You Just Can't Get Decent Help These Days

Matthew Watson (Mikey)

Perhaps an alternative title could be "if you pay peanuts…" I can only assume that Matt is paying Mikey less than that, as he is more like a muppet than a mobster. Consider – all he has to do is put the frighteners on Paul, but he rings Matt and says that Paul hasn't been home and does Matt know where he is? Can you imagine Reggie or Ronnie Kray asking around for the whereabouts of their next victim?

Mikey does get his act together later in the week, after an abortive confrontation in a car park, where he has Paul pinned up against the ticket machine but he is thwarted by super hero Tom Archer. Tom wants Paul to call the police, but he says he's OK. Mikey finally does get his hands on Paul and says he has a message for him – "stay away from Lilian Bellamy – are you listening?" If not, Mikey tells him their next meeting will be "more intense" and he gets Paul to repeat the message, to ensure that he has got it. Paul does so, but he must have the memory of a goldfish, as he immediately rings Lilian and leaves a message, telling her he needs to see her and he'll be at the flat Monday morning. "Be there" he orders. Mikey isn't going to like it, Paul.

Lilian has been having a tough week – Jennifer wants her to help choose an agency worker to help Peggy out, but Lilian isn't interested. She and Paul have had words – he's upset that she isn't answering his calls and she says what do you expect when you drive off and leave me in the middle of nowhere? Lilian wonders whether it's worthwhile carrying on the carrying on, but Paul says he loves her so much. I fear for his kneecaps.

Going back to Jennifer for a moment, she has whittled down the possible agency carers to a short list and recommends one particular agency to Peggy. Sadly, after all Jenny's hard work, Peggy says she doesn't want an agency carer and she'd rather manage on her own. Well done Peggy – you stay independent! Mind you, she does spoil it somewhat by then asking Jennifer if she can give her a lift to the shop.

It was the single wicket this week and sibling solidarity was definitely missing – Pip was gloating because she beat Josh and Will was delighted when Rob Titchener beat Ed in the final. Actually it wasn't a bad week for some of the Grundy family – Joe especially, who took an old milk churn off Tony's hands ("to save you going to the tip") and gets Tony to buy him a pint. Imagine Tony's feelings when the man from Rodways tells him later in the week that these churns fetch up to £40 in their farm sales. Which is worse – losing out of £40 or being taken for a sucker by Joe Grundy?

The reason that Rodways are at Bridge Farm is to finalise details of the herd sale, a notice of which appears in The Echo. Lynda notices this and immediately gets the wrong end of the stick when she tells Jim that it's the thin end of the wedge and they've never really bounced back from the e-coli, have they? Jim tells her she's talking rubbish, but she's not convinced. Someone else who is out of the loop is Jennifer, who is dumbstruck when Jill asks her what she thinks about the forthcoming sale, as this is the first she's heard of it. Well, she has been spending a lot of time getting the caravans ready for the pickers. Adam tells her that there are more female pickers this year, so that will restrict his choice should he feel the urge to molest a worker again this year.

I feel we should have Kirsty sectioned under the Mental Health Act, as she tells Tom that she is interested in hearing about his presentation to the supermarket. Tom's ego is slowly getting back up to its former Olympian heights but he has obviously learnt his lesson, as he breaks off in mid stream, saying that "here I go again." This is when Kirsty says she is interested, the fool. Mind you, Tom did buy Kirsty drinks because of her support, but all I can say is that there isn't enough champagne in the world that would make me say that.

Divisions are widening over the fete/Highland Games. Lynda is adamant that it is not a Highland Games and she has signed up a load of dancers who will perform traditional Scottish dances. She is really unhappy and her distress intensifies when Jazzer suggests getting someone Scottish to open it and do they want him to approach a Clan Chief? Presumably the clan we are talking about here is the MacPissartists or similar. Lynda is horrified and becomes apoplectic when Jazzer accuses her of racism and anti-Scots sentiments.

Eventually Jazzer takes it back, but then he gives Lynda another attack of the vapours when he says that he intends to play his pipes at the fete and on the village green on the day. This leads to a conversation between Rooooth and Tom later on, when she asks him if he has ever heard Jazzer play the pipes? It's not often I agree with Tom, but I think he gets it spot on when Rooooth asks "Is he any good?" and he replies "With bagpipes, who can tell?"