The Next Lady Of The Manor?

Katie Redford (Lily Pargetter)

Despite being the younger twin, Freddie Pargetter is destined to inherit Lower Loxley when Elizabeth shuffles off this mortal coil. Or is he? Last week Lily took the initiative when Elizabeth was incapacitated with the flu and, with a bit of help from Shula, took over the organising of the Hunt Ball. And an excellent job she made of it too.

Not only that, but she enjoyed doing it, telling her mother “this is my home, after all.” For her part, Elizabeth was impressed and says “you could pretty much run Lower Loxley single-handed.” We also learned that, as far as living with Russ in Manchester and going to Uni is concerned, the glamour appears to have worn off for Lily and it isn’t the life that she envisaged. Russ doesn’t seem to be enjoying life much, either – in one of his numerous ‘when are you coming home?’ phone calls to Lily last week, he tells her that she is his muse and he cannot work when she isn’t there. Perhaps he could do a bit of decorating instead; he is a painter, after all.

I do wonder whether Lily might be considering chucking university and instead working full time at the stately pile, taking over from Geraldine. Think of the benefits – a salary, a place to live and, if she plays her cards right, she could become the next mistress of Lower Loxley, leaving Freddie to concentrate on his drugs business or whatever. We’ll have to wait and see.

Eddie Grundy and David Archer asked the question that I have been asking for years; to wit, why do they always cave in to Lynda Snell year after year? It’s because you are both great wooses lads. Eddie especially had a hard time, as he forgot which day rehearsals were on and, when he did turn up belatedly, he hadn’t learned any of his lines. “I was going to learn them tomorrow” he tells Lynda, after enduring a tongue-lashing. Oh yes? Been taking speed-reading lessons, have we Eddie?

He spent the afternoon, along with Oliver and Joe, in pressing apples for this year’s batch of cider, before being summoned by a phone call from Lynda. He tells Joe he’ll see him down The Bull later, but Joe isn’t keen, as Oliver will be behind the bar and Joe is resentful that Oliver got the job and he didn’t. But never mind! Joe has a cunning plan for revenge and, when Eddie buys him a pint of cider, Joe slips a dead fly into it, crowing that he knew Oliver was no good as a bartender.

A belligerent Joe approaches the bar, saying “I wants words with you Oliver Sterling” but David, to whom Oliver is talking, tells Joe to be quiet for a minute. Oliver is saying how much he is enjoying the work and, in an odd way, it makes him feel closer to Caroline, who used to work at The Bull – he can really feel her presence and it comforts him. Oliver then asks Joe what he wanted and a shamefaced Joe stammers that he wanted a packet of pork scratchings. Who would have credited Joe Grundy with such sensitivity?

Speaking of sensitivity, our thoughts turn to Tom Archer. Last week we accused him of having the sensitivity of a cast iron condom, but let me assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that we were wrong – if you multiplied Tom’s sensitivity by 100, then you might be getting somewhere near cast iron condom levels – the man doesn’t have a sensitive nerve in his body.

Last week saw the much-awaited trip to Glasgow and the Nuffield presentation. When Tom returns, Johnny (who had been left behind by Tom, Pat and Tony to run the farm single-handedly) asked him how he had got on with Natasha. The answer was “very well” – indeed, he and Natasha spent the night together. “And?” prompts Johnny. “And that, Johnny, is none of your business.” Tom replies.

Johnny asks Tom if he is going to tell Hannah about getting it on with Natasha. Tom seems genuinely surprised and answers “of course”, asking Johnny why he asked. Johnny replies that Hannah might feel a bit resentful but Mr. Sensitive pooh-poohs this, describing his relationship with Hannah as “friends with benefits.” We don’t have long to wait, as Hannah enters the room. Johnny retires to his bed, partly out of diplomacy, but mostly because he is totally knackered, having been up half the night.

Tom loses no time in telling Hannah that she missed out on a great time, which was insensitive, as she wanted to go but Tom said no, because he wanted to be with Natasha. He then told Hannah that he and Natasha spent the night together and it was “fantastic.” He thanked Hannah for choosing the jacket for him to wear and he says that his relationship with Hannah gave him the confidence to get involved with a woman again and, rather ambiguously, he describes Hannah as “easy.” We can only assume that he meant ‘easy to be with’ rather than ‘a total slapper’, but with Tom, who can tell? He does tell Hannah that Natasha is fantastic “and I think she might be ‘The One’.“ He then thanks Hannah for doing him the most massive favour. Sensitive right to the end, eh Tom?

It appears that there might be romance on the horizon for Tom’s sister as well, as Helen has a coffee at The Laurels with Lee, the karate instructor. Helen is there visiting Chris and Lee runs fitness classes for the inhabitants (inmates?). It turns out that Lee is separated from the mother of his two daughters and she is sometimes difficult about letting him have access. He shows her photos of the girls and he and Helen appear to be getting on well. Later on that day, Helen and Emma are attending the kids’ karate class, where the children are receiving their red belts. Lee praises the kids for their achievement and Emma describes him as “a great teacher” who has done wonders for Keira. Helen thinks Lee is very approachable and she will definitely go to the next adult karate class.

Tuesday was Brian Aldridge’s 75^thbirthday and he is up early, moaning that he couldn’t sleep. There is a knock on the door – who can that be at 6.30 am? It’s Will, and he is very flustered – today is the day of a big corporate shoot and Will went out to check the drives, only to find that they have been wrecked by joyriders. Will thinks they will have to cancel the event, but Brian says let’s just have a look at the damage before we act hastily.

The pair do just that, and Brian thinks that a couple of the drives can be salvaged and, if they are not used until the afternoon, then the birds will have returned. Other parts of the estate are perfectly OK and, by swapping these with some of the damaged drives, Brian thinks that a good day’s shooting can still be had by all.

Later on, Will returns and, in answer to Brian’s question, says that the day had been “brilliant” and he did very well on the tips. Will says the guns thanked him, but their thanks should be aimed at Brian. Brian refuses to take any credit, saying that Will is a top class keeper and it was the fact that he had other drives in a good condition that saved the day. The credit is entirely Will’s says Brian. “Well, I learned from the best” says Will, adding that things just aren’t the same without Brian being around. When Will has gone, Brian tells Jenny that “Will’s compliment was the nicest birthday present anyone could have given me.” He goes on: “I’ve still got it, haven’t I? I may be 75, but the old magic is still there.” Let’s not get too carried away Brian.

Recently we have had a few comments along the lines of the current storylines are concentrating too much on the bad behaviour of the younger members of the village and no doubt the joyriding story above will be held up as another example of this. But who were the joyriders? Roy phones PCB to tell him that there is a pick-up upside down in a ditch and he thought PCB ought to know. Harrison thanks Roy, telling him that it’s his day off, but he will go and take a look anyway. I’m surprised that the guardians of the law in Ambridge are allowed days off but I suppose the poor sod has to sleep sometimes.

For a while, we were left in suspense – could it be Ben and Ruairi up to their old tricks? Maybe Ruairi fancied one last hurrah before being packed off to boarding school again? Of course, PCB knows nothing of the two boys’ night-time motoring exploits and there are a couple of amusing moments when he asks David and Brian if they have been aware of any increase in the amount of joyriding. They both deny any such knowledge and are mightily relieved when PCB tells them that the joyrider has been apprehended – it turned out that he was already known to the police and his fingerprints were all over the vehicle. In a way, it’s a pity that it wasn’t Ben or Ruairi – they could have been company for Freddie.

Are Hilda’s Days Numbered?

June Spencer OBE (Peggy Woolley)

Tuesday was Peggy’s 84^thbirthday and Lilian (who else?) wanted to throw her mother a party. Peggy is still hoping that Chris will soon be leaving The Laurels and coming back to live at the Lodge, but Chris is apprehensive and so far has resisted attempts to get her to the Lodge to view the alterations, which include a downstairs toilet. Lilian has a plan - rather than hold the party at the Dower House as originally planned, why not have it at the Lodge, so that Chris will be forced to view the alterations? Peggy isn’t sure that it will work, but they agree to give it a go.

As it turns out, Chris is appreciative of the work that Peggy has had done, but she is still nervous. Lilian tells Justin that Chris is sitting in the kitchen with Peggy and sobbing quietly - it appears that she tripped over Hilda Ogden’s litter tray and it gave her a fright. And rightly so, as it was Hilda getting under Chris’s feet that caused her to fall in the first place. She tells Peggy that she could never feel safe as long as Hilda is around; a feeling which is probably shared by most of the inhabitants of Ambridge.

Peggy offers to rehome Hilda (we don’t know who the unlucky sod who gets her would be) but Chris says she cannot let her do that. What Chris really wants is to spend some more time (three or four weeks) at The Laurels, but she is worried about the cost. Peggy tells her to stay for as long as she likes - Peggy will pay. Hilda is reprieved and can continue terrorising the fauna and villagers of Ambridge, at least for the time being.

Now I’m sorry, and I know I go on about this regularly, but I simply cannot believe how everyone gives in to Lynda Snell’s every whim. This week’s chief doormat is David Archer - not only has he been railroaded into handing over his barn to host Lynda’s production of the Canterbury Tales, but Lynda ordered him to get it cleaned out. He does so, but it isn’t clean enough for La Snell and she demands that it is done again. She then has hysterics when she sees a rat and demands that David does something about it - if I were him, I’d borrow Hilda for a day or two.

Instead, he gets rid of the nest and says he will set a trap, as if he hasn’t got enough to do on the farm. Even worse, Rooooth complains to Lynda that her part is too much for her and could she do something about reducing it please? Of course she can - she gives the part of Chaucer to David without even consulting him and, instead of telling her to stuff her play and can I have my barn back please? David rolls over and accepts it. What is it with Lynda Snell? Has she got secret files on everyone in the village and blackmails them with threats of exposure? I don’t know how else to explain the hold that she appears to have over her fellow villagers. Is there no-one with the guts to tell her to take a hike? I really, really hope that this is her directorial swansong, as she promised, but somehow I doubt it.

Since her return from Bulgaria, Lexi has been very down, which is worrying a number of people, including Adam and Ian, who are afraid that she doesn’t want to go through with the surrogacy. So worried is Adam that he goes to see Lexi to see if there’s anything they need to talk about. Lexi reassures him that she intends to go through with it, for which Adam is grateful.

Roy, on the other hand, isn’t so fortunate and is at a loss to understand why Lexi is so down - she’s even watching daytime television about Brexit, for heaven’s sake - and he asks what is the matter? Lexi is missing her daughters and tells Roy that, when she is pregnant, she wants to go back to Bulgaria. Not only that, but she cannot see how she and Roy can have a relationship when they are in different countries. Yes, she loves him, but she cannot see a future for the two of them and maybe it would be better if they split up - she doesn’t know what else to do.

Roy is distraught, but accepts that she needs time to sort her head out and agrees that it would be easier if she moved out - he has booked a staff room at Grey Gables, which is strange, as she doesn’t work there. If Lexi is as unhappy as she says, the only solution I can see is for Roy to move to Bulgaria, although he might have a bit of trouble with the language. I do hope they can sort something out, as they deserve a bit of happiness.

Talking of Grey Gables (and I admit that this link is a mite tenuous) Oliver is rattling around like a spare part and he tells Jill that he misses Caroline, especially on these dark, autumn evenings. However, he says that he is going to have an interview, which means that he won’t have so much spare time in the future. Later on in The Bull, he confides in her that she is looking at the pub’s latest part-time barman. He could have got a bar job at Grey Gables, but at The Bull, he will be among friends, rather than a constantly-changing range of clientele. If I were Kenton, I’d make it plain that Oliver is not being employed to chat to his friends and get down in the cellar and change the barrels.

Jill spoke up against Damara’s plans to reduce the number of affordable houses on the new development, but, as she explains to Hannah, it was to no avail as the committee seemed to have made up its mind before the meeting started. Hannah is philosophical.

It wasn’t a good week for Hannah - having been passed over by Tom for his Nuffield trip to Glasgow, she sought solace with Chad. On Friday, Johnny happens to mention Chad - it was another late night for Hannah - but she replies “There’s no-one of that name in my life any more” and she tells him that she is going to find another man and please pass her phone. Tom proved once again that he is as sensitive as a cast-iron sheath, as, having told Hannah that she cannot go with him to Glasgow because Natasha will be there, he asks her for her thoughts on which of three jackets he should wear. Demonstrating considerable forbearance, Hannah asks “so you want my fashion advice so you can pull Natasha?” “Please” Tom replies, seemingly unaware that the atmosphere has suddenly cooled. 

Hannah picks the blue jacket, but Tom is still worried - is it too flash? Are the lapels all right? Hannah is getting very frustrated and Tom says that he knows that he is sad and insecure. “Did I say that?“ Hannah challenges him. No, but I bet she thought it - I did. He wants her advice on which shirt to wear, but she draws the line at that and goes off to get ready for Chad (this was before he was dumped). How (and why) she didn’t slap Tom is a mystery.

The only bright spot for Hannah was when Justin called in to Berrow Farm to see how things are going while Neil is off with a bad back. He is most impressed with the way that she is coping and gives her the go-ahead to buy a £50 piece of kit, telling her that he trusts her judgement. Later on he tells Susan how well Hannah is coping and Susan relays this to Neil. This does not improve his mood any.

Things are not going well at Lower Loxley - Jill tells Oliver that she has tried to talk to Elizabeth, but her daughter has been too busy. For his part, Oliver has been having a few problems with the Hunt Ball, which he is organising and he is surprised that Geraldine has not got back to him. Never mind - he can wait another day or two.

You’ll have to wait a bit longer than that, Oliver old mate, as Geraldine no longer works at Lower Loxley, having walked out last week. Elizabeth is trying valiantly to pick up the slack, with a marked lack of success. We learn this when Lily makes a surprise return to Ambridge, just for the weekend. She runs into Johnny and explains that she is being spontaneous. Johnny asks how is she getting on at Uni, to which Lily replies that the social life is frantic and she’s never had such a good time. Now, either she is taking Russ out in the evenings (no doubt her fellow students wonder why she has brought her dad along) or she is telling Johnny porkies. Perhaps we get nearer to the truth when Lily mentions that she is “hoping to charm a little handout from mum.”

Lily makes her way to Lower Loxley, where Elizabeth is delighted to see her daughter. For her part, Lily notices that there is a pile of unopened mail, plus Elizabeth isn’t looking that great and it appears that the dishwasher hasn’t been used for some time and the fridge is empty of food. Elizabeth admits that she has been finding things difficult “since I had to fire Geraldine.”

Lily is surprised, but Elizabeth explains that Geraldine made a mess of Halloween. Lily tells her mother that she cannot possibly manage on her own and she has to get a manager in - now! Despite the clear evidence to the contrary, Lizzie says that she’s coping OK. However, Lily asks whether Elizabeth has had breakfast or lunch (the answer is ‘no’) and gives her mother ten minutes to sort out her e-mails and join Lily in the kitchen.

The kitchen is a mess and Lily says that she will cook a proper meal of pasta and seafood as Elizabeth obviously hasn’t been eating properly. Elizabeth admits that she has been letting things slip “since Geraldine walked out…” and, tigress-like, Lily pounces on the slip of the tongue. But before she can say anything, the phone rings and Lily answers it - it is Jill, who is surprised and delighted that her granddaughter is home for the weekend - why don’t Lily and Elizabeth pop over to Brookfield for a spot of supper tonight? Lily is keen (it will get her out of cooking) but Elizabeth tells her daughter to tell Jill not tonight, but some other time. Jill asks if everything is OK and Lily replies “yes Grandma - everything’s fine.” I hope she had her fingers crossed at the time.

Sunday last week was the 100^thanniversary of the Armistice and this was celebrated by an afternoon of bell-ringing at St. Stephen’s. This was captained by Chris, as Neil’s back didn’t improve, and was hugely popular with the villagers. Oliver especially was complimentary, telling Shula that he sat and listened for ages in the afternoon and it was a flawless performance. Peggy also compliments Shula, who says that she was pleased with how it went, “but I might feel a bit stiff in the morning.” Hmm - I might just take up bell-ringing. 

Ben Archer Speaks!

Ben Norris (Ben Archer)

I must admit that I was beginning to think that Ben Archer was in line to be the new Derek Fletcher or one of the other silent characters, but last week he not only spoke but figured in one of the major storylines.

On Sunday, David tells Rooooth that Brian told him about Ruairi joy riding in the Land Rover on Home Farm land. David is convinced that Ben would have been involved, as the two lads “have been joined at the hip” during the school holidays and David wants to talk to his youngest child. Elizabeth, who is at Brookfield when this conversation takes place says that Ben is lucky to have a father, thus turning the conversation once more to the subject of Freddie.

David confronts Ben and asks him if he ever drove the Land Rover. Ben says “no” and David asks him again. He gets the same answer and David says that he’ll ask Ben one more time and, if he finds out that Ben isn’t telling him the truth, he (David) will be disappointed and angry and will probably circumcise Ben with a rusty spoon. Ben catches the mood at last and admits not only to driving the Land Rover once or twice, but also ‘borrowing’ the Brookfield pick-up. If this were not enough, Ben also says that he and Ruairi filled up the pick-up with diesel. If he is expecting praise for this, he is severely disappointed, as David goes ballistic - what was Ben thinking - driving on public roads (the boys went to a filling station, rather than use Brokkfield‘s fuel), under age and with no insurance?

Something has to be done, David tells Rooooth, but she has sympathy for their son, suggesting that he can clean out the barn (Lynda has phoned and said that their efforts in cleaning said barn weren’t very good and could they look at it again?). Rooooth goes further - why did Ben do what he did? “Because he’s an idiot” replies David (I blame the parents, myself). Rooooth suggests that it is because he has no defined role at Brookfield, so why don’t they find him one? They have been talking about getting a new sheepdog, so why not make Ben responsible for choosing and training one?

Ben has a day off next week, so on Tuesday, he and David set off to visit a breeder in the Pennines. David lets it be known that, as far as he is concerned, he wants to draw a line under the whole joyriding incident and Ben agrees readily. I wanted Ben to say ‘and if you get tired driving, Dad, I can always take over’ but he let me down. When Ben realises that he will be responsible for choosing and training the new dog (he chose Bess) he is grateful for being thought worthy of such a task - training will begin tomorrow.

Over at Ambridge View, Neil is off work with a bad back and is going slowly mad because he cannot find his mobile phone. Susan reveals to Emma that she has taken it and hidden it in the tea towel drawer because she knows he won’t look there, which speaks volumes for Neil’s contribution to household chores. As it is, Susan’s plan is backfiring, as, instead or resting as the doctor said, Neil is roaming the house, looking everywhere for his phone.

It is not just work that is worrying Neil. But Thursday is bell-ringing rehearsal for the Armistice Day service on Sunday and Neil is desperate to go to both. Over Susan’s dead body! (And why not?) But Emma takes pity on her father and suggests he look in the tea towel drawer. Success! The phone is there! “What did you put it in there for?” Susan asks her husband, unblushingly.

Neil’s understudy at Berrow Farm - Hannah - isn’t making a very good job of being in charge; she antagonises Duncan, fining him for being late and he eventually walks out. When he learns about this, Neil is less than happy.

Hannah drags Tom for a drink, moaning about Neil and Duncan. Tom is looking forward to delivering his Nuffield speech at a gala do in Glasgow and he invited Hannah to accompany him, Pat and Tony to the event. Hannah thinks that this could lead to awkward questions from Tom’s parents and she declines. However, in the shop later on, she learns from Tony that it is quite a glitzy affair, with good food and wine. Tony reveals that Pat has bought a new frock “and she tried to get me to wear a dinner jacket, but I wasn’t having that” he chuckles. That’s right Tony; you stick to the smock and the wisp of straw in the mouth, but do clean the Wellingtons.

This gives Hannah food for thought and she seeks out Tom to say that she has changed her mind and quite fancies wearing a posh dress and getting outside some good wines. Tom, however, is reluctant and says that Natasha will be there and, besides, he doesn’t want Pat and Tony to get the wrong idea about him and Hannah. However, Johnny is away for the night, so if Hannah is in the mood for some casual sex… She isn’t, and the whole episode underlines Tom’s insensitivity to their relationship. Natasha visited Bridge Farm to persuade Helen to put in a regular order for her fruit juice and, when having a coffee with Tom, she reveals that she has just broken up with her partner of 10 years and is feeling very down. Tom obviously feels that he is in with a chance now, but to his credit, he doesn’t drop his trousers and say “I can help you there” with his tongue hanging out. Whatever, Hannah doesn’t seem very happy and I reckon Tom has blown his chances there.

Lexi returns to the UK and is greeted enthusiastically by Roy at the airport. He is keen to rekindle their relationship, but Lexi is behaving in a distinctly lukewarm manner and, while he wants to go upstairs, she wants to walk round the village. Not only that, but Roy has really made an effort; cleaning the house and cooking Bulgarian speciality Banitsa. He’s even got a bottle of red to share, but Lexi says that she is too tired and goes to bed alone, leaving the Banitsa untasted and Roy bitterly disappointed and frustrated. Let’s hope we get some rekindling before too long.

Lynda got a taste of her own medicine last week, when she went to see Jim to sort out his role as script supervisor. Jim’s take on his duties is to try to improve the quality of the script and he scandalises Lynda by saying that her script has many good points and “you’ve made a decent stab at it.” He also says that Lynda could have dug a little deeper into the meaning behind Chaucer’s words. Lynda is getting extremely nettled - if there is any patronising to be done concerning her production, she will be the one to do it and she tells Jim in no uncertain terms that, as script supervisor, it is his job only to make sure that the actors keep to her script and that he should learn his lines. It appears that Jim is not to be fobbed off so easily, as we learn later in the week that he turned up for rehearsal with his copy of the script heavily annotated with different-coloured post-it notes and incurred Lynda’s extreme displeasure. Keep it up, Jim!

In paragraph two, I mentioned the fact that Elizabeth keeps bringing the conversation - any conversation - round to the subject of Freddie. Following the Halloween fiasco at Lower Loxley, a number of punters were not happy with the gruesome episode of the Mummy falling out of the treetops and some wanted their money back. In an attempt to smooth things over, Roy noted down some names and addresses, much to Lizzie’s disgust.

Things get worse, as the Echo runs a long article about the subject, dragging in the fact that Freddie Pargetter is inside for dealing drugs and that Lower Loxley has lost its licence to sell alcohol. Shula rings Elizabeth up to forewarn her about the article, but Lizzie doesn’t listen, steamrollering her sister with questions about how Shula got on when she visited Freddie. In vain, Shula mentions the Echo, but Elizabeth goes of at a tangent, suddenly remembering that Freddie suffers from chapped lips and she must get him some lip balm. I wouldn’t bother, Shula; she’ll find out about the article soon enough, so stop banging your head against the brick wall that is your sister’s refusal to listen to anything that doesn’t contain the word ‘Freddie’ at least once in every sentence.

Indeed, Elizabeth does see the article and she cannot understand why they want to link in details of Freddie and the cancelled licence. And it is now that Elizabeth reveals that she has lost the plot completely, when she calls Geraldine in to discuss the situation and it becomes plain that she is blaming Geraldine for everything - why didn’t she investigate the family-friendliness of the actors’ routine? Geraldine says that it was all done in a hurry, because Elizabeth forgot to book the original act. Lizzie ignores this and refers back to the article in the Echo - why didn’t Geraldine know that there were reporters at the Halloween event?

Never mind - Elizabeth has got a solution and tells Geraldine that she has arranged for her to appear on Radio Borsetshire and put Lower Loxley’s case. Geraldine thinks (quite rightly) that this is a spectacularly bad idea and the best thing to do is to draw a line under it all, to which Elizabeth says “You created this mess - it’s up to you to put it right.” Furthermore, Liz has told the producer that Geraldine will be there at four o’clock. Geraldine thinks otherwise and Elizabeth’s reaction is a curt “it was not a request.”

This is all too much for Geraldine, who has kept Lower Loxley functioning almost single-handedly ever since Freddie got sent down. Geraldine brings this fact to Elizabeth’s attention, saying that she has worked late every day and each weekend, trying to keep the place going. Furthermore, Geraldine is owed five weeks’ leave and, although she is required to give one month’s notice to quit, she’d like to leave straight away. “You can’t walk out on me! Come back!” Lizzie cries, as Geraldine walks out of the office.

Well done Elizabeth - you played a blinder there. Geraldine has moved heaven and earth to keep Lower Loxley functioning (plus she is one of the very few people who doesn’t want to slap Elizabeth when she bangs on about Freddie) and you have just alienated her. A bit later on, Elizabeth knocks on Geraldine’s door - she’s come to apologise; she was wrong and she begs Geraldine to reconsider. Geraldine says there is something she’d like. “Anything” says Lizzie, grasping frantically at this straw. “Can I depend on you for a reference?” Geraldine asks, sticking the boot in. Elizabeth pleads with her to stay, saying tearfully “Geraldine, how can I manage without you?” Too little, too late Elizabeth - you should have thought of that before you started bad-mouthing the person who was keeping it all together for you. Good luck going forward.

Frightful Family Fun

Bharti Patel (Geraldine)

We haven’t heard much from Ben or Ruairi lately, but they come crashing in this week (literally) when Will catches them doing handbrake turns at Home Farm. He lectures them and threatens to tell their parents but lets them off when they admit they’ve been stupid and won’t do it again. However they’re not deterred and find somewhere else to practice, but to get there they need to drive on the road. They egg each other on and take risks with the speed until they hit something. It turns out to be a badger, so at least David will be pleased when he finds out. Brian’s not pleased though as it all comes out at the shoot where Ruairi is a beater. Ruairi takes the blame and Brian takes his fee to teach him a lesson, asking Will to donate it to a good cause, although the big softy gives it back later when he’s calmed down.

Elizabeth’s sounding very deflated this week. David’s called round to deliver some beef and is complimenting her on how well the preparations for ‘Spookalicious Gardens’ are coming on. She’s feeling low because the new barrister has joined the long list of legal professionals to turn Elizabeth down, not because he doesn’t think there’s a case to be made, but because the deadline has run out. Elizabeth’s going to be using David’s tele-thingy to raise the actors into the tree tops in her Spookalicious production and needs him to check the height. In the end he doesn’t get time but he and Josh reckon it will be tall enough, but there’s no time to rehearse it so the first time it will be used is in front of the crowds. Could Elizabeth be about to add a second inquest to Lower Loxley’s Tally? After all we’re only a couple of months away from the 8^thanniversary of Nigel’s death.

We’ve heard precious little from Geraldine since she was hired as Deputy Manager of Lower Loxley four years ago, but she seems to have come in to her own and kept the place going while Elizabeth’s been so preoccupied. Elizabeth really doesn’t have to do anything with the business at the moment so perhaps she should use this as an opportunity to take some time out and concentrate on her mental well being, because at this rate she’s heading for a breakdown. A stern word from David probably won’t cut it. On the other hand should we question why we’re suddenly hearing a lot from Geraldine? Her slogan for Spookalicious is ‘frightful family fun’ which isn’t bad and at least she didn’t say ‘something for everyone’ which would really have got my hackles up, but for the moment I’ll reserve judgement.

By the way, one of the silent characters I thought we’d ‘heard’ the last of has popped up this week. Edgar Titcombe, who was one of Nigel’s old retainers and stayed on to look after the grounds, is a living statue at Spookalicious. I suppose it’s too much to ask for him to suddenly break character and shout ‘BOO’ at a small child?

When it comes to it, it’s not quite inquest-worthy, but in the star attraction ‘Attack of the Mummy’ panic is spread throughout the crowd as the mummy falls 150 feet from the telehandler (probably more like 15 but you know what it’s like at Lower Loxley) and everyone is taken in by the illusion that it’s a real person. There’s not only panic but anger that Elizabeth didn’t know what the actors were going to do and it all kicks off in the car park. Elizabeth seems to think that it won’t be a problem until Kirsty tells her that she should be ashamed of herself, found the whole thing disgusting and promises to take it further.

Hannah and Tom are still at it by the way, and Hannah introduced me to a new saying this week – ‘keep your neb out’. I had to look it up and you’ll be relieved to know that neb is Yorkshire for nose. Tom tries to patch it up with Jazzer and joins him on his run. Jazzer tries to outrun him but Tom keeps up the pace until they both end the run completely exhausted. They talk the rivalry over Hannah through and agree they won’t fall out over her.

Josh has bought a bulk load of bakery waste to supplement the feed at Brookfield at a low cost and Pip’s furious at the thought of feeding a ‘rat’s banquet’ to the dairy herd as it goes against their ethos and could cause acidosis in the cattle. David grudgingly says it makes sense as a way to ease their cash flow but would have liked to have been consulted first. Roooooth works out a solution, which is to feed it to the Hereford’s mixed with straw and some silage, which will leave more of the high-protein silage to feed to the dairy herd. Josh heralds this as a ‘win-win’ while Pip’s take on it is ‘makes the best of a bad job’. I’m with Pip on this, in my book, anyone who uses the phrase ‘win-win’ retrospectively has forced the other party to compromise, has the upper hand and gets their behaviour reinforced. Which as it turns out, is exactly what Josh thinks.

Linda’s holding the first read-through of The Canterbury Tales on location in David’s barn, and the actors are seeing for the first time who else has been cast. Nathan Booth will be playing the blacksmith in The Miller’s Tale and one wonders whether we’ll finally hear him speak, but surprise everyone – the blacksmith is a silent part! Lynda’s not happy, of course, as the barn’s cold, damp and has cobwebs everywhere. What did you expect in a working barn, on a farm in November Lynda? She ropes David in as location manager, whose responsibility seems to be to transform his barn into an approximation of Pinewood Studios.

Someone else who’s not happy is Jim. He’s outraged that the play is written in modern English as he was hoping for some ‘intellectual fibre’. Really? In a Lynda Snell Christmas production? Just wait until he finds out that Roooooth playing Chaucer him/herself.

Finally, Henry’s gone to Lee’s karate class again and seems to be warming to him so much that he shoves another child out of the way in order to help Lee tidy things away. Lee has a gentle word with him about this but Henry gets upset, thinking Lee doesn’t like him just like his Daddy didn’t. If, as I suspect, Helen and Lee become an item, I wonder what Henry will make of that.