Get Out While You Can, Nic!

Becky Wright and Philip Molloy (Nic and Will)

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again; that Nic is way too good for Will. Mind you, 99.99% of the population are way too good for Will. Not only does she have to put up with his moaning, but she even cooked a meal for Clarrie on her birthday and made a cake. Eddie complimented Nic on her cooking, saying "I am stuffed" (oh, if only!).

There's bad news for George, when Clarrie says to Will that George is taking after him in so many ways. Will adds that George is good with birds. "Like father, like son" he says proudly, while presumably George is sticking his head in the gas oven. Clarrie witters on about "when you see your new-born baby and realise it's yours, your heart skips a beat." Nic makes an excuse to leave the room, no doubt to vomit or to remove her ovaries with a kitchen knife.

Later on in the week, Clarrie says that she sensed an atmosphere between Will and Nic and is determined to find out what's going on. Eddie suggests leaving them to sort it out themselves, which sounds eminently sensible, but that's not the Ambridge way. Ed was worried that George's routine was being disrupted and he wants him to bond with new sister Keira. Ed tells Nic this and she agrees, but when she passes on the message to Will he goes off on one (again) and ends up having a go at Nic. She eventually makes him see sense and he apologises. Leave him now, Nic!

Over at Lower Loxley, Lizzie has a hard decision to make – the falcons aren't paying their way, but on the other hand, the falconry was Nigel's baby. Which will prevail, pragmatism or romance? Perhaps Nigel's memory is fading as Lizzie decides the birds have got to go. Fortunately, Lower Loxley wine (another of Nigel's projects) has been awarded Regional Wine status yet again, or we might have seen Lizzie grubbing up the vines.

Lizzie is delighted with the performance of Roy so far ("the best decision I've ever made") but at Grey Gables, there is a crisis when Lynda discovers a leak in one of the rooms. It turned out to be caused by a faulty roof tile (sounds like a job for Nigel, David and Kenton!) and Lynda (obviously still hoping to replace Roy at some stage) does good work in getting it sorted.

Kathy shows her capacity for self-delusion when she tells Clarrie that Jamie is revising with his friend Marty – what, do they do O-levels in cider drinking now? "I think we've turned a bit of a corner" she burbles. By contrast, Shula tells Oliver that Daniel is doing lots of revision and has drawn up a timetable, the little creep. Because he is getting down to it, Shula is pleased that she doesn't have to nag him like a harridan (are you paying attention, Kathy?).

On the love front, Pip and Spencer seem to be getting it together, with Ruth telling Shula that "Pip's in lurrrve". Honestly, she sounds just like a fake Geordie Barry White. Pip meanwhile is revising hard (or at least getting her head down) and Spencer has been invited for tea again. Elsewhere on the love front, Lynda tells Lilian that James and Leonie have booked "a rather exotic holiday" but she won't spoil the surprise. As James only contacts his mother about once a year, Lilian could be in for a long wait before she finds out more.

It's single wicket time again and Shula is busy bullying everyone to take part. Even David said he'd try. According to Shula, Harry is keen to defend his title, which makes me ask 'what has happened to Harry?' – we haven't heard from him for ages. Out saving the world from some calamity or other, I guess.

And so to Home Farm, where Jennifer complained that Susan was reading 'Cranford' and wants to come to the Book Club meeting. Jen is at her snobbish best and stops just short of saying that she didn't realise that Susan could read. Brian has received an e-mail from Bridget in Ireland (one of Ruari's relatives) who thinks that Ruari should be sent to a different school, as he isn't being stretched where he is. Give him to me – I'll stretch him.

Brian investigates what's available on the Internet and raves about one school where they have lots of after-school activities and fun things to do at the weekend. Of course, to participate in these, you'd have to be a boarder and Brian and Jennifer seem quite taken by the idea. I'd watch out, Ruari, although on the plus side, at least you'd be out of the way when Kate comes back.

What? No Etchings?

Paul Webster (Ted Griffiths)

Peggy is moving ever so slightly closer to Ted and she tells Pat that he is going to show her the studio where he does his enamelling. Oh yes? Run out of etchings, have we Ted? Actually, he seems a really nice man and why shouldn't Peggy enjoy herself a little?

There was riveting radio when Peggy and Kathy discussed the merits or otherwise of the AV referendum, but even better radio was when Phoebe started talking about – and showing – her photographs, taken in South Africa. I had a moment of panic when she let slip that she'd taken 400 photos, as I was convinced that she was going to talk us through all of them, but we got away with a lot fewer than that, thank God.

Phoebe is obsessed with South Africa and keeps banging on about when – not if – she goes back to live there. This alarms Roy and Hayley but I say go for it Phoebe, the sooner the better; as long as she takes Kate back with her, of course. Kate encourages Phoebe in her ambitions and you can't help feeling that we are heading for another blockbusting Roy/Hayley v Kate domestic.

From one moody youngster to another, as Kathy is doing everything she can to keep Jamie sweet (tea in bed – in the afternoon – a choice of breakfast). She described it to Pat as "walking on eggshells". Even so, she can't resist another little dig, telling Jamie that perhaps he should print out his exam timetable so that he can plan his revision. For God's sake leave it alone, woman! Jamie has already planned his revision and, if he had printed a schedule, it would read "Revision? Nah!"

The nausea-inducing story of Will's urge to procreate is still rumbling on and poor Nic is frantically thinking up excuses to avoid talking about the subject. First of all it was because she had forgotten to buy milk; soon she'll be reduced to saying that she unexpectedly has to wash her hair. Will keeps whining on about how it never seems to be the right time – he sounds so miserable that I'm surprised he isn't following Nic around, with his bits hanging out (and that's an image which I know is going to haunt me for a long time).

If Will can't get started on producing a new sibling for George, he intends to forge an ever-closer relationship with his son. This involves asking Emma if he and Nic can have George to stay over more often. Emma agrees like a shot, but Ed isn't happy and says that Will is taking advantage and he (Ed) will go round Casa Nueva right away and sort Will out. Fortunately, Emma persuades him not to, so we are spared yet another Grundy sibling confrontation scene – for the time being, at least.

It was the end of an era – or the end of 14 years – as Roy bid farewell to Grey Gables and is looking forward to fresh challenges at Lower Loxley. He said he felt "shell-shocked" when he left for the last time and I must admit that I was pretty gobsmacked when we learnt that his leaving present was a home cinema system. "Phoebe's gonna love this" he says. Not if she sods off to South Africa, she won't.

Election fever gripped Ambridge, with seemingly everyone standing for election as a Parish Councillor. Well, maybe not everyone, but certainly Lynda, Jill, Lilian and Richard Thwaite. There was bitter rivalry over their plans for the village – Jill wants to enter 'Britain in Bloom', Lilian wants to get local businesses to tidy up the verges and waste areas, but Lynda says they are vital wildlife habitats and "shouldn't be suburbanised to gain cheap publicity for local firms" What, like AmSide, do you mean?

I can't help thinking that, if this is the most pressing thing affecting the village, then they are bloody lucky. In the event, Jill, Lynda and Richard Thwaite were elected, but Lilian missed the boat. Does this mean that Richard Thwaite will get a speaking part? Probably not, as he ran his election campaign without once being heard.

Over at Brookfield, not even the local election could cheer David up, although Ruth doesn't really help, remarking that the cricket team lost because their star player (David) didn't play. However, she has some sure-fire news that is bound to give David a lift – the milk yields are back on course! Way to go! But not even this can lighten David's mood and the best he can say is (begrudgingly) that "we're moving in the right direction". He's obviously determined to be miserable (must be the Tony Archer gene kicking in) so just leave him to get on with it Ruth, although I'd lock up the shotgun.

David is even underwhelmed when Pip says that she has arranged for Spencer – her new boyfriend – to drop in for a cuppa. Remembering David's reaction to Jude, you have to admire Pip's courage. But we need not have worried, as Spencer not only calls David and Ruth "Mr. & Mrs Archer" but he has finished university and he plans to work on his father's farm – David knows his father. As Spencer and Pip leave, Ruth describes him as "a really nice man" and David shows a flicker of interest and says approvingly "he could have had two heads – he's so not Jude." Praise indeed – I reckon you're in there Spencer.

Don't Give Up The Day Job, Alistair

Michael Lumsden (Alistair Lloyd)

Everyone is worried about David – he is moping around and everything is just too much for him. It's only a matter of time before people start calling him Jamie. Shula suggests to Ruth that he needs counselling. "He'd run a mile" says Ruth, who didn't really help by harping on to David about him not recalibrating the plate meter or whatever. Shula talks to David about the reduced milk yield (you hadn't forgotten, I hope?) and he tells her that "it's just bad management", while donning a hair shirt and thrashing himself with nettles

Yes, David is clearly in need of professional help, so the girls bring in a professional to talk to him – brother-in-law Alistair. Sadly, Alistair is a vet, not a psychiatrist - and it shows. When David tells him that he wants to leave the cricket team, Alistair suggests to David that he must be feeling very isolated, psychologically. "All our recent problems have been down to me" says a despondent David. A wonderful job of cheering him up there, Alistair, but at least you didn't stick your hand up his bum.

Meanwhile, over in Monte Carlo, Jolene waxes lyrical about the shower in the hotel bathroom and says she will have one to freshen up. Kenton thinks this is a good idea, but sadly he keeps tripping over his tongue and is disappointed when Jolene sends him down to the lobby to retrieve a magazine. Anyway, they seem to have a good time and Kenton even ended up in pocket, after winning at the Casino.

This week's "you could have knocked me down with a feather" moment came when James Bellamy visited Lilian (or 'Ma', as he calls her, which is nearly as bad as Nigel's 'Mummy') and Leonie (sister of Flat Leaf Parsley) came to stay with her father Robert and stepmother Lynda Snell. It transpired that James has a new girlfriend and Leonie has a new boyfriend (whom she refers to as 'Jay'). Amazingly, both partners are in Borsetshire and available to join the families for lunch. The Snells go to the Bull, where they see Matt, Lilian and Leonie and – you're never going to believe this – it turns out that Leonie and James are an item! Bugger me and hold the front page – I never saw that one coming. Hardly.

Leonie fends off Lynda's unsubtle attempts to find out her future plans by saying they have no plans to play house yet or start a family. "What is it about having a baby that turns parents from rational people into drooling idiots?" she asks, forgetting that Lynda went potty over young Oscar when Flat Leaf Parsley stayed at Ambridge Hall. As to answering Leonie's question, that sounds like one for Helen or Ed.

A storyline that had me reaching for the sickbag was the less-than-romantic suggestion from Will to Nic; "How do you feel about us having a baby?" he asked her. The horror in Nic's voice was evident as she said "I don't know what to say" (personally, I think "piss off" would have been favourite) and tells Will that the suggestion has come out of the blue. "I've been thinking about it for ages" Will replies, as I quietly passed Nic my sickbag. It's bad enough that Will has already polluted the gene pool and he shouldn't be allowed to breed again, surely?

Many people seemed keen to speak to Jamie – Kathy told him she misses him and, if he comes home, then when his exams are finished, he can do what he likes – leave school, become a drug dealer, stay in bed 24/7; the world is your oyster Jamie. Kenton's approach on the other hand is more direct – he confronts Jamie in his room at the Bull and tells him (although not in so many words) that he is a moody, parasitic, ungrateful little ratbag who should sod off back home double quick as Jolene and everyone else is getting cheesed off with the situation.

This tough love seems to have the desired effect, as Jamie turns up at Kathy's, magnanimously telling her that he has come home to stay. "Welcome home love" says Kathy. I know Jamie isn't a baby (at least not age-wise) but what was it Leone said about parents and drooling idiots?

Of course, this was the week of the Royal Wedding and the Bull was packed as people came to watch it on TV. Earlier in the week, Jolene was putting up bunting in the bar and told Kenton that they need some flags for outside the pub. There was a great opportunity here to help David over his depression – all it needed was for Kenton to say "Hey, Dave, do me a favour and help me fix these flags up on the roof, will you?"

It's For Your Own Good, Jolene

Buffy Davis (Jolene Perks)

Jolene's attempt at giving up the weed took a bit of a blow when temptress Lilian gave her a packet of fags, with the rather convoluted logic that, if Jolene has ciggies available when she feels the craving, then she won't want to smoke. Is Lilian descended from the Garden of Eden serpent, we ask ourselves?

Later on in the week, Jolene goes into the village shop to ask for ciggies and Lynda refuses to serve her, on Kenton's orders. This seems a novel approach to business – stocking a product and only selling it to selected customers, but perhaps things are so good at the shop that they can afford to turn away business. I'm surprised that Kenton hasn't tied Jolene hand and foot and parked her in the pub cellar while she goes Cold Turkey.

Jolene's temper is not improved by Jamie's behaviour – out on the lash until 5am, missing his shifts at the Bull (shifts that he was desperate to have, don't forget) and not sleeping at the pub or at Kathy's for two nights. What an opportunity missed! Jolene and Kathy could both have had the locks changed while he was AWOL – that would have sorted the moody little sod out. Failing that, playing brass band music at high volume outside his door when he's trying to catch up on his sleep would have been fun. Jolene is not impressed and makes him promise to toe the line (ha!). She should have asked him for his £10 keep.

Meanwhile, Jolene is packing for Monte Carlo – a small bag of clothes and no doubt a suitcase each of fags, nicotine patches and extra-strong mints, while Kenton is just taking the handcuffs along.

From the Weed to weeds – if you aren't a gardener, then Tuesday's episode wasn't for you, as we had the recording of Gardeners' Question Time. Joe tried to stop Vicky asking her question about propagating mistletoe by locking her out of the hall and saying that the door had stuck. A resourceful Vicky climbed in through the kitchen window and asked her question, which revealed that Joe's mistletoe propagation service was a load of tosh.

How come Joe isn't regularly tarred and feathered and left on the village green? He's always trying something on and it never works. Why didn't all the people who had paid good money for his dubious services frogmarch him down to the village pond and chuck him in? That would have shown the GQT team how seriously the people of Ambridge take their gardening and perhaps made Joe lay off the scams for a while.

Joe was at it again at the Book Club, having seen the wrong DVD and not having read the book, while steadily working his way through Jim Lloyd's wine rack and hoovering up the food. Down to the duckpond again, says I! In fact, it could become a daily or weekly ritual and one of which I would heartily approve.

After the GQT recording, Vicky has another foot-in-gob moment when she mentions to Lynda that Roy will be leaving Grey Gables. Lynda immediately updates her CV and stalks Caroline to let her know of her interest in taking over from Roy. Tough luck, Lynda! Caroline has decided to do it herself because thinking of the challenges gave her a buzz. Not good news for Oliver, who had been hoping that the buzz would come from travelling the world together now he's retired. "I'm not ready for retirement yet" says a newly-energised Caroline, tactfully not adding "unlike you, you old git".

Peggy seems to have come round to Elona's point of view that having a cup of tea with Ted is not just one step away from adultery. She even agrees to go along to the talk he's putting together for his U3A meeting. Good for you, Peggy – get in there!

A storyline that fails to have me riveted is "the mystery of the falling milk yields". Yes – milk yields at Brookfield are way down on what they should be and David is at a loss to explain it. So worried is he that he isn't really listening to his mother banging on about being inspired after the GQT session.

Jill then goes to talk to Shula. For a mother, she has a low opinion of her children sometimes; particularly Kenton, as she wonders to Shula whether Jolene's current stress might be Kenton-related. Let's see – Jolene is having to deal with a teenager who doesn't come in till the early hours of the morning (or sometimes stays away all night) and, when he does deign to make an appearance, he looks like death warmed up and munches aspirins like sweeties. On top of this, she hasn't had her usual quota of nicotine for a number of days and is having Kathy be nice to her – I would submit that that's more than enough stress to be going on with.

Like Father, Like Son

Rui Thacker (George Grundy)

Last week I pointed out what a miserable git William is and it seems as though it is genetic, as George is definitely unhappy about his new sister, who is called Keira Susan, by the way. George wants her to be taken back to the Hospital and asks Will if he can come and live with him. Dear God! Just how bad would things have to be for you to want to live full time with Will, with his whiny voice and gigantic chip on his shoulder? I'm still gobsmacked whenever I realise that Nic is still with him, but I have decided that she has got to be a masochist.

"You'll like her better when she's bigger" Will tells George (unlikely, with you constantly dripping poison in his ear) to which George replies "Did you like Uncle Ed more when he got bigger?" Good question, George! Clarrie stops Will going round to sort things out by saying that she'll have a word with Ed. Ed isn't impressed that Clarrie is listening to Will's side of the story, but Clarrie suggests that perhaps they are neglecting George a little and should treat him more like a grown up. Good idea – get him to start cleaning cars by hand.

Roy dropped his bombshell to Caroline about leaving Grey Gables. She took it quite well, apart from saying "Damn and Blast!" when he'd left the room. Her suggestion to Oliver that she take on more of Roy's duties went down like a pair of lead knickers – just as Ollie was looking forward to spending more time together, Caroline will possibly be working later. They agree to a six-month trial period.

Elizabeth and Shula both went to see Caroline (I thought she was supposed to be busy?) and it was all very civilised and polite when Lizzie explained why she'd poached Roy, although I bet Caroline's teeth were firmly gritted.

Less polite was Jill, who was in fact quite crabby. When Lizzie says she is feeling guilty about tapping Roy up, Jill says "pity he couldn't make it for Easter." Sod you Caroline! Jill then goes on to moan about how everyone wants to bake a cake to give to the GQT team and she, as nominal head of the catering committee, is being ignored. She then criticises Kenton for taking Jolene away for Easter, saying that it was typically thoughtless of him. Lizzie defends her brother, however, telling Jill that Kenton timed it deliberately because Easter was when Jolene and Sid used to do so much. That's another thing – how the hell can Kenton afford to travel at peak season and to go to Monte Carlo? The bar management business must pay better than I thought.

Kenton persuades Jolene to give up smoking and she lasts almost two days before bumming a few drags off a customer; it's going to be a long, hard slog, I feel and she should realise that all the peppermints in the world won't disguise the fact if she should succumb again.

Talk of Jolene brings us inevitably, albeit reluctantly, to the subject of Jamie. Kathy gives her permission for him to work at the Bull on condition that a) he pays Jolene £10 a week towards his keep and b) if Kathy gets any more reports about him bunking off school, she will rescind her permission. Jamie is as ungrateful as ever and his mood isn't improved when Jolene tells him he hasn't moved into the Bull permanently and he'd be better off at home. He says "no", but maybe he'll come to realise that at least Kathy wouldn't take a tenner a week off him.

Kathy also apologises to Jolene for the things she said when they last met and the atmosphere between them is, if not cordial, then at least in a state of armed neutrality. As the week drags on, Jamie makes no attempt to contact Kathy and Fallon tells her that she (Fallon) will keep Kathy informed and she knows what he's going through. "I didn't speak to my Dad for three years" says Fallon. As her Dad is Wayne, I expected her to add "and they were the happiest three years of my life" but she didn't.

From the younger generation to the old – Peggy goes to the Laurels to visit Jack and runs into Ted, who asks her to have tea and cakes with him, but she's not keen. Elona, the Eastern European care assistant, talks to Ted about it and he says that he must be the problem, as Peggy doesn't want to talk to him as before. However, it seems that Elona has a cunning plan, as she says to Ted "Don't give up trying Ted – not yet." Are we to see a rekindling of tender feelings – a renewed wrinkly romance? Who knows; you know what they say - there might be snow on the roof…

Mothers To The Fore

Dan Ciotkowski (Jamie Perks)

Mothers were much in evidence in last week's episodes. Jamie spent the night at the Bull and, on Sunday morning, Jolene reminds him that it's Mother's Day. He is horrified because he hasn't bought her anything, but she was thinking of Kathy, which is more than Jamie was. He's only been away one night and he's forgotten her already.

Actually, he does go home, but only to pick up some stuff and have the obligatory row with Kathy. "The only person you think about is yourself" he yells at her, before storming out (again). Kathy bursts into tears. Happy Mother's Day Kathy!

Kathy does have some friends, though. Well, to be more exact, she has Pat, and she tells Pat all her troubles. Pat wonders why she hadn't told her before. Because you were mooning over bloody Henry all the time woman, that's why. Kathy shows a rare flash of self-awareness when, banging on yet again about how Jamie is throwing his life away (if only!) she says "I know I sound like a broken record…" How perceptive!

Anyway, Jolene wonders to Kenton whether she has done the right thing by letting Jamie stay and turns down Kenton's offer to talk to him. Pity really, as Jamie would probably have left Ambridge. She also lays down some ground rules for Jamie (like "come home occasionally") and reminds him that it's not a hotel. Jamie wants to work at the Bull, but Jolene says that he will need his mother's permission. Jamie asks Kathy who, in a superb moment of calculated cruelty, says that she will think about it over the weekend. Suck on that Jamie! Bet you wish now you'd bought that Mother's Day card!

Clarrie spent Mother's Day at Will and Nic's, while Eddie and Joe's latest attempt to get out of the Lenten cheese sandwich lunch saw them having a three-course meal, with cheese and coffee, at Jim's. Their delight at having a decent lunch is spoiled somewhat when Jim presents them with a bill for £10 each. They accuse Clarrie of taking part in a mean trick, but they are distracted when Clarrie tells them that Jolene and Kenton are an item (Kathy told her). Poor Eddie has always fancied Jolene and is distraught – "What does she see in him?" he wails. Offhand? He's funny, reasonably bright, doesn't keep trying stupid scams, doesn't smell of cows and compost, doesn't make his own alcohol and knows how to use a tea towel. I could go on, but that will do for starters.

An absent mother is Jennifer, who, we are told, is enjoying herself in Johannesburg. Which is more than stand-in mother Brian is doing with Ruari. "He never stops" Brian tells Lilian. He's almost at the end of his tether and he's only got Ruari for a week before he packs him off to his Irish relatives. In desperation, Brian asks Lilian to pick Ruari up, but she tells him to do one, so he ends up asking Will to pick him up and take him to George's birthday party.

There is a new character at the party, as Emma has had her second child – a girl. At the birth, the midwife suggests that Ed take Emma's mind off the pain by telling them about his day. Five minutes later, Emma and midwife are comatose and the baby has decided to stay where it is.

Eventually Emma gives birth to a baby girl and Ed immediately goes into mega-soppy mode – it's bloody Henry all over again. "It's the best day of my life" Ed tells Emma. Grandmothers Susan and Clarrie are equally smitten but they haven't been told the new arrival's name and the week ends with none of us knowing. God, the suspense – I haven't been this wound up since Bert Fry's ploughing competition!

The baby comes home on George's birthday and William demonstrates exactly what a charmless nurk he is by telling Nic that Ed arranged things deliberately so that the baby was born close to George's birthday. Being as ungracious as only he knows how, Will further complains because a lot of George's presents are at Ed and Emma's and he tells Nic that "Emma had better ring from hospital before George goes to school". Nic (who is way too good for Will) points out that Emma has probably got other things on her mind right now and probably wonders if she is living in an episode of "Grumpy Old Men", or in this case "Grumpy Young Gamekeeper".

With the best will (no pun intended) in the world, William is a misanthropic, 100% miserable git – and that's on a good day. It seems that George might be a chip off the old block, as he is very unhappy that Mia won the Musical Chairs at his party. "It's my party – I should win" he says petulantly, while shoving her. When you're older, George, have a talk with Jamie about how unfair life is.

Ed and Emma try to get George to be a bit nicer, but Will – who I suspect will not be asked to be Godfather to the new baby – immediately reads something sinister into this, saying that this is the shape of things to come and the new baby will take precedence. Moans Will: "If those two are going to make George feel left out, I'll have something to say about it." Good Lord! Surely not?

You Try And Do A Friend A Favour…

Sara Coward (Caroline Sterling)

And what do you get? You get shafted, that's what. Consider; Caroline has lent Elizabeth Roy for a couple of weeks and he is proving invaluable, while the staffing at Grey Gables is going to Hell in a handcart. How does Lizzie repay this kindness? By offering Roy a job, that's how – and if you wouldn't mind just standing still, Caroline, while she plants this dagger in your back…

Roy has feelings of loyalty towards Caroline, but Hayley thinks it's a great idea and this polarisation of opinion is reflected when Shula and David discuss it. Shula is horrified that Lizzie could treat Caroline so badly (the word 'Judas' wasn't actually used, but it was touch and go) while David is all for it and, when Shula asks "but is it ethical?" he goes off on one.

Mind you, David is a bit miffed because he still can't let go of the idea that he is being helpful to Elizabeth by turning up like a spare part. "Is there anything I can do?" he asks Roy when he fetches up at Lower Loxley yet again, mooning around like a lovesick calf. "No" says SuperRoy, refraining to add "so why don't you sod off back to Brookfield and look after your own business?"

At Brookfield, four cows have been sent for slaughter and Ruth is at the end of her tether, because her new cleaner is specifying special polish and brings in her own equipment. Ruth longs for the days when Emma used to rearrange the dirt in little piles and her idea of dusting was to walk into a room and vaguely wave a cloth about for a few seconds.

We had the inquest on Nigel and the verdict was "accidental death", although I'm surprised the Coroner didn't add "overacting" because of the duration of Nigel's final scream. In what sounded like the triumph of hope over experience, Ruth told David that "this has to be an end to it – it's over." Ha! She wishes! Although to be fair, David did wait until the next day before going over to Lower Loxley again.

Kenton and Jolene's relationship moved on to the next level (or should that be 'the next horizontal'?) as he said that, when Jolene was ready 'to move things on' just say so. As he is leaving, Jolene says "I'm ready" and you can imagine Kenton swinging round, clearing the sideboard of ornaments and leaving the smell of a melted zip in the air. It must have been worth it, as two days later, Kenton has booked them a three-night stay in Monte Carlo.

Unfortunately, every silver lining has its cloud and the snake in this particular Eden goes by the name of Kathy. Jamie has gone along to the Bull, as Kathy is working late, and Jolene invites him to stay for tea. Kathy comes home early and rings him. When she finds out where he is, she says "stay there, I'm coming to get you" and storms into the pub, telling Jamie to go and sit in the car while she has words with Jolene. All Kathy's frustrations pour out as she accuses Jolene of tempting Jamie away as well as throwing herself at Kenton. Jamie, she says, will never come back to the Bull as "I don't want my son around someone with the morals of an alley cat."

Alley cat she might be, Kathy, but Kenton never took you to Monte Carlo, did he?

It seems that Jamie prefers alley cats too, as he tells Kathy he's going back to the Bull that very night and he's staying there. In what might be termed a 'full and frank exchange of views', Jamie tells his mother "Dad preferred being with Jolene, Kenton prefers being with Jolene and so do I." Come on Jamie, no need to hold back – tell it like it is. Jamie storms out and the week ends with Kathy leaving a tearful message on Jamie's voicemail, asking for forgiveness and begging him to ring her. Had it been anyone else – with some obvious exceptions, such as Kate – it would have been quite touching, but I'm sorry Kathy; you just don't know when to stop pushing and you deserve all you get.

On a lighter note, the Grundy's plans to cook Sunday lunch descended into farce as Clarrie came home early. Kathy and Jamie (this was before the split) watched them running around outside with plates of food and dirty pans and Jamie gave us a glimpse of the relentless tedium of his life and the emptiness of his soul, when he said "The Grundys are the best thing about living in Ambridge." We only have three Sundays left in Lent for this story to limp along and next week we are promised that Jim will come up with a plan in which Joe and Eddie get their comeuppance.

It appears that Ambridge can say 'goodbye' to two flighty residents, as Lynda has found two Peregrine Falcon's eggs on the path and is very afraid that they have moved on. They'll never get a speaking part now.

Better news – after the visit of the Duchess of Cornwall, there looks set to be another landmark visit, as Gardeners' Question Time might be visiting Ambridge! Jim has been instrumental insetting this up, but I'm worried about his capability, as the man obviously doesn't know what day it is. Consider; on Monday, Jim tells Lynda that his choice for the Book Club is Ovid's Metamorphoses. On Friday, he reveals that it was an April Fool's joke. Er, Jim, the date on Monday was 28th March. What are we to expect next – on Christmas Day will he pour petrol over the pudding instead of brandy, lighting it with a cry of "April Fool!"?