Cecil Sweeps The Board

Edward Kelsey (Joe Grundy) and Eric Allen (Bert Fry)

with Cecil’s Award Winning Veg

The week kicked off with the Flower & Produce Show. Jennifer had entered her Frangipane Tarts in the pudding section and a late entry in the same section was Lexi’s Banitsa; a Bulgarian dessert made from apples, amongst other things. Jennifer is her usual, condescending self, telling Lexi not to be too disappointed when she doesn’t win. Bert and Joe tell Jennifer about their plan to not enter a number of categories, so that the terminally-ill Cecil Jackson can enjoy a moment or two of glory in his final days.

The show proved a triumph for Cecil, as he swept the board, winning category after category. In fact, the only things that he didn’t win were the Junior Tomatoes (George Grundy was victorious) and the Pudding section, where Lexi’s Banitsa was voted a knockout by judge Ian. Never mind, at least Bert and Joe had done something noble to cheer up a dying man. Except that Cecil isn’t dying - he’s off on a trekking holiday in the Himalayas with his daughter and the ill-health that he spoke about in The Bull (not that we heard him - his character doesn’t have a speaking part) was due to an adverse reaction to vaccinations for the trip. CJ does a dance of triumph and Roy kisses Lexi passionately, so at least they are happy. Meanwhile, Joe blames Bert (unfairly) for getting it all wrong and wonders if he (Joe) will be around long enough to win the Freda Fry ‘Best in Show’ cup next year.

Mark the date of 30th September in your diaries, as this is Kate’s 40^th birthday. Jennifer is planning a surprise, to which we are not privy, which got me thinking of what I’d like to give her. A one-way ticket to Antarctica and a very lightweight tent and summer clothing is favourite at the moment, but no doubt our inventive readers will have their own ideas. But Kate is acting oddly - even for Kate - as Brian watches her spread out a sheet on the ground, onto which she is tipping her possessions. Further investigation reveals that she is de-cluttering her life and everything that does not bring her joy is being thrown away.

Jennifer is appalled when she sees that some baby clothes that she made for Kate’s dolls are earmarked for the bin and she promptly rescues them, much to Kate’s annoyance. Brian notices that the rubbish pile includes bills and invoices from Kate’s business and he tries to explain to her how you have to keep such documents for five years in case there is a tax problem. Kate cannot get her head round this - they don’t bring her joy, so they’ve got to go. Brian, who wisely knows when to stop banging his head against a brick wall, says that he will find space for them. Let HMRC prosecute her, I say.

Kate further nonplusses her parents when she says that she doesn’t want any expensive presents; what she’d really, really like is for those close to her to tell her honestly what they think of her as a person. She’s looking for clear, objective criticism - what are her best qualities and what can she improve? Speaking personally, if I were asked for my opinion, the first part would take about three nano-seconds and I would still be listing areas for potential improvements when Kate was celebrating her 50^th birthday.

But let us pass on to the plans that Adam and Ian have to start their own family. Things are moving a bit fast for Adam, as Ian keeps moving the goalposts. First of all they were going to adopt an older child, then a baby, then Ian is keen to try to find a surrogate mother so he can be the child’s biological father. Adam is left floundering, especially when Ian tells him that there is a big get-together planned, which includes women who have been surrogates as well as those who want to try or just to find out more. Oh yes - can Adam try and finish work a couple of hours early on Thursday, as that’s the day of the get-together and it involves driving to London. At the party, Adam is concerned about what might happen if the mother changes her mind - Ian would have no legal standing as father. Ian dismisses this train of thought as defeatist and he is all for going ahead. It’s going to be a long and complicated road.

‘Complicated’ is also the best word to describe the developing relationship between Roy and Lexi. Speaking to Kirsty after the Banitsa-inspired kiss at the F&P Show, Roy admits that he has fallen for Lexi in a big way, but how can he tell her? What if she just wants to be friends? Roy, has anyone ever told you that you tend to over-think these things? Kirsty advises him to tell Lexi how he feels, but again, he says what’s the point, as she’ll be going back to Bulgaria in a few weeks.

Kirsty continues to beat him over the head and he eventually says that he will tell her and he arranges for them to spend time together at a pop-up food festival in Felpersham. Both are having a wonderful time and Roy is leading up to his big moment, telling Lexi that there’s something he needs to share with her. At this moment, her phone rings and it’s Lexi’s mother with bad news. Lexi’s aunt has broken her leg and mother needs to go and look after her sister. As such, she won’t be able to look after Lexi’s children and Lexi needs to come back to Bulgaria pronto. She doesn’t want to, but her children need her. A despondent Roy shelves the speech he was going to make and agrees the children must come first. “I’ll help you book a flight”, he says, mournfully.

Indeed he does and, more than that, he drives her to the airport and offers to stay with her until she goes airside. Lexi says she’d like that and, when the time comes for her to leave, she asks Roy for one last hug. Roy almost tells her how he feels, but, as he explains to Kirsty later at The Bull, he didn’t think it fair and now he’s heartbroken. “I’ll never see her again - why does it always happen to me?” he moans. Roy, Bulgaria isn’t really the other side of the Galaxy, is it? I’ve just checked online and there is a return flight to Sofia for £19, which sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Still, Roy is obviously suffering and woe betide anyone who approaches him and says ‘Parting is such sweet sorrow.’ Despondently, he leaves the pub and returns to his empty house.

The Brookfield Archer children continue to bicker (well, at least Pip and Josh do - Ben seems to have vanished and is only referred to in passing). Josh has bought a new loader to do up and sell. Correction; Josh has bought an old (at least 20 years old, David reckons) loader. No, that’s still wrong - Josh has acquired a 20-year old loader but hasn’t actually paid for it, but he reckons it will still be a good deal and he can sell it on, pay the vendor and be quids in. Pip mockingly derides this as “coming straight out of the Eddie Grundy book of business management” and Josh retaliates by calling his sister “a wage slave” because she has taken on more contract milking.

It seems that Pip was more right than she realised, as next day Josh wants to know where is his loader? It appears to have been nicked (truly a Grundyesque scenario). David reminds his son that, as he hadn’t paid for the loader, it wasn’t legally his and he isn’t insured. Josh says that surely they can claim under the farm insurance? David however says that claiming for something that wasn’t legally Josh’s sounds very much like fraud to him and the answer is ‘no’. Josh then says what if he managed to find a document proving his ownership - it’s only a matter of dates after all. “Forgery as well as fraud.” David muses. Josh is beside himself - he owes nearly £3,000. “What am I going to do?” he wails. Around six months is my guess.

The situation whereby Johnny is working at Home Farm has unforeseen repercussions for a number of people. Firstly, Ed Grundy gets to hear about it and he is unhappy, as he was always first in line for extra work and, as he pointedly reminds Adam, he has never let him down. Adam says that Johnny approached him and he is Adam’s cousin, after all, but Ed storms off, believing that Johnny got the work because he is only being paid as an apprentice. That’s another friendship being put under pressure.

Bridge Farm is suffering too, as they are one man down on getting the potato harvest in. Tom approaches Susan and Clarrie and says that he’d like a staff meeting later that day as “we need to restructure our overall labour strategy.” Susan immediately assumes that this is all to do with Kefir and is convinced that someone (guess who) will be sent on a course to learn about the managerial side of being responsible for fermented foods. Susan shares her thoughts with Clarrie and is practically mentally choosing the furniture for her new office.

Tom turns up for the meeting and says that not having Johnny on the team full time has thrown up logistical problems “and we need to build in flexibility and make changes in working practices.” Susan bangs on about courses in fermented foods, and Tom is bemused, as he’s talking about something totally different. Indeed, we learn later that he is expecting the two women to put in some time in the polytunnels, cutting vegetables for the veg boxes. Susan is bitterly disappointed, saying that her work on Kefir was wasted and the new situation is such a waste of her talents. Exactly what talents these are, except for an over-active imagination and an ability to jump unerringly to the wrong conclusion, we never find out.

As the week progresses, tension rises as Sunday is the day of the big game - the grudge cricket match with Darrington. Extra spice was added this year by PCB’s fictitious e-mail, purporting to come from the Darrington captain and PCB is desperate to win (recent results have been disappointing.) So keen is PCB that there is a three-line whip on attending nets, which are being held on practically every day.

On Friday, the Darrington team and supporters take over The Bull and, in what PCB describes as “a deliberate provocation”, have offered Ambridge the chance of forfeiting the match. Not only that, but they are constantly chanting insults. The answer? Get Ambridge supporters to chant even louder - David gets to the pub and apparently they have been doing just that for over two hours - you can see why Tom left to go home and I bet the noise is really popular with any customers who couldn’t give a toss about cricket.

However, as Rex tells PCB, Tracy had a secret plan to scupper Darrington, which he had to talk her out of. Apparently, it involved ball tampering and, according to Rex “apparently Tracy is an expert on that.” I just bet she is.

Killer On The Loose

There’s a homicidal maniac stalking the streets of Ambridge, with dead bodies carefully buried in the garden of The Lodge. The scene of carnage was uncovered by Robert Snell, who was delivering a squirrel-proof bird feeder and looking for the best place to put it. Having found a likely spot, he discovers a veritable necropolis, with bodies of birds, frogs and small mammals neatly interred. The perpetrator is none other than Hilda Ogden, the feline killing machine and Peggy is her Accessory After The Fact, covering up (literally) evidence of Hilda’s mass slaughter.

This is too much for Robert, who says that he couldn’t possibly condone putting a bird feeder in the garden, as this would only encourage Hilda’s nefarious activities. He is presumably worried that Hilda will come back one day with a dead lamb and he sternly tells Peggy to sort the problem out. She rings Pat to see if Tony could take her and Hilda to see Alistair to see what can be done. Tony tells Pat that he’d only do so if it were for her final journey - we assume he was talking about Hilda, rather than Peggy - and the short straw is eventually drawn by Adam. He’s no fool and takes along a pair of heavy duty industrial gloves to deal with the cat. PC Burns, who happened along, says that Hilda looks ‘quite sweet’ in her basket and Peggy demonstrates her blind spot as far as Hilda is concerned by remarking sharply that Hilda is very sweet - she’s just misunderstood. Presumably Peggy thought that Hitler wasn’t a bad bloke underneath it all.

What can Alistair do? He comes up with the idea of a collar fitted with a bell, which everyone believes is an ideal solution. The only trouble is who will fit the collar on an increasingly fractious cat? Sounds like a job for a vet and later Peggy tells Jennifer that the collar was eventually fitted, after a considerable struggle.

Jennifer had an eventful week, checking up on Lexi’s caravan-cleaning performance, which doesn’t meet Jen’s high standards. Lexi has two particularly filthy caravans to deal with and phones Roy to tell him that she can’t make their date tonight, as she’ll be working late. Roy, bless him, turns up to give Lexi a hand and she is touched. Roy is hosing down the exterior of one of the vans and manages to totally soak his jeans. As he and Lexi laugh about it, Jennifer turns up with a supply of bin bags and hears Roy saying something about getting his trousers off and she cops an eyeful. Jennifer has an attack of the vapours and runs off, leaving Lexi laughing hysterically and Roy very embarrassed and shouting after Jennifer, trying unsuccessfully to explain.

I am very much afraid that Pip and Toby might be getting back together. He is going out with Kitty, the glamorous yet high maintenance girl who appears to be cutting a swathe through the manhood of Ambridge (well, Roy and Toby). Toby asks Pip if she would come to The Bull and meet Kitty, who has expressed a desire to meet Toby’s ex - something that Pip, and indeed I, find a bit weird. In the event, Tracy forces Pip to accompany her to the pub and manages to upset Kitty by telling her that Toby bought her and Pip a drink.

Pip tells Toby that Kitty isn’t the girl for him (he has shaved his chest hair and eyebrows to please Kitty) and that there’s no point in pursuing a relationship that doesn’t work (and she should know). He tells her the next day that he has dumped Kitty and, when she asks how he did it, he says the same way that Pip dumped him - short and sharp. He also says that he is getting together a team for a pub quiz and is Pip interested in joining the team? She says yes eventually - don’t do it Pip; you’ve been happy without Toby, so keep it that way. Oh yes; and ask him for your five grand back.

The biggest story of the week is the ‘will they, won’t they?’ saga of whether Ian and Adam will adopt a child. It was only the end of the previous week that Ian let slip the news that they were thinking of adopting and, on Sunday morning, Oliver congratulates Ian. Oliver says that he has fond memories of when he and Caroline fostered teenagers - it was challenging, but very worthwhile. How did Oliver know about the adoption? Phoebe was in the shop earlier and must have mentioned it. Ian shouldn’t really be surprised by the speed and efficiency of the Ambridge rumour mill - he’s lived there long enough. Also on Sunday, Ian gets another reminder when Roy invites him to the pub “as I want to hear about the adoption.” “Who told you?” asks Ian, to which Roy replies “Phoebe, Saturday; Susan this morning: Lynda 10 minutes ago - take your pick, mate.”

On Tuesday, Adam and Ian attend ‘an adoption event’, which is very well attended and they get talking to a couple - Sian and Rachid - who are also keen to adopt. It turned out that Sian spent some time at Spiritual Home over the summer and she describes Kate as “warm, welcoming and so very grounded”, which causes Adam to choke on his coffee and the rest of us to wonder who this other Kate can be. In fact, later on in the week, Jennifer congratulates Kate on the success that she has made of Spiritual Home. “Much to Dad’s surprise” says Kate. I must admit that I’m pretty damn amazed, myself - I can only assume that Kate got a manager in to oversee the project, or that Sian is a rubbish judge of character and Jennifer ditto of what makes a business successful.

But back to Ian and Adam. The adoption event is pretty intense and goes into great detail about what is involved. Adam, who had really initially gone along with the adoption idea to make Ian happy, becomes an enthusiastic convert to the cause and is all for going ahead. On the other hand, Ian seems less sure and he dwells on the sadness and heartache that he sensed at the meeting. Adam asks his husband what is the matter and it transpires that Ian has been having second thoughts about adopting an older child. In conversation with Helen, she reminds him how he originally wanted to father a child with a surrogate mother “I just want a child - it’s as simple as that” Ian tells her, adding that he could get adoption leave from Grey Gables.

Only it isn’t - in a heart to heart with Adam, Ian says they might be jumping the gun. He talks about the sadness in the room with those without children and says “We haven’t tried for our own baby yet.” “You’re talking about surrogacy again” Adam says and Ian admits that he would like to go for it. Adam is finding this hard to take in but Ian continues, saying: “Our own baby would be the most amazing thing in the world” and he is ‘more than certain’ that this is what he wants. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what we’ll do.” Adam tells him. Obviously this story is going to run and run. Who would you pick for a surrogate mother?

The Flower & Produce Show is almost upon us. Lexi apparently bakes something amazing (in Roy’s opinion, anyway) which he says would really put Jennifer’s nose out of joint. Talking about the F&PS earlier, Jennifer explains to Lexi that it can get very competitive, especially among the older men of the village. By this, she means Joe Grundy and Bert Fry, whose rivalry is legendary. But wait! This year is different, as there is a newcomer in Ambridge - one Cecil Jackson, who apparently has a track record of stunning successes in similar shows over the years. It appears that CJ could pose a real threat to Bert and Joe and the latter suggests that the two of them join forces to confront the Jackson threat, or else CJ will win every category on Sunday.

All very well, but how to do it? One suggestion is that they only submit one entry between them in each class, but the trouble is that they are both convinced that their carrots, marrows, onions etc are the best and neither will defer to the other. It’s a problem, but things take a bizarre turn when Joe and Bert meet Tony in The Bull, where Tony has offered to buy Bert a drink. While Bert rings the date on his calendar, Joe’s ears prick up at the words ‘drink’ and ‘buy’ and he nearly chokes himself, trying to down his pint after Tony has said “I see you’re OK for a drink, Joe.”

When Tony returns, he has potentially grave news. At the bar, he was chatting to CJ, who has just come back from the doctor’s - not only that, but it was his third visit this week. CJ told Jolene that there would not be any more visits - he would be gone soon, whereupon he turned ashen and Jolene had to offer him a brandy on the house. Tony leaves and Bert and Joe discuss the possible implications of what they have just been told - this changes everything and Bert says that they should make sure that Cecil wins something if this is to be his last show. To ensure this, he and Joe should pull out of a number of categories to improve Cecil’s chances. I await with anticipation to find out how this is all going to backfire on Bert and Joe.

Johnny is enjoying his work at Home Farm and is keen to get his hands on some expensive kit in coming weeks. Bert watches him ploughing at Bridge Farm with a rather less sophisticated and expensive tractor and Ambridge’s own ploughmeister declares himself to be impressed with Johnny’s performance - not only is he a natural stockman, it seems, but he’s a bit of a wizard with a plough, not to mention a valuable member of the cricket team and a useful all-rounder. What next? Will he prove to be a genius with Kefir and other fermented products, or will he crash and burn after being totally knackered, working all the hours at the two farms and fitting in college and cricket? I’m just surprised that Johnny isn’t entering anything into the Flower & Produce Show, but there’s always next year.

Take Your Patronage Elsewhere, Jennifer

Angela Piper (Jennifer Aldridge)

In the past, I have commented ‘nobody does patronising quite like Brian Aldridge’. Well, dear readers, I was wrong, as events last week illustrated that, when it comes to talking down to people, Brian’s wife Jennifer is right up there with him.

It happened when Lexi was helping her to clean the caravans, newly-vacated by the pickers, who have returned home - or rather, Jen was giving orders while Lexi did the cleaning - and Jennifer asked whether Lexi thought that the pickers had enjoyed themselves. True, there was the racist unpleasantness at the Fete, but Jennifer was confident that this was a small price to pay for staying somewhere as special as Ambridge.

Jen has found that the pickers are always impressed by Ambridge; presumably because “it must be a contrast to what they are used to - more affluent and developed.” The boys especially, Jen continues, are particularly impressed when they see the cars and houses - only natural when their countries are catching up. Ambridge must seem like a dream when they arrive. Lexi hails from Bulgaria, where, according to the Internet, they appear to have houses and even cars, and being addressed as some kind of semi-civilised peasant grates somewhat. I suppose she is lucky that Jennifer didn’t talk about ‘the big, silver bird that brought you across the sea’ or the ‘iron horse that transported you to Ambridge’, where they were given accommodation in luxury tin boxes, called caravans.

Whatever, Lexi is not happy and gets her own back by quoting a passage from ’Mistress of the Paddocks’ - the novel that is generally recognised around Ambridge as a thinly-veiled account of Jennifer and Brian’s numerous sexual indiscretions over the years. Stung, Jennifer angrily dismisses the book as “overrated” and tells Lexi sharply to get on with scrubbing the walls, and to put her back into it. Tempers are rising, when Roy appears, ostensibly to return Phoebe’s equipment used on the picking job. He deftly turns the conversation to his daughter’s forthcoming trip to Budapest, which he says was inspired by Jennifer’s and Brian’s reports following their recent visit. Apparently there wasn’t a mud hut to be seen and they had boats and restaurants and everything.

Roy is not so much laying it on with a trowel as employing a shovel, but the tactic works, as the unpleasantness between the two women is forgotten. Jen proceeds to give Roy a list of ‘must do’s’ for Phoebe in Budapest - a list which Lexi quietly, but acidly, suggests will cost her a fortune and she (Lexi) took her daughter to the public park, or one of the museums (yes Jen, they have those too).

Jennifer asks Roy if he is going anywhere near Borchester and, when he says he is, she suggests that he gives Lexi a lift, as she’s heading that way too. He agrees and the two leave. Jennifer is not only patronising, but tends to overlook the bleedin’ obvious and she is blissfully unaware that Roy and Lexi are an item. Indeed, Roy’s real reason in visiting Home Farm was to pick Lexi up and, as he tells Lexi on the way to his car, he heard the raised voices “and stepped in before you started thumping each other.” When they are out of Jennifer’s sight, the pair kiss.

A day earlier, Roy was showing Lexi around Ambridge, without making it obvious that they are a couple and, whenever they meet someone, the talk turns to cricket (a game which Lexi has no interest in). She and Roy agree that it has been a nice afternoon, but Lexi’s feet hurt and she asks if there’s anywhere they can go. Roy says that there’s no-one at home and they could go there. Lexi says “Good, we can talk about cricket. Or maybe find something else to do.” Roy - don’t blow it now; she doesn’t really want to talk cricket, honest.

So, how did this happen? We have been urging Roy for weeks to pull his finger put and do something about getting to know Lexi before she goes back to Bulgaria - after all, if Jennifer is to be believed, there might not be a phone network available to reach her in her home country. The catalyst for this coming together was Phoebe, but things didn’t quite go as Roy planned. He had intended to have a heart-to-heart with his daughter and tells her that he knows about the pregnancy test. Phoebe reacts angrily and tells him that she is always careful and she’s 19 years old for God’s sake. Roy points out, quite reasonably, that the pregnancy test is evidence that she isn’t always careful, but Phoebe says that there was a slight chance that she was pregnant, but she isn’t and she never wants to hear anything about the subject ever again. End of.

Roy says that bringing Lexi into it (Lily told him that the test was Lexi’s) proved embarrassing and Phoebe ferrets out the fact that Roy and Lexi had attended a book reading together. She asks if he fancies her and - taking the fact that he goes bright red as a ‘yes’ - refuses to let him eat or do anything until he has called Lexi and arranged a date, and this is where we came in.

We’ve spent a lot of time on Roy, but I’m pleased for him and it will be interesting to see how - or even if - the relationship between them continues. Lexi has family back in Bulgaria, so the logistics of any on-going romantic development could be problematic, or at least involve utilising the big silver bird. We’ll have to wait and see if Roy has found a soulmate, or if this is just a (very abridged) summer romance. Personally, I hope it’s not the latter, but time will tell.

It was D-Day for the staff at Grey Gables on Monday and Roy (whose actor really earned his corn last week) and Lynda are sorting through the stuff left in rooms by guests (mainly chargers) and discussing possible futures - what will Oliver decide? We soon know, as Oliver calls a staff meeting and lets them all know that, when push came to shove, he just couldn’t let Grey Gables go and it’s not for sale; not now, nor in the foreseeable future. Cue cheers and applause for Oliver, who tells the staff that he will be residing in The Grosvenor suite from now on - that’s got to adversely affect the profit margin, surely?

The following day, Oliver, Ed and Shula meet for a private memorial ceremony for Caroline in the Grey Gables’ grounds, with the planting of a cherry blossom tree and the scattering of Caroline’s ashes. All three agree that it is very fitting as Caroline’s final resting place.

At Bridge Farm, Johnny tells Tony that he doesn’t fancy college next year. That’s lucky, as Tony tells him that there could be a full-time job for him at Bridge Farm come Christmas. And what is this job? A good description could be ‘veg box supremo’ as Johnny would have total responsibility for the vegetable side of the business, from organising planting rotas to the paperwork and overseeing deliveries of veg boxes. Great, except that Johnny is thinking more about getting experience of operating pieces of farm machinery worth hundreds of thousands of pounds and has approached Adam about covering tractor driving for Geoff, who has put his back out. Adam is inclined to give Johnny a chance and offers him a job, much to Brian’s disgust (that is until Brian learns that Johnny would be paid apprentice rates).

Johnny breaks the news to Pat and Tony, with the bombshell that he would be starting right away and it would mean working at Home Farm three days a week. “Impossible!” Tony cries, and proceeds to outline reasons why it cannot happen. Reluctantly, Johnny agrees and, when we next return to Bridge Farm, Tony has done a complete volte face and he and Pat give Johnny their blessing to go ahead.

You will be delighted to know that Justin and Lilian have named the big day - it’s at Lower Loxley sometime in December - and she can talk of little else. Meanwhile, Adam and Ian have been having in-depth discussions following Ian’s revelation that he would like a child. It becomes obvious that, when it comes to babies, Adam doesn’t have a paternal bone in his body and the gulf between the pair seems unbridgeable. Lilian confesses that she didn’t like babies much (I must say she seemed to change her mind when Muppet came along - perhaps it’s because she could give him back) and she reminds Adam that they don’t stay babies for ever. The upshot is that Adam suggests to Ian that they look into the possibility of adoption. Ian is over the moon and Adam says that it wasn’t an easy decision, but he could not have Ian feeling unfulfilled. “This could be the start of something wonderful” says a thrilled Ian.

Adam suggests that they keep the news quiet for the time being and Ian lasts nearly 48 hours before he blows the gaff at a special evening meal at Home Farm, where he and Adam and Justin and Lilian are guests. To be fair to Ian, it was probably the only way to stop Lilian banging on about photographers and presents for the Best Man and Matron of Honour (Justin protests that they haven’t even chosen a Best Man yet). All are delighted for the couple, although there is an uncomfortable moment when Brian says “Will they let you?” (Awkward silence) “I mean, you’re not too old?” he adds, recovering somewhat. Brian leads the way to the Drawing Room and ‘a rather fine Armagnac’ by way of celebration. Lilian hugs Ian, and Jen, who lags behind with Adam, tells her son “I couldn’t be more delighted.” Adam, who said that he wasn’t expecting Ian to say anything quite so soon, adds “Good - me too.”

The Flower & Produce Show is looming on the horizon and the anxiety level is being ratcheted up a few notches among some villagers. Joe Grundy, particularly, is worried - not only is there his annual rivalry with Bert Fry, but this year there is an added factor - Cecil Jackson, a new face in the village. A new face, but not a new voice, as CJ doesn’t have a speaking part. We only know of him through others’ reports and these are alarming - apparently he has cabinets full of trophies, won at various Produce Shows across Borsetshire, and, something that makes Joe quake in his boots, he has raised beds in his greenhouse - a tactic that Joe describes with a degree of trepidation as ‘professional’. Another cameo involving the F&P show is that of Pat’s gooseberry jam - almost without exception, everybody hates it (the exception is Brian, but Jennifer explains that he did go to boarding school). Even Joe Grundy, who is not slow to grab any freebie going, tells Eddie that “it nearly took the roof off my mouth.” Jill presents Shula with a jar of the stuff and that is typical of what’s going on - jars of gooseberry jam are hurtling around Ambridge like  ticking parcels and no-one wants to be left holding one when the music stops.

Kirsty Plays Cupid

Annabelle Dowler (Kirsty Miller)

Kirsty has decided that if Roy is to get anywhere with Lexi, he needs a gentle shove. To be honest, he needs a massive kick up the backside, but Kirsty doesn’t know about Roy finding Phoebe’s pregnancy test in his bathroom and the fiction made up by Lily that it was left there by Lexi, who is seeing Konstantin, one of the pickers. I hope you followed that, as I will be asking questions.

On Sunday, Adam has organised a cricket knockabout for the pickers, many of whom have never heard of the game and whose interest is zero. Lexi is there with Kirsty and Roy turns up with a very attractive girl on his arm. It turns out that the girl - Kit - spends all her time looking at her phone and, when Roy offers to show her round the village, she makes an excuse and leaves. Actually that’s not quite accurate, as she goes to the loo, then leaves, then texts Roy a rather lame excuse later. Kirsty takes the opportunity to leave Roy and Lexi alone.

So how did things go? Kirsty is keen to know, but Roy says she couldn’t keep her eyes off Konstantin, who was half naked, like a Greek god. On Tuesday, Kirsty is giving Lexi one of her Conversational English sessions at home when Roy walks in. Kirsty invites Lexi to stay for supper, but she replies that she has to go as it is her turn to cook. Kirsty urges Roy to go after her and offer her a lift but he doesn’t. Why not? Kirsty demands and Roy says she’s leaving in a few weeks and besides, she’s got Konstantin to keep her happy.

Time for Plan B. Kirsty persuades Lexi to go with her to a book signing by a popular author of horror books. Roy also turns up, having been invited by Kirsty, who promptly says she’s going home and leaving the two of them together. This is marginally more subtle than handcuffing the two of them together and stuffing a packet of contraceptives in Roy’s pocket, but the time for subtlety is over. Anyway, it appears to work, as the two of them get on well and, when they are queuing up for a book signing, Lexi confesses that there were some parts of the talk that she didn’t understand - what, for instance, is a ‘bonkbuster’?

If Roy were, for the sake of argument, Toby, he would seize the opportunity and say ‘it’s difficult to put into words, but if you come round mine, I can show you’ but he isn’t, and doesn’t. Instead he explains the term. It appears that this relationship is moving at the speed of an arthritic centipede carrying the weekly shopping, then Lexi says that she has enjoyed herself “and I’m just sad that it is finishing so early.” For once in his life, Roy picks up on a cue and says “but it doesn’t have to, does it?” and the next thing we know, the pair are sitting in a wine bar and chatting. Instead of enjoying the moment, Roy says that Lexi would probably be happier spending the time with Konstantin. Lexi is mystified - this is the second time that Roy has mentioned Konstantin; why would she want to be with him? “He’s 25 years old and has the brains of a slug” she tells Roy, “so why would I want to be with him?”

If I may digress here, Lexi’s pronouncement would seem to indicate that Toby would stand no chance with her, and we’re not talking about his age either, but back to the wine bar. Roy tells Lexi the story about finding the pregnancy test (this is the first she’s heard of it) and that Phoebe and Lily told him that Lexi was seeing Konstantin. “They must have got it muddled up somehow” says a confused Roy, but Lexi is quicker on the uptake: “when Phoebe comes back (she’s away for a couple of nights) you need to have a serious talk with her” she says, drily. Come on Roy - Lexi is going home in a few weeks and Phoebe’s away with a friend, this is the ideal opportunity to get to know Lexi better and let Phoebe find a pregnancy test in the bathroom - she can worry for a change.

Elsewhere, Adam is full of angst over seeing Lilian and Matt kiss and embrace and Ian is all for telling Justin what’s going on, saying that it does no good to keep these things secret - look at the damage that Helen’s silence about Adam kissing Charlie did to Adam and Ian’s relationship. Adam is reluctant, hoping that there is some explanation other than that Lilian is playing away with Matt. On Tuesday, he has to endure a BL Board meeting (you will be delighted to know that Home Farm retained the contract to farm the Estate land, although Justin had to beat Martyn Gibson to a pulp) followed by drinks and sandwiches for Justin, Brian and himself at Grey Gables. Throughout lunch, Adam is squirming as Justin expresses his love for Lilian and repeatedly says what a lucky man he is to have found her.

On Thursday Adam confronts Lilian at the Dower House (Justin is away) and tells her what he saw at Grey Gables, with Lilian leaving Matt’s suite and them kissing and hugging. Lilian says that she was intrigued by Matt’s remorse - an emotion that he has never shown before - and the kiss marked the end of something, rather than a continuing affair. She loves Justin and will make him a good wife - Matt is the past (apparently he has checked out of Grey Gables) and Justin is all the future she needs. Adam is uncomfortable, because the whole situation reminds him of the difficulties that he and Ian faced - and indeed, still do. Lilian suggests that he does something really special for Ian to show him how he is feeling.

Adam takes this to heart. So what does he do - book the Orient Express? First Class tickets to some romantic destination? Not quite - Ian rings him up (Adam is getting some end of the day work in on a tractor, or combine or some other piece of agricultural machinery) and Adam tells him not to cook tonight, as he’s ordering a takeaway with all the trimmings from the Star of Mumbai (other Indian restaurants are available). Not only that, but Adam suggests that they eat outside and - the piece de resistance - he has a bottle of New Zealand Riesling chilling in Jennifer’s fridge (always assuming of course that Lilian hasn’t found it on a visit to Home Farm).

I was not convinced that this was a good idea - the nights are drawing in and, here in East Anglia at least, it tends to get a bit parky when the sun goes down. Adam waxes lyrical about the stars, although they don’t give off much heat, and presumably Ian, being a chef, is just pleased to be outside in the fresh air, even if it is dark. Adam asks Ian if he’d help him finish off the wine and Ian says ok, as he hasn’t got to be in work till the afternoon. Come on you lightweight! We are talking one bottle of wine between two and at least 12 hours before you have to be in work; get it down your neck and ask for the dessert wine and digestif trolley.

Adam asks Ian if they are OK and the chef replies that he’s ‘content enough’. Adam is dissatisfied - that sounds like second best; if Ian could make one change to make him happier, what would it be? Ian replies that Adam knows the answer to that - he’d like a child “if I could be sure that I was bringing it into a secure and happy home, loved by both parents” but the week ends with Ian asking whether that is a description of himself and Adam? Same-sex parents - I can hear the Susan Carter gob engaging overdrive already.

As well as getting on my nerves, Susan seems to be annoying Oliver. He goes into the shop to buy some stuff for the Bank Holiday picnic, to which Ed has invited him, but he says that he won’t be going. The tab comes to £24 and Susan, who is as subtle as a dustbin full of lard, offers to put it on the slate for him if he’s short of money. Oliver is getting a bit pissed off with her continued harping on about his supposed poverty and says sharply “I wouldn’t have come in if I didn’t have the money.” This is way too subtle for Susan and she also doesn’t grasp the implied rebuke when Oliver refers to “the misplaced concerns which you have shared with the whole village.” Way too subtle Oliver - if you want Susan to realise that you are upset with her, you’re going to have to tell her that she’s a nosey cow who is too quick to jump to conclusions and why doesn’t she mind her own business and keep her nose out of other people’s business? Mind you, even then Susan would probably put it down to him feeling low, or suffering from a touch of indigestion.

Oliver goes to see Emma to tell her that he won’t be going to the picnic but he is waylaid by Keira who hugs his legs and is obviously pleased to see him. How can he not go now? He enjoys himself and says that this is the first time that he has laughed since Caroline died. He and Emma reminisce about Caroline and this makes him sentimental and he apologises to Emma for getting emotional. Emma replies that you can only be embarrassed in front of strangers “and we’re not strangers; we’re family.” I’d like to report that, upon realising that this makes him kin with, among others, Susan, Eddie, Will, Joe and assorted Horrobins, Oliver dissolved into floods of tears and reached for the cheese knife as the only handy sharp object, but in reality he was quite touched.

Oliver’s inability to decide what he is going to do in the future is exercising the minds of a lot of people. The Grundys seem quite satisfied that their tenure at Grange Farm is assured and, despite what I may have written earlier, there appears to be genuine affection on both sides, with the Grundys caring about Oliver as a friend (or family, if they insist) to be consoled rather than as a landlord to be sucked up to. Someone else who is interested in Oliver’s future is Peggy, who treats him to afternoon tea. Oliver tells her of his indecision - should he stay or go to New York and sell Grey Gables? Peggy remembers when, in the time before she and Jack were married, he was going through a tough time and his work - and especially how owning Grey Gables - put him at the heart of the community and got him through. Oliver asks whether Peggy is saying that he should forget New York? Her reply is that it’s not up to her, but there are many people who consider that Ambridge is where he really belongs. We know what you really think, Peggy.

And now we have a health warning - beware of exploding breakfasts. Last week was the judging day between Clarrie’s and Susan’s recipes for Kefir. Susan was quietly confident that her numerous varieties would win the day. Sadly, she took them out of the fridge and left them and they exploded all over the kitchen. Neil was not happy - the smell of sour milk was making his eyes sting and he was off to the pigs (presumably for some not-so-very-fresh air), leaving her to clear up the mess. In fact, this was a new, dominant Neil who, as he left his wife standing amid a kitchen liberally festooned with a mess of fermenting yoghurt, almost snarled: “And when I get back, Kefir had better be a dim and distant memory.” Steady on Neil; carry on like this and you’ll soon be demanding to be in sole charge of the TV remote control.