde (Leonie Snell)

If you’re the Snells, it’s Leonie coming back unexpectedly, but that’s what has happened. She turned up, moaning about James’s juvenile behaviour - she was trying to organise a ‘sophisticated’ fancy dress party and James just arsed around with a tea towel on his head. Apparently this is symptomatic of his behaviour and was the last straw, so she hot-footed it to Ambridge and inflicted herself on her Dad and Stepmother, not to mention us.

Lynda is not impressed, as her attention is being taken up by the Robin Hood play and Robert has never been closer to death than when he told Leonie “This is your home as long as you need it.” Leonie doesn’t want James to know where she is and so we have Lynda playing out a ridiculous charade whenever Lilian asks her if she knows. And I fear we are in for even more tragic news; when Leonie and Lynda have a heart to heart, Leonie tells her that she’ll be 39 and “I don’t want to be on my own now that I’m…” “Middle aged?” Lynda completed for her. “Yes, that too” says Leonie and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who thought ‘she’s pregnant’, with a heavily sinking heart. Please God, let me be wrong!

At least Lynda has found herself a new leading man, with Tom’s acting of the proposal scene reducing her to tears. It made me weep too, but for different reasons. The scene obviously gave Tom ideas and he asked Peggy whether or not he should ask Kirsty to marry him? Peggy obviously has a grudge against Kirsty, as she tells Tom to seize the day and go for it.

Perhaps Tom should look at the Titcheners’ marriage as an example - Jess is really keen to live in Ambridge, but Rob tells her he’d rather live elsewhere. This all happens after Jennifer suggests that Jess and Rob throw a little ‘getting to know you’ party and Jess can leave the guest list to her. Of course, this being Jennifer, it means that everyone in Borsetshire is invited and Rob is unimpressed. This turns to real annoyance when Jess tells him that she has engaged Helen and Ambridge Organics to do the catering. Jess has noticed that there seems to be a bit of an atmosphere between her husband and Helen and puts this down to the latter’s dislike of intensive farming. Her party will, she hopes, help build bridges. Not likely, as Helen is already formulating excuses so that she cannot attend the party.

You will be delighted to know, or maybe you’re past caring, that Darrell was taken to hospital after his overdose and there are fears that he’s damaged his liver; presumably from alcohol, rather than the pain killers. As if he hasn’t suffered enough, Shula goes to see him in hospital and she is joined by Rosa, who eventually decides that she can’t face seeing her Dad in the state he is. She also says that he’s done this deliberately and it’s some sort of revenge. Rather twisted logic there, methinks.

Shula is pleased that Darrell will be seen by a psychiatrist and given the best of medical care. In practice, this means anti-depressants and a ‘pull yourself together’ approach. Darrell reacts by discharging himself, which was just as well, really, as Alistair and Daniel told Shula in no uncertain terms that there was no way that Darrell was coming back to The Stables.

At the end of the week, Jim and Jill are out shopping, with Jim doing a fair Ebenezer Scrooge impression, especially when Jill reads off her present-buying list. But wait! Who’s that singing along drunkenly with the carols? Yes, you’ve guessed it. Jim sees Darrell pocket a purse without paying and confronts him. Darrell denies it and, when accused of being drunk, admits to having had a couple ‘to keep out the cold’. He moves away from Jim and we hear Darrell being confronted by either a security person or a copper. Jim expresses sympathy, but Jill is in her ‘and throw away the key’ mood and tells Jim that Darrell has come within a whisker “of damaging my daughter, your son and our grandson”. Old flinty-heart advises Jim to leave Darrell alone, presumably after knocking him down and giving him a good kicking. I really don’t know what’s going to happen with Darrell, but things aren’t looking good. Whatever it is that’s going to happen, I hope it happens soon, as the whole Darrell story is starting to drag somewhat.

As we approach the Festive Season, the feud between the Grundy brothers deepens. They both turn up on turkey-killing day and the atmosphere between them is of barely-veiled hostility, with Will telling Ed that George hates him (Ed). Clarrie demonstrates a truly amazing capacity for self-delusion when she says “Bless you both for agreeing to help. We’re gonna have a lovely day together.” Towards the end of the day, when the two brothers are within an ace of coming to blows, Clarrie comes in and says how pleased she is that they have put their differences behind them and she invites them for Christmas. Those rose-tinted spectacles really suit you, Clarrie.

The Feathers Will Fly

Philip Molloy (Will Grundy)

We had Clarrie going on, and on, and on about how this will be yet another Christmas trying to avoid a confrontation between her sons. Ed agreed to help slaughter and pluck the turkeys as long as Will wasn't there, which was OK, as Will had said that there's no way he was going to do it.

Enter Caroline, performing her godmothering duties by trying to make Will see that he's behaving like an unreasonable, whining lump of misery (Will's default mode, if we're honest) and it's hurting both George and Clarrie. Will has a change of heart (prompted perhaps by the thought of being written out of Caroline's will) and rings Joe to tell him that he'll be there to help. So, it looks like Clarrie was wrong and there will be no avoiding a confrontation, as if both Grundy boys turn up on the day, a confrontation will be a nailed-on certainty. Just keep sharp objects out of their reach.

I said that we had Clarrie going on and on and it seems that the women of Ambridge just do not know when to keep their mouths shut. Take Shula – Daniel decides to go and stay with a friend in Leeds and, as he is off to the station, she gives him a lecture about how he should feel some sympathy with Darrell and it all escalates into a full-blown row. If she'd just waved Daniel goodbye and kept quiet, it would have been so much easier.

Later on in the week, Shula's own sympathy for Darrell is tested and found wanting, although to be honest, his behaviour would try the patience of a saint. First of all she drives him to sign on and practically has to drag him out of bed. Then she and Alistair have a row, because she is washing Darrell's bedclothes and on Thursday, Shula finally snaps. Having made Darrell get up in the afternoon, she has cooked a chicken casserole and gets testy when Darrell doesn't eat much. Testiness turns to anger when he drops the dishes on the floor (sorry Alistair, no dinner for you) and she realises he has been drinking ("Just a quick swig to make me feel better"). Wrong answer, Darrell! Shula finally loses it and tells him that Daniel has gone because he can't stand Darrell and to "get a grip and do something about it – I'm not prepared to look after you for much longer." So much for sympathy.

And Darrell does indeed get a grip – sadly the grip is on a pint glass in The Bull, where Neil finds a drunken Darrell wallowing in self pity. Things get worse when Darrell's daughter Rosa turns up with Jamie and Darrell drunkenly implores her to talk to him, knocking over a table in the process. Just to make Darrell's day complete, she tells him that he disgusts her and "As far as I'm concerned, you're not my dad any more." Probably no point expecting a Christmas card this year then Darrell. Jamie calls Darrell a waster and Neil tells him sharply to watch his mouth and "When you grow up you'll know better." Sorry Neil – and call me unsympathetic if you must – but I suggest that, if Darrell isn't actually a waster, then he'd be a bloody good substitute if you needed one in a hurry.

Neil takes Darrell back to The Stables and, on Friday, we hear Shula and Alistair talking. Shula thinks it's time she woke Darrell up, while Alistair goes to the bathroom for a shower. Shula finds that Darrell is gone, while Alistair finds that their stock of paracetamol has also vanished. Could there be a connection? Too right and a manhunt begins. To cut a long story short, an unconscious Darrell is found in front of No. 3, The Green; the house he used to share with Elona. The week ends with Shula beating herself up and saying how it's down to her because she shouted at him and "If Darrell dies it will be all my fault." Actually, all this could have been avoided – if they had kept the paracetamol in a child-proof container, Darrell would probably have been unable to open it.

It's decision time at Grey Gables for the Deputy Manager's job. Who should get it – Kathy (capable, safe pair of hands) or Anton (good experience, reminds Oliver of Roy but worries Caroline because he never seems to stay anywhere very long)? Kathy gets the nod and she hands in her notice at work after only two weeks – even Anton stayed at places longer than a fortnight.

Elsewhere, there is a crisis at the rehearsals for the Christmas extravaganza as there is still a definite lack of spark between Rob and Kirsty. Lynda tries some half-baked amateur psychology, which is frankly embarrassing and, when Lynda is dragged away by Alistair, who is looking for Darrell, Kirsty and Rob have words. She tells him he makes her skin crawl and she'd walk off the stage now, but she feels loyalty to Lynda. Rob says they cannot go on like this and, when Lynda comes back, he tells her that he is having to pull out of the production. Lynda is appalled and begs Kirsty to talk him out of it. Hmm, unlikely.

This leaves the whole production in jeopardy, but Kirsty has an idea and rings Tom to try and talk him into it. He's not keen (one of the few occasions that I find myself agreeing with him) and points out that he's rather busy at this time of year. Lynda begs him ("You'd be my absolute saviour") and Kirsty tries again, but Tom interrupts her, saying "there are blue flashing lights outside" and puts the phone down – I don't know, he's always got an excuse.