Tomorrow The World!

Tamsin Greig (Debbie Aldridge)

Debbie breezed in from Hungary and promptly told Brian of her plans for world domination – or at least Borsetshire dairy domination. While they are talking, Tony joins them and bemoans his fate, telling them that the whole dairy business has gone belly up and how wise Brian is to be in arable. Brian and Debbie decide that this isn't the time to tell Tony that they have been talking about a herd of 1,000+ cows – neither do they tell Adam.

Meanwhile, Tom is doing his "Lord Sugar meets Richard Branson" impression, telling Helen that if anyone can salvage anything from the mess that is Bridge Farm, it will be him and her. He then demonstrated loyalty and soilidarity by telling Pat and Tony that he's going to re-brand his products as 'Tom Archer' and ditch the Bridge Farm name. And all because he'd just lost his best customer.

Tom's decision goes down like a pair of lead knickers with Pat and Tony and, while Tom doesn't actually call his father a miserable failure, it was close. As it is, Pat has a stiff word with Tom, telling him that Tony is in bits and, if Tom talks to him like that again, she'll rip his goolies off (or similar).

Elizabeth and Shula talk about how Freddie wants to go hunting and, when Lizzie watched him at the gallop and he looked over his shoulder, it reminded her of Nigel. Aargh! Still, there might be a solution, as Lizzie asked Shula to keep an eye on Freddie and says "will you take him out?" Super idea! Although I think she meant it in a different way from me.

The drama of the week of course was Clarrie going awol. Clarrie had put a card in the shop window, offering herself for cleaning, ironing, child minding, etc. Clarrie was checking to see if it was still there (she'd had no takers) when Vicky (she with the gob like the Mersey tunnel) repeated Derek Fletcher's comment that "who'd want that dirty woman doing your ironing or looking after your children?" without realising that Clarrie was listening. Poor Clarrie promptly fled in shame and didn't go home that night.

The rest of the Grundy family were really worried (mainly, one suspects, because she hadn't done anything for supper) and a frantic search ensued. Tuesday's episode ended with Clarrie still missing and Eddie and Joe still unfed.

The following day, Vicky comes to apologise and is distraught to learn from Joe that Clarrie isn't there. "It might be partly my fault" she says. Partly? About 95% I'd say. Edward is all for going and sorting Derek Fletcher out, but Joe dissuades him.

While the Grundys are out searching, Edward suggests going to look at the old quarry. Where did that come from? Oddly convenient that we have a missing person and suddenly a potentially lethal quarry. I mean, why not go the whole hog and suggest that they take a look at the foaming cataract and enormous waterfall in a hitherto-unmentioned stretch of the Am? Or how about the nearby volcano that everybody thought was extinct? Anyway, she wasn't there and, later on, Clarrie rings in to say that she was at her sister Rosie's. She had tried to get to Yarmouth, which indicates desperation.

Eddie goes to pick her up and she is still beating herself up for causing so much trouble. "I don't deserve you Eddie" she said. How very, very true. Everybody in the family treats Clarrie with kid gloves and, in a supreme moment of self-sacrifice, Edward goes to see Will and suggests that the two of them go and see their mother together, as it would mean a lot to her. Will underlines what a charmless, petty-minded nurk he is when he asks Edward "What are you getting out of this?" To his eternal credit, Edward doesn't smack his brother in the mouth and they go and see Clarrie.

Meanwhile, back at Bridge Farm. Pat has talked to Underwoods and they have agreed to give them more time to pay the £10,000. Poor Tony still hasn't had the chance to put the bite on Peggy for the money (she's still very worried about Jack possibly not going back to the Laurels). Every time he brings the conversation round to their current plight and drops hints like "it's the cash flow that is worrying us", Peggy doesn't bite and, to make matters worse, tells Tony that they have two great assets in their two children. This was before 'Mr Loyalty' Tom ditched the Bridge Farm name, or else I think Tony might have cried.

As it is, Joe Grundy gave him a hard time over Clarrie's disappearance, saying that it was the loss of the job that tipped her over the edge. Tony responded by saying that, the way things are going, no-one will have a job soon and Joe should know how hard it is to turn a failing farm round. Joe is another displaying a touching faith in Helen and Tom, saying that they'll turn it around in no time. He also made the point that, when the Grundys got into trouble, they were tenants, while Tony owns the land. What a great idea Tony – flog off the farm for megabucks (perhaps Brian would like it for his super-dairy herd) and treat yourself and Pat to a life of luxury. You can even give Helen and young Henry a few quid, but whatever you do, don't give that treacherous, whingeing turncoat Tom a single penny.

Departure Time

Lucy Morris (Phoebe Aldridge)

Lots of 'goodbyes' this week. First of all we had Ruairi being hauled off to boarding school. Brian was very bullish, saying what wonderful opportunities there were for extra-curricular activities and how much Ruairi would love it there. Jennifer is unconvinced and, when Ruairi (who had purposely left his cuddly toy Mousey at home) saw that other boys had brought teddies etc, she leaps into the car and drives Mousey down to him. Let go, woman! You can't turn up every time his nose needs blowing – how will you react when the older boys start using him for after-school recreation?

If, like me, you have been crossing off the days on the calendar, you will have been ecstatic as this was the week that Phoebe went off to South Africa. First of all we had doubts, with Phoebe saying to Jennifer (about school) "What if nobody likes me?" What does she mean "if"? Jennifer reassures her and says that everyone at home will be sad to see Phoebe go, but they have lots to keep them occupied. Like cracking open the champers, perhaps? Don't worry Phoebe – if you get homesick and start crying, no doubt Jennifer will be on the first plane to Joburg, tissue in hand. It worries me that Jennifer is going to have too much time on her hands – I hope she doesn't start getting more lines.

Phoebe then had to be dissuaded from trying to take every item of clothing in her wardrobe and most of the fixtures and fittings from home. She still strongly resembled the Michelin man as she said goodbye at the airport and there was a tearful farewell with Roy and Hayley. "Don't take any stupid risks" Roy told her. Why? What is she going to do in South Africa? Hang-glide off Table Mountain? Venture into a big game park, armed only with a rolled-up newspaper? When she has gone through to airside, Roy breaks down and weeps – I must admit, I damn nearly became hysterical myself.

The Pargetter children started secondary school and, once again, there was uncertainty, with Freddie wondering whether everybody else will be a brainbox, like Lily, and he'll be the only thicko in the class. "I'm not a super boffin" he said. Of course not Freddie – you're Nigel's son after all. I can only assume that Lily was fathered by someone else.

Bad news for Harry, as Zofia's attempt to stay in England for a few more weeks, helping to clear up the polytunnels, ends in failure. Harry is despondent and, drinking down the pub with Eddie, Will, Jim and Jazzer, he tells them that he will just have to save up to visit her in Poland. Jazzer comforts him by saying there'll be another one along in a minute. Harry, if you only have a couple of weeks left with Zofia, what the hell are you doing down the pub with a crowd of misfits? For God's sake, grab her, whisk her back to the flat and put the bolts across so Jazzer can't get in.

I thought there was going to be a more permanent 'goodbye' when Tony turned up at Peggy's, to learn that Jack had had a stroke at The Laurels. Tony drove her to hospital, where Jack is on a drip (or a 'Freddie Pargetter' as it's known in some circles). Fortunately, the stroke was comparatively mild, but Peggy feels this is the start of a downhill journey and what will happen if he has another one – will The Laurels accept him back? Sounds like a job for Elona to me.

The reason that Tony went to Peggy's in the first place was that he and Pat had been looking at the Bridge Farm accounts and realised that they can't go on like they are. The only solution was to go and see Mum with the begging bowl, but Jack's situation weed on that particular bonfire. Mind you, Tony is so insensitive that I'm amazed that, when sitting round Jack's bed, he didn't say to Peggy "now we're alone and quiet, I'd like to ask you something…"

The Bridge Farm disaster continues unabated. Brenda suggests getting a journalist friend of hers at Borsetshire Life to do a feature on Bridge Farm. When Tom tells Pat that, of course the magazine would need an angle and so would have to mention the e.coli, she goes spare and dismisses it out of hand. Later on in the week, Pat breaks down and starts ranting that she won't just give up, even though the words "Bridge Farm" have become synonymous with "Plague Farm".

Finally, every so often, I imagine the following scenario taking place; all the writers, editor and agricultural advisor are at a meeting and someone says "we shouldn't forget that The Archers is an everyday story of country folk and not just a soap opera." Everybody nods wisely and the writers go away and dream up some scene which majors on farming matters.

Obviously just such a meeting had taken place before last week, as we had Pip banging on about different feeding strategies and telling David that they should be examining their milk contracts. Later on, she and Ruth were helping a cow to calve and Pip was doing a great job, telling Ruth things that she already knew, as Ruth gently reminded her.

Even more tedious for we non-farming listeners was the Wednesday episode, when David, Ruth, Pip and Spencer were at an agricultural show. David and Ruth had a long discussion about the benefits of various breeds of cattle (apparently the Brown Swiss is mega-good) while arable farmer Spencer was having orgasms, looking at an automated milking parlour. He and Pip have just booked a holiday in Dubrovnik – sounds like it's coming just in the nick of time. 

Man the Barricades!

Roger May (James Bellamy)

Why? To keep James and Leonie out of Ambridge, of course. God! They've only been in a few episodes and I loathe them both already – they have edged ahead of Will in the 'character that I'd most like to slap' stakes and that's no mean feat, believe me.

Prancing around the gardens of Ambridge with their new camera (bought for James by Ma), saying they are on 'official business' and collecting information for their book, while demonstrating a total lack of knowledge about every aspect of rural life, it's not just me that's getting annoyed, as Jim and Bert complain to Lynda. Even she can see that J&L are getting on peoples' tits and, when Jim and Bert say that they hope this isn't going to be a regular occurrence, Lynda says she is afraid it will be. Ha! She's afraid!

All I can say is that it bloody well better not be – if I hear James refer to Lilian as "Ma" one more time, I'll swing for him. After all, we finally got rid of Nigel and his talk of "Mummy" and now we have this jerk.   Matt doesn't share Lilian's enthusiasm and, when she remarks that he could have toured the open gardens with her, Lynda, James and Leonie, he replies "there's only so much excitement a man can take", although sarcasm is wasted on Lilian.

Perhaps Matt is feeling a bit annoyed because Lilian overruled his doubts about Peggy's plans to install Elona as the new tenant at No. 3 The Green. "I'm the MD of AmSide and that's my decision", said rank-puller Lilian. As it turned out, it was academic, as Elona still says she cannot accept. Eventually she reveals that her husband has been in prison for a year for receiving stolen goods and she feels ashamed.

So what? He'll fit right in. Blimey, one of the village shop volunteers has done time and even the landlord himself of No. 3 was banged up not so long ago, so what's the worry?

Caped Crusader Will finds out that Josh is still trapping crayfish and confronts him. Josh explains that he's not trapping them on Estate land, but Will reminds him that he still needs a licence and goes to the pub specially to warn Jolene. Jolene tells Kenton and he and Kirsty have a quiet word with Josh, telling him that it has to stop. So, that's crayfish off the new, revamped menu and Josh's nice little earner nipped in the bud. Tell you what Josh, why not suggest to Kenton that pheasant is added to the menu – I know where there's a handy supply.

The metamorphosis of Harry from anal retentive to laid-back slob continues apace, much to the distress of Jazzer. Harry is preparing a CD for Zofia at 2am and, when Jazzer complains, Harry says that it doesn't matter because he hasn't got to get up early. Whatever happened to super-considerate Harry? Jazzer tells Pip and Spencer that he doesn't recognise Harry any more, plus he goes into too much detail about how Harry and Zofia keep him awake – and we're not talking about playing records here.

Roy, like the rest of us, is counting down the days till Phoebe departs for her year in South Africa; the difference is that, in his case, he feels sad. Dad Mike says that letting her go is the right thing to do; a sentiment echoed by millions of us yelling "too bloody right!" at the radio. On the subject of departures, Ruari is being carted round the village, saying 'goodbye' to all and sundry before he's packed off to boarding school.

The ongoing car crash that is Bridge Farm continues on its downward spiral. Tom and Brenda are persisting with their attempts to bury the bad news on search engines by flagging up good news stories ("Good news for Bridge Farm, as another day passes with no children taken to hospital") and by repeatedly going on to the site to build up the number of hits.

This latter proves to be a waste of time, when Pip mentions to Tom that, if he doesn't delete his history every time, then it won't register as separate hits. Tom pretends he knew this, but he didn't really and starts banging his head against the wall.

Kathy takes Pat out for lunch at The Bull (in fact, Kathy had probably the very last crayfish salad) while Pat lived dangerously by having the ploughman's, complete with Borsetshire Blue cheese. Kathy wants to talk about Clarrie but Pat shuts her up.

Earlier, Pat told Tom that things are so bad that, when the ice cream etc in the village shop gets to its sell-by date, the volunteers can take it home for nothing (remember the Joe Grundy scam over biscuits?). However, they can't even give Bridge Farm products away. Tom goes in to deliver a bit of education and comes out totally dispirited when it transpires that Neville Booth brings in his own disposable gloves so that he doesn't have to touch the vegetables. Back at the farm, Pat tells Tony that Tom and Brenda think they are on to something with the website, but Tony isn't happy: "How long will that take?" he asks, despondently, then reveals a cruel propensity to punish innocent vegetables as he walks out, saying "I'm off to flail the spuds." What have they done?

Foot In Mouth

Charlotte Martin (Susan Carter)

The Carters and the Aldridges got together to celebrate the fact that Chris will be able to buy the farrier business. Brian moaned that people kept asking him about foot and mouth, following the story in The Echo and it was annoying him. Cue Susan Carter, who comes in and promptly asks him about it. Not so much foot and mouth as foot in mouth.

Susan demonstrates that she has a talent for this kind of thing when Jennifer gets all sniffy with Alice about her buying food at a low cost supermarket. Susan comes in on the end of the conversation and congratulates Jennifer on her perspicacity in shopping at a cheapie supermarket, saying "We all have to watch the pennies, don't we?" Jennifer is stuck for an answer, as she probably doesn't know what a penny is.

The woman really is a snob and moans to Brian about Alice and Chris putting up the cottage as collateral for the loan. Brian applauds the two youngsters for trying to go it alone and he tells Jennifer that he'd never let them lose the cottage if the worst happened. God knows I don't like to encourage stories about pregnancies, but I hope Alice gets pregnant soon, as Jennifer will probably die of shame. And serve her right.

Someone else who got their comeuppance was Brenda. Pip came along and gave her the benefit of her marketing knowledge and despite not very subtle hints from Brenda ("I know most of this stuff") Pip drones on. And on. Tom and Brenda have been revamping the Bridge Farm website and are feeling quite pleased with themselves. However, Pat, who has had a trying day, with the Environmental Health making a surprise visit and Susan dropping stuff all over the place, finally snaps and yells "this business is losing money and all you're doing is tinkering with the website!" before storming out. Brenda is distraught and Tom comforts her, saying "we couldn't do any of this without you". Any of what exactly? Losing money? Infecting customers?

There's good news and bad news for Bridge Farm. Good news: Environmental Health are not going to prosecute. Bad News: Underwoods are charging them £10,000 towards the cost of the product recall. "We'll find the money somehow" says Tony, in uncharacteristically optimistic mood. More bad news: the families suffering from e.coli are suing Bridge Farm.

There has also been bad news for Clarrie (and thank you to my friend Karen, who suggested the title "Dirty Clarrie" for an episode of this blog – if only it had been three weeks earlier!) when it is confirmed that she was almost definitely the source of the e.coli. The next day, Clarrie mentions to William that Pat isn't going to be prosecuted and he has obviously caught Tony's optimism bug when he says that at this rate it might not be too long before Pat gives Clarrie her job back. Not while Tom still has his strength, I suspect.

Tom is still manfully trying to drum up sales by cold calling. Brenda has recovered her confidence and tells him to "avoid discounting – it smacks of desperation." Er, hello? Bridge Farm is on its knees and the sign marked 'desperation' is quickly receding in the rear view mirror. Tom is pleased with some of the reactions he's getting until Pat tells him that a deli owner Googled Bridge farm (other search engines are available) and it came up with "e.coli kings" or "poisons customers" or similar and the man wasn't impressed that Tom 'forgot' to mention the episode. Well, these things can slip your mind, can't they? Pat is even more despairing, saying "no matter how far afield we go, it isn't going to work."

Another person worried about infection is Emma, who tells Nic not to let Mia near Keira while she (Mia) has a cold. Nic mentions it to Will while they are flying kites on Lakey Hill (sadly no electrical storms about). He's all for sorting her out but Nic says "no". She also mentions how good Clarrie is with Keira. Ha! And Emma was worried about picking up an infection from Mia!

Daniel got his GCSE results – something like three Xs and a Z. Hey, never mind; this is Ambridge and the sixth form College will still take him, even though he apparently couldn't rearrange the words "off" and "sod" if you chalked them on a blackboard for him.

I'm worried about Harry – he's exhibiting signs of becoming as laid back as the new, improved Helen. For example, after Jazzer has cooked Sunday lunch, Harry is about to get stuck into the dishes when Zofia rings. He gets ready to go. "What about the dishes?" asks Jazzer. "Just leave them – I'll do them later". What a change!

Harry, Zofia and Jazzer (three's a crowd, Jazzer, but Harry doesn't seem to mind) walk to a gig at a pub in Pennyhasset. Except it isn't a gig, but a karaoke night and Harry has put his and Jazzer's name down to do "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls. Instead of smacking him, Jazzer goes along with it, then said he's getting a taxi into Borsetshire, so perhaps there was method in Harry's madness. Certainly Zofia likes him, calling him "such a great guy". She also says "This is the most fun I've had in a long time", which presumably explains why she came to England…

Pip Makes The Grade(s)

Helen Monks (Pip Archer)

Have you noticed that Ambridge appears to be awash with marketing experts all of a sudden? Early in the week we had Tom and Helen wondering how they could revive the failing Bridge Farm brand. Tom still hasn't got over his disappointment at not being allowed to roast Clarrie over an open fire, having first of all tortured her on the Rack and cut out her heart, but he says he'll think of something.

Anyway, Tom spends the day on the tractor, baling, and, by lunchtime, he has formulated a brand new marketing strategy, which he runs past Helen. The solution? Sell the products further away, where news of the e.coli hasn't yet reached. What a master stroke! No doubt the offer of a scholarship at Harvard Business School is in the post.

Our second marketing expert is Pip, who is ecstatic at having got the B and two Cs she needed to get into Felpersham uni. One B and two Cs? I thought that in the current climate students need at least six A* grades, not to mention a personal fortune. No sooner has Pip learned that she has passed than she is on the phone to Helen, giving her the benefit of her marketing experience (ie none) of using the Internet and social networking. It's Helen's own fault for telling Pip that Adam said she had a great head for business. If that's true, why did Adam totally disagree with her proposals on how to market the lamb?

A market of a different sort proved a problem for Brian, when work on the new market project was halted after the discovery of some bones. Brian started off slightly annoyed, then was getting really worked up when no archaeologist was immediately available to come out to the site. Jennifer takes her life in her hands when she tells Brian that the remains could be Roman and "isn't it exciting?" His answer was along the lines of "no it bloody well isn't" and he became just this side of incandescent with rage when the bones turned out to be animal remains but work on the site still cannot resume as they need to be disposed of properly.

At the Board meeting, Brian lays into Annabelle, reminding her that she voted against him in accepting the early finish date and that the delays could mean they incur costly penalties. Apparently, according to Brian, this is more than just a one-off project; it's his legacy and a chance to leave something behind. Something other than children, then?

Nic took another few steps along the path to sainthood when she gives up her afternoon off to accompany Eddie and William on a leaflet drop to drum up some landscape work. Eddie is chuffed to bits when a woman asks him to cut her grass – not exactly Capability Brown, is it?

Nic and William are having some time off and we were treated to a long list of the attractions available at Lower Loxley. Why? It's not as if we can go there, so do we really need to know in such detail? Later on in the week, Nic suggests taking Clarrie with them when they go on a railway day out. Clarrie tells William that Nic is a treasure, prompting listeners to yell at the radio "So what's she doing living with him?"

Pat and Tony face an uncomfortable interview by the Environmental Health people and their woes are multiplied as more customers shun their products. Shula tells them that Mollie, the girl in hospital with e.coli, has developed a kidney problem. The way things are going, Tom's distance marketing strategy will mean shipping ice cream to Venezuela.

Good news for Chris and Alice – he can have his £40,000 loan to buy Ronnie's business as long as they put Alice's house up as security. Let's hope that all goes well, although judging from recent storylines, I wouldn't be surprised if the farrier trade was wiped out by an epidemic of equine flu, probably caused by Clarrie feeding horses Bridge Farm ice cream while feeling a bit under the weather.

Peggy learns some disturbing news when Elona tells her that she will have to leave The Laurels, as her daughters want a bedroom each and she cannot afford a bigger flat, so she'll have to move away to somewhere cheaper (like back to Eastern Europe?). Peggy confides her fears to Ted while they are making an enamelled dragonfly brooch to celebrate Pip's A-level results. This shows great faith in Pip, as it was the day before the results were released.

Peggy isn't just worried because of the great relationship that Elona has with Jack, but she (Peg) was also hoping that Elona would be able to help her out with jobs like shopping and the laundry "so that I can keep my independence". I would submit that, if you've got someone running round the shops for you and doing the washing, then you have already lost your independence, but surely we aren't seeing the last of Elona? No doubt some cunning solution will be found at the last minute, enabling jack to be looked after by his favourite carer and allowing Peggy to spend even more time in Ted's enamelling workshop.

A Bit of a Damp Squib

Jasmine Hyde (Leonie Snell)

Sunday arrived and we all held our breath – what would be James and Leonie's big announcement? Lilian had brought along a couple of bottles of bubbly in anticipation and had also dragged along an exceedingly reluctant Matt, who could no doubt think of many better things to do on his birthday.

The announcement was to be made at the Snells' party to celebrate 25 years in Ambridge and, when it came, everybody was stunned. Not by the enormity of it, but by the sheer banality. While Lilian, Lynda et al were expecting news of babies and weddings, James and Leonie revealed that they were going to write a book, along the lines of 'Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady', about a year in the life of a country village. The rather twee (to the point of sick-making) title is to be "A Little Bit of Heaven".

Apparently this is a real money maker of an idea and James and Leonie pointed out that the added advantage would be that they would be around Ambridge so much more often. Sorry? Advantage, did you say? This bombshell (not) news was greeted with the sound of one hand clapping and Leonie was distraught at the general show of indifference.

To save the day, Lynda suggested that they all meet the next day to talk over the idea. James explained that it was a wonderful investment opportunity and, of course, they would need a top of the range digital SLR camera for the photos (and no doubt a suite of offices in Dubai). Robert asked whether they had considered getting permission from those whose homes they would be photographing. "Details, details" said Leonie dismissively – more like "lawsuits, lawsuits". "I'll tell Matt" said Lilian (like he's going to be interested) and she stalled by saying she'll make a modest investment further down the line. "Not too modest, Ma and not too far down the line!" says a jovial James. Honestly, don't you just want to kick him! And Leonie, thinking about it.

Will tracks down the crayfish poacher, who turns out to be Josh, and who was on a nice little earner, selling them to Kenton for £5 a lb. Will puts on his stern voice and says didn't Josh know that he needed the landowner's permission (no) or that he needed a licence? (no). Give the kid a break, Will, you miserable sod – you could take a cut and give the money to Clarrie, who needs it. Instead he tells Josh to clear off and don't do it again.

Clarrie is still moping around and really needs a job now she has resigned from the dairy. Pat tells Tom that she'd take Clarrie back tomorrow if there was the work, but Tom is still in vindictive mood and, if he had his way, Clarrie would be featuring in the next batch of Tom Archer sausages. Pat reminds him that Clarrie must have picked up the infection from somewhere – I really, really hope that it turns out to be from one of Tom's burgers or hot dogs; please God.

Will gives Clarrie some money to be going on with and says that Brian has said that he can offer Eddie some casual work on the estate. Not only that, but Joe has had an idea – if Clarrie helps out at the car boot sales, that will free up Eddie to do more gardening work or sell more flatulent gnomes. "That's so thoughtful of Joe" says Clarrie. No it isn't – thoughtful would be if he topped himself so that they can inherit, although on second thoughts, Joe's estate isn't likely to run to more than enough to buy a tub of Bridge Farm ice cream.

And there's plenty of ice cream to buy (oh, these seamless links!) as nobody is taking a chance and it's sitting on the shelves in the shop and Ambridge Organics. Pat and Tony's cup of woe overflows still further when The Echo learns that a couple of e.coli victims are going to sue and the Buyer at Underwoods is quoted as saying that the public has lost faith in the Bridge Farm brand. Why not call it something else? "Not e.coli" sounds like a winner. The final straw comes when the Environmental Health say that they might be starting proceedings against Bridge Farm. Pat and Tony will know on Tuesday, when the EH has summoned them for an interview.

Pip is getting more and more nervous as results day approaches. She eventually gets to talk to Adam about her ideas to market Hasset Hills lamb and is upset when he says that he agrees with David that staying in the co-operative is a good idea. However, he suggests that some things need changing and why doesn't Pip work from inside the co-op to change it? The idea of being a fifth-column mole appeals to Pip and she cheers up.

Jim is getting his feet worryingly close to being under Christine's table as he helps her replace a fence panel (persuading her to buy half the Garden Centre in the process). Christine invites him to tea. Thin end of the wedge, I reckon.

Finally, an 'if only' moment: Shula goes to see Pat to proffer sympathy and Pat makes her a cuppa, saying: "help yourself to milk". I would have given a large sum to hear Shula reply "Er, I'd rather not, if you don't mind, Auntie Pat…"

Are The Cows Doomed?

Dairy Cows (Daisy & Buttercup)

I fear for the future of Brookfield's bovines – not only has Josh suddenly turned from stay-abed teenager to keen young stockman, getting up early to help mum with the milking, but we had Ruth banging on about how much she loves the cows (don't go there) and how there has always been a dairy herd at Brookfield.

As well as Ruth waxing nostalgic about her days as a student at Brookfield, Josh asks David "we won't ever have to get rid of the cows, will we?" David reassures him, then starts to worry because both Pip and now Josh have taken an interest in farming "and how will the farm support three families?" he asks Ruth. Talk about planning ahead! Cheer up David – Josh is still at school and you might be dead by the time he finishes his education.

With all this love for the cows flying about, I am afraid that we are being softened up for another tragedy at Brookfield and the cows will soon be toast – or rather burgers. Remember, if it happens, you read it here first.

The question is how will it happen? Foot and mouth? A deranged gunman with a phobia of cattle? Jude returns and wreaks a terrible revenge? Alternatively, perhaps Clarrie will come round and give the cows a big, sloppy kiss.

Let's face it, Clarrie will have plenty of time on her hands now that she has done the decent thing and fallen on her sword (no doubt carefully placed there by Tom). Poor Clarrie sounds so miserable – moping about the poor kiddies in hospital. Eddie tries not to bang her head on the table when she tells him she's resigned and instead tells her (rather unconvincingly) "We've been through hard times before; we'll just have to work that bit harder. We'll survive somehow." I suspect we will see a fresh wave of farting gnomes being offered for sale.

Amid the doom, gloom and despondency, there is a happy note, as Ronnie accepts Chris's offer to rent rather than buy his premises. Chris is delighted – he had anticipated being a farrier working from a van. Alice helps him celebrate.

Celebrations too at Rhys's party (what, you mean you didn't go? Everyone else did). Harry, however can think of better things to do than playing First Jack Up (or maybe the name of the drinking game gave him ideas) as he whisks Zofia back to the flat for a party of their own. It's all too much for Jazzer, who tells Fallon that he had to go to sleep wearing his earphones the other night (yet another thing that Harry is good at, obviously) and he asks Rhys if he can kip on his couch. Jazzer is totally pissed (I suspect he kept palming the fourth Jack) but he still notices Fallon's pained expression when he speaks of Harry's sexual athleticism and she admits she is carrying a torch for him, but says it's too late. Don't you believe it Fallon – when Harry has worn Zofia out, he'll be looking for a replacement.

Much speculation in the Lilian/Tiger household when James and Leone hint that there will be a major announcement at Lynda's party. James puts pressure on Ma (and don't you hate it when he calls her that?) to ditch the BBQ that Matt wants to go to in favour of the Snells' do. What will the announcement be? A baby? A marriage? Lilian is all a-flutter and tells Matt that they are going and that's that. No doubt Matt is thinking fondly of his days in chokey.

Pat has had a bad week – as well as losing customers hand over fist, she went on the radio and came across as a bit cold hearted (due in no small measure to skilful editing). Can the Bridge Farm brand survive? Lynda does her bit by ordering the cream for her party from Pat. Wouldn't it be great if everyone at the party went down with e.coli? Then it really would be 'goodnight Bridge Farm'.

A new mystery is hatching, as Will, Nic and family are picnicking by the Am and the children are playing in the river. Suddenly, an ear-piercing scheme rends the air – has Jake fallen over a weir? Has George been eaten by a crocodile? No – Mia found a crayfish in a pot.

This brings out the gamekeeper in Will, as he describes the pot as amateurish and gives Nic a lecture on how it's illegal to trap and sell crayfish (he suspects that he has tracked down the source of Kenton's crayfish dishes on the Bull menu). "It's not a native one" he says, by which he presumably means it comes from Felpersham. This puts him in a dilemma – you shouldn't put them back if they are an alien species. What to do? Eat the bloody thing man! If Nic can't cook it, give it to Kenton.

We end by quoting Will. He was speaking about events at the dairy, but it could have been a summing up of his life when he tells Nic "I haven't got a clue what's going on." How very, very true.