The Cat Whisperer

Jackie Lye (Joy Horville)

Last week we had proof that a good number of people in Ambridge aren’t quite the full ticket as Joy Horville came up with an idea for finding the still-missing Hilda Ogden – the idea is to talk to the various cats and dogs in the village and ask them if they’ve seen Hilda and could they ask her to return home, please? Not, you will have noticed, talk to the owners, but to the animals themselves.

It is at this stage that any sane person would make an excuse and leave, while at the same time making sure that there are no sharp objects within reach, and Tony demonstrates that he is at least partly sane by rubbishing the scheme in front of Joy. Pat tries, unsuccessfully, to get him to shut up, and then she plays a really mean trick on her husband – when Joy points out that she doesn’t know who in Ambridge are the pet owners, Pat volunteers Tony to take Joy round the village and introduce her to those with cats (and dogs – it would appear that cat whispering is multi-lingual). Pat says that she would do it, but she has to be in the shop all day and she’s checked and there’s nothing in the diary for Tony. Had he been a bit of a quick thinker, he could have said that he was unexpectedly washing his hair, but he found himself done up like a kipper.

The first person he talks to about the plan is Lilian and, when she says that there could be something in the idea and that Ruby, her dog, understands her every word, Tony realises that the world has gone mad and Ambridge should be renamed ‘Crazyville’ or something similar. Joy’s next ‘customer’ is Shula, who does have a hard time getting her head round the whole idea and is bemused when Tony suggests that Joy talks to the horses.

Then there is Tracy’s cat, Buster, who is a bit of a slob and spends all his time inside, watching TV, causing Tony to observe that he never goes out, so how can he contact Hilda? Joy also meets Freddie, who shows her Catto, a stray that appears to have adopted him. Joy kneels down beside the cat and engages it in an earnest – albeit one-way – conversation. Tony is heard to mutter that, if Hilda continues to stay away, she would be doing everyone a big favour.

Anyway, whether it is down to Joy’s cat whispering or not, Hilda turns up in The Lodge garden, accompanied by a white cat. She is also pregnant and gives birth to five kittens. Kate finds these adorable and begs Peggy to let them keep one. Peggy refuses, saying they will have to be rehomed, and Hilda gets brownie points from thousands of listeners when she lashes out angrily at Kate.

Over at Grey Gables, the rumours about Tracy and Oliver are being bandied around, with Alf Grundy, for one, stating it as fact that they are having an affair. Elizabeth wonders if she ought to tip Oliver off and she eventually does so. Oliver is appalled – it’s bad enough that Alf is telling people that it was Oliver’s heartlessness that caused Joe’s demise, without insinuating that he is having affairs with the staff.

The situation is made worse when Tracy gives Oliver a bottle of Lower Loxley wine as a ‘thank you’ for giving her a job and having faith in her. Oliver says he cannot possibly accept the gift and their relationship is one of employer and employee and nothing more. Tracy thinks it is all a bit of a laugh and tells Oliver he should just ignore it. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that” her boss replies and Tracy is a bit miffed that Oliver thinks that gossip is more important than friendship and she goes off, taking the bottle with her.

We have already mentioned Alf Grundy and he is turning out to be a deeply unpleasant character, haunting The Bull and cadging drinks off anyone daft enough to offer. Leonard buys him a pint and Alf says that he wouldn’t mind a whisky chaser to go with it. Leonard says later to Jill that he felt sorry for Alf, who is obviously missing his father. Jill replies that this is a load of garbage and Alf never cared a jot for Joe.

As for Eddie and Clarrie, they realise that they are stuck with Alf until at least after the funeral, which is three weeks away. “And I never wanted him here in the first place” Eddie mutters, morosely. Eddie thinks that Alf is hoping for some sort of legacy, but he’ll be lucky, as Joe never had anything to leave. Clarrie mystifies Alf by sending Joe’s best suit – in which he is going to be buried – to the cleaners. Alf cannot see the point.

The two brothers begin the task of sorting out Joe’s effects (not a long job) and they find lottery tickets, bills and brochures. Alf finds Joe’s Will, which seems to be a list of instructions on how to look after ferrets. But wait! What’s this? It is a letter from a woman called Carmen which says “what we’ve got could change the world and make our fortune.” Alf is overjoyed and says gleefully that they could be in the money. Look, this is the Grundys we are talking about here and, if history is any guide, whatever it is they have found will either prove to be worthless, or go swiftly pear-shaped. Let’s face it, their scams and schemes in the past have never amounted to anything and I can’t help thinking that having Alf join the team could hardly be regarded as a plus, as he’s about as much use as a carpet-layer’s stepladder. We will wait and see.

Actually, at the start of the week we were wondering whether we had misjudged Alf, as he told Clarrie that, when he was last at Grange Farm, he ‘borrowed’ £20 from her purse and here is the money. “You can’t say that I never pay my debts” Alf says, a trifle sanctimoniously, handing it over. Unfortunately the effect is ruined when Ed (in front of the family) tells Alf that he’ll need the £20 back that he lent his uncle yesterday. “Have you no shame at all?” Eddie asks his brother when Ed goes out. I think that’s what they call a rhetorical question.

Someone else who is a bit short of money is Rex Fairbrother. His pigs are up to slaughter weight and David asks him how will he get them to the slaughterhouse - the trailer he is using is OK for weaners, but these pigs are much larger. Rex decides that he needs a bigger trailer, but where to get the money? Toby comes across his brother sorting out his rugby treasures - much-loved mementoes of his former career. Surely he cannot be thinking of selling them? Why not ask Dad for a loan? Rex answers that he wants to be independent and succeed through his own efforts. Perhaps Toby could help him out, although I think I’m correct in saying that he hasn’t fully paid back the money that Pip lent him a year or so back.

Last week we suggested that Joy’s lifeless body might be found floating in the Am one day. It seems we might have to start compiling a list of potential victims, as Vince Casey is getting up rather a lot of noses. His buy-out of Crowther’s abattoir seemed to have saved the facility for local farmers, but there are questions about whether he can be bothered to accommodate local producers and/or will it be worth his while? 

Vince has already given Hassett Hills the runaround, saying that he doesn’t want to talk to the Secretary, but to the ‘Head Honchos’, by which he means David and Adam. He then proceeded to keep fobbing them off regarding dates, saying he had no windows for a meeting. David and Adam meet in The Bull to discuss details of their pitch and David gets a call. It’s Vince. He finds himself in Borchester and are they available for a meeting? David lets slip that they are in The Bull and Vince says “great - I can be there in half an hour” and rings off.

The meeting doesn’t go well, as David and Adam are totally unprepared and have no figures to offer Vince. “What’s in it for me?” he asks, and also suggests that Adam is so besotted with his new son that he has taken his eye off the ball, farming-wise. Anyway, he’d like some figures by the end of the week and, as he leaves, David tells Adam that farming is hard enough at the best of times and Adam agrees, saying that nothing is easy nowadays, is it? I have sympathy for the farming community, but I remember the saying ‘you never see a farmer on a bike.’

Alice and Kate are supposed to be having a meeting at The Lodge and, knock me down with a feather, Kate isn’t there. There is talk between Alice and Peggy about the rewilding project and Peg remarks that Phoebe is finding how reluctant farmers are to part with land. In answer to Alice’s question, Peggy confirms that, if the land acquisition targets aren’t met by Christmas, the PPR consortium will not be receiving any money.

Kate turns up and, upon being admonished by Alice for being late for the meeting, says “was that today?” Kate says that it’s all over with Jakob and she doesn’t want to see him again, plus she needs a camomile tea and a lie down. Peggy says that she’s heard quite enough about Kate’s love life and leaves.

I don’t know what the meeting between the sisters was supposed to be about, as (as Alice told Kate) they have been talking for 30 minutes and all Kate has done is bang on about Jakob. Alice goes further, saying that Kate is “stuck on” Jakob and pretending she doesn’t care. This is despite Kate having received a text from him and refusing to read it.

My favourite bit of the week is Kate telling her sister that Jakob seems to think that they can just carry on as before, but “I’m not one of those women who can be dropped and picked up again whenever a man feels like it.” My observation on this is that, OK, ‘dropped’ might be accurate, but ‘not picked up’ - who is she trying to kid? I think that she and Jazzer should get together, as they have a lot in common; especially a desire for a partner who has a pulse, if nothing else.