Eddie ‘The Grinch’ Grundy

Ewan Bailey (Roman Trench)

We could equally have entitled this episode ‘Ebenezer Grundy’ as Eddie was in full ‘bah, humbug’ mode on Sunday. He caught brother Alf sneaking away with bag packed (astonishingly without taking any valuables – not that the Grundys have many valuables). Eddie invites him to stay for Christmas, but Alf replies that he is a lone wolf and he doesn’t want to outstay his welcome, so he’ll be moving on. Alf and Eddie made a bit of money selling Joe’s old, rusty machinery for scrap and Alf tells his brother that he has left his share behind and Eddie and Clarrie are to treat themselves to something nice.

William and Edward automatically think that Alf and Eddie have had a bust-up and Eddie tells them off when they start bad-mouthing their uncle. Furthermore, he tells them that he hasn’t got time to go gathering holly and mistletoe and, if he had his way, Christmas would be cancelled. He even moans about the turkeys.

Never mind, Will and Ed can do the collecting (they’re both out of a job, after all) so off they go, with Eddie’s warning not to go mad ringing in their ears. While they are collecting, they wonder how they can make Christmas a bit more special and Ed comes up with a suggestion; “The Grundy World of Christmas”. In the past, this has included festive wreaths, mince pies and suchlike and they think it could be a nice little earner.

Excitedly, they run the idea past Eddie (who has already told them that they cut way too much holly and mistletoe) and it goes down like the proverbial lead balloon. They try to persuade Eddie, but he says he’d rather forget Christmas. “The Grundy World of Christmas belongs in the past – I don’t want any part of it” he tells his sons as he storms off. And a merry Christmas to you too, Eddie.

Things do get better later on in the week, as Thursday is Eddie and Clarrie’s wedding anniversary and they have booked up for the cabaret dinner at Grey Gables. The entertainment is a riot and the food superb and the wine flows freely. Emma is also there and goes over to say hello. Clarrie tells her about Will and Ed’s idea and Emma thinks it sounds great – he’s got to do it; the kids will love it. Eddie is still not convinced, but when he and Clarrie return home (a bit on the tipsy side) their breath is taken away by the sight of dozens of wreaths and suchlike that Ed, Will and Poppy have made while Eddie and Clarrie were out. Eddie agrees that GWofC is a good idea, but there is a problem – with Joe gone, who can they get to play Santa Claus? Eddie can’t do it – so who will?

Lily is in a dilemma – should she tell Johnny about the photo of Bella kissing some strange man, or not? Eventually she decides that he deserves to know the truth, so she goes to see him, albeit with some trepidation. His reaction is that the photo isn’t very clear and he quickly becomes angry, telling Lily that she has made a mistake and it’s only a kiss. Lily, who should really just have said ‘OK then’, wonders if this is the first time that Bella has done this – how does Johnny know that she didn’t spend the night with this man?

This makes Johnny really angry and he tears into Lily, telling her that she has already stolen someone else’s husband. “You’ve destroyed one relationship,” he rants, adding; “and now you’re trying to destroy mine. You’re a home-wrecker Lily – leave me and Bella alone!” Talk about shooting the messenger!

What makes it worse for Lily is that she feels that she cannot betray Johnny’s trust, even though her behaviour is affecting her relationship with Russ. Of course, she does eventually tell Russ what happened and he is appalled at what Johnny said. He tells Lily that it was him and not her that broke up his marriage and he would never feel guilty about falling in love with her. It’s time to stop all these recriminations and get on with their lives. “From now on it’s just you and me” Russ tells her.

Talking of Russ, Elizabeth seems to be having a number of heart-to-hearts with him, and the latest one concerns the proposed ghost stories in the attic, read by professor Jim Lloyd, which Elizabeth has imaginatively named ‘Ghost Stories In The Attic, read by [you’re ahead of me here, aren’t you?] ‘professor Jim Lloyd’. Russ thinks this is a spot-on title, and, in the modern cliché, I suppose it does what it says on the tin (oh, the power of advertising). 

Lizzie then says that she thought it would be a good idea if they had some publicity (it would presumably be better than leaving Jim alone in the attic with no audience) but, when she mentioned it, Jim just refused to consider going on the radio, or anything else. Lizzie is confused, but Russ says that Jim is a flake - remember all the trouble they had on the committee to decide the St. Stephen’s Art Project? Russ says that Jim was “obstreperous” and he walked out on them. Perhaps he needs direction, Lizzie suggests, and thinks that Russ would be the ideal person to take the job on - after all, he has an artistic bent and she hasn’t got the time. Russ eventually agrees, but I can’t help thinking that there will be artistic differences between the pair and, as Elizabeth told Russ “I can’t afford ‘Ghost Stories’ to be another failure.”

The week began with Leonard wanting to talk to David. Without going into the reasons why, Leonard thinks that Jill wants him to propose. Having had one misunderstanding, Leonard finally gets David to realise what he is getting at - so how would David feel about it? The answer is, he hadn’t thought about it and needs time to consider it. Leonard makes it plain that he doesn’t want to muscle in on Phil’s memory and would like the family’s reaction, were he to propose. 

David sounds out various siblings and children, and the average reaction is ‘good for her’ and ‘go for it gran.’ David feels otherwise - to him it seems like Phil has just left the table, or gone out on the farm, but, as David himself observes, Phil has been gone ten years. One also suspects that David might not want to lose a good cook and household help - or am I being cynical? As it turns out, it doesn’t matter, as David eventually tells Leonard that he has the family’s blessing, should he want to propose. 

Leonard thanks David, and, thereafter, it all descends into farce. Jill and Leonard have been out for a drive and David comes into the Brookfield kitchen to find Jill taking off her rings. “Let me give you a hug” he says, then; “I assume you said ‘yes’?” Jill asks what is he talking about? She’s removed her rings because she wants to make shortbread “And what exactly am I supposed to have said ‘yes’ to?” she asks. The story comes out and Jill says that she never wanted Leonard to propose, fond as she is of him. At this juncture, Leonard comes in from the sitting room, apologising for having dozed off.

What loose ends have we left? The Rewilding of Ambridge project seems to be grinding to a halt - the PPR (Phoebe, Pip and Rex) consortium is a long way short of the 60% acreage commitment that they need to secure the first tranche of money from Peggy’s trust. The three have a meeting and Phoebe suggests that they are going about this all wrong - instead of trying to get a few acres here and some more there, perhaps they should go for another strategy and try and get two-or-three hundred acres from one source; time is running out. 

She has identified some land owned by BL and thinks if they can convince the BL Board about rewilding, it would be in the bag. How to reach the Board? “I’ll go and butter up my granddad” Phoebe says. Unfortunately, Brian (granddad) says that it would be inappropriate if he were to plead their case and he cannot help, so an increasingly-disconsolate Phoebe pours out her heart to Auntie Lilian, who, to Phoebe’s delight and relief, says that she will have a word with Justin, but she warns her niece that she will have to choose her moment carefully and not to be impatient.

Justin is having his own troubles - he is trying to get planning permission for a development, but is being thwarted by ecological opponents, so he’s somewhat distracted, Eventually, Lilian pins him down and suggests he consider it for BL. To her surprise, he agrees to listen to Phoebe and says that PPR should present their ideas to the BL Board and they are meeting next Tuesday at 11am - can they make it? You bet they can. “I look forward to seeing you in the Boardroom” Justin says. And I bet I wasn’t the only one to add ‘where at least one of you will be fired.’

Joy Horville took some homemade jam to Pat, as a ‘thank you’ to Tony, who not only cleaned her MG’s fuel pump, but gave the car a full service, resprayed it and gave the engine a thorough overhaul (not all of those are true). Joy tells Pat that Tony is a lovely man and she should cherish him. Pat finds that she is getting on OK with Joy and invites her in for a cup of tea.

Let’s go back to the hilarious evening of the cabaret dinner at Grey Gables. Tracy rang Emma up a couple of hours before it began, inviting her to accompany her for the meal. Emma wasn’t keen, and questioning revealed that Tracy had been let down by the man she had invited (Demetrios, from Corfu and the kitchen). Emma eventually agrees. 

Afterwards, Tracy and  Sgt Burns (who was also at the dinner with Fallon) decide to go to the bar, where one of the actors in the cabaret is drinking. Apparently he had been winking at Tracy throughout and, when they introduced themselves, it was obvious that it was not Harrison that he was interested in. Emma realises that SgtB is being a bit of a gooseberry and drags him away, leaving Roman (the actor) and Tracy alone.

The pair are getting along fine and Roman suggests that she could show him the sights of the village (like that’s going to take any time - he’s already seen Grey Gables). He offers to buy her a drink - what would she like? “I’m completely in your hands, Roman” Tracy answers - and I’d be willing to bet that that’s not the first time she has uttered that phrase.

Do What Mummy Tells You, Tony

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

We have noted in the past that Peggy can be a bit of a tyrant when she puts her mind to it, and that the person on the receiving end is, more often than not, son Tony. She was at it again last week when the Archer clan gathered at The Bull to mark Peggy’s 95^th birthday. Also there was Joy Horville, who was sitting on her own - it appears that the much-heralded visit of super-daughter Rochelle and her wunderkinds didn’t happen - and Peggy feels a pang of sympathy for her.

So, does Peggy go over and make conversation? Not exactly; instead she tells Tony that he ought to apologise to Joy for going off on one when she criticised his flyer, which depicted a graphic photograph of a heifer with severe internal damage, caused by the metal frame of a sky lantern. He told Joy, in no uncertain terms that the countryside is not all about cuddly lambkins, but can be bloody and cruel, as well as being hard work. Rather taken aback, Joy backed off and was upset. 

Tony would rather eat a sky lantern himself than apologise to Joy, but Peggy is relentless, going on at him all the time. In the end, he capitulates and goes over to see Joy. For heaven’s sake man - you will be 69 next February; isn’t it about time you grew a pair and stood up to your mother?

To his surprise, when he says ’sorry’ to Joy, she says that it is she who should be apologising, as she jumped the gun and went off without thinking it through. “It’s water under the bridge” Tony tells her and they have a friendly conversation. Tony is further surprised when he realises that Joy is, in fact, quite a nice person when you get to know her. As for her, she says “thank you Tony - you’ve really cheered me up no end.” This last remark was overheard by Kate, who says, teasingly, “Uncle Tony, what was all that about?” Kate then adds that she hopes that Pat didn’t see him and Joy together “You’ve put a spring in Joy’s step, that’s for sure” his niece adds.

We have further evidence that Joy is a kind person when she agrees to have one of Hilda’s kittens after seeing a video on Kate’s phone. I do wonder whether we are being set up for a scandal as, later in the week, Tony stops beside a broken-down car to see if he can help. It is Joy and, to his delight, she is driving an MG Midget. “I’ve got one of those!” he says, excitedly and offers to tow Joy’s car to Bridge Farm, where he can have a look at it and, hopefully, fix it. Will romance blossom under an opened bonnet? I suppose an old MG makes a change from etchings.

On her birthday, Peggy says that she was contacted by the Borsetshire Echo, who would like to run a special feature ‘At home with Peggy Woolley’ Tony wonders why and Joy told him it’s because she is a local celebrity - just look at the money her Trust is giving to the rewilding project. This gives Tony food for thought and he decides to make some checks.

So it is that he turns up at The Lodge on Friday with some rather disturbing news - he spoke to the Editor of the Echo, who told him that nobody of the name that Tony told him works for the paper. Tony tells his mother that the publicity surrounding Peggy’s Trust has made Peggy a target for scammers and thieves and the man was obviously trying to get access to the house to check on what he could steal. 

Peggy is alarmed - she never considered it was a scam, or that she would be taken in, but Tony reminded her about Chris, who lost over £50k a year or two back. What can they do? Tony has the idea of going back through the phone’s call log and he obtains the man’s mobile number (they always make one mistake, don’t they?). It goes to voicemail and Tony leaves a message, saying that they know the man is not a journalist and he had better keep away. Oh yes; and they have given this number to the police. Wouldn’t it have been better and more public-spirited if they had allowed the man to turn up for his appointment with Peggy, only to find the place crawling with policemen?

At Brookfield, Leonard is getting his feet well and truly under the table. And not just the table; Jill has an accident in the kitchen and has a fall. David is all for taking her to A&E, but Leonard offers to take her, as he knows David is busy. This is in fact what happens and the pair spend a lengthy day at the hospital, where Jill’s wrist is x-rayed. It turns out to be a nasty sprain and the hour is late when they get back to the farm.

Leonard says he had best be off home, but Jill protests that he was yawning in the car and it’s a long drive, so why doesn’t he stay the night? Steady on Jill - but it’s not what it seems, as Jill adds that she is sure that either Josh or Ben would give up their room (not without putting up a fight, I’d bet). The matter is settled when Jill says “David - you’ll lend Leonard a pair of pyjamas, won’t you?” 

A few days later, David is on to the phone to Elizabeth and he complains that Leonard has as good as moved in - he arrives early in the morning and leaves late at night and is doing cooking and cleaning and generally looking after Jill all day long (she has been forbidden from doing any household chores and has her wrist in a sling until told otherwise by the doctor). David tells his sister that he feels like a stranger in his own house and “she’s our mum and we’re capable of looking after her ourselves.” Elizabeth (presumably not enamoured of the prospect of running over from Lower Loxley every time Jill fancies a cuppa) makes the point that, if Jill is happy, then it’s surely up to her? David makes one last attempt to make Lizzie see reason, saying “But he’s helping her with her clothes; doing up her buttons - and [pause] things.” David, surely the time to get worried is when Leonard starts undoing her buttons and her things?

There was drama in the Grundy household when Lilian inadvertently let slip to Mia that Will had given up his job and, as a result, had lost the tenancy of Greenwood cottage. Mia is not best pleased at not having been told and turns on Will, who is in despair at having blown his relationship with his stepdaughter once again. Clarrie talks to Mia, who says that she can never go home now. Clarrie tells her that the cottage is only bricks and mortar and what’s more important are Mia’s memories and the fact that she has her loving family round her. This obviously had the desired effect as, a couple of days later, Will and Mia are having a last look round Greenwood before leaving for the last time. The pair reminisce about things they did there when Nic was alive and Will breaks down in tears, saying to Mia that he is so sorry about losing the house. She tells him it is OK - as Clarrie said, the house is only bricks and mortar, and Mia has her memories.

Elizabeth has decided that there should be another attraction to add alongside Deck the Halls and that is to tell Victorian ghost stories, up in the attic, along with the cobwebs, creaky floorboards and dust sheets (all to add atmosphere). She envisages an audience of around 20 at a time and the room lit by candles. She asks Jim Lloyd if he could research some stories for her and he is only too pleased to do so. He asks her if she’d like to hear one and, when he has finished, Elizabeth is all over goose pimples - she was terrified (but in a nice way).

Elizabeth was going to hire an actor to read, but says that Jim is perfect for the part. He protests that he is not a performer, but she reminds him of his role in the Canterbury Tales and his years spent lecturing. Jim still demurs, but then Lizzie utters the magic words “I’ll pay you, of course” and Jim changes his mind, especially when she says that he can have mulled wine and mince pies for each show. Hang on Elizabeth - sod Jim Lloyd; I’ll do it and you can keep the mince pies, as I don’t particularly like them. Toss in a glass of whisky instead of mulled wine (or as well as - I’m not proud) and I’m your man.

While we are at Lower Loxley, we should look in on Lily and Russ. Lily has been a bit discontented recently and Russ is trying to make amends by getting on with his divorce. He and Elizabeth have a heart-to-heart and Russ tells her that he feels a bit isolated - Lily has her family and her new friends at work, while he sits in the gallery all day, with strangers popping in every now and then. He’s given up a lot for Lily, who he loves very much, but he’s finding the mechanics of the divorce, such as splitting up the assets, “very intrusive.”

Towards the end of the week, Lily is looking at photos sent by her friend Imogen of Freddie’s party. Russ, looking over her shoulder, comments on one photo of her and Johnny, looking very cosy. Lily tells him he has no need to worry, as Johnny is besotted with his girlfriend Bella, who he believes is ‘The One’ for him. She continues to look at her phone and suddenly announces that she’s going out. Russ asks what has he done now? Lily replies that she has other things than him on her mind and she has to go out. As she leaves, a puzzled Russ cries out “Am I still in the doghouse, or not?”

‘Out’ for Lily means dragging Freddie away from his job (he is julienning - if indeed there is such a word - carrots, in case you are interested) and Lily shows him one of Imogen’s photographs. It is of Bella and a man, whose face is obscured and it’s obvious that they know each other very well. “Perhaps it’s an innocent kiss” Lily suggests “Have you seen where his hand is?” her twin replies.

Lily says that Johnny believes Bella is the one for him and Freddie says how can she be if she’s behaving like that? What should they do? “Tell Johnny, of course” Freddie answers. “How? It will break his heart” Lily says.

Undoubtedly we will learn how next week, but I am wondering ‘who?’ Let’s think - the incident took place in The Bull. Bella works behind the bar there. Who else works behind the bar at the pub? It’s obviously someone Bella knows. Also, someone who is attractive to women and someone who has previous when it comes to hitting on other men’s girlfriends and - let’s be honest - has the morals of an alley cat. Nope, I can’t think of anyone, although the initials ‘TF’ keep floating into my mind. It can’t be Tom Forrester, as he’s dead - it’s a black mystery and I hope this blog gets posted before we learn the identity of the mystery kisser.

Lily Lays Down The Law

Katie Redford (Lily Pargetter)

At Lower Loxley, Lily is feeling unsettled- she has been talking to Johnny, who tells her that Bella (his girlfriend) is perfect and he loves her to bits. “But how do you know?” Lily asks. “You just do” he answers, unhelpfully. Lily wonders why Russ isn’t getting on with his divorce from Lara. “It’s complicated” he tells her, but he won’t elaborate, saying only “I need you to trust me, Lily - please?”

Lily’s trust takes a strange form - she phones Freddie and tells him she needs him to give her a lift that evening. “Where are we going?” Freddie asks, but his twin will not tell him, only that it is important. The pair end up sitting in the car outside a house that Lily says is Lara’s. Lily has knocked on the door but nobody answered, so they sit and wait. Eventually, a woman turns up and lets herself in and Lily is out of the car like a shot and into the house. She emerges some time later and, when Freddie asks how she got on, she tells him to drive. “Just drive” she says angrily when he continues to question her.

Next day, Lily is sweeping up leaves and Russ says they need to talk - Lily was so angry yesterday. She retorts that she is still angry; why didn’t Russ tell her how young Lara was (she’s about 26)? Russ says it’s irrelevant - he doesn’t just fancy young women and he loves Lily. She also mentions that Lara wasn’t - as Russ suggested - very fragile, but Lara said that she didn’t really miss Russ at all and was seemingly very positive. Russ says to Lily that perhaps they should go out for a dinner tonight? Lily replies that it’s Freddie’s party at the Stables and, when Russ asks what time should they get there, she says that, as most of Freddie’s friends are ex-students of the college, they might be freaked out by seeing their ex-Deputy Head there.

At Freddie’s party, Lily and Johnny get absolutely slaughtered and, again, the talk turns to how you know you are in love. Johnny says that the best thing is to imagine that the other person is no longer around - how would you feel? Johnny has promised Eddie that he would give his hangover cure a trial and he suggests that Lily tries some too. “It’s absolutely disgusting” she says, which I suspect is about par for the course when you are dealing with something made by the Grundys. Suffice it to say that Johnny never made it to The Bull to see Bella and he spent the night on Shula’s sofa. We learn the following day that Lily spent the night (second night in a row) in Freddie’s bedroom at Lower Loxley. Russ rings a (very hungover) Lily and says they should meet at 1pm at their favourite café. Lily, who just wants to go to sleep, eventually agrees and the lovers meet, despite Lily’s raging hangover.

Lily tells Russ what Johnny said about how you can tell if you love someone and he asks her if she wants him to move out of their room? She says “no” - she couldn’t imagine life without Russ. He is relieved, but she says that “I need you to be open with me, Russ.” He agrees and Lily goes in for the kill, when she adds: “I need you to divorce Lara and I need you to do it now.” I think that Russ might be getting the message, Lily, but keep at it.

But let’s go back to the hangover cure - after the cock-up last week when guinea pig Jazzer was so drunk that he was in no fit state to try it, what happened this week, when Eddie persuaded Johnny to give it a go after Freddie’s party and, maybe, enlist a few other volunteers. As we said a couple of paragraphs ago, Johnny and Lily certainly gave it a good go and just managed to drink it before they passed out. 

The following day, Eddie was jubilant when Johnny rang him and said that he woke up at 6 am with a totally clear head - Eddie was exceedingly smug and went off to find Ed and tell him the news. Is this the turning point in the Grundys’ fortunes? Have they discovered the Mother Lode? Well, be honest - what do you think? It turns out that, while Johnny had a clear head, everybody else just wanted to crawl into a dark room and die. Nevertheless, Eddie was very chipper - as he told Clarrie, “At least it worked on Johnny, so all it needs is a little tweak and then everything will be fine.” Clarrie laughs and tells Eddie that he sounds just like his dad - why was she laughing and not crying?

Rex is not a happy bunny (Toby tells Rosie he’s “uncle grumps”) and Rex eventually reveals that he’s not as OK with Anisha marrying someone else as he pretended. Toby does his best to cheer his brother up and asked Josh to find Rex a trailer for his pigs at a decent price, which he did, which begs the question; if Toby’s so efficient, how come he’s bloody useless when it comes to his own business dealings?

A quick digression into cheese here - Helen has been contacted by a national wholesaler (and I’m sorry, but I cannot resist the cliché of ‘a big cheese in the cheese world’) who may be interested in her Borsetshire Blue. Helen is on tenterhooks the day of the visit and is spooked when Johnny turns up, saying that they have got a seriously ill heifer and she should call Alistair asap. The Big Cheese arrives as Alistair is operating in the field with blood everywhere (the heifer has swallowed a piece of a sky lantern and this is post Halloween). Anyway, he loves the farm and the cheese and he will e-mail his terms tomorrow.

Oliver is feeling guilty, as he and Tracy are on very formal terms (‘Mr Sterling’ and ‘Ms Horrobin’) and Oliver hates it. On a ride out with Shula, he says why can’t there be a platonic friendship  between a man and a woman - the same as there is between him and Shula? He thinks that people might be snobbish about it because of the “disparity in our circumstances” (that‘s Oliver and Tracy, not him and Shula). Shula says that, if Oliver is happy being friends with Tracy, then Caroline would want that. 

He agrees, and tells Tracy that he’d like a word. “Yes, Mr Sterling” she says and goes on to say that she realises that she’s still in her probationary period and she’ll leave without causing any trouble. Oliver says that, far from sacking her, he wants to apologise “for valuing idle tittle-tattle above our friendship” - He’s behaved badly. “Well, you have been a bit of a prat” Tracy tells him, but Oliver corrects her, saying “More than a bit - I’ve been a complete prat” and asks if they could go back to how they were? Tracy says that they could start again and they introduce themselves to each other and harmony is restored.

So now we move on to the week’s main event, which is, of course, the sending off of Joe. There is a potential problem, in that Joe’s Wake is being held in the Tea Room and Jim promised Joe that he would play at his Wake, but the Tea Room holds horrific memories for Jim, as it was there that he came face to face with his childhood abuser - can he face it? Alistair suggests that they go there for a recce - Fallon has said that sales of chocolate flapjacks have plummeted since Jim has stayed away - and if Jim feels uncomfortable, they can leave. He decides he can deal with it.

Clarrie is a bit worried about how they will pay for the Wake, but The Bull has a scheme called “One for Joe” which invites people who buy a drink to buy another one ’for Joe.’ This proves popular (presumably especially with Alf, who never buys his own drinks anyway) and we eventually learn that it has raised enough to pay for the food and drinks. Emma has a suggestion - Joe loved Steak & Kidney pudding, so should they (Fallon and Emma) produce some miniature puds for the Wake? Clarrie is touched.

We are spared details of the burial service and (thank God) spared details of Bert Fry’s ode to Joe, although Rex did offer some sneak previews of the rhyming couplets that he said Bert was continually spouting - and no, I have no intention of repeating any of them here, as you’ve never done me any harm. Let’s just say that Joe is probably spinning in his grave as he listens to Bert‘s ‘tribute’. As an example, Bert tried to rhyme ‘cider’ with ‘Ambridge’.

The Wake is held in the Tea Room and is a roaring success - the mini S&K puddings go down well and Clarrie tells Emma that Joe would have eaten all of them, which would have been a good trick at your own Wake. It is soon time for Jim to produce his party piece - Jim has assured Jazzer that he has memorised the tune, but his mind goes blank and he is very apologetic. Never mind - Lilian to the rescue - who fancies a proper drink at The Bull?

The answer to this is ‘everybody’ and soon there is a party in full swing, with drinking games (members of the Cider Club have to propose notable incidents in its history and - in a homage to Joe - everyone has to be addressed in true Joe Grundy style by Christian name and surname; for example ‘Lilian Bellamy’ or ‘Edward Grundy’).

Back at the Tea Room, Emma tells Clarrie that she’ll slip off home, as she doesn’t want to intrude or upset Ed. Clarrie is aghast and says that, earlier that day, Ed was saying how made up Joe would have been to witness Emma’s efforts today. Emma says that she’d love to raise a glass to Joe and the two of them decide to go down to The Bull together.

At The Bull, Jazzer has brought along a bottle of Tumble Tussock cider, which is served in shot glasses, as it’s the only bottle. Eddie sees a man he can’t quite recognise, but it turns out he’s from The Queen pub at Hollerton (where they met Gaz; Carmen’s son - do try and keep up) and Eddie reads out a telegram, saying ‘all best wishes from the Queen’. Lilian, who has had considerably more than a sniff of the barmaid’s apron, is amazed, until Eddie explains that  this queen is a pub. Alf, who, amazingly, is still upright, says that Joe always wanted to get his telegram.

Meanwhile, Jim Lloyd starts playing the piano - he has remembered Joe and Susan’s special tune, and plays it, to much acclaim. Clarrie whispers to Emma “We’ve done Joe proud” and Emma says “it’s funny, but I’ve enjoyed today.” The week ends with a triumphant Jim - in true Cider Club tradition - offering a toast to “Mr. Joseph Grundy!” while we hear Eddie whisper to himself “To dad.”

Chris Marks Jakob’s Card

Paul Venables (Jakob Hakansson)

You will be delighted to know that the rift between Kate and Jakob was healed last week. Kate was driving sister Alice demented – she was all over her younger sister like a cheap suit and not leaving her alone for a second. Kate was saying what great fun it is to have all this bonding time together and Alice has to remind her that she (Alice) does have a job to go to and cannot spend every waking moment with Kate.

The final straw comes when Kate suggests that they both get matching tattoos and Alice tells Jolene that “there’s only so far that I’m prepared to go to humour Kate’s mid-life crisis – she needs a man and I know which one.” When Kate goes to the loo, Alice hot foots it over to Jakob’s place of work and tells him he’s got to go and see Kate and tell her how he feels – now - as Alice is fed up being used as a Jakob substitute and would like her life back.

Jakob does as he is told and Kate doesn’t make it easy for him, but she eventually accepts his apology. “Are we still together?” he asks. “Of course” Kate replies. Chris congratulates Jakob on ‘joining the family’ and then proceeds to fill him in about the Aldridges, predicting that Jennifer and Brian will want him to go round for dinner so that they can inspect him. Jakob says that he doesn’t want to go and they can’t make him go, surely? “Don’t say I didn’t warn you” says Chris. He then tells Jakob that he always felt that Jennifer didn’t think he was good enough for Alice, but they got round this by getting married in Las Vegas.

Spookily, Jakob’s phone rings – it’s Kate, who tells him that they have been invited to dinner by her parents and she feels they should get it over with, or else Jenny will be banging on for weeks. Chris says “This won’t be like any dinner party you’ve been to” and he offers to give Jakob some pointers “because I reckon you’re going to need them.” These tips include what not to mention (top of this list is the recent contamination at Low Mead) and it’s probably a good idea to steer away from farming altogether.

Friday evening arrives and Jenny has made a supreme effort to make Jakob feel at home by preparing a Swedish feast, including a drink made from the sap of Swedish birch trees (“all the tourists buy that” Jakob says). Brian seems to have his Scandinavian countries mixed up and the conversation flows like concrete. Does Jakob like cricket? No – does Brian like ice hockey? Jenny has to go and attend to Xander (Adam and Ian are away at a wedding) and he won’t stop crying. In desperation, Jenny passes the baby to Kate (she has to go off and baste the reindeer or something) and Kate passes the baby to Jakob. Xander stops crying immediately and everybody is mightily impressed. Jakob confesses that this is the first time he has held a baby and Kate says dreamily “there’s something very attractive about a man holding a baby.” “Do you think so?” Jakob asks. “Definitely” she replies. Be afraid Jakob – be very afraid.

‘Afraid’ is a good way to describe how Robert Snell is feeling on Halloween – he and Jim have gone to the bird hide to get away from the Trick or Treaters and Jim introduces Robert to the M. R. James test, which involves reading one of the master’s creepy stories in a room lit by a single candle, in a chair facing away from the door and you are not allowed to do anything until you have finished the story.

Jim then makes up his own ghost story and scares the willies out of Robert, who says he has to go home – he doesn’t like the thought of Lynda being on her own with Trick or Treaters roaming the streets. In fact, he is terrified and, when he does get home, he tells Lynda to stop asking him questions about what he and Jim were discussing. The doorbell rings and, in what seems to be a highly improbable scenario, Robert begs Lynda not to answer it. Why ever not? “Because you never know what might be out there” Robert answers, dramatically. Get a grip, man!

Poor Joe Grundy isn’t yet interred and Alf is becoming obsessed with the possible legacy suggested by the letter from the mysterious Carmen, referring to the fortune that they could make. But just who is Carmen? Alf says that he will hang around until he finds the answer and an alarmed Eddie (who thought that Alf would sod off after the funeral) reluctantly agrees to help his brother, realising that otherwise Alf could be around for weeks, months, or years. Eddie puts out feelers and it turns out that Jolene has heard of a Carmen performing in a pub (the Queen at Hollerton), so Eddie and Alf take a trip out there.

It turns out that Carmen is a drag act (‘Carmen Haveago’ - oh, how we laughed) and he/she takes the mick out of Alf while camping it up. Alf is annoyed, so Eddie goes to see Carmen afterwards and finds out that Carmen’s real name is Gaz (if indeed that is a real name). However, Gaz’s mother’s name is Carmen and Eddie has arranged for himself and Alf to call on her tomorrow.

Carmen is a prickly character and less than welcoming to the Grundy boys, but she eventually invites them in and they have a drink to Joe’s memory. Carmen laughs when Alf suggests she and Joe were having an affair and says that they were just kindred spirits. For ‘kindred spirits’, read ‘piss artists’ and it seems the accent was very much on the ‘spirits’. Their great discovery was a hangover cure and, after getting the Grundys to sign a paper promising half of any profits to Carmen. She gives them the secret recipe. Alf declares it a waste of time but Eddie’s not so sure and ropes in son Edward to help him assemble the ingredients, all of which sound disgusting. So disgusting in fact that neither of them can bear the thought of tasting the concoction and yet they need a guinea pig. Ed has a lightbulb moment and we hear him on the phone to Jazzer, asking the Scotsman if he fancies a session down at The Bull tonight?

You will not be astonished to learn that Jazzer is well up for it; even more so when he realises that Ed and Eddie will be paying for the lion’s share of the drink. Jazzer enthusiastically throws himself into the role of guinea pig and, as Ed watches drink after drink disappear down Jazzer’s throat, he mutters “this is going to cost us a fortune.”

Come closing time, Jazzer is completely out of it and has to be helped home by the two Grundys, who beg him to be quiet. They get him inside and it’s now time to administer the miracle cure, but the trouble is that, so drunk is Jazzer that he is unconscious and nothing seems able to wake him up. This is a blow, as the cure has to be taken the same night that the drink is consumed, so it would appear that Ed and Eddie have spent a lot of money to no avail. Still, Jazzer seemed to enjoy it; before he passed out, that is.

Despite this setback, Eddie can see the funny side of the evening and muses about what Joe would have thought about the whole episode – Eddie can imagine him looking down and chuckling (given Joe’s past, I reckon looking up would be more like it) and Eddie vows to pursue the idea, saying “Don’t worry dad – we won’t give up on your hangover cure – this is just the beginning.”

It wasn’t a very good week for Freddie – Shula is writing her autobiography as part of the pre-ordination process and Freddie keeps dropping not-very-subtle hints about how he would like to read it, as he is intrigued about what Shula did in her life when she was younger. Shula makes it plain that it is a private document for the church’s eyes only

So what does Freddie do? He reads his aunt’s draft and, in the pub later, he asks Kenton for further details about some of the incidents. Kenton wonders how Freddie came across these details and, in the end, Freddie tells him about reading the autobiography, but begs his uncle not to tell Shula. Kenton doesn’t actually do so, but, when he is on the phone to his twin, he asks her lots of questions about their childhood and adolescence and it quickly becomes apparent that he has been given inside information by somebody.

Shula is, by turns, angry that Freddie went against her express wishes and very disappointed that he did so after all she has done for him since he was sent down for dealing – she feels very let down and shuts herself in her room, telling Freddie to go away when he comes to apologise. Freddie is very sorry and says he feels terrible about what he has done. 

This is typical of Freddie – he blunders around, not thinking that his actions might have unfortunate consequences; in fact, not thinking full stop. “I’m such an idiot!” he wails, and five million listeners nod in agreement. After much grovelling, Shula accepts his apology (pity, really, as I reckon he was this close to ritually disembowelling himself) but makes it very plain that he has betrayed her trust and that she is very, very hurt.

If you cast your mind back a few weeks, you may recall Toby telling Helen about his idea for making milk gin, using the whey left over from making cheese. Last week, Toby spent a fair amount of time keeping out of Helen’s way and not answering her calls, as he has made a fundamental error in his calculations and costings and left a zero off somehow. As such, milk gin is a non-starter (and a good job too, if you ask me – it sounds worse than Joe’s hangover cure).

Kenton observes that Toby cannot avoid Helen for ever and he should be a man about it, so Toby metaphorically girds up his loins and tells Helen the bad news. To his surprise, she is perfectly OK about it – amused even – and makes a joke about it. Now, what can we learn from this incident? Firstly, we should ask ourselves how come Toby, who was a banker in the City, doesn’t seem capable of adding up figures correctly (although this would explain the financial mess we were in a few years ago) and, secondly, from Helen’s reaction, it seems perfectly obvious that, deep down, she never really expected the scheme to come to fruition, anyway, in keeping with so many more of Toby’s bright ideas.