It's Kick Kenton Time!

Richard Attlee (Kenton Archer)

Poor old Kenton – it hasn't really been his week, has it? Fresh from his triumphal opening of Jaxx's, he is getting the cold shoulder from Kathy. Not only has he been sent to the doghouse, I wouldn't be surprised if she was making him sleep there.

The latest foot-in-gob moment from Mr. Considerate came when he revealed his plans for a treat for Kathy and Jamie, which was – wait for it – a trip to New Zealand at Christmas. Not only can Kenton catch up on seeing his daughter, but presumably Kathy and Jamie could amuse themselves by visiting Sid's grave and seeing how much the flowers have grown in the six months since they planted poor old Sid there.

Way to go Kenton! This storyline also led to the front runner for "most obvious truism of the week" when Kathy told Pat "Kenton is still not much help". Put that phrase on a loop of tape and play it instead of the theme tune. Pat's answer? For Kathy to go and visit Jaxx's so Kenton can see that she is really concerned about the efforts he has made. Sorry Pat, but you appear to be confusing Kathy with someone who gives a toss.

Then Kenton got an earful off David for allegedly encouraging Pip to swan off round the world (please God, make it the Solar System). Now here I must make a stand – I'm right behind Kenton on this one and I'd even drive Pip and Jude to the airport. When Ruth vetoed the idea of setting up an emergency account for Pip, on the grounds that "it might encourage her to go" I bet the BBC switchboards were jammed with people wanting to know how they could give. It took me an hour to get through.

Sadly, I can't help thinking that this trip is doomed to failure, as we keep getting Pip becoming increasingly intense and Jude backing away. Note how worried he was when he thought she was pregnant and how lukewarm, bordering on the slightly chilled, when she revealed that she had left college and could go all the way with him, so to speak.

Jude was also less than thrilled when invited round to Brookfield to discuss things like sensible adults, although I reckon it's going to be hard to talk with David gripping you warmly by the throat. When Pip said "it will show them how serious we are" you could hear Jude thinking "what does she mean 'We'?"

Going on the nastiness of the writers' recent track record, what's the betting that Pip will get to the airport and Jude will tell her to get lost? Watch this space.

And finally, a correction. I said last time that Alice and Chris were going on holiday to Somerset, whereas their destination is, in fact, San Francisco. Easy mistake to make. Good luck to them. Why not take a few friends along, such as Pip and Jude? Better still, hire a Greyhound bus and fill it with people from Ambridge (make your own list)? I know there's no such thing as an earthquake season, but if we were all to pray hard enough…  

Comings And Goings

Will Sanderson-Thwaite (Chris Carter)

Lots of planning of holidays in Ambridge last week, with Alice and Chris looking forward to a month away on a US-style road trip, but in Somerset. Going on past form, this will turn into a 30-day love-in and there must be doubts that one or both of them will not survive the strain.

Incidentally, did you hear Jennifer telling the weirdos from Rodways that "my daughter is going out with a lad from the village, but there's no future in it"? Ha! You wish, Jennifer! Alice doesn't appear to be looking for intellectual stimulation and seems quite happy with Chris's own brand of stimulation, thank you very much. The future's bright, the future's Carter.

When Pip went to see Jude and he told her that he was otherwise engaged in preparing his assignment, I thought "good, now she'll realise what a selfish git he is". After all, when Pip had work to do, it was all "do you have to do that now?" in that annoying, whining voice that Jude has (and doesn't he sound like a teenager, rather than someone approaching 30?), but when he is under the cosh, it's all "leave me alone, this will take ages." And what does she do? Instead of telling him to get stuffed, she cooks him breakfast (having first bought the food), to which his response is "any more bacon?" Then, having again been told to leave him alone, she offers to clean the kitchen. I'd have her round mine tomorrow, if she promised to keep her gob shut.

Still, it's an ill wind, as although they aren't splitting up, they are planning a long holiday away. At first, Jude didn't seem too keen on Pip accompanying him, but he's obviously realised that, when money gets short, he can send her out to work. Having both quit college (and what's a near-30-year-old doing at college anyway?) I hope they set off soon. Preferably to the Galapagos Islands. On foot.

Speaking of mature (ha!) students brings me, with heavy heart, to Kate's academic ambitions. Her telephone interview with the Admissions Officer went well and it's all looking horribly inevitable. Will it do any good if we all send letters to the AO (c/o the BBC) pointing out the downsides to Kate's character? Probably not, but if you should write on this subject, please try to keep your letters down to 8,000 words or 10 sheets of A4.

Finally this week we return to the subject of Brenda and her job. Having got rid of her from the airwaves for most of the week, bloody Matt Crawford tempts her back to work for Amside Properties (or, as seems the fashion nowadays, it's probably AmSide). The job description seems a tad ambivalent – to Brenda, it was "marketing, sales development, making contacts" and so on, while to Lillian it was "someone to do the photocopying, stapling and answering the phone". If I were Lillian, I might be tempted to remark that £19k p.a. of my money was rather a lot for an office drudge. I don't think she can even type, can she?

When Brenda got the job in faraway Leicester, there were celebrations by her and Tom. This time? I don't think so.

So Long Sid

Alan Devereux (Sid Perks) 

Well, poor Sid has left us. Talk about sudden – he didn't even get the dignity of having a tearful final few moments; one minute it's "Sid's so pleased to see Lucy again" and the next it's "We're having the funeral in New Zealand."

So it's farewell to Sid; Brummie ex-wild boy, set on the straight and narrow by Jack Woolley, then mine host and part owner of the pub, fitness fanatic, cricket lover and homophobe and the first person on the Archers to be recorded making love in the shower (and he wasn't even married to Jolene at the time!).

The burning question is "what happens now?" and I have this terrible fear that the scriptwriters, who have been giving full rein to their nasty, sadistic side recently, what with Helen's pregnancy and Kate's threat to return home to Ambridge, have got another vicious twist in store. Ladies and gentlemen, I tell you now that, if it should even look like Wayne were to end up at the Bull in any capacity whatsoever, then I personally will burn the bloody place down. Preferably with him in it.

Sid's funeral arrangements gave Kenton the chance to display his caring side and demonstrate his love and support for Kathy and Jamie – a chance which, to use a football metaphor, he blazed wide of an open goal. On the one hand he had the opportunity to go to New Zealand for Sid's funeral (and, incidentally, see the daughter who he hasn't seen for ages) and on the other, he had to be present for the grand opening of Jaxx's.

With the unerring instinct of someone whose past relationships have all ended in tears, Kenton told Kathy just how much of his life he has put into Jaxx's, how important it was to him and how much it meant to him to be there and welcome everyone when it opened. Just what your life partner wants to hear when she turns to you for support – nice one, Kenton.

I mean, for God's sake, it's a bar, not the Sistine Chapel ceiling. Serves him right if nobody turns up on opening night, although I suppose Jim will be there. That will bring them flocking in – especially if he starts declaiming Caesar's Gallic Wars in Latin.

I can't help thinking that Kenton has cocked this up big time and that noise you hear is his stockpile of brownie points (assuming he ever had any) quickly slipping away. What's the betting that, when Kathy returns, there will be a full and frank discussion? That's always assuming she can get him out of the bar, of course.

Happy Families (Not)

 

Michael Fenton Stevens (Paul Crawford)

We have to begin this week's blog with an apology to Lillian and Paul – a few weeks ago, I accused them of making the beast with two backs after the dinner dance, but it transpired that they resisted temptation, the fools. Of course, whether or not this state of affairs will continue, we wait to see. While Matt has given Paul the bum's rush in no uncertain terms, Lillian still seems keen on a threesome – I mean that in the platonic, all-one-cosy-family sense, of course. 

I can't see Matt welcoming Paul with open arms, unless he does something like drag him from a burning building, or give him lots of cash. After all, a good example of Matt's self-centredness was when he was first let out with the tag. There he was in the garden, saying to Lillian: "This is what I've been waiting for; a cigar, a brandy and you." Probably in that order, if truth be told. 

The writers have invested a lot of effort in developing the Paul storyline and I can't believe that he is just going to ride into the sunset and never be heard of again. Let's think – Matt and Lillian are going into the property restoration business. Who do we know who runs a restoration/reclamation business? The name is on the tip of my tongue – I think it begins with P…

Being a businessman first (and second, third, and fourth, probably) Matt will probably condescend to deal with Paul, if the price is right. Not only that, but as the man has more cheek than a chorus line of Sumo wrestlers, he'll probably demand a discount on account of being family.

I'm starting to get a tad cheesed off with the 'Jazzer hates Harry' storyline, plus the fact that Harry is being built up as such a likeable, generous, kind, all-round bloody good egg that you suspect that he is going to turn into a child molester, or start poisoning the milk, or something. Failing that, Jazzer might try and kill him, but then Harry will probably whup him with one hand tied behind his back, then forgive him, before moving on to heal the sick or turn water into wine.

Never mind Jazzer; you can always seek solace with your "wee lassies", for whom you keep expressing concern and affection. "But what about the smell and dirt?" I hear you ask, anxiously. That's OK – the pigs will just have to get used to it…

They Call Him Harry…

Michael Shelford (Harry)

Am I the only one to be struck by the similarities between the Jazzer/Harry storyline and the Benny Hill song "Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west"?

In the original, the romantic triangle was between Ernie, the widow Sue from 22 Liddley Lane and Two-Ton Ted, the baker. The Ambridge players are Jazzer, Fallon and Harry. It doesn't do to push the analogy too far – Fallon isn't a widow and she lives in a pub and both Jazzer and Harry are milkmen – but Harry is getting his cocoa (or, rather, his mineral water and Diet Coke) at Fallon's regularly. At least until the single wicket competition, that is – it will be interesting to see if she turfs him out afterwards and, if she doesn't, will Jazzer turn teetotal?

The burning question, of course, is which one of the lads is Ernie and which is Ted? Whichever claims to be the good guy (Ernie) should be careful – if you remember the song, Ernie was felled by a rock cake underneath the heart and a stale pork pie in the eye and it was Ted who ended up married to Sue. Personally, I can't imagine Jazzer as a good guy, but I will be listening carefully when Harry speaks to try to glean details of his background – wouldn't it be spooky if he originally came from Teddington, or named his milk float Trigger?

And now we return to a subject first aired a few weeks ago; that of the density of Jennifer Aldridge. When it comes to other peoples' relationships, the woman is as thick as a yard of lard and has the sensitivity of a cast-iron condom. Every time Lillian meets up with Paul (and we are talking pretty often here), who turns up, mouthing such tactless remarks such as "Paul – I never expected to see you here", leaving the unspoken question "are you bonking my sister?" hanging awkwardly in the air.

Even Paul has noticed, saying to Lillian "is your sister checking up on me?" Too right, she is. Being a gooseberry isn't enough for Jennifer, as she asks Lillian if she knows what she's doing and warns her of the possible consequences. In a rare flash of insight, Jennifer said "Of course, it's none of my business…" Hold that thought and give that woman a coconut! Spot on Jennifer, now butt out!

Let's be honest, Jennifer isn't that good at spotting relationships, is she? After all, when hubby Brian was bonking Siobhan, Jennifer suspected nothing and only found out about it when Brian returned home after a "business trip", complete with love-child.

Lillian and Paul are not her only concern, though, as she wailed to Lillian "The relationship between Mum and Ted has moved to a new level!" What's happened? A dirty weekend in Felpersham? Have they been spotted doing some al fresco bonking on Lakey Hill? Is the Summerhouse being used for immoral purposes? Er, not quite, as a breathless and distraught Jennifer told Lillian that "Mum and Ted went out for lunch and Mum insisted on paying her share!"

My God! Such depravity! Whatever next? Before you know it, they'll be sharing the same seat on the bus or Peggy will be inviting Ted in for tea in broad daylight. There's obviously life in the old dogs yet…

Girl Power

Sunny Ormonde (Lilian Bellamy)

It's been a good week for the fairer sex in Ambridge, with many of the girls celebrating one thing or another.

First of all we have Brenda and her new job in PR. Well done Bren, but some people (Tom and Pat, for example) are having reservations. After all, it is in Leicester and this is causing consternation, logistics-wise. A train journey would involve two changes; staying up there during the week would be more than Brenda can afford and driving would take – wait for it – two hours! From the comments flying about, I assumed that going to Leicester would involve crossing at least two time zones, but it's a good job that Bren is living with a farmer – he can get her up early.

Then there's Helen, over the moon that she has got an early sperm donor appointment. "Just think," she told her family, "I could be pregnant in a month or two!" This went down like a lead balloon with Dad Tony, not to mention the majority of listeners, I would imagine, as we thought we had at least six months' stay of execution. I fear it's going to be a long, boring Summer.

The Community shop looks like it's a goer, largely thanks to Pat's efforts, as Brian patronisingly reminded her. And talking of goers (oh, these seamless links) we had Lillian and Paul getting their act together after dancing the night away and then making the beast with two backs. I fear it will end in tears, although the storyline has been nominated as the one least likely to knock you down with a feather.

Kirsty has been offered a job by Kenton and, instead of running a mile, seems to have accepted. This is the Kenton who, going by past experience, couldn't reliably run a bath, let alone a business and whose idea of man-management is to let the plebs do all the work. And the other owner is Jim, who if he had his way would only admit Latin-speaking customers with degrees. The words "recipe" and "disaster" spring to mind.

Someone with not much to celebrate is Peggy, who was mortified to see Jack holding hands with Violet and ignoring her (Peggy). Still, she was being comforted by Ted, so it could be an ill wind, and this could be the start of something big.

And now we have to talk about a disturbing trend, in which the writers have been lulling us into a false sense of security, then suddenly pulling the rug from under our feet and mugging us. I have already referred to Helen's AI date being moved forward, but for sheer, unadulterated sadism and cruelty, we have the storyline about Kate. In a previous blog, I had expressed the fear that she might not return to South Africa, but, sure enough, she got on the plane and I and many others breathed a sigh of relief and cracked open the bubbly.

But we celebrated too soon, as she rang Jennifer to tell her that she was coming back home to study. Apparently Felpersham college is the only place in the world where she can study gannet-strangling, or whatever her subject is. And what about her two children in South Africa? Hubby's family can look after them, replied Kate, thus demonstrating once again why she has never won 'mother of the year'. "It will give me the chance to bond with Phoebe" she also said, glossing over the fact that she has seen her eldest daughter about three times in the past decade. I look forward to hearing Hayley's reaction.

In the meantime, let's all pray for a very large and long-lasting cloud of volcanic ash…

Beyond Belief

Kim Durham (Matt Crawford)

I don't want to criticise (but I'm going to), but don't you think we have had some pretty unbelievable and uninspiring story lines lately? On the unbelievable front, we have Tony's pathetic performance as a would-be matchmaker for daughter Helen when inviting Patrick round.

I know Tony is as subtle as a brick through a window, but his performance was totally over the top - nobody could be as thick and as obvious as that. Why doesn't he hang a sign round Helen's neck saying "Man – any man – Wanted"?

Equally unbelievable was Matt's vision of the future, in which Lillian starred only as a business partner. OK, so Matt is not the most considerate of men and not one to proclaim his love from the rooftops, but surely even he must have been aware of the increasingly-frosty tone adopted by Lillian as he droned on? Come on Archers writers, give us some credit – there's no need to be quite so unsubtle.

This brings us on to recent, underwhelming story lines. I have avoided writing about 'Ambridge has got talent', because it patently hasn't (although Jazzer was OK). The best thing about this story is that it didn't go on as long as the perennial "Oh God, it's the Christmas show again and how will we encourage people to become involved?" Why bother? Let's face it, Linda bullies so many people into taking part that there can't really be enough left over to make up an audience. But we get ahead of ourselves and the Christmas show is (sadly) a probable horror to come later in the year.

Another storyline that made you want to bang your head against something hard was Jim's Roman-themed house warming party. Who cares? And is it even the remotest bit likely that anyone – even someone as boring and self-centred as Jim – would think that a recitation of Cicero is just the thing to get a party started? Again, credibility is stretched way beyond breaking point.

There seems to be a horrible inevitability in the Lillian/Paul storyline, as it moves, supertanker like, to either a probable consummation or heartbreak. Lillian is going to spend the night at a work's do at an hotel. Separate rooms, of course. Yeah right – what's the betting that the reservation has been mixed up and there's only one room? It would be ironic if Matt gets out with his tag and then is swiftly returned to chokey because he practised some GBH on Paul.

Then there's the Pip/Jude quad bike accident saga. I had hoped that after Pip's trip to casualty the consultant would say "She's OK Mr. Archer, but I'm afraid the trauma suffered means she will never speak again". Sadly it didn't happen. Meanwhile, Jude is even more persona non grata at Brookfield.

Now here's a storyline that I'd like to see; Pip and Jude and Alice and Christopher decide to demonstrate their love for each other by holding a double wedding. Can you imagine the delight of David and Brian while walking their daughters down the aisle? It would be a test of acting ability too – father-of-the-bride speeches made entirely through gritted teeth…