Freddie’s Fungi Forage

Toby Laurence (Freddie Pargetter)

Last week we had Freddie and Noluthando sharing a spliff in the woods, with her moaning (surely not?) that the weed is better in South Africa and that the rain keeps extinguishing the joint. What hard lives these teenagers have! Never mind, Freddie has the answer - the woods are full of mushrooms and some of them must be of the magic variety, surely? The pair try a few and they are indeed getting high, until Noluthando is feeling sick.

I don’t want to be critical, but how far would you trust Freddie’s judgement when it comes to picking a fungus that is both hallucinogenic and edible? Me neither. I’m surprised he didn’t say something like “this red one with white spots looks cool - I wonder what it tastes like?” Let’s be frank here; going fungi foraging with Freddie is probably the worst idea that anyone has had at Lower Loxley since Nigel agreed to help David get the ‘Happy New Year’ banner off the roof.

I have done a bit of research here and here are three types that he can find in the UK; Amanita virosa, Amanita phalloides and Galerina marginata. I cannot attest to whether or not they are tasty, but their more common names of Destroying Angel, Death Cap and Funeral Bell are evidence of their potency. Freddie and Noluthando squirrel away their stash of fungi to dry in Lower Loxley’s attic. We can expect a few stoned rats to make an appearance soon, I reckon. Freddie keeps telling Noluthando that “the first rule of breaking the rules is ‘don’t get caught’ “ Ha! This is Ambridge, where naughty people usually get what they deserve, so we wait to see what happens to our mushroom-munching duo.

A naughty person who hasn’t yet got what he deserves is Matt Crawford who, if he upsets many more people, will have to change his name to Rob Titchener. On Sunday, Lilian tells Adam that Matt asked her to run away with him and she considered it briefly, as she loves both Justin and Matt. Adam cannot believe it and tells her to stay away from Matt. “Get him out of your head and don’t let him pollute your relationship with Justin” Adam tells his aunt. “I need to keep away from him.” Lilian agrees.

This she does by taking to her bed, pleading sickness and refusing to go out. Adam goes to see her at the Dower House and urges her to stand up to Matt - what she feels for him is not love; he’s messed with her head because he’s jealous of Justin. “Live your life and leave Matt Crawford to me” Adam says, ominously. If Lilian is determined to avoid Matt, why not take off to a hotel, or go and live with James and Leonie for a few days, leaving her phone behind?

There may well be a queue forming to sort Matt out, as Shula has been thinking about the troubles that have beset the Stables recently and wondering if she detects Matt’s fine Italian hand behind it all - the depth of knowledge of events seems too detailed to be laid at the door of the sacked stable girl Roberta. Shula shares her suspicions with Kenton - she has just seen Matt with Latif at Grey Gables and Matt made a point of waving to Shula, in triumph, she believes. Kenton isn’t convinced that Matt would do such a thing and, besides, he’s leaving at the end of the week, isn’t he? Shula says that Matt probably “couldn’t resist one last thrust of the dagger”. Kenton gives her a double brandy on the house and asks whether she will share her suspicions with Alistair. “He doesn’t need to know,” Shula tells her twin, adding: “if it is all down to Matt, I’ll handle him myself.” Take a number and stand in line, Shula.

Kenton’s naivety is touching when it comes to Matt’s behaviour. Has he forgotten that Matt ran out on Lilian, emptying her and AmSide’s bank accounts in the process? Shula will have to take her turn, as Adam confronts Matt in a car park and tells him to leave Lilian alone, as she is marrying Justin. Matt sneers that, if Lilian loves Justin, why has she been meeting him (Matt) for days out? He then gets more personal and insulting, talking about Adam and Ian’s plans to have a baby, calling it “unnatural.” He keeps goading Adam, who finally loses it and hits him. Wrong move Adam! A gloating Matt says that no-one will let Adam have a child after he has hit a man in a car park. “All it takes is one phone call” crows Matt.

Well, Adam, that could have gone better, couldn’t it? Adam returns home and tells Ian how Matt provoked him, but stops short of the fisticuffs incident. Ian says that Lilian’s life is nothing to do with them and, if she wants a knight in shining armour, she’s always got Justin. However, Ian is proud of the fact that Adam stopped short of violence, saying that he remembers how satisfying it was when he hit Rob. “If you’d have socked him, that would mean an assault charge and an end to anything to do with Carina”, Carina being the likely surrogate mother they have been talking with. Adam is now in thrall to Matt - will Matt put the squeeze on Adam and keep him on tenterhooks? What do you reckon? Kenton might think Matt isn’t an all-round bad guy, but I would suggest that he is in a minority of one. With Adam out of the way, it seems that handling Matt is all down to Shula, so how will she get on? The answer, as we will see, is ‘not very well, actually’ and it all begins on Thursday, when she comes across Matt, who has ostensibly run out of petrol and asks her if she can give him a lift to Brookfield, where David will have petrol.

Here’s Shula’s chance to handcuff Matt to the rear bumper and drag him across a few rough and stony fields, or alternatively to douse him in petrol (well he does want some) and offering him a cigar, but instead she gives him a lift, albeit with bad grace, and the atmosphere is very frosty, with Shula telling him that he doesn’t need to talk. Matt refers to the fact that Anisha “keeps popping off to Glasgow” and the temperature drops a few degrees when Shula says that Anisha’s mother has just died. When they get to Brookfield, Shula cannot wait to dump Matt on David and she goes into the kitchen to seethe.

Matt tells Shula that he might see her before he goes and “I might surprise you.” “Please don’t” is her curt reply, but an unfazed Matt says “You never know, it might be something good.” We don’t have long to wait before we find out what Matt is up to, as Shula takes a call - someone has donated a fantastic prize for the Hunt Ball raffle - a Rhine cruise for two. Shula goes after Matt and says that the Hunt cannot accept such a prize. “I can’t accept it” she tells him. Matt asks why and Shula pours out her suspicions that it is Matt who is trashing the name and reputation of the Stables and Alistair’s business. Incidentally, there is some good news on this front, as the Vet college did not uphold the complaint about the dead horse.

Matt describes her as having a vivid imagination and says that the cruise isn’t from him, but from his employer, Hugo Melling. Shula asks Matt to thank Hugo, upon which he asks where is his ticket to the Ball? Hugo can’t make it, so it is incumbent upon Matt to present the star prize on the night. Shula is taken aback but says that she’ll see what she can do. Matt thanks her, adding: “From what I’ve heard, it should be one hell of a night.” You have to - if not admire, then at least acknowledge - the manipulation shown by Matt. Rob Titchener would be proud. Things get worse on Friday, when Shula, who is having trouble finding somewhere to put Matt (“There’s no-one I hate enough to put next to him“), gets a text message - now Matt wants a ticket for a ‘plus one’ for the Ball. “He’s poisonous; toxic and the sooner the village is rid of him, the better.”

In order to escape Matt, Lilian goes shopping with Jennifer for dresses. Jen is trying on shoes and Lilian is in the changing room with her dress when Matt turns up. Lilian is staggered - how did he get in and what does he want? Matt replies that he told the attendant that his wife was inside, choosing clothes for their second honeymoon and he hands her an air ticket, saying he’ll wait for her to turn up. “Be there or be Mrs Elliott” he tells her before he leaves. Jennifer returns and a despondent Lilian says she wants to go home.

By the way, for those of you who are stressing, Alistair confesses to Shula that he did not have time to buy a new dinner jacket but he has done the next best thing and hired one. Shula doesn’t actually explode, but it is a close-run thing. Her temper is not improved when Alistair tries the DJ on, remarking that it’s a bit tight. He bends to move something and the jacket splits up the back. The couple dissolve into hysterical laughter, but the smiles are wiped from their faces when Matt’s text about his plus one comes through.

Let’s leave Matt and his machinations and talk about the forthcoming election for the Parish Council. It’s fair to say that election fever has not actually gripped Ambridge, but Lynda accosts everyone who comes into the shop, asking who they are going to vote for? Practically nobody has made up their mind and Lynda canvasses on behalf of her husband. Jim Lloyd turns up at the shop and Lynda turns on him, saying that, as Parish Clerk, he should be neutral. Jim protests that, if he has been making positive comments in favour of Emma, he is only repeating what villagers have been telling him. Lynda accuses him of being, if not pro-Emma, than at least anti-Snell. “I’ll be watching you on election day” she warns Jim.

Let’s have some good news for a change. Kathy is off sick (no, that’s not the good news) and so Roy has been co-opted on to the panel interviewing applicants for the interim (three months) job of front of house manager at Grey Gables. Roy is slightly stunned when one of the applicants turns out to be Lexi - he didn’t even know that she had applied. Lexi acquits herself with credit, answering all Roy and Ian’s questions. I believe there was someone else on the panel, but whoever they were, they didn’t have much to say for themselves.

Speaking to Roy afterwards, Lexi explains that she didn’t tell Roy as she didn’t want an unfair advantage. A delighted Roy tells her that the panel has decided that she can have the job if she wants it and they are both overjoyed. I’m glad that things seem to be going well for Roy on the romantic front - all we want now is for Lexi’s three-month contract to be made permanent.

Repeat After Me, Tony: “I’ve Got A Mind Of My Own”

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

Tony is surprised when Justin asks him to be the witness at his and Lilian’s wedding. He stammers, prevaricates and asks for time to think it over. The same day, Tony takes Peggy shopping and she remarks that he’s very quiet. Tony tells her about Justin and she replies that it was very sweet of him, although Tony wonders whether or not Lilian put him up to it. Peggy says he’s not that sort of man – he has a mind of his own. “You did say ‘yes’?” she asks her son, sharply and, when Tony admits that he wanted to think about it, she is slightly dismayed.

Tony tries to justify himself, saying “we’re different kinds of people – we don’t see the world the same way” but Peggy cuts him short, saying that it’s his sister’s wedding and his job is to make her as happy as he can. She adds: “no more of this nonsense – you must go straight to Justin and tell him you’ll be delighted.” Later on Tony seeks Justin out in The Bull, where he is dining with Lilian. Is Tony about to make a stand and demonstrate that he too has a mind of his own? Will he rebel? Will he fishcakes – he tells Justin and Lilian that he would love to be a witness. As for making his sister happy, it is evident from her bemused comments that this is the first she has heard of the whole thing. Meanwhile, Tony takes his leave, presumably to ask Pat whether or not he’s hungry and if she thinks it’s time that he ate something.

Lilian is feeling a tad guilty, as, when she met Adam on Sunday, he asked her whether or not she had enjoyed the meal that Justin lovingly prepared for her last Thursday? Again, this is something that she didn’t know about (she was having dinner with Matt) and she hastily tells Adam that, yes, it was a wonderful surprise. Back at the Dower House, Lilian is all over Justin, saying that, had she known, she would have made an excuse to Marcia (with whom she had told Justin she was dining) and come home. Justin dismisses it as water under the bridge, but Lilian still feels bad.

There is a difference of opinion brewing at Home Farm, where Brian and Jennifer lay down the law to Kate about Noluthando’s education – if she is going to stay in the UK until Christmas, then she has to be in full-time education. Kate says that Nolly has come over to spend time with her – Kate, love, people wouldn’t cross the room to spend time with you – and she won’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to. Noluthando overhears some of this conversation and immediately says that she’s not going to college, before flouncing off to Lower Loxley to bend Freddie’s ear about how unfair it all is. Yes, Noluthando, it is unfair but, as the saying goes, that’s life, so get used to it.

Having said that, life’s not too shabby for Freddie, with a stately pile to roll around in. He tells Noluthando that nothing happens in Ambridge, whereas college life – or at least the social aspect of it – is ‘awesome’. “Much more fun than hanging round a yurt with your mum” he tells her. This obviously strikes home and, when Noluthando goes back to Home Farm, she says, OK; she’ll go to college, under protest, but she doesn’t want to and, by the way, she’ll need some new outfits.

A new outfit is also the topic of conversation at the Stables, viz: Alistair’s new dinner jacket, which he still hasn’t ordered or been measured for and the Hunt Ball is coming ever closer. Anisha is away in Glasgow, where her mother is recovering from a heart attack and Alistair has a few things on his mind, such as the complaint about the practice when a horse died on the operating table and a tide of rumours sweeping the equine establishment. Latif drops in unexpectedly and mentions the rumours in passing. Alistair assures him that they are false rumours and that the complaint won’t be upheld and he seems reassured by Latif’s somewhat lukewarm acceptance.

Shula still bangs on about the DJ and is horrified when Alistair tells her that the Hunt Ball clashes with Graham’s (covering for Anisha) sister’s 60^th birthday and Graham has a long-standing invitation to a celebration. Manically, Shula tells Alistair to tell Graham to cancel it – like Cinderella, Alistair will go to the Ball and there’s no way he can be on call that night. And has he done anything about that DJ yet? Now, I appreciate that, among the horsey fraternity, a Hunt Ball is an important event, but so too is a close relative’s 60^th birthday, and that only happens once in a lifetime, whereas a Hunt Ball happens every year, so I personally think that Shula is being a mite unfair on Graham.

But never mind; Graham returns early from visiting Latif and Alistair informs Shula that Graham has agreed to forgo the party. Oh, by the way, there’s bad news too – Latif, who is the jewel in the Stables’ list of clients, has decided to go back to his previous vet because of Anisha’s continuing absence, which is why Graham is back early. It never rains but it pours; Justin told Shula about a message board where someone is trashing the Stables’ reputation and rubbishing the vet practice. It turns out that the author is a stable girl that Shula had to sack last week and Roberta, for that is her name, is vindictively getting her own back. It’s all very well for Alistair to tell his wife to stop looking at the messages, turn the other cheek and get on with doing her job, but I think it’s fair to say that the Stables has had better weeks.

And now the ‘I bloody told you this would happen’ moment. I speak about the relationship between Pip and Toby. Hardly had we downed our Scruff’s and tonic in celebration of the pair splitting up, when Pip was all over Toby like a cheap suit, much to his discomfort and her embarrassment, leaving a strained atmosphere whenever they ran into each other. After a stilted conversation at Hollowtree, Pip seeks him out and says “I can’t do this any longer” and confesses that she still has feelings for him. She becomes flustered and confused and Toby kisses her to see if that can help settle her mind. It obviously did, as we then have a few seconds of what sounds like two sink plungers mating.

Rooooth has to take some of the blame, as she interrogated her daughter about her future plans – does she intend to stay at Brookfield or look for a job elsewhere? At the moment, dairy prices are high and Rooooth says that they are considering expanding the herd. However, she and David aren’t getting any younger and Josh and Ben aren’t interested in the farm, so any expansion will depend on whether Pip is still at Brookfield. A neat example of moral blackmail, if ever I’ve seen one. And it worked, as Pip tells Rooooth that she will stay at Brookfield and bring on the extra cows. However, there is one caveat – Pip insists that her mum and dad have a proper holiday, away somewhere, and Pip will pay for the tickets.

To balance the bad news, the writers occasionally throw in the odd morsel to make us happy and last week’s was the announcement by Lynda that she will not be directing this year’s Christmas Show. ‘Oh yes, we’ve heard that before’ I mused, but it seems that Lynda wants to take charge of Robert’s campaign to stand for the Parish Council, against Emma. Robert isn’t really cut out for a life in politics – he doorstepped Sabrina Thwaite and was bemused when she quoted Aristotle at him, talking about moral values. Robert also solicited Brian’s vote but Brian asked him awkward questions and told him “to get some fire in his belly”.

Later, Brian said that his vote is going to Emma; largely because of some very positive things that Jim Lloyd said about her. Robert is incensed by this – as Parish Clerk, Jim is supposed to be neutral and Robert suspects that he wants Emma on the PC as his own puppet. Robert had been thinking of pulling out of the contest, but this casts a different light on the whole thing. “I’m not going to let him win,” Robert tells Lynda angrily, adding: “this means war!”

For her part, Emma wrestles with the problem – should she accept the help proffered by Jim – it seems a little underhand. Peggy says that, if Jim wants to jeopardise his position as Clerk, then that’s up to him. Furthermore, Peggy admires Emma’s moral principles and she can count on her vote. Emma decides that moral principles aren’t going to help her win and she decides to take advantage of Jim’s offer, thereby ruling herself out as the only honest politician on the planet. Just a suggestion – is the number of Parish Councillors set in stone and, if not, why can’t Robert and Emma both join the PC?

There is little doubt about the main story last week and that was the eternal triangle-ish relationship developing between Justin, Lilian and Matt. Lilian and Matt keep meeting up and, while nothing serious has happened, she is racked with guilt and fear that Justin will find out, although, as Matt points out, there’s nothing for him to find out about.

Lilian learns of the near-altercation between the two men when Ruby ran away and was found by Matt. Philip the plumber told her that he had to step in to prevent them coming to blows. Over one of their many lunches or dinners (Lilian must have put on a couple of stone, I reckon) Matt asks her if she will help him buy a horse from her friend Philomena. All he wants Lilian to do is to schmooze Philomena, as he is in a hurry and will be returning to Costa Rica next week. “Can’t you do this one little favour for me?” He asks, adding: “You owe me that much, don’t you?” The nerve of the man! Lil, you owe him nothing, unless you are going halves on the meals, of course. Matt says that he’ll never ask her to do anything ever again and, besides, he’ll soon be out of her life forever. She agrees.

Lilian duly talks Philomena round and admits afterwards at lunch (where else?) that she quite enjoyed the intrigue. There is a (for her) heart-stopping moment when Roy Tucker walks into the gastropub, but he leaves without seeing them. And now Matt makes his move – he says that he never stopped loving Lilian and he knows that she still has feelings for him. “I can’t go away and let you marry Justin Elliott” he says “If you do, you’ll never be truly happy.” Does she want to be like Jennifer, wasting her days away? He can offer her spark, passion, excitement – oh yes, he’s wealthy to boot. Lilian says that she is going to marry Justin; the man (slight pause) that I love.” Matt appeals to her: “Lilian, don’t throw yourself away. Grab this last chance while you’ve got it. Come away with me and we can spend the rest of our lives together.” The week ends with Lilian saying “You’re mad – of course I can’t – I’m not going anywhere with you!” We don’t know if she left, or stayed to finish the Chablis

Oh dear, will she or won’t she? Imagine the repercussions if she goes. Apart from the terrible upheaval among the Archer clan, there are other consequences, not least of which will be the collapse of Toby’s gin business, unless he can open up an overseas branch in Costa Rica pretty damn quickly…

The Third and Final Winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ Competition

The final winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition is Jessica Twentyman, who asks:

“Hello, Timothy. I'm interested to know how you think David has managed to reconcile his role in Nigel's death with his conscience. I'm thinking particularly of David's line on that night, ‘Come on, Nigel. Are you a man or a mouse?’”

Ouch. Straight to the point there Jessica. Let’s see what Tim has to say about that:

“David misses Nigel, and I miss Graham. In both fiction and reality we had a lot of great times. I don't think David feels guilty, it was Nigel's roof after all. Still, David's not a good bet to be around if there's danger, or badgers, around.”

Congratulations Jessica. Contact me at neilturnbull@me.com and let me know where to send your prize!

And thanks to everyone who entered. For those missing out on a signed copy of Tim’s book, there’ll be news later in the week on how you can still get a copy!

The Second Winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ Competition

The second of three winners of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition is Quentin, who asks:

“Do you think that there would be a market for a 'Calendar Boys' calendar? I hear Jazza is keen.”

I think Jazza’s sporran would come in very useful here, but let’s see what Tim thinks:

“Possibly, but you can be quite sure that neither I nor David

would be on it!”

Are you sure you don’t want to reconsider? Not appearing on the calendar would increase the chances of Bert Fry or Joe Grundy getting back to nature with only prize-winning onions and courgettes to save us.

Congratulations Quentin. Contact me at neilturnbull@me.com and let me know where to send your prize!

The First Winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ Competition

The first winner of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition is Neale Monks, who asks:

“Timothy, if you could give voice to any one of the myriad 'silent characters' that infest the Abridge undergrowth, who would it be and why?”

Tim surprised me by picking someone close to home who isn’t normally considered to be a silent character:

“Well at the moment, Ben. I'm getting very worried about his refusal to speak!”

Congratulations Neale. Contact me at neilturnbull@me.com and let me know where to send your prize!

I’ll be revealing our second winner tomorrow!

The Winners Have Been Chosen

I can announce that we have chosen the winners of our ‘Ask David Archer’ competition to win one of three SIGNED copies of Timothy Bentinck’s new book ‘Being David Archer: And Other Unusual Ways of Earning a Living’.

The winners’ questions have been sent to Tim and we have his answers! But we’re not going to reveal all straight away. We’re going to keep the excitement going as we reveal the winners over the next few days.

To start things off though, we asked Tim a question of our own:

“Being based in East Anglia we can’t get Shires. If you were to come to our local, would you choose Greene King IPA, Adnams Southwold or Woodforde’s Wherry?”

We were delighted that Tim’s answer displayed an impressive knowledge of our favourite ales:

“As a part time East Anglian from childhood, the answer is that it depends what you're doing the next day. GK is 5%, Southwold is 4.1% and Wherry 3.8%. Ergo Friday and Saturday night IPA, Wednesday lunchtime the Wherry. All other evenings, Southwold!”

When you’re back in the kingdom of the Angles Tim – the beers will be on us!

Nice Dinner with Matt Lilian, But What’s for Afters?

Sunny Ormonde (Lilian Bellamy)

We have speculated a lot recently about Justin and Lilian’s relationship, and things are obviously getting desperate as we kick off the week with Justin triumphantly announcing that he’s made Lilian a sandwich! But Lilian’s not hungry. Not hungry, not interested in discussing colour schemes, not interested in going for a walk and certainly not interested in wedding plans. The truth about Justin’s Scotland trip has hit her hard and she takes herself off to another room to be left alone with her thoughts. Justin interrupts her to get his cardigan, and the atmosphere is icy as she tells him she’s off to visit a friend’s stables, and he’s not invited.

When she gets to the stables, guess whom she sees? Yes, that’s right – Matt Crawford. He’s there to look at a couple of horses with a view to shipping them to Costa Rica. Afterwards they go for tea and cake, which gives Matt the chance to probe Lilian about Justin. He knows that something’s up, and he persuades her to spill the beans about the Edinburgh trip. To be fair, he’s a good listener and tries to get her to see Justin’s point of view, saying that if it was him he would have told her ‘where to get off’ if questioned.

Later she accepts a last-minute invitation from Matt to the Cheltenham Literature Festival, and then immediately lies to Justin about who she’ll be going with. She says she’ll be back for supper, so Justin plans to surprise her with a meal on her return, and goes to see Ian for tips. The problem is that Lilian and Matt have such a great time that they decide to stay in Cheltenham for dinner. Lilian phones Justin to say she’ll be having a bite to eat with ‘Marcia’ and he hides his disappointment very well, even though he was blitzing the herbs for a salsa verde at the time. When she eventually returns home Justin’s still up, but she heads straight off to bed.

Things are looking bleak, and on Friday 13^th look bleaker still. The window-cleaner left the back gate open and Ruby’s gone missing. Lilian fears that she’s been dog-knapped, and her and Justin start ringing round and organising search parties. Guess who finds her, yes that’s right, Matt. Or rather she finds him. Matt pops in to the Bull to borrow some string to use as a lead, but who should be in there but Justin, who immediately accuses him of abducting her. Justin phones Lilian to tell her that he’s found her, but omits to mention Matt. Matt offers Justin advice on dog-handling, which could be easily construed as advice on keeping hold of Lilian. This is all too much for Justin and is about to punch Matt’s lights out when Harrison appears and breaks them up. Justin shouts “I’ve had enough!” and storms off.

On returning Ruby to Lilian’s grateful embrace, Justin tries to clear the air by apologising about his Edinburgh trip, but is defiantly unapologetic for trying to protect her from his business and divorce arrangements. He also professes his fidelity and says he has never had the need or desire to stray from her, and if she doesn’t trust him then that’s her problem. Oh, and tonight he will be sleeping in the master bedroom. And they say romance is dead!

Joe and Eddie are busy making cider out of their precious find of Tumble Tussocks, scratting (pulping) the apples and squeezing out the juice. They’re making great claims for the cider that will be produced, with Joe claiming it will be Premier Cru. Nic’s there taking this all in and asks about the turkey business (they’ve been gobbling away in the backround). Joe thinks its days are numbered, but Nic has a brainwave – label the cider as a local limited edition Christmas Cider and give away a bottle with each turkey. Joe initially bemoans the fact that there’ll be less for him to drink, but comes round to the idea when Eddie mentions they’ll be able to afford whisky at Christmas from the profits.

It looks like the appointment to the position on the Parish Council vacated by Oliver is going to be between Emma Grundy and Robert Snell. Jim, who is Parish Clerk, drops in on Emma because he’s concerned that Robert will get the position by default and doesn’t want a ‘stitch-up’. He lets Emma know that if more than 10 villagers call for an election, one has to be called, which would result in a fairer process. He also happens, by sheer coincidence, to have the relevant paperwork on him. We later hear that Emma easily got the required number of signatures and an election has been duly called.

Bad news for Alistair; a complaint has been made about him to the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons after Titan died under anaesthetic. He now has to write a response to explain how the horse died during a routine castration, and to make matters worse rumours seem to be circulating amongst the clientele.

Shula, meanwhile, is having work done on her manège (it’s ok I looked it up for you – it’s what horses run around on in the stables). Phillip, who’s doing the work, notices that Alistair looks troubled and invites him to the pub for lunch while he’s waiting for the concrete to set (he must have used quick-drying). They talk about difficult customers in their respective professions and it turns into a badly needed therapy session for Alistair.

Things are fractious between Kate and Noluthando, and Kate thinks some time with her cousins, Lily and Freddie, will do her good. When they meet, Freddie calls her Nolly and Lily points out that they’re actually only second cousins, and once removed at that. But they seem to get on well and start talking about the Hunt Ball that Shula’s organising. Lily thinks Noluthando looks a bit ‘urban’ and offers to take her shopping, but Noluthando quickly slaps her down by saying “if that means ending up looking like you Lily then thanks, but no thanks”! Freddie’s impressed, and they start talking about Kwaito music and who Noluthando would recommend. I don’t know what she said, but I’d be very disappointed if she didn’t recommend Kyle Naidoo and Arthur Mafokate as good starting points.

Over in the dairy Susan and Clarrie are talking about the amount of work they’re doing, what with making ice-cream, yogurt, Kefir, and helping out in the poly tunnels and seem to be fermenting a plan to get a pay rise. When Helen comes in she’s shocked to see how behind they are with packing the yogurt and she takes Tom to task that Susan and Clarrie are too busy making his Kefir and letting everything else fall behind. Tom offers to increase their hourly rate, which does the trick, but this all seems too simple to me. If I were Tom I’d play them at their own game and make it conditional on achieving aggressive production targets.

Finally, Pip calls in on Toby as he’s bottling gin. She’s brought him lunch and is being really nice to him – which is disturbing. Toby reassures her about the bruising on her face, and Pip says it reminds her of when they were together (spending time with each other, not the bruising). She suddenly makes a move on him and Toby’s not happy, telling her not to mess around with him like that, and to go on Tinder if she’s feeling horny. Well done Tobes!

Like Mother, Like Daughter…

Mogali Masuku (Noluthando Madikane)

Just when we were getting resigned to the fact that Kate appears to be a permanent fixture in Ambridge, it now appears that we are going to have two of them to contend with. I speak of course, of Noluthando, Kate’s daughter, who would appear to have inherited the worst aspects - and there are an awful lot of them - of her mother’s character.

Noluthando spends most of her time telling Kate off for calling her ‘Nolly’ - it’s a baby name, says Noluthando and she’s not a baby any longer. Indeed, Eddie Grundy is surprised to learn that she is only 16 and he describes her as “a bit glammed up for Ambridge.” Eddie saw Noluthando when Kate took her on a tour of the village, telling her daughter that Ambridge is as much part of her heritage as Joburg and Durban, plus it has amazing vibes. That’s as maybe, says Noluthando, but it’s boring, dirty and the sounds of the stags rutting is pretty gross. She also cannot believe that people pay money to come to Spiritual Home and, when Kate bangs on about Reiki and similar treatments, Noluthando interrupts her and says that she’s “not interested in all that ‘hippy rubbish.”

In short, Noluthando appears immune to the bucolic idyll that is Ambridge. Why can’t they go to the city? Kate agrees, thinking of Felpersham, but Noluthando has her heart set on taking a trip to London and Kate is backed into a corner. Perhaps Brian will fund the trip? she asks Adam. Apparently Brian agrees, as the following morning, we hear Kate banging on his bedroom door, asking for the money as they have a train to catch in a few minutes and £400 should cover the cost of the day. Brian, who wasn’t aware that they were going so soon, asks why so much. Shopping and a bite to eat is Kate’s answer. A grumpy Brian says he’ll give her £300, which still seems rather excessive to me for a day out. Mind you, he might think it worth it to have a Kate-free day.

On the trip back, Kate complains about a man whose suitcase is blocking the aisle in the train, but Noluthando points out that the racks are full of their shopping. She also takes Kate to task because she is drinking non-vegan wine and doesn’t that make her a hypocrite? Kate responds by saying that she’s tired and fancies a nap. When they get back home, there are further allegations of hypocrisy when Brian, eyeing the mountains of clothes, etc, says he thought that Kate was de-cluttering her life and possessions were irrelevant? Kate’s answer to this is that it’s ok if they spark joy and these do. Brian says sarcastically it looks to him like she’s got enough for five years of joy. Water off a duck’s back, Brian.

Just as we were consoling ourselves with the fact that Noluthando, who isn’t a particularly nice person, will only be around for a couple of weeks, she tells Kate that she wants to stay at Home Farm and please don’t make her go back to South Africa. Her father, Lucas, has a new woman in his life - Siphiwe - who is a bitch and who has turned Lucas against his children. Kate doesn’t seem keen on Noluthando having an extended stay and Noluthando immediately says that, when Phoebe came to South Africa, Kate was all for her prolonging her visit and it’s obvious that, of the two daughters, Kate loves Phoebe more. Noluthando storms off to her room and Kate goes after her, offering grovelling apologies.

The next day, Kate rings Lucas at work and accuses him of mistreating their children. Lucas asks what tales has Noluthando been spinning, adding that she has been a complete nightmare for the past few months, bunking off school and behaving badly. One day he followed her and she was drinking in an illegal den. Lucas then surprises Kate by saying that Siphiwe is the woman he should have spent his life with and he’s filing for divorce. I must say it surprised me too - I would have thought that he would have been on to the lawyers seconds after he had thrown Kate out of the house. Kate is obviously taken aback, but says that he can have his divorce, but he’s not having Noluthando; “I’m going to give her the loving home she needs - mum and dad will be delighted to let her stay.” Kate? Loving home? How likely is that?

Dad is far from delighted with the idea, but Kate tells him that Lucas has been letting Noluthando go out drinking, which is stretching the truth more than somewhat. Eventually (probably to get a little peace) he says it would be ok if Jennifer agreed. Typically, Kate takes Jennifer’s acceptance as given (she hasn’t asked her) and triumphantly tells Noluthando that she can stay. Poor Brian - no sooner has he got rid of Lilian than he has yet another female foisted upon him. And it’s not just me that thinks Noluthando isn’t a nice person - she and Phoebe had a catch-up and Noluthando is envious that Phoebe was allowed to travel round Europe alone, conveniently forgetting that Phoebe is a few years older than her.

Later on, Roy asks about Noluthando and Phoebe says she’s ok, but lives in a world of her own, oblivious to other people’s feelings - exactly like Kate, in fact. As I said in paragraph one, we’ve now got two of them to contend with.

Before we leave Kate, Adam tells Ian of her idea to be their surrogate. At first Ian welcomes the idea, although Adam has reservations - reservations bigger than the Sioux Indians had, to be exact. As Ian talks to people, it dawns on him that Kate would never let them bring up the child without interfering and the idea is a non-starter. But how to break it to Kate? They enlist the help of Alice, who’s weapon is flattery - she tells Kate that Adam thought her offer was “a beautiful gesture”, but has she considered the wider picture? What about the effect on Kate’s other children and does she realise that older mothers have difficulty in getting their figures back? Kate mulls things over and tells Alice that, on reflection, she thinks it’s not a good idea, but how to tell Adam and Ian? Alice says that she will do it, prompting Kate to call her sister “a sweetie.” Phew! I don’t think I could have stood nine months of a Kate pregnancy, so well done Alice!

Having spent more than enough time on Kate-related subjects, let’s look at some other stories. Ian is getting stressed with the antics of Joey, the Sicilian Maitre d at Grey Gables. Not only is Joey incompetent, but is rude to the guests and, on Tuesday, Joey argues with a guest and tips a table over in a fit of anger, before walking out. This happens when Oliver has just returned from Italy and Roy and Ian talk down the affair to stop him worrying.

Oliver has decided that he needs to rearrange some things in his life and he resolves to step down from the Parish Council, which came as a surprise to me, as I didn’t know he was even on it. Perhaps he has caught de-cluttering from Kate? Neil, as PC Chair, tries to get Lynda to take Oliver’s place, but she’s too busy with her reading project. However, when discussing it later with Robert, Lynda says that he would be an ideal Councillor and isn’t it time that he stepped into the spotlight? She didn’t actually say ‘out of my shadow’ but you just know that the thought was there.

Neil is happy, but a couple of days later, Emma enquires about the vacancy, saying that she was, and still would be, interested. Neil tells her to submit a letter, outlining what qualities she has and the PC will consider it, alongside a similar letter from Robert. One of these qualities will definitely be ‘hard-working’ as Ed reminds her that she already has three jobs and where would she find the time? Emma says she’d manage and “it’s about time people in this village took me and my family seriously.“ Ed wisely shuts up. Anyway, he’s too busy looking at a website, picking out which Texel rams to choose for breeding - something which he optimistically tells his wife could ensure a bright future for them. We were also treated, if indeed that is the word, to a blow-by-blow account of how the AI process works. Thank God the Archers is on radio and not TV, I say - this was definitely a case of way too much information. As for Ed’s optimism about the future, I submit that we have heard this sort of thing numerous times before from assorted Grundys.

Fallon and PCB have completed on Woodbine Cottage and hold an impromptu party to celebrate. One of the guests is Christine and PCB thanks her for selling it to them. Talk turns to cricket and PCB mentions that women are definitely a part of the team and he talks about the need for separate changing facilities for the sexes. Christine offers to fund the new facilities and, in a statement that would be totally alien to many inhabitants of Ambridge, says “what’s the point of having money if you don’t use it for good?”

One person who would find this a puzzle is Matt Crawford, who turns up at the Dower House to see Justin, who is in Edinburgh. Lilian invites Matt in for a drink and he shows her pictures of his new apartment. The man appears to be on a tour of South America, as he has abandoned Costa Rica for Ecuador, with which he “fell in love”. He invites her out to see the place and, presumably sensing that something isn’t right between her and Justin, he tells her that he’ll be in the UK for a few more weeks, adding: “You’ve got my number. If you want to talk - about anything - I’ll be at your service.”

Lilian is upset as she has learned that Justin’s trip to Edinburgh involved meeting with Miranda, the wife that he is divorcing. Not only that, but he went with Miranda to see her nonagenarian aunt Moira. When Justin returns, on Friday, Lilian has torn up the agreement to take AmSide into the Damara fold and she asks Justin why he didn’t tell her that he was meeting Miranda and what the hell was he doing going to see Aunt Moira? Justin replies that he didn’t tell Lilian because he didn’t want to upset her and Aunt Moira was the only member of Miranda’s family that he had any time for. However, he lets slip that he and Miranda led Moira to believe that they were still married - why upset someone who’s 95 or whatever? This is too much for Lilian and she flounces out. Where is she going? “To make up the guest bedroom” she answers. “There’s no need for you to sleep there” protests Justin. “Not for me, you idiot; for you” she snaps back.

Finally, some good luck for the Grundys. Shy Colin (he never has much luck with the ladies) has told them about a shed full of cider apples going begging. The owner has died and the landlord wants shot of them. Eddie, Ed and Joe go to collect them, with Joe prophesying doom and grumbling about time wasting. But when they get there, he changes his tune - the apples are ‘Tumble Tussocks’, one of Borsetshire’s rarest cider apples and which make wonderful cider. He hasn’t seen one for years. But where are the trees? Eddie says he’ll go to the local pub next week and ask around. The question on all our minds is how are the Grundys going to cock this one up, or what mean trick does Fate have in store?

It's Competition Time!

THREE LUCKY READERS will each win a SIGNED copy of Timothy Bentinck’s new book ‘Being David Archer: And Other Unusual Ways of Earning a Living’.

All you have to do is reply in the comments with a question that you’ve always wanted to ask David Archer! A crack team of judges here at Ha Archers Towers will sift through the replies and choose their 3 favourites. These will be put to Timothy – sorry, David – and we will publish his answers! The authors of the 3 selected questions will each win a copy of the book.

So what are you waiting for? Pull up a comfy chair, settle down with a pint of Shires or a large Scruff Gin and Tonic, and get thinking!

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*** Get ready for an exciting announcement from the Ha Archers blog tomorrow. There will be prizes! ***

Helen Decides It’s Too Much To Bear

Louiza Patikas (Helen Titchener)

Helen had a surprising suggestion for Ian last week – the two were having a catch up (Ian managed to get a few days off, although he told Adam that he ought to go into Grey Gables and check up on stand-in chef Joey, who he doesn’t really trust) and the conversation turned to the subject of Ian and Adam’s proposed surrogacy. The two men had debated the pros and cons of having the baby carried by a stranger or a friend and Ian remembers the disappointment a few years ago when his best friend Madds changed her mind about being a surrogate mother.

“We’ve thought of everybody” Ian tells Helen, to which she replies “What about me?” Ian immediately says it’s an amazing offer, but he couldn’t ask her to do that, with all she has been through. That’s all water under the bridge, Helen says and adds the caveat that she isn’t 100% sure yet, but she’ll think about it and let him know.

Ian talks it over with Adam, who is vehemently against the idea, saying “You know how fragile she’s been; we need to talk her out of it” and “It’s all going to go wrong.” For his part, Ian thinks that they should give Helen the space to make up her own mind. Over at Bridge Farm, Helen runs the idea past her mother and Pat is appalled by the idea – has Helen forgotten the pre-eclampsia she suffered with Henry? Could she really bear to give up a baby? Helen accuses Pat of being negative and says “It’s my decision and I don’t really want you or anyone else telling me what to do.” This is obviously not simple enough for Pat to grasp and she continues to raise objections, causing her daughter to say sharply “It’s up to me and no-one else, ok?”

I must admit that I thought this story would run and run, but the very next day Helen and Ian meet again and she tells him that she cannot be the surrogate as she would worry about the effect on Henry of giving up the baby. She apologises profusely but Ian says she has nothing to reproach herself for and she is the best friend he’s got. The two of them profess love for each other and they hug. Back to square one on the surrogate hunt, Ian.

At Brookfield, the week begins with Pip telling Josh that her new contract milking job is pants – not only is it a long commute, but the farmer is a miserable sod who watches every move she makes. Josh asks why doesn’t she jack it in? But Pip says that she can’t just do that. This, it turns out, was the wrong decision as, later on, Rooooth gets a phone call – Pip has been kicked in the face by a cow. Luckily, it missed her eye, but it is very painful. Rooooth is fuming, saying that the farmer should have warned Pip that the cow was a kicker and he’s lucky that they aren’t suing him. Pip begs her not to make matters worse. The next day Rex enquires after Pip and Rooooth tells him that she has lost a lot of confidence and won’t be back working before the weekend. I must admit that, having my face used as a football by a bovine would knock my confidence in working with cows more than somewhat. Toby drops in to see Pip and the two of them seem to be getting on worryingly well, with Toby bringing grapes and chocolate. During the small talk, Pip asks if the gin business is going well and Toby replies “Yes – your investment is still looking sound.” So he hasn’t forgotten about the five grand she lent him. Mind you, there was no hint of when he might start paying it back.

One consequence of Pip’s accident was that Josh missed the grudge cricket match against Darrington and his place was taken by Jolene. It is a tight match and the Ambridge cause isn’t helped when PCB is run out 15 short of his century and his replacement, Will Grundy, is out for a duck. So much for preparing all those dossiers on the opposition, Will. The game goes down to the final over and Darrington just shade it, but there is one tiny victory when the Darrington captain, who is notoriously anti-women cricketers, is caught on the boundary by Jolene, off the bowling of Anisha. PCB declares that the women cricketers are a vital part of the Ambridge team, leading Jolene to remind him that they still haven’t got their own changing facilities and what is he going to do about it?

I am concerned about the relationship between Justin and Lilian, as one or two – admittedly hairline – cracks are starting to appear. Lilian has a problem with an AmSide client who is causing trouble over some plans. Justin offers to put Damara’s legal team on the case, free of charge (and it’s not often you will see the words ‘legal team on the case’ and ‘free of charge’ in the same sentence). He goes further and suggests that AmSide should “come under the Damara Group umbrella” as there would be a number of beneficial synergies. Lilian, slightly alarmed at the possibility of losing her independence, says she’ll consider the idea. However, a few days later, Justin says that he’s had a draft agreement drawn up, but Lilian is still not convinced.

On Wednesday, Lilian drags Justin round an art gallery and he’s bored, bored, bored. On Friday, Justin took Lilian to a networking event and he tells her off for making an exhibition of herself (telling risqué jokes and taking the Mick out of an influential businessman). The two have also been thinking about the wedding and honeymoon. For the latter, Justin has always fancied Mexico, while Lilian is much taken with Rajasthan and the romance of the Taj Mahal. Hmm – separate honeymoons, maybe. Could start a trend, I suppose.

Friday is also the day of the joint birthday party for Alice (29) and Kate (40). Kate is still in de-cluttering mode and this has widened to include not just her stuff, but everything else in the house that she deems joyless. We learned earlier in the week that she had tried to give away Brian’s golf clubs and, on the day of the party, Jennifer rescues a book lent to her by Lynda and one of Jen’s favourite ornaments from Kate’s latest charity bag.

On the evening of the party, Kate is supposed to be preparing the salad but, on learning that the drumming has started, she shoots off to speak to the drummer. Leaving Ian (who is a guest) to complete the task. Later on, Ian is also handing round the canapes, so it was very much a working party for him.

During the party, Jennifer disappears and Kate, who has specifically asked for no presents, is suspicious. What is her mother up to? The answer is the big surprise that Jennifer has been working on, as she presents Nolly – Kate’s daughter from South Africa. Kate is overcome and there are hugs all round. But where’s Sipho, Nolly’s brother? Nolly says that he couldn’t get time off from school (she’s going to be around for two weeks) and Kate says that he has been giving her the cold shoulder for months now. But never mind – seeing Nolly is her best present, ever.

The highlight of the party is supposed to be when Kate’s family tell her what she is good at and in what areas she needs to improve. Brian starts and pays her a few compliments, then says that he was doubtful about Kate’s Spiritual Home business at first, but she has made it a success and he’s proud of her as a business woman and mother of his grandchildren. Jennifer calls her daughter talented but adds that sometimes she starts something then leaves others to finish it off. Kate interrupts, her saying that what Brian said about Spiritual Home shows that this is no longer the case and let’s move on to someone else.

Let’s just examine these comments in more detail, starting with Jennifer’s. Three paragraphs ago, we had Kate leaving Ian to finish preparing the salad – a minor thing, granted, but so typical of Kate. Brian praised her as a businesswoman, but only last week he had to stop her throwing away financial records that have to be kept, by law. As for being a good mother, this is the first time Kate has seen Nolly for well over a year and her son Sipho is ignoring her. Years ago, Kate went off to Africa, leaving Phoebe behind in Ambridge and had precious little contact with her for years, to the extent that Phoebe referred to Hayley as ‘mum’. You may have noticed that Phoebe didn’t make it to the party either – that’s two no-shows out of three. When it comes to being a parent, it could be argued that Kate has displayed all the maternal instinct and hands-on childcare of a mother turtle.

The last family member to speak is Alice, who calls her sister “a lot of fun” but adds that she can be tactless. Stung by this, Kate says that she will return the gift, for Alice, calling her “clever” but that she can be selfish. “I’m only saying this for your own good so that you can work on it” Kate adds, pompously. Alice suggests that Kate should work on her own issues and the atmosphere is getting a bit fraught. Brian breaks it up before it gets any worse. Alice cannot believe what Kate said and she tells Jennifer that she is going to get drunk. “Do you think that’s a good idea?” Jen witters. “I think it’s an excellent idea” Alice replies.

In an attempt to cool things down Ian tells Kate, who has been showing Nolly round to all and sundry, that he envies her. Kate says she’s lucky – she’s got her “lovely, little Nolly.” There is a pause, then Nolly says “From now on I’d prefer it if you called me Noluthando – I’m not little any longer.” For the record, Nolly – sorry, Noluthando – was born in 2001.

Finally this week, let’s return to Justin and Lilian. Back home on Friday, the pair are relaxing and listening to music, having escaped from Kate and Alice’s party with its constant drumming and awful music. Justin has to go to Scotland on business at the weekend and will be away for a couple of nights. Lilian is getting stressed about this and about the wedding and Justin tries to calm her down, saying “Trust me – it will get easier – everything’s going to be absolutely fine.” A surefire indication that some terrible cataclysm is in the offing, if ever I’ve heard one.