Martyn Read (Bert Horrobin)
Let’s kick off with Bert Horrobin for a change – let’s face it, the poor sod hasn’t got much going for him, what with being a Horrobin and all. Once a Horrobin, always a – well, ‘thief’ sums it up pretty well, I suppose. And not only a thief, but someone who takes advantage of his fellow villagers, as Susan reveals to Emma; her and Tracy’s cunning plan to clandestinely film the phantom shoplifter has revealed Bert to be the one who is nicking custard creams and light bulbs (an odd combination, to be sure).
Susan asks Emma if she would accompany her to confront Bert, which she does. We are not privy to the conversation, but we can gather that it didn’t go well, when Emma says “he played you like a violin.” It seems that Emma was all for stringing up her grandfather, or tarring and feathering him at the very least, but Bert spun Susan a real sob story. “You should have given him a real rollicking” Emma says, but Susan is convinced that Bert is a sad, lonely old man under stress and the thefts were “a cry for help.”
Help for what, for heaven’s sake? Susan is convinced that her new-found stardom on Radio Borsetshire has made Bert think that he isn’t good enough for her, hence the descent into crime – Bert was on the verge of tears. Emma says that was just because he was scared that Susan would call in the police and Susan is mega-gullible. Nevertheless, Susan accepts that she hasn’t been pulling her weight as far as looking after Bert is concerned and, from now on, she resolves to have her dad over to Ambridge View for lunch and some quality time. “Good luck with that” is Emma’s comment.
Susan’s estimation of her own importance is way out of touch with reality; when Emma berates her mother for giving Jolene and Kenton a hard time on the radio regarding the attack on Sgt Burns by Prospero the peacock, Susan replies loftily “I have a duty to my listeners.” What, all three of them? Emma is apprehensive, as she needs the bar work at The Bull and she is worried that Kenton and Jolene might reduce her shifts, especially if the negative publicity over the radio interview results in fewer customers patronising the pub. “It’s the adrenaline when you are broadcasting” Susan explains, but when Emma voices her worries, Susan promises to be more careful about what she says in the future. The words ’shutting’, ‘stable door’, ‘after’, ‘horse’ and ‘bolted’ spring, unbidden, to mind, while the rest of us sit back and wait for the next faux pas, confident that it won’t be long in coming. And we are right, as later Susan is interviewing Philip and Gavin, as Gavin has been a bit of a hero (more details later) and bangs on about the Grey Gables explosion.
Phil is worried that Gavin “is getting too pally with the horses” (that’s what being thrown together throughout lockdown does for you) and reminds his son that he is due to take Blake (one of the horses) for his physiotherapy this afternoon. Philip warns him to be careful, as Blake is not supposed to be working. Not only that, but the people of Ambridge believe that Blake is convalescing at his parents’ home in Norfolk, so Blake must not be seen, which is the reason that his physio appointment is somewhere 20-odd miles from Ambridge. In a phrase with which I am sure Philip would strongly disagree, Gavin tells him “Dad, I know what I’m doing.” Yeah, right.
Later in the day, Philip is queueing outside the village shop (let’s hope he’s not looking for custard creams) and runs into Chris, who is buying wine for Alice – they are going to have a film night. There is talk about Chris and Alice’s wedding in Vegas ten years ago and Chris says he still cannot understand “what an intelligent, classy girl like Alice saw in a bit of rough like me.” That’s what your mother-in-law thought at the time, Chris. “Tell me about it!” says Philip, but we assume that he is referring to the similarity of the situation between himself and Kirsty, rather than just agreeing that Chris is a bit of rough.
Meanwhile, the classy and intelligent Alice is by the side of the Am, waiting for Fallon to join her for a drink, unaware that Fallon has phoned and texted to say that she can’t make it. Alice leaves a message on Fallon’s phone, saying that, if Fallon isn’t there in five minutes, then Alice will finish off the Prosecco by herself – it’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it and, let’s be honest, there’s nobody better qualified than Alice (with the possible exception of her auntie Lilian).
As Alice gets progressively drunker, she leaves an abusive and spiteful message on Emma’s phone. She also doesn’t go home, but goes out running. Her absence worries Chris, who keeps trying to contact his wife, but gets no answer. Eventually, Chris contacts Harrison, who launches a missing persons search.
By this time it is 9pm and Gavin is on his way home, with Blake in the back of the van. Gavin rings his dad to say that he’s on his way home. But wait – what’s that on the verge? It’s a woman dressed in running gear – is she dead, injured or just passed out? Philip tells Gavin to leave her where she is and get Blake home. He adds that Gavin should not call an ambulance – they cannot risk Blake being questioned by the authorities. Gavin recognises Alice, but Phil tells him to leave her there and get home.
Fortunately for Alice, Gavin ignores his father and takes Alice to hospital (Blake is still in the back of the van), where Alice is kept in, suffering, as she tells Chris the following day, from dehydration. Gavin apologises to Phil for disobeying his order and is astonished when Philip replies that Gavin did the right thing and that he (Philip) should be the one to apologise, as he made the wrong call.
Anyway, Chris takes Alice home and Susan interviews the Mosses on her radio show, reading out comments from listeners. These are mostly complimentary, but then Susan reads out the one which blames the Mosses for the Grey Gables explosion.
Later on, Susan goes to see Emma to try and persuade her to go with her to see Alice and Chris – whatever the tiff (Susan’s word) is between Emma and her brother, surely it can be put behind them. Emma insists that Susan listens to Alice’s abusive message on her phone, but only half of it was recorded, as Alice’s battery ran out. Emma points out that Alice’s voice is slurred and that she is an alcoholic. Susan says “No way – you only have to look at her”. Presumably Alice has ‘I’m not really a lush – honest’ tattooed on her forehead. Susan accuses her daughter of “hearing only what you want to hear”, to which Emma replies that Susan can tell Chris and Alice what she likes – “I’m done.”
The following day, Gavin goes to see Alice, who is relaxing in her front garden. She apologises for not thanking him properly but she cannot remember much about it and gives him the story about being dehydrated. Gavin – not unkindly – gently tells her that he smelled her breath when he picked her up and he knows she had been drinking; her problem wasn’t having too little to drink, but just the opposite. Worried, Alice asks if he has told Chris? No, replies Gavin, adding that it’s none of his (Gavin’s) business and Alice can rely on him not to go shooting his mouth off.
The pair are getting quite matey and the conversation turns to how difficult it is to work with their respective fathers. Gavin says that it’s difficult to walk away when family is involved and he bemoans the explosion at Grey Gables, saying that if he had been paying attention it would never have happened – as it is he is now paying for one stupid mistake that will never happen again. Alice says that’s why she doesn’t want Chris to know the truth about the other night – she hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol since and she swears it will never happen again. Gavin says not to worry – he can be relied upon to keep his mouth shut.
Suddenly, Alice bursts into tears, telling Gavin that she must be more shaken up than she thought. He is worried about leaving her alone – should he call Chris or someone else? He also suggests a cup of tea or coffee. “Normally, I’d suggest something stronger, but I guess that’s not appropriate” he says. And it is now that Alice drops her bombshell, as she says that she’d really love a drink “but I can’t – in case it hurts the baby.”
I put it to you that, unless the baby was conceived last night, it has had plenty of time to become used to alcohol – lots of it – and will probably be born with a wine glass in hand. I’m surprised that Alice hasn’t heard the sound of drunken singing from the area of her womb before now.
I know that a pregnancy is usually a joyous event, and I am sure that the news will be happily received by those closest involved, but just think what’s in store for the rest of us over the next few months – imagine how Susan will react when she finds out – can’t you foresee her radio programme being full of the latest news about Alice’s pregnancy? And as for how Jennifer will behave doesn’t bear thinking about – I honestly think that I might be unable to cope with it.
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