Gets on my Pip

Helen Monks (Pip Archer)

So that's got rid of them. Who else is annoying us? Well, there is of course Will, Susan and practically all of the Snell extended family, but we'll leave them for the moment, as they have to step aside for the new Whingeing Queen – ladies and gentlemen, I give you Pip Archer!

It was bad enough when Pip was just interested in environmental matters, but now she has morphed into a moody teenager. On one hand, this is great, because she stays in her bedroom a lot and isn't heard, but the downside is that her mother is worried about her and we have maternal angst about teenage angst.

A lot of the trouble seems to be that Pip (as in "she gets on my Pip") doesn't seem to have any friends at college. That's because she is a whingeing loser with an unhealthy interest in bovine animals and is a sad person. When Ruth said she will make friends, Pip bleated "But they're so different from me." Of course they are, my little cow cuddler – it's called 'normal'. Students drink a lot; they do not walk around with a cow in a halter, wondering if said cow meets the exacting standards of some forthcoming rural event at a place with a name like Much Bonking, or similar. And, if they express an interest in sex, it rarely involves the AI man or elbow-length latex gloves.

Get a life, girl! Preferably one that excludes cloven-footed quadrapeds.

I mean, Ruth is boring enough, banging on about milk yields and grass density, so it's obviously some genetic disorder. Even when she nearly got it together with Sam, I suspect the attraction was his knowledge of cattle and the small talk was bovine-related. Just think, had Sam not gone, he'd probably be enjoying threesomes with Ruth and Pip, driving them crazy with his plans to feed the cows more clover…