Take Your Patronage Elsewhere, Jennifer

Angela Piper (Jennifer Aldridge)

In the past, I have commented ‘nobody does patronising quite like Brian Aldridge’. Well, dear readers, I was wrong, as events last week illustrated that, when it comes to talking down to people, Brian’s wife Jennifer is right up there with him.

It happened when Lexi was helping her to clean the caravans, newly-vacated by the pickers, who have returned home - or rather, Jen was giving orders while Lexi did the cleaning - and Jennifer asked whether Lexi thought that the pickers had enjoyed themselves. True, there was the racist unpleasantness at the Fete, but Jennifer was confident that this was a small price to pay for staying somewhere as special as Ambridge.

Jen has found that the pickers are always impressed by Ambridge; presumably because “it must be a contrast to what they are used to - more affluent and developed.” The boys especially, Jen continues, are particularly impressed when they see the cars and houses - only natural when their countries are catching up. Ambridge must seem like a dream when they arrive. Lexi hails from Bulgaria, where, according to the Internet, they appear to have houses and even cars, and being addressed as some kind of semi-civilised peasant grates somewhat. I suppose she is lucky that Jennifer didn’t talk about ‘the big, silver bird that brought you across the sea’ or the ‘iron horse that transported you to Ambridge’, where they were given accommodation in luxury tin boxes, called caravans.

Whatever, Lexi is not happy and gets her own back by quoting a passage from ’Mistress of the Paddocks’ - the novel that is generally recognised around Ambridge as a thinly-veiled account of Jennifer and Brian’s numerous sexual indiscretions over the years. Stung, Jennifer angrily dismisses the book as “overrated” and tells Lexi sharply to get on with scrubbing the walls, and to put her back into it. Tempers are rising, when Roy appears, ostensibly to return Phoebe’s equipment used on the picking job. He deftly turns the conversation to his daughter’s forthcoming trip to Budapest, which he says was inspired by Jennifer’s and Brian’s reports following their recent visit. Apparently there wasn’t a mud hut to be seen and they had boats and restaurants and everything.

Roy is not so much laying it on with a trowel as employing a shovel, but the tactic works, as the unpleasantness between the two women is forgotten. Jen proceeds to give Roy a list of ‘must do’s’ for Phoebe in Budapest - a list which Lexi quietly, but acidly, suggests will cost her a fortune and she (Lexi) took her daughter to the public park, or one of the museums (yes Jen, they have those too).

Jennifer asks Roy if he is going anywhere near Borchester and, when he says he is, she suggests that he gives Lexi a lift, as she’s heading that way too. He agrees and the two leave. Jennifer is not only patronising, but tends to overlook the bleedin’ obvious and she is blissfully unaware that Roy and Lexi are an item. Indeed, Roy’s real reason in visiting Home Farm was to pick Lexi up and, as he tells Lexi on the way to his car, he heard the raised voices “and stepped in before you started thumping each other.” When they are out of Jennifer’s sight, the pair kiss.

A day earlier, Roy was showing Lexi around Ambridge, without making it obvious that they are a couple and, whenever they meet someone, the talk turns to cricket (a game which Lexi has no interest in). She and Roy agree that it has been a nice afternoon, but Lexi’s feet hurt and she asks if there’s anywhere they can go. Roy says that there’s no-one at home and they could go there. Lexi says “Good, we can talk about cricket. Or maybe find something else to do.” Roy - don’t blow it now; she doesn’t really want to talk cricket, honest.

So, how did this happen? We have been urging Roy for weeks to pull his finger put and do something about getting to know Lexi before she goes back to Bulgaria - after all, if Jennifer is to be believed, there might not be a phone network available to reach her in her home country. The catalyst for this coming together was Phoebe, but things didn’t quite go as Roy planned. He had intended to have a heart-to-heart with his daughter and tells her that he knows about the pregnancy test. Phoebe reacts angrily and tells him that she is always careful and she’s 19 years old for God’s sake. Roy points out, quite reasonably, that the pregnancy test is evidence that she isn’t always careful, but Phoebe says that there was a slight chance that she was pregnant, but she isn’t and she never wants to hear anything about the subject ever again. End of.

Roy says that bringing Lexi into it (Lily told him that the test was Lexi’s) proved embarrassing and Phoebe ferrets out the fact that Roy and Lexi had attended a book reading together. She asks if he fancies her and - taking the fact that he goes bright red as a ‘yes’ - refuses to let him eat or do anything until he has called Lexi and arranged a date, and this is where we came in.

We’ve spent a lot of time on Roy, but I’m pleased for him and it will be interesting to see how - or even if - the relationship between them continues. Lexi has family back in Bulgaria, so the logistics of any on-going romantic development could be problematic, or at least involve utilising the big silver bird. We’ll have to wait and see if Roy has found a soulmate, or if this is just a (very abridged) summer romance. Personally, I hope it’s not the latter, but time will tell.

It was D-Day for the staff at Grey Gables on Monday and Roy (whose actor really earned his corn last week) and Lynda are sorting through the stuff left in rooms by guests (mainly chargers) and discussing possible futures - what will Oliver decide? We soon know, as Oliver calls a staff meeting and lets them all know that, when push came to shove, he just couldn’t let Grey Gables go and it’s not for sale; not now, nor in the foreseeable future. Cue cheers and applause for Oliver, who tells the staff that he will be residing in The Grosvenor suite from now on - that’s got to adversely affect the profit margin, surely?

The following day, Oliver, Ed and Shula meet for a private memorial ceremony for Caroline in the Grey Gables’ grounds, with the planting of a cherry blossom tree and the scattering of Caroline’s ashes. All three agree that it is very fitting as Caroline’s final resting place.

At Bridge Farm, Johnny tells Tony that he doesn’t fancy college next year. That’s lucky, as Tony tells him that there could be a full-time job for him at Bridge Farm come Christmas. And what is this job? A good description could be ‘veg box supremo’ as Johnny would have total responsibility for the vegetable side of the business, from organising planting rotas to the paperwork and overseeing deliveries of veg boxes. Great, except that Johnny is thinking more about getting experience of operating pieces of farm machinery worth hundreds of thousands of pounds and has approached Adam about covering tractor driving for Geoff, who has put his back out. Adam is inclined to give Johnny a chance and offers him a job, much to Brian’s disgust (that is until Brian learns that Johnny would be paid apprentice rates).

Johnny breaks the news to Pat and Tony, with the bombshell that he would be starting right away and it would mean working at Home Farm three days a week. “Impossible!” Tony cries, and proceeds to outline reasons why it cannot happen. Reluctantly, Johnny agrees and, when we next return to Bridge Farm, Tony has done a complete volte face and he and Pat give Johnny their blessing to go ahead.

You will be delighted to know that Justin and Lilian have named the big day - it’s at Lower Loxley sometime in December - and she can talk of little else. Meanwhile, Adam and Ian have been having in-depth discussions following Ian’s revelation that he would like a child. It becomes obvious that, when it comes to babies, Adam doesn’t have a paternal bone in his body and the gulf between the pair seems unbridgeable. Lilian confesses that she didn’t like babies much (I must say she seemed to change her mind when Muppet came along - perhaps it’s because she could give him back) and she reminds Adam that they don’t stay babies for ever. The upshot is that Adam suggests to Ian that they look into the possibility of adoption. Ian is over the moon and Adam says that it wasn’t an easy decision, but he could not have Ian feeling unfulfilled. “This could be the start of something wonderful” says a thrilled Ian.

Adam suggests that they keep the news quiet for the time being and Ian lasts nearly 48 hours before he blows the gaff at a special evening meal at Home Farm, where he and Adam and Justin and Lilian are guests. To be fair to Ian, it was probably the only way to stop Lilian banging on about photographers and presents for the Best Man and Matron of Honour (Justin protests that they haven’t even chosen a Best Man yet). All are delighted for the couple, although there is an uncomfortable moment when Brian says “Will they let you?” (Awkward silence) “I mean, you’re not too old?” he adds, recovering somewhat. Brian leads the way to the Drawing Room and ‘a rather fine Armagnac’ by way of celebration. Lilian hugs Ian, and Jen, who lags behind with Adam, tells her son “I couldn’t be more delighted.” Adam, who said that he wasn’t expecting Ian to say anything quite so soon, adds “Good - me too.”

The Flower & Produce Show is looming on the horizon and the anxiety level is being ratcheted up a few notches among some villagers. Joe Grundy, particularly, is worried - not only is there his annual rivalry with Bert Fry, but this year there is an added factor - Cecil Jackson, a new face in the village. A new face, but not a new voice, as CJ doesn’t have a speaking part. We only know of him through others’ reports and these are alarming - apparently he has cabinets full of trophies, won at various Produce Shows across Borsetshire, and, something that makes Joe quake in his boots, he has raised beds in his greenhouse - a tactic that Joe describes with a degree of trepidation as ‘professional’. Another cameo involving the F&P show is that of Pat’s gooseberry jam - almost without exception, everybody hates it (the exception is Brian, but Jennifer explains that he did go to boarding school). Even Joe Grundy, who is not slow to grab any freebie going, tells Eddie that “it nearly took the roof off my mouth.” Jill presents Shula with a jar of the stuff and that is typical of what’s going on - jars of gooseberry jam are hurtling around Ambridge like  ticking parcels and no-one wants to be left holding one when the music stops.