About Bloody Time!

Joanna van Kampen (Fallon Rogers)

Before beginning this week, I have a confession to make – I will miss the Friday episode and will be away next week, so fingers crossed that nothing significant happens on Friday!

The about time of the title refers of course to Fallon and Rhys finally getting their acts (and bodies) together. It's amazing the aphrodisiac effect that a lousy film can have – they were having a drink after the pictures, then Rhys drove Fallon home. There was some awkward conversation, then Rhys grabbed her in a passionate (and very sloppy, from the sound of it) kiss, asking "Do you want to come back to mine?" Fallon obviously hasn't heard about how to behave on a first date and replied "yes I do – very much." Well, that was a waste of petrol, wasn't it?

When we tune in the next morning, we learn that the couple didn't get much sleep (bloody noisy in the country) and, from the sound of it, both enjoyed the experience. Fallon asks if Rhys has a spare toothbrush and he says no, but I'll get one from the shop and you can leave it here. "Oh, we're going to make a habit of this, are we?" Fallon teases him. It would appear so, as they have an extra hour's lie-in. Good for them, I say.

If Rhys and Fallon are ecstatically happy, the same cannot be said for Lilian and Matt. Lilian finds out, almost in passing, that Arthur has died and Joyce can't bear to live in the house on her own, so she's moved out. An incandescent Lilian asks Matt what the hell he thinks he's playing at by not telling her about Arthur. Matt makes things worse when he says that he's sure he must have mentioned it to her and it must be the strain and worry about James that drove it from her mind.

Lilian points out, not unreasonably, that learning that someone has died isn't something that you tend to forget about and she calls Matt "a smug bastard", adding: "That man's death should be on your conscience!" Matt wanders off, presumably to look up the word 'conscience' in the dictionary. Before she learned of Arthur's demise, Lilian visited the church where Darrell is working and – knock me down with a feather – Paul is there and there is much 'fancy meeting you again' before they sneak off for a pub lunch. If Matt keeps killing off tenants, I fear Lilian will get a tad fed up.

And 'fed up' describes Ed to a T. Not only is he getting decent meals now that Susan and Neil are chipping in with some money and/or food parcels, but he gets fed up in the other sense when he has mega problems with the milk bail and, despite trying to fix it himself, he has to call out an engineer. The good news is that the engineer gets it working in time for afternoon milking, the bad news is that the repairs and necessary upgrade to the electricity supply are going to cost Ed £4,000. It was quite touching on Thursday when he broke down in tears, beating himself up and saying "why did I ever think I could be a farmer?" and "What type of man can't support his family?" I think the answer to that last question is "any Grundy with the initial E", as, let's face it, Eddie doesn't keep Clarrie in the lap of luxury either, does he?

Emma shows that she is a caring wife, albeit one with absolutely no knowledge of economics nor any grasp on reality, when she says "It'll be all right – we'll sort it out. Somehow." Why not sell George to his father Will, or at least rent him out by the hour? Or get his maintenance increased by telling Will that George wants gold-plated trainers? No, on second thoughts, not that, as the Muppet is quite capable of going out and buying him a pair. Oliver didn't help when he said to Ed "chin up" – the way things are going, it will be 'chin up and stick your head in this noose'. I do feel sorry for them – I hope something good happens on Friday.

Another person with worries is Hayley – the long-awaited consultant's report is in and it recommends increased adult learning activities. Hayley, who deals with kids, is afraid that she might get the chop and Roy offers to mention it subtly to Elizabeth. The trouble is that, whenever he tries, something always happens to interrupt – usually a visit from Kenton.

Celebrations at Brookfield as not only do they get the go-ahead to rebuild the barn, but the new paddock system is set to come on stream. Rooooth is really excited about this (honestly, it doesn't take much, does it?) but David says it had better work, as the whole future of the farm is at stake. No pressure then, cows.

We had a lot of talk about Tree Dressing Day, which is apparently now going to be an event that attracts sponsorship. Just as well really, as Oliver was going to put his hand in his pocket and Jim has a 648-page list of requirements. And what the hell is Tree Dressing Day? Where do they get these obscure rural customs from and how come we've never heard of them before? I'm sure they're making them up. While they're at it, they could invent some really popular old customs such as 'Flog a Cripple' day (yes James, I am thinking of you) or 'Shoot a Gamekeeper Sunday' or even, as the Christmas spectacular draws ever closer, 'Lynch a Lynda'.

Misery? I should say so

Jasmine Hyde (Leonie Snell)

It gets worse – not only is Leonie still in Ambridge, but it doesn't look like she's going back to London any time soon. Lynda asks her, rather pointedly, what about work and aren't they missing her? Leonie plunges a dagger into our hearts when she replies that she is taking unpaid leave. "Don't worry," she says, "I'll be around for a while yet." She also mentions that her company said "take as long as you want" – I bet they are secretly planning to move offices while she is away and that profits have soared.

At Peggy's 88th birthday party, Tom and Brenda take the mickey out of Leonie, comparing her to the nurse in the film 'Misery'. Sadly she hasn't seen it, but James has and he's not best pleased with Tom and Brenda's sniggering. "I don't get the joke" says a mystified Leonie. "That's because there isn't one, sweetie" replies James, tartly. Honestly – "sweetie" – I ask you!

Lynda still tries to find out how long will Leonie be in Ambridge. "How long do broken bones take to heal?" she answers. 20 minutes. Get your bag packed Leonie – get off those crutches and get on the train, James. Bye! Don't forget to write.

Ed and Emma's financial plight gets even worse when she visits the supermarket and finds out that there is no money in the bank account. She asks the food bank for a food box, but apparently it is not enough just to be destitute; you have to be poorer than that. However, they do give her a hot meal. As she is eating it, mother Susan comes in, bringing donations and the whole story comes out. Had Susan known, she could have cut out the middleman and dropped the food off at Rickyard Cottage.

Actually, I have a plan to solve Ed and Emma's problem; we know that customers have been deserting the milk round (Mike has reduced what he pays Ed, which is half the trouble) so presumably the volume of milk needed has gone down. If you don't need so much milk, it follows that you don't need so many cows, so the answer is to slaughter one of the cows, butcher it and eat it. With luck it should last for months. Not only that, but Emma can show her versatility and good husbandry by turning the hide into shoes for Keira. The horns could be turned into Christmas presents and the hooves into ashtrays – get that gun out now, lad.

The prize for the most unconvincing about-face this week goes to Freddie. He came home from school full of gloom because that night his extra-curricular maths lessons with Iftikar were due to start. "I thought you liked Iftikar?" asks Elizabeth. "But I don't like maths" came the sullen reply. Ifti turned up and correctly divined the situation, telling Freddie to get his coat on as they would be working outside. We were treated to the description of an obtuse isosceles triangle etched on a pediment, with Ifti telling Freddie that "everything comes down to maths."

I suppose it helps if you live in a stately home – it provides more opportunities for mathematical study. You could calculate the volume of water in the moat, or divide the number of rooms by the number of servants, or work out the square root of the number of acres in the deer park. You could even go up on the roof and work out the velocity of a falling object – a father, say.

But back to the unconvincing about-face. Elizabeth comes out to see how they are getting on (can't she trust anyone to do their job properly) and, when she speaks to Freddie, he is positively orgasmic over mathematics and practically booking his university course in pure and applied maths. I'm sorry, but nobody is that good a teacher.

Lilian sloped off to meet Paul in a pub on Sunday lunchtime and he proved that he cannot know her very well by asking whether it was gin and tonic that she liked? Let's face it – if he really knew her, he would have had eight or nine of them lined up – and outside in the smoking area at that. The meeting lasted just long enough for Lilian to down one G&T (about three nano-seconds) and they both say how much they enjoyed it. The only unhappy person was the barman who, having been tipped off that Lilian Bellamy was coming, had chartered a fleet of Beefeater tankers and cornered the entire Portuguese lemon crop, only to have her leave early.

Lilian returns home, where Matt orders her to get him a sandwich and tells her that, when he met Brenda outside her house, she had invited him in (he wanted to talk over some business) and he had been confronted by Tom, singing "I love you baby", with the curtains drawn and candles and Love Hearts all over the place, in order to cheer Brenda up as she has been stressed. We weren't told, thank God, but I reckon Tom might have been in his underpants, which is an image that I'm having trouble getting out of my head. Back at the Dower House, Matt moans "I can't move for couples drooling all over each other." "It's called romance, Matt" replies Lilian. Tell you what Matt, with Paul back on the scene, I'd try a little drooling if I were you.

Give Us A Ring

Michael Fenton Stevens (Paul Morgan)

Have you noticed how many Archers stories are featuring phone calls nowadays? We have had the long-running Paul and Lilian saga, which is still on-going, but perhaps it moved up a gear last week when Lilian decided to meet Paul for coffee, or whatever (talking on the phone, of course) – we await developments with interest.

We also had Nic ringing Emma and offering to help by having George for an extra day a week, Fallon ringing Rhys to offer him a job at Jaxx's and Tom proving that he doesn't understand what "I'm too busy to talk to you Tom" means, whether he's talking to Brenda on her mobile or the AmSide landline. But more of these later - whatever did the scriptwriters do before mobiles?

I am convinced that the scriptwriters have got it in for me personally, producing storylines that make me alternately weep and bang my head against a brick wall. Consider the evidence: James and Leonie split up (cue fireworks and popping of champagne corks), then the writers cruelly brought him back to Ambridge and – almost unbelievably – the story showed him in an even more irritating light than before, which is no mean feat, believe me. Could it get worse? You bet, and this week it did just that, when there was a knock on the door of the Dower House and there stood Leonie, asking after James.

The reconciliation between the pair was truly nauseating to listen to – she referred to him as "you poor lamb" and he called her "my silly sausage." Matt spoke for all of us when he told Leonie "You're welcome to take him away with you." No such luck! And even worse, Leonie announced that she would get compassionate leave from work and stay in Ambridge. Truly our cup runneth over and things took an even more sick-making turn when Lilian surprised Leonie giving James a bath. Please, please scriptwriters – return the pair to London asap. Better still, I hear that there are still attractive opportunities available in Australia. Or Neptune.

Poor Emma and Ed are getting dragged deeper into the mire, although they now have a new, old car. Ed assured Emma that it will be all right when he gets himself an additional job, thus conveniently ignoring the fact that a) in the current economic climate, there are no jobs and b) there are only 24 hours in a day. The only good point of this storyline is that Nic tears Will off a strip, pointing out reasonably enough that Ed wouldn't deliberately take George for a ride in a death trap and that Ed and Emma are struggling because they are poor. Will is all for grinding Ed's face into the dust, while he pockets the bonus from Brian for organising a good shoot, but Nic manages to smooth the situation over and even Ed comes to appreciate that letting Will have George for an extra day would help their budget.

Have you noticed that Kirsty's part seems to have expanded recently? Not only is she going out with Iftikar, but she let slip to Fallon that she (Kirsty) might have mentioned to Don and Jim, when they were choosing the replacement for Kenton, that the staff were really hacked off when Naomi was temporarily in charge and to promote her would be a mistake. Naomi's non-speaking part ends when she walks out on the job, to Fallon's and Kirsty's delight.

But this leaves them a person short. Who to approach? Millions of listeners shout "Rhys!" and Fallon rings him. At last, it seems that she and he might be getting it together, but no, as he tells her that he's happy at The Bull and doesn't want to move. Kirsty teases her, saying that she secretly wanted Rhys to come to Jaxx's for reasons other than filling a staff shortage. Fallon protests, but her denials ring hollow.

The Christmas extravaganza stumbles forward – every time Lynda is on the verge of despair, bloody Robert comes up with an idea to save the situation. The latest is to have a Lord of Misrule to compere the show and link the various strands – who else but Kenton?

A confusing storyline is that of the changing relationship between Kathy and son Jamie. Jamie went for an interview with Isaac, who offered him a job with his tree surgery operation. It's the first time Jamie has shown any enthusiasm for anything (apart from burning down bird hides) and he tells his Mum that he could even have his own business in a few years.

I mentally prepared myself for Kathy's "you mustn't throw your life away – go back to college and spend three years doing something you don't like to prepare yourself for adult life" speech and – it didn't happen! Not only did Kathy agree that he could leave college, but she said that she would give him the money he spent on the chainsaw course recently and, furthermore, she would pay for his driving lessons. There was I, expecting a marathon of whining, sighing and cajoling and they were throwing their arms round each other and saying nice things. This about turn in character portrayal is unnerving – what are we to expect next? Brian to become a monk? Tony to buy a round? I don't think I could stand it if, say, Jazzer went to university to read philosophy.

Good On Yer, Brenda!

Amy Shindler (Brenda Tucker)

I've never really had a lot of time for Brenda – I've got nothing against her as a person, but she does live with Tom after all, so something's obviously wrong with her. But no matter! After Tuesday's episode, I could have even forgiven her if she'd run off with Will.

But let's go back to Sunday – Matt couldn't stand being in James's presence and went down the pub. Paul rang Lilian to ask after James and suggests that James should have a bell so he can ring it when he wants something. Lilian thinks this is a great idea and rings The Bull to tell Matt to bring the bar bell back with him. And so on to Tuesday:

Lilian had taken Peggy out for the day, leaving Matt to look after James (as if). Matt promptly summoned Brenda to the kitchen and told her to take James's soup up to him. This show's Matt's sensitive, caring side, as James dumped Brenda some years ago and, understandably, she wasn't best pleased to be running errands for Lilian's spoilt son. As it happens, Tom was in James's room, boring the pants off him (and us) by talking about devils on horseback and sausages.

When Brenda turns up, James is his usual, arrogant self and rude as only he knows how, to the extent that Tom and Brenda walk out on him, taking the bell with them so that he can't annoy them. "I'll tell Ma!" wails James. Grow up you pussy! Well done Brenda – and the icing on the cake came later, when Brenda confessed to Tom that she had deliberately served James with lukewarm soup. As Tom said, truly revenge is best served cold. Some might say pity it wasn't strychnine, but there you go.

Things are going from bad to worse for Ed and Emma, as they try to make ends meet. Brenda is making a Halloween costume for George from an old sheet when Will brings him home and casually announces that he's bought George a lovely wizard's costume "and it was only £6.99". £6.99! That's Emma's food budget for a fortnight! In despair, Emma throws her costume away, saying: "It's rubbish – I'm rubbish".

Maybe, but not as rubbishy as the car. Emma drives George home from an afternoon scavenging in charity shops, when white smoke starts pouring from the engine and Emma has a hard time getting the car over to the hard shoulder. George is terrified as they sit on the embankment, but luckily Eddie and Fat Paul turned up and drove them home.

Back at home, Ed and Emma have a blazing row (Ed told George not to tell Will the story of the breakdown) when Ed says that they need a car. Emma is incredulous, then angry when Ed suggests a loan. Ed then comes within a heartbeat of death when he says to Emma "If you were better at managing…" Not your best-ever move, Edward.

Of course, Will finds out about the car and determines to have George over to stay with him and Nic more often. Over Ed's dead body! The atmosphere between the siblings sinks to a new depth and Ed tells Will that he hope the Shoot collapses and he loses his job. So much for brotherly love.

Emma and Ed make up and Emma says that she won't go to Josie's wedding and they can use the £150 to tax the car. They'll need a working car first. Ed promises to seriously look for a second job (Em has already talked him out of applying fro a night job at a supermarket) and he seems to forget that there's only 24 hours in a day. Ed even asks Mike if he could do Harry's milk round, but Mike says "sorry, I can't afford to replace him".

Lilian and Paul appear to be conducting an affair over the telephone – I'd hate to have their mobile bills. Lilian even asked Paul to describe his B&B room "so I can imagine you in it." I thought "If she asks him what he's wearing, I'm switching off."

It occurred to me that we haven't heard much from Helen lately – she was mentioned in one of last week's episodes, but didn't get to say anything. Wherever she's gone, it seems she's taken young Henry with her. Ian and Adam are conspicuous by their absences, too.

Jim tells Chris that Fallon's handling of Halloween night at Jaxx's was superb and that she'll be a shoo-in for manager when her trial period is up. Jazzer's influence seems to be still having an effect, as Chris points out that Jim has glitter on his forehead. "That's from my Halloween costume" says Jim. Halloween costume – what has come over the man?

Jim also stands on the threshold of a budding journalistic career – Borsetshire Life liked Jim's article on Mike and now want five more articles. That's going to be a bit of a problem, as he's got to find five further interesting people to write about. No, I can't think of five likely candidates either.

Unlucky Break

Roger May (James Bellamy)

The break I refer to is that of James Bellamy's leg – the unlucky bit is that it wasn't his neck. Honestly, I never thought that I would ever see a character replace Will Grundy as the character I'd most like to slap repeatedly, but James is right up there with the whiny gamekeeper. It's not just that James calls Lilian 'Ma', annoying as that is, but he hasn't got one redeeming feature that I can think of.

The really depressing thing is that he is now ensconced in the Dower House and looks set to stay there until he is better. How long does a broken leg take to heal? Can nothing be done to speed the process? How about if we amputated it – would that heal quicker? Brenda spoke on behalf of five million listeners when she spoke of James being in Ambridge as being "total misery".

Matt went up in my estimation when he reminded James that neither he nor Lilian are James's servant. He could have saved his breath, though, as James has Lilian running round, making coffee, charging his phone and sundry other errands. This is of course after he sent her to London to pick up some stuff from his flat. A tired Lilian is cheered when Paul rings her to enquire after James's health – expressing such concern makes me think that obviously he has never met James.

There was a tedious storyline when Tom and Brenda were trying to come up with a novelty food item for the Christmas season. As it turned out, it was Peggy who came up with the idea. And what was it? Ready Meals. Now I know you're thinking "but Tom's already producing Ready Meals" but Peggy's plan is to market them to busy housewives as a guilt-free, wholesome meal in the busy days before Christmas. From Tom's reaction, this is an intellectual achievement on a par with the Theory of Relativity.

Later on in the week, the all-conquering progress of the Ready Meals towards global domination took a bit of a knock-back when Tom and Brenda sampled the first, professionally-cooked meals. The casserole is fantastic, but the meatballs were a disaster, with way too much salt. "You can't afford to take your eye off the ball for a minute" says Tom, the philosopher. No doubt that was what he said to the footballing pigs. Does this mean that Tom will be standing over the chef when he prepares the next batch?

Ed and Emma continue to roam the streets and lanes of Ambridge, presumably clothed in rags, visibly losing weight, rummaging through waste bins and begging anyone who passes for work. I hope they make good soon, as I am starting to feel sorry for them and I never thought I'd feel that about Emma. The horror in Ed's voice was apparent when Tom told him of the Ready Meals debacle and mentioned that he had dumped the lot. You could almost hear Ed thinking "that would have fed us for weeks – I quite like salt."

What else has been happening? Elizabeth contacts Iftikar to see if he is willing to give Freddie some extra-curricular coaching in maths, which is reminiscent of the days when Nigel used to keep his children chained to desks, going through old exam papers. Ifti is willing, although one assumes that Freddie is not over the moon at the prospect. In passing, we learned that Daniel is either a crawler trying to ingratiate himself with the man who picks the cricket team, or that he doesn't have many friends, as Ifti says that he has been invited to Daniel's 18th birthday party. The birthday is 14th November, in case you want to send a card.

Fallon got the manager's job at Jaxx's, much to everybody's relief and she and Rhys are rehearsing their lines for the Shakespearian Christmas Extravaganza and Rhys muses how the play (Much Ado – you can't have forgotten, surely?) is about two people who don't realise how much they have in common. "Just get together!" we all yelled at the radio.

Sunday was Apple Day, with the likes of Eddie Grundy telling an enthralled audience "this is an apple" and introducing Joe to talk about cider making. Joe is still having troubles with his false teeth and he takes them out. Unfortunately, no-one can understand what he's saying sans teeth and Eddie tells him to put them back in. Disaster! He cannot find them and there is a suspicion that they have fallen into the apple scratter and have been pulverised. No more cider for me, please.

Whatever the fate of his dentures, Joe becomes a talking point in the village when he appears with his second-best set. Apparently these are a tad noticeable and David and Neil have a good laugh at Joe's expense in The Bull. Phrases such as "big bad wolf" and "practically fluorescent" are bandied about but David and Neil aren't laughing when Joe lets slip that they might have been pulverised in the apple scratter – let's hope that they manage to forget before the next batch of cider is ready for drinking.

Cinderemma

Emerald O'Hanrahan (Emma Grundy)

Things looked bad for poor Emma early in the week when she received an invitation to her friend Jodie's wedding. Normally a cause for rejoicing, but when Emma added up the potential costs (travel to London, present, new dress) she decided that she couldn't afford it. This in turn made Ed feel bad – he had noticed the invitation when wrestling with a mouse for the piece of cheese in the mousetrap – and he tells Dad Eddie about their plight. Eddie can't lend them the money (no surprise there) and it looks bleak for Emma.

But hey! Take heart Cinderemma – you shall go to the wedding! In steps not one, but two Fairy Godmothers, in the unlikely forms of Susan and Neil. They tell Emma that they are proud of the job she is doing in bringing up her children (although if things get much tighter, they may have to eat Keira) and she deserves a treat, so here's £150. At first Emma is reluctant to accept, but they convince her and, when Ed comes home he is genuinely pleased for her, even though he is probably working out how many pizzas you can get for £150.

Meanwhile, at the Bull, Kenton cannot understand why it is taking Fallon so long to make up her mind about taking over at Jaxx's. Perhaps it is because he hasn't been quite straight with her about the possible consequences. For example, she finds out that she will be in competition for the job with Kirsty (her best friend) and some other non-speaking female.

As it turns out, Kirsty isn't interested in the job, so that's one rival out of the way. Fallon asks if, should she not get the job at Jaxx's, would she still have a job at the Bull? Kenton tells her it's a family business (too right – and not his family either) and she'll always have a job there. And what about Rhys? Kenton becomes evasive on this point and Fallon realises she has a lot to think about.

Rhys is delighted for Fallon at the opportunity ahead of her, but not everybody is happy; Jazzer calls Jim a 'traitor' for poaching Fallon (she hasn't even got the job yet) and that he will have to spend more in taxi fares if he starts drinking at Jaxx's. This would seem to indicate that Jaxx's has no minimum entry standards or dress code. Lynda does nothing for Rhys's feelings when she says to him "The Bull won't be the same without Fallon – you'll miss her, I'm sure." Glumly, Rhys agrees. Guys, guys, Fallon will be working in Borchester – a short taxi ride away. It's not bloody Australia or Outer Mongolia for God's sake.

Jazzer continues to acquire a veneer of civilisation, laying a table place for Jim at dinner and helping Jim to resize and send photos by e-mail. Mind you, Jazzer's rehabilitation is not quite complete, as Jim has to bribe him with a flagon of cider to help, plus dinner tonight is last night's refried leftovers. I bet Jim is smacking his lips.

Thursday was a bittersweet day, as we were expecting the return of James Bellamy to Ambridge, hopefully only for a flying visit. But he never arrived – or rather he did, but only to the hospital in Felpersham, after crashing his car. The car was written off, but James only had a leg injury. There's no head injury, which begs the question how could they tell? Lilian is frantic with worry and rings Matt, whose phone goes to voicemail, then Jennifer (ditto). In desperation, she rings Paul, who immediately drops everything and goes to the hospital. Instead of doing us all a favour and putting the pillow over James's face, he comforts Lilian.

Matt eventually does ring back (he's at some do or other) and he shows the same level of caring about James as the rest of us when he says "There's nothing I can do there – I'm not a doctor." No, but you could help Paul with the pillow, Matt. Lilian is not impressed with Tiger's attitude and Paul earns more brownie points when he offers to drive Lil back to Ambridge and he'll get a taxi back. Lilian suggests that he gets out before they get home (Matt will be there) and she tells him how wonderful he's been and "I don't know what I'd have done without you." Was that a kiss I heard?

Lilian is now off my Christmas card list for telling James that he doesn't have to go back to London and can stay with her – Matt will be pleased. James meanwhile shows that he is even more annoying when ill as he bleats about being in pain and moaning because he will have to be in plaster for three months. I'd give him pain – I'd also plaster over his gob while I was at it.

Finally, the mega-dairy project is well under way, with Rooooth and David having a moan about the noise and lorries – no-one has yet invented a quiet method of digging foundations, unfortunately – and BL interviewing for the Herd Manager's job. One candidate – Rob – stands out and Brian is ecstatic when he receives a text from Rob (this is during dinner out with Jennifer, who must be well impressed that her husband can't take his eyes off his phone) accepting the job. For £60k a year, I'd accept the job – I know nothing about cows, but I could afford to slip Ed £10k to do the work; God knows he needs the money and it might prevent him from eating the guinea pig.

What The Romans Did For Us

John Rowe (Jim Lloyd)

I thought I had tuned into a Monty Python sketch this week, as seemingly every day someone was banging on about how we owed practically everything to the Romans, from cement to baths and, for all I know, nuclear power stations. And the (admittedly extremely unlikely) source of all this knowledge? None other than Jazzer, who had been reading up on the subject in Jim's books and giving anyone who'd listen – and quite a few who wouldn't – the benefit of his knowledge. The thing that staggered me was that hardly anyone seemed to know any of the facts that spilled endlessly from his lips – has no-one in Ambridge ever seen Life of Brian?

Jim seems to have high hopes of turning Jazzer into something approaching a human being and he may be succeeding, as one night Jazzer announced that he was going to bed – and this around the time when he was usually getting ready to go out. Mind you, the conversion process looks like it might take some time, as he was watching a "toga and sandals" DVD, which Jim spoiled by pointing out that the soldier's sword was the wrong shape. Jazzer's reply was "I've had a hard day, so no more history lessons." Careful Jazzer – don't forget whose house it is. It seems that the conversion process is not all one way, as David remarks that he saw Jim and he looked a wreck ("too many lagers and a late night"). Which will give in first – Jazzer's willpower or Jim's liver?

There was a brief moment of elation when Lynda admitted to Robert that she was finding it hard to cast Much Ado and "my regulars are deserting me." Alternatively, perhaps they are coming to their senses after years of being cajoled and bullied. She's on the verge of giving it all up when her prat of a husband comes up with a spiffing wheeze – don't do Much Ado, but take bits from different plays – a sort of Shakespearian Pick 'n' Mix. "I'll even build you a Globe Theatre in the Village Hall" gushes rent-a-gob Bob. Lynda's enthusiastic response was drowned by the sound of my sobbing, I'm afraid. And we were so close to an event-free Christmas!

On the feline front, all is not well between Pusscat and Tiger – Lilian is still annoyed about the way Matt treated Joyce and Arthur, while Matt – devious as only he can be – is fixing the blame firmly on the hapless Darrell. Lilian Confronts Darrell in the pub and, after giving him some uncomfortable moments, tells him that she knows it wasn't him. Darrell mentions in passing that the man in charge of the church restoration project (Paul) asked after Lilian the other day. With (presumably) fluttering heart, Lilian says that, should Darrell be speaking to Paul, be sure to pass on her best wishes. Be careful Pusscat – Tiger won't like it and it might all end in tears.

Ed and Emma are still slowly starving and Ed confides in Fallon, who finds him eating a chocolate bar that he bought in the shop, that he is really annoyed because Will is flashing his money around while he (Ed) has cut every expense he can, including the money he pays himself. "I can't see a way out" Ed tells Fallon – well, stop wasting money on chocolate for a start.

Things get worse for Ed and Emma when George comes home one day, yelling excitedly "Look what Dad bought me" and showing them a karate outfit. Emma is incensed and Ed's not best pleased either when Emma points out that Will obviously knows about their financial problems. Will really is a thoroughly nasty piece of work – first he bought the guinea pig and now he rubs their noses in it with the karate outfit. I've said it before – Nic is way too good for him.

Fallon is also feeling down, but her mood improves when Rhys returns early from holiday – will they get together? It doesn't help that Kenton and Jolene have decided that they want to spend more time together and Kenton has the wonderful idea of having Fallon take over his role at Jaxx's while he works full time at The Bull. "So I'd be working in Borchester" said Fallon, in the same tone that one might use when asking "So I've got three weeks to live, have I doctor?" Well done Jolene and Kenton – they noticed that Fallon had lost her spark, but somehow I don't think this is the answer - unless Rhys goes with her.

And now the good news – like me, no doubt you have been tossing and turning, wondering whether or not Tom will find anyone to cook the Ready Meals. Fret no longer – not only has he found someone, but they can do it on their organic day, thus preserving the Tom Archer brand's – that's the Tom Archer brand – organic reputation. Earlier on in the week, Tom was considering giving up the organic nature of his products until Brenda told him that would be a really stupid thing to do and what would Pat and Tony think? Like Tom would even think about that – if he has a middle name, it certainly isn't 'considerate'.

Tom takes Brenda to check on the pigs (this boy knows how to treat a lady) and, while reminiscing about the past and admiring the view, he says that "this would be an ideal place to build a house if we could get planning permission." Cue sounds of Brenda retching and rushing to the Council offices to file her planning objection…