Have You Thought This Through, Joe?

Edward Kelsey (Joe Grundy)

Let’s begin at the end of the week - Ed is giving Joe a ride to Grange Farm in his new, shiny tractor and Joe confides that he has something on his mind. While Joe is delighted that Ed is (belatedly) making an honest woman of Emma, he says that Clarrie is still upset because of the rift between Ed and brother Will and could Ed not find it in his heart to ask Will to be his Best Man?

Ed’s response is that there was a lot of trouble after he was Will’s Best Man and Joe says “That was 10 years ago - it’s water under the bridge and you’re both grown men now”, to which Ed says “Yeah, but Will doesn’t act like he is sometimes”. However, to please his Granddad and his Mum, Ed tells Joe that he’ll think about it “But I’m not making any promises”.

Let’s pause here and reflect on Joe’s request. Ed will be marrying Will’s ex-wife, with whom Ed had a torrid sex-fest a night (or maybe two) before their wedding. This resulted in Will having a paternity test to prove that the baby (allegedly conceived on honeymoon) was, in fact, his. George was indeed Will’s baby, but that didn’t stop Emma leaving him and setting up home with Ed. Since that time, relations between the brothers have hardly been cordial - in fact, the episode when George ran away from home saw them both coming to blows when they met as they were both out looking for him and they only stopped when Eddie caught them and threatened to bang their heads together.

As far as Best Man material goes, I humbly submit that Will isn’t going to make a great one, although we could have an interesting Best Man’s speech as Will recounts how his brother shafted him (and his wife-to-be, come to that). I can envisage food being thrown around at the Reception, while Clarrie thinks how nice it is that the family is all together. Mind you, this is assuming that a) Ed asks Will and b) Will accepts, and this latter eventuality is far from a foregone conclusion. Will is - and I’m being kind here - a nasty, vindictive, whining (100 pejorative adjectives deleted to save space) piece of work, who would probably rather remove his own spleen with a pair of rusty pliers than do his brother a favour. Even if he was coerced into it by his conscience (not that I believe he has such a thing) or respect for his mother, I’m not convinced that it would be a wise decision. Imagine if Will organised the Stag Night - it might be a cocktail evening, with Ed drinking ‘A long, slow strychnine on the beach’ or a ‘Gin and hemlock’. Take George along as a drinks taster, Ed.

It was a busy week for Ed, as he had a meeting with Charlie Thomas about the possibility of transferring his tenancy of the 50 acres of Estate land to the Fairbrother brothers - Rex and Toby - and perhaps be paid for his hedge cutting, which he is currently doing to work off the tenancy payment backlog. Charlie (who has had the plaster removed from his leg) says he has no problem, but he’ll have to run it past the Board. Charlie also asks casually whether Ed is doing any work for Home Farm and, if so, pass on his regards to Adam. Fortunately, Charlie stops short of asking Ed to give Adam a big, sloppy kiss from him and Ed leaves the meeting in buoyant mood. Later on, he says that “Things are finally looking up”, which is a sure indication that something is going to go very pear-shaped, very soon.

In case you hadn’t noticed, there was a General Election last week and we had more ‘people died so that you had the vote’ moralising. Pip was determined to vote (this would be her first time) and she managed to drag Jazzer into the Polling Station en route to the pub - I ask you, how likely is that? It turned out that Jazzer had never voted before; I suspect not because he has no political convictions, but because he cannot make a cross on the ballot paper. As it is, we had a riveting piece of radio with the person manning the Polling Station explaining how you cast your vote. Let’s be honest, it isn’t rocket science, is it? If they want to attract the Jazzers of this world to vote, perhaps they should do what they do in my village and have the Polling Station in the function room of the local pub.

There was more riveting radio when Ed and Jazzer turned up at Brookfield to shear the sheep. Pip had nominated her fellow student Barney as the catcher, but when she learned that Toby Fairbrother was going to be the fleece roller, she told Barney to forget it and she’d do it herself. The day before, she had met Toby and Rex when they came to talk to David about farming and there was an immediate spark between her and Toby. On the day of the shearing, we had more exciting radio as Jazzer explained how you roll up a fleece. Toby wondered if Pip was up to the physical requirements of the job. Pip relied: “I can take any physical challenge that you throw at me”. Be careful, Pip - he might take you up on that.

Last week also saw the Mayday event in Ambridge and it wasn’t going well - the May Queen’s crown had mysteriously disappeared and the Morris Men’s minibus had broken down en route (cue cheering from the assembled multitude). The Button sisters were in the frame for nicking the crown, as Mia Grundy had been chosen as May Queen over them, but fortunately Shula found it thrust into a hedge and Mia was crowned after all. To make everybody’s day, the Morris Men made it after all. Lynda declared the day “A triumph” and said how important it was to “hold on to these precious traditions”. Let’s all go back to drawing water from a well and ban all forms of motorised farm machinery while we’re at it, shall we?

The missing crown wasn’t the only mystery, as Fallon returned to the Green the day after, only to find that her bunting had gone missing. PC Burns started taking the Mick, saying that he’d lock down the area and organise a press conference. Fallon, however, was not amused, as she and Emma had made it by hand and it was a trademark feature of her business. Fortunately PCB caught her mood and started treating it more seriously, including questioning anyone who came into the pub. Honestly, hasn’t he got anything more important to do? Finding out why Darrell hasn’t appeared for months would be a start.

Over at Grey Gables, Ed goes to visit Joe (“Just look for the very bright yellow jacket” Oliver tells him - not with the pink cord trousers, I hope) and Caroline asks what he’d like for a wedding gift. Ed says that they have done so much already and he doesn’t want anything. When Ed goes off, Caroline says how nice it is to see a young person not grasping or greedy, which makes me suspect that Ed isn’t a real Grundy, and why don’t they buy Clarrie a nice frock as their present?

There was another mystery - David had Rachel from the Environment Agency round to talk about reactions to the flood. David asks about the blocked culvert near Berrow Farm - lucky it was blocked, or else Berrow Farm might have been inundated - and Rachel says that it is strange, as that waterway is under control of the EA and should be checked regularly. At David’s prompting, she agrees to check their records on when it was last inspected and she rings up, saying that both culverts were checked in November and were fine. David runs into Rob and, when talk turns to any special measures that Berrow Farm took to avoid flooding, Rob becomes evasive. Has there been foul play at the mega-dairy, we ask?

Finally, we return to the Fairbrother brothers - Jill and Shula find out that their father is Robin Fairbrother, who, as a married man, had an affair with Elizabeth back in the mists of time. Honestly, what with that, her abortion following an ill-starred relationship with low-life Cameron Fraser and then practically raping Roy in his tent at the music festival, you’ve got to admit that the girl is a bit of a goer, to say the least. Who will be next?

“…In Victory, Unbearable”

So ends the quote from Winston Churchill about Viscount Montgomery, but he could have been talking about Rob Titchener - or rather, he could have if he hadn't died in 1965. I had a comment from a reader called Colin about Rob trying to put Helen off working, along the lines of 'radical thought, but what if Rob is innocent and just wants what's best for his partner?' and, when Rob was proved not to be the father of Jess's child, I had pangs of doubt - had I been too hard on Rob? Was he really quite a nice guy? 

 

On Wednesday, I breathed a sigh of relief, as the answers to these two questions proved to be 'no and 'no'. Rob rings Jess and taunts her with the news about the baby, saying that she sounds like she's falling apart and accusing her of sleeping around. Jess retaliates by saying that Rob is doing the same with Helen, but Rob says that she cannot compare the loving relationship he has with Helen with Jess's one night stands. Jess protests that they did sleep together one night and she honestly thought he was the father and that he loved her once, to which he responds "To be frank Jess, I really can't remember."

 

Rob continues to turn the screw, saying that his mother, who has become the doting grandmother, is bound to blame Jess when she finds out and that she won't appreciate being lied to. Knowing her as he does, Rob suggests that his mother will want all the presents back that she's bought for the child. Jess threatens to tell Helen about the night they spent together, but Rob just laughs, saying "She didn't believe you last time and she certainly won't now - nobody will believe the rantings of a mad woman." Rather unkindly, he adds: "Poor Jess; you sound so desperate" and hangs up.

 

Later the same day, Jess rings him (he is out buying Helen some flowers - a fact which he soon tells Jess) and she tells him that she's not feeling well, and why did he have to be so hurtful? Rob tells her that Ambridge has now become his home and please don't ring any more, his solicitor will be in touch about the divorce and he hangs up again. Later, Rob tells Helen that he has spoken to Jess and she was "Showing remorse" and "We had a reasonably amicable conversation", which is stretching the truth somewhat. A triumphant Rob tells Helen to put on her glad rags (with no restrictions about hemline length or bosom visibility, although he's probably thrown out all unsuitable frocks) as they are going out to celebrate.

 

On Sunday, Joe and Eddie are in The Bull when a stranger comes over and asks them if they are farmers (I assume Joe wasn't wearing his pink cords) as he - Rex Fairbrother - is thinking of moving into the area with his brother Toby. Rex offers to buy them a drink, thus upgrading swiftly from 'stranger' to 'new best friend'. He buys them another drink and Eddie is ready to adopt him, while warning him that farming isn't an easy game. Rex says that he's looking for 30 - 40 acres of reasonably flat land and Eddie says they will keep a look out for him. Rex then mentions that he and Toby will be farming geese and ducks for the Christmas trade and, while he is at the bar, a dismayed Eddie tells Joe that that will take business away from the Grundy's turkeys. Joe says that depends on whether or not the turkeys can put up with a bit of competition. Expect even more bizarre Christmas marketing plans.

 

Good news - Kate is moving out! Bad news - it's only to her cottage on Home Farm. She has managed to talk Fallon into letting her help with Fallon's business on an ad hoc arrangement and, to celebrate, Kate has bought an expensive table lamp. Brian thinks it is horrible, but Kate says "Phoebe likes it, don't you darling?" "Not really" is her daughter's laconic reply. Jennifer comes in and asks what is that monstrosity? Kate replies that it is "so on trend". In reply to Jen's questioning, Kate says that she is definitely moving out because she needs her own space and "Phoebe agrees, don't you darling?" Quick as lightning, Phoebe answers "definitely", Kate then says that Phoebe will stay over at the cottage as much as possible and, equally quickly, Phoebe says "I never said that." I love that girl!

 

Kate has a job with Fallon to go and see Susan that night to discuss the catering for Emma and Ed's wedding. Kate wants Phoebe to come along and, even though Pheebs protests that she has homework to do, she is railroaded into attending. At the meeting, Kate keeps interrupting, saying that they must have gluten-free and Vegan options, while Susan tells her that half the guests would willingly eat raw meat and none of them are Vegans. Kate then talks about how difficult it is to predict the future and how it usually ends in tears - look at her and Lucas; they "went through all this fuss and now our lives are in ruins." She then adds "But Emma's an old hand - she's been round the block, so she totally gets it." A word of advice, Kate - the phrase is 'The customer is king', not 'The customer is a bit of a slapper.'This could be the shortest employment on record.

 

Shock horror! Lynda texts that the Maypole has gone missing! Don't panic; it is found again and Lynda ropes Fallon in to help paint it. The Button girls give it a final coat, so it will probably be pink when they've finished. Lynda's nose is put out of joint when she learns that Jennifer, who Fallon refers to by her nickname of 'The Boudicca of Borsetshire', will be attending the May Day event and that should ensure that The Echo and Radio Borsetshire turn up on the day. Sniffily, Lynda says that SAVE is a community campaign and there's no place for 'a cult of personality.' When she speaks to an enthusiastic Jennifer later, Lynda says that "Battles are led by generals, but won by the foot soldiers." Quite right Lynda, now smarten up, get those buttons polished and get out there and shake that tin.

 

Adam has a plan for the 15 hectares that were flooded; a 'herbal ley'. What do you mean you don't know what a herbal ley is? It's sowing grass, with deep-rooted herbs to get the soil back in shape. Kate thinks it's a good idea (which should start alarm bells ringing) and says that she will invite her uni friends there for a picnic. Brian, meanwhile, is troubled - while he can see the sense in the idea, where's the profit and will the land be ready to go back to wheat production next autumn? Adam says again that it's about improving the soil structure and it's not about making money. A mystified Brian goes off to look up the meaning of 'not making money'.

 

Back to the Grundys. Susan and Fallon worry about Clarrie - apparently Clarrie 'left all her posh frocks in the wardrobe'  and they were ruined in the flood. Sorry? 'All her posh frocks'? Clarrie? That's the first time I've heard 'one' or possibly 'two' referred to as 'all'. Fallon says they will come up with something and Clarrie will look lovely at Emma's wedding.

 

There were a number of references to the ditches that Ed is clearing; including one where the debris removed was quickly taken away by unknown forces. Apparently, a woman form the Environment Agency is getting involved and David says "Perhaps she can shed some light on it all." Things could get difficult, Ed.

 

Eddie and Ed talk and Eddie suggests that his son offers Rex Fairbrother the 50 acres that he used to rent off the Estate, assuming the Estate doesn't mind. They show the Fairbrother brothers the land and Eddie tries to put them off the idea of Christmas poultry, talking about "David being crushed by Goliath", which is not only strange, but totally wrong. Never mind, when Eddie and Ed are alone later, Ed says that all he wants is for Emma to have the best day ever. He also confesses that he knows there were times when he could have been a better son (thank God he didn't list them - that would have taken a week) and he would love Eddie to be his Best Man. Eddie accepts, saying: "You've just about made my day." Come on Ed; I'm sure you can do better than that - bloody hell, even Will managed to find one friend to do the honours!

Pre-Wedding Nerves Or Paranoia?

Stephen Kennedy (Ian Craig)

Ian had a heart to heart with Helen and he confides that he thinks there might be something going on between Adam and Charlie. Helen asks what makes him think that? Ian says he’s never been able to work out what Adam really thinks about Charlie, plus they had lunch together at Grey Gables last week. Helen, who saw Adam and Charlie kissing on New Year’s Eve, says that that doesn’t mean anything, but Ian says that they sometimes look at each other as if they’re more than friends. “Tell me I’m wrong Helen; tell me I’m being paranoid” he pleads.

Helen tries to reassure him (presumably with crossed fingers), saying that all couples - with the exception of her and Rob, of course - have their periods of doubt and Adam has asked Ian to marry him. “Of course he loves you” she says stoutly. Ian agrees, saying: “Of course he does - he’s even coming to watch the football with me and he’s not a fan”. The football in question is on TV at The Bull, so it’s not really that much of a sacrifice, is it?

Adam certainly seems to be spending lots of time with Charlie lately - on Tuesday, Adam, Charlie and Pip visit an exhibition devoted to the use of technology in farming. Adam remains unconvinced and, when he goes to get them some food, Charlie tells Pip “If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll convince Adam that technology is the future of farming”. He also shows Pip a magazine with job adverts (some of which are overseas) and he suggests that the experience would be good for her and why not at least look at the company’s website? “What have you got to lose?” he asks. Good at planting seeds, these farmers.

On Thursday, Charlie phones Adam and invites him over to see a video of a farmer from Ohio who has developed his own grazing system. “You’ll be very impressed” Charlie promises him. In fact, Adam professes himself ‘amazed’ - “sustainable and profitable” he gasps. Over a beer, the two discuss cricket and Charlie reveals that he used to be a bit of an all-rounder, plus he was a stand-in wicket keeper too. No doubt he did a bit of umpiring and was head grounds man and sandwich maker in his spare time as well.

Charlie says that, when his ankle is better, he intends to try out for the Ambridge cricket team, which will make Ian even more unhappy as Adam and Charlie spend even more time together.

Talking about the cricket team, after last season’s unimpressive showing, this year there appears to be an embarrassment of riches. At nets, Johnny shows that he is a more than useful swing bowler and Alistair and Tony talk about Harrison Burns, who apparently used to play some club cricket and is keen to try out for the team. I fully expect Kevin Pietersen to come and live in the village at this rate. And while we’re on the subject of cricket, what has happened to Iftikar?

One person who might not be playing so much in the future is Alistair; he tells Rooooth that he is struggling just to keep his head above water, having lost all his equipment and his premises in the flood. He’s had to start all over again and it is taking it out of him, plus he has no time or energy for a social life.

On Wednesday, he is off early for a meeting in Darrington, snatching a sandwich to eat on the way. Shula has a meeting too - in Felpersham with Richard Locke. The two reminisce - Richard said he was sorry when he learned of Nigel’s death and remembers Nigel’s stag night, where Nigel wore a gorilla suit. When Daniel was a child, he wasn’t well (juvenile arthritis) and Dr. Locke treated him. He’d like to see Dan again, so Shula invites him to lunch - she’ll check when Alistair and Dan are free and give Richard a call. Back at The Stables later, Shula tells Alistair about the invite, but he is exhausted and just says “OK” as he drags his weary body off for a shower.

Rob was back to his manipulative best last week - Helen is quite pleased at the prospect of opening up a farm shop at Bridge Farm, but Rob doesn’t want her working, so he has a quiet word with Tom. Rob asks whether Tom has noticed how tired Helen has been since working at Ambridge Organics? He says “no” and adds that he feels that working seems to be good for her. Rob says that she is stressed inside and anyway, they are trying for a baby. In that case, says Tom, perhaps they can manage with her doing less. “Or maybe without her altogether?” Rob suggests, adding “All I’m asking you is to let her put herself and her family first”. Tom might have pointed out that he, Pat and Tony are Helen’s family too, but he doesn’t.

The following day, Tom and Helen are talking and he lets slip that Rob said they are trying for a baby. She is somewhat annoyed and tells Tom that, for the record, they aren’t trying yet. When Rob comes home, Helen has a go at him, telling him that some things should be kept private. He apologises, saying that running the shop was stressing her and he wants her to have “a secure and safe home life”, so just slip these handcuffs on Helen and hand back your door key. Rob’s tactics appear to be working, as, at the family meeting to discuss the future of the shop, Helen is now lukewarm about the project.

Drama towards the end of the week - Rob arrives home and Helen points out a letter that has arrived. “It looks official” she says. “It’s the test results” Rob says and opens it. “Take a look for yourself - it was a complete waste of everyone’s time. Jess was calling my bluff and she lost. God knows what she was playing at”. Call me suspicious, but I don’t believe it - a reader sent in a comment (obviously he or she couldn’t wait for this week’s posting!) along the lines that Rob had the results letter sent to his place of work and he has produced a doctored replacement. We’ll have to wait and see; going on past experience, if there has been foul play, it’s bound to come out before long.

It was a bad week for Lilian - on Wednesday she took her newly-botoxed self to a wine bar and tried, unsuccessfully, to engage various people in conversation. The only one who spoke to her was the barman and he had no choice, poor sod. Relating the story to Jennifer, Lilian says that she went to the rest room and looked in the mirror, “Where I saw a sad, lonely, desperate old woman”. “Nonsense” says a supportive Jennifer, which is a bit more supportive than “You missed out ‘haggard’ and ‘with a look like a permanently startled faun’ ”.

Just to cheer Lilian up, she gets a visit from Lynda, who is staying at the Dower House and who wants to re-arrange all the furniture in accordance with her feng shui principles. Lilian feels insulted, but tells Jennifer that she is slightly envious of Lynda, who has “always got a project on the go”. True - and don’t we bloody know it!

This week’s ‘I’m glad it’s not TV’ moment was the description of Joe Grundy wearing pink corduroy trousers, courtesy of the charity donations. Not a pretty sight, according to Eddie.

Finally, on Friday, Pip and Daniel are off to some concert, having just had an earnest conversation about how important it is to vote and how people died for the right to…but no doubt you catch my drift. Anyone would think there’s an election in the offing. As she is on the point of leaving, Pip says that, due to the uncertainty about the road etc, they cannot really plan anything for the future and it will be a long time before they need her, so she’s off to see the world and she’s seen this job, where she can come back, armed with knowledge and experience and don’t wait up. Bye. David and Rooooth are stunned as she and Daniel leave. That Charlie Thomas has got a lot to answer for.

Fanning The (Old) Flame

Judy Bennett (Shula Hebden Lloyd)

Last week, we speculated whether Alistair might be having an affair (Instability At The Stables) as he’s acting peculiarly, to say the least. This week, it’s Shula’s behaviour that’s under scrutiny, but more of this later.

Last week we also commented on the fact that Ed had spent a lot of money on his new tractor without consulting Emma and she might not be best pleased. Well, she wasn’t, and bends Ed’s ear about how they are supposed to be partners and he could have given her a quick call. A chastened Ed says that, if she isn’t happy, he’ll take the tractor back, but she relents and says “If you’ve done the sums, I’m happy”. What? This is the man who had to sell some of his cows in order to pay his rent arrears - he probably can’t even spell ‘sums’, let alone do them.

Elsewhere, there are signs that Helen is gradually developing a mind of her own, which won’t please Rob. Not only did she work late the other night, but on Monday she tells Rob that she will come with him when he goes to the doctor’s to take the paternity test. He tells her that he doesn’t want her there and he’s very busy and is thinking of postponing the test. Helen counsels against it, saying that there will never be a good time to take the test and she’s coming with him and “no arguments”. Steady on there Helen - you’ll be taking charge of the remote control at this rate.

On the journey to the surgery, Rob is tetchy and morose and, when he talks to the doctor, he makes it clear that he’s only there under protest. The doctor explains that the DNA swab will be sent away and Rob will get a letter within 7-10 days. Who else will get the results? The mother and the Child Maintenance Service, which I reckon will give Rob lots of chances to pull the wool over Helen’s eyes (assuming he is the father, of course). I’d use your embryonic independence to demand that you see the actual letter, Helen - either that or examine his wage slips to see if the CMS are deducting money.

Now let’s discuss a moment of revelatory self-awareness. Susan is working in the temporary shop when Shula and Usha turn up. Rent-a-gob Susan bangs on about how nice it was to see Richard Locke earlier in the week and she suddenly realises that Shula was having an affair with him, while he was supposed to be Usha’s partner. “I should learn to keep my mouth shut” says an embarrassed Susan, but Usha tells her that she spoke to Richard at The Messiah and whatever happened in the past is ancient history.

Apart from the fact that Usha missed out on the chance to really make Susan squirm, let’s talk about Susan’s statement. First of all, she obviously missed out the word ‘big’ and secondly, in the years this blog has been running, I have on more than one occasion suggested that she has the words she uttered tattooed back to front on her forehead and that she walks around carrying a hand mirror. Sometimes it seems that she only opens her mouth to change feet.

Over at Home Farm, Lilian has been absent, having gone down to London to spend time with Leone, James and little Muppet. Lilian was a tad depressed before she made the visit - God alone knows what she must be feeling like after a few days with that trio.

Never mind what she’s feeling like - she certainly looks different when she returns and she tells Jennifer that she has had Botox; James took her to a little place he knows. Be honest, would you trust James’s recommendation on anything at all? He tells his mum that it has taken 20 years off her, but Brian reckons (when Lilian is out of earshot) that it makes her look permanently surprised.

Jennifer begs Brian not to say anything, then Lilian returns, saying that she has been looking in the mirror and she is wondering if she has made a terrible mistake. She wants a man’s opinion - what does Brian think? Jennifer holds her breath, but Brian steps up to the plate and tells Lilian that she looks absolutely stunning, adding “If I wasn’t married to your sister, I’d be right after you”. Lilian is pleased but, when she thinks about it, being pursued by Brian isn’t that much of a compliment, as all you have to be is more or less female and not actually dead.

Clarrie and Eddie are watching Keeper’s Cottage being ripped apart and Eddie is upbeat because the foreman told him that Hazel (who is the owner) told him only to use the highest spec materials in the refurbishment. If Witch Hazel said that, I reckon the Grundys won’t be the tenants for much longer.

As it is, Clarrie is morose, reminding Eddie that they still won’t have any furniture to put in the house. Eddie shows her her sideboard, which has been salvaged and is awaiting restoration. Her mood is not lightened when she sees it, as it is chipped, stained and going rotten. If it were a dog, it would have been put down, but Eddie shows his boundless reserves of optimism, by saying he can fix it. While Eddie is doing his Bob the Builder impression, Clarrie remains far from convinced and I can’t say I blame her.

At the barn dance, everyone seems to be there, including Charlie, Adam and Ian, with the latter unkindly remarking that Charlie won’t be dancing, as he’s on crutches. Almost in passing, we are told that an elegant woman has turned up with her partner and neither Adam nor Ian know who she is and we aren’t told - a story for the future, perhaps? Pip is suffering from dissertation fatigue and gets stuck into the booze at the bar. Things aren’t helped when her ex, Spencer, turns up with a new girlfriend. This seems a mite hard on him as it was Pip who dumped Spencer - what is he supposed to do? Top himself? Emigrate? Become a monk, perhaps?

Let’s talk now about Shula and Alistair. On Monday, Shula visits the temporary village shop at Bridge Farm for some fresh Dill. She’s cooking a special meal for her and Alistair and needs it for her smoked salmon soufflé. The day before, Shula had practically bullied Alistair into having this meal, calling it a new beginning for them, now that Daniel has received his Commission. A clearly-underwhelmed Alistair says that he’ll do his best to be there.

Shula is cooking her soufflé when she hears the front door and calls out, thinking it’s her husband. But no, it’s Jim, looking for his wallet and, in passing, he mentions that he saw Alistair’s car, heading towards Penny Hassett. Shula isn’t very happy and her phone rings. Again, it isn’t Alistair, but ex-lover Richard Locke, who has reappeared on the scene. He says how nice it was to talk to her at the performance of The Messiah the other evening and how about meeting up for a coffee? Shula says she’s cooking and why doesn’t she take his number and ring him back later? She then gets a text and this time it is from Alistair - he’s had an emergency call-out. The soufflé is forgotten, until Jim says “Is that something burning?” Another black mark, Alistair.

Never mind, Alistair has the chance to atone at Friday evening’s Village Meal and barn dance. Shula asks him to dance, but he says he’s absolutely famished and maybe he’ll dance later. Later duly arrives and Shula hunts out Alistair. He tells her that Christine is very tired, so he’s going to drive her home and he is tired as well, so he’ll go home too. An angry Shula says that she’ll find someone else to dance with. And possibly more than dance, as she then rings Richard, apologising for the lateness of the hour and arranging to meet him for coffee on Wednesday afternoon. Meeting up with an old flame could be dangerous - the soufflé might not be the only thing to get burnt.

Instability At The Stables?

Michael Lumsden (Alistair Lloyd)

I wonder if we are being prepared for some significant friction at The Stables between Alistair and Shula? Over recent months, Alistair seems to have been away a lot, at conferences and suchlike. Could he be back on the gambling (we haven’t heard much about his weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings) or might he be having an affair? A case of ‘poker or poke her’ perhaps? We’ll wait and see what (if anything) happens.

It’s been a turbulent week for Shula, as we had the performance of The Messiah at St. Stephen’s. Afterwards, Shula is congratulated by a member of the audience and it turns out to be Richard Locke, sometime doctor in Ambridge and with whom Shula had a torrid affair back in 1998. Even worse; at the time Shula was being pursued by Alistair and Richard was the partner of Usha. How un-Shula-like is that?

Following the performance, Shula tries to tell her husband that she met Richard, but he is always on the way to somewhere, or prattling on about his new surgery, or musing about the bird-watching competition between his father Jim and Robert Snell. Strangely, when he does actually settle down and asks Shula what was it she wanted to talk to him about, she tells him it doesn’t matter.

Alistair is riddled with self-doubt - should he continue to go it alone and carry on with his search for premises for a new vets surgery, or should he give it up and join a larger practice and take on more locum work?

Both Alistair and Shula stay overnight near Sandhurst in order to attend Daniel’s passing-out ceremony and it affects her deeply. “What’s happened to my little boy?” she asks, wistfully. “He’s a man now” Alistair replies helpfully. He certainly is: 2^nd Lieutenant Daniel Hebden-Lloyd of the Tank Regiment, to be precise. Dan introduces Shula and Alistair to his Platoon Commander (touchingly calling Alistair ’my father’) and the Commander says they should be very proud of him.

Alistair excuses himself and leaves - we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he’s off to the loo, rather than a card game in the Officers’ Mess - and Dan notices that his mother seems upset, so what’s up? Shula tells him that she has met an old friend (without revealing exactly just how friendly they were) and wonders what might have been. Dan suggests that she can still follow her dream (“Perhaps when I was younger” she replies), to which Dan says she’s not that old and “Come on mum, it’s not all over yet, is it?” This is what we are wondering and perhaps we should note that, having been away from the area for some time, Richard is now a doctor in a practice in Felpersham - just down the road, really.

Elsewhere, it was a busy Easter for Kate, as she offered to do the cooking over the holiday. Jennifer later moans at Brian, saying that he could have at least pretended to enjoy it, as Kate was upset because Phoebe was spending time with Hayley (Phoebe’s no fool, obviously). Jen and Brian are watching the Brownies’ Easter Bonnet parade and she is concerned that he doesn’t want one of Fallon’s Hot Cross buns. Kenton, who is organising the catering at the Pop-Up Bull, asks if he wanted any lamb tagine instead “as you couldn’t get enough of it yesterday.” Oops! Jennifer cannot believe that he snuck off to The Bull after Kate’s meal, although from how Brian describes it, the only surprise is that he didn’t stick his fingers down his throat first.

On Tuesday, Kate is helping to plant strawberries in the polytunnels. Has she turned over a new, helpful leaf? Not exactly, as Adam is paying her for it. I bet he wishes that it was piece-work, as the others are planting twice as many as Kate. This is due to the fact that she talks to each plant as she places it lovingly in the earth and stops just short of singing each one a lullaby and tucking it in. If she had lavished half as much attention on Phoebe, Phoebe might not be closer to Hayley than she is to her natural mum.

Adam tells her to pull her finger out and, when Charlie turns up to talk to him, Kate comes out to chat, until Adam tells her to get back in the polytunnel and please try and plant more than two plants an hour. Charlie takes Adam to lunch at Grey Gables, where Adam gets a phone call from an indignant Kate, angry that he didn’t tell her he was going to Grey Gables. Adam’s response is along the lines of “I don’t have to - I’m the boss, now get back on the strawberries” as he ends the call. Dock her wages, Adam.

At Bridge Farm, the local produce section of the temporary village shop is turning over good business and Helen is quite enjoying herself. Not so Rob, who phones her, asking what’s for dinner and when is she coming home? In a rare show of defiance, she tells Rob to look in the fridge and make something from that and give Henry some fish fingers. As it turns out, Rob’s mushroom stroganoff is inedible. He tries to force feed Henry then Helen says she can’t eat hers either. Rob says he’s sorry that it’s so disgusting “but if you’re never going to be here Helen, what do you expect?” Call me cynical, but what’s the betting that Rob deliberately messed up the meal in order to lay a guilt trip on Helen?

Tony has a hospital check-up and the fracture (what, only one? Call that a trampling?) is healing nicely. Tom keeps leaving brochures about bulls all over the place and trying to get his dad to take the decision to buy one, but Tony is, understandably, reluctant to take the plunge. Tom tells Helen that Tony “has to get back on the bike sometime”, but it’s a bit different: when you fall off a bike, it doesn’t jump up and down on you, crush you against a wall and try to gore you to death.

The Grundys featured prominently this week, with Eddie accompanying Ed to look at tractors for the latter’s embryonic contracting business, but more of this later. Eddie gets a frantic call from a panic-stricken Joe, saying that Caroline has called in the pest control people and “they are gonna murder Daphne”. Daphne is the runaway ferret that escaped after Joe brought her to Grey Gables as she was looking peaky. This latest crisis was precipitated when Susan saw “something furry” scuttling along the skirting board and everyone assumed it was a rat.

The situation became farcical, when Joe is convinced that a chambermaid inadvertently scooped Daphne up with some used sheets and dumped them in her trolley. Eddie and Joe are going through the sheets when Roy comes across them and asks what do they think they are playing at? Eddie comes up with some cock and bull story about looking for a pillow (why not ring Reception, Eddie?) and Roy cuts him short by producing Daphne from his pocket. Joe is over the moon, until Roy says that he can’t keep her at the hotel. Joe protests that Daphne would be safe in his room, but Roy points out that this is obviously not true, as she escaped earlier. In the end Roy suggests that he take Daphne home with him and look after her. The man must be mad.

Back to the tractor-hunting. Ed is looking at a well-used machine, but Eddie only has eyes for a newer, bright green monster which is more expensive. In the end, Eddie persuades him, by saying that Ed will need a powerful tractor when his workload builds up and, it might be more expensive, but he should regard it as an investment. Ed is still unconvinced, reminding himself that he and Emma had agreed never to get into debt again. Eddie says that it’s a tractor - the tool of Ed’s trade - and not a pair of curtains and Emma will understand. That’s as maybe, but I think what is worrying Ed is that he is going to have to explain to his wife-to-be that he has sought - and, even worse, followed - financial and business advice from Eddie, whose track record in these fields is - to put it charitably - less than spectacularly successful.

Seek Help Now, Kenton!

Richard Attlee (Kenton Archer)

Is it possible to get Deep Vein Thrombosis of the brain? If so, that would explain Kenton’s increasingly bizarre attitude towards his younger brother, and it could be the case, as Kenton has just completed a long-haul flight back from Australia.

You’d think that he would have enough on his plate with clearing up the mess at The Bull and trying to come up with a viable plan to keep going, but when he learns that David will be chairing a meeting to discuss the future regarding floods, he makes a point of going along and interrupting his brother at every turn, questioning his decisions and undermining his suggestions. Kenton gets his own way about having a committee to look at future flood strategy - and what a committee it is; David, Kenton, Jim, Lynda, Usha, Rob (strangely) and Jennifer. My immediate reaction was “you’ve never got a machine gun handy when you need it, have you?”

After the meeting, David confronts his brother, asking (quite reasonably, I feel) why he came along if he was only going to be obstructive? David adds: “If you’ve got a problem with me, could we sort it out in private?” Kenton says that somebody has to stop David and (voice rising manically) “You’re setting yourself up as the selfless defender of this community - you’ve got a nerve, you really have”. Kenton then leaves, presumably to wipe the foam from his lips and dismember the odd cat with his bare hands.

On Friday, Jolene mentions to Alan that Kenton has staked so much on this weekend (the pop-up Bull and Easter egg hunt) so I can’t help thinking that it makes real sense to alienate a whole section of the family. Rooooth talks to Heather about the rift between the two brothers - and aren’t Jill’s children really good at having these rifts? - and Heather suggests getting Kenton and Jolene over for afternoon tea on Monday. Sounds like a plan.

Over at The Bull, Jolene takes a call from Rooooth, inviting them over and Kenton goes into melt-down mode, saying that there’s no way he would sit down at the same table as David, saying that David “Is totally responsible for our mountain of debt!” Yes, I remember David marching Kenton down to the travel agent and forcing him at gunpoint to book a holiday to Australia with Business Class flights and top-quality accommodation. Then, while Kenton was away, David did a rain dance and deliberately diverted the Am in order to flood The Bull.

Kenton goes even further; equating what David did, with Tom jilting Kirsty at the altar. The difference is that Tom was labelled a pariah and felt compelled to leave the country, while David “Rescued a few people in the flood and now he’s a hero”. Kenton’s final word is “I don’t want to sit down with my smug, double-crossing brother - I don’t want anything to so with him, ever again”. So that’s a ‘no’ to Easter Monday tea then, is it Kenton?

Over at Bridge Farm, the hastily-relocated shop is stocked and opened. The Archer family would like to have a corner devoted to local (i.e. Bridge Farm) products but Pat is worried as a) it’s a Community Shop and they can’t be seen to take it over and b) what is Susan going to say? I would make the observation that a) Bridge Farm is supplying the space, the electricity and the manpower to get the shop set up and b) Susan should keep her capacious mouth shut if she values her job at the dairy, so go ahead and get that cheese and those sausages on show. As it turned out, Susan was so preoccupied with the lack of broadband at the Post Office part of the shop, that she agreed to the Archers’ request without a murmur.

Susan is also worried about Emma’s wedding, telling Rooooth that she hopes Ed will spruce himself up for the occasion. So there you have it Ed - clean the mud (and whatever else) off those wellies and give them a good buffing up so they look good as you walk down the aisle at St. Stephen’s.

The shop is the least of Bridge Farm’s worries, as during the week, they are paid a visit by Mr Wallace of (I think) the Health & Safety Executive. Tony is interviewed under caution - just what you need when you are recovering from being trampled by a bull - and Tony is worried because he can’t remember many details. Obviously Tony should have taken notes as he was being trampled and gored and I wondered why Mr Wallace was there in the first place - did he think that Tony deliberately arranged for the bull to break free and jump up and down on him?

Mr Wallace asks why Ed was driving the bull rather than Eddie, but Tony robustly defends Ed as a stockman and also says that Johnny is “a competent stockman”, which is a bit of an exaggeration, plus Johnny wasn’t in charge of the stock, but of Henry. Mr Wallace then impugns the character of Otto - did the vendor say he had dangerous tendencies? The answer is ‘no’ and, as Otto is now a pile of steaks and pie filling, he can’t give us his side of the story.

Just to add to Tony’s anxiety, Mr Wallace tells him that it could be two months before the results of the investigation and whether there’ll be a prosecution. However, a custodial sentence is unlikely but, as Tony tells Pat, there’s a possibility of a substantial fine and “another stain on the reputation of Bridge Farm”. Welcome home and enjoy your Easter, Tony!

There was a slightly surreal series of cameos when Joe let one of his ferrets (Daphne) escape and she was at large in Grey Gables. Eddie berated his father for being a total prat (which could be a weekly ritual) and we were treated to episodes where Ed was turning up with a fishing net and he, Eddie and Joe were trying to catch the elusive Daphne, stalking the corridors of Grey Gables.

The situation was exacerbated when a couple of guests rang Roy and Lynda at Reception to report ‘a scratching’ behind the skirting boards or from the room next door. Roy catches the Grundys prowling the corridors and there is a farce when Eddie goes into a bathroom and there are sounds of a struggle, after which he emerges, claiming to have killed a Field Mouse and Roy can bugger off and not worry any more. If I were Caroline and Oliver, I would willingly pay for the Grundys to stay at a five star hotel - any other five star hotel.

Over to Home Farm, where Adam is still banging on about the state of the soil. Mind you, as they have lost 10 acres of Winter Wheat, he might have a point. Adam asks Brian whether he wants to pass on a working farm, or a dust bowl? Brian prevaricates while he goes online to see which would give the best return. OK, I lied.

In the kitchen, Kate is talking to Jennifer, who says how much work she has on, what with doing articles for The Echo etc. Kate then suggests that why doesn’t she take some of the load off her mother (alien abduction, obviously) and do the cooking? Jennifer agrees with alacrity, which seems to indicate that she obviously hates her husband. When told, Brian is horrified, telling Jennifer that she would have produced a leg of lamb or venison and what will Kate produce? Tell you what Bri, if you want meat, I’d book into the Bull, assuming that Kenton hasn’t been carried away by the men in white coats. Even if you don’t want meat, it would surely be worth that to get away from Kate?

Later on, Adam talks to Kate (and he’s one of the few who can do so without wanting to throttle her) about his reservations over the state of the land and the cocky bitch says that, when she’s finished her course, she’ll be able to tell them where they have been going wrong. Tell you what Adam, why not improve the organic content of the soil by ploughing Kate’s lifeless and butchered body into the Home Farm fields? That would be the most work she’s done in many a year.