The Two Sides (Or Faces?) Of Justin Elliott

Simon Williams (Justin Elliott)

Before we get into this week’s blog, we should give thanks that, while the rest of the country is in lockdown and people are gradually going stir crazy, the coronavirus pandemic appears to have bypassed Borsetshire. As we will see, nightclubs, bars and shops are still open and, far from self-isolating, Ben Archer is, as they say, putting it about with gusto to celebrate his 18th.

The biggest worry is the loss of Friday night’s episode of our favourite soap; at this rate Ambridge will be operating a three-day week before long. We know that Saturdays do not exist in Ambridge, but now we have lost Fridays as well - where will it all end? And so to the blog…

Pip and Phoebe are talking about fencing for the rewilding project and they are joined by Justin. Pip has spent a lot of time preparing a spreadsheet with detailed costs from suppliers concerning the fencing that they will need. As far as I understand it, the idea is to let cattle roam free to graze on the rewilding land. Justin asks to look at the spreadsheet and he comments that the costs look a little high to him and he is confident that BL’s buying power could get the price down. Phoebe is pleased, but Pip says later that she felt patronised.

The following day, the two girls are joined by Rex and the trio decide to remove a fencepost. This they do, and Phoebe remarks that they should have done something to mark the occasion. Never mind, says Rex - they can celebrate in the pub later and he makes a speech, saying that the three of them make a great team. They go to The Bull and Rex returns from the bar, bearing a bottle of champagne. Where did that come from? Pip asks and Rex replies that apparently Justin ordered it and left instructions that it should be opened when the three came in. 

How did Justin know that they would be celebrating? “Justin moves in mysterious ways” says Rex, and the three of them toast Mr Elliott and drink his champagne. Call me picky, but I cannot help thinking that, if they celebrate every time that they move one post and Justin then forks out on a bottle of champers, then rewilding Ambridge is (a) going to take an awfully long time and (b) practically all of Peggy’s £500,000 will be spent on champagne and I’m willing to bet that that was not mentioned when they submitted the initial business plan. There is also the fact  that, by the time Ambridge is rewilded, the trio’s livers will be shot to pieces.

On Tuesday, we saw another side of Justin Elliott when, in conversation with Kirsty, he says that, in view of what happened at Grey Gables, he doesn’t think it is appropriate for Philip’s men to be working at Berrow Farm at this time. “Talk about kicking a man when he’s down” Kirsty mutters, adding that Philip has been badly affected by the whole Grey Gables incident and she has never seen him so down.

Justin makes a comment along the lines of ‘sometimes it’s the little things that we do that can have a big effect’ and Philip returns home to find Kirsty going through his business papers. What’s going on? She tells him that some company rang up about an invoice and she thought she would help him by finding it, but she has had no success so far. Philip tells her that he knows where it is and she is not to worry - he is on top of everything. Kirsty says she was just trying to help. Philip replies that he knows that, adding that she is his rock. “I don’t know what I’d do without you” he says.

At Brookfield, Josh is distinctly down, having no meaningful job and, trying to cheer him up, Brian, who is there to drill oilseed, says that they could use some help at Home Farm and to leave it with him. Sadly, Josh jumps the gun and goes to see Adam to tell him that he can start right away - he even had a refresher course on lambing from Pip (and what riveting radio that was). Adam is not best pleased - he tells Brian that he fired Ed because he was involved in dodgy dealing and has Brian forgotten that Josh is still under investigation for possibly selling stolen machinery? Adam orders Brian to contact Josh and tell him that there is no job going.

But back to Philip. He gets a panicky phone call from son Gavin, at the hospital - the police are questioning Blake; what if the lad cracks under the pressure? When he arrives at the hospital, Philip tells Gav that he’s getting fed up with his son’s attitude (Gavin admits that he’s bricking it) and orders him to go and stay with his mother for a while. “You’re a liability Gav - from now on we’re going to handle this situation my way.”

Philip’s way is to tell Blake to stick to their pre-arranged story. Philip’s attitude is part paternal and part threatening. “It’s the only way I can protect you, Blake.” Blake says that he is sorry about the explosion (Philip has told him that it was his fault) but he was so very hungry. “We’re family, don’t forget” Philip tells him, and adds that it is breaking his heart to see the trouble that Blake is in “but I promise I’ll do everything in my power to keep you safe.” By this time, Blake is a quivering wreck and Philip has got him just where he wants him, with unquestioning, blind obedience.

Incidentally, it takes Kirsty a couple of days to notice that Gavin has gone walkabout and she questions Philip about his whereabouts. Philip replies that he sent Gavin away, as he’s dealing with a lot of guilt. Kirsty is very angry and blames Blake for the explosion and the subsequent effect on Philip.

It’s an ill explosion that blows nobody any good, as they might say, and Freddie is being hailed as a hero by all and sundry for rescuing Lynda from the aftermath of the blast. So much praise is being heaped upon him that he feels embarrassed and begs people not to use the words ‘hero’ or ‘heroic’ when they talk to him, or about him.

This feeling of embarrassment becomes acute when Robert Snell seeks him out to thank him for saving Lynda’s life and insists on giving him a hug. “You don’t know how grateful I am” Robert tells him, while Freddie’s toes curl up with embarrassment. Robert says that Lynda would like to see Freddie above anyone else, but Freddie is unsure, as he feels guilty because he is virtually unscathed, while Lynda was in mortal danger for a while.

Robert then presses something into Freddie’s hand - it is the Military Medal that was awarded to Robert’s father for bravery in the war. A stunned Freddie says that he cannot possibly accept it, but Robert says that Freddie did something extraordinarily brave and he wants to honour him for that. Touched, Freddie says that he will treasure it, and, if Robert ever wants it back…

So now we come to Ben Archer’s birthday celebrations - or to be more accurate, the fortnight after his birthday, as he was 18 on 15^th March. We learn that the colour of his car is bright - very bright - orange, but Ben doesn’t care. What concerns him is that Pip still hasn’t bought him a proper birthday present. To keep him quiet, she suggests that she, Ben and Josh (to cheer the latter up over the no job at Home Farm fiasco) go out for a night on the lash. Pip will drive them and will pay for the drinks - but not for Ben’s friends as well; her generosity only stretches so far.

Ben accepts with alacrity and suggests that they go into a club in Felpersham the very next night. Josh finds his brother going through his wardrobe, looking for something suitably stunning to wear. At first, Josh isn’t too keen on the idea, but when he learns that they will be going out in Pip’s car and not the orangemobile, he allows himself to be persuaded. Perhaps they should have taken Ben’s car, as Pip’s car breaks down. Ben, who is already pretty well-refreshed and drinking in the back, demands that they get him to Felpersham. He gets out of the car and drunkenly flags down the next car that he sees, much to his siblings’ consternation.

Luckily (or possibly not) the car is Joy Horville’s MG Midget and Ben demands a lift, as it’s his birthday. She agrees, but it is only a two-seater, so she sets off with Ben, leaving Pip and Josh to follow when the breakdown van arrives. Some time later, brother and sister arrive at the club to find Joy and the friend she was meeting, but there’s no sign of Ben. Joy tells them that he met a girl and has vanished. Pip wants to go back home, but Josh insists on having a drink “or maybe two”.

Next morning, Rooooth gives a violently hungover Josh the third degree, as Ben hasn’t come home yet. Josh says that Ben is crashing at one of his college friend’s and reminds his mum that Ben is 18, after all. Rooooth goes and Pip comes in, angry because Ben and Josh abandoned her and she had to listen to Joy all night. Pip and Josh agree to cover for Ben, but, later on, Jill notices that their stories differ; while Josh said that Ben was staying with a college friend, Pip said that he fell in with some young farmer friends.

Rooooth and Jill talk and agree that they suppose they will have to get used to Ben staying out late, or indeed, all night. Rooooth gets a text from Ben, which says simply “chill out, mother”. Jill is alone when Ben slips back into Brookfield and she teases him, saying that she hopes that he took precautions (by which I assume that she meant that she hopes he washed his hands).

Ben and Josh meet up and Ben says that he spent the night with Chloe, whom he describes as “gorgeous” and he tells his brother that he is going clubbing again next week. Chloe, he adds, couldn’t wait to get his shirt off. “Too much information!” protests Josh, and forbears to remind Ben that it was his shirt anyway. As Ben goes to get some (presumably well-earned) rest, Josh says to himself “I’ve got a horrible feeling that we may have created a monster!”

Please Don’t Tell Me That Philip Has Something To Hide…

Andy Hockley (Philip Moss)

In recent weeks, I have said some quite nice things about Philip Moss and wished him and Kirsty much happiness as they plan their forthcoming marriage. And now the scriptwriters are hinting - well, more than hinting - that his business dealings are somewhat less than kosher.

The week started badly for Philip, with the contents of the fire investigation report becoming common knowledge across the village. Philip tells Alistair that people are entitled to have a go at him and he wonders if he will be prosecuted or lose his business. If only he had not taken the weekend off, then Blake and Lynda would not be in hospital - that’s what he cannot forgive himself for.

He’s concerned because the so-called engagement party invitations have gone out and he’s worried that it appears insensitive. Alistair offers his support and points out that calling the party off won’t do any good - Philip has to realise that the explosion wasn’t his fault and the only way to stop gossips is to face them down and carry on. Alistair says that a group of villagers are meeting at the pub to discuss ways of raising money for victims of the incident. Will Philip go to the meeting? “Maybe - if I can find my courage by then” the builder replies.

The meeting is held at The B@Ambridge on Wednesday and Philip does turn up. Before he does, Alistair suggests that perhaps Philip could repair Lynda’s llama shelter, which Alistair noticed is leaking. Kenton makes some cruel remarks about Philip’s competence. The newly-arrived Philip holds his hands up and apologises for the havoc that he is responsible for. He has no excuses - the Grey Gables incident was the worst moment of his working life “and I apologise to everyone affected from the bottom of my heart.” 

Many of those present are impressed by his honesty and his courage and he says that he will gladly fix the llama shelter. Earlier in the day, Philip spoke to the doctor at the hospital and was relieved when she says that she sees no reason why Blake couldn’t walk again. 

Philip is even more relieved because Lynda has come out of her coma and asked for some water. Robert is overjoyed and exclaims “Oh my darling - you’ve come back to me!” His delight is tempered when Lynda reacts badly to the news that Robert tore Oliver off a strip and held him responsible for Lynda’s current state. She makes Robert promise to persuade Oliver to come and visit her. “He’s a good employer and a very good friend” she tells Robert.

Lilian is spending a fair amount of time at the hospital. The meeting at the pub has sparked off a few ideas for raising money and the Lent Appeal is going very well. Plus, Lilian has one more surprise for Lynda - any time now, the old Bull sign is going back up. “Do you mean…?” Lynda asks. “Yes,” Lilian replies, The Bull is staying The Bull - and even more important, you’re going to get better darling!” Well, the B@Ambridge experiment was a waste of time, wasn’t it? Lots of bad feeling on all sides and money spent for nothing.

But back to Philip. He rings Gavin (they are repairing the llama shelter) and tells his son to get his backside into gear and join him asap. When they meet, he tells Gavin that he had a phone call from a lady called Moira, from the insurance company. She wanted facts about the incident and Philip is afraid that she is going to start digging and ferreting around. Gavin says that he hopes Blake will keep his mouth shut.

Philip blames Gavin for the incident - it transpires that Blake was starving; Gavin had not given him anything to eat all day, so Blake thought he could make some toast, which is why the grill was alight. Lynda opened the door and the draught blew the petrol fumes into the grill. “That’s why Blake and Lynda are in hospital” Philip tells his son, adding: “Thank God she didn’t die.”

Gavin then makes a serious error of judgement when he calls Lynda “an old bat” and he finds his father gripping him by the throat. “You’re choking me” Gavin gasps and Philip pushes him away in disgust. He tells Gavin that they both have to be careful 24/7 - they need to stick to their story and Blake will do what he’s told. “The way we run our gang might look wrong to some people” Philip adds. “They’re slaves” Gavin says. “Don’t ever use that word,” his father warns; “If you’re not careful, you’ll get us both sent down.” Oh dear; it seems that Philip isn’t the all-round good guy that we thought and is harbouring a murky secret. I for one am disappointed - surely Philip cannot be a slave driver?

Blake and Lynda are not the only ones to be affected by the explosion, as Roy isn’t looking too good - his bruises are coming out, although his cut head is healing up. He made a major slip-up when he referred to Kirsty and Philip’s ‘wedding party’ instead of the ‘engagement party’, which is what they are telling everybody it is. Phoebe notices, but Roy manages to pass it off by saying that he was momentarily confused. She is not convinced though, and starts to keep a closer eye on her father - after all he did take quite a heavy blow to the head.

Everything seems to be happening to Roy - Wednesday’s episode kicks off with Roy on the phone to Sgt Burns, as his car has been stolen from outside the house. He is incensed that such a crime could happen in broad daylight. Later on, Harrison calls in on Roy to inform him that the car has been found on the Beechwood estate. Bloody joyriders! The strange thing is, says Sgt Burns, that there are no signs of forced entry and the car is not damaged in any way.

Roy says that they had better go and get the car and, when he’s looking for his keys, he finds he has two sets. He apologises to Harrison, but Phoebe is even more worried. It appears that what happened was that Roy drove over to see Kirsty to discuss the upcoming party and, for reasons that I didn’t fully understand, she drove him back to the village and he’d forgotten that he had arrived in a car.

So far, so weird, but things get even weirder. Brian tells Jennifer that Phoebe has been calling him, worried about Roy and he is off to see Roy now. Brian finds Roy cleaning mud off his slippers - Phoebe has seen him out in the garden, dressed in pyjamas and the aforementioned slippers and called Brian for help. Brian suggests that going outside in pyjamas and slippers is not normal behaviour (well, not in the UK in March, anyway).

Brian suggests that the bang on the head could be dangerous, but Roy says it’s just a bit of a headache now and again. Has Roy seen a doctor? “Don’t need to” Roy replies, smugly. Brian resists the temptation to smack him round the head (won’t help him any) and recounts the time when Brian was knocked down by Joe Grundy’s cow and smacked his head on the ground.

Brian had seizures and had to have an operation to remove a cerebral abscess. He was terrified. Roy comes to accept that his behaviour has been a tad abnormal and, when Brian says that the doctor at A&E had told Roy to come back if he felt unwell, Roy agrees. Brian offers Roy a lift there and then and the latter accepts. I can only assume that the corona virus has not affected the local hospital (indeed, as some of our readers have commented, the pandemic seems to have bypassed Ambridge entirely - take samples of the water; there might be a cure there) as there are no queues.

Over at Home Farm, there is disagreement between Brian and Adam. Adam has a hard time, running the farm and being in the lambing shed every night. They have an argument about whether or not to hire another farmhand (Adam says ’no’, Brian says ’yes’) and whether or not to start drilling Spring Barley (see bracket above).                         

Jennifer, though is concerned that Adam is missing Xander’s childhood. He’s a farmer, woman.

There are a few loose ends to tie up; Oliver is beating himself up because he froze on the day. He tells Lynda this when he goes to see her, but she is magnanimity itself, calling him “a good, fine man”. Oliver leaves and thanks Lynda for cheering him up. Incidentally, just to show that Oliver is a nice man, he has assured the staff at Grey Gables that they will not lose any wages.

Speaking of nice people, Sunday was Ben Archer’s 18^th birthday. He was expecting a car from his parents, despite having been told more than once that there was no money and no chance. However, Jill to the rescue! Ben proudly shows Freddie the present from Jill and Leonard - I know you are way ahead of me here, but it’s a car! Apparently Leonard either knows someone, or has a relative that knows someone in the car business and they have bought him a car.

Sadly, it would appear that at least one person in this chain is colour-blind, as, when Ben shows Freddie his new vehicle it is an awful colour. We aren’t told exactly what colour, but it must be pretty horrible, as, when Ben takes Freddie and Jill for a spin, Freddie crouches down in his seat as far as he can. Jill thinks the car is striking and Ben is just happy to have a set of wheels. When they return home, Ben asks Freddie if he will go for a spin in the car. “Absolutely - as soon as you’ve had a total respray!” Freddie replies.

It looked as if Ed and Emma were moving closer together - because Emma was suffering flashbacks from the G-G explosion, Ed had been spending the nights at Ambridge View, while Susan and Neil were away on holiday abroad. The pair were getting closer, reminiscing about when they were both at school, and the children were much better behaved when Ed was there.

Things were looking good, but then Emma received a text from Susan - they were on their way back from the airport. Panic stations! Ed and Em needed to get the place cleaned up and Edward out of the way before Sue and Neil got home, so the spell was broken and the mood lost. I must admit that I was sorry that this episode was on radio and not TV, as Susan sent a video of Neil dancing the Macarena - I’d pay good money to have seen that.

Who Said Sundays Are Boring?

Graham Blockey (Robert Snell)

A couple of weeks ago I said of Robert Snell “when it comes to understatement, he has no equal.” Well, dear reader, I was wrong, but I’m afraid you are going to have to wait a bit before the new understatement champion is revealed. Sorry to be a tease.

But let’s go back to the beginning of the week; Tom and Natasha are celebrating her birthday and their first wedding anniversary, with the cake that Tom baked. As we predicted, the ring that Tom thought he had lost turned up inside the cake and he almost broke a tooth on it.

Over at Grey Gables, Emma mentions to Aunt Tracy that she and Ed are thinking about a divorce. Tracy is horrified and leaves her post at Reception to run after her niece and argue with her. Tracy tells Emma that she and Ed belong together, and Emma leaves the hotel, still arguing with Tracy. And it was lucky that she did, as in mid argument, we hear a loud explosion and the pair run back in to see what has happened and to help.

Meanwhile, Lynda has been desperately trying to apologise to Freddie over the misunderstanding over Johnny’s hair-thickening pills. Freddie is still very anti-Lynda and won’t listen when she says she wants to apologise. When she says that she will clear the air with the staff, Freddie asks how can she do that without giving Johnny’s secret away? We never find out how she plans to do that, as she is distracted by a noisy workman (they are repairing the soil pipe) and she opens the kitchen door to tell him off. It is at this moment that we hear the explosion.

The story continues on Monday, where we find Roy organising the evacuation of the hotel and stopping a guest who is trying to get back inside. Inside the kitchen, Freddie, who was caught in the blast and knocked unconscious, comes to and sees Lynda and Blake (the workman she was going to tell off) lying silent and motionless. Freddie realises that their exit is blocked and he looks for another way out. Throughout all this, he talks constantly to her and says that he accepts her apology.

Roy realises that Lynda is missing and starts to look for her. Freddie is shouting for help and Roy hears him. Roy spots the unconscious workman and, somehow, he manages to drag Lynda out of the wreckage. He asks Roy if Lynda is breathing (paramedics have arrived by this time) and Freddie is scared that he didn’t get her out in time. And thus Monday’s episode ends.

While Roy is coping extremely well, despite a nasty gash on the head, Oliver emerges from his office in a state of shock and is seemingly incapable of movement. Tracy takes charge of him and leads him to Grange Farm, where the Grundys look after him.

On Tuesday, Robert is at the hospital. Jim has gone along too and Robert tells him that the doctors won’t let him see Lynda. Freddie saved her and she has been operated on for a collapsed lung. Robert is concerned - he says that when Lynda was leaving for work yesterday, she said something to Robert and her husband is vexed because he cannot remember what is was.

Freddie has also been taken to hospital and is quite the hero - a journalist from The Echo has interviewed him. Even better, as he tells Elizabeth and Shula, the hospital are discharging him today. Elizabeth is concerned, but Freddie assures her that it’s not as bad as it looks and he’s looking forward to going back to Number 1, The Green. In your dreams Freddie! Lizzie says he is going back to Lower Loxley and a disappointed Freddie reluctantly agrees, but warns his mother that he won’t be staying for ever.

Robert, meanwhile, has been spoken to by a doctor, who tells him that Lynda will be having skin grafts tomorrow, plus she has a fractured pelvis and severe burns, as she caught the full force of the blast. Robert wants to see her and the doctor is reluctant - she’s not a pretty sight. Jim tells Shula that he will be staying in case Robert needs him, but he doesn’t think that Robert is in the mood for other visitors. Shula takes his advice and leaves.

Robert returns and tells Jim that Lynda “is broken”. Jim’s response is that she’s still alive and Robert needs to stay strong for her. Robert has remembered what it was that Lynda said to him before she set out for work (she wasn’t scheduled to be working on that day). She gave Robert some French Toast and said “Don’t let it get cold” - what if they should prove to be the last words she ever said to him? Hardly likely to make the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, is it?

On Wednesday, rumours are starting to circulate round the village. Kirsty was in the shop and heard Jennifer say that, if the explosion occurred in the kitchen, it must be the fault of the workmen. Kirsty and Roy talk - Roy says Oliver has taken it very badly; he didn’t bring any clothes of his own and is wearing Eddie’s clothes and not seeing visitors. Actually, if I were wearing Eddie’s clothes, I don’t think I’d want people seeing me either. Could be worse, I suppose - he could be wearing Clarrie’s garments.

At Lower Loxley, Lily shows Freddie the Echo article, but Freddie is not in the mood to receive congratulations. Russ comes in and asks Freddie if he needs help tying his shoelaces and is rudely rebuffed. Russ tries to distract Freddie by giving him things to do, but Freddie is preoccupied - what if he made things worse by dragging Lynda out? Russ replies that at least Lynda and Blake are alive. Lily asks Russ if Freddie is ok and he replies “No - but he will be; just give him some time.”

Oliver decides he should go and see Robert at the hospital and asks if there’s anything he can do? Robert is not impressed and gets very angry, telling Oliver that Lynda wasn’t down to work that day. Furthermore, it is Oliver’s hotel and, therefore, his responsibility. Robert screams at Oliver to get out, and take his flowers with him. “If anything happens to my Lindy, I’m holding you responsible!” Robert rants.

Thursday at Grange Farm sees Eddie bringing down Oliver’s (untouched) breakfast from his bedroom. Clarrie says that he’s got to eat, but Eddie points out that he can hardly force-feed him. Oliver comes downstairs and says that Robert was right - the buck stops with Oliver. Emma goes to work in the tea room and sells Lilian some food to take to the hospital. Lilian is worried - what if Robert won’t see her after the row about the pub name change and the fiasco over Lynda’s demonstration?

We learn here that Lynda is in an induced coma, which prompted some cruel remarks from friends, along the lines of ‘perhaps they’ll forget to wake her up‘, and ‘maybe it will last ten years or so.’ People can be so cruel, can’t they? Robert does not turn Lilian away, but confides that he has been reading to his wife - Moby Dick (which was probably what induced the coma). Lynda gives Robert some fresh clothes and tells him to go to the washroom and freshen up. Have a shower and a shave so that he will look presentable when Lynda comes round. Oh yes - ring Leonie and Flat Leaf Parsley, as they have been frantic, not being able to contact their father.

As Robert goes meekly away, Lilian sits with Lynda and talks to her. She’s brought some magazines for her (smart move, Lilian). Lilian becomes quite emotional and tells Lynda that she and Lilian have had their fair share of squabbles over the years (not to mention padlocking Lynda to the pub signpost) “and we’ve got many more years of squabbling to look forward to, haven’t we Lynda?” Personally I reckon that if Lilian said that she is going to revert to The Bull’s old name, Lynda would suddenly spring out of bed and tap dance down the corridor, completely healed.

And so to Friday. Philip is worried that the incident is being talked about by the Grey Gables staff and fingers are being pointed at him. Certainly Tracy is blaming the workmen. Roy happens to mention how Robert had a real go at Oliver and Tracy immediately leaves to find her boss. She tracks him down, sitting on the Caroline Sterling memorial bench at Grey Gables. Oliver is mortified - on the day of the explosion, all the staff reacted superbly, getting everybody outside in 13 and a half minutes. He, on the other hand, was paralysed and couldn’t move. Tracy says he was in shock - that’s what the paramedics said - and he mustn’t be too hard on himself.

Let’s just duck away for a few minutes and go back to Roy and Kirsty, who are talking in the Tea Room. She cannot believe how happy she was a week ago and now all this. Roy points out that disasters seldom provide advance warnings, but she wonders if this is a good time for a wedding? Roy says that they are talking some time in the future and “You can’t put your happiness on hold.” Besides, what about his feelings as joint Best Man?

Back to Tracy and Oliver. She notices that he is carrying an envelope. He confides that it is the final Investigation Report, but he is reluctant to open it. She encourages him to do so and he reads it, saying please excuse him; he has to go and see someone.

That someone is Phil and Oliver asks if he has seen the report yet? Phil says ‘no’ and Oliver tells him that the cause of the explosion lies with Phil’s workers. It seems that Blake was using petrol to remove the adhesive on the floor tiles and, for reasons unknown, the grill was on. When Lynda opened the door to remonstrate with Blake, the draught brought the petrol fumes into contact with the flames. “This is not the way I work” says Phil and, while Oliver says that he knows Philip is a good man, the same cannot be said for Gavin and Blake (who were the workers on the project), although Gavin wasn’t there when the accident happened.

Oliver is sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but thought Philip should know before the news got out. The Police and Health & Safety Executive have been notified and procedures will be put in place in due course. Philip promises to get to the bottom of it all and, when Oliver has gone, he calls Gavin. It goes to voicemail and Philip says “Gavin, where are you? Call me when you get this. The Investigation Report is in - it’s not good.” You can say that again. 

And so, a mere 1,852 words after we first spoke about understatement, ladies and gentlemen, let me present to you the new champion - let’s hear it for Mr. Philip Moss.

A Car For Your 18th Birthday? I Was Thrilled To Get A Card For Mine

Ben Norris (Ben Archer)

Youngsters today, eh? None of this ‘what would you like for your birthday, Ben?’ as he tells Rooooth, without her asking,  that he’s looking forward to getting a car for his 18^th next week. A rather surprised Rooooth says “Who says you’re getting a car?” and her son says that it’s a tradition - both Josh and Pip got wheels for their 18^ths . Later on in the week, David tries to explain that it has been a bad year, but Ben says “you guys!” and he knows that, on his birthday, there will be a new car waiting for him in the yard - they can’t fool him.

When David has another go at explaining what ’we can’t afford it’ means, Ben points out that they have spent a shedload of money on renovating the barn for hosting wedding celebrations. Meanwhile, Rooooth is getting earache from Pip, who says surely Ben will be getting a car? Rooooth explains (patiently) that they are at the limit of their overdraft and the money spent on the barn was in fact an investment for the future. Tell you what Rooooth, why not get Ben and Pip together in a room and bang their heads together while chanting the mantra ‘we can’t afford a car!’?

The saga of Freddie/Johnny/Lynda and the ‘is he or isn’t he dealing drugs?’ continues to grind on. Johnny tells Kirsty that Freddie is moving into No. 1 The Green with him and Hannah and he senses that she is unhappy with the situation (it was probably the fact that the ambient temperature dropped 10 degrees that tipped him off). He goes to see Kirsty and tells her that any suspicions she might have about Freddie are mistaken, but unfortunately he won’t tell her how he knows this for sure.

When asked, Freddie tells Johnny that things aren’t great at work - rumours are rife and Lynda cannot resist the odd dig every now and then. Johnny bites the bullet and goes to see Lynda to explain, as he is afraid that Freddie might lose his job. Lynda says that she knows what she saw, but Johnny says “Listen to me” and tells her about the hair loss pills and how scared he is that Freddie might lose his job. Lynda realises that she has messed up and tells Johnny that Freddie won’t lose his job. “I’ll put it right” she adds, saying that she has been a fool. “What have I done?” she asks, rhetorically. 

Shula arrives, to find a disconsolate Lynda practically in tears. Can Shula help? Lynda tells her that she has badly misjudged someone. Tearfully she says “I try to be helpful, to offer guidance, but I just end up putting my foot in it - I keep getting it so wrong.” Perhaps she should have those words engraved on a tile and carry it around with her and look at it at least twice a day?

It’s all very well for Lynda to say that she’ll put it right, but she is having trouble getting Freddie to listen - she talks to him, but he doesn’t give her the chance to explain, saying that she always has to be in the right. “Just back off and leave me alone” he says, before angrily leaving the kitchen.

To be honest, this whole storyline is getting on my nerves and it is so unnecessary - am I the only one who thinks that Johnny is being a tad over-sensitive (shorthand for ‘being such a prat’)? Johnny, there is no stigma attached to hair loss, even at the age of 21 - it could be a lot worse; you could have developed and spread the corona virus, or been arrested as a paedophile, but just do what Freddie suggested and get a close haircut and get on with what you are pleased to call your life.

I fear for the health of Philip Moss, who appears to be working an eight-day week, and seems incapable of turning down jobs. It doesn’t help that son Gavin appears to be a complete Div and, on receiving a phone call from ex-girlfriend Kelly, he rushes off to see her, believing that she wants to get back together. Sadly, she just wants him to get the rest of his stuff out of their flat and a subdued and chastened Gavin takes refuge in strong drink upon returning to Ambridge. 

This means that Gavin is not applying himself as he should towards the ever-mounting workload, but Philip gets a bit of his own back at the end of the week. There is a crisis at Grey Gables as a fractured soil pipe in the kitchen puts that room out of commission and it needs to be fixed quickly. Oliver has a problem, in that the company that he got in to diagnose the problem cannot come and fix it until three weeks after next Christmas, or similar. Never mind - give Philip Moss a call. Sadly, Phil has promised to take Kirsty away for a couple of days, or else his goolies are in the mangle. Oliver says never mind - he’ll find somebody else.

Wrong! Oliver rings again later - he cannot find anybody to do the job, but Phil goes over to Grey Gables to examine what needs to be done. He returns home to tell Gavin that the problem has been solved - Gavin and a couple of the lads can get the G-G job done over the weekend. Gavin is appalled - working on a Sunday; it would have been nice to have been consulted. Tough nuts, Gavin - you shouldn’t have shot off to see Kelly and then got totally smashed when you were rejected (again). I’m also a bit concerned about the developing friendship between Gavin and Emma. I know it’s irrational, but to be honest, he gives me the creeps.

The reason that Phil cannot do the G-G job is that he is taking Kirsty away for a couple of days. Thinking about it, he can’t be that busy as he took some time off to give a possible wedding venue the once-over. They go to view it (it’s an 18C roundhouse which only holds a few people) and Kirsty says “it’s perfect.” The final sentence of the week is Kirsty saying “We’re finally going on our mini break”. I just hope that she isn’t prematurely counting her chickens, as I have considerable affection for Phil and Kirsty (but not Gavin).

Let’s talk about the B@Ambridge. Robert Snell goes to the shop to get a paper. On the way he visits Lilian and Jolene at the pub and tries to apologise to Lilian for the ‘misunderstanding’ over Muppet’s recent visit. Lilian will not talk to him and, when Robert returns home, he tells his wife that he fears that the ReBulls’ campaign to boycott the pub has failed. Indeed, on Tuesday there is the launch of the revamped pub, with the attraction of free cocktails (one per person, we assume).

The place is heaving, and we are reliably informed that a number of locals have returned. As two of these are Nathan Booth and Hilary Noakes (neither of whom have speaking parts) we cannot vouch for the veracity of this statement, but even Lynda said (to Robert) that the evening had been a success, from what she heard.

Let’s return to our - ok, my - worries about the relationship between Emma and Gavin. On the re-launch of the pub, she is meeting Gavin in the bar and the pair are getting stuck into the cocktails. Ed comes into the pub and Gavin offers to buy him a drink, which Ed turns down. 

The cocktails are deceptively strong and Emma is more than a little tipsy (as the newt, it could be said, unkindly). Ed offers to walk her home, but she points out that her parents’ house (where she and the children are living) is only just up the road. Gavin says “don’t worry Ed - I’ll make sure she gets home.” Earlier on, Emma had told Gavin that he shouldn’t keep on pining for Kelly and, for her part, she’s going to put the past behind her and move on. When Ed asks about seeing Emma home (and having been rejected) Gavin says “You might be able to move on, Emma, but I’m not so sure about Ed.” Indeed, later on in the week, Em tells Ed that they should consider getting divorced. He says he’ll do whatever she wants.

Kirsty seems to have more than her fair share of worries about her forthcoming wedding; she was concerned when she thought Philip was lying about his whereabouts and was getting cold feet about getting married, whereas he was just sussing out the wedding venue - another case of 2 + 2= 5.

Another worry she has is whether or not to invite Tom to the engagement (but really a wedding reception) party. Why? What’s her problem? Tom abandoned her at the altar, and I don’t think that I would really give a toss and, rather than invite him, I’d prefer to stick pins in my eyes.

However, she goes to see Tom and broaches the subject. Tom is relieved, as he was afraid that she was going to insist that he came along (arrogant swine) and the pair agree that they are getting on ok and everything is fine. Kirsty notices that Tom is operating a metal detector and that he has a bandaged hand - what’s up? He confesses that he has lost the family heirloom ring that Natasha gave him and he is frantically trying to find it. The bandage is a ploy - he is telling people that he has cut his hand - and he borrowed the metal detector from Bert, which surprised me somewhat - I thought a Cribbage board was the limit of Bert’s technology. My money is on the ring being found in the cake that Tom is making for Natasha’s birthday (and their first wedding anniversary) on Sunday.

Let’s return to Freddie, who, as we said earlier, is moving in with Johnny and Hannah at No. 1 The Green. He is thrilled with having his own room, telling Johnny that this will be the first time in his life that he will not have a family member looking over his shoulder. Having said that, he was very complimentary to Auntie Shula, when he gave her about two hours’ notice that he was moving out of The Stables. For her part, Shula says that she will miss him and it was nice to have had someone to look after - the woman should be studying to be a saint, not just a vicar.

Freddie and Johnny are loading up with cans to celebrate Freddie’s moving in and, when Johnny says that Hannah is a real party animal, Freddie says “Great - we’re going to have so many parties!” I don’t know exactly how the house numbers are configured on The Green, but I would strongly advise the inhabitants of either numbers two or three - or indeed, even houses further away - to invest in some industrial specification ear defenders.

A Good Week For Kate, But Does Jakob Need His Head Tested?

Paul Venables (Jakob Hakansson)

For a change, let’s start with Sunday’s episode. Kate greets Lynda in the shop and congratulates her on her protest about the pub. However, Kate cannot understand how it hasn’t made the local press? Lynda (lying through her teeth) says that she was aware that “a cult of personality” was developing and, while Lynda was still personally opposed to the name change, she has withdrawn from active campaigning.

Later on, Kate tells Alice that she and Jakob are no longer an item. Kate admits that she was not pregnant and she feels guilty about what she put Jakob through. Alice is helping Kate assemble the latter’s new bed at The Lodge, but, on learning the news, she says, in effect, ‘sod the bed, let’s go to Grey Gables for a swim and a sauna, followed by a cocktail.’ And the bed? Chris can do that - and Alice reveals that, when she learned that Chris had (inadvertently) let slip about Kate’s (mistaken) pregnancy, she gave him a good tongue-lashing. And I should add that I don’t mean that in a good way.

Let’s fast forward to Wednesday, which is the day of Xander’s Naming Ceremony at Grey Gables. We learn that all three of Ian’s brothers (instead of the only-expected Sam) have turned up and Kate is concerned. Tracy says “so there’ll be two more for lunch?” and assures Kate that it will be fine and she will sort it. “We get this all the time” Tracy says. “You’re an angel” Kate says, and presumably Tracy goes off to look up ‘angel’ in the dictionary, as it’s probably not a word that she has heard that often.

The guests start to arrive, and Brian is among the first. He confides that he has been given a poem to read and wonders if there is time for a stiffener. Yes Brian, and you may be able to fit in a drink as well. I’m sorry that double entendres seem to be creeping into this blog - I will try to keep more control. 

Brian’s concern is the fact that Kate is organising the Ceremony and he is anticipating “Hippy nonsense - I fear we will probably have to weave flowers into each other’s hair.” There is a slight hiccup before the ceremony, when Adam and Ian tell Kate that they have decided that they would like Guide Parents for Xander. Sam has been chosen as one and the two parents wonder if Kate would consent to be the other? She is delighted and tells Brian to tell all the assembled guests that the ceremony will be delayed by 15 minutes, while he makes an announcement. I cannot help but think that, after the two additional lunch guests, the kitchen is going to be thrilled - especially if they have planned a soufflé for the first course.

As it turns out, the Ceremony is a great success, and, in answer to questions, Kate says that she has given Jakob his freedom and, anyway, today belongs to Xander, Ian and Adam and not her. Tracy has been trying to get Helen on her own, hoping to pick her brains regarding whether or not she (Tracy) should introduce her children to her new squeeze, Roman. My personal opinion is that what has Roman done to deserve this? But Helen’s advice is to take things slowly and casually.

The Naming Day seems eventful for people tying up loose ends, as Shula runs into Jim at Grey Gables - she’s surprised he is there, given his atheistic outlook. He is there for a swim and didn’t realise that it was Xander’s Naming Day. After the Ceremony, he and Shula have a coffee and she asks how is he doing? “Surprisingly well” he answers. 

We need to backtrack here, as, earlier in the week, Jim received a postcard from Michael - a fellow victim of Harold Jayston - which said “You loaded the gun and I fired it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart - Michael and family.” This confirms the theory that Michael was the whistleblower who outed Harold Jayston as a paedophile, and it transpired that other victims have leapt onto the bandwagon and joined in the tirade of abuse against HJ. Indeed, we learn that HJ’s grave has been vandalised, with a cross, marked with ‘Paedophile’ stuck into it. 

Back to the naming day. Jim tells Shula about HJ being outed, and he says that he wants to thank her - the advice she gave him allowed him to open up to Alistair and seek help. Like Michael, he says that she loaded the gun and he fired it and she deserves credit. He adds that he never appreciated her as a daughter-in-law, but now he considers her a friend. She asks if, in view of the compliment he has paid her, would he mind if she contributed to the Lent ‘Pay For a Compliment’ appeal? He says ‘no’, but Shula then goes further and asks if Jim will give her a hug? “All right then; just this once” her ex-father-in-law replies.

Just to wrap up the HJ story, Jim is in a quandary - now others have found the courage to denounce HJ, should he now go to the police? He decides not and Alistair and Jazzer (both of who Jim says were instrumental in helping him change his attitude when this all kicked off) agree that it is Jim’s decision. Jim thanks them both for their support and Alistair says, in a wondering voice, “Whatever happened to that man who couldn’t talk about his feelings?” “I think he’s come a long way.” Jim replies. Jazzer says that Jim has changed the world, which is tad hyperbolic.

Jakob’s crusade to slim down the horses at The Stables (and presumably increase his company’s profits at the same time) appears to be successful – Aziz has lost 13kg (he now weighs in at 520kg, in case you are interested). Lilian asks him, if everything is going so well, why is he so miserable? Jakob changes the subject and then goes to see Kate at Spiritual Home, saying “we need to talk.” He tells her that, when Kate thought she was pregnant, his first reaction was one of horror, but then he did some research and he came to realise that they could have coped “despite you being so disruptive.”

His life is one of order and routine, but the incident taught him that he can cope with the unexpected. He goes on: “By all rational analysis, we are totally incompatible, but I don’t care.” The old romantic goes further, saying that, given a choice of a life of anarchy with Kate, or a well-ordered, quiet life without her, he knows which one he wants. “I choose you, Kate, with all the disruption, insanity and fun…” but he is cut short when Kate throws her arms around him and drags him into the yurt.

Some time later, the pair talk and Kate says that she’s pleased to be back at The Lodge, rather than Jakob’s flat “as you are rather difficult to live with.” Jakob is amazed, saying “You turned my flat into a disaster zone.” She retaliates by telling him that all his systems were annoying – who on earth has a laundry basket with sub-divisions? “If you pre-sort, it saves time” is his answer and the pair indulge in some mock fighting.

Later on, Alistair is talking to Lilian and he tells her that Kate and Jakob are back as an item and he cannot understand it. “In every other aspect of his life, Jakob is like a robot, but with Kate, it’s like working with a teenager.”

Elsewhere, Roy is feeling very down – he tells Kirsty that his life seems to consist of boring admin (Kirsty has just given him some Health & Safety recommendations for the Health Club to read) and then he goes home to an empty house. Kirsty has a word with Philip and they agree to tell Roy of their plans for a secret wedding, followed by the Reception at the Brookfield barn (friends and family will be told that it is an engagement party, but they will have just got married). Roy asks why are they telling him this? Kirsty says because they want Roy to be their joint Best Man – will he accept? Roy is delighted and leaps at the chance. “Thank you!” he gushes, “That’d just what I need!” A word to the wise, Phil; Roy’s record in the Best Man stakes isn’t that successful, as he was supposed to be Tom Archer’s best man when Tom abandoned Kirsty at the altar.

Outside The Bull (sorry, The B@Ambridge) Lilian is proud of the new sign, which is a capital B and the @ symbol. She sees Lynda looking at it and asks if she is admiring it? “Admiring isn’t the right word” Lynda replies, tartly. Lilian then proceeds to pay Lynda lots of compliments, admiring her commitment, strength of purpose, community spirit and creative talent. “Others have said similar things” preens Lynda, to which Lilian says “That must be worth £20 at least for the Lent ‘Pay for a Compliment’ fund.” Lynda is scandalized – did Lilian say all that just to put the bite on Lynda? “Nobody said the compliments had to be sincere” Lilian replies, as Lynda pays up. “Aren’t you going to return the compliment?” Lilian asks. Lynda is incensed: “Are you mad? Absolutely not!” she replies.

On Friday, Oliver comes across Lynda and Robert, who are out with Muppet, the offspring of James (Lilian’s son) and Leonie (Robert’s daughter). They explain that James and Leonie are having a day at the races, leaving Muppet in the hands of the Snells. They have planned a full day, starting with a spell at the bird hide (Muppet was bored), followed by a session in an indoor play area, which gave Lynda a headache, finishing off with afternoon tea at the Tea Shop.

Lilian is at Grey Gables, waiting to meet someone, and Oliver mentions that he saw Robert and Lynda with young Muppet. Lilian is dumbstruck – she knew nothing of Muppet’s visit and she turns up at Ambridge Hall to confront Lynda; why didn’t she tell Lilian? Lynda says that she assumed James would have mentioned it to Lilian. “Don’t you speak to your son?” She asks, cuttingly. It turns out that Lilian does, as she rang James for an explanation. He said that when he spoke to Lynda, she said that Lilian was too busy with the pub rebranding to spend a day with her grandson. “How dare you use that just to spite me?” Lilian asks.

“That is an outrageous accusation,” Lynda retorts, “I would never be so petty” and adds that the fault is James’s, not hers. “How could you be so vile?” Lilian spits, adding: “This was a deliberate, spiteful act.” Lynda says, loftily, “If you believe anyone would use such a tactic, that says more about you than us.” “Shut up, you calculating harpy” is Lilian’s reply and Robert asks her to leave. Lilian does so, saying: “You have shown your true colours today, Lynda Snell, and I’m never going to forget it” as she slams the door. Robert suggests that it wouldn’t have hurt to mention Muppet’s visit to Lilian and Lynda comes over all defensive. “All in all, I think we could have handled this better” Robert adds, proving once again that, when it comes to understatement, he has no equal.

https://humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/