It's Off – It's On Again

Sunny Ormonde (Lilian Bellamy)

The week got off to a bad start for Paul and Lilian with yet another emotion-charged phone call. Matt was really hacked off with Lilian for missing a business meeting while she was supposedly seeing James and the atmosphere between them is strained. Actually, Lilian is lucky that Matt never rang James to see what was keeping his Ma in London – that would have been an interesting conversation.

The constant lying is getting to Lilian and she's feeling guilty (better late than never) and a tearful Paul says "I will have to let you go, won't I?" to which she replies "yes". 'That's good', I thought, 'it's over, let's move on' but I should have known better, as Paul rings up later in the week and says he cannot bear to think he'll never see Lilian again and can they meet up and talk next week? Ah well, he did go five days without contacting her, I suppose.

With her Christmas extravaganza over and done with (don't you just love the sound of those words?) Lynda can return to being her everyday annoying self, as opposed to her Busby Berkeley/Steven Spielberg annoying self. And it doesn't take long – while out on a walk with Jim, they find a badly-injured badger. If I may digress, it seems that whenever Lynda and Jim go for a walk, it turns into an adventure – earlier we had the sighting of the beast of Ambridge and now the badger; it's like something out of an Enid Blyton book. What next? Coming across an international gang of smugglers, perhaps? Finding a cache of stolen jewels?

As they stand there looking at the badger, help arrives in the shape of David. Well, not help exactly, as he says "I'll go and get my gun." To be fair to David, the badger was badly injured, although if it had only had a bad hangnail, he would still have been happy to put it out of its misery. He could have done us all a favour by getting his gun and using one barrel on Brock, saving the other for Lynda. Having got Patrick out to take the badger to an animal rescue centre (wouldn't it have been great if Patrick had said that it should be out of its misery?) Lynda comes up with a half-baked plan to put up badger warning signs up around the village.

Jim is back from his Liverpool jaunt and is distraught to see that his interview with Iftikar in Borsetshire Life has been rewritten to include some 'fluffy questions'. Just think of the money Jim and sod the authorial integrity. Speaking of money and Liverpool, has Joe pulled a crafty one? When talking to Ed about scattering Bob Pullen's ashes, Ed mentions a legacy and Joe comes over all evasive, saying that Bob only had a couple of thousand "which he left to" (long pause) "er – his favourite charity." Now I don't know if there has been a sub-plot which explains this shiftiness, because I don't listen to Ambridge Extra, but I await further revelations.

Rob Titchener continues to be paraded around the village, being introduced to all and sundry. He even attends the Estate Day Shoot at Home Farm and is introduced to Will. They talk of             Will's family and we learn that Rob and Jess don't have children. We can assume that he is a good poker player, as he doesn't cry out in alarm or astonishment when he learns that Will has been allowed to breed.

Rob tells Brian how friendly everyone seems to be and Brian warns him that he might not get such a warm welcome from some residents. Despite this, Rob continues to meet and greet residents and even seeks out Tom to congratulate him on his sausages and to discuss his Ready Meals, which Rob says are "the talk of the pub". Presumably that's talk as in "we don't serve Ready Meals – all our dishes are home made, not produced in some industrial unit." Of course, all this is music to egotist Tom's ears and Rob now has a friend for life. Well done Rob – Tom's frail ego and self-belief needed a bit of a boost; it can only be a matter of time before the 'Welcome to Ambridge' sign is replaced by a giant billboard, showing Tom, arms folded, jaw jutting and gazing moodily (yet purposefully) into the distance, with the legend 'Welcome to Tom Archer land – home of Ready Meals.'

If Rob has a friend in Tom, he has blown it with Lynda – she accosts him in the street and, despite his protestations of having to be elsewhere, demands to know where he stands on the subject of culling badgers. She also tells him that she has learned so much about him from Susan – that'll teach him to speak to strange people. Rob begins well (in Lynda's book) by saying that, as all his cows will be indoors, badger-spread TB won't be a problem for him. He then gets himself off the Snell's Christmas card list by adding that, by and large, he feels a cull is a good idea.

Had Rob been properly forewarned about Lynda and her activities, he could have saved himself loads of future grief by saying "what's it got to do with you, you interfering old witch?" and adding "and don't even think of asking me to take part in one of your Christmas productions, you sad old crone." That way she would never speak to him again and, alone among all the others of Ambridge, he would be assured of a peaceful and stress-free run-up to Christmas.

Is It A Bird? Is It A Plane? No, It's A Stork

Rachel Atkins (Vicky Tucker)

Firstly an apology – last week I said that the not-so-fantastic four (Jim, Bert, Bert and Joe) were going to Blackpool, whereas their destination was in fact Liverpool. Apologies to the shopkeepers of Blackpool, who were boarding up their premises unnecessarily, and to the inhabitants of Liverpool, who must have got a nasty shock.

The biggest news in Ambridge last week was of course the arrival of Bethany Claire (6lb 5oz), which was the cue for the vast majority of people in Ambridge to lapse into soppy, baby-admiring mode. None more so than Mike, although he has got an excuse, as she is his daughter. Mike, Vicky, Lynda, Amy and Brenda all say that she's the most beautiful baby in the world and Mike tells Neil "I couldn't be happier." There are slight concerns, as young Bethany isn't suckling very well, but Amy puts Vicky's mind at rest.

Actually, Brenda's enthusiasm is worrying – the last thing we want is for her to start getting broody and encouraging Tom to think about starting a family. Having said that, I reckon Tom would be too busy to think about that, never mind having the energy. Once again there are discussions between Tom, Tony and Pat. With memories of Tony's heart attack apparently obliterated, Tom wants Tony to consider doing some morning milkings. Tony considers it and says "no", so Tom asks if he could do some afternoons? Yes Tony, and if you take this broom and insert it, you can sweep the yard while you're at it.

Tom's excuse, apart from being an arrogant, self-centred git, is that, when he took on John's business, he wanted to do John proud and, if he had more time to devote to Ready Meals (fanfare, drum rolls, wild excitement) the business could move to another level. It appears that 'doing John proud' is more important than helping your father into an early grave. Still, as long as Tom is being kept busy 24/7, he won't breed, so that's no bad thing.

Someone else who's keeping busy is Pip, whose life appears to consist of burning the candle at both ends and in the middle – when not out partying, she's devoting time to Spencer and crashing out for a couple of days when exhaustion overcomes her. Rooooth and David are worried when they learn that she is writing an essay that should have been handed in before Christmas, but the skiing holiday took precedence. Let's pray that Pip isn't reverting to the bad old days when she was going out with Jude.

Rob Titchener is still getting to know the inhabitants of Ambridge and, when he goes into the shop, he makes the mistake of talking to Susan. Rob tells her that he is going to dinner at the Aldridge's and Susan triumphantly says "the Aldridges are family". Memo to Rob – don't mention this to Jennifer, or you could end up wearing the dinner instead of eating it. During Rob and Susan's chat about family, Rob says "so you're a Horrobin then?" and wonders why Susan bursts into tears and throws herself under a train.

Brian reveals the extent of Rob's social gaffe when he describes the Horrobins as 'Ambridge's answer to the Krays' and tells Rob that two of the brothers are in prison. Surprisingly, he doesn't say that Susan has also been inside.

Later on in the week, Rob is in the pub, talking to Neil and Jazzer, with Jazzer trying to get him to buy him a pint. Rob remarks that the cows won't be arriving until August but he'll be busy till then as there are lots of people to be recruited. "What about me?" pipes up Jazzer, to which Neil says "What do you know about cows?" Then again, what did Jazzer know about pigs before he started working with them, apart from the fact that their lifestyles and hygiene levels were so similar? If Jazzer becomes a cowboy and deserts the pigs, that would be another blow for Tom, who has already tried to persuade Jazzer to do more work (for more pay, naturally).

Paul and Lilian are still at it like knives – at the start of the week he takes her breakfast in bed (at his house in Watford) and tells her that he was going to show her what Watford has to offer. This turns out to be lunch at a local restaurant. Later on in the week, they have a liaison (polite word for it) at a London hotel and he treats her to afternoon tea and a show in the evening. What with this kind of treatment from Paul and Matt falling over himself to try to make her happy, Lilian has never had it so good.

The only cloud on the horizon is that it is becoming increasingly difficult to think of excuses for Lilian to spend days away from Ambridge. However, there may be a solution handy, as Lilian remarks that James's accident and subsequent recuperation has proved the perfect excuse for her to get away. If I were you James, I'd be very, very careful when crossing the road and, when you do get the replacement car, I'd check the brake pipes before you drive off.

The Cowman Cometh

Timothy Watson (Rob Titchener)

We were introduced to a new character last week – Rob Titchener, the new herd manager for the mega-dairy. In real life, people are reserved and newcomers are left well alone for a few years out of politeness. But not Ambridge! Hardly has Rob crossed the threshold of Blossom Hill Cottage (which he's renting from Usha) and we know that he is married (to Jess), has been working on large dairy projects in the USA and Canada and only came back to the UK because Jess's Dad had a stroke.

He's very well spoken and presumably good looking, as Alice says it's a shame he's married (not for her, of course) and, when Rob went into the shop, apparently Sabrina Thwaite was impressed, so by next week we might know his inside leg measurement. He exhibited a slightly weird streak when he expressed the hope that Blossom Hill Cottage had a ghost. Brian gives him a tour of the mega-dairy facility and he's too polite to mention that there don't seem to be many cows.

Brian also introduced Rob to Adam, who crossed himself and hissed 'Satan!' And there was a hint of a possible future conflict when Rob casually mentions that it is going to be difficult for Debbie to run the farm from Hungary. I wouldn't let her hear you say that Rob, or your lifeless body might be found floating in the anaerobic digester.

Ed upholds the Grundy traditions of thoughtlessness and incredibly bad timing when he sounds Mike out about possibly increasing the price he pays Ed for his milk. Mike points out that, with the birth of the baby imminent, he has more important things on his mind and says "we're doing OK – let's not rock the boat." The trouble for Ed is that the boat is not rocking – it's sinking - and he muses about whether or not he ought to sell to one of the 'big boys' instead of to Mike. That will well and truly knacker the milk round.

Mike and Vicky are going to Neil and Susan's for a meal and Mike tells Vicky not to mention anything about Ed. As if! Skate-mouth Vicky is barely over the threshold before she blows the gaff.

Elsewhere, we have Alice moaning about her job. Poor lamb – she's been there a week or so and no-one has offered her a partnership or a seat on the board. Get real, kid – fall to your knees and thank heaven that you've got a job and money coming in.

Not everybody can be a business magnate, which leads us seamlessly round to Tom and his vision of the future. The future is – wait for it – Ready Meals! So impressed is he by the sales that he is considering buying a new unit and scaling up his operation, so that he can supply supermarkets. Brenda tries to keep his feet somewhere near the ground by suggesting that the high sales might just be because of Christmas and doesn't he remember what happened the last time he got involved with a supermarket? Tom's response is that Ready Meals could well be the core business of the farm before long.

Tom shows a touching regard for Tony when he says: "I've got to go with it or I could end up like my Dad - blinkered and in a rut." Brenda points out that, in their day, Tony and Pat were pioneers of organic farming. She also tactfully forbears to mention that it was Tom's overweening ambition and lack of working on the farm that contributed massively to Tony's heart attack. However, it seems that Tony has learned his lesson, as he and Pat discuss going away for a holiday in February. This goes down like a lead balloon with Tom when he realises it will mean more milking for him and, as Brenda neatly put it, "less time for Tom's plan for world domination."

What is it with Ambridge villagers and holidaying at odd times of the year? Admittedly Tony and Pat are planning to go where there's some winter sun, but we had Lilian and Peggy in Whitby and last week we learned that Jim, Berts Fry and Horrobin and Joe Grundy are planning a break in Blackpool. My God – imagine being trapped in a railway compartment with that lot! And with Bert Horrobin absent, who will look after Gary? Gary is like an idiot savant – only without the savant - and he shouldn't really be let out on his own.

Lilian returns home from the ordeal that was Peggy in Whitby, telling Matt that she wants a hot bath and a large G&T. This being Lilian, Matt goes out to find a clean bucket and a small iceberg.

Paul is back from Dubai and the couple share a day of passion. He invites her to stay the night ("too risky" she says) and then suggests that she spends a day at his house in Watford. First Whitby, now Watford – how much excitement is a girl expected to take? The reason for the Watford meeting is that the renovation of the church is now finished and so Paul won't have an excuse to come over to Borsetshire any more. Hussy Lilian tells Matt that she has to go and see an old friend at the weekend – why make things so complicated? All she has to do is to get Paul to tell Darrell to take the floorboards up.

Freddie Gives Lizzie A Fright

Jack Firth (Freddie Pargetter)

It's New Year's Eve and Freddie is missing – he should be getting ready to go to Ambridge to see sister Lily ring in the New Year, but he's nowhere to be found. Panic stations! What if he's continuing the male Pargetter tradition of exploring Lower Loxley's rooftops on tonight of all nights? Lizzie is in a bit of a state, but Iftikar saves the day when he tracks Freddie down, showing off his horse Caspar to his friend Conrad.

Elizabeth is sharp with Freddie and she is grateful to Ifty, saying that this is when she misses Nigel – he would have known instantly where to look for Freddie. Him and millions of listeners – I'm sure I wasn't the only person who yelled at the radio "Look in the stables – he'll be with that bloody horse!"

As well as the subsequent profound conversation between Lizzie and Ifty, Kirsty and Tom have a deep conversation, amazingly one in which the phrases "Christmas hampers, Ready Meals" and "footballing pigs" do not feature. Kirsty tells Tom that he is lucky, as he has his future all mapped out and the right partner (I wonder whether she would say the same to Brenda?). "What about you?" asks Tom, to which Kirsty replies that, while Ifty is a great laugh "he's not husband material." Talk about planning ahead for every eventuality – this is only about the fifth date they've been on. I imagine that if you asked Kirsty out for a first date, her stock reply would be "OK, but I might not marry you."

At the New Year's Ball, Tom is boring the pants off everybody as only he can, by saying what a wonderful Christmas it has been. Why so – did he get a new bike, or a train set? No – sales of hampers and sausages were up. Brenda tells him to give it a rest for one night and Ifty takes her on to the dance floor. I would have left via the fire exit, personally.

Of course, Tom is still seething because Jim Lloyd chose Chris Carter as the subject of his next feature for Borsetshire Life ahead of Ambridge's answer to Alan Sugar, Richard Branson and Donald Trump all rolled into one. How could he prefer a muscular, good-looking young man pictured in front of a glowing forge, with sparks flying, over a boring git with pig crap halfway up his wellies? Tough call.

New Year is a time for reconciliation and, sadly for Emma, auntie Tracy comes round to make up and to apologise for being such a cow. The apology should be over around the end of May, I reckon. It turned out that Clive had been getting it together with Donna, the wife of Clive's brother Keith, who is banged up in chokey – isn't it nice when families are so supportive of each other in times of trouble? Anyway, it all turned nasty and Clive was threatening Donna and the kids. Donna and Tracy fled to Ambridge, knowing that Clive would follow, thus breaching his court order. Tracy tipped off the police, who arrested Clive and now he's back inside for another four years. That's a nice present from your sister to see in 2013 and one that he will no doubt reflect on over the next four New Years.

There was one comment that made me smile – when Susan was telling Neil the story of Donna and Clive, she said "Donna's not the sharpest knife in the drawer", which is rich, coming from someone with the cutting edge of a teaspoon. Susan also told Neil "Tracy absolutely swore me to secrecy." Well, that worked well, didn't it?

Mike and Vicky's baby is due very shortly and Mike is worried in case she is badly disabled, while Vicky seems to think that her daughter (working name Bethany Claire) is going to win Olympic medals as well as getting a Phd at Cambridge before the age of 12. At Bob Pullen's funeral, Jill said it's a case of "out with the old, in with the new", referring to Bob's death and the new baby. Seems a bit hard on Bob to me, but perhaps Archers' writers now have to conform to a strict quota system when it comes to numbers? I know that they are allowed only seven speaking characters per episode, but has the quota now been expanded to the overall population of the village?

We had a trip away from Ambridge when Lilian took mum Peggy to Whitby in order to relive her wartime experiences when Lilian's father proposed to Peggy. What a brilliant idea to go to Whitby in January – the duo walk along the seafront in a howling gale and Peggy is adamant that she wants to eat fish and chips out in the open, preferably out of newspaper. Lilian, who was looking forward to a bit of a la carte and a decent bottle of wine, is appalled.

Lil's mood is not improved when Peggy tells her that she is determined to walk up the 199 steps to the Abbey and Lilian tells her that she must be back at the hotel by 5pm for an important phone call. It's from Paul, who tells her how hot it is in Dubai (bet she wishes she'd gone now) when Peggy comes in, looking for her handbag. "This is a private call" says Lilian sharply, but Peg doesn't take the hint and says "Who is it?" Lilian tells her it's none of her business and is then mortified at her rudeness and worried that Peg will rumble her secret. 

Finally, we had evidence that Nic's life has been an unending procession of bad luck, abuse, violence, ill-treatment and an unremitting struggle against overwhelming odds. How do we know this? Simple – on New Year's Day she and husband Will are dining at Grey Gables, where she tells him that the past 12 months "has been the best year of my life." Poor kid – how terrible must her childhood have been for that to be the case!

Gone – And Never Said Goodbye

Bob Pullen’s Home at Manorfield Close, Ambridge

So, poor old Bob Pullen, the oldest person in Ambridge, didn't make it to Christmas, when on Wednesday Jill came into The Bull and announced Bob's demise. Kenton quickly gave her a brandy (and didn't even charge) and he, she and Jim embarked on a voyage down memory lane, telling Bob Pullen stories and toasting his memory.

All very well, but as Bob had never said a word on air in all his 97 years, these stories could have been made up for all we know. Jill was shocked at Bob's death, but should she have been? Only a few days earlier, he had given her authority to organise his funeral, which is a pretty strong hint that he wasn't feeling too good, I reckon.

I wonder too if we are witnessing a disturbing trend at the Archers – the getting rid of non-speaking characters? Consider; Bob's gone and earlier this year we lost Ivy Horrobin. What can be the motive? It's certainly not to save money – perhaps the writers have something against mutes or mime artists? Whatever the reason, I reckon Derek Fletcher and Sabrina Thwaite are looking nervously over their shoulders.

But back to speaking members of the cast. Matt and Lilian had an action-packed time in New York, marred only by the fact that she'd rather be with Paul. Paul keeps sending her texts and Matt assumes that it is Jennifer who is doing it. He goes on at Lilian to call Jenny back, but she refuses and the conversation becomes a little tetchy. I think it's not that clever of Paul to text when he knows Matt is around – all it takes is for Lilian to leave her phone lying around and an inquisitive Matt might find out the truth. Having said that, with her making calls from New York and GB to Dubai, if Matt sees her latest bill, he might be in for a bit of a shock.

We had a teasing storyline when Paul suggests to Lilian that she fly out to Dubai to be with him. Lil is tempted, but asks how she would explain it to Matt? "You'll think of something", said Paul, helpfully. Hmm – not that easy, is it? Imagine if she told Matt she's spending a few days in Cheltenham and then comes back with a tan, a shedload of duty free and new stamps in her passport. It would have to be a stupendously good story, not least to explain why you need a passport for Cheltenham.

Matt is bored, bored, bored and keeps whining at Lilian to do something, like a walk, or shopping. She, however, is busy with the Christmas extravaganza and the atmosphere between her and Matt becomes increasingly frosty. In fact, Lil is late for the final run through and, when she does turn up, Lynda dresses her down like a naughty schoolgirl. That's too much for Lilian, who blows up at Lynda and flounces out. About time someone told Lynda what a load of pretentious twaddle she spouts.

When Lilian comes back after the rehearsal, there is another row with Matt and he storms off to bed in high dudgeon. Thursday's episode ends with Lilian on the phone, saying: "I want to make a booking please…" Oh no! What about the show? After we spent a sleepless night worrying, on Friday we learned that the booking was for Peggy to go to Whitby. Phew! Why Whitby? Apparently Peggy was there in 1943 and has been longing to return ever since.

Friday is the day of the show and the dire predictions of many that it will be awful seem doomed to come true. As these doom mongers include Fallon, Kirsty and Jim – all of who are in the show – it doesn't look good. However, Kenton to the rescue! In his role as Lord of Misrule, he hijacks the show, encouraging the audience to join in and turning it more into pantomime than an artistic experience. Lynda is mortified, saying "It's not the show I planned at all", which immediately improves it 100%. She asks husband Robert what she should do and his response is "Nothing – the audience likes it." Perhaps there's a lesson to be learned here, Lynda?

In the interval, Peggy, Elizabeth and Jim congratulate Lynda on keeping a straight face in rehearsals while knowing what was going to happen on the night. Even worse, at the end of the show Kenton asks the audience to show their appreciation to actors and people behind the scenes "but most of all we have to congratulate our producer Lynda Snell for a fantastic blend of acting and comedy." This was her opportunity to admit that she knew nothing at all about it and thank Kenton for saving the evening, but instead she gave the audience Prospero's speech from The Tempest.

After Christmas, there was apparently some unpleasantness when Clive Horrobin was threatening Brenda at Tracy's and the Police were called. Before Christmas, Susan visited Keith in prison and Emma asked how he was. Susan admitted that he seemed a bit down at the prospect of spending Christmas behind bars. Emma then revealed that she must have attended the university of the bleedin' obvious, when she observed "No, I don't suppose it's much fun."

Can Kenton Deliver?

Richard Attlee (Kenton Archer)

As we move ever closer to Ambridge's Elizabethan Christmas extravaganza, I'm a bit worried that Kenton may not be able to live up to his own high billing as the Lord of Misrule. He's certainly giving it the mother of all build-ups – on Sunday we were told of a defaced poster, on which had been written, "Anything can happen and probably will."

Later on in the week he is talking to mother Jill and hints at great things. Intrigued, Jill asks what he has in mind "If I told you, I'd have to kill you" was Kenton's response, followed by "hang on to your hat, Mum – you ain't seen nothing yet." Personally, I'm agog, although my enthusiasm was dimmed somewhat when he was looking for a substitute for a pig's bladder on a stick. Jill comes up with the idea of a balloon, only ten seconds after five million listeners. I'm a bit worried, as, following the colossal build-up, I was hoping for something more, but we'll see.

Christmas is the season of goodwill, peace on earth and love to all – unless your name is Will Grundy, that is. Last week, Will plumbed new depths with his mean-spirited moaning; something which, quite frankly, I would have thought impossible. The subject of his whinging? Brother Ed, of course. Will has given his Dad some work on the estate and Eddie makes the mistake of mentioning that he will be helping Ed, Emma and George to move into Ambridge View later in the week.

This is Will's cue to go off on one, saying that Ed has spoilt his business and it's on the road to ruin. Furthermore, if Ed had inherited the money that Will did, it would have been wasted on drugs and drink. As Eddie's own business went tits up a few years ago, he takes Will's self-righteous preaching as a personal insult and, when Will starts going on about how he's only worried about the effect on George (Susan and Neil aren't that bad, surely?), Eddie finally snaps and tells Will some long-overdue home truths, saying: "you have everything going for you – with all that, can't you spare a little compassion for your brother? If you've nothing useful to say, better say nothing." That last sentence should be cast in bronze and hung on the walls of the writers' office to ponder when writing Will's dialogue.

Mind you, Ed is in no danger of winning 'Businessman of the Year', as Neil discovers when he casts his eyes over Ed's financial records – or, to be more accurate, the gaping void where Ed's financial records should be. Neil realises that this is going to be a long, hard slog when he suggests that he looks at Ed's accounting system and is told "you've seen it." The trouble is, as Neil tells Susan later, is that, while Ed is a good stockman, he's never been trained in record keeping and things like cash flow. Why has it taken so long for someone to realise this? How come Oliver never noticed that all the paperwork from Ed was written on the back of a fag packet? Still, you can't knock Ed's determination – after a moment of self-flagellation when he asks Emma "are you thinking that your life has been a disaster since you met me?" (She says 'no', in case you were wondering) he promises her "we'll be back in our own place soon, I promise you." Emma, demonstrating once more the triumph of hope over experience, says "I know we will."

The story of the romance between Lilian and Paul continues to gather momentum – Lilian snuck off to Cheltenham to spend the day sh***ing with Paul. If you didn't think that I'm talking about 'shopping', then I'm ashamed of you. Paul buys Lilian an expensive, purple dress (I would have thought that scarlet would have been more appropriate, myself) and she buys him some cufflinks. There are signs that the situation is getting a bit complex and difficult, when Paul offers to drive Lilian to Hollerton station.

However, the best-laid plans and all that, as Matt phones Lilian and says he'll pick her up from the station. The solution? Paul will drive her to Felpersham (the stop before) and she can get on the train there. The trouble is that Vicky and Mike have also been shopping in Cheltenham and are on the train. Lilian tells them she has been to Cheltenham too, prompting Mike to wonder out loud why she got on at Felpersham. Lilian concocts some implausible story and, when they arrive at Felpersham and Matt offers Vicky and Mike a lift home, the conversation is fraught with potential pitfalls. As the poet says, Lilian, "Oh what a tangled web we weave…" Matt, who is still working on his sainthood, loves the dress and tells Lilian that he has booked a break in New York and she can wear it there.

Finally, we had a mystery solved, when Joe tells everyone in the pub who'll listen (much to Eddie's mortification) that his missing false teeth were found inside a turkey that Clarrie was plucking and drawing – I suppose it makes a change from sage and onion or sausage meat.

Taking Care Of Business

Alison Dowling (Elizabeth Pargetter)

Elizabeth is in a dilemma – should she go with a limited refurbishment and a few rooms, or should she go with the bank's more grandiose scheme, which sounds like the conference business equivalent of the mega-dairy?

Only one thing to do in such a situation – run it past an expert in this line of business. Or then again you could do what Elizabeth actually does, which is to get in touch with brother David and ask for his views. Spot on; if I were contemplating an investment in expanding a conference facility and additional guest rooms, then I'd ask a farmer for his opinion. As it turns out, David's sage advice is to conduct some market research with a company that's done a similar thing in the past. The professorship at the Harvard Business School awaits, Dave.

If Elizabeth wants advice, then why not ask Roy? After all, she poached him from Grey Gables because of his expertise in this very sector and it could be argued that he has a vested interest in making Lower Loxley as profitable as possible, being as he works there. Mind you, Elizabeth couldn't even remember to cancel Freddie's extra-curricular maths lesson with Iftikar on the day of Freddie's (and Lily's) 13th birthday, so why should we be surprised?

Iftikar takes the wasted journey very well and asks Lizzie if he can have a look round the Deck the Halls, passing up the offer of joining the twins' party. Lizzie acts as his guide and there is much talk about the difficulty of bringing up kids on your own. In passing, we learn that Iftikar's father died when Ifty was 14.

Someone else with money troubles is Ed Grundy. David tells Rooooth that he is worried about the state of Ed's finances and that "his whole business could be at risk." David thinks that Neil should have a word with his son-in-law. At first Neil demurs, but later on in the week he suggests to Ed that they look at the books together. Ed declines (presumably wondering what the word 'books' means) but later on Ed changes his mind and accepts Neil's offer, saying "it's a bit scary". Come on Ed, it's only bits of paper, although I don't envy Neil's task.

Ed's ears must have been aflame, as seemingly everyone wants to talk about him; Oliver and Caroline discuss the imminent move to the in-laws' and Caroline says that if Ed is in trouble "we ought to know – you might be able to help him." What does she mean "if he's in trouble"? Of course he's in bloody trouble, that's why he's moving out, you stupid woman.

Kenton tells Jill that Lynda's extravaganza is on course to be a disaster and what is needed is something to make it more fun. Fun? Fun! You're not there to enjoy it, Kenton. Anyway, the Lord of Misrule is up to something and I don't think the event is going to go according to Lynda's plans. And from what we've heard so far, a damn good thing too.

Emma and Ed break the news to George that they are going to live with Susan and Neil. "It will be an adventure" says Emma, though not wholly convincingly. Of course, there is the worry that, when he learns of the new arrangement, which is bound to happen now George knows, Will will moan about it. Surely not? So Emma puts Nic in the picture. Nic is sympathetic and, when Will does kick off, Nic slaps him down, saying "I know what it's like to have money worries - why are you always looking for someone to blame?" Because he's a charmless, whining, whinging, ungracious, selfish, ill-mannered, surly, little git, Nic, that's why. And that's on one of his better days, if I'm truthful.

Over at the Dower House, things are moving on apace – listeners had an early Christmas present when we learned that James is having the plaster off and going back to London on Thursday. James is not the only one having it off, as Lilian accompanies him back to London and immediately arranges with Paul to come over to her hotel for a spot of adultery. Last week I did suggest that Lilian was cooling on the whole Paul thing, but I was woefully wide of the mark, as the passion is still there, with her calling him 'darling' and he telling Lil that he loves her. Driving her back to Hollerton (where she picks up a cab for home) Paul asks Lil if she has any regrets. "No, it's been wonderful" the strumpet replies.

All this was made worse by the fact that Matt is still trying so very hard to put things right with Lilian, promising her shopping trips and, when she returns from London, even feeding her with quiche and salad. Just as we thought that Matt's conversion into a New Man was total, he revealed that they were bought, not made with his own fair hands. Matt is delighted that James has gone (when told early in the week that James was going home, Matt echoed the thoughts of millions when he said "if you want the honest truth, Thursday can't come soon enough") and he is full of plans for his and Lilian's future. "Tiger has missed his pusscat" he says, nauseatingly and adds that, now James has gone they can settle down and have a good Christmas – "just the two of us." Er, I'd make that three, Matt if I were you.