A Bit Of A Let-Down

Sunday was the night of Rooooth's 50th birthday party (it was also Usha's birthday, but nobody seemed to care much about that). Everybody agreed that Jennifer had done a wonderful job of organising the event, with the floral columns and a jazz quintet playing in the background. Personally, I thought that the Red Arrows' fly-past, the marching band of the Grenadier Guards and personal appearances from Prince Harry and Meghan were a bit over the top, but what do I know?

 

Something that everyone agreed was a big hit was Kenton's surprise to liven things up. What was it? A bouncy castle for grown-ups, which was enthusiastically tried out by David and Kate, amongst others. In fact, as we shall see later, Kate gave it a really thorough test.

 

Kenton was a tad annoyed, as it turned out that someone had made a hole in the castle, which it will cost him to put right. Never mind; Monday night is England's first game in the World Cup and Kenton has a packed bar, all waiting for the match to be screened. Except the big TV refuses to work and nobody can put it right. PCB suggests that they all come over to his (I bet Fallon was thrilled) and the bar empties, leaving a disconsolate Kenton alone, muttering "This day is going from bad to worse." Cheer up Kenton – at least England won.

 

On the night of the party, Toby has volunteered to drive Jill home, but he has disappeared. On Wednesday, Rex finds him on the phone, apologising to Pip for forgetting. He also says that he is too busy to see her right now. Rex asks why is he avoiding Pip and Toby is evasive. Rex, who obviously knows his brother very well, says "OK, what have you done?" Toby says he will tell him, but he must promise to keep shtum. Annoyingly, the action switches to somewhere else and we don't learn the secret.

 

At least, not until later, when there is a crowd of people in the pub. They are discussing Eddie's idea of holding a sweepstake to guess the name of Pip and Toby's baby and Kate is there, telling everyone how important it is to choose the right name and explaining the significance of Phoebe's Christian names (I thought she said the middle names were Moondancer Fairydust, but I admit my attention was wandering). Anyway, Kate also tells everybody that keeping secrets is poisonousand that is why she'd like it to be known that she and Toby had sex together the night of the party and, in addition, it was they who caused the deflation of the bouncy castle. Kate airily explains that it meant nothing ("Thanks" Toby mutters) and she hopes Pip doesn't mind. Pip says that Toby is a free agent. "Good" says Kate and goes off to tell Kenton about the bouncy castle.

 

Pip then demonstrates that, despite what she said, she does mind. "How dare you?" she yells at Toby. He says he's sorry; it was stupid and selfish but he's put all that behind him and now he is a changed man. Pip is all set to give him a piece of her mind, but she is interrupted by Kate returning, at a loss to understand why Kenton is so livid about her confession about damaging the castle (Kate had been wearing killer heels the night of the party). Light dawns on Pip: "Is that when you…? How is that even possible…?" Kate begins to tell her, but Pip says "No – I don't want to know!"

 

I'm sorry, but I cannot believe that someone of the age of forty could be so insensitive to other people's feelings; not even Kate. She leaves the pub and returns to Home Farm, where she has a moan to Alice about how her business at Spiritual Home has been decimated and Alice tells her that Brian has intimated that there could be a job for Alice at Home Farm in the future (assuming there's anything left of it by then). This is exactly what Kate doesn't want to hear – "no-one has offered me a job" (are you surprised?) and "once again I've been left out – nobody takes me seriously." It's all that shagging on a large inflatable, wearing six-inch heels, I reckon. If Kate is expecting sympathy, she is disappointed, as Alice becomes the latest to have a go at her, suggesting that Kate takes a long, hard look at herself. "You need to grow up," Alice tells her sister, adding: "otherwise you are going to find yourself very sad and very alone."

 

Someone who does seem to care about Kate is Phoebe, who, when her mother pours out her woes to her, saying that her business is dying and there's nothing she can do, tries to be positive, saying that Kate has so many good ideas and has so much to offer (I'll say – just ask Toby). Phoebe tells her mother to "stop sulking and start fighting".

 

Later on, Phoebe confides in Jennifer how worried she is about Kate – she seems so unhappy. Jenny is more worried about the effect all this is having on Phoebe, but her granddaughter says that Jenny ought to be concerned about Kate, not her. Eventually, Jenny says that it would be a pity if Spiritual Home folded, as it's one of Kate's major achievements. Sorry? 'One of?' Go on, name me another that isn't Phoebe. Jennifer is now completely onside with operation cheer-Kate-up, saying "It won't be easy, but if anyone can pull Kate out of this spiral, it's got to be us."

 

However, help is at hand – Usha has been given a voucher for hot stones treatment at Spiritual Home and turns up on Friday. Kate launches into a monologue about how everyone is against her and how they want to destroy her business, to the extent that she forgets what she is doing and is interrupted by Usha's cries of pain because the stones are way too hot or when Kate absent-mindedly knots Usha's legs behind her head. Kate apologises and offers Usha a complimentary head massage. Usha decides to risk it and, halfway through she tells Kate that she may have a point; it's not Usha's area of expertise, but the family partnership sounds odd to her and she suggests that Kate has a word with one of her colleagues. The thought that she might have a legal case puts new life into Kate and she is elated. "I'm damned if I'm giving up Spiritual Home without a fight – the family have been banking on it, but there's no way I'm going to let them destroy me!" Upon which, she triumphantly rips Usha's remaining hair from her head.

 

But enough about Kate. The 'pets talent contest' theme of the Fete is getting on my nerves already, with Lynda telling Lilian that she is going to teach Monty to count up to ten. Lynda is disparaging about Ruby's lack of talent, to the extent that Lilian is stung into saying that she will enter Ruby – it's just a question of which of her many talents to showcase. I suggest reading Proust in the original French. We learn that others are going to enter too – Nathan Booth is having a ventriloquism act with his bearded dragon, while Joe is having a hard time doing something – thankfully unspecified – with Daphne the ferret. Don't tell anyone, but I am entering my pet as an impressionist – Twiggy the stick insect does a blinding impression of a bit of wood.

 

Over at St Stephen's, Neil is worried. Apparently there is a nationwide bell ringing extravaganza planned for Armistice Day to mark the 100thanniversary of the end of World War I and Neil is short of ringers. He butters up son Chris (who is a ringer too) to try and get some young blood on to the team and Chris muses about how is he supposed to make bell ringing sound cool or sexy? Well, I've been looking at a glossary of ringing terms (the things I do for you and this blog) and I came across 'Handstroke – a cycle of movement that's started by pulling on the sally' and the 'tail end, which is pulled at the backstroke.' Surely any red-blooded youngster would find these intriguing enough to investigate further?

 

Chris is approached by PCB, who wants to make sure that he can stay at Chris's on the eve of the wedding. Chris says 'of course' and PCB asks what can he do to thank him? Funny you should ask, Harrison, as Chris ropes him in for bell ringing. "How hard can it be?" asks PCB. The answer to this is 'bloody hard' as Neil lets it be known that there will be no larking about in his tower and Harrison had better listen to what he's told and concentrate on what he's doing and not to touch anything without permission. Neil's still telling PCB what to do when the ringers go to the pub afterwards to celebrate Chris's 30th birthday, preparatory to hitting the clubs of Felpersham (isn't 30 a bit old to go clubbing?). Harrison takes Chris to one side and tells him that he has been racking his brains over his choice of Best Man "and all this time, the answer's been staring me in the face." Chris proves that he's not the quickest on the uptake when he says "your brother?" upon which PCB gets down on one knee and asks Chris to be his Best Man. The penny drops and Chris agrees. Good lad.

 

Will is being driven mad by Martyn Gibson's micro-managing of him, wanting to know how everything is done and in the minutest detail. Will is still pursuing his claim for custody of the children and has an appointment with a solicitor. Disaster! Jenny rings up – a number of birds have got loose and are wandering around the lanes. Will has to go and catch them and, as a result, he misses the solicitor's appointment (don't worry Will, they'll probably still charge you for it). Eddie is secretly pleased, as he thinks that the custody claim will just result in bad blood between Will and Andrew. Hopefully this will give Will time to come to his senses. Want to bet?

 

Let's end this week with Rex. Anisha has been away and, at Rooooth's party, there was a girl (called Xanthi, which made me wonder if she had been named by Kate. However, I reckon she was conceived in northern Greece. Either that or her parents were big fans of the enzyme xanthine oxidoreductase) who was all over Rex like a rash. Josh teases Rex about it and tells him that Pip thinks Xanthi is in love with him and has he told Anisha about what happened? Rex says that nothing happened – he told Xanthi he was spoken for. As it happens, he hasn't told Nish, but he will, later. In passing, Josh says that he thought Rex had a thing about Pip. This touches a nerve and Rex quickly says that they are just mates.

 

True to his word, Rex mentions the Xanthi incident (or, rather, the lack of it) to Anisha and she is completely unfazed. In fact, she couldn't really give a toss, but she can understand it, as Rex isn't bad looking. You might think that this would be a weight off Rex's mind and he should be flattered that Anisha trusts him so completely, but perverse are the ways of men – he keeps asking her if she's sure she's OK with it and, when Anisha replies that she cannot take it seriously, Rex seems disappointed that she isn't even the tiniest bit jealous. Count your blessings, Rex and don't do anything stupid – you're not Toby, after all.

 

Should’ve Read The Small Print, Kate

Perdita Avery (Kate Madikane)

The week started - saints be praised - with Kate definitely awol after flouncing out (Adam’s description, not mine, but I’m with him 100%) after learning that the latest Home Farm Land Fire Sale will mean lorries passing very close to Spiritual Home and, quite frankly, buggering up the Chakra or something equally mystical.

Jennifer is distraught - where can her daughter be? Brian doesn’t give a toss and Adam made the ‘flouncing out’ comment. Jennifer points out that Kate knows the history of the contamination and, if she were to blab, it could be embarrassing, to say the least. Also, Phoebe is coming home this weekend and how will she feel if her mother isn’t there? Far be it for me to second guess Phoebe’s feelings, but I reckon she would be doing handsprings and running around doing fist pumps and shouting “Yes, Yes! Yes!!”

However, we will never know, as Kate returns at the end of the week (do you think that the scriptwriters deliberately try to mess up our weekends?) to be met by Brian saying “So, you’re back” in a bored voice. But wait! Kate has momentous news - she is going to sell her share in the family partnership and move away to the Kent coast to set up a new Spiritual Home. Way to go! Thank you God!

Hardly had I poured the champagne when Brian peed in it (metaphorically) by saying that it’s not as simple as selling her share for cash. Firstly, the other partners have to agree (Kate assumed they would buy her out) and, secondly, any payment would be made over ten years at a very low rate of interest. Oh yes; Kate would also be giving up income from the farm in the interim. Kate doesn’t understand (surely not?) and Brian twists the knife a little by saying that the idea of setting up somewhere else is laughable. 

“But that’s not fair” Kate protests, to which Brian says “Not fair? This isn’t nursery darling; haven’t you understood any of this? I thought you were a businesswoman.” Kate replies that there was so much small print, she couldn’t understand it all and her father doesn’t make it any easier when he tells her “That’s what you signed, I’m afraid. I can only suggest that you read contracts more carefully before you make any more ludicrous plans. We all have to make sacrifices in this life Kate, and I’m afraid this is yours.”

While we applaud Brian for stitching up his daughter tighter than a mailbag and seemingly enjoying it as much as I did, there is a downside. Let’s assume that she had sold her share and moved to Kent (or, preferably, Kathmandu) then she would have been gone. Now, however, she will be hanging around, more miserable and chip-on-the-shoulder than ever, plus Jenny was quite right - when it comes to the contamination, she knows where the blame lies. Wouldn’t it have been better to slip her a few quid and a one-way ticket to the Kent coast? If not for Home Farm’s sake, then for the sake of millions of listeners.

But let’s move on to happier topics. Ed is entering his Texel ram into a show on Friday and he is concerned that the name of the beast - Peppa Pig (courtesy of Poppy) will make him a laughing stock. Indeed, this is the case and he is very miserable on the day, telling Emma that the other farmers laughed at the name “and even the officials were grinning.” He vows never to enter the lamb again, but is cheered when he speaks to a Texel breeder afterwards (Peppa Pig came a creditable fourth - he is really a few months too young for this type of contest) and the breeder offers Ed £4,000. Ed didn’t accept, but it definitely bodes well for the future and stuff the stupid name.

Emma has other things to worry about; she and Kirsty have been picked to act as Fallon’s bridesmaids and what should she wear. My experience of being a bridesmaid is minimal - nay, non-existent - but I always thought that the bride decided what colours would be worn by her attendants. 

Meanwhile, Fallon is preoccupied with details of the 100% natural, no-plastic-whatsoever wedding (that’s knackered the party poppers for a start) and she runs into Lynda, who is trying valiantly - but unsuccessfully - to control Monty. Fallon says that she has important things on her mind and Lynda agrees - she must be thinking about the fete? There should be an over-arching, unifying theme; this is what sets Ambridge fetes apart from those of other villages (apart from the fact that the other villages enjoy their fetes, I would suggest). This discussion takes place after an encounter between Fallon and Lynda/Monty and Lilian/Ruby, with much barking and snarling. And the dogs weren’t much better behaved either.

Fallon eventually reveals that she has a great idea for the fete - a dog show. Lynda is ecstatic, and even more so when Fallon goes further - not just a dog show, but a talent show for pets - Lynda says that some dog owners get very competitive (“Not me of course”) and we sit back and wait for the probable chaos that will ensue. How many dogs are there in Ambridge?

I return to a wearingly familiar theme throughout the eight years (what? Can it really be that long?) of this blog and that is the inability of anyone in Ambridge to keep their gob shut and not give away a secret. Lizzie is convinced that daughter Lily is involved in a lesbian relationship with the non-existent Meredith and, as far as Liz is concerned she is cool with this - after all, she is Lily’s mother and should support her, whatever her decision. “That’s what mothers are for” Lizzie tells her mother Jill, on a rare visit. Jill has teased (or, some might say, battered) the reason out of her daughter. Lizzie first of all implied that there was some mystery concerning Lily, but she couldn’t possibly say what. Jill then proceeded to beat her over the head until she spilled the beans and it was then that Liz uttered the news that Lily is gay and the ‘that’s what mothers are for’ sentence.

Let’s park that for a moment and examine the relationship between Alistair and Shula. It is their first mediation meeting (Lance is the mediator) and Shula is surprised when Philip turns up to take him to the meeting. She had assumed that they would go together, but Alistair said that he thought it better that they kept these things separate. He didn‘t actually say ‘Don’t you agree, Mrs Hebden-Lloyd?’ but that was the tone.

Alistair seems to have got over the impending divorce better than his wife, but he also seems to have a unique perception of the term ‘mediation’. While Shula bangs on about emotions and feelings and suchlike, Alistair has folders full of financial affairs and how the marriage should be split up, financially. Afterwards, Shula says that you can’t just dismantle a marriage in a few hours, to which Alistair replies “Why not? You ended it in five minutes.” Match point to Mr Lloyd (or is it Hebden Lloyd?) I think.

Jill, prompted no doubt by Elizabeth’s comments about what a mother is for, goes to see Shula and says that she has neglected her. Shula breaks down in tears and tells her how clinical Alistair was at mediation. Alistair, incidentally, has his eye on an executive apartment in Felpersham, so he is taking it all rather well. Jill tells Shula that she will always be her mother and will always support her and the two hug and Shula bursts into tears again.

Let’s tie up a few loose ends; Rooooth’s 50^thbirthday is imminent (sorry, it will be over by the time you read this) and David has - rather unwisely - left the organisation in the hands of Jennifer. Delighted to have something other than the contamination to exercise her mind, Jennifer hasn’t held back. While Rooooth would have preferred the disco that someone had at a recent party, Jen has booked a string quintet and, as she tells David, the chandeliers and flower pedestals will be supplied at cost price. Be honest, Rooooth would prefer a packet of crisps and an early night.

Another loose end; has Christine got dementia or not? Peggy feels that she couldn’t cope with that again, after what she suffered with Jack. But hey! Good news! Chris is just suffering with a urinary tract infection, which can be treated, although Chris isn’t too thrilled with the diagnosis. Still, better that than dementia.

Finally, Freddie is delighted as he faces his final exam - history. After this morning he will never have to face another exam, ever. He travels into college with Johnny (being driven by David) and David is the first to notice the police cars outside the college and a sniffer dog. Freddie is loath to enter the building - especially when he sees Ellis being questioned by a couple of PCs (“Serves the scumbag right” says Johnny, still mindful of the brick through the window incident) but it takes a long time before Freddie goes into the building.

Freddie emerges from the exam, all ready to party after his final, ever, exam. Then his phone rings - it’s Adam; can Freddie start work in the poly tunnels tomorrow? Freddie says that he expects to be fairly wrecked in the morning after a night’s celebrations, but he’ll be there when he can. Unexpectedly, Ellis turns up and Freddie expresses surprise that the coppers let him go. Ellis says that the sniffer dog went mad, but Ellis isn’t so stupid as to carry drugs with him, so they had to let him go. He tells Freddie that there are lots of new markets that they can corner, “We’re gonna have the best summer ever. How about it Fred - you’re not gonna let me down, are you?” I am very afraid that Freddie will forget his promise to Noluthando not to deal drugs and, what with that, and Lily’s phantom lesbian affair with the non-existent Meredith, and real affair with Vice Principal Russ, it could prove to be an exceptionally interesting summer for the twins’ mother Elizabeth.

Ich Bin Nicht Lesbisch

Alison Dowling (Elizabeth Pargetter)

Elizabeth’s driving Freddie in to school for his geography exam and she’s giving him the third degree about whether he’s revised enough, slept enough, and whether his sister’s done the same. Freddie sticks up for Lily and goes along with her cover story of revising with someone called Meredith, and not bonking the deputy principle. He phones Lily to warn her but she doesn’t sound concerned, but it doesn’t take Elizabeth long to jump to the conclusion that the reason her daughter wants to spend so much time with Meredith is that they’re in a relationship, which Freddie finds hilarious. She later quizzes Jennifer about how she found out about Adam’s sexuality – was it a surprise when he come out or had she already guessed? Jennifer doesn’t ask why she wants to know and doesn’t seem to twig that she might be wondering about one of her children.

After his exam Freddie ‘helps’ Lily with her German revision by testing her vocabulary, and chucks in the phrase ‘eine lesba’. She’s horrified that her mother thinks that she’s a lesbian, but Freddie jokes that it’s the perfect cover as Elizabeth won’t want to intrude. However, no-one Elizabeth knows has heard of Meredith, and Christine and Jim saw Lily with Russ at an art exhibition when she should have been revising. Lily tries to convince her ‘Auntie Chris’ that it wasn’t her and then Christine reasons that it wasn’t as it looked more like a Father and Daughter together! Lily gets embarrassed and makes her excuses when Elizabeth starts talking about how friendships can develop into something more. Later on in the Bull they’re celebrating what would have been Nigel’s birthday, and Freddie keeps the torment going when they reminisce about the gay couple that often used to stay at Lower Loxley. Elizabeth says the business has always been inclusive of the LGBTQ community (the Q standing for Questioning) and Freddie goes on to talk about different kinds of relationships. It’s too much for Lily who shouts loudly for the bill.

Back at the house Elizabeth has a quiet word with her daughter about relationships and how she would support her whatever path she decided to take. Lily finds it excruciating of course, with Freddie giggling behind the door, and Elizabeth tells Lily that her ‘relationship’ with Meredith is fine. She also unwittingly warns her about the perils of getting involved with older men when she talks about her own past relationships. For her part, Lily is happy to let her mother believe that her and Meredith are an item.

Christine’s main storyline is does she or does she not have dementia. She pops over to the stables to collect some old paperwork and Harrison happens to be passing so gives her a lift home, which gives him a chance to make sure she’s alright after last week’s tea-room incident. Later on he confides in Peggy that she seems a bit confused lately, which gives Peggy food for thought, literally, when they’re sharing one of Christine’s quiches. I was expecting her to have left out the eggs, or the pastry, but no, Peggy is complimentary but asks her unsubtle questions about whether she can remember recent events. Chris catches on straight away and is greatly put out that people are openly questioning whether she’s ‘gaga’ or not.

Someone else who has been upset about people’s speculation about them is Alistair, who actually seems to be having a civilised evening with Shula. By coincidence they were both planning to have lasagne and garlic bread for dinner, so Shula offers to cook for them both. They’re having a nice evening, laughing about goat yoga and sharing a bottle of wine, before Shula goes and spoils it by implying she’s having second thoughts about seeking a divorce. Alistair checks, and no, she still doesn’t love him, which causes him to storm out.

Over to the organised chaos that living in Greenwood Cottage is at the moment, and Mia’s suddenly lost interest in playing football. She’s also started to struggle at school and one explanation could be that Poppy’s been sneaking into Mia’s room at night and keeping her awake so is tired all the time, but both Will and Emma have tried talking to her but are getting nowhere. She says she hates football (me too) but can it be that straightforward? Emma and Kirsty think the kid’s got too much on her plate and might be trying to take Nic’s place. I hope the village rota that’s supporting the Grundy’s holds up – that family need a break and I’d hate for any more misfortune to head their way.

Someone I’m happy to see misfortune make a beeline for is Brian Aldridge, and over at Home Farm they’re meeting about the Environment Agency’s latest bombshell. As we predicted last week they’re talking about selling more land, another 300 acres, but this time it will be ‘family’ land, not the recent acquisitions. They identify a parcel of 200 acres and another of 70, but need another 30 acres. The only practical solution won’t be a popular one, as it’s right next to Spiritual Home – and as usual Brian’s putting off delivering the bad news – this time to Kate. She’s been in Arizona learning about the aforementioned goat yoga and also something called ‘healing haircuts’, and Jenny explains about the contaminated groundwater on the way back from picking her up at the airport, but nothing more. Kate still thinks her biggest problem is the drop in business caused by the association with Home Farm’s contaminated land. 

That is until she takes Adam’s flask up to him in the polytunnels and they start talking about the sell off – and the small parcel of 30 acres in particular. Kate’s furious, to put it mildly, that it’s the fields that surround her yurts and goes straight to Brian, only to find out that he’s already shaken on the deal. Brian thinks that she’ll come round to the idea, but I suspect from the tone in Kate’s voice that the contamination will be a distant memory before that happens. And there’s another problemette waiting in the wings – access. Whoever’s going to farm the land will need to get their tractors to it and that would mean crossing Home Farm land. What’s the betting that Spiritual Home itself will be sacrificed and we’ll find Kate chained to a yurt as a bulldozer looms over her?

Friend Of The Earth Fallon

Joanna van Kampen (Fallon Rogers)

I approach this week’s blog with trepidation, as along with a number of our regular correspondents, I feel that the story lines are getting rather weak – with Lily’s affair with the deputy principle, the current nadir. The affair is still going strong, even to the point of Lily interrupting her revision time to go out with him. It might develop into a more interesting story though, as Russ has told the police about drug dealing on the premises. Lily thinks it’s an opportunity to get rid of Ellis but I can’t help thinking Russ wants to get Freddie out of the picture instead, and he’s going to take Lily abroad while it happens.

Fallon’s new bugbear might sink to new depths though, as she’s gone all ‘blue planet’ after the quantity of plastics discarded by the last party they catered for which, incidentally, they supplied all the single-use plastic for. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m appalled by all the plastic in circulation and the collective inability of governments the world over to do anything about it, but come on scriptwriters, you’re lagging behind the trends. Adam agonising over the composition of his strawberry punnets would be marginally more interesting, but this? Harrison demonstrates the size of the challenge and Fallon’s naivety when he points out that the gum she’s chewing is itself made of plastic.

Shula and Alistair are both going to be at the single wicket this afternoon. They both enjoy the competition so agree to make the most of the day, but they don’t count on Susan turning up to lend a hand with the teas. It doesn’t take her long to start making condescending remarks to Shula and counting herself lucky that her and Neil have had ‘decades of happiness’ (I think someone should seek Neil’s opinion on that). Harrison gets caught in the slips by teenager Molly Button (sounds painful) but Alistair’s on form. He makes it to the final and is up against his business partner Anisha. The two vets don’t slog it out for long though as Alistair hits a six on the second ball to win the competition. It’s a tad awkward as Shula presents the Mark Hebden Trophy and her speech, all five words of it, is hardly gushing and the situation’s made worse when the pair of them do an awkward kiss or handshake manoeuvre. They do however unite when the washing up’s done to send Susan ‘village gossip is nothing to do with me’ Carter off with a flea in her ear.

Open Farm Sunday’s coming around again and one of the highlights on Bridge Farm is going to be Tom talking about Kefir. I for one am surprised they’re still managing to sell the stuff, but could it be about to serve a higher purpose? Helen invited Hannah over to Bridge Farm for dinner with her and Tom, and while she’s there Tom takes her into the dairy to show her how they make Kefir. All that talk of fermenting milk products spurs Tom on to invites Hannah to the Bull for a drink on the way home. However when he tries to push it further she makes it clear that she consider them to be friends only.

Brian and Jennifer are back together in the marital bed (we were spared the details) and it’s the morning of their 42^ndwedding anniversary. Jennifer’s bought him a pair of personalised cufflinks and doesn’t seem bothered or even expect anything from him. He is going to take her out to dinner though.

Someone else taking their wife out to dinner is Robert Snell, to La Femme Du Monde no less. Lynda’s missing having a dog around the house so Robert takes her to the dog shelter. They see a Cockapoo and a Beagle, but the one that really catches Lynda’s eye is a Doberman! It offers her it’s paw and tilts its head exactly like Scruff used to, and Lynda instantly feels a spiritual connection with it. I must admit that when I think of Dobermans I think of Zeus and Apollo from Magnum PI, not Scruff, but then again they are the sorts of names Lynda goes for. They take him into the field and Lynda says he looks like an elegant and steadfast warrior and as a bonus doesn’t get her face ripped off. They decide to adopt him and she names him Montgomery, or Monty for short, after the author of Anne of Green Gables, for reasons that, quite frankly, I couldn’t bother listening to.

Brian’s restaurant booking was cancelled at the last moment and he manages to get a table at La Femme Du Monde too. Now, considering this is supposed to be one of the best restaurants in Borsetshire, how believable is it that a) they have a 2 for 1 night, and b) Brian manages to get a table on the day? We eavesdrop on the two tables; Lynda and Robert are discussing Monty, while Brian and Jennifer are talking about offering Home Farm as a venue for Ruth’s 50^thbirthday party.

Ed reckons he’s got a potential champion Texel ram and considers calling it, wait for it, Champion! Poppy shows more imagination, possibly too much, by naming it Peppa Pig. The poor child sounds confused to me, but there’s no doubt she’s becoming obsessed with Peppa - the lamb. Someone else obsessed is Will who’s working himself up over the fact that Jake and Mia’s father, Andrew, has just taken them to Disneyland Paris and can’t compete with that. He’s fearful that he’ll lose Poppy because ‘the authorities’ might think she’s better off living with her older sister. I’m not saying he’s panicking over it, but he’s decided to apply for custody of Jake and Mia.

Back to the soon to be plastic-free tea room, and Christine’s made an appearance offering to take care of the table flowers for Harrison and Fallon’s soon to be plastic-free wedding. Fallon has to move her car (typically about 10% plastic content by weight) and Christine looks after the counter, although ‘look after’ turns out to be the exact opposite of what she does, serving camomile tea instead of earl grey, putting coffee in the teapot, and mixing up the gluten-free and normal biscuits. Harrison thinks something’s not quite right with her – no shit Sherlock!

Adam’s got a fungal infection - a slight touch of septoria on his maize, but should still get a bumper crop, and his strawberries are looking good. But don’t be fooled that everything’s now coming up roses at Home Farm. There’s a visit from the Environment Agency and Jenny calls Brian and Adam back urgently. They’re there to inform him that the contamination has spread into the groundwater and is coming out in the spring near the deer paddocks. The clean-up could now last until Christmas at the earliest. Brian’s exasperated cry of ‘how are we expected to survive’ trails off into the theme tune and we are left to ponder how much more land can he sell off to BL, and at what price?