The Stars Stand Still In Their Courses

Sunny Ormonde (Lilian Bellamy)

There was a shock of monumental proportions in Ambridge on Friday when Lilian walked into The Bull and ordered a tonic water! On its own! The pub hasn't experienced anything as earth-shattering since the day Tony took Tom down to the pub and said "I'm in the chair."

That bombshell aside, it has been a difficult week for Lilian, who is in need of someone to talk to and she asks Jolene if she's doing anything on Friday evening. "Apart from running the pub?" Jolene replies, but then relents and says that she's sure they can get along without her. I'm sure they can – God knows they've had enough practice when Lilian has been pouring her heart out to Jolene night after night.

Lilian has heard from Matt, who let slip that Brenda has been with him in Moscow. Lilian tries to tap Mike for information with all the subtlety of a tap dancing elephant, but he gives nothing away. Shortly after this, we learn that Mike has had a phone call from his daughter and she is back in the UK somewhere. Meanwhile Matt is still exiled on Radio 4 Extra. One bright spot in Lilian's week – Anthea is proving to be a treasure. Just as well really, as Lilian seems intent on proving that she couldn't run a whelk stall on her own, never mind AmSide.

It was a bad week for David; not only have Rooooth and Pip deserted him, but he managed to tip a full trailer over in a ditch. Luckily Brian was able to come to the rescue with his 'big tractor' and his 'magic grain sucker', both of which sound as if they have come from a programme about farming on CBEEBIES. This made David late for the silent film show (a great idea on a radio programme) and led to Josh taking the mickey and threatening to post photos on the village website. Be careful Josh, or you might find all your eggs mysteriously smashed one night.

The film shows (there was an early and a late showing) proved a runaway success, raising over £2,800. From that figure, you could be forgiven for assuming that Lilian went and is back on the gin, but she was one of the few who didn't attend. Two others who didn't attend were Rob and Helen – both had tickets, but both decided not to go in case they bumped into the other.

However, all change on Friday when, having a cosy supper with Ian, Helen learns that Rob never went home to Hampshire. Helen bales out of the supper and rings Rob – having established that he is at Blossom Hill cottage, she tells him "I'm coming over". Hardly has he opened the door when she's ripping his clothes off and he just has time to tell her that he thinks about her all the time and "your friendship means so much to me." "It's more than friendship" Helen replies and then proceeds to demonstrate exactly how much more, which involved lots of bumping into each other. The week ends with much sound of kissing and moans of "Oh Rob" and "Oh Helen". I must say that I'm enjoying this storyline and I can't wait for Pat and Tony to find out. Wouldn't it be great if Rob and Helen got married and Tony had to give her away? I'd pay money to see that – even more if Tony had to make a speech, welcoming Rob into the family.

Kirsty volunteers to meet Tom down the pub to talk about marketing Ready Meals – we had another momentous revelation when Tom admitted that he was starting to get fed up with sausage casserole Ready Meals. He's fed up? I'm fed up and I've never even had one. Kirsty and Tom come up with a plan to have photos of pigs and invite people to write witty captions. I can see the queues forming already.

Martyn Gibson continues to be obnoxious, telling Kathy that he suspects Steve, the bar manager, of having his fingers in the till. Kathy is scornful, as Martyn's suspicions are based on Steve's body language on the CCTV. He suggests a stock check and it turns out that he was right and Steve has trousered £150. Kathy has to sack him and she seems more annoyed that Martyn was right rather than the fact that Steve was a tea leaf. Martyn wanted to get the police involved (actually, he wanted Steve torn apart by rabid dogs) but Kathy says he's suffered enough and she deducted the £150 from his severance money. I'm surprised she didn't have a whip round for him.

Oliver managed to pin Caroline down to a three-week break at Lake Garda in September (I'll give it a week before she wants to come home) and, on Thursday we had some of the Archer clan rallying round Elizabeth, who was depressed because no-one has bought her land, and she cannot start redevelopment until she gets the money. On Thursday, Kenton, David and Rooooth are at Lower Loxley. Talk turns to the forthcoming wedding and Kenton says how hard it is to find somewhere. There is much thought and sucking of teeth before Elizabeth pipes up "why not do the whole thing here?" Well, bugger me, why didn't we think of that? Oh, I see – we did.

Kenton thanks everyone for his birthday presents but not one of the Archer children mentions Shula, which seems a tad unfair as, being Kenton's twin, it was her birthday as well. I hope they all sent her a card at least.