Tom Shows His Caring Side (Not)

Tom Graham (Tom Archer)

The scarecrow competition reached its unbearable climax on Sunday when Lewis judged the entries. The tension between the Grundy brothers was at fever pitch when Lewis – nailing his colours firmly to the fence – announced a dead heat between Ed's and Will's Billy Goats Gruff entries.

Actually, it was a neat solution, as George won both prizes (although there were chocolates for Jake and Mia as well), and it prevented further internecine strife between the Grundy siblings. In fact, everyone agreed that it was a good solution and both sides had their photo taken together. "I can't remember the last time William and Edward appeared in the same photograph" said Eddie to Neil, later on.

Meanwhile, the enterprise that was Bridge Farm appears to be going to hell in a handcart. E-coli was the main topic of conversation at the fete, with people shunning Tom's burgers and hot dogs, much to his disgust. Clarrie tells Eddie that she has to give two consecutive clear samples (and that's an image that I'm finding hard to shift from my brain) before she can think of going back to work.

But will she have a job to go back to? Susan, who has been packing veg boxes and helping out at Ambridge Organics, tells Neil that there were hardly any customers. Pat, meanwhile, is throwing wobblies because she can't get the dairy steam cleaned for a week or so and alternating between anger and sympathy for the stricken children still in hospital. Her mood is not improved when she visits Underwoods, to find their shelves stocked with a rival's product.

The local Press are laying siege to Bridge Farm and driving Tony mad (how about cleaning the yard with a high pressure hose, Tony?). Still, he should be grateful it's only The Echo and not the Nationals. David, wearing his NFU hat, suggests that Tony rings the union press office and think about issuing a statement. He's not convinced, but drafts one and the family agrees to release it.

We had a horticultural interlude on Wednesday, with Lynda admiring Jill's garden and both saying how much they learned from the recent GQT visit. The boredom was relieved by the news that Flat Leaf Parsley won't be able to make the Snell's upcoming party, as her hubby has just taken a job in The Netherlands. Yes, Holland is rather the other side of the world, isn't it? At least we will be spared Lynda going all gooey over Oscar.

Chris and Alice have been married a year! Can it really be 12 months since Jennifer's nose was so spectacularly put out of joint? Anyway, Chris has to present his business plan to the bank – he's torn between the Bob Geldof approach ("Give us yer f***ing money!") and that of Bonnie and Clyde ("This is a shotgun, please place the money in the bag") and is not confident of securing a loan. Never mind, Alice has a bottle of champagne ready to toast their anniversary and no doubt will offer other consolations. As it turned out, Chris didn't do too badly and the bank suggested a revised scheme for half the money whereby he rents Ronnie's premises, rather than buy them outright.

At Casa Nueva, Nic says how much she loves being in the country and hopes the kids will feel the same. Will is delighted and invites them all to accompany him in the evening, when he's going to shoot a fox. The family that slays together stays together, obviously.

And so we return to Bridge Farm, where Tony has managed to find a company that will come and steam clean the dairy within a few days. Pat can't get the girl in hospital out of her mind and reckons there's a good chance that they could be sued. But wait! Tom has an idea and runs it past Brenda in the pub. She agrees and Tom persuades Helen to back him up when talking to Pat and Tony.

The idea? Simple – Clarrie has to be fired and her name dragged through the papers. Better still, if she could carry a bell and walk the streets of Ambridge (preferably in rags and chains) yelling "unclean!" that would be even better. Then, after she has done penance at the church and birched herself for 20 minutes, she will be taken to the village green, where she will be put inside this giant wicker figure (made out of the scarecrow entries, presumably) and ceremonially burnt, while screaming "it's the least I deserve!". "This will show we're taking it seriously" says Tom. After all, what are friends for if not to be sacrificed?

Pat and Tony however decide that they do not want to be village outcasts by hanging their friend (who's been working in the dairy for 16 years) out to dry. In the middle of the argument, Clarrie rings up to say that she is at last clear of e-coli and asks about her job. Pat is non-committal, saying that the dairy has yet to get the all-clear from Environmental Health and she will let Clarrie know.

Clarrie is disappointed, but not as much as if she could hear Tom's latest plans, which involve pins, fingernails and being broken on the wheel. Do you know, I think I liked him better when he wasn't speaking.

Clarrie The Carrier

 Rosalind Adams (Clarrie Grundy)

The week started so well for Clarrie, with her granddaughter's christening on Sunday. Even better – Eddie's embarrassing brother Alf couldn't make it.

We realised that Nic, Will and children obviously don't go to church very often when Mia kept asking "why is that man (Alan the vicar) wearing a nightie?" Neil tells Alan that he feels it is the wrong way round, having the child christened before they are even married. Alan, however is more relaxed about it, saying it's just nice to welcome a child into the Church. Yeah – like Emma and Ed will ever go again.

Ed is alarmed when George lets slip that Will is making three goats and a troll for the scarecrow contest and Emma moans (yes, I too found it amazing) because Keira won't sleep through the night. She also cries a lot – Nic picks her up and she stops at once. Jake asks Nic if he can have a baby sister – No! Nic promptly gives Keira back and she starts crying again. She's probably starting to recognise her mother.

Monday saw high drama, when the Environmental Health people swooped on Bridge Farm mob handed. It seems that people at the gymkhana at the weekend went down with e-coli and they had all had Bridge Farm ice cream. The EH demand access to all areas and Pat agrees to a voluntary recall of all Bridge Farm products.

Susan and Clarrie are interviewed by the EH people and Clarrie said that she had a stomach upset on Saturday and came back to work on Monday. She didn't tell Pat because she hadn't missed any work days. It looks bad for Clarrie, as you are supposed to wait at least 48 hours before returning to work. The EH leave, bearing lots of samples and with the ominous news that they will call back when the results are known. In the meantime, Pat sends Susan and Clarrie home but is still paying their wages, which is good of her.

Perhaps we can see where Bridge Farm are making economies as the next day is Jack's 92nd birthday and we learn that one of the cards is from Tony, Pat, Helen, Tom, Brenda and Henry. Six people on one card – how cheap is that?

Despite the fact that there are no Bridge Farm products in the shop, and that Pat has told the fete committee that they will have to find another supplier, and that Underwoods are unhappy about the product recall, to the extent that they have cancelled their order for Tom's sausages, nobody in the village seems to have spotted that something's up. Mind you, Jennifer does wonder why there's no cream at the shop and does Susan know why? Susan doesn't, but sees this as an ideal opportunity to tell Jennifer what a wonderful chance it would be for someone to invest in Chris's business. Jen appears not to be listening, but next day she moans to Lilian about the unsubtlety of Susan's approach.

Jennifer can be a nasty cow at times and she blames Chris, telling Lilian that "I can see that he will be looking for a leg up at every stage of his career." Jen also says that she thinks Alice was disappointed at 'only' getting a 2:1 degree, instead of a First. We know who the disappointed one really is.

In case you were thinking that it was all about Bridge Farm last week, over at Brookfield Josh is acting strangely – apparently leaving the house clutching a backpack and a plastic bucket. Perhaps he's leaving home? I await the outcome, whatever it is, with interest. Ruth also gives David the news that the milk yields are down again, making him even more depressed, if that were possible. "Sometimes I feel like jacking it all in", he says, despondently.

Back at Bridge Farm, the product recall notice appears in the Echo, plus there is a story about people being taken ill with e-coli at the gymkhana. And still nobody makes the connection. On Thursday the EH ring up and confirm that the cleaning was OK and it looks like Clarrie is the source of the outbreak. Pat has a rant, telling Tom (who has started speaking again, by the way) "Why was Clarrie so stupid? She's put the whole business in jeopardy!"

Why not ask Clarrie herself? Pat storms round to the Grundy's, where she tells Clarrie in no uncertain terms that it's down to her. "You do realise how serious it is?" Pat asks a horrified Clarrie. Just in case she doesn't, Pat tells her that her thoughtlessness has put lives at risk, plus the whole business, which they have been building up for years, could go under "And it will be all your fault!" she screams at Clarrie. So, no employee of the month award, then?

Fallon Down

Joanna van Kampen (Fallon Rogers)

Poor Fallon hasn't had a lot of luck in her life, has she? It got off to a bad start by having Wayne for a father (and he's been blessedly absent for weeks now – keep your fingers crossed that it continues), although things did admittedly look up for Fallon when Wayne walked out on Jolene and her.

Last week, she suffered again when Harry, in an uncharacteristically insensitive moment, asked her if she could suggest somewhere classy (but not too expensive) where he could take Zofia and give her a really special night out. Fallon still harbours feelings for Harry and she got quite stroppy with Kirsty when the latter suggested they take on Harry and Zofia at boule. Talking with Kirsty later, Fallon says that she's missed her chance with him – I'm not so sure, although Harry does seem besotted with his Polish fruit picker.

The competition on the scarecrow front is hotting up and, as I predicted, Ambridge will soon be awash with Billy Goats Gruff. Emma is obsessed with winning and ropes poor Neil in to make the troll for George, saying that she really wants to win the prize. "No pressure then" said Neil.

But there is pressure elsewhere in the Carter household, as Susan feels the strain of having to prepare the food for the christening party. Clarrie has said she will help and Nic offered to cook something. Susan, however, is obviously modelling herself on control freak Jennifer, as she turns down Nic's offer, with just a hint of hysteria. All's well, though, as Clarrie persuades her to let Nic cook the hot dogs. Honestly, what with stressing about the food and moaning to Neil about wasting time with the scarecrow, Susan will have a breakdown.

She also seems to be developing delusions of grandeur – Emma (looking on the bright side as always) wonders what will happen if it rains on the day. "It's not going to rain," shrieks a demented Susan, adding "Nothing's going to go wrong! It will be the perfect christening party!" That sounds like tempting Fate – and with people like Eddie and his brother Alf being invited (not to mention Joe) – the potential for disaster is monumental.

Of course, Susan is also worried about the state of son Christopher's finances. Having extricated himself from the loan shark by taking out a loan to buy the new van, he wants to buy out boss Ronnie's farrier business. Should he take out a second loan? He consults Dad Neil, who advises caution (now there's a surprise). Susan continues fretting, but Neil says helpfully "They'll manage." Susan wishes that they could help Chris and Alice but Neil scotches that idea. Susan (who doesn't know about the loan shark, thank God) thinks that it is Alice's expectations that is causing the trouble and that Jennifer doesn't approve. In the next breath, Susan muses that perhaps Brian and Jennifer ought to invest in Chris's future business and put up the money. It doesn't seem likely, as when Brian and Jennifer discuss Alice and Chris, Brian takes what might be described as 'the Neil approach' by saying "They'll be OK". Of course, Brian is preoccupied because he's the latest entrant in the scarecrow competition and has roped Adam in to make one for Ruari. Honestly – is there no-one in Ambridge who isn't stuffing sacks with straw and bending chicken wire?

Going back to Susan, one thing she is spot on about is that Jennifer doesn't approve and Jen loses no time in telling Brian that this is what she was afraid of when Alice rushed into marriage "and now she's finding out what it's like; existing on a low income". Brian points out that Chris has a good job in a good trade and they are living in a rent-free cottage, so there's no need for Alice to go on the streets just yet.

For her part, Alice feels guilty for getting Chris into the loan mess in the first place and for not bringing in a wage to help. Chris says there's no way she is giving up her post-graduate studies and they will manage somehow.

When Alice says that she will be buying some frozen pizzas, Jennifer reverts to über-snob mode and says "Pizzas?" in the same tone that you or I might use when talking about dog's mess on the pavement. Jen's blood pressure goes into orbit when Alice, asks to borrow The Echo and casually mentions that she's looking for jobs to bring in some money. "A job?" says Jennifer in her 'pizza?' voice and proceeds to give Alice a lecture about having a proper career.

This being Jennifer, she goes on and on about it until an obviously pissed-off Alice says "I've only just got back from Uni – stop trying to plan my career for me." Jennifer is affronted and, in a hurt voice says "All right darling – I'll stop interfering". Can we have that in writing, please Jennifer?

The Scarecrow Race

Maddie Glasbey (Natalie)

I'm becoming convinced that most of the men in Ambridge are lucky to have wives or girlfriends who, quite frankly, are much too good for them. The classic example is Clarrie, who has put up with Eddie for longer than anyone should have to suffer and it appears that being a clueless git is embedded in the Grundy genes, as William can rely on Nic, who is way, way too nice for him.

Not only too nice, but more refined, not that that's difficult. Nic surprises Will at work with a picnic, telling him she popped into the patisserie. "What? The cake shop, you mean?" replies man-of-the world William. Yes William, and later on she bought some steak at the meat shop, some bananas at the fruit shop and some aspirin at the pill shop.

The latest star to appear on the scene is Natalie, who has taken arch-miserable sod Jamie under her wing and is proving to be a good influence on him. So much so that she is trying to persuade him to go to sixth form college; telling him that if he doesn't, they'll be apart for two years, which begs the question why is she trying to persuade him? I would have thought that two years away from Jamie would be favourite.

Jamie is worried how his friend Marty will face up to court, while everyone tells Jamie how good he's being. He and Kathy are getting along famously and Kathy tells him to go to the Bull and spend some time with Jolene and Kenton: "It's just what you need right now". How cruel is that? What have Jolene and Kenton ever done to Kathy? Actually, quite a lot when you think about it, so perhaps sending Jamie was a sort of twisted revenge.

The date of Phoebe's departure to South Africa draws nearer and Hayley is having last-minute doubts about whether Kate will look after her. "Are we doing the right thing?" she asks Roy. Don't be so stupid woman – of course you are! Getting rid of Kate and a moody Phoebe has to be a win-win situation. Even better, the local school can't guarantee Phoebe a place when she returns – maybe you should stay out there, Phoebe? One supreme bit of good news – Kate got to the airport and got on the plane. Jennifer went with her; presumably to make sure she left.

At the Borsetshire Show, David is networking in his NFU Presidential role, while Pip's lambs take the prize for being the most lamb-like or something. She tells Spencer that she really wants to work at Brookfield after her uni course but is worried that David thinks the business won't be able to afford her and she will have to look elsewhere for work. Perhaps you would all like to join me in praying for a recession in the farming sector for the next three years just to make sure?

Elsewhere, Tom continues to be an offstage character, being talked about but never appearing, while Rhys the barman has been given a speaking part. Not content with being forced off his bike with Harry by the car stolen by Steve, he is now renting Peggy Woolley's flat, which presumably means that previous tenant Helen will be staying at Bridge Farm permanently. How lucky is that for Pat and Tony?

The Keira Godmother crisis is averted when it is revealed that Samantha (Emma's cousin) and Alice have agreed to do it. Ed tells Emma that Alice and Chris have had a difficult time with a loan shark in Southampton and they were a bit rocky for a while. Apparently this story ran on the "Ambridge Extra" series on Radio 4 Extra and I hope we are not going to have this situation of précised plots all the time. Keep The Archers on Radio 4, say I!

Anyway, Ed says to Emma "Don't breathe a word", which sounds like the triumph of hope over experience. When Emma is talking to Alice a bit later, she lets it be known that she knows there has been trouble, making the atmosphere a bit frosty. Ed will have more time on his hands as he asked Oliver if he'd do two milkings a week. Oliver is delighted and, when Ed says he's worried that he can't afford the going rate, Oliver tells him that he'll do it for nothing, as a friend. Presumably Ed is now wondering if he can get Ollie to do it seven days. Oliver now officially joins Nic and Natalie as a member of the "too nice" club.

Finally, you may remember the Space Race and the Arms Race? Well ladies and gentlemen, we now have the Scarecrow Race! George was disappointed that Emma and Ed wouldn't build him a Billy Goats Gruff Troll scarecrow, so Nic and William decided to step in. Emma and Ed then had a change of heart, only to find out that Will and Nic's scarecrow is much bigger and better. "We can't just take it," says Emma, "We'll have to up our game!"

Instead of just a troll, there will also be a goat. But what will happen when the other side finds out? Presumably three goats? Then someone might decide to incorporate a bridge. Where will it all end? At this rate I envisage a scale model of Ambridge, incorporating the Am, a fully-functioning bridge, manned by a battalion of trolls and being crossed by an army of goats. And I bet the miserable little sod George still wouldn't be satisfied.

On Their Bikes

(Sam Johnson) Steve Wilkes

Lots of two-wheeled action last week, with Harry proving that a bicycle can be an aid to wooing, as he went off on a ride with Zofia, who promised to call round one night with a bottle of cherry brandy, as long as Jazzer wasn't around. From the gist of their conversation, it seems this wouldn't be the first cherry she's given him.

We also learned that Phoebe will soon be on her bike – on the evening of the party for her 13th birthday, we were told that Hayley had agreed to let her go to South Africa for a year. Result! And she and Kate are going on 6th July. There was one heart-freezing moment when Kate revealed that she would be doing a Masters at Felpersham College. "No!" I mouthed wordlessly at the radio, and the scalpel was fast approaching the wrist when Kate added that it would be long distance learning, from South Africa. Phew!

Kate actually behaves like a normal human being and thanks Hayley for letting Phoebe go. Later on Hayley and Roy talk of how happy Phoebe is "and I even had a nice moment with Kate" Hayley adds, and you don't hear that very often. We should congratulate Alice, on achieving a 2:1 degree and she too will be doing a Masters at Felpersham, always assuming that she can leave Christopher alone long enough to go to college.

The older members of the Aldridge family were involved in getting things ready for Phoebe's party, where Jennifer was distraught to learn that the Fete Committee has lined up Carinthia Hart, author of Mistress of the Paddocks, to open this year's fete. She will be signing her books on the day but I suspect Jennifer won't be buying.

We had merry japes when Caroline surprised Oliver by taking him out on their fifth wedding anniversary and all along he thought she was going to work. The couple talk about Ed's offer of being Keira's Godparents and Caroline says that she doesn't think she can make the religious commitment and will have to say 'no'.

Bearing in mind that Caroline was a bit of a goer in her time, this sudden attack of morals seems strange to say the least. Oliver agreed to go and tell Ed that he's up for it but Caroline isn't and we gain an insight into the reverence and respect that Ed and Emma have for their child's christening when both profess themselves amazed that she could be taking it so seriously. Presumably all they want is someone to turn up on the day with the silver mug and hopefully not forget the Godchild when it comes to will-writing time?

Kenton becomes the latest village person to try and make Lizzie see that she is being a moody and vindictive cow by suggesting that it is unfair on Lily and Freddie. Elizabeth's reply is that she's not stopping them going to Brookfield, it's just that she herself will never set foot in the place again. She wasn't so fussy when we had the inheritance row a few years back. Just in case Kenton hasn't grasped the point, she says "There isn't going to be a reconciliation between me and David." Kenton says he feels sorry for her and is no doubt wondering how quickly he can decently leave to move into the Bull.

It proved quite a busy week for Kenton, as on Thursday a distressed Jamie called him – Jamie, friend Marty and Steve (brother of the too-good-to-be-true Spencer) were in a pub. Steve (who is under age) had a couple of lagers and nicked a customer's car keys. Jamie didn't get into the car as Steve drove off like a man possessed and knocked Harry and Rhys off their bikes (I told you there were a lot of bikes this week) as they were having a friendly race along the lanes of Borsetshire.

Kenton says "It’s time I had a grown-up conversation with Jamie." What? You couldn't do grown-up if your life depended on it, Kenton!

Eventually Kenton takes Jamie back to see Kathy, who was so relieved that he was OK that she forgot to moan at him. Jamie has to give a statement to the police and feels guilty for grassing up his mates. He's worried too that he might have to give evidence in court but the week comes to a happy end as he tells Kathy "Mum – you've been amazing" (changed his tune, the little git), while she says "I'm so proud of you – you go and call Natalie while I cook omelette (and chips)."

Things look bad for Steve – drinking, driving, no insurance, stealing a car – but it could get even worse, as Inspector Clouseau-Snell is hunting high and low for whoever sprayed hair dye on the llamas and is seeking justice. Never mind Revenge of the Pink Panther; if Steve isn't careful, I can see him being fitted up for the Pink Llama job.

Harry 1 Jazzer 0

Michael Shelford (Harry)

At last! Harry got off with Zofia, after Kenton told her that Harry and Jazzer were not, as she suspected, a gay couple. When the little Polish minx heard this, she couldn't wait to grab Harry and get him away from Jaxx's and alone; presumably for an intellectual conversation.

And how did Jazzer take this defeat in the lists of love? Was he downhearted? Not exactly, as he immediately pulled someone else and Kenton gave him a beer on the house, so he probably thought he was ahead of the game. Harry, meanwhile, is planning to go on a bike ride with Zofia. God, this boy knows how to treat a woman!

Jill got her hopes sky high when Lizzie texted Shula to see if she could go and see her. Was this the much-hoped-for breakthrough in the unpleasantness between Lizzie and David? Actually no, as Lizzie dumped David and Ruth as guardians of Lily and Freddie, substituting Shula and Alistair instead. When David and Ruth realise this (on receipt of a formal letter) David sinks even further into despair, saying that he has made such a mess of keeping the family together and what a useless person he is.

Ruth cannot bear to see him like this and resolves to go and try and make Lizzie see what she's doing. Good plan, Ruth, with the slight flaw that Lizzie doesn't give a toss. Ruth tells her how much they adore Lily and Freddie. "It's not about what you and David want" says Lizzie, telling Ruth that David forced Nigel to do something he didn't want to do and now he's dead. Excuse me, but Nigel was all for it, boasting about how he knew the roof of Lower Loxley like the back of his hand. Trouble is, the only person who knows this is David and the chances of Liz listening to him are remote.

Still, it has been six months, so perhaps Lizzie is mellowing? "I'll never forgive him – you can tell him that from me!" Lizzie yells, in a most unmellow-like mood. Ruth then suggests that Lizzie goes for counselling and the words 'red', 'rag' and 'bull' spring to mind, as Lizzie goes berserk at the suggestion. All in all, not one of Ruth's most successful attempts at peace-making and that noise you can hear is that of boats being burned.

There was humour when the Book Club met to discuss "Mistress of the Paddocks" – Jennifer's choice as an example of a chicklit romcom. Not only is the book absolutely dire, but some of the Club members reckon that it is a thinly-veiled biography of Brian and Jennifer. Even the names of the hero and heroine are Byron and Jilly.

Of those present at the meeting, Susan and Pat are the only ones (apart from Jennifer) who are aware of this and we were treated to the comments of the others (Jim and Usha) about how Byron will roger anything with a pulse and mammaries and what a complete doormat Jilly is for putting up with it. Susan even refers to Byron as 'Brian' at one stage, but thinks that she got away with it. Let's be honest – if Susan realises that it's a put up job, how dense must the others be to not notice?

Elsewhere, at Emma's insistence, Ed takes pity on poor, rudderless Oliver and asks him if he'd like to do the milking on a couple of afternoons? Ollie jumps at the chance and, when Ed suggests he might like to talk it over with Caroline, he is adamant: "It will do her good to have a taste of her own medicine" says Oliver. In the unlikely event that she even notices, that is.

Ed demonstrates his culinary prowess after work one day when George, who is being a right pain, demands his tea. Ed says he will cook 'cheesy beans'. Wow! How times change – it wasn't that long ago that he was hunting down artichokes for a pregnant Emma. He and her discuss getting Keira christened and, obviously knowing when they are on to a good thing, decide to ask Caroline and Oliver to be Godparents.

For those wondering about when I'm going to get round to Phoebe and her proposed trip to South Africa, you can stop there because, quite frankly, I really don't care any more.

2011 is a momentous year – the Snells have been in Ambridge for 25 years (and nobody has tried to kill Lynda yet, which is in itself remarkable). How to celebrate? Party! The initial list comes to about 150 people and, as Lynda is waxing lyrical about celebrating friendship, Robert steers her outside to show her the llamas, which somebody has sprayed with pink dye. Lynda is distraught, but the llamas don't seem too bothered. Who could it be? Pink suggests a pre-teen female, although I suppose it could be young Jamie up to his old tricks, while at the same time undergoing a sexual identity crisis?

The Invisible Man

I've touched on this before – every so often a character goes awol. In the past we have had prolonged absences from Adam, Christine and Oliver and the latest absentee is Tom. He still features in storylines – recently he took his burger van to the Open Farm Sunday at Home Farm and we were told that the queue was enormous. Pip practically had an orgasm, wondering what the magic ingredient was that made them so good? Er, could it be meat? From Tom however, not a word. If he's not careful, they could do a Marjorie Antrobus on him and we will never hear from him again.

Open Farm Sunday gave Brian the chance to show his misanthropic side, spreading doom and despondency until a busload of punters turned up to swell the attendance. He then switched to caring farmer mode, lecturing the visitors about the need to provide food for a starving world. That's a bit rich, coming from a man who has done his utmost to add to the growing population.

Pip and Spencer talk about holidays, with Pip worried because she hasn't heard back from auntie Liz about working at Lower Loxley and fears that she has joined David on Lizzie's 'persona non grata' list. Spencer has the brilliant suggestion of talking to her about it. Actually, Spencer seems a regular sort of guy, although I noted that he referred to David as 'David' – whatever happened to 'Mr Archer'? Don't get too familiar my lad!

Later on in the week, Ruth finds that she has joined David on Lizzie's hate list, when Lizzie doesn't send her a birthday card. Ruth and Pip are both upset, with Ruth saying "It just seems so petty – not like Elizabeth at all." Sorry Ruth, but this is the new Elizabeth we're talking about and it's exactly like her.

Towards the end of the week, Pip goes to see Lizzie about the job and tells Spencer that she'll ask Liz about not sending Ruth a card. "I'll be tactful" said Pip. In the event, she asked Liz if she didn't send a card on purpose. "This thing with your father goes really deep. I'm sorry" said Liz, to which Pip replied "Mum's sorry too – I thought you should know." Don't be surprised if, when she turns up to work at Lower Loxley, Pip finds that instead of waiting on tables, she's cleaning out pigsties with a teaspoon, or collecting dog dirt. Rule number one Pip; do not piss off the boss, even if she is family.

Earlier I said that Brian was a miserable sod and his mood was not improved when he was outvoted at the meeting to decide whether or not to bring forward completion of the market project. Lilian won the day, aided by Annabelle who did the dirty on Brian by voting against him. Not that Lilian crowed over her victory – not much she didn't. On more than one occasion, Brian mentioned the fact that failure to deliver could involve them in substantial penalties, so we wait to see if it all ends in tears.

Elsewhere, Jamie has had his last exam, so Kathy can stop nagging him about revising, although I'm sure she'll soon find some other topic. Pat and Tony went over for dinner and, as they were thinking of going home, Jamie was getting ready to go out. I would be willing to wager a large sum on some impending disaster involving Jamie/Kathy, as we had Pat telling Kathy "You've done an incredible job with him. You've really turned a corner" and saying to Kirsty "I haven't seen Kathy that relaxed for a long time." A preface to disaster if ever I've heard one.

Oliver is wandering around like a spare part, making Ed think he's spying on him. Give the man something to do for God's sake! How about another Puppy Show? The new, improved, mellow Helen has decided to carry on with maternity leave for the next 20 years or so. Well, six months, anyway.

A storyline that is starting to annoy me is the one about whether or not Phoebe will go to South Africa and, if so, for how long? Who cares? Hayley is adamant ("How long does it take to say 'no'?") but Roy is wavering. He says it's Phoebe's choice – good, we all know what she wants so let her go and move on.

The eternal triangle that is Harry/Jazzer/Zofia grinds on, with both boys going on the pickers' trip to Felpersham Pottery and Harry getting a highly-amused Adam to reserve him the seat next to her on the bus. Harry is irked when Jazzer turns up and asks him "Why are you interested in pottery – you don't even use plates?" The rivalry between the two lads is intense, with Harry even talking to Adam about getting a job in Poland when Zofia goes home. Sadly, Zofia doesn't seem to care much about either of them and sits with her friend Magda, who is feeling poorly.

Zofia is frequently described as a bit of a looker and Brian (who knows a thing or two about women) says "She really has the most mesmerising blue eyes", which leads me to wonder whether Brian is getting old, as he doesn't usually have his mind on the higher things in life…