Man the Barricades!

Roger May (James Bellamy)

Why? To keep James and Leonie out of Ambridge, of course. God! They've only been in a few episodes and I loathe them both already – they have edged ahead of Will in the 'character that I'd most like to slap' stakes and that's no mean feat, believe me.

Prancing around the gardens of Ambridge with their new camera (bought for James by Ma), saying they are on 'official business' and collecting information for their book, while demonstrating a total lack of knowledge about every aspect of rural life, it's not just me that's getting annoyed, as Jim and Bert complain to Lynda. Even she can see that J&L are getting on peoples' tits and, when Jim and Bert say that they hope this isn't going to be a regular occurrence, Lynda says she is afraid it will be. Ha! She's afraid!

All I can say is that it bloody well better not be – if I hear James refer to Lilian as "Ma" one more time, I'll swing for him. After all, we finally got rid of Nigel and his talk of "Mummy" and now we have this jerk.   Matt doesn't share Lilian's enthusiasm and, when she remarks that he could have toured the open gardens with her, Lynda, James and Leonie, he replies "there's only so much excitement a man can take", although sarcasm is wasted on Lilian.

Perhaps Matt is feeling a bit annoyed because Lilian overruled his doubts about Peggy's plans to install Elona as the new tenant at No. 3 The Green. "I'm the MD of AmSide and that's my decision", said rank-puller Lilian. As it turned out, it was academic, as Elona still says she cannot accept. Eventually she reveals that her husband has been in prison for a year for receiving stolen goods and she feels ashamed.

So what? He'll fit right in. Blimey, one of the village shop volunteers has done time and even the landlord himself of No. 3 was banged up not so long ago, so what's the worry?

Caped Crusader Will finds out that Josh is still trapping crayfish and confronts him. Josh explains that he's not trapping them on Estate land, but Will reminds him that he still needs a licence and goes to the pub specially to warn Jolene. Jolene tells Kenton and he and Kirsty have a quiet word with Josh, telling him that it has to stop. So, that's crayfish off the new, revamped menu and Josh's nice little earner nipped in the bud. Tell you what Josh, why not suggest to Kenton that pheasant is added to the menu – I know where there's a handy supply.

The metamorphosis of Harry from anal retentive to laid-back slob continues apace, much to the distress of Jazzer. Harry is preparing a CD for Zofia at 2am and, when Jazzer complains, Harry says that it doesn't matter because he hasn't got to get up early. Whatever happened to super-considerate Harry? Jazzer tells Pip and Spencer that he doesn't recognise Harry any more, plus he goes into too much detail about how Harry and Zofia keep him awake – and we're not talking about playing records here.

Roy, like the rest of us, is counting down the days till Phoebe departs for her year in South Africa; the difference is that, in his case, he feels sad. Dad Mike says that letting her go is the right thing to do; a sentiment echoed by millions of us yelling "too bloody right!" at the radio. On the subject of departures, Ruari is being carted round the village, saying 'goodbye' to all and sundry before he's packed off to boarding school.

The ongoing car crash that is Bridge Farm continues on its downward spiral. Tom and Brenda are persisting with their attempts to bury the bad news on search engines by flagging up good news stories ("Good news for Bridge Farm, as another day passes with no children taken to hospital") and by repeatedly going on to the site to build up the number of hits.

This latter proves to be a waste of time, when Pip mentions to Tom that, if he doesn't delete his history every time, then it won't register as separate hits. Tom pretends he knew this, but he didn't really and starts banging his head against the wall.

Kathy takes Pat out for lunch at The Bull (in fact, Kathy had probably the very last crayfish salad) while Pat lived dangerously by having the ploughman's, complete with Borsetshire Blue cheese. Kathy wants to talk about Clarrie but Pat shuts her up.

Earlier, Pat told Tom that things are so bad that, when the ice cream etc in the village shop gets to its sell-by date, the volunteers can take it home for nothing (remember the Joe Grundy scam over biscuits?). However, they can't even give Bridge Farm products away. Tom goes in to deliver a bit of education and comes out totally dispirited when it transpires that Neville Booth brings in his own disposable gloves so that he doesn't have to touch the vegetables. Back at the farm, Pat tells Tony that Tom and Brenda think they are on to something with the website, but Tony isn't happy: "How long will that take?" he asks, despondently, then reveals a cruel propensity to punish innocent vegetables as he walks out, saying "I'm off to flail the spuds." What have they done?