Do You Want To Know A Secret?

Stephen Kennedy (Ian Craig)

There were a number of people in Ambridge last week telling their secrets and then exhorting other people not to tell anyone about it. The week began with Rob suggesting to Helen that they keep their engagement secret (sounds like a good excuse not to buy a ring to me). Rob then rang Jess when Helen was out of the way and told her that "there's no need to get in a state – we can take things slowly." Hmm. The suspense surrounding Rob continues to gather.

Helen has obviously never heard of the old adage 'he that would keep a secret should keep it secret that he has a secret to keep' as she is going round the village with a smile like a grand piano keyboard. At lunch with Ian, he remarks that she is positively glowing and Helen tells him about Jess agreeing to the divorce. Helen then lets the cat out of the bag when she says that she thought she'd have to wait at least two years before Rob was free …"To do what?" pounces Ian and Helen tells him about Rob's proposal.

She begs Ian not to tell anyone, as he is the first person she's told. Also, please don't tell Rob that he knows, as Rob wants it to be their secret. Ian, however, says that he cannot possibly hide the news from Adam and, when Ian returns home, it takes about three nano-seconds to spill the beans. Adam is both surprised and sceptical, saying that, when couples start keeping secrets from each other "it's the start of a slippery slope." Well done Helen – one lunch and the number of people who know your secret has doubled. It bodes ill.

We also had Rooooth bursting into tears at the end of the week when Jill tells her that she looks washed out and exhausted. Rooooth begs Jill not to tell David about her crying. I reckon we are in for a major crisis in Rooooth's life, as all week there have been hints that she isn't looking too good and David has been saying that she's looking tired. Good job that Jill has been handling all the domestic chores, or else Rooooth would have collapsed about Tuesday.

It was a busy week for Daniel, whose pancake filling ('Montezuma's Revenge') won the award for the nastiest topping in the pancake tasting at The Bull. Daniel has also organised an Ambridge assault course for Sports Relief and Fallon joins in enthusiastically. It sounds like it could be a bit difficult, but Fallon managed to talk Daniel out of using live ammunition and flame throwers to gee up contestants a bit.

The assault course brought together an unlikely alliance, when Emma and Nic agreed to take part together. Whatever next? Will and Ed as partners in a three-legged race?

Fallon revealed that Rhys is handing in his notice to go and work in an uncle's bar in Cardiff and she won't be going back with him. So much for love's young dream and Fallon wants to move out of the flat and go back to living at The Bull while Rhys works his notice.

At Home Farm, Brian is begging Adam for jobs outside so that he can escape from Jennifer's remorseless banging on about a new kitchen and, even worse, trying to engage Brian in the decision-making process - like he cares. He talks to Adam about Jennifer wanting 'statement taps'. Adam is intrigued – what statement could a tap make? "Look at me, I'm expensive," says a jaundiced Brian. Just sign the cheques Brian and make sure that the corkscrew is kept in an easily-accessible place.

More tension between Tom and Tony when Tony's cows get out and invade the field where Tom's pigs are, knocking over the electric fence and trashing the feeders. Tom takes it in good part, saying "accidents will happen Dad". And if you believe that, you obviously don't know Tom's character. In fact, Tom goes off on one, telling his father that he bought the cows (without consulting Tom), so he should be more careful about looking after them. Tom also suggests that Tony wants to run Tom's pigs off the farm – at which Tony calls his son 'paranoid'. Tom carries on being both offensive and self-pitying, saying he has had a wasted morning and then he goes off to have lunch with Kirsty. Tom gives her earache, telling her just what he thinks of his Dad and is surprised when Kirsty suggests that perhaps Tom is over-reacting just a tad? Anyway, they ask Alice to be their (unpaid) wedding planner and she jumps at the chance, presumably planning to hold the wedding as far from Ambridge as possible.

The weather featured heavily once again, with a burst water main meaning that the village has no mains water and the water company came round with bowsers. This happened on Shrove Tuesday – the night of the pancake competition in The Bull – and, after the final judging, Kenton is in upbeat form, telling everybody "We may be short of water, but we haven't drunk the pub dry yet." I was hoping that Lilian would turn up and make him eat (drink?) his words.